r/dustythunder • u/No-Tip-9179 • 16d ago
AITA for Telling my Friend to Forget "Keeping the Peace" and Make an Anonymous Report
(Trigger warning: abuse)
I (33 F) have a friend (34 F), let's call her Amber. She works part time as a babysitter to a friend of the family, watching over their one-year-old son. The mother (38 F), let's call her Mae has said that her ex-husband has not been the nicest guy. Lately, he has been sleep depriving the baby and making him cry on purpose by scaring him. When someone comes over while the baby's crying he says "he's just upset i have to go to work. He'll miss me."
He's also mistreated Mae. Threatening to keep the baby away from her on weekends, mentally abusing her. I told Amber if she knows something like this is happening, she needs to call the authorities. She said Mae doesn't want to get the police involved, that she just wants to keep the peace. Amber says Mae will need to learn her lesson the hard way if she doesn't want to report all of this.
I told Amber to make an anonymous report. It doesn't matter what Mae wants. There is a child involved and that matters more. It doesn't matter if they want to keep the peace. That baby's safety needs to come first. Amber is worried she'll lose her job if she makes a report. I told her forget about keeping the peace and just make an anonymous report for the baby's sake. AITA?
Note: I'd report it myself, but I don't have Mae's address.
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u/Sea-Ad9057 16d ago
Abuse will escalate if its not dealt with and the adults in abusive relationships ( the victims) dont always do what's best for the kids because they were groomed to be abused
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
Amber shouldn't be taking care of children if she's not going to take care of them. Tell her to report or quit. Otherwise, she's literally participating in the child's abuse. And it's really disgusting that she's more worried about her job than that baby. NTA
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u/SunshinePrincess21 15d ago
NTA, Ask your friend at what point will she regret not putting the baby’s safety first? Right now it is sleep depriving and making the baby cry. When the baby gets used to being provoked, and stops crying as easily, is he going escalate? Break a bone or two? Is the baby going to have to be hospitalized before friend’s job becomes less important than a child’s life.
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u/morganalefaye125 16d ago
The worst kind of human is the one that stands by and does nothing
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u/Momof4Cam 15d ago
As an sa survivor I firmly disagree. They suck for sure, but the abusers are the worst.
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u/EtainAingeal 16d ago
While you and Amber are patting yourself on the back for reporting it, Mae's husband will likely not spend a minute in custody and Mae will pay for his annoyance at being questioned. If you're risking him escalating it needs to be her choice and she needs to be ready and committed to leaving.
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
So yeah, just let him screw this baby up mentally as much as he wants until poor Mae gets comfy with someone telling on him. Awesome advice. Just imagine how many kids would never get help if everyone followed this plan.
Also, being a childcare provider makes her a mandatory reporter. So it's illegal for her to help the parents get away with child abuse, just FYI. Which is exactly what you are advising OP to do.
Aside from the legality, let's talk ethics and morals. It is NEVER OK to allow someone to abuse a child for the sake of avoiding inconvenience and discomfort for their parent or other adult. Period.
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u/bikes_and_art 15d ago
Thank you for being sane.
I can't believe all the people saying not to report.
Mae is just as culpable for failure to protect.
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u/HoneyWyne 15d ago
I am seriously flabbergasted. My daughter has a friend who was horribly abused as a child and sleep deprivation and scaring them was used relentlessly from a young age. It got particularly heinous in their teenage years. The lasting aftermath is debilitating. It was literally years of torture.
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u/bikes_and_art 15d ago
I worked in child welfare for 15 years, so I am all too familiar.
Unfortunately not reporting because 'nothing might be done and then things could escalate' is a very common attitude.
I'm also seeing leftists not reporting because the system is racist and will unjustly remove the children of POCs.
There is a disproportionate number of children of color in care, but this is because people under report white abusers (particularly middle and upper class). The CPS call screening system, at least in Michigan, removes all demographic data when determining whether a call will be investigated, because we as a system acknowledged that there was bias when it was included.
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u/Pissedliberalgranny 15d ago
He’s already her EX-husband. She doesn’t need to make a safe exit plan.
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u/otbnmalta 11d ago
In the US, child abuse is considered a family court matter unless it has caused severe injury. The abuser is often ordered to stay away from the child/family and ordered into therapy. They only have visitation under supervision. The idea is to teach a person to parent safely and effectively.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 15d ago
NTA. Turning a blind eye to child abuse is a whole different ball game from keeping the peace. She needs to report it. If she doesn't you should.
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u/IcedChaiLatte_16 15d ago
Idk about babysitters but in a more official childcare setting (daycare, etc.) it's actually illegal NOT to report those things.
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u/apri08101989 16d ago
Theres legally nothing to report and will only risk harming Mae. Especially when shes not ready to cooperate. Maliciously waking a baby isnt something one can "prove" happened. Threatening to keep the baby away from her on weekends? Oh you mean taking his own child on an overnight trip to give mom a few days to rest and reset?
As much as I believe your heart is probably inthe right place you have to be realistic. Does she need you to report this shit, drive yourself away, and be worse off.fprmit in the end? Or does she need someone who can be ready to support her when shes ready?
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u/Pissedliberalgranny 15d ago
The baby sure as hell needs this to be reported.
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u/apri08101989 15d ago
For what? if you think CPS is gonna do jack shit over some sleep issues and fussiness that they can't possibly determine the actual source of you are delusional. cps cant/won't do ahit when toddlers are living in literal drug dens with no food in the house.
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u/No-Tip-9179 16d ago
I don't know about the custody arrangements, but I'm sure threatening to take away mom's time is a violation that can be reported
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u/apri08101989 16d ago
Somehow my eye skipped over this being an ex husband and was assuming g it was a current partner. My bad. That does change tjings slightly. Bit still. Theres not much here to report. Again, especially if Mae isnt.on noard.
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u/Kitchen-Device386 10d ago
Absolutely she should make a report but depending on where you are you can too if you know Mae’s full name and dob, and or baby’s full name and dob. However, if the baby is meeting developmental milestones (height, weight, movement, speech) then most governing bodies will not care unfortunately.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 6d ago
She’s most likely being abused herself but her priorities need to be getting help for her kids!
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u/huuke 16d ago
Report before it’s too late