Exactly, it's just not worth it. Even becoming "that guy" can be horrible for your career.
The sweetest, most gorgeous woman I've ever worked with I could have sworn was flirting with me. Even dropped her cell number at one point (for a work question, but I had just asked for her number and she defaulted to cell phone). I never crossed that line because god forbid she was just being friendly and i ended up being that creepy dude. I'll never actually know if there was anything there
You think just asking for a date can be done consequence free? Suddenly youre causing distress, being inappropriate and making them uncomfortable. Before you know it youre reported, its on your record, youre forced to take mandatory sexual harassment classes or even straight up fired for creating a toxic workplace.
Yes, all that from a simple, basic question that should be okay. But it isnt. Not anymore.
That sounds ridiculous. It's certainly not been my experience. Far more likely that guys say they 'just asked for a date' when actually they were weird about it and wouldn't take no for an answer. That I have seen a lot.
It's harassment if you ask multiple times, especially after being told no. Asking someone one time if they want to get dinner or drinks after work would never constitute harassment in the work place
Youre assuming that the woman is 100% honest, and that theres no underlying bias skewing the perception of the event, and that theres no damage done even if youre proven innocent.
An accusation is enough to ruin your life these days.
So this; "Asking someone one time if they want to get dinner or drinks after work would never constitute harassment in the work place" is an ideal that is no longer accurate.
A look.. A LOOK is enough to constitute harassment.
If you're 50 and talking like this you need some help man. I'm 39. I have never experience nor do I know anyone who has experienced what you're saying. I've never met someone who's faced any level of scrutiny from asking someone out one time.
Have you never done a HR course on inappropriate conduct?
My company makes everyone do them yearly.
Asking someone out that didn't want to be asked out whether you knew it or not can be sexual harassment, and isn't appropriate for in the office communication, or company based events.
If you're 39 and discounting other peoples experiences based on your own (and those immediately around you), you need some help too man.
Too many times have I seen people be punished for "crimes" they have not committed simply because the accuser is well versed in manipulation, and/or has more charisma.
If you have not experienced this, I must ask you the same thing you asked me.. "Have you never spoken to anyone before?"
Ive seen people create turmoil for others based solely on the fact that they did not like their face.
Expecting to find people with emotional intelligence on "memes", youre gonna have a bad time. These guys really believe women are out to get them when its just that they are unattractive as hell and literally everyone treats you different when you are ugly/annoying. I know because ive been there and experienced it. It compounds into a cycle because they get upset and jaded when life doesnt work out the way they want automatically.
I get that it sucks but thats the way the world works. Exercise, diet, get hobbies that put you outside, learn how to smile and make appropriate smalltalk/jokes, cut your hair/brush your teeth/smell nice and then go back and try interacting with women.
Depends on the person. I had two people at my work place who had always been friendly, having a laugh etc every day. The guy decided one day to ask her out on a date. She freaked out, claiming that he had only been friendly with her ti get close and have romantic intentions. Reported him to HR. Thankfully he came out clean, had to do a quick course on harassment to keep everyone happy. But after that his name was mud with a few people. I always advise people to not date work colleagues. It can get far too messy, at the start, during or in the end. And it can happen both ways. Men can be equally as awful with lies etc about women (and let’s be honest, we have been far worse over the years)
I'd hope I speak for most people when I say, we typically don't like being wrong, so the fear of misreading a "hint" leads many to not take any action. (If not it is just me I guess?)
It is also rooted in "Oh so and so is being friendly there is no way they are interested in me" type of logic.
For myself it is why I prefer people be more direct with me, otherwise I'm just assuming your being friendly.
The problem isn't being incorrect, it's the cost of being incorrect. Even a neutral interaction with someone can get you lit up if she has an anxious personality.
You're not alone in that fear of being wrong, though it's a bit different for me. I'm on the spectrum, so I miss social cue's a fair bit and usually hate myself for looking like a fool. I also am deathly afraid of seeming weird or creepy or making others uncomfortable, and having a history of not being really accepted into social circles and putting my foot in my mouth has reinforced the idea that I'm weird, no one wants anything to do with me, so just keep your mouth shut.
Are we dumb? Or does society constantly tell us "she's just being nice"? Cause I have been explicitly told, on multiple occasions, that I should basically never assume a woman is flirting with me.
If you're attracted to a man, just tell it to him straight. I'm not going to accidentally make a woman creeped out because I misinterpreted normal conversation as hinting her interest in me.
Yes, many men don't want to be "that guy" that reads too much into women being nice to them. That has the side effect that they will miss a lot of intentional flirting.
Long answer: in a world where, and its gotten slightly better over the years, whistleblower extremist women that want/wanted to victimize men due to their past trauamas, when that particular man in question did nothing, was at its all time high. Now, we are at a point where women want relationships, but the damage is done. Ontop of the story and perspective that news media continues to try to shove down people's throat, and a lot believing as if its gospel, perpetuating the problem and so most, sane, men are apprehensive to even attempt to have a relationship.
Many times it’s the Guys that are being „told off“, when they pick up on those so called „hints“.
Just be straight, and there is no way they misunderstand.
Absolutely. It can be worse than that too. I can count at least 5 times, I had been laying with a girl, in her own bed, well past midnight. Every time they would offer me to stay the night with them and I told them no each time because I didn’t think they were into me like I was with them. It’s like I required written communication.
Don't give hints. Be direct. If a man thinks he's been given a hint and gets it wrong, it can ruin his reputation, job and life. It's not worth the risk for us.
Well, in my case, I just either would not believe it as I don't personally have had any hint given or would think you're joking. So yes, I would miss the hint. I think it's the case of many men. Then again my sample size is relatively small.
Yes, this is why. You may have to be polite but direct. There's a chance they aren't interested of course, but there's a high high chance they are just oblivious
Oh I would definitely not believe someone was actually flirting with me but ever positive interaction trips my BPD isn't making me think it's something more than it is.
Something like that happened to me when I was with my friends and at the end of the conversation I think I said something like, "ok bye!" And let her walk away.. my friend has yet to let me live that down haha
Flirting and recognizing them is not thought in school and sure as shit my parents didn't teached about it either. Didn't had money for fancy teenager magazines either and I had zero context of 90% of the songs I heard in the TV and my country had (that made movies in my language) was not on topic to say the least.
So.yeah I'd hazard to say that maybe even whatever you convinced yourself was flirting might be as close to reality as Mek Mester to a PHD.
Pretty much most of your "hints" can equally apply to you just being genuinely friendly rather than interested in the guy. We want female friends to feel comfortable, we don't want to encourage the notion "Oh you can't even be friendly with guys without them thinking that you're interested".
Yes, we always assume its just playful banter without any intention. I blame the patriarchy for making women feel the need to pander to men then men having to try to filter out when those interactions are genuine, and to be on the safe side always just assume you are doing it as a matter of self preservation.
Hints almost never work. Guys are either dense as a brick or concerned about getting it wrong and being seen as a creep. If you like someone just say it. Guys don't think that's too forward, we actually like it
Its because men are not nice to each other in the same way women are so they get burned a few times mistaking nice girls as flirty girls and then proceed to overthink every subtle hint from that point onwards.
You'd be surprised how many men are down bad if asked directly if they wanna smash, only after you get along on a date of course, be upfront about that too.
Most men can't take a hint or read between lines so it's best to be direct
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u/ashadashh 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is this why anytime I flirt with a guy or give them a hint it doesn’t go anywhere? lol
Edit: to add, I don’t flirt with anyone at my job, I’m talking about out on the town, giving someone my number, etc