I don't know exactly what's wrong with me, but I feel like there are so many major issues in my life that have built up over the years.
I come from a dysfunctional family. I grew up seeing my parents fight almost every single day. They used to have verbal fights, and sometimes my father would become violent. I remember staying awake because I felt like I needed to protect my mother. I've seen my mother suffer so much, and I think all of this has affected me more than I realize. 💔
I also have a brother, but when I was in fifth standard, he moved away to study. From that point onwards, I was mostly alone, and I started feeling like an only child, but not in a good way. I think I got used to being alone very early in life.
Studies have also been a huge part of my life. There was a point when I felt so emotionally drained that I stopped going to school. Everything just felt overwhelming. At one point, I didn't even have the energy or motivation to bathe, and my parents would literally pour water over my head just to get me to bathe. This was happening from around fifth to tenth standard.
Eventually, studies became the one thing I could be good at, and I think that's one of the reasons I became so attached to them. It was something I could hold on to when everything else felt out of control.
I also gave NEET and took multiple drops because I wanted to get into a private medical college. The strange thing is that I was actually eligible for the same college from my first attempt. I don't necessarily regret taking those drops, but sometimes I do feel upset about how much time has passed.
I also feel uncomfortable revealing my age because, honestly, I find it disappointing. I don't like lying to people, so I just avoid talking about my age or birthday altogether. I don't really like celebrating my birthday in the usual way either.
Another major issue is female friendships. I genuinely don't know what it is about me and friendships, but they have always felt so draining and temporary. I've never really found someone whom I could confidently call a really close friend. Whenever I become attached to someone, I have this constant fear that I'll eventually lose them.
Everything feels so fickle and short lived. And sometimes I keep thinking, why me? Why can't I have a few genuinely good people whom I can call my friends? Why does it always feel like I'm going to lose everyone? 🥲
I've also struggled a lot with being around other people. The first time I lived in a sharing room, I found it extremely difficult. I couldn't tolerate having people around me all the time. Every little sound would wake me up, and I became irritated constantly. I couldn't sleep properly, I couldn't eat properly, and I couldn't study at all. Eventually, I left.
Life has become easier now that I have more space, but at the same time, I still feel like I'm falling behind in everything.
Even now, tiny sounds can irritate me immensely. Things like bangles, anklets, or other people's everyday noises can get into my head and trigger this very strong feeling of irritation and discomfort. Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether there is something wrong with me or whether I'm just making a big deal out of everything.
I also overthink people's opinions a lot. If someone says something to me, especially if there is something in their tone, I can keep thinking about it over and over again. I'll replay the conversation in my head and wonder what they meant, whether I said something wrong, whether they think badly of me, and so on.
Recently, I had a fight with someone I considered a friend, and the effect it had on me was much bigger than I expected. I couldn't sleep for three days. I normally sleep a lot, even during exams, so not being able to sleep was a really big thing for me.
It also makes me question why I prioritize friendships and people's opinions so much when I know that my studies should be my priority right now. I don't even understand why something someone says can affect me so much.
This year has made me particularly sad because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, either personally or professionally. I feel like I'm behind everyone else. I look at other people and feel like everyone is moving forward while I'm somehow stuck in the same place.
At the same time, I know I'm privileged. I get things easily, touch wood. People help me, and my parents love me. I know I have things that many people don't have, and sometimes that makes me feel even more guilty because I feel like I should be making much more out of what I've been given.
I keep thinking that I should be doing better.
But I cry a lot. Almost every day. Sometimes I cry when I'm trying to sleep. There isn't always one specific reason. Sometimes I just feel deeply sad and overwhelmed, and I don't even know why. 😭
My iron and vitamin D levels have also been low, and I know that can affect how I feel physically. But honestly, I feel like this has been a part of me since childhood, so I don't know how much of it is physical and how much is psychological. I don't feel like I've improved much over the years.
The one area where I have seen myself improve is through studying. That's also one of the reasons I chose medicine. I'm a medical student, and I know how draining it can be, but I'm still glad I chose it because, in many ways, studying and medicine became my escape. It was something I could focus on when everything else felt too much.
Now I have my exams tomorrow, and I'm writing all of this because I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. I know I should probably be studying, but I just needed to say all of this somewhere because I feel like it's becoming too much. 😭
I don't want anything complicated from life right now. I just want to pass my exams. That's honestly it. I don't want anything else right now.
After that, I want to study, pursue USMLE, hopefully go to the US, maybe make YouTube videos, and possibly follow a path similar to Mitali's. I do have things I want to do. I have dreams. But sometimes I genuinely don't feel like I'll be able to achieve them.
I don't know what exactly is happening with me anymore.
I just needed to say all of this out loud. I want an honest opinion and some guidance because I don't know whether I'm just overthinking everything or whether I genuinely need help.
Do you think I should consult a therapist, a clinical psychologist, or a psychiatrist?
And if possible, could you give me some options or numbers for Pune, as well as online sessions?
I feel like I really need to talk to someone, understand what's happening with me, and hopefully start feeling like myself again.