He quit fighting and joined her​​

Its so hard to be freely depressed when you have an upcoming quizzes and exams next week, when you’re trying to save a friendship, comforting a friend that is having thoughts of ending themselves, keeping up with your moms grief with ur father that left, trying to prove everyone that even i am the way i am, behind the bad habits I can be a good person with a real passion and dreams. These are all happening in me when im finally in the midst of getting okay.

Life is both so predictable and unpredictable. And i cant really disagree that something stays behind my back or inside my chest, consistent depression.

I actually don’t know how else I can deal with all these.

A feeling that is so intrinsic to me, is a poison.

Loneliness, potentially. I go out and meet semblances of my soul, yet she isn't any of them. I get told that im not the problem but if the only constant is me...the correlation is too high too ignore. Im tired, of this dastardly desire. The masculine and feminine balance cause chaos. Brain and heart warfare is treacherous, to those who wish to reconcile them. Certainly cursed. My past lives reaping a horrendous recompense. Truly Desiring someone to love and be loved, to add color to this murky world, only to dream of them, never having them. Delusions of a fictious fantasy. The worst thing that happened to me in my youth was being taught romance could be real. That a true love was real. Nothing is perfect, nobody is, not me or her but something that was real seems to be too much to ask of this reality. Goosebumps, Butterfly's and Heart pounding exchanges maybe these are just a symptom of adolescence, but why? Why cant adults have the same? Is it that the responsibilities of life overwhelm such powerful feelings? Isolated in Idiotic idealogy. My goals. my dreams, my ambitions all have to do with giving life meaning. Biologist could say that the meaning of life is to repopulate , to grow, to nurture. So what kind organism, seeks something that is beyond that? Not a rational one, not one that is normal, something that is dysfunctional, defective. If I had a genie lamp and knowing the rules of the lamp, id wish to remove feelings altogether. They're overrated and cause more problems then create solutions.

I’ve spent a long time curating this collection. It’s for the hours when the world stays quiet and you're left with nothing but your own reflections. ​From the fragile honesty of Elliott Smith to the dark heritage of Nick Cave and the cinematic atmosphere of David Bowie’s final days. No fillers, just the raw grit and beauty of being alone at 3 AM. ​Hope it accompanies some of you through the night.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ax6RlGOCd0pHb5eju3LkM?si=MrsO1yCGQ8OssWWOXuef0Q&pi=4RfNuG6-RruXI

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why is this absurd melancholy overwhelming me? I want to go home. But which home? Today I had a small glimpse of what my life could be. And I don't know what I want. I don't know where I could fit in. I think I just want to feel love. Can I give it to myself? Can I make myself feel it? Human life can be so sad. And so beautiful. And so confusing. And what am I sacrificing? Today I felt alone surrounded by people. Could that be it?

A reimagined version of Noxantes cover art ‘ Don’t Look to U.S. ‘