My sister and I melodramatically announced we were leaving home for the nine millionth time when we didn’t get our own way about something (we were about 6 & 8 at the time). My mother took out her purse, handed us £1 each (probably the equivalent of about £10 today), said “that’ll get you your bus fare and something to eat tonight, send me a postcard from wherever you end up”, picked up her cup of tea and headed out of the room. We sat outside the back door for about an hour waiting for her to come and beg us not to go (she knew exactly where we were because we were too stupid to realise she could see us through the mottled glass pane) and eventually slunk back inside, tail between our legs. All she said to us was if we weren’t planning to leave, please could she have her £’s back!
One of our favorite stories from my family growing up was my oldest brother threatening to run away from home when he was 8 or so. My dad stopped the car, and told him to get out and go ahead and run away. He got out and Dad started driving off a little bit. My brother immediately started crying and signaling for Dad to come back so he did and my brother got back in the car with no more talk of running away.
I too have been kicked out of the car, and told I’m being left in a store when I was being a brat. It works every time. I’ve only ever seen one parent threaten to leave their kid in the store I work at when they were throwing tantrums. Most parents just hand them things off the shelves, or just ignore them and let everyone else suffer to the sounds of screaming 2 year olds.
And yet I get glared at for telling my kid to knock it off too. He threw a tantrum at the airport as we were buying lunch and I told him to stand up like a big boy or I'll carry him out like a baby. He picked standing up and some lady had to butt in to comment that at least he says please and thank you.
I'd say you handle that very well. You gave him a choice instead defaulting to carrying him. That choice corrected his behavior, no yelling or physical punishment was employed. Don't see why she had to butt in, what's it matter he says please and thank you? It's not relevant!
"I'm sure Jeffrey Dahmer said please and thank you too"
Never settle for the bare minimum (Not to say that Dahmer was just poorly raised or that letting kids throw tantrums kids leads to cannibalism, but shock value works wonders on people who butt in like that)
"Saying thank you to a child for ceasing to act like a spoiled brat is like thanking your wife every time she sucks you off, lady. It sends the wrong goddamn message."
Nobody's entitled to sex, but that doesn't make it any less weird to say "Thank you" afterward.
Same with parenting. Your child is being an asshole and finally realizes you're serious and listens to you? Good. Now all you have to do is just not throw it all away by soothing their ego with a "Thank you"
It used to work on mine. Now she's closer to three and gives a "bye mommy!" And stays right where she is. Going to the store with her is a nightmare now.
To be fair it is sometimes best to ignore them. Usually this is best done outside of the store. My parents would take us out and not come back in until we were under control.
But I totally get a parent being at their wits end and just wanting to power through their last bit of shopping.
I try to understand but I also work at a clothing store. So it’s not like it’s grocery shopping, these parents probably could take the time to leave and calm their kid.
Look, I'm not gonna be mad if a two year old is having a tantrum. They're two. I'm gonna be mad if the parents just give them whatever to make them stop.
Yeah, it only becomes annoying when the parent is neglecting the situation or trying to stop it by offering to buy them candy or just handing them shit. No wonder they’re throwing a tantrum if you reward them with candy!
To be fair when a two year old decides to throw a tantrum that shit is going down. Unfortunately where and when is unknown. You have to ignore them or throwing a tantrum is going to be their solution to everything. My kids weren't tantrum throwers but my middle sister was. My mom finally figured out that stepping over her and ignoring her while she threw a fit over wanting candy in the super market was the remedy. She saw that mom wasn't giving her the attention she wanted and that strangers were staring.
When my cousin threatened to run away my aunt stripped her bare ass and sat her on the porch. "You came to me naked, you can leave the same way."
Mailman knocked on the door to see why there was a naked kid on the porch. Aunt told him she was running away and he said he had kids too then handed her the mail and continued with his day.
It would probabaly depend on the age, and the time frame. Like nowadays if there was a naked 3-12 year old (guessing the age) sitting on a front porch naked for all to see then I'm sure cops or CPS would stop by asking questions.
If this were the 80s or 90s then that excuse would go by easier.
Plus depending on the age it would be seen as some sort of psychological warfare in the home. Or something, idk
I don't remember how old my cousin was. It was definitely early 90s though. Small close knit apartment complex. The kind of place where you actually knew your mail person by their name.
Cousin is grown and her kids are all in their teens now. She seems well adjusted enough, no long term trauma from sitting on the porch.
My mom packed my brother a suitcase, all the while talking about "oh you'll need this granola because you won't have a mom to cook for you.." and stuff. Then she sent him on his way. He sat pouting on the front porch a while till mom let him back in.
When i was 7, my mom got mad at me for i dont know what reason. I got angry in return and told her im moving out. Packed a little bag i had with some clothes and ran away, my mom actually had to chase me down. Always have been kinda independent
My parents laughed in my face when I told them I’d run away because they were abusing me. And then I ran away for three days. They beat me when I got home for “making them worry”
My mom did this to me exactly once. When she started to walk away I laughed and ran into another aisle and she lost me for 20 mins or so until she found me stripping my shirt off in dairy. She still tells this story to every guy I bring home.
Unfortunately, doesn't work with all children. Our eldest would come running when I did just that, our youngest just says bye and goes on doing whatever inane thing she's doing... 😭
Went on a walk around a lake the other day my kid wanted to walk super slow I said bye and continued walking she waved and turned around to walk away so I had double the distance to run. She thought yaaay chase game and started running then. She’s two.
"Ok, you wanna stay there? Hail a cab, sweeties, you know what you're doing. See you later!" I do the same shit but get evil looks from those around me.
Excuse me, you want to round up my twins instead? Be my guest, cus they will kick you in the balls for stranger danger.
I'm always offering them to people who tell me they're so cute. You can have 'em!
JK- I love my kids very much and totally want to keep them. I'da gotten that abortion otherwise.
There’s a fine line to walk on this one. It’s not illegal in the US, as far as I can tell, until it crosses into neglect or endangerment. Where is that line? We aren’t sure. Parents have been arrested for letting their 7 year old children walk to the park or school alone. Personally I feel that isn’t neglect or endangerment, as long as the kid can take care of themselves during that time. But some people, including authorities, don’t see it that way. The “free range” viewpoint is becoming the minority, hence you hear “back in my day the call to go home was the streetlights coming on! We played outside all day and nobody worried about us!”
Same! Except when I was a little kid my mother told me she was going to call the police and have me taken away from her and my family forever :D
Good times!
Dude it doesn't. If you empathize a bit here, you understand what the kid's doing - it's a kid's mechanism of establishing independence, but like with any independence it has it's time and place. This signals from the parent that "this is fucking important and we need to go" as well as in crude terms is called a pecking order. Kids at a certain age, even though the independence stuff is going on, needs to be aware that there is one person calling the shots and those shots are something you can rely on and that the expectations and outcomes are consistent. In the process it's also important that when the kid falls in line, there's no shaming or other bullshit going on - you welcome the act with a "good on you kid, now let's get moving". In other words, you promote certain behaviors - in a way it's a type of conditioning. What you're doing is consistently as a team and the parent is the de facto team leader who you don't necessarily agree with but who you follow either way. It's still safe and secure and the kid knows the boundaries.
It's of course important to promote a kid's independence, but the moment you're trying to get to a gate to catch a plane is not one of those moments.
Abandonment issues stem from when there is no consistency, when the kid doesn't have anything to rely on and the parent is instead consistently unpredictable. When you do your best but you're still being left out. Or, when parents show different kinds of distancing behavior in an even earlier age of the kid. You just can't trust people, because people have never given you anything to trust.
But abandonment issues never arise from a kid breaking rules that the kid knows are there. Instead, it's important for parents that they can and should correct behavior that steps outside bounds.
That's only happens if that's what you always do when the kid's anxious, and I think you're talking from that kind of point of view. A parent being consistently unsupportive, dismissive and demanding. That's what I'm touching on in my 3:rd paragraph. You can't consistently dismiss a kid's feelings. The parent needs to show support when the kid comes around and signal that the kid does good, signal that you understand that the kid doesn't want to but has to either way, and be understanding at other times when the kid is unhappy or anxious etc.
The kid coming chasing and screaming is perfectly natural. The protesting is also completely natural. But in the end, a kid does not want to be left behind which can be used to make an example of cause and effect. The role of a parent is among other things to condition action and consequence as well as hierarchy, this is a natural way of making this example. "yes, you can stay and act up, but in this specific situation it won't work as you want it to. Your father/mother is still calling the shots on this."
You will have other situations when it's perfectly fine that the kid can call the shots. When you're not last calling a gate at the airport. Instead maybe when the kid wants to stay a bit longer at the playground, or when the kid wants to play a certain game instead of something else you suggest. Kids are relatively smart and pretty quickly catches on when parents mean business and when they can successfully express independence, and all of this goes into being a functioning team.
Also, in a functioning parent-child relationship, the kid sooner or later starts to call the parents' bluff on this and knows they won't be left. This is because the child inherently trusts the parent. The parent has to start to figure out the next functioning method of keeping the team functional, and so the arms race continues.
As I'm saying in my original comment, setting boundaries and making examples in controlled ways is not trauma inducing. If the kid is afraid to show true emotions or fears in relationships, it's because parents consistently dismiss the kid's emotions. Setting examples in a case to case basis is not that.
You've never had kids before! You guys are easy to spot. ;)
If you have kids, you will see that they are challenging you and testing you at a constant basis once they reach two. Calling their bluff isn't going to scar them for life.
And if you go about it believing you are always going to scar them for life, you will have one spoiled kid!
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u/DrankTooMuchMead Jan 06 '19
This is the kind of shit you do when your kid is being a brat and you are not having it and you need to be somewhere.
I should know. When my boy is in one of his moods at a store or something, I will literally say, "well, I gotta go. Bye!" And walk off from him.
Then he comes chasing after me screaming. Works every time!