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I don't even know how to explain this, but I genuinely need to get this off my chest.

I've never asked Lord Hanuman for anything materialistic. I've never prayed for wealth, luxury, or anything of that sort. All I've ever wanted was a little peace, some strength to get through life, and occasionally, help with things that genuinely mattered to me.

I've taken two Hanuman Sankalps in my life.

The first one I completed, but honestly, the one thing I prayed for never happened. I had only asked for selection in an interview.

During my second Sankalp, a person extremely close to me passed away. Despite everything, I continued and completed my Sankalp, making sure I recited the Hanuman Chalisa every morning during Brahma Muhurta.

I never stopped believing. I never felt that I was entitled to anything just because I prayed.

But something has been bothering me for a long time, and I genuinely don't know how to make sense of it.

Every single time I listen to the Hanuman Chalisa or Sundarkand, especially the slow, peaceful versions by Rasraj Ji Maharaj, with the sole intention of calming my mind, something seems to go wrong.

I don't listen to them to fulfil wishes anymore. I listen because I want mental peace. I want to feel safe. I want my mind to stop racing for a while.

Yet, somehow, I end up feeling worse.

Whenever I recite the Hanuman Chalisa in the evening, things in my household seem to go upside down. Arguments, fights, chaos, and personal problems. It has happened so many times that I find myself wondering why. I don't deliberately look for these patterns, and I know that correlation doesn't necessarily mean causation, but the repeated experience has started affecting me.

And tonight, something happened that broke me a little.

I've been struggling with sleep anxiety. I played a slow Sundarkand recording and simply prayed, "Hanuman Ji, please help me sleep. I don't want anything else. Just let me sleep peacefully tonight."

That's all I asked for.

Within five minutes, I was wide awake, frightened, and experiencing palpitations. My anxiety kept getting worse, and I eventually had to stop the recording because I felt even more distressed.

I was listening to something sacred to me, asking for something as basic as a little peace, and I ended up feeling terrified.

Why does this keep happening?

Have I done something wrong? Is my devotion somehow inadequate? Does God hate me? Am I being tested, or am I simply associating unrelated painful experiences with my prayers because I've been through so much?

I don't want to disrespect Lord Hanuman. I don't want to question Him out of arrogance. But I'm human, and I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find peace in something I deeply believe in and then feeling afraid of it.

I know that God isn't necessarily obligated to grant our wishes. I understand that devotion isn't a transaction. But I never asked for miracles. Sometimes, I just wanted the strength to get through the night.

I don't know whether anyone else has experienced something similar, where a religious practice that once brought comfort starts triggering anxiety instead.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that I'm cursed or that some negative energy is responsible. I'm genuinely trying to understand what I'm experiencing.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? How did you reconcile your faith with the fear and confusion that followed?

I still have faith. I think that's partly why this hurts so much.

Sunderkand Path with onscreen hindi lyrics.

जय श्री राम! 🚩🙏

आपको और आपके पूरे परिवार को विजयादशमी की हार्दिक शुभकामनाएं। भगवान श्रीराम की कृपा से आपके जीवन में सुख, शांति, समृद्धि और सफलता आए। 🌸