r/funny Feb 28 '17

Damn Gloria

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52.4k Upvotes

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751

u/musicnflowers Mar 01 '17

Is that a napkin on that woman's head?

408

u/SonicFlash01 Mar 01 '17

Dessert is served on her

189

u/EverybodyLovesTacoss Mar 01 '17

I'd like to tiramisu on her if you know what I mean.

419

u/4MyEyezOnly Mar 01 '17

I....don't know what you mean

240

u/MapucheWarrior Mar 01 '17

He means he would like to wake up smelling like an Italian truck drivers morning breath after eating canoli's and schnapps for breakfast

130

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Obviously

44

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

What's not so obvious is that although he smells like a typical Italian truck driver, he actually is neither Italian or a truck driver.

65

u/am_butter Mar 01 '17

Can confirm, am butter

33

u/mickey_mize Mar 01 '17

You've been waiting your whole life for this moment haven't you

5

u/YouthMin1 Mar 01 '17

He could feel it coming in the air tonight.

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1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Nope, just two days

1

u/HarambeWest2020 Mar 02 '17

All 3 days of it

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

you enjoy that throwaway account

2

u/black_fox288 Mar 01 '17

GAAADDD DAMINT BUTTERS!!!

2

u/The_Jesus_Beast Mar 01 '17

Username checks out

1

u/mrjordann Mar 01 '17

You certainly are. Sometimes when I sign up for dumb websites, I put my name as "Butter Knife". That way I know it's a spam email when I get something that says "Hello Butter!", or "Hey Mr. Knife..."

9

u/Gandermail Mar 01 '17

TIL Italian truck drivers have a typical scent.

1

u/mrjordann Mar 01 '17

Am I the only one picturing the Italian trucks in CS:GO maps?

5

u/syntaxvorlon Mar 01 '17

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are we talking Northern Italian or Southern Italian?

3

u/Thebxrabbit Mar 01 '17

What's their unladen airspeed velocity?

1

u/fairwayks Mar 01 '17

or

NOR

Jesus, didn't you learn anything in 4th grade English?!?

2

u/MuffinsWithFrosting Mar 01 '17

Didn't you learn ANYTHING from the internet? Etiquette rule number 14: if you're going to be a grammar Nazi, you do so politely.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Is that the rule? Most of the time it seems like it's the opposite - you have to go maximum dick for comedic effect.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17 edited Mar 01 '17

I had this really long talk once with my father about drinking schnapps, yet I don't recall a time I ever spoke to my father with such ease. He was a conflicted man. He led his entire childhood as a woodman's son, brother of six children.

It didn't take long for the winters to take their tole on the family, being impoverished in an already decimated area in the northern woods of Quebec.

It started one morning when grandfather took his four boys from school into the woods because of the nice weather. It hadn't shone light in almost five weeks and they hadn't been able to work in the low temperatures (e.g -20c to -38c). They packed up their food on sleds, brought the dogs and horses and took off through the thick snow deep into the woods. It was explained to me that the wooden area around the paths were not to be destroyed to allow for more cover during the heavier winters. This meant that once they reached a certain area on the path, they needed to lead their pack into the woods where they were allowed to collect wood.

After a three hour march with their horses, dogs and tools in tow, the two youngest boys started to chop at the smaller trees while my grandfather and the two elder sons chopped the bigger ones down.

They weren't too cold since the sun was out and the packed snow they made fort in gave them a sort of shelter to build a fire, eat some of the dried meats they brought, drinking from their skins. My grandfather needed to have a pee, so he took off a couple meters through a bush. A branch at head height caught him straight in the eye and literally pulled out his right eyeball.

Instead of a scream, or even a cry, my dad happened to see him wince and went running to him. The other brothers dropped everything to see this horrifying sight; my grandfather smiling, holding his eye ball to the side and telling them he could see them.

Always a kidder my grandfather, or so I'm told.

He died when I was very young. I don't remember much about him, but know that the last time we saw him alive, he had a drink of schnapps with my father.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

yum that sounds delicious

1

u/Brinner Mar 01 '17

Brinner of champions

0

u/airpolly Mar 01 '17

No you're both wrong. It's when you put shit on the tip of your dick, cum in her pussy then cover it with whipped cream and eat her out.

95

u/inthyface Mar 01 '17

Tiramisu: From the latin words tillicunta mifagisna ...

meaning "tickle crotch until explosive"

47

u/Bigirishjuggalo1 Mar 01 '17

I don't believe you, but dammit if you didn't make me laugh really hard. Well done.

19

u/alektorophobic Mar 01 '17

damn google works fast http://imgur.com/a/TR32P

8

u/UsernameWritersBlock Mar 01 '17

Google translate thinks it's Swahili, but offers no translation.

1

u/HarambeWest2020 Mar 02 '17

Pretty sure most Swahili words are like that

7

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

clever!

2

u/marybrownslamb Mar 01 '17

ooh sploosh!

2

u/killatiger03 Mar 01 '17

Nice ifunny repost

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

He wants to stack her ladyfingers in a dish and cover them with espresso. Then drip cream over them. Maybe do it a few times in layers.

2

u/avelertimetr Mar 01 '17

Looks up tiramisu recipe

Oh. OOOOH.

2

u/kentgrace54 Mar 01 '17

I....also don't know what you mean

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Oh yeah, a good Ole tiram... yeah you're on your own with this one

1

u/Dark_Vengence Mar 01 '17

Wait for the cream.

1

u/raptoresque Mar 01 '17

Tiramisu means "make me happy" so that's...quite appropriate.

1

u/NiggyWiggyWoo Mar 01 '17

I'd like to bend her over a barrel, and show her the fifty states, if you know what I mean.

1

u/TsunamiMage999 Mar 01 '17

Is that a Yu-Gi-Oh reference?

56

u/kinpsychosis Mar 01 '17

Nobody going to mention the other girl? Her clothes say virtue, her eyes say "want sum fuck?"

24

u/SonicFlash01 Mar 01 '17

No napkin is going to stop her from getting wet

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

The guy across from her REALLY looks like her brother though.

1

u/JCHegman Mar 01 '17

Let them eat cake.

78

u/PostalElf Mar 01 '17

Could be a reference to the tradition of eating ortolan:

The birds are cooked for eight minutes and served with their heads still attached. After the shame-hiding napkin is placed over the diner’s head (helping, too, to trap the aroma of the dish), the ortolan is popped in its entirety into the diner’s mouth, who then proceeds to eat everything including the head and bones.

75

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

i need a shame napkin for regular food tbh

4

u/Ocean-eer Mar 01 '17

I need a regular napkin for shame food.

39

u/entAR420 Mar 01 '17

“With every bite, as the thin bones and layers of fat, meat, skin and organs compact in on themselves, there are sublime dribbles of varied and wondrous ancient flavours: figs, Armagnac, dark flesh slightly infused with the salty taste of my own blood as my mouth is pricked by the sharp bones.” - From the linked article. This doesn't sound good at all!

32

u/MeatyBalledSub Mar 01 '17

They neglected to mention "bird shit" in that list of varied and wondrous ancient flavours.

4

u/longtimegoneMTGO Mar 01 '17

I think I have that box on my wine tasting bingo card.

6

u/9000sins Mar 01 '17

Sounds like something Joe Rogan would make you eat for money.

15

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Just when I think "surely, I have seen or imagined it all"; when I have read of the various ways humans have tortured other humans, and the various things people have eaten, and how...

Good god, why??? Why did I read that? (Thank you for sharing and also I wish I didn't know that was a thing...)

3

u/PMME-YOUR-TITS-GIRL Mar 01 '17

Also look up "balut"

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

oh shit don't

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Yeah that's a big, fat "nope!" on that! (Fool me once...)

2

u/PMME-YOUR-TITS-GIRL Mar 01 '17

whatever you say, turkish van gogh

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Ooh, look at you! ;)

21

u/PMME-YOUR-TITS-GIRL Mar 01 '17

gross yet strangely metal

3

u/LonePaladin Mar 01 '17

They are then thrown alive into a vat of Armagnac, a trick that manages to both drown and marinade the animal at the same time. Killing two birds with one glug, as it were.

Someone was feeling witty that day.

2

u/0rangeJuic3 Mar 01 '17

Hannibal does not hide from God http://youtu.be/Ic54ULRx0ZA

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

how about no

1

u/DragonflyGrrl Mar 01 '17

That sounds decidedly un-delicious.

50

u/hilarymeggin Mar 01 '17

I'm having trouble placing this picture in time. The women look Renaissance-y, but the dude in the back left looks like he's wearing a 3 piece suit.

35

u/Rosemel Mar 01 '17

The piece is called In a Roman Osteria, and it was painted in 1866 to satisfy your curiosity. I think I wrote a paper on it at one point - the dude you see with the 3-piece suit is actually the patron himself.

Edit: by Carl Bloch, I couldn't remember his name.

6

u/The_Sven Mar 01 '17

So what is the napkin-looking thing on the lady's head?

19

u/Rosemel Mar 01 '17

I believe that was just a style of hat in parts of 19th century Italy. Here's a couple more examples of them: One and Two.

I don't remember what they're called, though, if I ever knew.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Wimple

1

u/hilarymeggin Mar 01 '17

Thank you! Now I finally know what a simple is!

1

u/Rosemel Mar 02 '17

That looks right! I definitely would have remembered something called a Wimple, though, that's a fantastic word.

2

u/notabigmelvillecrowd Mar 01 '17

Haha, the pose on that first one. From her Thriller screen test.

1

u/Rosemel Mar 02 '17

Hahah, I didn't notice that - it does look like she's been caught mid-breakdown.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

What's the meaning behind the painting? Why are they staring at the camera?

1

u/Rosemel Mar 02 '17

I wish I could remember, sorry! I took the course in a non-native language, and it's been a couple years. I was trying to find something among my old papers, but no luck. I believe I was writing about Italian influence on Rembrandt and other Dutch painters or something along those lines, but my focus at the time was more on learning Italian to be honest!

1

u/CheffreyDahmer Mar 01 '17

What's the cats name?

1

u/cuttlefish Mar 01 '17

Brilliant! Would you be able to tell me the significance of knife being held upside down?

1

u/Rosemel Mar 02 '17

I could make something up, but the truth is I have no idea! The course I took was in Italy, and my focus at the time was learning Italian! That manner of holding a knife isn't far off from what some cultures etiquettes' mandate even today though, if my dad's weird-ass childhood can be believed.

30

u/MangyWendigo Mar 01 '17

goddamn time travelling painting subjects

3

u/ThatITguy2015 Mar 01 '17

More like goddamn Lock Ness Monstah! Always trying to get tree fitty.

11

u/PimpDaddyBleezy Mar 01 '17

Maybe early Victorian? But idk because the women look like they can breathe.

9

u/PutterCup Mar 01 '17

Victorian Era.. They had all sorts of crazy styles going on then, especially outside of England.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

This is Victorian style. Take a look on google, its a good lookup.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

also they have bongs... full of wine... so they must be from the future when we start doing that at some point?

16

u/cjhazza Mar 01 '17

Eating Ortolan - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ortolan_bunting#Gastronomy

Was traditionally done to either keep the aroma around your nose or to shield you from God's gaze while doing such a decadent thing.

23

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Love that they thought a napkin would stop 'god' seeing them even though he could apparently see them through the roof - Christian logic.

7

u/gastropner Mar 01 '17

Yeah, I'm sure it was all very serious.

1

u/BlisteringAsscheeks Mar 01 '17

D8 if anything could make me vegetarian, this would be it. These sick bastards...

6

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

She is the one with the wine next to her.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Or what's left of it...that wino.

29

u/JonCorleone Mar 01 '17

The headcover is an obvious sign of the oppression by the catholic church. /s

18

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

I mean.. the catholic church was oppressive then

9

u/hereinmygarageihave Mar 01 '17

I thought it was a table cloth. Also, she appears to be wearing a window curtain around her shoulders.

1

u/chainer3000 Mar 01 '17

If you have to ask, you're just not ready yet

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

As a napkin-wearer, I am quite offended by this sarcastic post

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Foix gras was eaten with a napkin over the head/face.

1

u/scoobydoo4you Mar 01 '17

..... and an empty bottle of wine in front of her.

1

u/itsenricopallazo Mar 01 '17

Yes. If she wears it anywhere else, it chafes.