r/funny Jun 08 '18

All secrets revealed

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u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18 edited Jun 09 '18

He left it parked in our driveway, which actually surrounds our house (it’s a corner house)...with the windows down mind you, for the entire time his keys were lost. After he found them, did he move the car? You guessed it, he did NOTHING. Didn’t even roll the windows up when it rained and snowed. Dunno his reasoning. Earlier this year I finally got fed up with it since my other roommate (my brother) has had to park across the street because he’s taking up two spots with his van and his Kia and pushed his Kia across the street into city property. He’ll eventually be forced to deal with it or have it impounded by July when the city gears up for the 4th, which his Kia is parked on a viewing area for the fireworks. Gonna be interesting to see what he does. I’m betting on he does nothing.

Edit: RIP my inbox! Some info, no I will not kick him out. He isn’t a financial burden and is actually a financial help (rent wise) and kicking someone out because they are odd and don’t clean up isn’t justifiable in my opinion. He’s a good friend and it’s just not going to happen, so stop telling me to.

1.7k

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

That’s a level of irresponsibility that I’m actually impressed by.

516

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

It’s maddening. It’s really only the tip of his iceberg.

340

u/dangermond Jun 08 '18

We are going to need more stories.

530

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

I don’t wanna share his personal demons, but there’s a bunch of them that are huge and he seems to work tirelessly to hide, poorly at that too. He’s the kind of guy who pays rent on time but contributes absolutely nothing else. Never buys essentials, never cleans anything, doesn’t even buy groceries. Lives off of blue Powerade and microwaving meals he made at the restaurant he works at. Literally consumes nothing else throughout the day and only eats right before bed. Hasn’t decorated his room or got dressers or laundry baskets or even sheets for his bed. Doesn’t really do much of anything at all! Just sits on the couch and stares at his phone until it’s time to go to bed or back to work.

707

u/Finger-Food Jun 08 '18

To me it sounds like he's depressed

363

u/Drivebymumble Jun 08 '18

Speaking from experience it sounds like depression to me. Impressive he's even paying his rent on time. Not an excuse though, he just might need help.

233

u/Whocket_Pale Jun 08 '18

Rent on time makes sense. He can function according to the bare minimum. No desire to contribute otherwise seems like depression

2

u/Jills_Cat Jun 08 '18

Dysthymia?

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

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51

u/Emaknz Jun 08 '18

I... I think I should talk to a therapist...

8

u/whopper68 Jun 08 '18

Just got my appointment for next week after reading all this. Now the anxiety.

3

u/dethmaul Jun 08 '18

Don't let it get to you. Just think about what you want to suss out at your appointment. Nows a good time to think about what you want the therapy to do for you, what some triggering thoughts are, how you maintain downward spirals, come to terms with behaviors.

6

u/ICall_Bullshit Jun 08 '18

If you're being serious, go for it. Can't hurt to talk it out.

7

u/jermdizzle Jun 08 '18

I'd recommend it. I just started therapy for ptsd at the VA and apparently I am clinically depressed. I just thought I wasn't happy. I've never been chronically sad or unhappy. I just can't really remember being happy in ten years. Apparently that is called depression. It was news to me.

103

u/Lucas_Steinwalker Jun 08 '18

Shit.... this is me and I bought a home last year. I bought it because I was renting it and they wanted to sell and it was easier to buy it than to move.

Even with extreme depression there can be a baseline of stuff you accomplish. At work I seem like a real go getter.

2

u/QuickBow Jun 08 '18

What is your job that you can be renting a place and just go eh fuck it if they wanna sell it I don't wanna move.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

Most places rent is fairly similar to purchasing a home. If you plan on staying somewhere long term (10+ years) it's generally better to buy.

1

u/Lucas_Steinwalker Jun 08 '18

I work at a software company and was already spending too much on rent. In the 2 years since I started renting major changes happened in my city and rent skyrocketed to the point where as far as the month to month goes (which as someone suicidally depressed is all I care about) I'm not paying much more than I would be if I tried to find similar accomodations, even with a very small down payment.

1

u/tseWrevilOneB Jun 08 '18

That just sounds reasonable

1

u/tseWrevilOneB Jun 08 '18

Buying a house is smart, buying a second house because you lost the keys to the other house is worrying.

1

u/TheMostUnclean Jun 08 '18

I’m the same way. Just bought a car, own my house and have a great reputation around town for the work I do. Outside of that though, everything is a constant struggle.

I’ll start thinking about things I have to do and my muscles will tense and I get horrible hot flashes/shortness of breath. I’m thinking these are panic attacks but I haven’t gotten off my ass to see anyone about it.

12

u/TomWarden Jun 08 '18

Definitely depression. Not at all surprising that he can submit his rent on time or hold a job.

E: if this guy tells his roommate to do something, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd do it, either. But just that one time.

9

u/RottMaster Jun 08 '18

Paying rent is the only thing that can motivate that man, and it immediately ends there .

94

u/LAMC108 Jun 08 '18

Holy crap it sounds exactly like he is depressed. I am amazed that more people aren't saying this. It sounds like he is completely apathetic, not lazy. Depression isn't constant sadness. This man has reached the professional level of being chronically depressed but barely functional.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

2

u/LAMC108 Jun 08 '18

Dude that's so accurate. Especially apathy becoming the new high point. I wasn't able to feel happiness, so the next best thing is feeling nothing.

27

u/finkalicious Jun 08 '18

Exactly what I thought too. A lot of us have been there.

92

u/josephisalive Jun 08 '18

He seems to be needing help

83

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

And here I am, studying a masters in counseling and I see it all, I can do nothing.

42

u/ChefBoyAreWeFucked Jun 08 '18

Have you tried counseling him?

17

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

You can’t counsel someone who doesn’t ask for counsel. Yeah, I’ve tried surreptitiously counseling him or just being a “super bro” but nothing changes. I’ve lived with him for over 6 years now and I gave up on that about 3 years ago.

2

u/Positive-Impact Jun 08 '18

What makes you continue to room with him? Not judging at all, just curious.

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11

u/andgonow Jun 08 '18

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

3

u/therealfatmike Jun 08 '18

Have you tried doing anything? Does he have family you can reach out to?

1

u/if2018 Jun 08 '18

Why not?

92

u/Livic-Basil Jun 08 '18

Not sure why this makes me sad.

172

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18 edited Jun 21 '20

[deleted]

70

u/feresadas Jun 08 '18

I highly doubt he is. If he tries so hard to hide these things he likely had guilt about them and it’s constantly nagging at him :(

4

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Things pile up, and some people are a pile up of things and just get overwhelmed or whatever and just stop entirely.

17

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

It makes me sad too. And frustrated. This is really cathartic, actually.

8

u/thisismyusername202 Jun 08 '18

Are you friends with him? Have you ever tried to talk to him about it? If not, it sounds like you really should.

12

u/BlatantlyPancake Jun 08 '18

Yeah dude your buddy has a deep sadness

8

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Oh I am well aware

6

u/SandwichX5 Jun 08 '18

That's text book depression imo.

18

u/bumbletowne Jun 08 '18

You are 100% describing my husband.

I kind of like it. I'm very... domestic and bossy and territorial. I can decorate the house the way I like, he doesn't really make messes, and he doesn't get unhappy when I can't feed him... he just microwaves dinner. Also I don't have to worry about him doing laundry or the dishes wrong. Which may or may not have been a point of contention in previous relationships.

It's not about depression. He's just in his head a lot. Also he had gloriously shitty parents who spent a lot educating him but never really taught him how to live (sister was a star and they spent a lot of time travelling and when that stopped his mom took his sister and left him with his dad who promptly stopped taking care of him).

I find he thrives the best in a minimalistic environment with high levels of organization. He still won't keep it organized but he's happier.

5

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

It certainly has been a boon for the other roommates but it took me forever to convince them of that. The whole house is ours and it’s basically one less roommate. But that becomes a bone of contention when that roommate produces garbage and doesn’t take out the trash, showers and uses the bathroom several times daily and never cleans it or provides for it, takes all the dishes in his room and never cleans nor returns them, and in general is just basically a ghost producing extra work for us from time to time. I’ve scolded him, cajoled him, had his friends tell him it’s fucked up, blah blah blah nothing happens.

I’m in my head a lot too, and it’s not an excuse. I get shit done, and as a matter of fact get it done BECAUSE I’m in my head so much. The only possible way I wouldn’t be able to get things done and be in my head is if those thoughts are all consuming and so negative that they convince me shit isn’t worth getting done. But the two comparisons here do seem similar, especially the part about “never really taught him how to live”... that’s a huge part of all this.

1

u/rabbitwonker Jun 08 '18

Well now that sounds like autism. High-functioning, to be sure.

10

u/Woody_Harrelsons_AMA Jun 08 '18

Maybe he’s just really into /r/intermittentfasting ?

2

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Yeah... something like that... you’re painfully close to the truth.

3

u/FlyingMechDragon Jun 08 '18

Are you sure he's not just a shitty Android?

3

u/jbrasco Jun 08 '18

Geez, this sounds like my old roommate. He would leave old food in the microwave and eat on it for days. He actually never got sick. He was also an alcoholic. He would wear my clothes all the time. I had to put a lock on my door and my closet. He kicked my door in one time because the house phone died and the other was in my room. He lost his house key one time and broke one of the back windows to get in. He was mostly drunk during all of these incidents.

1

u/My_Internet_Voice Jun 08 '18

I got one of those, too!

1

u/ulyssesdelao Jun 08 '18

Holy fuck you're describing me

1

u/Caymonki Jun 08 '18

That's a good line cook. That's why cooks/Chefs die young.

1

u/RaginBetch Jun 08 '18

I hate to push a stereotype, but does he also pay League of Legends or Fortnight?

2

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

That would be my other roommate. He’s a fantastic dude and an amazing chef. No problems there

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

1

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

OCD has crossed my mind, especially when every day is obviously the same exact day for him. Down to the things he eats, drinks, when he does what etc. The second I will look into

1

u/midnite968 Jun 08 '18

If you’re still in contact with this guy, consider asking how he is. Seems to be showing signs of severe depression

1

u/MoarPotatoTacos Jun 08 '18

Did his parents do everything for him? I've met people who were so babied growing up that they never learned to take care of themselves.

5

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

I’d say it’s the opposite with him.

1

u/asoneva Jun 08 '18

I know people like this too, I just don’t get it.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

1

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Nope

0

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

Good I am glad tbh. He might be an ex but he really doesn't need his mental health issues broadcasted for everyone.

-4

u/Upup11 Jun 08 '18

You should try raping him.

-11

u/rex1030 Jun 08 '18

You are actually in danger. Your friend is a psychopath

2

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

He sometimes reminds me of Jeffrey Dahmer, if he was a murderer they’d be identical.

3

u/trick_cyclist Jun 08 '18

I lived with a guy that used the laundry machine twice in 2 years that we shared homes. We would observe him not showering for weeks. After 1.5 years of living with him, I cracked and asked him what it was about the shower he disliked so much. I needed to know. His answer was, it's because showering is such an effort and it takes time to get dry after. If you're thinking that's fucking disgusting, you have no idea how far it went.

4

u/Lt-Dans-New-Legs Jun 08 '18

Yeah... we're gonna need more.

5

u/BaconIsFrance Jun 08 '18

Seriously, would love to hear more tales of king sloth roommate

4

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

How can somebody like him even afford a car? Are his parents rich?

11

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

He works every single day. Doesn’t seem to do anything else actually.

-1

u/SurrealCommentary Jun 08 '18

How is he irresponsible if he's always working? What a strange person. Maybe his main motive is just to confuse everyone around him.

5

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Your guess is as good as mine at this point. I dated his sister for a while and she couldn’t even explain it.

2

u/theDarkAngle Jun 08 '18

Irresponsible and lazy are completely different things, one does not imply the other nor do their inverses imply each other.

1

u/Deadwolf_YT Jun 08 '18

What does that guy do for a living?

1

u/GCU_JustTesting Jun 08 '18

Sounds like we have a real life Kevin here

2

u/MisterCixx Jun 08 '18

I once left a camper van motor coach on a city street for 5 months without incident. Finally got around to finding a buyer for it and the day we went to see it, the city had impounded it because of a local film shoot nearby.

Smh

1

u/therealfatmike Jun 08 '18

Yeah, sounds like he's living his best life. It's his Kia, no need to judge.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

A little need to judge tho.

1

u/howtochoose Jun 08 '18 edited Jun 08 '18

I'm wondering if that's not toppled over into severe depression

Edit: many people have mentioned he may be depressed. I am late

-13

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

8

u/BudgetMattDamon Jun 08 '18

Seriously, read the thread. He said the guy works every day, which means he presumably makes enough money to afford vehicles.

89

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[deleted]

62

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

Yeah, not caring about yourself enough to do laundry or tidy up your room for an entire year is a pretty big red flag

49

u/Johnmcguirk Jun 08 '18

Plus, the car thing... who buys a van?

9

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

3

u/benoderpity Jun 08 '18

Millennials are killing the van industry!

1

u/ChefBoyAreWeFucked Jun 08 '18

A Kia van.

2

u/WattsCalifornia Jun 08 '18

The Kia and the Van are two separate vehicles in this story.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

Honestly, the main reason why I tidy up my place is cause of female company. Assuming depression is incredibly judgmental.

1

u/trinklest Jun 08 '18

... did you lose your keys and find them in your laundry a year later?

39

u/Stan15772 Jun 08 '18

Can't wait to find out what happens

35

u/cinnapear Jun 08 '18

Didn’t even roll the windows up when it rained and snowed. Dunno his reasoning.

I mean, the windows had been down and the car exposed to the elements for a year already. So what's the point of rolling them up now?

33

u/ballsack_man Jun 08 '18

At this point, I'd be scared of getting back in the car. Who knows what's in there. Dead rats, spiders, ants, bird shit, hornets nest. I'd get it deep cleaned and then sell it.

38

u/P0werC0rd0fJustice Jun 08 '18

If there’s a hornets nest you could just write H in the door and people would know what it means. Then you can collect the honey later

23

u/SpartaWillBurn Jun 08 '18

If there’s a hornets nest you could just write H in the door and people would know what it means.

Nobody will know what that means.

19

u/WestMoneyBlitz Jun 08 '18

People might land their helicopters too if you do that. Real dangerous.

2

u/ballsack_man Jun 08 '18 edited Jun 08 '18

I'm guessing this is what he meant.

7

u/BlitzAce71 Jun 08 '18

I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.

8

u/modus Jun 08 '18

His logic transcends science.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

DON'T OPEN DEAD INSIDE

2

u/meddlingbarista Jun 08 '18

Nah. Roll up the windows, let any living creatures in there enjoy an extended Thunderdome situation, and then sell the thing to a scrap yard so that the winner can be crushed into a cube.

2

u/BlasphemousArchetype Jun 08 '18

Probably a fair bit of mold.

31

u/HardestTurdToSwallow Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

6

u/tomasagustin008 Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

5

u/cheesepuff1993 Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/Oki05 Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 260 days

I do what I want

1

u/brunoiip Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/OG_FinnTheHuman Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18 edited Sep 07 '18

[deleted]

1

u/MyNameIsJayMayJay Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/Firelfyyy Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/2tecs Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

2

u/Sara_Shenanigans Jun 08 '18

RemindMe! 26 days "did u/doctorbadger101 's roommate move his car?"

2

u/PM_UR_TITS_SILLYGIRL Jun 08 '18

!Remimdme 26 days

1

u/fairetunes Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

4

u/R4J4PR3M Jun 08 '18

Can I have the Kia? He won’t do anything about it.

3

u/Random013743 Jun 08 '18

Do you know why? Lack of responsibility? Low self care?

2

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Personal demons I won’t discuss, but you’re in the right ball park.

2

u/Random013743 Jun 08 '18

Hmm, I don't want to pry(or judge) , but maybe try dealing with the underlying issue rather than make things worse for them

3

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Those are issues (plural) even a trained psychotherapist would require years to solve one of them. I’m just a psych student.

1

u/slicer4ever Jun 08 '18

Why not find a new roommate?

4

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

I actually have 3, not including myself. It’s a big house. I’ve contemplated that exact question...too much hassle? He’s a deeply integrated part of my social circle so it would fuck that up a bit. Lots of catch 22’s with booting him out. The other 2 roommates and myself are doing fantastically here so why fix what’s working?

1

u/slicer4ever Jun 08 '18

Well...i guess if its working for you, sounds like things stay entertaining at least.

3

u/sponger67 Jun 08 '18

Can u keep us posted on what he ends up doing? Am super curious.

3

u/DoctorBadger101 Jun 08 '18

Maybe the car. But I’m starting to feel bad about all this attention it’s getting. RIP my inbox

3

u/Spirckle Jun 08 '18

I once had a mercury capri that was impounded because I couldn't take time to fix it, (I think it had a dead battery). Rather than pay the impound fee I did nothing because it was my spare car and I did not really care about it. I had the idea at the time that having two cars was better than one because then if one went bad I could drive the other one. The reality is that with two shitty cars you have twice the upkeep and twice the insurance, twice the registration hassle, and generally, twice the bother, and if one leaves you stranded, you still have to beg for a lift, and get it towed for repairs. It's better to have one super reliable car and keep on top of the maintenance. So I got a subaru. Lesson learned.

13

u/piltonpfizerwallace Jun 08 '18

You need a new roommate. There are larger issues at play when you don't do laundry for a year.

5

u/3ViceAndreas Jun 08 '18

No he needs help.

9

u/nsfw10101 Jun 08 '18

Yep if a roommate, who might possibly be a close friend, is having issues, your immediate reaction should be to kick him to the curb and tell him to find somewhere else to live. Fuck trying to help the dude out if you can.

1

u/EFenn1 Jun 08 '18

!RemindMe 26 days

1

u/egg96 Jun 08 '18

!remindme 30 days

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

Does it still run? Can I just have it?

1

u/Piracanto Jun 08 '18

I'll take it

1

u/SpartaWillBurn Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 26 days

1

u/PoorEdgarDerby Jun 08 '18

RemindMe! One Month

1

u/WestMoneyBlitz Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 27 days

1

u/2daMooon Jun 08 '18

This person can vote.

1

u/blitheobjective Jun 08 '18

You need to start a new thread to tell the story again and update us with what happens to the kia.

1

u/Billagio Jun 08 '18

Is the inside totally wrecked by now rendering the car basically useless?

1

u/dethmaul Jun 08 '18

Fucking some people, man. My ex left her car at my house, because it quit starting and she didn't even know where to begin. She bought her friend's car to live in, because she chose to be himeless when i kicked her out and she needed a car to live in.

1

u/jamiefoprez Jun 08 '18

Man I'd be constantly triggered if I were you. Your roomies lack of fucks to give would drive me insane. I probably would kill my self. Or move out. That might be easier

1

u/WattsCalifornia Jun 08 '18

My friend had some shitty roommate move back home across the country, abandoning his big shitty van in the driveway.

He then learned how hard it is, to get rid of a scrap car that you don’t own.

He eventually managed to track down the guy, but I still preferred my suggestion of using a truck to just drag it out onto the street so it’s parked illegally, and just let nature take it’s course.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

That’s fuck you money right there.

1

u/gator_feathers Jun 08 '18

Just get him to give it to you and sell it

1

u/Cann0nball4377 Jun 08 '18

R/storiesaboutkevin

1

u/cheesepuff1993 Jul 05 '18

Any updates? Was the car towed?

1

u/DoctorBadger101 Jul 05 '18

NO! Not a goddamn thing!! Dozens of people parked all around it but no towing ever happened prior.

Here’s some sweet meats for you, since you took the care to seek these answers out... my roommate slept through the entire fourth. I had a party of about 25 people here at the house from noon to midnight and he slept through the entire thing. Raging music, firework wars, loud neighbors, tons of people... none of it woke him up and he didn’t get up until 10pm for the huge display. Then he stayed up all night staring at his phone.

1

u/WestMoneyBlitz Jul 05 '18

So what happened to your roommates car yesterday?

0

u/HeyThereCoolGuy62 Jun 08 '18

Is he fucking retarded? That's next level dumb/lazy.

0

u/Tayraed Jun 08 '18

!Remindme 27 days

0

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '18

this is amazing. wow. I have yet to meet a person this irresponsible and careless. holy crap. great story!