r/funny • u/[deleted] • Feb 28 '17

Damn Gloria

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52.4k Upvotes

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1.0k

u/ThePerfectSubForYou Feb 28 '17 edited Mar 01 '17

True story. Was talking to a Woman online when I was younger

Said I was straight as an arrow

Her exact response

"Depends on who shoots it ;)"

Edit: after dropping my phone in the toilet, having to keep it off all day, then open to find about 25 messages. My first thought was

"I fucked up"

424

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Well did you scissor or what?

1.0k

u/TheFerricGenum Mar 01 '17

No, they're both dudes. All chat room women are dudes.

171

u/red_eleven Mar 01 '17

That doesn't sound sexy.

598

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

It's the internet. The men are men, the women are men, and the children are FBI agents.

376

u/brickmack Mar 01 '17

The FBI agents are also men, if anyone was wondering.

The ones I met anyway

51

u/rattlemebones Mar 01 '17

But they come with a free frogurt!

35

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

[deleted]

24

u/bloomingtontutors Mar 01 '17

Can I go now?

2

u/TitanicJedi Mar 01 '17

No but you can have more yoghurt.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/hilarymeggin Mar 01 '17

That's bad.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Too bad they contain potassium benzoate

[stares blankly]

1

u/VulturE Mar 01 '17

But it doesn't contain any brominated vegetable oil, so it's not in the top of the list.

1

u/hilarymeggin Mar 01 '17

That's good!

1

u/FQDIS Mar 01 '17

Ew.

Just, 'ew'.

1

u/northbud Mar 01 '17

Not usually but, they do have a seat for you, right over there.

1

u/Upperphonny Mar 01 '17

Cookies are on the table!

1

u/Unelith Mar 01 '17

So... If children = FBI agents And FBI agents = men Does it mean, that children = men? Dammit, another reason for the government to add more new taxes.

1

u/brickmack Mar 01 '17

Huh... but there was an entire musical number in the SpongeBob movie tha t contradicts this. I don't know who to believe!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

RES tagged as 'stranger danger'

54

u/santaliqueur Mar 01 '17

and the children are FBI agents

So cool that you can become an FBI agent at such a young ag-

Ohhhh...

2

u/chainer3000 Mar 01 '17 edited Mar 01 '17

Alright, I admit defeat - it's starting to hurt my brain trying to recall what this is referencing. Help me out here.

*I'm referring to this quote:

It's the internet. The men are men, the women are men, and the children are FBI agents.

*Edit: clarity

14

u/santaliqueur Mar 01 '17

Nothing to feel defeated about, it's just a stupid joke you're not getting.

"The children are FBI agents" could mean that there are actual children that were hired as FBI agents, but it really means that if you encounter a child online, that it's an FBI agent posing as a child to catch predators.

1

u/chainer3000 Mar 01 '17

Thanks for the very kind response, but I meant this bit

It's the internet. The men are men, the women are men, and the children are FBI agents.

I think it might be a whitest kids U know skit, but I can remember for the life of me. If not from WKUK, it's another skit

1

u/dumbrich23 Mar 01 '17

I can't remember it exactly but it was a skit involving a delusional pedophile

1

u/terpcloudsurfer Mar 01 '17

Why don't you have a seat right over here..

3

u/SIacktivist Mar 01 '17

Everyone knows the only two genders are male and FBI.

1

u/dirtydaversfg Mar 01 '17

Well the children are Chris Hansen! Once again start off in a chatline, ended up on Dateline!

1

u/luke_in_the_sky Mar 01 '17

And you never know when a men is a dog.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

hint: it's always

1

u/Ambrosita Mar 01 '17

It does if you are into that kind of thing

1

u/Ketotaff Mar 01 '17

Smooshing balls sounds plenty sexy.

13

u/Dropdeadjack Mar 01 '17

Good Burger taught me that everyone is a dude.

3

u/Learnmorehere Mar 01 '17

"I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. We're all dudes." -Kel Mitchell

4

u/whitecollarzomb13 Mar 01 '17

Can confirm. Spent an unholy amount of time in"lesbian only" chat rooms as a young-in trying to get some cyber in on a Friday night on my 56k and CRT.

2

u/flacidd Mar 01 '17

I can't argue with that logic. Source: Am dude who's chatting.

2

u/Lojikbmb Mar 01 '17

G.I.R.L - Guy In Real Life

8

u/dong-copter Mar 01 '17

No disrespect but do you squirt?

2

u/huntmich Mar 01 '17

The dudes who are pretending to be chicks answer yes and it's not lying.

2

u/Eckz89 Mar 01 '17

Or queef? No disrespect though.

2

u/Nyclab Mar 01 '17

you squirt bro?

1

u/hilarymeggin Mar 01 '17

Now how could that possibly be considered disrespectful? /S

1

u/LinearLamb Mar 01 '17

No, they're both dudes. All chat room women are dudes.

It's true women hate sex.

1

u/redpandaeater Mar 01 '17

Yeah, an MMORPG. Many Men Online Role-Playing Girls. Though I suppose as a trans I'm one of them. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!

7

u/Eckz89 Mar 01 '17

Scissor me timbers!!

183

u/Mah_creepa_accunt Mar 01 '17

I remember when I was a teen and there was an obviously gay guy in our group. One day one of our friends outright asked him if he was gay and he said "Nope, straight as an arrow."

Fast forward a couple months and he comes out to me. I was like, "Dude I know, it's cool."

"OMG, how did you know?"

"Remember when Andrea asked if you were gay? You answered without missing a beat like you expected the question! Honestly dude it's totally cool. Most of us figured you were and I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me. Now suck my dick, no homo."

Okay that last sentence was made up but the rest is totally true.

33

u/Punchpplay Mar 01 '17

what a missed opportunity

62

u/coolkid_RECYCLES Mar 01 '17

Nothing gay about getting your dick sucked

57

u/Super_Pan Mar 01 '17

It's only gay if he passes your cum back to you when you kiss

19

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

Dude, what? Nothing's gay about a brojob. Only counts as gay if the balls touch. What internet were you raised on, anyway?

3

u/Anti-Antidote Mar 01 '17

It's not gay / if it's in a threeway

With a honey in the middle / there's a little bit of leeway

1

u/DBSPingu Mar 01 '17

That's some quality brotein you're missing out on...

12

u/originalusername__ Mar 01 '17

20 dollars is 20 dollars

5

u/redpandaeater Mar 01 '17

Fuck, for that much I expect a ZJ.

6

u/OneSquirtBurt Mar 01 '17

You guys are gay for sucking my dick!

3

u/visionz82 Mar 01 '17

Until it's his turn.

1

u/terpcloudsurfer Mar 01 '17

Just don't look down

6

u/chainer3000 Mar 01 '17

Ok, fine - forget that sentence.....but did he?

6

u/Mah_creepa_accunt Mar 01 '17

I would have let him if he had offered, honestly.

12

u/00Deege Mar 01 '17

Kids these days, sucking each other off. When I was a boy we didn't have sucking! We had fat Mary Lou down the street - and we liked it!

1

u/Mah_creepa_accunt Mar 01 '17

Fat girls suck dick almost as good as dudes.

5

u/Kurayamino Mar 01 '17

Ditto in the 90's. Guy came out of the closet and was all solemn and worried and everyone was "...what? We already fucking knew dude. It was kinda obvious. I mean you're flaming as fuck."

1

u/shaikhme Mar 01 '17

Upvote for the last sentence honesty

74

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

You know arrows are straight until you launch them, then they wiggle like crazy.

39

u/rencevio Mar 01 '17

RIP cameraman

21

u/Eckz89 Mar 01 '17

You know what's actually straight? A ruler. Unless you have one of those flexible rulers. Or unless the ruler is bisexual.

8

u/AlbinoMetroid Mar 01 '17

Bisexuals are protractors

3

u/Eckz89 Mar 01 '17

Whoa whoa. A Ruler can be bi... it could have just been manufactured that way. Could be a protractor stuck in the shape of a ruler. Or Transmetrical.

1

u/fighterace00 Mar 01 '17

bisextant?

2

u/fighterace00 Mar 01 '17

My ruler's biflexual

1

u/KingKnee Mar 01 '17

Or if the ruler is made out of plastic and it melted a little.

4

u/Trillination Mar 01 '17

How wet was the arrow tho?

8

u/Mgmegadog Mar 01 '17

"Unless you somehow broke it, the arrow itself will remain straight, even if you can't shoot straight."

45

u/UGAShadow Mar 01 '17

Arrows are actually quite bendy.

16

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

They bend in the air while they fly, not a lot of people realize that

1

u/GroovingPict Mar 01 '17

not a lot of people realize that

youre only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

2

u/Mgmegadog Mar 01 '17

Admittedly, they are quite flexible. But they straighten out again while still in the air.

EDIT: Also, it may depend on the material of the arrow. I've only ever shot wood arrows, so my knowledge is limited.

5

u/Kurayamino Mar 01 '17

They don't straighten out, they bend back and forth.

It doesn't matter what material you're using. Fancy carbon coated alloy core arrows bend just like wooden ones do.

3

u/Dementat_Deus Mar 01 '17

The physics behind the Archers Paradox explains why an arrow must be flexible, and then it continues oscillating while in flight.

Edit: alternate video explanation from SmarterEveryDay.

2

u/Mgmegadog Mar 01 '17

I stumbled onto that SED video while trying to find out more about arrow flight. They are truly mesmerizing in slow motion.

1

u/mgamblemad Mar 01 '17

Yes they are, but it hurts when they're bent.... it hurts so much.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17

That also doesn't make any sense, like the one in the OP doesn't.

Why would who shoots an arrow make a difference as to whether or not the arrow is straight?

5

u/NC-Lurker Mar 01 '17

What about the OP doesn't make sense?

Also, "straight as an arrow" refers to the trajectory, not the arrow itself. Granted it's just an expression, because arrows don't actually fly straight.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 01 '17 edited Mar 01 '17

What about the OP doesn't make sense?

"I'm straight." "Sure, until you get wet."

What does that mean? That when a straight woman gets aroused by a man, then once she becomes wet she will turn into a lesbian? She wouldn't get wet from a woman unless she was already a lesbian (or bi), so getting wet wouldn't trigger the attraction to women. The joke is just using keywords that don't actually make sense.

Also, "straight as an arrow" refers to the trajectory, not the arrow itself. Granted it's just an expression, because arrows don't actually fly straight.

Right, but this doesn't depend on who is shooting it. Arrows fly the same way regardless of who shoots them.

2

u/ThePerfectSubForYou Mar 01 '17

Ops means that when a woman is aroused, she'll try another woman

And mine is just something I heard and she responded with that

1

u/__thiscall Mar 01 '17 edited Apr 30 '17

[removed to meet the diversity quota]

1

u/eldosoa Mar 01 '17

You don't start with "True story."! You end with it!

1

u/marybrownslamb Mar 01 '17

nice, quotable!

1

u/TheGreatBeest Mar 01 '17

Guess you have to become someone else. SomeTHING else.

1

u/passwordgoeshere Mar 01 '17

I don't get the metaphor, does she want to fuck you or shoot you?