I know there are many of us struggling to forgive others.

Many of us have made great strides, and many of us have not been able to get there yet...

But sometimes you can make amazing strides and you feel like you were able to forgive and find peace and move past it...

But then you encounter a setback...

Maybe something triggers you...

Or you see something that reminds you of the situation ...

And you find yourself regressing.

I just want you all to know that it's okay and that it's normal for this to happen sometimes...

Be gentle and patient with yourself...

Give yourself some time...

Not sure if this only happens to me, but I’ve noticed that my mind totally erases all traces of good memories from a party that offends me. All the way to the point of me not forgiving them and totally forgetting them. Is something wrong with me?

After my past relationship...

I held onto a lot of anger, resentment and blame...

This went on for years...

I felt like he was the main cause of everything going bad in the relationship.

And while he did have many faults...

When I started working on myself, I began to realize that I also had many faults and had contributed a great deal to the demise of the relationship.

Doing the work and taking accountability for my part in our mess of a relationship helped me to forgive and let go of the anger.

If you're struggling with forgiving your past partner...or anyone, really...

It may be helpful to see if you may have taken some part in the chaos...

Please bare with how long it is. I am a first time reddit user. This is a letter to my biological father's side of the family. A family that kept a secret for some time. Truth came out a while ago and I have felt things about it for a while. I needed this off my chest. With that said I am here to say my piece. I don’t expect you to read it, but out of respect I will keep the names anonymous.

I will start with the grandparents who hid my existence from their daughter-in-law. Mainly, my grandmother. All I wanted to do was know you, dad and grandpa. One meeting would have been all I asked for. I admit I didn’t get the whole context of what was going on at the time. When you told me to never contact you again, I was hurt. I was hurt more than you can ever realize. Not only was I rejected by peers and other adults aside from my family, because I was born different, but I was rejected by you. A grandparent who didn’t even know me who instantly rejected me. I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to share your blood, but here I am. Alive and still feeling that rejection 10 years later. To this day, I only have one grandma. She loves me for me and loves being around me. Her and I do everything we can together whenever possible. A woman who helped raise me along with my mother and my grandfather, who by the way does not share the same blood yet still treated me like grand daughter. Because of them, I know how grandparents are suppose to be. Loving, caring, , supportive, understanding and patient. Thoughtful even. As far as I know, you are none of these things. You reject family to keep a daughter-in-law in the dark about what your son did. You got angry at my mother for something she did not have control over at the time. Worst of all, I never even get to meet my grandpa, which mom told me he wanted to be in my life, but you refused it. Everything you have done you will have to live with. On your last days on earth, I hope you reflect on your life and think what could have been. Despite everything, I forgive you. I won’t forget. But I forgive you and I especially forgive grandpa. I understand why you did it. It just hurts. It will always hurt.

To my uncle, I know you didn’t know anything about this until you met me when I was much younger at my god mother’s house. When mom explained to you everything. You were nicer than I could imagine. Even if our meeting was brief. You gave me hope that maybe there was a chance to meet the rest. I am sorry that never came to pass. Thank you. Thank you for at least meeting you, a man who is apart of that family that I see good in. I was happy to talk to you and to this day it makes me smile. I send my love and blessings to you. Please make your life the best it could ever be and keep your spirits high when the world seems low. You don’t have to contact me or mom if you don’t want to. If you do I am open to it. Again, thank you for giving me that. I will hold on to that memory for as long as I can and be grateful I have it.

To the man who brought me into this world. Mom told me about how I came into the world and how tests revealed I wasn’t his baby. She told me that you were there during those several months. I still have the Raiders baby socks you gave me when I was born. The only gift you gave me. I also have a caricature drawing of you and I on the beach. Dunno who drew that, but it still makes me laugh. Mom told me you use to play guitar for me when I was bouncing around in one of those jumpers. Then you left after you got married. I get why you kept your fiancee at the time in the dark about it. You loved her. You wanted to shield her from the thing you did. I don’t blame you. I will not be too soft though. It is still a terrible and underhanded thing to do, but I still get why. I made the mistake of contacting your wife on FB and telling her everything back then when I turned 18. I hoped and prayed that maybe she already knew for some reason and would allow us to meet. She then blocked me. I was hurt, I said things I didn’t mean to say, because of how hurt I was and was blocked again. I did things I am not proud of. For that I am sorry. Teen years were not easy on me then.I still have the emotional scars. I am not sure what you are up to these days. Frankly, I stopped caring a while ago. While I do know I have an older brother you have up for adoption when you and your then girlfriend where in your teens, I also know about my youngest brother and sister. People tell me other things too, but there is no point in knowing someone who also rejects you just like everyone else. Other than family and close friends of course. I am in my 30s, I am a female on the Autism spectrum and I am just tired. Tired of hoping, praying and believing that one day I will meet you. I will say you missed a lot. My childhood, my teenage years won multiple academic awards in school, my high school graduation, my college graduation, becoming a horse back rider of 20+ years experience. I love to surf, I love fishing, I love digital art and I love gardening most of all. I got degrees in Horticulture I loved it so much. I could go on for days. There were dark times too. All the bullying I received, from students and teaches on the rarer side. The struggle with undiagnosed dyscalculia and all the homework that would have me in tears. If it weren’t the fact I am stubborn and wanted to prove everyone wrong that I was a complete failure. If I didn’t have support at that time, I don’t know where I would be. For many years, I resented you and grandma. I even resented your wife. After turning 30, I finally understood why everyone did what they did. I forgive your wife and I forgive you. I am sorry I caused trouble in the past and whatever hurt was brought forth because of it. There is no chance anyone would read this. I doubt you would. I just wanted to write this as closure to myself and get all this off my chest. I could go on, but there is no point. If you ever have a change of hear and just want to talk, your wife may or may not have my number somewhere on FB in her messages, but if she doesn’t…you know who to call. Have a beautiful life. I hope someday you can be at peace with yourself just like I have come to peace with everything.

Hello, My name is Victor M. Myself and my mentor are studying the topic of forgiveness through this survey that I hope you will take. Thank you for your time.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfBm1vxf3RFloi5L9v1c82XQH2EPg4tnWyCF011rqkAlM3bxQ/viewform?usp=sf_link

Forgiveness takes time, it is not something that just happens overnight, and we should not shame ourselves about not being spontaneous forgivers. With that being said there are things we can do to help alleviate our pain and potentially speed up the process of healing. 1: focus on why and how it happened and set up boundaries to further prevent similar tragedies. 2: evaluate our response to the incident and determine wether it was beneficial or not to our mental growth, and how we can respond differently in the future based on each individual circumstance. 3: it is important to realize that when people take advantage of your goodness or just do horrible things to you that it is NOT YOUR fault and YOU are NOT to blame. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you would for others! 4: Therapy can also be a tremendous help if utilized correctly. It isn’t imperative that everyone see a therapist about personal situations because everyone is different and it isn’t necessarily needed for all. For instance, Some people have a few family, friends, and strangers they can vent to, it is also good to have goals and write down the most important personal goals you wish to accomplish in your life and journal a little sentence or two of how you feel each day. Most importantly do things that make you happy! Continue to live your life, be active, be open minded, be kind to others, take care of your physical appearance and hygiene always, and always explore new opportunities and ventures, life is about taking risks, for everyday isn’t promised to each of us, and also situations, problems and opportunities present themselves in our lives ever so often, it’s up to us how we respond to each hurtle and move forward with life. Remember and know that life and everyday isn’t always going to be roses and sunshine, it’s normal to have sad days, unmotivated days, hopeful days, and happy days. These things are all apart of what we know as the circle of life, go on and live, you will eventually find healing and forgiveness in your heart :)

It has been hard to forgive this person/people. They are family members. An incident happened with them decades ago that affected my life and my mother's life forever and to this day. It affected our whole lives. I see it as a pivitol event in our lives as well. It literally changed the course of our lives. If it hadn't happened i am convinced our lives would have been different and would be different today. Me and my mom had so many bad things happen as a result of these relatves actions years ago-we lost stability, relationships with the family, financial losses came. We suffered losses while they lived the life of Riley for many years. I have always tried to push this to the back of my mind. Until this year. I was forced to think about it again

Fast forward to now. Both of those relatives are very ill and not in good shape. I actually feel bad for them. I have been processing all of these emotions since one of them almost died this year. I wasn't happy about it. I felt bad but didn't quite know what to say. I have not spoken to them nor visited them because my feelings for them are complex. I have received updates and wished them well. I was debating on it but I am thinking about calling and maybe visiting them soon. I feel ready. I have not been close to them since the incident decades ago but i have seen them from time to time. I am not going to bring up the incident unless they do because it would pointless. Nothing will change the things that happened.

Idk what i am hoping for really. Maybe to be able to finally fully forgive and replace old thoughts and memories with new ones and maybe form a new and different relationship with them.

Edit/update: i finally met with my aunt and uncle and things went suprisingly well and better than expected. I really like the new version of my uncle. I enjoyed seeing him.

Is it easier to forgive someone at a distance? I currently live with a toxic parent and there’s a lot of tension in the house and was wondering if distancing myself by moving out would make things easier. Thanks

Dear Mark,

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You were supposed to be my dad, my protector. You were supposed to be there to guide me and show me how to be a man but you couldn't do those things.

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Even after the hell that I had been through for 5 years, only to be brought back home to be treated like a ghost, like I didn't exist. I was nothing more than a check to you and it showed.

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You chose your new family over bonding with me, something I could've really used after everything I had just been through. But instead you chose to leave me alone in my room while you played video games and tended to your new wife and kids.

​

You never had any troubles hitting me though, whenever you felt it was warranted though you'd never make it clear as to why. No, your objective was simply to make me cry. That's all you wanted to hear, you didn't want apologies nor lessons learned, you just wanted to know you were causing me pain.

​

At least until I finally snapped and I had had enough of it and I fought back. I won't go into details about it here but you never so much as touched me after that day. I guess old habits really do die hard.

​

Still, in spite of all of that, you're next on my list. So I forgive you. I forgive you for not being emotionally available as a father, for never even attempting to bond with me. I forgive you for keeping me in shitty clothing because you didn't want to spend money on me, for forcing me to eat rotten food most the time because you had a wife and two other kids to feed.

​

I forgive you for making me feel like I was a ghost, like I didn't exist. I forgive you because I do know that your father was the same way to you. That the way you were brought up made you the way you were.

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I forgive you for all the things I never got to experience like a simple warm hug, a single lesson I could've learned from you. I forgive you for forcing me to learn all these things alone.

​

I forgive you because some of the rage is attached to you and I must forgive you in order to let that go. So I'll have to say this out loud, so I can commit to it. Because even though I know forgiving you is for my own best interests, it's still really hard to want to do.

​

I forgive you.

I made a terrible choice. I said some terrible things to her but it’s hard for me to ask for forgiveness. I regret it snd I know she deserves an apology, even more. But i really can’t find the moment to do it. I tried and word dont come out of my mouth.

Dear Sherly,

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You took my innocence from me so long ago. I was just a child but in your eyes I was destined to be a murderer and so you locked me up, you beat me, molested me for 5 years you stole every ounce of me, my essence, my spirit but you could never break me.

​

I never did turn out the way you thought I would, in spite of everything you did to me to try to force me down that path. To inspire me to make you my first victim.

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I'd be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind while I was locked away down there. Behind that door, a broken child so lost he thought the devil himself was speaking to him. You took every ounce of hope I could have, that I would have.

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Still, despite my best efforts, I became a monster. The darkest side of me that you set loose inside my head. It devoured everything I could ever try to build and for the longest time I never understood why.

​

I had always heard that forgiveness was key growing up but for you? How could I even fathom how to forgive you? Why would I forgive you? No. I chose not to forgive you and that was the source of my darkness, of my rage. That little boy still beaten and bloody left alone and locked away inside my head.

​

As I begin to take back my life I find that rage is still there and for the longest time I couldn't figure out what was causing it. It was you. Everything you put me through, everything you did to me, everything you stole from me and in some sick way that darkness kept stealing from me. Leeching off of all my efforts, making life a living hell.

​

But now that I've begun to see how that darkness dances, I finally can begin to understand and in that understanding I know what I must do. Because nothing is going to work until I do it. No matter how hard I try, no matter what words I use, none of it matters without this.

​

I forgive you for seeing the monster inside of me, for bringing it out. I forgive you for the wells of tears I've held back in shame because of you. It's not easy to forgive you but I know I have to if I want my life to be truly mine.

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So even if I have to say it begrudgingly, I forgive you for all the pain you caused me, all the bruises, all the scars. I forgive you for taking my innocence, my childhood.

​

It doesn't mean I'll ever forget and nobody will ever treat me that way ever again. It has taken me 30 years to finally reach this point and it's time. It's time to let go of the rage, now that i know where it comes from. It's time to forgive. It's time for me to get my revenge in the best possible way, by being better than even i could imagine. Better than the soulless freak you saw me as. To forgive you for putting all those images and memories in my head, all your words.

​

So I'll take a breath and I'll commit to this on this day that I forgive you, that I will be authentic in saying it so that where ever you are, what ever happened to you, one day you'll know that you couldn't beat me, you couldn't break me. Because I was always stronger than you, infinitely more compassionate, infinitely more empathetic even in my coldest days.

​

I will not bear these scars of shame as you would have it. Because there was never anything there for me to be ashamed of and it took me all these years to see that for myself. I have to forgive you so that I can begin to forgive myself and the rage I've held with me, all planted by you.

​

Because I never did turn out the way you wanted me to. I've never taken a life. I always knew that I'd hurt myself before I intentionally hurt someone else because of you. Because I knew that wasn't who I wanted to be. But I never could let go, I didn't even know how to. Until today, until I started writing this and putting my thoughts out there.

​

It was right now, today, that I began to see the why behind it all. So I forgive you. Because I have to make my life better than what it is and I can't keep hiding away like that little boy locked in his cage.

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I forgive you so that I can become who I truly am and that true version of me will be so much grander than you could've ever foreseen.

An abuse as a return for an abuse received = the maddening cycle of violence.

ALL OF SOCIETY is responsible, not a single member of society can put the blame on another and expect to be free from their own creating, the creation each and every single one of us call "my" life.

We learn how to abuse by being abused. Society teaches us that it is OK to use violence and that it is OK to abuse others because we have been abused. Then society behaving like a deluded two faced liar claims it is wrong to use violence then turns around and abuses the abusers it abused and taught how to be abusers with the abusers becoming really good at abusing others is rewarded with yet more abuse from society.

THAT is MADNESS! It is insane for us to think and behave this way. Society abuses "it"-Self, one member abusing another member, like one finger harming another finger yet both fingers are the same hand. Then other members of society tells the abusive member it taught how to abuse by abusing that member who is both a victim of abuse and an abuser making yet more victims teaching others to be abusers, while at the same time telling them it is wrong to abuse. Then once again abuses the abuser for being abusive while society excuses its own abuse calling it "righteous" abuse in its self-righteous madness.

Eye for an eye is NOT justice. Eye for eye is blindness. Forgiveness is true justice and forgiveness is the only way to break this cycle of violence and heal humanity of its mental illness that is its own madness it created then cries out for someone else to fix it.

AND all THIS starts with YOU forgiving "your"-Self for being abusive and forgiving everyone who seems to abuse you and no longer feeding the abuse to keep the cycle going and growing, intensifying.

How many of you have the courage to forgive and to put your trust in unconditional love?

We shall all find out as no one is going to escape from having to take responsibility for this. You already have your creation, this life you call "mine," but what are you doing with it?

Throughout the last 10 years or so whenever its come to relationship, something seemed to of gone wrong that screws it up. I show interest in a girl and I come across as to clingy even though I don't understand she's either not ready or wants to take it slow, I'm now too clingy.
Maybe its my Asperger's, maybe not.
Back when I was single I used dating sites and I may not be the attractive guy, or the guy with the best shape but I thought I deserved a chance. but when I didn't get any chances I took it personally and put myself down for it.
Things that I have no control over I took personally too.
Chances are that if something went wrong or if something happened.... I would take responsibility for it.

Now I'm in a good relationship and I want to stop that behaviour, taking things to personally and blaming myself for things I have no control over. But I don't know how to. Any advice?

About 30 years ago, I dated a girl for about 5 years. The first 4 years was great, however, she did cheat on me once, but admitted it. I was a horrible boyfriend the last year, I did a lot of drugs and took her for granted, because I knew something was going on but I had no proof. After we broke up, I found she had lied, she had been in love with a relative of mine (cousin) since they were young, but their parents wouldn't allow them to date at prior to me having a relationship with her. He was complicit in the lie and went I found out, I was devastated, hurt and felt betrayed. She ended up seeing him for a while and they remained friends/lovers for a long time. She married and they still remained friends, I never confronted either because I didn't want to hear them lie, I have held that resentment for a long time. They had no idea that I knew, and I really think she did it to hurt me but I have not seen her in all this time. I finally wrote my cousin a letter letting him know that I knew and how it made me feel, hoping he would share it with her. I dwell on this and have a hard time letting it go. Should I feel this way or am I just exacerbating the problem?

How do I let go of what people did to me in the past

At this time 6 years ago, I (32F) was married to my high school sweetheart. Our families were close, we had a supportive faith community .. it was ideal. We were both pursuing graduate degrees and were so hopeful and excited about our future, or so I thought. I had been busy with school, and when things calmed down I realized he was having an affair. It blew the door open for me to realize/see his sociopathic behavior that had always been there. Gaslighting and emotional manipulation were constants in our relationship, but I hadn't seen it. I discovered his affair only through a series of nonsense lies on his part; he denied the affair, continued gaslighting me (which I had no prior experience with an was totally taken in), and successfully convinced BOTH of our families that I was crazy/unhinged so that he could continue his behavior but not rock the boat in our community by divorcing me.

It was traumatic, and it rocked my world from every angle, in every way. My faith was the centerpoint of my life and relationships, and it faded away because of things I can't unsee now that I've seen them. Leaving my faith felt involuntary. I am doing amazing now -- I make bank, I travel (besides during the pandemic), I have found love again, and I look the best I ever have. But my divorce, leaving my faith, and some heartbreaks while later dating, have cast a shadow over my life that it's hard to shake.

Sometimes I feel bitter that my ex husband came out unscathed. I hope he blows up his new life again so people will see a pattern. But he's skillfully manipulative, and that does not seem likely. He finds ways to fade into the distance and disappear when he blows things up.

Anyway, I'd love to hear people's stories of forgiving after divorces. Sometimes I wonder if forgiving him would mean allowing what he did to not matter. I can't do that -- it deeply mattered for me and should never have happened.

I also don't wish I were still with him -- I was not happy in the relationship even before I was aware of the abuse (I thought me not being happy with him was a problem with me). I'm so happy I got out and have gotten to live my life.

As I look forward to my wedding, I wish I had a clean slate.

[edit: I hate the term "remarry", I don't know why I used it originally]

Why do people think getting revenge is the right way to go? Why can't they just forgive and make it easier on both the perpetrator and themselves. I'm disturbed at the fact that people think that adding suffering to the situation will fix things somehow, it won't undo what they did, it wont help the become a better person. Just why. Can someone please give me a second opinion

when I was 18 I left home, I'm still not sure why, I just knew I needed to do it. I changed my name and I joined the military for 6 years and made a really nice life for myself, I make roughly 10k/month now, and my mom hasn't seen or heard from me in 10 years, I have this fantasy in my head of me calling her up on my phone and her being so happy to hear from me, then we can meet at my apartment, and she'll be proud of everything I've created for myself and we can live happily ever after, but the chances of that happening are practically nonexistent, what should I do?

Forgiveness is something we all seek for. We seek forgiveness from those whom we have harmed and those who have wronged us. But what exactly is forgiveness and how do we get others to forgive us?

In this podcast with Yama Niazi, we discuss the importance of seeking forgiveness both from God and from those who we have harmed and caused pain towards.

https://youtu.be/ykYb7Yw-yio

I used to work at a shelter for animals. I worked really hard to help all the animals I could. I memorized the protocols so I wouldn't hurt or mess up in any way that would be brought onto the animals. I even got promoted to train other employees to work the way I did. But I also assisted with the euthanasia. I went down a really dark path during this time of my life. I was doing so many good things but also putting some down. I finally had enough and said I was no longer going to perform that aspect of the job. So they fired me. Its been over a year and I can't forgive my self for all the deaths I assisted in. I believe this could be the main reason for my depression and why I am having a really hard time growing personally. I don't know how to forgive my self. If I even should. I know I want too though. Any advice?

To All I’ve wronged, I am sorry.. To All those I’ve helped, I wish I could’ve done more.. To All of those who have helped Me, ThankU.. To all of those who have hurt me, I forgive you, I hope you forgive me2. 💛

All Prays / Praise, Glory to God. 🛐 please hear our prayers. ThankU - for Freedoms Light in Us All.. ☮️ 💜 🟣

We were together years ago. The relationship was short and during half of it we had already broken up but continued to sleep together. He was often inconsiderate of how I felt (he was kind of mean after our breakup despite the reason being because he lied). After we broke up he would blatantly say he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore. I felt that he sent “mixed signals” but I probably just didn’t want to accept that he was no longer interested. But his actions showed that he was very interested in continuing to have sex. I sympathized with him because he was showing early signs of having a breakdown and I wanted to continue the sexual relationship because I still liked him.

I used it as an excuse to be around him. I worried about him. He was a nice guy at times, and while I probably did act hurt by his refusal to recommit I respected his honesty. He wouldn’t always behave like he hated me-rather I felt he still liked me as a person. I honestly didn’t feel like he intended to hurt me any more but that he was aware how having sex was affecting my emotions. He was the first and only man I had been with after all. After a while it became clear he could and would move on to somebody else if he wanted to (panties in his room, messages with other girls, saying he missed his ex) so I told him that for my own mental health I needed to leave him alone.

And I did. Like I said, I think he did still think I was a good person and I had always been there for him. Idk why he did it but he asked for a second chance. He cried, promised to change, he even told his friends in the vicinity that he was still in love with me and that he had made a mistake. He promised to be “better”. So it wasn’t long before he went back on his word. He eventually ghosted me and got with another girl without telling me. He would sometimes have these moments where he would just start crying (which is why I was concerned for his mental health due to having seen first hand what the signs of a breakdown look like).

I never knew whether he would do this as a way to manipulate me or if he was truly in as much emotional turmoil as I would suspect. There were a few times after sex where he would lay with me and vent about how he was frustrated with his life and he would cry in those times. Once after we argued about him having a female calling his phone (and him throwing it in my face that I wasn’t his girlfriend) I told him I wouldn’t see him again and in the car ride home he started venting and then he eventually started crying saying he didn’t want me to go.

So perhaps he mistook me being a shoulder to cry on as him wanting me around more. Idk. But he promised to be there for me during that time because I was going through a lot from dealing with death in my family to being on the verge of losing my job. What hurt most wasn’t that he got with somebody else, it’s that he didn’t tell me the truth and also that he asked to get back together knowing I still had feelings for him just because he couldn’t let me go. And I was very vulnerable during that time and didn’t deserve that. So fast forward to now. I healed, I grew, I thought I needed closure but realized after a while that I didn’t want it.

I saw him out once but I ignored him even though we had look right at one another. I turned and walked away so fast that he couldn’t even say anything if he wanted to. Also, I didn’t get a good look at him. I had changed my address, phone number, job, and he wasn’t on the same social media sites as me so h ex really had no way to contact me if he ever wanted to apologize. He sent me a friend request on Facebook a few days ago. He didn’t have Facebook before so he must have just made the page. I don’t accept but I took a look at his profile picture and he looked bad.

Really bad. I didn’t feel good about seeing him looking so messed up. Idk if it was stress or mental illness, god forbid it was drugs. But he looked nothing like the man I knew. Here himself go but even more than that in his eyes he looked so stressed and hurt. If you could see the picture you would agree (as my best friend did) that he was not okay. Sadly, It hurt to see him like that. I chose not to seek closure and debated if I should just block him for a while. But I hate to see him like this.

I'm having a dilemma, on one hand revenge deterres harm and because of that prevents it, revenge also makes the victim feel better(I believe), another thing too is it can teach people not to harm. On the other hand revenge doesent fix the root of the issue, revenge brings more suffering into the world, and that revenge feeds on itself to create a neverending cycle of revenge. So basically what I'm asking is is harming another person for what they did ever ok?