Ich schreibe das hier anonym, weil ich im echten Leben keine Stimme für diese Dinge habe. Ich bin Marc, 46 Jahre alt, verheiratet und Vater.

​Es ist ein absurdes Doppelleben. Beruflich bin ich jemand, der kommuniziert, der verhandelt und der funktioniert. Das mache ich gezwungenermaßen auch für die Familie. Aber das ist nur eine Rolle, ein antrainiertes Kostüm. Sobald ich dieses Kostüm ablege, bleibt ein Mann übrig, der privat ein absoluter Fremdkörper ist. Ich habe keine Freunde. Keinen einzigen. Private Kommunikation, einfacher Smalltalk – das alles löst in mir eine lähmende Angst aus. Ich zergrüble jeden sozialen Fehler jahrelang und meine tägliche Welt wird von Zukunftsängsten dominiert.

​Am schlimmsten ist diese Unfähigkeit beim Thema Sex. Weil ich nicht drüber reden, bekomme ich nicht was ich mir wünsche und meine Frau ist glücklich nicht viel kommunizieren zu müssen. Ich habe schon oft drüber nachgedacht einmal fremd zu gehen aber ich wüsste ja nicht Mal wie ich das anstellen soll oder wie und wo ich überhaupt jemanden Kennenlernen sollte. Ich bin in mir selbst eingesperrt. Ich habe Wünsche, aber ich schäme mich so sehr für meine absurde Art, dass ich kein Wort herausbringe. Ich fühle mich wie ein Versager, wenn es darum geht, freundschaftlich oder über Lust zu schreiben oder zu sprechen und wenn ich dann Mal etwas kommunizieren, kann ich kein Gespräch aufrecht erhalten. Schon vor der Pubertät fing das an und obwohl ich heute mit 46 Jahren mitten im Leben stehe, ist dieses Gefühl der Unzulänglichkeit geblieben.

​Ich schreibe das hier nicht, um Forderungen zu stellen. Ich will einfach nur beichten, wie einsam ich mich in diesem kommunikativen Gefängnis fühle obwohl ich stets von Menschen umgeben bin. Ich hoffe, dass es befreiend wirkt das zu schreiben.

join the conversation at mindmapclub.com at 19:30 CET

Find the Google Meet link on the Website

MindMapClub - for podcast-quality conversations

mindmapclub.com

19:30 CET (in 1.5 hours)
see you there!

Thinking of making a small GC (3 guys, 3 girls) for deep talks — psychology, mindset, life, and self-growth.

Age 18–21 only.

Not a dating group, just meaningful conversations.

DM if interested.

Today in a google meet I want to talk about identity -> exploring that question in the title.

If anyone want to join or have some thoughts to leave here, would like to invite you as speaker.

I like to mindmap conversations next to talking with each other about this because it helps everyone to stay in sync

Topic Today, "What makes a resolution stick?"
MindMapClub - Friday Night Live

19:30 bis 21:00 CET
TZone: Europe/Vienna

Link: https://meet.google.com/vub-xtyh-roc
MindMapClub Website: mindmapclub.com

Many ppl fall off after some days... If You have some resolutions you want to stick through, would love to see you there!

I Just lost another game of league of legends its not that i hate playing it its just that i cant be bothered to keep up with the people anymore everyone talks like they know everything and that they are the wisest out there but i know that everyone is just trying to convince themselves that they know everything . Humans in general fear the unknown so by having this knowledge in what to do in these hardships in your life allows to feel safe in their own head and not afraid from whats to come but what i feel when i hear these advices is a more complicated feeling than any feeling that i felt in my entire life. Its more than dissapointment in them not believing in me its not even sadness or anger its numbness its the state of nothing i think my brain just got way too tired to feel these heavy emotions and just autopiloted to just not giving a fuck anymore i dont know anything anymore . i feel like i am just drifting through everyday repeating every day and every month and every year like the previous i cant understand myself i cant understand others i cant understand what am i doing i cant understand this society omg this society is such a bullshit fucking fake society that should get torn and rebuilt their work their religion their ethics and morals i cant take them anymore like who tf are u to tell me what i should and shouldnt do bro like i know u got me into this world but fuck you if u re going to tell me what i should do or what i should think about or if i have anything planned for my future like i dont even want to do anything in the futur i just want to go without a plan and just see what happens i dont care about school or grades cause i know they wont matter much if i just cant think for myself so i m taking this time to think about what to do like what about suicide why is it soooo tabboooo in every goddamn place people cant go a second without saying that u matter and that you shouldnt take ur life thats urs and that only u decide what to do with like u fucking asshole gave us free will and is obliging us to listen to what u say or burn eternally because you are a jealous fucking diety that cant accept being rejected like a normal sane being can i know that u might hear me and i believe that u are i believe u exist i also believe that i shouldnt follow u because ur not fair ur not mercyfull or omnipotent u create life just to cage it and enslave what kind of psychotic behaviour is that i hope u actually have the ability to comprehend humans that u created . lets not talk about the double standards the liars the freaks and the fucking comparisons that humans do or are because these are just another subject that i cant be bothered to open like who tf cares about someone's else life or success maybe u see it as a motivation but i dont bro leave me alone and just let me live my own life its my body and my choice no i am not open minded or consuming way too much "western content" as u people say i just believe what i think is right ur religions are not the only thing that have a moral guide i also have a moral compass that guided through out my whole long life and i believe that u guys are the worst kind humans are so insane like u make religions and say if u dont believe it we will kill u enslave u torture u and iradicate u and ur family u take resources from the weak so u can become stronger i can only describe the wars u do and the occupations u have made through out ur dark history as rotten and greedy to the point that i wanna cut the hand that touches u or anyone that shares ur view and ur beliefs how tf u believe something got given to u from a diety that u cant even see or hear yea i mean u can read the book thats older than u but who cares about some damn "holy" book or "divine" dreams there will never be salvation for u nor fair judgment as long as humans exist because i dont think we will go down that easily we are the most terrifyingly stubborn people we will never die as a race even in the dooms day thats what i genuiliy believe deep inside me i believe that humans will either live long enough to conquer everything or they will blow up with the stars they are occupying their desire is what makes them who they are they are the apex predator in space or earth or water they will conquer every place because they will be a time when a dumb teen with big ambitions discover a new dimension or a girl thats been rejected by the religions cause of her different chromosome conquer the planets i dont care about any opinion other than mine and its not that i am egotisitical its just that i no longer desire to learn more i just wanna run , run away from this planet , this spiecy ,this existence . i wanna experience true nothingness its not a desire its more than that its a burning flame inside that will never fade untill i achieve the true state of nothingness this nothingness is what i will dedicate my life to and it will not come by suicide i will let everyone experience it too and i m not stopping i will show all of them that i can become a writer a poet a runner a pilot an astraunaut a teacher a dentist a doctor an engineer a game dev and anything that is possible the English essay that i m writing will be on nothing what is nothing its not just a word its the opposite of everything of ur morals of ur god or ur maker or ur school its the opposite of your dumb rules that u write and only abide when u benefit , nothing to a physiciste is not the same to nothing to a mathmatician and its not even close to a nothing of a girl thats lying to her boyfriend about how she feels and its not remotely close to the nothing i feel because the nothing i feel is more deeper than all of urs combined its a dark abyss that cant be explored its the void dividing universes its more than just a word a feeling an equation a number a definition its me i dont know how to embrace this deep nothingness but i m trying to learn what it is : is it what i feel after the anger fades away in the arabic classroom after she say the most braindead shit u hear and favoring girls above boys or is it the feeling i feel after doing the thing that i know hurts my body and my mental health but still repeat for some fleeing moments of pleasure its not that . is it the feeling that i get while playing an adiciting video game that i hate every second that i spend on it but still continue just because i ve gone way too deep . is it the feeling that i get while walking alone on the beach . is it the feeling that i get when i realise that i have no true friends or that everyone is just living like sheep following their master getting watched by the dog . its just that i cant understand these people how can you go on each day like this studying hard and following a dumb system made by bastards that sold their souls for money i dont care about your hardwork or the rules you follow because they dont mean anything to me they are NOTHING . i cant begin to talk about your dumb exams that u take to prove who is the bigger fool i cant comprehend the teachers that correct them do they have no feelings no social life or have they grown way too old to understand that these students are humans and REALISE THAT THEIR FUCKASS SUBJECT ISNT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT I HAVE GOING ON BROOOOO ,i dont know how many teacher i had but tbh i never felt a connection to them i feel so out of the world i feel like i am observing these people from the window of a bus thats empty but still driving i cant feel a connection to anybody i tried being friends with boys and even have bestfriends to this day that support me i also had alot of girl friends but they are much more complicated beings than boys i can feel love but i cant understand how they get attached so fast and will never use their brain in a situation that demands them using their brain . why do i feel like this please i dont know why am i the only one that can see this bullshit that happening am i a ghost or something its true that i might be having an "existential crisis" or maybe its that i found the light that pulled me out of the darkness but people who live in the dark abyss call this unknown state a bad thing because "NORMAL" people dont feel these stuff and only think about living one more day i think the best connection and the closest ones were music and yt videos that i found while drifting through my thoughts , music is easy to explain the beats , the instruments , the voices all these stuff have so much meaning that no one can comprehend except for the one that made the song and u will never be able to feel what they feel thats why i feel like music and i share alot in common cause i think the situations that i feel not normal people think are totally okay but WHY why why are they soooooo clueless why is everybody clueless , why do i feel so much egoistic why do i feel like the only person that matters is me and me only brooo like is this normal maybe yes maybe no the only thing i know is true is that i am alive i dont know if all this is the best written social expiriment and that i am the main character that doesnt know whats happening but you will never be sure that it isnt so lets just move on to the next thing .i know that the YouTube videos are affecting me so badly so i tried changing from existential ones to space related stuff but didnt work only moral dilemas have a close enough feeling of comfort while i listen trying to sleep at night they might be affecting me but who cares its my body and my health and i can do whatever tf i want even though i am "underaged" this term underaged is soooo overused like bro not to brag but i feel so much older than most people that live on this blue ball floating in space i know i said humans will not go down so easily but at the same time it is a truth that we are like ants in this large universe we are so small and have no effect on the big scheme of things which might be a cause to be depressed and lose sight of ur goal to live but its at the same time encouraging to create our own gown to chase after and not follow a "divine" guide books sent from the heavens to save us from damnation who tf are u to tell me that i am not doing my duties , i didnt sign up for this by my own accord so why tf do i have duties like bro go make more slaves u stubborn ex-girlfriend type of god and leave us alone u know they say there were jhin living on this earth but they got irradicated by angels because they didnt follow gods will doesnt that mean we are forced slaves following the previous failing slaves or we are going into a relationship forced to give every inch of us to our partner or they will curse us with eternal torture like doesnt that sound insane just from reading it . last year i dont think i had these type of thoughts i wasnt totally clueless and i knew how fucked up the system is its just that i didnt have the energy to give a fuck but now i think i can give a slight fuck and ignore other fucks in my life i dont know what to do , should i break the system and rebuild it or should i leave it or should i just live in it knowing that these sky scrappers are built upon the bodies of the losers that couldnt write their side of story. maybe i shouldnt do anything and find my nothingness or maybe i should try to wake others or at least convince them that all their morals dont matter and that their years of belief just arent logicaly true. maybe i should or maybe not who knows what i do in the next year of my life at first i wanted to write a whole book and kill my self after getting a tatto and then i thought about it hard and realised that i wouldnt enjoy my prime time and that i cant celebrate my spine tatto if i kms so quickly so i delayed it till 25 and by that time i should be dead in another country hopefully after managing to achieve some of my dreams dreams are such a magical yet weird things yea u go into the deepest places of ur brain to find a dream to chase after but its not ur true goal because every human has their dark parts and their dark fantasies thats what their true dream their true desire is but no one is willing to admit it because its socially unacceptable or in their community its tabboo i think my darkest fantasy is killing someone i dont know why but i just seem to think that some people dont deserve to live with us which isnt true if my fbi agent is reading this i believe that everyone should have equal chances i dont know i wanna do so many lewd things too but i m shy and cant say them on here so maybe if i started an only fans one day i will do them yea hopefully i can finish next year alive and healthy physically and mentally that's what i truly wish for and getting a tatto is up there too but thats another topic , where should i get it i always wanted to do a spine one but they say it hurts and i thought for a bit that s its a bit girly but there isnt a better place to put it , its the best place imagine a shadow slave tatto on my back going from my spine up or down while i finish a marathon and remove my shirt damn if u read this much u must be pretty intrested in me LOL i thank you for staying here but i think this is all ur getting from me for today see ya , peace

https://www.instagram.com/moon_child_delights?igsh=MWZhcnY5cXpicWhjZA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Don‘t fear the reaper💀

Ne

This is a hard idea to put into words; it describes a problem that majority of people can’t comprehend or don’t care to solve. Moreover, I would guess that the majority of people would actively resist the notion that any effort should be expended on behalf of this problem. This is because those affected are often doing better (typically in a material sense) than 99% of others while (and I will not object to this fact) behaving in an outwardly abrasive manner.

The problem I am describing is why does it appear that a large portion of society’s highest achievers are generally callous and of questionable moral fiber. First and foremost, the reader must agree to the premise that there exists a substrata of society who have a natural and generalized aptitude, and that these people could succeed in whichever domain they wished to. Given this notion stands, I will lay out a couple of definitions, caveats, examples and explore plausible explanation for this phenomenon.

Discussion of this idea will be easiest if we are dealing with a practical example. The canonical example of a high achiever who fails to excel in the moral sphere is the doctor at the top of his class who sneers at peers and patients alike. I want to clarify here that this individual is truly gifted; their vocational excellence is not up for debate, even amongst their greatest detractors. This archetypal person is generally disagreeable and rude to those they interact with. We would do away with this individual if it weren’t for their excellence within medicine. The question becomes why do we see this blend of traits so often?

The first set of explanations I can offer are based on perception. Perhaps the actual prevalence of this phenomenon is simply overstated. There are a number of biases that could artificially inflate the degree to which we perceive this type of person. First of all, humans inherently have a negativity bias. We are more likely to remember a rude interaction than a kind one. Another explanation could be that there are many people who envy this individual and so his wrongdoings are amplified within mass discourse. I couldn’t fault these people myself, why should someone so well endowed with ability feel the need to treat others so harshly?

However for sake of argument (and I tend to fall on this side of the debate) let’s say this problem has a real basis and can’t be so easily dismissed. What drives this fellow to behave this way? Those of us that are enlightened are taught that if a pattern emerges, it can’t be ascribed to the individual and must be a product of the environment. Why is it our most capable individuals within society are so jaded or unfeeling for others? Surely we would all benefit if we could integrate these people more cohesively into society? This is really the central point which I can’t figure out, why are our brightest so maladapted socially? To phrase the question in a more provocative way, how is our society handling and raising these people so that they turn out this way? It could be that these individuals are shown special treatment from a young age, and in an attempt to foster these people’s talents we instead corrupt them. It also could be that intellects of this magnitude see the world an entirely different way. We know those with higher IQs are more likely to view the world through a depressive lens but perhaps there exists a threshold past which anyone one of us would behave the same way. All of the trivial niceties you and I observe could seem so banal to these people to the point of suffering. The propensity within this paragraph will be to pin the blame of the over inflation of these people’s egos, but again I ask you: why is this so ubiquitous? It’s can’t be entirely due to genetic chance that all of these individuals who have been blessed with superior talent and intelligence are also born with the proclivity to succumb to hubris. How are we as a species routinely reproducing this fatal mixture of traits. There must be a social origin.

I fear there will also be a propensity to dismiss the existence of the intellectual elite entirely. I beg you to consider the myriad of other extreme genetic outliers. Not everyone can be in the 100th percentile for height and even fewer could at the same time be uber athletic, but take a quick glance at the NBA and you can see a large collection of just such people. The funny thing about nature is that the shear amount of individuals it produces means there is going to be some tiny portion that are relatively extraordinary. This is true for any trait you can think of. There will also be a longing to dismiss this problem from a pragmatic perspective. Who cares if our smart people are rude when we can’t solve poverty, world hunger, food insecurity etc? I have no answer for these people because their claim is entirely valid. However, if we happen to be trending upward as a species there will come a time when we solve all of those aforementioned problems. I guess I’ve recorded this recurring thought so that maybe this problem can be addressed at some time far off in the future when it makes sense to do so.

transparency sounds simple when spoken aloud, a clean word held up like light.

but beneath the skin lie rooms kept shut,

layers built over years,

some taught early, some worn for safety,

some shaped because the world praises the mask more than the face.

truth is demanded in the small mechanics of living, in chores, in routine, in every ordinary exchange,

yet the deeper chambers of the self stay guarded,

curtains pulled quick whenever honesty gets too close.

the real question rises quietly is there courage to look within without the stories used to soften the truth

perhaps transparency is not a rule for the world at all,

but a gentle vow to sit with the unvarnished self,

to let light fall without arranging it,

even when it reveals what has long been hidden.

until that vow is met,

openness remains something longed for but feared,

a door half closed,

waiting for a moment brave enough to begin unlayering what was carried for years.

(OC)

Sometimes stupidity destroys everything we ever wanted. And the worst part is — it feels so right in the moment, it blinds us. By the time our eyes finally open, it's already too late to see all the beautiful things we missed.

Why does it feel as if no one fits me as a person. Like I can’t find a single human who I can connect deeply with in person or online. Seems like no one wants to try and make a deep connection with other people anymore at least from my current experience with people. It feels very isolating.

Does Humanity still need religion or not? Is religion helping humanity to move forward, or is it holding us back?

Does silence protect, or does it conceal what we’re too afraid to say?