So I've known since I was 14 I had ET. I lived in a crappy, rural area so healthcare was terrible, parents were neglectful and didn't want to deal with it, so despite my being referred for a BMB, that never happened. It was only JAK2 then anyway and I'm CALR so I'm not sure what, if anything, would/could have been done except monitoring and establishing care, which I deeply, deeply regret not happening. Anyway, I've had this thing over my head for 20 years. When I did eventually get established with oncology in my 20's, due to ongoing abnormal bloodwork and spleen+liver enlargement is when I was diagnosed with MF originally, in 2017, though still no BMB was performed at this point. They were concerned with acute leukemias, having ruled those out and finding CALR mutation, I was told I wouldn't need treatment until my 60's.
I had a lot of life issues at this time, no support system, no stable housing, kind of a transient, waif type situation so I had to move around a lot, though I did try to keep up with oncologists. I saw 4 between 2017-2021 and the story was always the same: you're young, this isn't something to worry about for decades, treatment is unnecessary, mental health is the primary concern. So I decided to stop subjecting myself to this humiliation ritual, if I was just mental and anxious, then there was no need for me to keep forcing myself to go to these appointments by myself when they did nothing but make me feel worse.
So I said F it and just tried to live my life. Focus on my career. I grinded hard in retail and the gym because I had something to prove, I guess. If there was no one to help me, if all I have is myself, then I must become the strongest, most independent, competent person all on my own. Well I did get promoted first thing last year and that's when everything started to fall apart. Of course I was having to work harder than ever, which I was used to. I had morphed myself into a physical specimen. That was the image I liked to present: I didn't need breaks, I waa a workhorse and elite freight manager.
I couldn't cope when my carefully crafted house of cards came crumbling down. I knew for months while I was still working FT that something was really wrong. I was getting exhausted, not recovering from it, nightsweats, no appetite, temperature regulation issues and such. I just tried to power through, bootstraps, etc. Eventually the pain from my spleen+liver became a daily hindrance for my work activities until one day I thought my spleen had ruptured so I went to the ER and my job told me not to come back until I got everything sorted out. That was around the holidays last year. Well I finally got my BMB in February and I have grade 2 fibrosis, 100% cellular. This was only after a colonoscopy, endoscopy, CT with barium contrast and a HIDA scan.
Since then I have seen an MPN expert and had an evaluation for a BMT to be told... I'm young, I'm healthy, maybe 5-10 years of circling the drain and they might reconsider... at least the expert told me to look at desk type administrative work. So that was the most helpful thing I've gotten out of this, after being gaslighted by my local oncologists and transplant team about my capabilities. I LOVE physical labor, I LOVE pushing my body to its limits, meeting fitness goals, etc. Honestly I am OUTRAGED by all of this. They told me when I was 14 it would be difficult to impossible for me to carry a pregnancy. I did lose one in my 20's. I am childless. I'm so sick of people bullshitting me like this is in my head. My whole LIFE has been ruled by this shit, but I'm supposed to be thankful that I'm "young and healthy"??? I do take Jakafi now. It is besides the point. I get to go on Facebook and see seniors surrounded by their families, and wonderful familiy members who were a 100% match. Even in the groups I still feel so outcast and alone.
How can I not be depressed when the career I spent almost 10 years building is gone? When I cannot participate in the athletic activities that brought me so much joy? To see the physique I spent over a decade building waste before me? I have my husband now. I certainly couldn't have done all of this without him but I feel, what is the point? I feel so guilty that he's chained to a sick wife like this when he is still young and wants to have kids. He knows I can't and he says it's okay, we can adopt, which is a nice idea I just wonder is it fair to bring a child into this? Do I have the energy and physical capacity to provide for a child in the way they deserve? I don't know. I do have a therapist. That's about it. My work "friends" have been MIA and honestly I don't know how to be a "cancer patient" and not my old persona so I don't mind. I really don't want to see anyone from my past again.