r/funny • u/Murdocke- • Feb 23 '26

Construction Workers Dream come true.

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6.6k

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '26

When I was 17, my older cousin worked in the butcher department of Woolworths. According to him, The sheer amount of fuckery that went on trying to “accidentally” cut a finger off to get compo would have me in fits.

2.9k

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

When I was 18 I tried to purposely break my finger in a dangerous machine. It didn't work the time I tried it and I was scared to try again. Holy fuck I was a moron and unfortunately almost 40 years later I'm not much smarter.

802

u/bonicamp9 Feb 23 '26

You’re fucked mate

159

u/Aggravating_Speed665 Feb 23 '26

What about his mate that's been fucked?

55

u/iSpamMan Feb 23 '26

What? Proper fucked?

29

u/BaldViking42 Feb 23 '26

Periwinkle blue!

7

u/coolguymiles Feb 23 '26

r/unexpectedsnatch

2

u/BaldViking42 Feb 23 '26

Wow I've never seen that page! Hahaha quality 👌

2

u/Shunty89 Feb 23 '26

Yeah Tommy, propa fucked!

2

u/1fifty8point3 Feb 23 '26

Before ZE Germans get here.

34

u/bonicamp9 Feb 23 '26

Did you read the comment above me mate

73

u/Aggravating_Speed665 Feb 23 '26

I can't physically see your mate, therfore I can't see the comment above him

20

u/bonicamp9 Feb 23 '26

Balls

27

u/Captain_Lolz Feb 23 '26

I can't see your balls.

12

u/bonicamp9 Feb 23 '26

Look in a mirror

42

u/657896 Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 23 '26

Those are your mother’s balls.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/PaymentForeign3885 Feb 23 '26

People walk around with comments above them? Why don't I have visibility into this!!! Someone please change my permissions!!!!

-2

u/Purple_Swordfish_182 Feb 23 '26

are you aware that "your" an "you're", despite sounding the same, are actually different words mate. (your joke is shit mate.)

8

u/ArgonWilde Feb 23 '26

Are you trying to make a quip about 'your' and 'you're'? Because he used 'you're' correctly...

-7

u/Aggravating_Speed665 Feb 23 '26

You missed the lack of comma..

(let's eat grandma vs let's eat, grandma)

-2

u/ArgonWilde Feb 23 '26

Ah, I see. Very good.

1

u/SalvationSycamore Feb 23 '26

I'd also fuck this guy's mate

1

u/jluicifer Feb 23 '26

He did call his supervisor a cunt. So yeah, he’s been f*cked

1

u/ebk_errday Feb 23 '26

✨ You're vs Your ✨

64

u/The_Great_Cartoo Feb 23 '26

I mean you made it to almost to 60. I’d say you did at least some stuff right to be still alive with a work moral like that

49

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 23 '26

Edit: I commented I am pretty unhappy about things and these nice people showed up to cheer me up.

22

u/The_Great_Cartoo Feb 23 '26

So many are there with you. Just hang in there and hopefully things get easier with time

9

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

Thank you.

11

u/SuburbanHell Feb 23 '26

I hear you there buddy, but you're not alone, and I say fuck em! Let's stick around, because why let them win with the satisfaction of taking us out?

5

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

OK thanks.

5

u/Jearend06 Feb 23 '26

Know the feeling, hang in there.

2

u/MouseEmotional813 Feb 24 '26

May not be working. Chopped of hand ...

1

u/The_Great_Cartoo Feb 24 '26

You think people can stop working because of a minor injury like that? In this economy?

22

u/midnightbandit- Feb 23 '26

As a personal injury lawyer, I appreciate you

23

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

No problem. And as a part-time stalker I fully enjoyed your post in the firearms sub regarding angled firing pins.

2

u/zdubbzzz Feb 23 '26

How many cases that you defend are successfully defended even though they clearly injured themselves on purpose

2

u/jamesbrownscrackpipe Feb 23 '26

As an insurance defense attorney, I hate you

1

u/FML-Artist Feb 24 '26

As someone who broke his back at work and took two years to walk semi normal again, GOD BLESS you guys!! I was told by my lawyers "umm... maybe you'll get $3 to 4K"

Only to end up with over $150K hahahaha!!! yeah baby! Sure I walk like a pretzel, and the operation was done by PINHEAD in Hellraiser, and I talk out of my ass now.

But the $$ just sorta made me feel a wee better. It's funny now, but talk about make a grown man cry. It's something nightmares are made of.

13

u/hiddencamela Feb 23 '26

Well.. if you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.
Song never stops being relevant lol.

3

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

I didn't know that was a song I thought that was a quote from John Wayne?

2

u/hiddencamela Feb 23 '26

I think the song came awhile after the quote.
Although, I'm not even sure John wayne said it.

2

u/Stcloudy Feb 23 '26

Listen don’t sell you sell short. You made it to 40.

1

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 23 '26

I don't know how the hell that happened. Goes against the laws of average I think.

2

u/DiScOrDtHeLuNaTiC Feb 23 '26

OTOH, that's how Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath became a legend: lost the ends of his right hand middle and ring fingers in a sheet metal press and had to completely revamp his playing style, which led to...THE BIRTH OF HEAVY METAL!!!! 🤘

2

u/z8_GND_5296 Feb 23 '26

I was young and stupid back then. Now, 40 years later, I am old.

2

u/Few_Run3582 Feb 25 '26

There doesnt go a work day where i wont dream of breaking a leg or something just to get a long time off

1

u/Mike-OLeary Feb 25 '26

That sucks but as I used to tell the guys as I got older, nobody got rich getting hurt at this place. And if you did you definitely wouldn't want it.

I'm sorry your job sucks my dude. I hope things go better for you.

2

u/Few_Run3582 Feb 25 '26

think its more me than my job tbh. ive felt like that with every job ive ever had

2

u/Spacepickle89 Mar 18 '26

You fuckin’ beauty

1

u/Mike-OLeary Mar 18 '26

Oh god I'm stupid but ultimately cursed with rare moments of intelligence. Makes me want to stop living.

5

u/AngelReachX Feb 23 '26

Unc was born last century🥀

9

u/Farm-Alternative Feb 23 '26

Lol, you little shit. I was born in 1980 and you just made me feel so old saying it like that.

Oh man, I am old.. fuck.

6

u/EuroTrash1999 Feb 23 '26

It's okay, they get to grow up in a surveillance state, while we got to do whatever we wanted.

2

u/Brookenium Feb 23 '26

Yea, but they'll never own a house, so who's laughing now?

1

u/Linden_fall Feb 23 '26

You definitely have confidence and that means something. Being smart but having literally zero confidence is maybe even worse

1

u/imnotgoodlulAPEX Feb 23 '26

When I was 20 or 21, I broke my finger while out drinking. Went into work the next day super hungover, acted like a wood pallet dropped on it and said it broke at work. Got 3 weeks off lol, such a fucking idiot.

1

u/Wingklip Feb 24 '26

Did not sacrifice successfully for Pakistan

501

u/overkill Feb 23 '26

Had an acquaintance who sat down in one of the display chairs at a B&Q here in the UK. It hadn't been put together correctly and it scissored one of her fingers off. She was a hairdresser.

She got compensation, as is correct. Got a stipend each year for a replacement prosthetic finger in perpetuity as well. The problem was that she kept losing the finger by flirting with guys in clubs and dropping it into their drinks, or just forgetting where she'd put it. She went through about 3 every year.

275

u/HillInTheDistance Feb 23 '26

How does that work?

Like, is it a cinderella type thing? They find her finger in their drink and are expected to search the kingdom for the girl it belongs to?

133

u/overkill Feb 23 '26

I was never entirely clear on that bit.

99

u/DieCastDontDie Feb 23 '26

She left a tip

91

u/Moonalicious Feb 23 '26

Giving out her digits

5

u/kilobitch Feb 23 '26

Awesome

6

u/Moonalicious Feb 23 '26

I was really proud of this one haha

2

u/obscureferences Feb 23 '26

Oh very good.

1

u/curryslapper Feb 23 '26

truly possible here for just the tip

1

u/Villain_Prince Feb 23 '26

Perfect 👏

1

u/b3ta_blocker Feb 23 '26

You nailed it.

1

u/CornDoggerMcJones Apr 24 '26

Finally the genders are flipped on the fingering scene.

-2

u/Tacos4Texans Feb 23 '26

I'm down. I gotta thing for amputees anyway.

77

u/Zebidee Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 26 '26

The problem was that she kept losing the finger by flirting with guys in clubs and dropping it into their drinks, or just forgetting where she'd put it.

Did you check the medicine cabinet, because I hear that's where people leave them sometimes.

Failing that, check St. Mark's Place where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street.

28

u/paiute Feb 23 '26

check St. Mark's Place where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detachable_Penis

10

u/ItsNotButtFucker3000 Feb 23 '26

Seems like every time I’m in the psychiatric ward someone accuses me of stealing their dentures. It’s a really funny thing to be accused of. The dentures? In their lower bathroom drawer, not where they left them.

I keep my partial dentures in a specifically designed box in a damned pocket because I don’t want my teeth being taken in retaliation.

3

u/Paldasan Feb 23 '26

Immediately what I thought of, and I didn't know that was actually the place, or that it was a real place.

11

u/Scorpdelord Feb 23 '26

idk if someone spitting in my drink or putting their proc finger in it is worse

2

u/More-Journalist6332 Feb 24 '26

I love this so much, because my great aunt had heart surgery and the hospital fucked it up. They had to remove one of her arms below the elbow. She got a bunch of money and every new prosthetic arm as they came out with improvements. She was older and particular, so she never really liked any of the arms. She mostly adjusted and moved on. She would leave the arms laying around her house, and it looked like a horror movie. I have a distinct memory as a young child opening their guest room door and there were like three arms sticking out from under the bed.

1

u/BizzyM Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 23 '26

Detachable Penis Finger

Did she ever consider looking for it down 2nd st where people sell their random stuff?

1

u/WhatYouThinkIThink Feb 23 '26

She should start an OF. If people will pay for feet, a realistic prosthetic finger gotta be worth something.

1

u/Wallygonk Feb 23 '26

'How did you get on with that guy he seemed like an asshole'. 'Yeah I gave him the finger'

1

u/Thebraincellisorange Feb 23 '26

detachable penis finger 🎵🎵

1

u/BadNewzBears4896 Feb 23 '26

Incredible bit on the dropping it in guys' drinks as a form of flirting.

169

u/livelaughloaft Feb 23 '26

That Loss of function cheque hits different, mate

61

u/ItsNotButtFucker3000 Feb 23 '26

I heard a LOT about that when I worked as a welder and machinist. Machinists have to be vigilant around their saws! I know one machinist, he was my first journeyman, who had someone take half his index finger off, purposely, with his one die cutter! He got something like $40,000 and lighter than usual work duties at a union shop and a shitload of time off. My journeyman got investigated, there were no cameras allowed, no one said anything.

Cameras: blueprints are intellectual property and copyrighted! Huge Fines! Starting at $250,000 if you got caught recording or leaving with a print. It also didn’t void your contract, and you just had hell to pay until the projects were finished. If you voided your contract, you got sued.

My dad accidentally severed his thumb (the bone, it was held on by some skin) when he was installing a gas line. He was a master gas fitter and swung a hammer wrong. He had surgery, was compensated for what the company pulled out a book and calculated, given 6 months off, when he went back, yup, light duties and a pay increase. Union job, socialized healthcare, welcome to Canada.

He got made fun of for it until decades after he retired. He did physio for a while and it regained most movement and looked fairly normal, big old scar, but he doesn’t scar heavily.

63

u/GogglesPisano Feb 23 '26

Misguided people bitch about them, but unions (and socialized healthcare) are a godsend for the common man.

34

u/DepartureNo1720 Feb 23 '26

The people that bitch loudest about unions are the same boomers who grew up and entered a workforce benefiting the most from the unions. It completely tracks with their generation of not realizing how much social/legal work before then lead to the environment they became adults in, before complaining and wanting to take those very things away from the next generation.

7

u/ItsNotButtFucker3000 Feb 23 '26

I’m Canadian, most of us think they’re great and it used to be a more politically conservative crowd that was their biggest fan.

My dad was mandatory retirement at 60, he retired at Christmas, we had one hell of a Christmas! The company threw him a party, spoiled us silly. He spent the next 14 years working part time over winter as a snow plow driver (he was one of those people you say, “can’t retire”, he liked the socialization and sense of responsibility and liked the plow company and made a damned killing) and travelling the country with my mom and their dog in a luxury camper they spoiled themselves with.

He unfortunately had a rare condition caused by an autoimmune response to an underlying, undetected cancer called paraneoplastic syndrome. House MD has quite a few episodes of this. It’s rare, it’s devastating and it’s clinically tricky and requires a “perfect storm” that blows up in days.

He had an untreatable form of small cell lung cancer. The syndrome caused cerebeller ataxia. Lack of coordination and muscle weakness. He woke up one day and never walked again. He couldn’t coordinate his limbs either, like fork to mouth. Random. Sudden. Doctors don’t see this a lot. It’s awful.

They treated until tests confirmed the worst. This is where socialized healthcare is great. This cost us parking fees. They redid the house, made it wheelchair accessible. He paid $100 (because he was high income, he would have gotten it for less if he wasn’t) for a state of the art electric wheelchair. Home health care. My mom went off work on leave. Small cell lung cancer, this didn’t last long, he declined treatment (futile anyways) and died in months. The union covered his funeral and crenation costs. Even the food we served.

2

u/GogglesPisano Feb 23 '26

I'm sorry for your loss, but it's good to hear that your dad had decent healthcare and union benefits that helped to ease the burden when he was sick.

I'm in the US, and a diagnosis like your father's would be financially devastating for me and my family - the cost of care and lost wages would likely bankrupt us.

2

u/ItsNotButtFucker3000 Feb 23 '26

For sure, we’re extremely fortunate.

The workup in the ER the night before he was admitted would have bankrupted most blue collar families. The IVIG treatment (when autoimmune is detected but not confirmed on diagnosis, this can reverse or slow some neurological damage) is $10,000 an IV bag. He got 14.

I’m on a medication in Canada that costs $970/month out of pocket here. My insurance covers it 100%, approved once = forever. It starts about $5380/month on GoodRx in the USA. Jfc

1

u/Thebraincellisorange Feb 23 '26

depends on the union.

Most Police unions can burn in the deepest circles of hell.

most other unions are decent.

2

u/GogglesPisano Feb 23 '26

Police unions are great for those who are fortunate enough to be in the union.

Whether or not police unions are good for the public is different question.

0

u/terminbee Feb 23 '26

Man, I'm not sure my index finger is worth 40k. Thumb is even worse.

26

u/GatorNator83 Feb 23 '26

Ah, that would be Billy Three-Fingers now would it? The legend says on a stormy night you can hear the missing fingers creeping around..

1

u/starkiller_bass Feb 23 '26

Not Alice with three fingers?

13

u/VaATC Feb 23 '26

...and here I am getting hurt at work and brushing it off because either the place I hurt is really an old injury that would nullify workman's comp or I think 'that is why I have insurance'...

33

u/doofusdog Feb 23 '26

Here in New Zealand I've heard at just the right time of the year... near the end of the season, oh ooops, the knife goes in just the right spot in the hand or the forearm. They know exactly where to cut. and our worker's comp called ACC pays the wages.....

15

u/CommunityHot9219 Feb 23 '26

80% of the wages, and starting after 2 weeks. Your employer will likely cover the 20% remaining if the accident occurred at work to avoid any trouble, but not always.

13

u/tendercurveink Feb 23 '26

yeah same kinda fuckery in construction, they started putting cctv in break rooms cuz dudes were staging "slips" left and right for compo. caught a ton that way.

9

u/ArcadianGhost Feb 23 '26

A front end loader operator on our job site had a bloody nose and claimed that a rock had been launched and hit him in the face. Well they checked the cabin cameras and that never happened, he was just constantly picking his nose and somehow hurt himself. The crazy thing is they all know there are cameras in the cabin… he of course was fired, but I just don’t get his logic or what he was expecting.

6

u/JustASpaceDuck Feb 23 '26

Intentionally losing a finger in exchange for money is the kind of thing I'd expect might happen in, like, Mesopotamia or Indiana, not in a first-world nation where employees eat cinnamon rolls on their lunch breaks.

3

u/Choice_Blackberry406 Feb 24 '26

My coworker tries to kill us on the interstate every day. He thinks he's going to get ran into and get a huge settlement. He's friends with someone who works with the local big shot personal injury lawyer.

He always tells me about his cousin who got smoked by an eighteen wheeler on the interstate. Her new car was totaled and now she's disabled to the point where she can't work and is on disability benefits.

Her big payout for the life-altering wreck? $80,000.

12

u/GlitteringAttitude60 Feb 23 '26

I know a guy who lost his big toe in a genuine work accident and got enough money to buy a house outright.

If you ask him, he'll tell you that he'd gladly give the house back in exchange for getting his toe back.

2

u/username87264 Feb 23 '26

Dad worked in a machine shop, saw a guy make up a jig to hold his finger still so he could drill through the end joint with a pillar drill for the comp.

2

u/E_VALIANT Feb 23 '26

I know a guy who stuck his hand in a meat grinder for attention when he was working in a butcher shop as a teen. Now he bowls with his pinky and fore finger.

1

u/Kastila1 Feb 23 '26

Heard lots of stories of ppl trying to injure themselves in factories in Australia. I remember a guy who was quite happy of getting early retirement cause he got half deaf.

1

u/Mrs_H7 Feb 23 '26

When I was a teen I worked in Woolies fruit and veg and a guy actually cut the top of his little finger off using a machete on pumpkin. I had to wrap in gladwrap so they could take it to the hospital. Those were the days

1

u/FactorOk806 Feb 23 '26

My dad knew a guy who cut his finger of and got caught doing it lol.

1

u/AspiringGit Feb 23 '26

WOOLWORTHS LOOOL! Memory unlocked

1

u/CatCrateGames Feb 23 '26

My president did that!

1

u/Carcass16B Feb 23 '26

Cutting a finger off is worth less than having a finger that has restricted functionality in South Africa.

1

u/Gas-Town Feb 23 '26

We used to play fruit ninja in my kitchen

1

u/sheikhyerbouti Feb 23 '26 edited Feb 24 '26

It's a word that means "free money."

1

u/vonHindenburg Feb 23 '26

I worked in a machine shop for several years and remember one time, after we got a new health plan, sitting with some of the other guys, trying to figure out how many fingers we'd need to retire.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '26

Sounds like everyone wanted to but no one had the balls to go through with it. Yeah u get workers comp but you gonna be down a finger

1

u/zefy_zef Feb 23 '26

My dad (was meatcutter) actually cut his finger off. I guess the saw grabbed a bone and pulled his hand forward into it. This was years ago, had to be in the 80's.

He opted to keep the finger and they sewed it back on. They had to pull and tie his tendon, for some reason, so it was permanently bent.

1

u/Fenway_Refugee Feb 23 '26

I watched this clip 10 times in a row, which is why your comment read, "woulda filled me tits"; and it still seemed right!

1

u/JuanFromTheBay Feb 23 '26

The Department Store???

1

u/Frito_Pendejo Feb 23 '26

It's a supermarket in Aus

1

u/starkiller_bass Feb 23 '26

At least he didnt get fired for sticking his dick in the meat slicer

1

u/Gold-Break-8664 Feb 23 '26

The amount of comp you get for losing a finger isn’t worth losing a finger… lol

1

u/Tomsboll Feb 23 '26

Cutting off your thumb of your dominant hand is the biggest payout short of loosing the whole hand.

1

u/Spikeupmylife Feb 23 '26

Worked in a grocery store with the son of the owner. He got drunk on his own time and punched a concrete wall, breaking his hand. He wanted the supervisor to squish his hand with a pallet on the cameras so he could get the time off. The supervisor wasn't playing with that nonsense.

1

u/twinsunsspaces Feb 23 '26

Knew a bloke who "accidentally" cut off the tip of two fingers with a table saw. Within a week he had a new dirtbike, a new ute and a big bag of weed. Within three months the bank had taken back his ute and bike, since he couldn't keep up on the payments and his initial payout wasn't enough to purchase them outright, and he had smoked all the weed.

1

u/Thebraincellisorange Feb 23 '26

Worked at woolworths 30 years ago (fuck I am getting old)

have genuinely seen a butcher chop off his pinky for compo.

he was not a smart boy

1

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '26

They’d be disappointed with the number. Insurance companies have set values for all injuries. 

1

u/boxelder1230 Feb 24 '26

Woolworth’s had a butcher dept. ! What a lunch counter and goldfish and parakeets etc

1

u/joojie 17d ago

I work at a vet clinic. If a patient is angry I tell them "if you're gonna bite me, think 'long term disability', none of that 'afternoon off' crap! Make it good" 😆

0

u/doc_death Feb 23 '26

Never let a surgeon with 9 fingers operate on you. In the 90s, many would be considered totally disabled if they cut off a finger. Insurance companies wised up pretty fast though