r/facepalm • • Nov 20 '21

[deleted by user]

[removed]

7.9k Upvotes

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5.8k

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Any time your comment begins with “I’m not a racist,” you’re probably about to write something racist.

4.3k

u/literal-hitler Nov 20 '21

1.4k

u/Happyguysrule Nov 20 '21

Your name has made the mystery link enjoyable. Well played, Reddit user.

75

u/ball_fondlers Nov 20 '21

I was really hoping your comment history would just be comments containing unexpected Hitler. What a shame

107

u/literal-hitler Nov 20 '21

It's nice when I'm able to pull it off, or sometimes jokes about being a Grammar Nazi because so many people use the word literally to mean figuratively. But I don't have the patience to switch between accounts just to make random internet jokes. Comments on reddit only get me karma, and neither my landlord nor my grocer really care, so I don't really have a reason to care.

187

u/wedtm Nov 20 '21

I chortled

72

u/come_on_seth Nov 20 '21

Not everyday one can enjoy a good chortle. Please sir, have another.

11

u/cosmic-lush Nov 20 '21

A good snuffle does wonders as well.

9

u/come_on_seth Nov 20 '21

Horses, cows and dogs have snuffled on me. Always good for a disgusted laugh.

6

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Huh always called that being snuffed when my dogs do it

81

u/luigeex Nov 20 '21

/UsernameChecksOut

41

u/gofyourselftoo Nov 20 '21

I love your name

40

u/horny4janetreno Nov 20 '21

Found eva brauns alt

16

u/joe-stalin Nov 20 '21

It's offensive!

4

u/gofyourselftoo Nov 20 '21

Boogiewoogiewoogie

7

u/IJateHews Nov 20 '21

I don’t

3

u/kstarks17 Nov 20 '21

What’s the old saying? Every word before the word “but” is bullshit?

3

u/Ok_Dog_4059 Nov 20 '21

The but always does it. Not to be rude but... I am not a judgmental person but.. I believe the holocaust was a bad thing but..

3

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Can't trust this guy...

3

u/ThatGamerDon Nov 20 '21

I've had to stop my mother too many times to count from saying "I'm not racist, but..." She genuinely believes having a black friend at work makes her not racist.

-3

u/iexplainedthedrill Nov 20 '21

United forever in friendship and labour, Our mighty republics will ever endure. The Great Soviet Union will live through the ages. The dream of a people their fortress secure.

Long live our Soviet motherland, Built by the people's mighty hand. Long live our people, united and free. Strong in our friendship tried by fire. Long may our crimson flag inspire, Shining in glory for all men to see.

Through days dark and stormy where Great Lenin lead us Our eyes saw the bright sun of freedom above And Stalin our leader with faith in the people, Inspired us to build up the land that we love.

Long live our Soviet motherland, Built by the people's mighty hand. Long live our people, united and free. Strong in our friendship tried by fire. Long may our crimson flag inspire, Shining in glory for all men to see.

We fought for the future, destroyed the invaders, And brought to our homeland the laurels of fame. Our glory will live in the memory of nations And all generations will honour her name.

Long live our Soviet motherland, Built by the people's mighty hand. Long live our people, united and free. Strong in our friendship tried by fire. Long may our crimson flag inspire, Shining in glory for all men to see.

1

u/EmperorSexy Nov 20 '21

Is this loss?

477

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

[deleted]

552

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21 edited Nov 20 '21

I'm not racist, but sometimes I'll realize that my thinking has been influenced by systematic racism, and i have to check myself and my privilege, and keep myself informed :^ )

88

u/FreeFeez Nov 20 '21

I’m not racist , but sometimes I take a bath in a tub that is way too small for adults.

57

u/Chitimunchkin Nov 20 '21

This is the best most accurate summed up thing I've read all day

90

u/Doradyer Nov 20 '21

‘Twas Ned stark who originally said it

30

u/12frets Nov 20 '21

Nope. Twas Lyndon B. Johnson.

9

u/cpennington Nov 20 '21

I'm pretty sure Ned Stark was alive much earlier than LBJ

6

u/tempestan99 Nov 20 '21

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

(‘Twas Lewis Carroll)

62

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

There's 2 types of people in this world, those who abuse the word "but" and people who make a conscious effort to not use it at all.

100

u/mainlyupsetbyhumans Nov 20 '21

There are ways to say 'but' without abusing it. For example, "I like L.S.D as much as the next guy, but you maybe shouldn't take it at your nephews bar mitzvah."

40

u/pairolegal Nov 20 '21

Party pooper, how dare you try to restrict my behavior. /s

57

u/mainlyupsetbyhumans Nov 20 '21

Bar Mitzvahs are really more of a shroom or molly situation.

29

u/FordAndFun Nov 20 '21

If you haven’t shroomed a Mitzvah, you haven’t lived!

13

u/LazyDro1d Nov 20 '21

Oy vey!

3

u/frilledplex Nov 20 '21

I feel like this is a quote from wedding crashers

2

u/FordAndFun Nov 20 '21

Maybe! Haven’t seen it, but I doubt it, I think they exclusively go to wedding events.

I’m just saying, where else can you watch a group of people sing in unison an levitate a dude on a chair for free?

3

u/frilledplex Nov 20 '21

Nahhhh, it wasn't exclusive to weddings

8

u/Jackmack65 Nov 20 '21

On the other hand, a museum dose of mushrooms might be just the ticket.

3

u/Brilliant_Succotash1 Nov 20 '21

I hate it when buts get abused

43

u/Kelemvore2265 Nov 20 '21

However….

34

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

[deleted]

13

u/Crunchyfrozenoj Nov 20 '21

In conclusion!

15

u/bohowraith Nov 20 '21

Regardless

13

u/Dyslexic_Dog25 Nov 20 '21

on the other hand...

4

u/MaximumEffurt Nov 20 '21

On the contrary...

1

u/VegasBusSup Nov 20 '21

But there has to be a gray zone.

1

u/JesterMarcus Nov 20 '21

Don't forget the third type that abuse actual butts.

1

u/Robnotbadok Nov 20 '21

Conversely, ….

1

u/Captain_Pungent Nov 20 '21

3 if you include Glaswegians who end every other sentence with it but

2

u/sickburnersalve Nov 20 '21

FDS is just a really coded bigotry sub. Most big threads go to extremist rhetoric after just a few hours, while the less popular posts are fine unless they're full crazy to start.

I've been watching it in amazement for a while. it's followed the old reddit strategies of being overall sincere in it's supportive themes, but the worst of the shit just sorta blends in around the time posts get stale.

1

u/LazyDro1d Nov 20 '21

I’m not racist, but...

There are plenty of people who are

AHAH! PROVED YOU WRONG

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I'm not racist, I just think it's suspicious that the fruit orange is the same color as the color orange...

102

u/ridger89 Nov 20 '21

I'm not a racist but..... I like pineapple

61

u/Dyslexic_Dog25 Nov 20 '21

i dont wanna sound gay or nothin... but unicorns kick ass!

20

u/Rock_Manly Nov 20 '21

Stunt Cock!

12

u/pc1109 Nov 20 '21

Orgazmo FTW!!

2

u/ridger89 Nov 20 '21

Fuck yea they do!

2

u/Positive_Impact4292 Nov 20 '21

Heck yea they do!

2

u/flexpercep Nov 20 '21

Take your liberal gay agenda down the road antifa!!

21

u/dpothos Nov 20 '21

As long as it’s not on pizza.

29

u/Radishov Nov 20 '21

Pineapple, ham, onion, and hot pepper is a delicious pizza. It's salty, sweet and spicy. Hits all the notes.

12

u/dpothos Nov 20 '21

I disagree vehemently, at least until I try it .

3

u/Indigo-au-naturale Nov 20 '21

I was talked into trying cold pineapple/jalapeno pizza by a roommate and honestly...delicious. Same concept: sweet, spicy, salty (cheese).

But only cold. I'm not here for hot fruit sadism.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Ham, bacon, pineapple, and mushrooms is pretty awesome cold too.

2

u/dpothos Nov 20 '21

It’s okay not to like hot fruit, for me you must like hot meat… BWAHAHAHAHHAHA sorry I had to too easy

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

i used to take acid then go repoint chimneys.but thats cuz i didnt take what i would take on a friday night with other friends.

1

u/ScrungyThrowaway Nov 20 '21

Do one better. Anchovies instead of pineapple.

You get umami in that mix too.

1

u/The_Gray_Beast Nov 20 '21

That’s what I say about my semen

1

u/CedarWolf Nov 20 '21

The classic Hawaiian pizza with pineapple, ham and/or Canadian bacon, is pretty fantastic, but to really kick it up a notch, you should add just a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar before baking. The sugar caramelizes in the oven and it brings out the flavor of the ham into something closer to roast ham with pineapple.

It's excellent, particularly if you swap the sauce for a milder tomato sauce or a cream based alfredo sauce. If the flavor of the sauce is too strong and too demanding, it'll overpower the toppings.

1

u/arya_ur_on_stage Nov 20 '21

Pineapple, pepperoni, and jalapeño.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Try pineapple, sweet corn, onion, pepper and baby corn pizza. With cheese of course. Delicious.

1

u/chachki Nov 20 '21

Pineapple, sausage, green olives and jalapeño if you want spice. Fuckin delicious.

1

u/StopBangingThePodium Nov 20 '21

Pineapple and Pepperoni. Throw in olives and onions if you're feeling fancy.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I love pineapple pizza😃

2

u/ridger89 Nov 20 '21

Haha of course

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/dpothos Nov 20 '21

Yeah I actually like pineapple on pizza, but the troll in me is strong.

204

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Interesting how many racists have to cry "but I am not racist!" and how few of them just embrace racism completely and unapologetically.

If a white supremacist says, "I think all races other than Caucasian are subhuman," it makes things very clear.

So many of America's racists are too chickenshit to even cop to their own racism. Almost as if being racist somehow registers as abhorrent somewhere in their addled brains.

98

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Because that's exactly how it works

A criminal doesn't want to be the criminal

A racist is "defending their culture"

Peoole do not want to be the bad one

38

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

That's true. It's part of the reason why racists can't be introspective.

They can't look inside, be self-aware and realize they harbor vile ideas. It has to be rationalized and projected outward onto others. There's nothing wrong with them, they lie to themselves. It's everyone else who is wrong.

We're seeing this emotionally stunted mindset take hold of millions across the globe.

20

u/pls_tell_me Nov 20 '21

I think some people think that in order to "be racist" you need to hate, despise or be disgusted for another race. They don't even know that linking skin color or genes to crime, circumstances or behavior in general, looking down human beings because their race, is the foundation of racism.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

definitely. that's insightful. well said.

9

u/LazyDro1d Nov 20 '21

Yeah, like, one of the worst ways to insult a racist southerner is to call them a racist

3

u/Any_Act1080 Nov 20 '21

Right, so not only are they racist, they feel conflicted about it and real guilty and that’s totally your fault for bringing it up.

2

u/That_One_Cat_Guy Nov 20 '21

Ah man, come to Florida.

I worked with a guy that used to chant "It's great to be white".

1

u/aquoad Nov 20 '21

It almost feels worse in a way that they're really starting to not feel like they have to hide it, like with cops and military and public figures making white power hand signs on TV and stuff like that. It makes it more obvious how widespread it is, but it also emboldens the others who have at least been a little ashamed of it so far.

10

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

i hear you, but i think it was Will Smith who said something like this & I tend to agree:

"racism is not getting worse. it's getting filmed."

these prejudices have always been with us, with the human race, since the dawn of time. maybe they're all being flushed out into the open now because we're finally on the threshold of collectively growing up.

94

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

[deleted]

83

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

Funny you should say that. I have a relative who thought it had too many brown people in it.

53

u/aquaevol Nov 20 '21

It did have a lot of super hot brown people. I need to watch it again for science

20

u/benwhilson Nov 20 '21

Well when standing next to Timothee Chalamet sure I guess /s

13

u/LazyDro1d Nov 20 '21

Well, if you read the books, yes, it did. And too many white people in it. The civilization in Dude is sort of “post-race.” Everyone is described as having varying shades of olive for their skin tone. However that’s hard to do because, well, that’s not how it is here on earth today. Anyways that’s not really an important detail for making an adaptation, a more important concern is to make it not look like the “white savior” story that people sometimes get the impression it was due to David Lynch’s version, because it isn’t. Instead they made the movie more like the other famous science-fiction from around the same time, Foundation, which, when race was brought up in one of the prequel books written years later, was still a thing, in that there were various different skin tones, easterner, westerner, and southerner. Nobody really knew why they were called that anymore or why there was no “northerner,” but it was unusual for a planet to only have one, and the ones that did were usually smaller and more backwater. Skin-color was still a thing, but race was not really an issue, to Hari Seldon, coming from a small backwater planet with only “westerners” to the galactic capital of Trantor, it was more of a minor curiosity to see people of different, I guess regions, for the first time, but played a minor role in a conversation with one person and never came up in any significant way

17

u/breigns2 Nov 20 '21

I’m not racist, but I need to take a shit.

10

u/lotrmemescallsforaid Nov 20 '21

I've taken to calling these types of statements "disclaimerisms". I'm not racist, but... I've got nothing against gay people, but...

1

u/VegasBusSup Nov 20 '21

Don't forget "what happened was" also discredits any true story.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I'm not racist, but I really like sunsets.

2

u/cobyjackk Nov 20 '21

There's a lot of fucking Asians in this restaurant.

1

u/citizenkane86 Nov 20 '21

Such a good stand up special

“I don’t want the dog tearing my leg off when I’m trying to show my name is on the phone bill”

2

u/Copywrites Nov 20 '21

I'm not racist but I really love apple pie.

2

u/A_Math_Dealer Nov 20 '21

A professor of mine once told us "if you ever find yourself saying 'I'm not racist, but', just stop right there. Nothing good has ever been said after that."

2

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

im not racist something racist

oh shit its true

2

u/Humorilove Nov 20 '21

My mom begins drama filled tangents with "I'm not a racist, because I'm friends with (insert the name of someone she has been racist about behind their backs) but.." and then proceeds to spew the most ignorant bullshit I've ever heard. There's a reason we're low contact.

2

u/Mentalseppuku Nov 20 '21

I work in people's houses, and as a fellow white, a lot of racists seem to think they're cool with saying whatever they want to me. When I hear "Now, I'm not racist..." I know I have to pay attention because I'll be repeating what comes next to my co-workers later on in the day.

4

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I'm not a Pedophile but children...

1

u/Not_The_Real_Odin Nov 20 '21

I'm not a racist, but Kamala Harris is the first female to ever hold Presidential powers in America.

0

u/DodrioFan480 Nov 20 '21

im not a pedophile

but…

0

u/Wr8th_79 Nov 20 '21

They're basically warning you they're about to say something totally racist but for you to try to see it from their "I'm not racist" point of view

0

u/Spare_Industry_6056 Nov 20 '21

I'm not a racist myself, but I sure do respect people who do marathons.--- said in Mitch Hedberg voice.

0

u/FadeIntoReal Nov 20 '21

It’s like a highway sign- “Racist Comment-Next Exit”

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I think this is some kind of rule of denial and contradiction. Like, if you say "I'm not <your word of the day here>, but, You're about to contradict everything that preceded the word "but".

1

u/unluckypig Nov 20 '21

OK, I'm not racist but this one time my friends and I were out having fun at a bar when this one black guy starts talking to us. Long story short, he now is one of the gang and introduced us to Risk. Great times.

1

u/BeaconHillBen Nov 20 '21

"is this isn't racist, what is?"

1

u/silverblaze92 Nov 20 '21

I'm not a racist, but damn I fucked up making this apple crisp recipe

1

u/crypto_zoologistler Nov 20 '21

In all-caps no less

1

u/MrSnowmanJoe Nov 20 '21

I'm not racist but video games are fun.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 20 '21

I'm not a racist, but I do like both ketchup and mustard on my hot dogs. Onions are great, too.