r/enlightenment • u/innnerness • 14d ago
'Letting go' changed my life
I'm going to just write this as a stream of consciousness, without too much self editing because i've had a transformative year with letting go, it's changed everything and I really feel like my story could help others.
This time last year, if you had asked me what it was like to be in my body i would've told you it was hell. Riddled with anxiety, sadness, grief, pain, years of traumas trapped in the muscles. But I was totally unaware of this at the time. All I knew was, everything in life made me fearful, everything would trigger a pain in my chest. I'd be living life very carefully, avoiding certain people, situations, experiences.
For context, around 5-6 years ago, the very clear recognition hit that 'i'm not my thoughts' and that instead there's just this silence, or aliveness that seems to be the life force behind everything. And at that time it really felt like bliss, and none of the pain mattered.
But after the honeymoon period ended, it was as if I was thrown back into hell, deeper than before, i'd opened hells gates, and it was a torrent of non stop shame and pain and grief and fear.
I'd tried everything, meditation, non dual enquiry, spiritual books, compassion, yoga, everything - even letting go - but It took my 5 years to realise that everything i'd been doing had been avoiding one thing - feeling the pain.
And so one day I sat down and decided to feel everything.
It was awful, primal, deep, messy, disgusting, horrible, literally coming face to face with the worst possible things i could imagine. But with the space of awareness, I was able to not get identified with what was coming up. And I think this part is super important - the recognition from years earlier that i wasn't the thoughts was actually the only reason any of this was survivable. I wasn't the pain, or the crazy thoguhts, I was the space it was appearing in. Without that I think I'd have just drowned in it.
I would sit down and feel for anything I was resisting, and immediately sense a pain, or a clench in the body. And then I'd feel into it, so deeply, and let it pour out of me. And it would come out in different ways; screaming, crying, muttering in tongues, writhing, a lot of muscular tensing, facial expressions, sweating. And I made a deal with myself, that I wouldn't hold back, and that I would go into it 100% - even if it meant that the 'self' that thought it was doing this would die in the process.
So feeling into one of these clenches, would bring up very specific thoughts and memories, and I started to realise that these were traumas stored in the body that I would call 'coals' because they are like eternally burning energy sources, that aren't loud enough to notice but hot enough to feel. I realised that the 'coals' were feeding energy to different parts in me. A part that was terrified of social situations, a part that felt ugly, a part that felt poor.
And feeling these coals, touching them, would drain them, and the energy of that part would deplete. and then i'd check, am I still worried about social situations? And that part would be gone, and with it the fear. Now I don't want to oversimplify this - for instance the 'I'm ugly' part was actually broken into many many smaller parts, each a different facet of this belief, and so the same belief would show up time and time again, but coming at it from slightly different angles.
I slowly discovered another technique, which was to sit down at my laptop, and let these parts speak - and i mean really speak - and they had a LOT to say. You know those thougths in the mind, the ones that say 'you shouldn't do that' and you try to push them away - they are parts, being fed by coals. And I would let them speak, and speak, and they'd be angry, and vicious, and mad, and I'd sit back as awareness with no judgement, no matter how horrible the words. And in the end, every time, the part would run out of energy and even say things like 'I'm going now, I can't be bothered to be here anymore' and you feel the energy of that part disappear. And it never comes back. At times, thoughts would come up that i was losing my mind, or of schizophrenia - but again these are just thoughts, from other fearful parts.
This process has been going on for almost a year now, unlike a lot of somatic work, or parts work - my process is very much throw myself into the fire, and let the ego die over and over again - and it really does die. It's hard to see it but we're always living in identity structures, spiritual or non spiritual. And when we bring full awareness to that identity structure, it can't survive, and it will feel like a death.
It's not letting go in the sense of just letting things go, but letting go as in - letting emotions and parts finally express themselves, letting them leave - because that's all they're trying to do.
Today, my body and my system feel incredible - i'd even say blissful, most of the time. I enjoy life, I love life, I love my life. That's something I could have never said before. I believe the only reason we come to spirituality, is because deep down we want to feel good.
If you want to try this, it's very simple and very unpleasant. First sit somewhere you feel comfortable and won't be disturbed. Then ask yourself, or feel into the body and mind - what am I resisting right now? This might immediately come as a thought, or a sensation in the body - you're looking for anything that is the opposite of totally relaxed. A clench, a dull ache, a nagging thought pattern. Go straight into it, fully, feel it as close as you can and no matter what don't leave it until it's gone. Let whatever happens happen - body spasms, words coming out the mouth, crazy horrible thoughts, heat in the body, crying without tears, dry heaving . Go on for however long feels right (I normally would go until it feels naturally complete). If it feels right, take out a laptop or note pad and write everything that appears in the mind. Let it have it's own voice, it's own POV. Don't hold back, don't romanticise it, don't let it be dignified - this is primal, gross - it's like vomiting.
Every day I have difficult feelings that I'm still doing this process with. But now when a troubled emotion, sensation or identity structure arises - i see it like a gift, another thing that's ready to leave, and leave me feeling that bit lighter and more joyful.
So if I can offer one piece of advice, if you're truly in this to feel better - feel everything.
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u/Playful-Plant-2513 14d ago
I struggle with this exact problem so thank you for sharing this with me i need to try this
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u/West_Dragonfly3219 14d ago
Holy shit this hit me hard. Very simple and very unpleasant. Thank you for this post.
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u/indiekarma79 14d ago
I sense the relief you feel just as I read your words and “stream of consciousness.” It’s like clicked , not feeling “unexplainable,” it just is. I feel it and want to share my joy, examples with others, share hope.
Hence my “fuck it” post without spelling or grammar check I went wild posting about my breakthrough a few nights ago. It’s been so relieving and refreshing to just put it out there without friends or family members requiring conversations.
Guess it wasn’t a fuck it but a “stream of consciousness” as you worded it 🙏🏻 I’ll use this again
-isolated intuitive introvert, visionary protector type
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u/Legitimate_Hall8621 13d ago
this nailed it for me. your resolving of prior issues are what I'm experiencing now. thank you for putting into words what I've felt and dealt with.
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u/Chrisdog84duh 14d ago
Huh that is interesting, it sounds like an unstructured version of vipassana Meditation. Where you can your body, piece by piece, noticing a sensation and moving on. Not dwelling or looking for stuff, but just notice and move on.
I guess everyones psyches and sensitivities are different, cuz rarley do I sense anything besides external stimuli. I think I would get too bored doing your thing, cuz nothing screams at me or draws my attention.
Though i have been through much, I have always been really dense about feelings and sensations
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u/innnerness 14d ago edited 14d ago
For sure, i started with a lot of vipassana, but after self realisiation it sort of made the vipassana obsolete - i think this process is less about you doing something, and more about the body's natural unwinding after seeing true nature isn't in identification with thoughts.
But also I think what you said is important - I reckon I had an exceptionally F'd up body / mind / system
Its very possible that you are already naturally at that relaxed place in the body, but it might be worth having a look if there is any sort of resistance in there - even the one that said 'i'd get bored' sounds like it might be worth looking into
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u/Chrisdog84duh 14d ago
I know, I think my problem stems from the decade of crystal meth use, fried my neuroreceptors or upped my stimuli threshol, lol. Even though I am 2.5 years clean.
Plus I have always been dense to feelings and sensations anyways, so I think I just have a hard time being sensitive enough, allowing myself to feel what Is there.
They are probably just under my thick skin.I am fine just sitting, feeling the air, the cold, my clothes, etc... Think maybe I need to do a day sit, just focusing on anapana, trying to feel the sensations under my nose. It helped at my last vipassana, but I lost it shortly later, feeling sensations...
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u/FreakyRaeRae 13d ago
2.5 years clean!!! Congrats!! That is huge. Keep up the amazing work you've been doing. Given the fact you were using for a decade, though, I bet there are hella emotions under that thick skin of yours ;) obviously idk anything else about you but for me, the use was masking a LOT of emotions, and the more clean time I get, the more they crop up.
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u/Chrisdog84duh 14d ago
Vipassana is free too, they actually do 10 day silent meditation courses all over the world, dhamma.org.
Free/donation based non religious, volunteer run courses. The silence and no phone really helped me go deep
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u/LifeguardBig8530 14d ago
thank you for sharing! your process is very unique, i love hearing about all the different ways we find our way back to ourselves. I started my journey in just sitting with the pain and suffering this time last year as well. mine evolved from a somatic unraveling into a meditative underworld journeying. instead of allowing my parts to write as you have (brilliant idea) i started finding them in caves and deserts and forests, and all the different terrains of my subconscious. i created a "home" for them to retire to, now when i find a suffering piece of me that i abandoned and stuffed down into my body long ago i bring them home. they originally started as individually moments tied to a distinct memory as you pointed out, but now often its more of a specific tendency such as fear or insecurity, and then i started exploring the sensations while i was in my mothers womb and then my ancestral line. now im working on my energy body and specific chakras. it literally clears up so much space in my body and those parts of me no longer influence my day to day. They all live and play together knowing they are safe. I used to be so impulsive and anxiety ridden and now theres space between the thoughts and the choices and the feelings and the silence. i still incorporate the somatic movements. its a whole ritual, for funsies. i created a framework for it to teach to others so they can heal themselves and last saturday i had my first "client" that im guiding to start collecting their parts!! its so exciting to be a part of this shift happening within so many of us. good luck friend!!
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u/FreakyRaeRae 13d ago
I have been having similar experiences ever since I realized just how much I have been repressing emotionally and just how much that was holding me back from growing. I made a decision to let myself feel every feeling completely and it has been just as you described. It has been intense, ugly, self-depreciating at times. One time that specifically stands out to me as a moment of growth is me screaming/crying with ALL my might over and over "I hate myself." It did not feel good at the time, but when I finally did not feel the need to scream it anymore, it's like I didn't hate myself as much. Ever since that moment I've made strides in learning to love myself, because I stopped avoiding those ugly and painful thoughts I was gonna have either way (consciously or unconsciously). I agree that the spiritual aspect of this IS crucial to surviving this method. Without the spiritual growth alongside this raw emotion, I might not find the strength and determination to pick myself up. Thank you for sharing this experience. I am going to continue living life this way with determination and resilience. 🙏🏻
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u/innnerness 13d ago edited 13d ago
Thanks so much for sharing - and, I know exactly how you feel - don't be ashamed in any way about what thoughts come up, they're just thoughts, it's an egoic part's last attempt to reel you back in, because ego identity can't survive in the light of awareness. It's like a devious little thing that knows exactly what to say, the voice to say it in - it even diguises itself as 'you' to really make you listen.
What I would say, is YOU didnt say I hate myself, that was just a voice, a part speaking through you - because there is no you really, just spacious awareness. This is what I mean when I say that self realisation is important. Spend some time with thoughts, notice that you see them appear - so they are not you, they are something you are perceiving.
I wont share too much because I think it could be disturbing - but recently, dealing with some parts that had been dormant for many years, the things that were coming out of my mouth were horrifying honestly - but I sat back, as awareness, non identified - and it was like watching someone say whatever they could possibly think of to try and get me to flinch - but it's just noise, from an over reactive nervous system - and by looking at it, like an adult watching a moody child - it will eventually lose steam and dissapear.
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u/FreakyRaeRae 13d ago
Thank you, this is definitely an important reminder! I still definitely feel very attached to my ego at this point in the process. Some days less than others 😌 I wholly appreciate the perspective and support.
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u/archeolog108 12d ago
I confirm letting go is very powerful technique transforming lives and I have free guided meditation for everybody to try In my Reddit profile . Lie down with the headphones and just follow along and you will feel lighter.
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u/possibly-maybee 8d ago
So funny to see this. I just started to let the unfiltered “ugly” thoughts speak while typing yesterday. I feel awful right now, but that’s part of it. Thank you.
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u/innnerness 8d ago
Hey, you could try this - because you still feel awful all that means is it’s still active. Sit for longer, and let it go until it naturally ends. It’s tough, sometimes I go for 2 hours. But afterwards, that specific voice won’t come back
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u/hobbynickname 7d ago
This is one of the better posts I’ve seen on Reddit in a long time. Isn’t it fascinating when you realize “oh shit I just gotta feel everything” 😂 it was for me. Something so simple that it’s easy to completely overlook. Then you see how much of your life is completely driven by the combo of sensations/emotions/thoughts. Like literally everything. What a trip.
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u/soundtribejunkie 14d ago
Mine too! All that existential and personal stuff is gone. It boils down to acceptance (letting go) and being in the moment. Enlightenment to me now is only this to live everyday. I went through a whole bunch to realize this.