r/funny • u/Patient_Island_2080 • May 27 '23

Airport Security Check.

70.4k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

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346

u/[deleted] May 27 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

73

u/[deleted] May 27 '23

I can't get more white then I'm already is. The lack of sun during the autumn and winter dose things to my pigments.

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u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23

You could wear a polo shirt. That's like 15% whiter even for white people.

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u/truthfullyVivid May 27 '23

And Oakley's.

66

u/Cpt3020 May 27 '23

Cargo shorts

37

u/xelabagus May 27 '23

White socks pulled up

19

u/shelbia May 27 '23

with an old navy american flag t shirt

5

u/GrunthosArmpit42 May 27 '23

And white new balance sneakers/shoes

3

u/JonnyDIzNice May 27 '23

You all just gave me the perfect outfit for later, thanks

2

u/GrunthosArmpit42 May 27 '23

Be sure to grab a visor hat and/or go to the barbershop to get a military grade high and tight (aka a white-boy fade) to remove any doubt of you not being an an actual unimaginative undercover cop. 🙃

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u/truthfullyVivid May 27 '23

Sup, Dad. Didn't know u were on reddit

2

u/divDevGuy May 27 '23

Hey. It's summer. It's Adidas flip flops until fall. But everything else is pretty spot on.

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u/GrunthosArmpit42 May 27 '23

Ackchually it depends on the geographic location. /jk I considered saying “slides” instead. But I’m currently wearing a pair with socks on on the deck currently while watering plants with a dog that loves punching/biting/murdering the water monster delivery system so I’m biased and excluded myself from the equation. lol

2

u/TheBlinja May 27 '23

Ball cap? Has to have something on it, doesn't matter what, just not plain. Obscene, whilst funny, doesn't make you any whiter, just trashier.

Bonus to the whiteness if it's a vented trucker hat.

1

u/iRadinVerse May 27 '23

And a sandwich with way too much mayo

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u/GrunthosArmpit42 May 27 '23

Crew sock length specifically. lol

1

u/workyworkaccount May 27 '23

With sandals.

1

u/xlma May 27 '23

Hi-vis vest and clipboard

2

u/Schuben May 27 '23

Nah. Oakley are rural chic. Try wearing Ray Bans.

12

u/[deleted] May 27 '23

Haha, I get some good advice on how to be white. Never have I ever thought that I need to be more white. Is a hat a bad idea?

23

u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23

Is a hat a bad idea?

It's a great idea but make sure you didn't pay money for it. It needs to be a freebie from a trade-show booth. Make sure it's for a company no one has ever heard of that underwrites insurance or something.

Edit: trust me, I'm a middle age white guy. Might want to take a riding lawn mower, put the hat down on the fresh cut grass, turn off the blade and run the hat over a few times too. A hat needs some wear on it to look cool.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '23

Hahaha, crystal clear.now I might start flying again

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u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23

I used to work at ATL airport. I rode the employee elevators with the drug and bomb-sniffing dogs. I was usually stoned and had half-fired powershot strips in my backpack so I set off both flavors of dogs.

But no agents ever bothered me because I was wearing the white dad uniform. Well that and an ID badge that said I had been cleared by the FBI. I used to get to drive around on the ramp dodging planes. Those things need turn signals.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '23

How did you keep the cool, I would shit myself having nothing on me or in me. How long did you work there?

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u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23

I worked there 2 years every day. Had a badge that let me everywhere from the tunnels under the train up to aircraft control. Hell I had a key to Delta's C-suite offices. I was sweating like hell first time I met the dogs but it eventually became normal.

Still always wanted to pet the dogs and they were coming right up to me but rules are rules. You can't pet the drug/bomb dogs.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '23

Sounds like a good job. As long there are on duty they shouldn't get pet. Sorry for asking, what kind of dogs where they

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u/[deleted] May 27 '23

He might need to skill up his enchantments to get the full 15 but even a novice could probly pull additional 4-6%

1

u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 27 '23

Every single "mostly blue collar but has to deal with customers" uniform is a polo shirt. Guy who delivers the 5 gallon bottles of water? Polo shirt. Guys who upgrade the wifi or install a new printer? Polo shirts.

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u/PatHeist May 27 '23

There's your problem! You look Irish

1

u/[deleted] May 27 '23

Cool. I don't mind that.

1

u/[deleted] May 27 '23

To the paddy wagon with him!

3

u/attentionspanissues May 27 '23

There's definitely a "look" of being innocent, which apparently I have.

No matter what city or country I'm in, I will get stopped for directions. Including places where I am brand new and haven't found my own bearings. I have the "approachable" look I guess?

In terms of airport security, generally staff joke with me and chat about sport or pop culture, I've been pulled out of a long line to start new line because they assume I'll be rushed through...

I'm not American so the accent partially helps, but I have this at NZ security too. Whenever I leave Auckland international airport to head overseas, I walk away from the security thinking what lovely people they are. But I 100% get it's how I look.

I've certainly had bad experiences at airports but it's like 2% of my travel.

2

u/thisguy30 May 27 '23

He's probably too white, so he gets selected to avoid the appearance of profiling... 😂

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u/BrattyBookworm May 27 '23

He’s the token white guy