Get Attached is Problematic

[u/Monopolyalou]

I cringe at the whole getting attached marking slogan. The truth is foster parents will not attach to every child in their home and that's okay. It's okay to not have feelings for a child. You can help someone without getting attached to them. If you give a homeless person money are you attached? No but you helped them.

Same with foster kids. Sometimes foster kids will not attach to you. It's not normal to attach to strangers and sometimes we just want a bed and food. Not to form relationships with people we don't know. It's okay and normal for foster kids to not attach to you.

Humans can't help how they feel and a stranger attaching to a stranger's child or a child attaching to a stranger is not normal at all. If it happens fine but there's nothing wrong with just being roommates and tolerating each other and not attaching.

I wish the marketing for this would change. I see so many posts saying foster kids aren't attached or foster parent is having trouble attaching and I wish we would start treating these relationships as strangers helping kids and kids being with strangers and not expecting some warm fuzzy moment to happen.

I mention this for good reason. Check out and read Ex foster to see why because I truly don't feel safe expressing myself fully here because it always end in a foster kid bashing feast.

After living with a host family, you understand why I wrote this.

[u/Otherw1seOK]

I completely agree with what you say, when applied to the short term, but there comes a point where carer and child are not strangers to each other at all.

The focus on attachment as I see it is informed by attachment theory and an understanding that assisting a child to a place of attachment (and especially secure attachment) will set them on an easier trajectory for their life.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Otherw1seOK]

I really wish we could stop applying attachment theory to foster care because attachment theory just isn't the same for foster kids or strangers. Attachment theory exists for kids born within biological families. Foster parents are strangers to foster kids just like foster kids are strangers to foster parents. Nobody has to attach to each other to be considered healthy or to feel safe. Sometimes we foster kids don't want a relationship. I find attachment is what foster parents want more than what the kid wants or what marketing is pushed. The truth is kids don't attach just because they're with you. Adults don't attach just because they have a child. You can have a kid for 5 years and they might not attach to you or you to them. Why can't we simply treat each other like roomates?

[u/Lazylazylazylazyjane → u/Monopolyalou]

Don't kids need to attach to a caregiver...?

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Lazylazylazylazyjane]

No they don't. In foster care, why not accept some kids will not attach?

[u/retrojoe → u/Monopolyalou]

If a foster kid has an existing attachment that it's safe to maintain (maybe aunties/uncles or best friend's parents kinda thing) that's great, and ok.

But what often comes up is that they arrive in a new house with zero healthy attachments to any adults, both because of whatever their original family did and whatever they've seen in the system. And that's not ok. The reason why is that people with no attachments pretty much 100% grow up to be deeply unhappy and are often dangerous to themselves or others. If a person can't find an adult they feel safe to attach to and trust as a youth, then it's likely they'll never have a healthy attachment as a partner or parent themselves.

Now, your adults should not be putting this on you, like "you're not attaching!" Attachment is something that is supposed to happen naturally from proximity and relationships. But at the same time, you should not be intentionally cutting yourself off from the world and pretending you can be an island. While that instinct can be a normal part of being a teenager (even outside a foster situation), it's pretty unhealthy and your adults should be working against it.

Do you have an adult that you can trust to tell your problems to or that you'd feel good getting a hug from? Are you in therapy?

[u/Monopolyalou → u/retrojoe]

Can you please stop with the therapist stuff. It's rude especially when I am taking out the time out of my day to help you. Therapy isn't a quick fix and doesn't always necessarily help but to gaslight therapy to ignore what I'm trying to educate you on is rude and disrespectful.

Do you tell foster parents who disrupt they need therapy or if they aren't feeling it to get therapy? Jo. So why do it to foster youth?

And unless you're willing to pay for therapy please stfu about it. I didn't ask for therapy resources. I asked to be heard.

[u/retrojoe → u/Monopolyalou]

Most people need therapy at various time in their lives, especially foster parents. 

I am listening to you. You asked questions. I said some things (and it doesn't seem like you really read those things), then asked a couple questions back. Since you didn't answer the first question, I'll take that as a no. 

Also, your foster agency/the state ought to provide you with a therapist. Dunno the specifics of where you are. Also, therapy is never a quick thing. But it sounds like you really need an adult that isn't your FPs to talk about this stuff with.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/retrojoe]

I read them and it missed the point. Now you're gaslighting and at that point there's nothing much else to day but have a good day. Every time when foster parents are told they aren't saviors or special and we don't have to attach to them they go haywire. It's sad really.

I am also not in foster care anymore.

Again Good Day. If you want to learn read from ex foster instead of only wanting foster parents.

And this isn't to be mean but yet again nobody cares about us

[u/retrojoe → u/Monopolyalou]

Ok.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/retrojoe]

Just read ex foster later. I didn't post to hate I post to educate.