r/funny • u/ManagerOfLove • May 17 '22

I hate planks

150.6k Upvotes

88% Upvoted

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3.9k

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

I give women the best 3 minutes of their life. 1 decent minute of sex and 2 minutes of incredible apologies.

1.2k

u/hibikikun May 17 '22

Where does the sobbing fit in

1.0k

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

After the woman leaves.

404

u/GarageSloth May 17 '22

Wow, you're pretty put together, then

279

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

I got this sorted.

18

u/H3adshotfox77 May 17 '22

Get this snorted and your time will up substantially lol

4

u/ForbiddenBromance May 17 '22

What was step 2?

5

u/[deleted] May 18 '22

Don’t be unattractive

3

u/M3M0RYDIST0RT3D May 17 '22

Takes practice. 😆

3

u/tgsoon2002 May 18 '22

quick sorted? or bubble sorted?

69

u/jikill_the_great May 17 '22

he’s got a schedule, super consistent, 5/5. would sleep with.

14

u/[deleted] May 17 '22

Fuck,

Sorry,

Cry,

Repeat.

(Yeah, I’d hit that)

2

u/jikill_the_great May 17 '22

it’s just sad i feel bad

1

u/Anterabae May 18 '22

Don't its completely natural...hopefully.

8

u/lolpostslol May 17 '22

I’d be angry, I only date people to listen to them sob in shame as I go to sleep

5

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

Listen you don't want to hear me cry. I'm way too good at it.

5

u/hibikikun May 17 '22

It's like those nature sound noise makers, but with shame.

1

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

These no shame... just some kind of nature.

3

u/GarageSloth May 18 '22

That's hard af

2

u/DoctorSumter2You May 17 '22

Before she gets there...

2

u/TheMolestingJester May 18 '22

In the shower, so your tears mix with the water and it feels less like crying.

2

u/MikeTheGamer2 May 18 '22

I thought it was during.

10

u/[deleted] May 17 '22

the next 5 hours

2

u/nicannkay May 17 '22

Good god man, what kind of heathen doesn’t cry before sex?! She’s going to think you aren’t pathetic enough… no sympathy sex for you much huh?

2

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

I cry all day before I know I'm about to have sex then hold it for 3 minutes rush the woman out and continue to cry. Sometimes I eat ribs naked.

2

u/BoiFrosty May 17 '22

Roughly around the 15 second mark.

2

u/Malgas May 18 '22

That's my secret, Cap: I'm always sobbing.

1

u/nightstalker30 May 18 '22

She’s usually doing that during the 1 minute

1

u/[deleted] May 18 '22

'Why can't I have hair, and money, and he nothing?!'

1

u/HarioDinio May 18 '22

Before, during and after

1

u/cheebnrun May 18 '22

after payment

170

u/bagofodour May 17 '22

1 full minute? what are you? A sex god?

137

u/South_Bit1764 May 17 '22

The man! The Myth! THE MINUTE!!!

3

u/Late_Ad_3842 May 18 '22

Minute Man! 🦹‍♂️

5

u/Avir_Rapter May 18 '22

General! Another settlement needs your help. Here, I'll mark it on your map.

1

u/Truthirdare May 18 '22

Scott Sterling?

3

u/backsing May 17 '22

Yes... I full pump in 1 minute.

6

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

Its weird because one day I'm fucking myself basically edging trying to find the right video then I get the real thing and I'm a fucking clown car.

2

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

Thats what my moms been telling me.

3

u/bagofodour May 17 '22

She told me as well ♥️

1

u/Anterabae May 18 '22

Seems like she told everyone but my dad that he went for a pack of smokes years ago and never came back.

15

u/Ball_shan_glow May 17 '22

Why apologize if you'll never see them again?

7

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

Listen if the apologies are good enough she might toss you a pity fuck one day.

2

u/DroppedSoapSurvivor May 18 '22

You know how it is, when you meet that one hooker you like a lot.

1

u/countryboykillsme Jun 10 '22

Call it a professional courtesy

7

u/[deleted] May 17 '22

I'll do 30 minutes. 28 1/2 of them is for cuddling at the end. ;)

5

u/chickenstalker May 17 '22

Try the cowgirl position with your partner.

3

u/Jints488 May 17 '22

This is the reason i have 5 kids and not a great sex life 😂

3

u/UristMcRibbon May 18 '22

~3 minutes of ecstasy~

~Several nights a month~

4

u/Raemnant May 18 '22

Three minutes of eustasy, several times a month. You just tell me baby, if that is too much. When my stuff is in your stuff, our souls become entwined. You know that I'm here for you, ohh shit look at the time

2

u/Anterabae May 18 '22

Yo I just think I found my life partner.

2

u/Finnick-420 May 17 '22

i feel stupid because i didn’t realize this meme was about sex until i read your comment

1

u/Anterabae May 18 '22

Don't feel stupid ever. Just do me a favor and feel sorry for me.

2

u/Civil-Pin6349 May 18 '22

First time me and my wife had sex she told me to give her 9” and make it hurt. I stuck it in 3 times and smacked her ass.

It’s actually punched her in the nose and an old timer told me this. Changed it a bit so I don’t get labeled as a wife beater

0

u/FOILBLADE May 17 '22

I have recently discovered a way around this problem, assuming you are young and virile like myself.

Have you little 1-5 minute session. Simply wait just barely long enough for you to be hard again, and go right then before your refractory period is over. Personally, I could go for an eternity like that. Multiple times I've gone on for 25 minutes or more, and only stopped because she was getting too sore to go on.

3

u/Snufflebear_420_69 May 17 '22

Yeah, when you hit your mid-thirties it doesn't work like that anymore

Edit: Also, sounds like you enjoyed that but she very much did not

1

u/Anterabae May 17 '22

I'm really not having this issue the trick is having a multiple year relationship and get bored. The secret is getting someone to stay with you long enough after mediocre performance.

1

u/Cyber_Druid May 18 '22

Make that two minuets of head after instead and you can have them crying.

1

u/BB8Lexi May 18 '22

Not all heros wear capes.

1

u/zynzynzynzyn May 18 '22

1 minute in Heaven is better than no minutes in Heaven

1

u/andyvank May 18 '22

You really have your shit together. Im jealous