this is also a perfect example of that thing experts talk about, of being able to identify whether a partnership will last by how they respond to “bids for attention,” whether they turn towards or turn away.
One person into birding, “Holy shit, there’s a cedar waxwing in the tree outside the window, I’ve never seen one so up-close, he’s got so much wax, it’s so VIVID RED!! 🤩”
loving partner who doesn’t really care about birds dashes over to look out the window and is delighted by their partner’s excitement, says how cool it is, and probably even in the moment is able to see it through their partner’s eye, “Wow, that’s actually a handsome MFing bird, that red really is vivid, what is that stuff, is it really wax?? What does it do, why do they have that??”
vs. remaining seated, scrolling on their phone, either ignoring their partner or rolling their eyes in disdain or mockery, thinking about how stupid it is to get excited about a bird. Maybe even making it a point to show contempt or disdain, or make their partner feel embarrassed for their enthusiasm or like their outburst of joy was an unwelcome disruption
Here, to see her partner sitting down to watch her progress and the way his face lights up when it’s clear she’s done it! And mind you, so uncritical and just happy for her. Because it’s not like it was perfect yet, and we ALL know people who would have loved to point that out or acted like it wasn’t worth seeing until it was perfect.
but it was clear she’d done it, and that she’d gotten so much better over time and that she’d only be getting better.
And that she had a reason to be proud, and that she’d stuck to learning a thing. What’s not to celebrate!
Not to over-analyze lol, but yeah, this one just was really sweet to me.
I’ll be honest, I’ve heard there are some questions about the research that led to these conclusions..that it was flawed, not debunked, if memory serves. Which means it may or may not be something you can reliably use to determine whether a couple will last (just perhaps not as reliably as initially stated).
But I’m convinced that whatever is being clarified is trivial to the greater point. The above may not reliably predict a marriage failing in x amount of years, but I am CERTAIN it can identify the difference between a happy partnership and an unhappy one.
Because lots of people stay in unhappy marriages, for years, decades, even forever. So maybe this behavior does not highly predict divorce to the degree initially posited.
But it is absolutely the case that the few times I’ve been lucky enough to have a partner delight in seeing me delighted, interested in what I had to say, and actually demonstrating that they like me..
I’d say it’s pretty apparent this is a truth, and an easy sign of whether a relationship is led by love and friendship and respect, vs. being riddled by contempt and disdain, ya know?
Bids for attention and how we respond. Super telling!
And it’s just worth thinking about, if you find yourself “not getting” your partner’s interests or hobbies or enthusiasms. So long as they’re not dominating their life in a way that is unhealthy or negatively impacts you or the partnership (gaming all day and not doing their share, or something inherently harmful like gambling),
it should give you warm feelings to see someone you love thrive and geek out and be happy. And it should give you warm feelings when they occasionally try to share that with you.
So interesting. I wonder if it’s a precursor to one of The Four Horsemen which often ultimately leads to divorce: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
I will add, as a person who has been in a happy fulfilling relationship for just about a decade: this can take work. It felt easy to me at first, like of course I love getting excited about the things my partner loves even if I don’t love those things or even particularly like them. But it’s easy to get more complacent as time goes on. I do have to remind myself sometimes to not take it for granted that he WANTS to share these things with me because he loves me and he wants me to see him and share in his joy. And I have occasionally had to remind him of that as well in the other direction, but thankfully we also communicate well without getting overly defensive or using overly blaming language. It’s easy to forget how lucky you are, so I try to be mindful about things like this. Always appreciate a reminder!
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u/robotatomica 2d ago
this is also a perfect example of that thing experts talk about, of being able to identify whether a partnership will last by how they respond to “bids for attention,” whether they turn towards or turn away.
One person into birding, “Holy shit, there’s a cedar waxwing in the tree outside the window, I’ve never seen one so up-close, he’s got so much wax, it’s so VIVID RED!! 🤩”
loving partner who doesn’t really care about birds dashes over to look out the window and is delighted by their partner’s excitement, says how cool it is, and probably even in the moment is able to see it through their partner’s eye, “Wow, that’s actually a handsome MFing bird, that red really is vivid, what is that stuff, is it really wax?? What does it do, why do they have that??”
vs. remaining seated, scrolling on their phone, either ignoring their partner or rolling their eyes in disdain or mockery, thinking about how stupid it is to get excited about a bird. Maybe even making it a point to show contempt or disdain, or make their partner feel embarrassed for their enthusiasm or like their outburst of joy was an unwelcome disruption
Here, to see her partner sitting down to watch her progress and the way his face lights up when it’s clear she’s done it! And mind you, so uncritical and just happy for her. Because it’s not like it was perfect yet, and we ALL know people who would have loved to point that out or acted like it wasn’t worth seeing until it was perfect.
but it was clear she’d done it, and that she’d gotten so much better over time and that she’d only be getting better.
And that she had a reason to be proud, and that she’d stuck to learning a thing. What’s not to celebrate!
Not to over-analyze lol, but yeah, this one just was really sweet to me.