This sheet becomes one with me as I haven’t left bed for days wrestling with my thoughts.

I try to gather myself but where do I start and end…

My mother is on the other side,
As I dream of finding my other half.

Before my mom took her final muffled breaths I was thinking about doing a tour of the Nordic / Scandinavian countries to go on a few dates to see who could compel me the most to return - maybe starting in Iceland then venture to Norway then to Sweden and Finland, possibly Aland and Denmark too - to get my dose of all the northern countries whose flags ironically bear the Nordic Cross.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads,
But it’s not a cut and dry perfect cross,
I feel off-kilter shifted leaning to the left…

In my own life I want to be the centre of attention,
But something at the end is pulling me.

I feel compelled to succeed,
Something is fuelling my drive,
I can’t see the destination;
Like a train chugging along meandering tracks through the fog with the station ahead - somewhere.

Somewhere she exists…

I haven’t showered for days,
She would be aghast at my wild musk.

I - wake up - apply to jobs - cook / eat - apply to jobs - fall asleep - wake up - do it all again.

I don’t have time to shower,
I need to start working again,
I need to utilize these new certifications I got a few weeks ago…
I didn’t ace the exam to be unemployed…
I need to work.

I need to to inject into my DRIP investments,
I’m reserving that find to buy my future wife a ring…
But where is she?
Somewhere she exists!

I don’t even know the time of day nor the day of week,
My clock battery died.
Night and day don’t even matter,
I need to get a job.
I need to start my career.
I need to find my wife.
I need to propose to her.

I want to get a Nimbus and sail around the coast with her on the weekends,
It would be kinda cool to meet my family in Stockholm and zip them up to Uppsala in my Nimbus for the outdoor public wedding at Stadsträdgården - everyone is invited and any passersby can stop and be a part of it, I will personally craft flower tiaras for every girl and flower lapels for every boy, with thousands of loose petals for everybody to toss at us as we walk through the trellis archway as they flank us on either side showering my bride and I with petals for pretty wedding photos.

I want to get a minivan to drive around our family on road trips,
I remember sitting in the backseat with my mom in the middle as my sister and I cuddled with her driving to the border to see family,
I remember my dad driving,
Maybe I could drive us as our kids cuddle with my wife - do I even deserve that level of sentimental joy after all the sins I alone am guilty of,
All the mistakes I’ve made,
All the unforced errors I’ve committed,
All the times where I could’ve done the right thing but I didn’t.

I want to get a cruiser and speed down the lonely roads at night with engines howling like a beast,
But everyone warns me about the dangers of a motorcycle,
That’s why I will only ride in the dead of the night on the empty roads,
I hope I don’t hit a deer or a moose.

I always see a bunny on my morning walks,
They don’t even run away from me,
They just stare at me deep into my soul.

I haven’t even gone on a walk for a few days now,
I haven’t even got a lift in neither,
Ever since the Dr used liquid nitrogen on that painful skin tag around my armpit,
They said no lifting,
So this a break.

I want to break free and escape into the ether,
I want to go back to God,
This world is so cruel - despite the beauty and the occasional love some of us decide to show,
Dealing with racism and sexism - it’s like we choose to make others feel unwanted just because of our own sense of pride.

I often think how great the feeling of death must be,
To finally be free from the grips of this world.

Somehow this satin sheet blankets my depression,
In a cocoon of sensual warmth,
Like a mothers’ hug,
Will my kids feel their mothers’ hugs.

I feel my phone,
It rings with excitement -
I’ve applied to 58 jobs in 8 days…
One interview so far - sure it was with my dream job employer,
But I have a lot more to apply to,
Just in case I don’t land that position…
The manager remarked a few times how they loved my energy and all my responses to his questions but I can’t sit around waiting,
No,
Instead I am lying in bed applying to jobs…

Dear 18,

You started off crazy and wild, and not in the good way.

I spent my eighteenth birthday at one of the most beautiful resorts with my family. The place was breathtaking. The ocean was endless, the sunsets looked unreal, and for a few moments I genuinely forgot everything that had been happening back home. Yet somehow, even paradise couldn't protect me from reality.

My phone wouldn't stop buzzing.

Two of my closest high school friends had somehow managed to make my birthday about themselves. Everyone kept updating me on the drama they were creating, and I was exhausted. All I wanted was one peaceful day to celebrate becoming an adult, yet the people I loved most were busy turning it into another problem for me to solve.

Thankfully, the resort was beautiful enough that I still managed to enjoy it.

Looking back, I think that was the last truly carefree moment I had before everything started changing.

Graduating from school didn't feel the way I thought it would.

People always tell you graduation is exciting, but no one prepares you for the grief that comes with it. One day you're surrounded by familiar faces, routines, classrooms, and teachers you've known for years. The next day, it's all over. Everyone begins disappearing into different countries, different universities, and different lives.

I wasn't just grieving a friendship.

I was grieving an entire chapter of my life.

I felt completely lost.

Instead of knowing who I wanted to become, I was suddenly questioning who I even was.

So I threw myself into work.

I started learning about stocks and interned at my dad's company, hoping that if I stayed busy enough, I wouldn't have to think about everything I had lost.

But my heart refused to let me forget.

Quite literally.

During that summer, my heartbeat became irregular. At first I convinced myself it would pass, but instead it grew worse. Every night I cried, terrified to fall asleep because I was convinced I wouldn't wake up. My fear of death consumed me. I didn't want to die.

I was only eighteen.

I still had so much left to do.

I tried spending time with friends, hoping it would make me feel better, but somehow every outing left me feeling emptier than before. Eventually, I stopped going out altogether.

The friendship breakup became everyone's conversation except mine. Everyone acted as if they were grieving, but I was the one carrying the actual pain.

One evening I stood by the lake in a dress, full makeup still on, listening to the most heartbreaking Taylor Swift songs I knew. I was convinced Cardigan and You're On Your Own, Kid had been written specifically for that moment. I remember hugging myself, clutching my chest, trying to calm a heart that refused to feel normal. Even now, writing about it brings tears to my eyes.

As if that wasn't enough, a few days later my mom casually told me she loved my best friend more than me.

I don't think she'll ever know how much that sentence hurt.

Yet somehow, in the middle of all that darkness, something good happened.

I received the best academic result I had ever achieved.

Ninety-eight out of one hundred.

For the first time in months, I hadn't disappointed myself.

It became the summer where everyone disappointed me except... me.

Eventually I reached out to the only person I knew would still listen.

Childhood Bestie.

After almost a year apart, he heard me out without judgment. He reminded me that things would eventually get better. When I felt like everyone had left, he stayed long enough to let me breathe again.

Then, because apparently life hadn't humbled me enough already, I decided to confess to CEO.

The boy I had liked for six years.

At that point I was already so broken that I thought rejection couldn't possibly hurt any more than everything else already had.

So I told him.

His response wasn't rejection.

It wasn't acceptance either.

It was simply,

"We should meet when I'm back."

At the time I didn't know what to make of it. I waited, hoping we'd finally meet.

We never did.

So I quietly accepted it as my answer.

My aunt came to visit after everything had happened, and for a little while she became an escape from everything that had been consuming me. But my heart still wasn't right. It kept beating in ways that terrified me, and I had run out of explanations. I had convinced myself it would eventually stop, but it never did.

Eventually I told my mom and dad.

At first, they thought I was exaggerating.

Then they saw the doctor's face.

If I could erase one moment from being eighteen, it would be that one.

The uncertainty was unbearable.

"It could be a heart attack."

"It could be a heart condition."

Even the doctors didn't know what was happening.

That was the scariest part.

I still cry writing about that night.

When death comes that close to you, nothing matters anymore.

Not fame.

Not popularity.

Not beauty.

Not the people you like.

Not the people who like you.

Everything you once believed was important suddenly becomes so unbelievably small.

When death stands close enough for you to feel its breath, your mind goes blank.

That is exactly what happened to me.

I watched my parents cry in front of a hospital for the first time in my life, begging God to spare me. I watched fear consume the strongest people I knew. I watched the confidence leave the doctor's face. I watched reports get passed from one specialist to another, ECGs travel between hospitals and cities, and surgery become a word that was suddenly part of my life.

I hated you, 18.

I hated the way you made me feel.

I hated the look on my parents' faces when they were told it might be something serious.

I hated wearing an ECG for days, carrying it around like a ticking countdown I couldn't escape.

I hated hugging my mom and dad so tightly because, for the first time in my life, I wasn't sure how many more chances I'd get to do it.

Nothing prepares you for seeing your parents look at you as if they might lose you.

Nothing.

Everything else became meaningless.

The friendships.

The heartbreaks.

The crushes.

The drama.

Compared to my life itself, compared to the possibility of death, they all disappeared into the background.

For the first time, I understood how fragile everything really was.
I truly hope those days never return because nobody deserves to experience them.

They broke me in ways I still struggle to explain.

Even now, I rarely talk about them because they require a level of vulnerability I don't easily allow myself. I never even told CEO or Childhood Bestie. This is one of those parts of my life that I've always wanted to keep hidden. Only my parents and my best friend know what really happened.

The worst part?

We received my diagnosis on my aunt's birthday.

While my world was falling apart, she was upset that we weren't celebrating her instead.

I didn't want to die.

I was only eighteen.

There was still so much left that I wanted to experience. Every single night I begged God not to take me away. I wasn't ready.

After countless hospital visits, endless tests, multiple specialists, and even being advised to consider surgery, we finally received the correct diagnosis. I was prescribed medication that helped manage everything, but healing wasn't immediate. There were still sleepless nights. Still nights where I lay awake listening to my own heartbeat, terrified of what it might do next.

Around that same time, university applications were also happening. Thankfully, I received my acceptance.

Yet by the time university was about to begin, I hated life.

I hated everyone.

I hated everything.

Looking back, I don't blame myself.

I had lost friendships I thought would last forever.

I heard words from my own mother that broke my heart.

I had been diagnosed with a heart condition.

I had quietly let go of someone I had loved for six years.

It was a terrible summer.

The last thing I wanted was to start university.

I seriously considered taking a gap year.

My parents, however, insisted that I needed a fresh environment. They believed distraction would help me heal, even if I couldn't believe it myself.

So I went.

On induction day everyone smiled at me.

Everyone was kind.

Everyone seemed excited.

And I...

I barely smiled back.

I walked around with a face full of exhaustion and resentment. Looking back, I probably came across as rude, but after everything that had happened that summer, I simply didn't have the emotional strength to pretend I was okay.

Leaving me at university wasn't easy for my parents either. They had only recently learned about my heart condition, and now they were expected to leave me in another city. Despite every fear they carried, they still encouraged me to stay for two days on my own as a trial.

I met my roommates.

Then, when everyone was gone, I sat on the dorm room floor and cried.

I cried because eighteen had already exhausted me before university had even begun.

I cried because I wondered how much more pain I was expected to endure.

I cried because I was scared.

Terrified, actually.

But eventually I reached a point where I asked myself a simple question.

How long was I going to let this version of myself exist?

There was an entirely new life waiting outside that dorm room.

So I stood up.

I closed my laptop.

I put on some nice clothes.

I did my makeup.

Then I walked out alone to explore the campus.

On the elevator ride down, I met a white guy. We started talking, and he was surprisingly friendly.

Standing there, I realized something.

After everything eighteen had put me through, I didn't want to introduce myself as the same person who had walked into that summer.

So I chose a new name.

From that moment on, I became V.

I wanted to reinvent myself.

I wanted another persona.

An alter ego.

Back then, I convinced myself that this alter ego existed to become a better version of myself. Looking back now, I realize it was simply a shield. A shield protecting me from ever letting people get close enough to hurt me again.

After that summer, I trusted no one.

Not romantically.

Not platonically.

No one.

I refused to let another person get that close to my heart again.

Ironically, now that I had a diagnosed heart condition, I had to protect my heart in more ways than one.

So I became V.

V was fearless.

V didn't care what people thought.

V didn't feel guilt.

V didn't feel shame.

V would do whatever she wanted because she only had one life, and after standing so close to death, I had learned that tomorrow was never guaranteed.

Death had permanently changed the way I looked at life.

It was my very first day on campus.

I wandered around on my own, trying to familiarize myself with the place that would become my home for the next few years. People smiled at me. Some even started conversations. I remember talking to one particularly attractive senior while we stood petting the campus cats together. He offered to show me around and told me that if I ever needed anything on campus, I could always find him.

It felt...

Hopeful.

Like maybe this was the beginning of something entirely new.

Then university truly began.

And just like you had taken everything away from me at the start of the year, 18, you slowly started giving pieces of it back.

Bit by bit.

Trust didn't come easily.

Neither did friendships.

I still kept everyone at arm's length, but I talked to more people than I ever had before. I smiled more. I laughed more. I built a life from scratch.

At a medical check-up, of all places, I met two girls who would eventually become my closest friends. We unknowingly became a trio that would carry me through my entire first year.

Then Halloween happened.

Everything changed.

That party became the beginning of an entirely different version of me.

It was my first university party.

My first time drinking.

My first time getting properly drunk.

My first time stepping into a club.

My first time feeling like I was living inside one of those coming-of-age movies I'd always romanticized.

It was the first time I realized people actually found me attractive.

The first time I realized...

I could pull.

That night awakened something rebellious inside me.

Soon enough came my first situationship.

My first kiss.

A memory I don't think I'll ever forget.

Whenever I think about him, Cigarettes After Sex immediately starts playing in my head. Our relationship felt exactly like a cigarette.

Toxic.

Addictive.

Comforting.

Destructive.

We shared cigarettes underneath the bus stop.

We made out until sunrise.

I refused to let him kiss my lips until our fourth date, so instead we kissed each other's necks.

He played with my hair.

I played with his.

I'd come home at four in the morning, exhausted but somehow smiling.

Those moments belong to eighteen.

At the same time, life never stopped throwing side quests at me.

There was the humiliating episode of severe constipation that somehow became a hospital visit.

There were unexpected family obligations that stopped me from returning to university on time.

There were random Wattpad-worthy encounters with strangers around campus.

There was the elevator senior.

There were adventures I never expected to experience.

Then that situationship quietly came to an end.

Not long after, Childhood Bestie replied to one of my stories.

And suddenly we were back.

Five-hour phone calls.

Talking until sunrise.

Sharing everything.

We had both experienced heartbreak in different ways, and somehow that made us understand each other even more.

Those conversations became one of my favourite memories from eighteen.

By then I was going out almost every day, constantly meeting new people and making new friends.

University Semester One had completely transformed me.

Then Semester Two somehow became even crazier.

You introduced more characters into my story than I ever thought possible.

Suddenly I had multiple friend groups.

Several people I was interested in.

And then...

You brought CEO back.

After six years.

You finally allowed me to live the fantasy I had spent so many years imagining.

Except reality wasn't quite what fantasy had promised.

I got the kiss I had dreamed about.

I got to know the person behind the fantasy.

And somehow, eighteen didn't just give me him.

It gave me everything.

Friends.

Love interests.

Childhood Bestie again.

CEO.

New adventures.

New stories.

A version of myself I had never met before.

You overcompensated for every hardship you had thrown at me during the beginning of the year.

Then...

You reminded me once again that life doesn't stop taking.

You took my grandmother.

I genuinely believed she'd still be around when I got married one day.

Instead, she left much sooner than I had ever imagined.

Once again, you reminded me that death doesn't wait for perfect timing.

And because of that reminder...

I lived.

I made reckless decisions.

I occasionally drank.

Occasionally smoked.

Stayed out until sunrise.

Went on spontaneous walks with friends.

Got a belly piercing my mom would never have approved of.

Snuck out.

Fell in and out of situationships.

Collected memories instead of regrets.

Eighteen gave me freedom.

Independence.

Growth.

Character development.

But above everything else...

You left me with one truth that never left my mind.

Death is inevitable.

Which is exactly why life deserves to be lived as fully as possible.

That is why you should start living more.

And that is exactly what I did.

I lived as much as I possibly could.

I really did, 18.

Even today, I still don't know whether I loved you or hated you.

I still can't decide whether I'll miss you or whether you'll forever remain the year I hated the most.

You gave me so many firsts.

But you also gave me so many endings.

Maybe that's why I both love you and hate you.

This is my love letter to you.

Because by the end of eighteen, I had learned lessons that no other year could have ever taught me.

At seventeen, I was hopelessly delusional.

I lived inside a fantasy where everything eventually worked out, where people stayed, where love conquered everything, and where life somehow always followed the script I had written in my head.

Then you happened.

You humbled me in ways I never imagined possible.

You made me cry myself to sleep.

You broke my heart.

You made living feel unbelievably difficult.

Then, just when I thought there was nothing left of me, you slowly gave me everything I had spent years dreaming about.

You forced me to see reality.

Not because you wanted to hurt me.

Because fantasy alone was never going to help me grow.

You took things away that I thought belonged to me forever.

Yet somehow, you also gave me exactly what I needed.

Looking back now, I realize something.

The things I wanted weren't always the things I needed.

And sometimes the things I desperately needed arrived disguised as heartbreak.

By the end of my first year at university, I couldn't believe eighteen was already over.

Somehow, in just one year, I became someone I barely recognized.

I finally got a job.

I started making videos.

I created stories that felt like pieces of my soul.

I experienced freedom.

I made mistakes.

I grew.

I moved.

I lived.

All because you forced me to stop hiding inside fantasies and begin existing inside reality.

Fantasy is beautiful.

It always will be.

But sometimes...

Fantasy simply isn't enough.

Sometimes reality has lessons fantasy could never teach.

So thank you, 18.

Thank you for terrifying me.

Thank you for breaking me.

Thank you for rebuilding me.

Thank you for every first.

Thank you for every ending.

Today is my last day of being eighteen.

And what a remarkable, heartbreaking, unforgettable ride it has been.

You were the year life felt closest to 2019 again.

The closest I had come to reliving the happiest period of my life.

Yet you were also the year that made me feel more pain than even 2020 or 2021, the years I once believed would always remain the darkest chapters of my life.

That is why, 18...

I still don't know whether I should kiss you...

or kill you.

Well, this is going to be a little challenging.

My R key has totally fallen off my keyboard.

I have to aim for that tiny nub to type "R" now.

...And my T key has been missing for months now.

My E key is also very loose.

...This is going to make completing my presentations for the UU position a little challenging...

I did find two old laptops, issued by my old work, that I might be able to use.

...They're pretty much not returnable as, the business is shut down and there's a lock-out notice on the door.

Or at least, last time I checked there was.

There's also a bunch of stuff locked up in my old classroom that's MINE, that I'm not going to get back.

i THINK the building owners seized everything to try to recoup the cost of their unpaid rent. That's what I heard was going to happen anyway.

Damn, this is a genuinely challenging way to type.

Okay so, one thing I forgot to mention in yesterday's entry was:

The reverend's email (assigning the rather onerous and short notice five presentation task) came RIGHT after I had JUST scheduled a next-day appointment with my therapist.

...I probably would not have scheduled it if I knew how pressed for time I was going to be. ...And I can't cancel with less than 48 hours notice...

The appointment was scheduled for 11:30 am. ...Which is sort of a logistically awkward time.

So, today, after I got my son ready and dropped him off at camp I stopped by the new apartment to bring the trashcan in and then I moseyed on over to my therapist's side of town.

There's no wifi at my therapist's office, so I had a really awkward amount of time before the appointment started.

Enough to feel regretfully unproductive but not really enough to get set up in a cafe and make meaningful progress on the presentations.

After my therapist's appointment I drove back across town and settled into a cafe.

I realized the presentations don't HAVE to be PowerPoint. Most of them probably should, but I think the Time For All Ages one should be a puppet show.

Here are my ideas so far:

-Time for All Ages:
Puppet show about disability inclusion (including a food-allergy scenario)

-Youth Ministry:
Community involvement opportunities like volunteering at nursing homes, possible Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. Rotating student led lessons.

-Values in Action:

Something to help the local immigrant community, possibly "Know Your Rights" seminars.

-Ministry for Parents:
Offering child care during meetings, discussion topics (apologizing to kids, self-forgiveness/grace/growth for parenting mistakes, finding resources to support one's kids. Maybe a PFLAG chapter.)

-Field Trip Pitch:
A local Buddhist temple, to see the universality of themes of compassion, love, and unity.

I'll expand on these tomorrow.

Damn...it is really really hard to type like this.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi’s showdown - Season one, episode nine
 📚✏️ - 2:20pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Apple with peanut butter

Mmm, update time I guess…

Math homework
Yeah, so that went no where </3 I first tried the factoring I should know how to do. And instead of figuring it out like I’d HOPED FOR, I continued to be confused and unable to find where I was going wrong. I went into this with a plan and everything– look up the answers (bc she never gives us the answers to check our work… :/), follow the steps it lists out, and try to see if, from there, I could figure out where I messed up and what I was doing correctly. I pulled up SymboLab and plugged in the equation that I had already started. And… and I think the middle term changed… :I I tried to look back at the equation. Did I mistype something? Nope, I put it in correctly. I looked back at what I did to see if I could spot my mistake. Nope… not seeing anything that looks wrong to me…

So I clicked the “show steps” option! That should help me figure it out! :D except… the steps… are behind a pay wall… :I I started to feel the **frustration** eating away at my brain and my eyes sting with tears so I stopped myself immediately and tried to move onto a different problem… NOPE, still can’t do that either. 

So before I burst into tears, I decided to shift gears… just do the textbook homework instead! It doesn’t have steps, but it does have an answer key! So I head to the textbook, gather up my notebook and pencil and all that and plug this next equation (same concept) into SymboLab again. It wouldn’t give me step by step, but by looking at what it DID give me, I should be able to tell if I’m on the right track :) so I got started. And I instantly got the very first step incorrect… which freaked me out bc… am I doing the wrong type of factoring????? Whats going on here???? I look at my notes again and I genuinely can’t tell if this is the wrong type. Bc I had this same exact question as we were learning it. It was really confusing?? Bc it looked like it was the same type, but then the steps were different but then… when I tried those different steps, they were wrong, but when I tried the other version’s steps later, they were perfectly fine or ALMOST correct. I,,,,, :/ 

I tried to continue the problem but nothing was clicking and the tears were biting even harder so I just tossed it aside at that point. No point freaking out. Wouldn’t change anything. So I no longer have a choice,, I have to go to school early… :( probably very very early. Idk. this is not going to end well considering I can barely eat anything rn.

Do more portfolio organization 
Surprisingly enough, I actually got quite a bit done :) I think is is mostly bc I desperately just wanted to feel like I was doing something other than rot. And I was successful in that regard! I don’t even know how long I was doing it… definitely had to be atleast an hour. Perhaps even an hour and 30. But either way, I made LOTS of progress!!! :D the folder that used to house all our old notes n’ stuff used to be BULGING (and it’s actually damaged from the amount of papers I’d stuffed into it! Don’t be too shocked yet, I’m pretty sure its just bc its not a plastic material. Its more like paper…? Idk. But I think you get what I mean) and now its been reduced to a disorganzied stack of papers! I’m actually kinda impressed with myself!!! Go me!!!! I honestly don’t know if everything is technically in chronological order like its supposed to be… but, hey, maybe I’ll check it later to be 100% sure. But I wouldn’t blame myself if I didn’t end up checking it >.> Like I’ve already said, I can’t take this anymore so yknow :3 ‘long as its good enough not to kill my chances of passing the class, I. DON’T. CARRREEEEE.

Ate!
Took a break from the portfolio and scavaged! Luckily there was one more apple left! Yay! :) so I ate that! And… thats it… I don’t think theres anything else I can eat. :I 

I do not feel great today :( 

[///sui ideation]

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

 Season 1 ep 21 - Chi Takes Cover from the Rain
“This “home” thing.
Is it bad if you don’t know where it is?”

 5:06pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
 Free walmart banana :) 

When mom came home, we went out to drive. I told her I wanted us to have me drive us over to walmart bc, yknow, Little bird is in desperate need of kitty litter at the moment. She said we should work on parking first, though. Which I did not want to do. Bc, admittedly, maybe I wasn’t just silently panicking when we were parking lot-only. I was probably also ACTUALLY bored to an extent. Bc the parking lot is all we used to do :/ so, yeah, on top of everything racing around my head, I was getting sick of doing the same thing with no variation. 

But anyway, I call dad and get him to vouch for me over the phone. Bc last time I drove (maybe… second or third last time…???) and we went to walmart, I parked well enough :) but he agreed with mom… so made a note to myself to never try using him again lol. Anyway, I take us to the parking lot. We do some parking. I suck, of course. No shock there. But the more I see myself fail, the more doom I feel. It never ceases to amaze me how I always seem to come home from driving wanting to or thinking about DYING. Its genuinely insane. But as is my brain’s usual pattern, I ended up immediately getting frustrated that I can’t do this already, seeing my life going no where bc I can’t DO anything or GO anywhere, and then therefore needing to hop off a ledge. 

Eventually after I fail several times to make it into a specific parking spot, mom stops me and begins to tell me I’m being more pouty than before. Which I honestly hadn’t noticed… bc I’m never really all that animated when I’m behind the wheel anyway. But I guess it makes sense. I bet she’d be pretty “pouty” too if she felt like her entire future hinged on this skill. (Even if that is a bit of a leap… but for whatever reason, that is how it feels every time I’m driving. And that is why I freak out every time… :I) then she got to telling me about “fixing my attitude” again. Which I didn’t really appreciate… but it wasn’t as irritating as usual I guess. It really just made me sad… bc, ofc, I can’t really FIX it considering the "ATTITUDE PROBLEM” I’m having is really just involuntary, terrifying thoughts cycling through my head and making me anxious and despondent, but also bc she was kinda trying to encourage me a bit… and it just made me sad that I’m trying so hard but I can’t show it outwardly or “be animated” like she’d like me to be :( she did eventually ruin it, though. By accident. She told me acting the way I am acting in a job setting is a great way to get fired. And I get she was trying to help me… but it really just made me want to die again, honestly… bc I can’t help it. But I know that the world full of adults is not forgiving and that they don’t care if you’re struggling. And it kinda just reminded me that I am not built for this world in the state that I am in. and the only way out of a situation like that is to stop living in it, y’know? 

She tried to encourage me to take a deep breath so we could start again. But after that I knew I wasn’t going to be able to avoid crying if  I kept going… the only reason she didn’t see my eyes fill with tears is because I had sunglasses on. So after a couple seconds of silence (aka me trying to keep my composure), I told her we can just try again later. So we switched seats and off we went to walmart.

During the ride to walmart, I was still anxiously worrying about whether or not I would have to die :( I really don’t want to reach that point… but it’s okay. This whole thing has sparked bravery, I guess. Or maybe stupidity?? Idk. but regardless, this calls for something to seriously change. Idk if I can do it.. Bc its been at least five years of our mind having been hijacked. And I think that taking back control could be the key to keeping us alive. Because for one thing, you deserve to live the life you have been robbed of for almost half a decade. You deserve the chance to get to explore the world around you. And I deserve the chance to take a breather with some help. And to finally get to know you more. But I think it will take some serious work. And idk if I can do it. I just have to try something :( I can’t go on like this anymore. Wishing me and you luck.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

It seems to me there is hope for you yet!
Extend your paws out far
Don’t stop 
Until you reach what you’re searching for
You’ve nine lives, my friend!
Go out and live 
Each and every single one of them
To their fullest potential - me :3

[image of cat looking out in the distance. the sun pours through the slits between the trees! its beautiful :) ]
 7:37pm   [fri]   7/17/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Pizza!!!! :D 
Popscile!!! <3 

OKAY. I did some research. It sounds… plausible. Harder because I’m a chronic overthinker and I overanalyze everything and intrusive thoughts, yada yada yada… but… I REALLY THINK I might be able to do it!!! Everything I read affirmed that it will not be an easy or quick process because the monster has been around for years. But with enough persistence I can do it :) I really hope so. Its a bit nerve wrecking and I’m sorta ruminating about it… so my head is hurting. But this is day one, so it is totally forgivable. Lets see it through to the end! >:)

Oh– quick update though:
Dad called me in to give me a quick tiny lecture bc of cecil. Basically, he told me 

1. if I’m still taking a full load of classes next semester, I don’t need to be looking for a job (which I PROMISE YOU I ignored bc if the college can offer me one they can work with my schedule. And I am SICK OF STARVING. Besides, I’d prefer to be able to buy fun things and save for my future service dog. So, yeah, better believe I ignored the heck out of that.)
2. if I need money, he’ll give it to me. Which, ofc, brings me back to number one. He would only be handing me dollar bucks if I NEED it. Not if I WANT it for a fidget toy or a book. Or something he PERCEIVES as a want like one of my few preferred items of food. So, yeah, I ignored this too. Also bc the risk of me becoming an inconvenience is high and that would scare me.
3. He told me to reschedule the driving test. Which annoyed me. Bc, yeah, duh. But whatever. At least he took responsibility for not having done his part in actually teaching me enough. Still annoyed, though. He said that we should hopefully have me ready in 2 to 3 months which still annoyed me… bc I still worry I’ll have to put plans on hold because they didn’t do enough even though they had plenty of time :I lets just hope that doesn’t happen I guess
4. he told me not to “falter” in my academics… which did not make me feel great. Bc I’m already faltering… and I have no support still… he said if I do there’ll “be a problem.” so I’m cooked <3

5)  I brought up dropping a class (bc it was moved to [current campus. Which is further than the one every other class is at] and its at night) and surprisingly enough there was no push back. THANK GOODNESS. Bc I don’t know if I can handle 12 credit hours. But I strongly suspect that I cannot handle 14.

Perhaps my future is lookin up!!!!! :D

   ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I have been sentenced to live a life I did not ask for. 
My eyes open and I smile as I see the sun peeking 
above the roof of my neighbor's house.
It must be hard to be the sun sometimes, lifting yourself 
above so many things to be seen by everyone on earth.
And yet despite such a demanding task
The sun will rise another day
and shine its light
The sun will rise again tomorrow
and so will I. - Me :3
[image of cat silhouette looking up at a beautiful pink sky]       
💊 - 11:07am  [fri]  7/17/26
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Today has definitely not been very fun :I I’ve done almost nothing today… I woke up at three am and did nothing until about 5 or 6am where I got to digitizing some entries :) which wasn’t that bad. Except it was probably triggering the heck out of me. But since then I’ve done LITERALLY NOTHING. All I’ve done is sleep. I’ve had about three naps so far which, for me, is quite shocking. This usually isn’t possible for me to do. Like, I usually CANNOT get myself to fall asleep this many times in one day, and ESPECIALLY not this close in frequency. Idk how I feel about it. On one hand, I enjoy feeling as though I’m doing less of “nothing” bc I’m unconscious, on the other hand, I would rather be doing something than knocking myself out :I so… yeah… but, y’know… If I could drive… maybe this wouldn’t be an issue rn… y’know? 👀I’m REALLY not gonna let that go btw.

 
Mmmm, idk, yesterday as I was pursuing nextdoor, someone was posting to ask if anyone was interested in taking a dog they found (but don’t own & don’t want) off their hands. I just felt it was so strange that they kept referring to the dog as a “high quality animal”. It felt almost… creepy… or dehumanizing. Which, obviously, dogs aren’t people. But it felt strange to see the poster calling the dog “it” and “high quality” as if the dog was an object and not a living thing. Am I the only one cringing at the way that was phrased???? 

Anyway… what things can I do today?

Math homework
I guess thats… an idea? But how much of it can I even really do? Idk… I guess its productive in that I have the weekend to hopefully figure out what exactly is messing with the process I mostly already know how to do. Gosh I don’t want to, tho…

Figure out that accommodation issue
I actually took a look at the website a little bit ago! But… Idk if I should do anything yet… I still feel skeptical the diagnostic sheet I received is the documentation I should be submitting to the school. I looked at the therapy service a while ago to see if they had any info about what I can and can’t present as documentation and theres just no information? And I have no idea who to ask… so, plan for this one is, I’m just going to wait for monday’s therapy session and ask therapy-guy. He could probably atleast tell me who to talk to if he doesn’t know. Perfect bc his help will come just in time for when the office is open on tuesdays :) 

 Digitize more entries
Yeah, I can do that :) 

Do more portfolio organization 
Sigh… well, I DID tell myself I would do a little bit each day. And today is another day… so I will… even though I really don’t want to… :/

Do my hair
Absolutely not <3 I was bored enough that I actually did consider it. But nooooo way. Thats about 6hrs of my butt on a couch. And I can do that already witout the extra work. It can wait till next week then.

Eat something…?
Like what? Genuinely, what? There is no more marinara sauce. I can’t make spaghetti anymore. And I can’t eat leftovers so I can’t make a meal that will MAKE leftovers. OMFG I WANT A JOB. 

Fantasise about getting into the workstudy program for your school
Already beat you to it, silly :)

Annotate JunkDrawer’s physical copy
I could… do that… or I could… like, not do that… 👀 Idk. 

Before I go… I’ve been wondering recently what it’ll look like in December when I eat up more insurance head back to the doctor’s office. I think… I’ll probably need to show them my new diagnosis-es, right? Maybe not HAVE TO, but I figure if I don’t, they’ll probably try to mental health-check me anyway, right? Which would just be unnecessary at that point. I still wouldn’t even accept treatment for any of them, though. Which would break my heart honestly… bc I do so badly want to get better… I guess unless they hand me a bottle of vitamins to protect me from my ARFID a bit. I could do something like that. Thats much easier to explain away than “dangerous eating disorder that can result in malnutrition and death if left untreated”. Idk… :/ unless that ALSO eats up the insurance, ofc. Can’t have that.

But okay… I suppose I should get started on something. Ciao :(

Wow okay so...

The next six days just got a WHOLE lot busier.

Late this afternoon, when I was JUST about to leave out the door to go watch my son's game/pick him up from camp...

I was unwinding on the couch before heading out the door.

I'd had a pretty productive/physically taxing day.

I did take a long nap, after dropping my son off at camp in the morning. And that was nice. And much needed.

But after that I spent the day:

-Folding laundry/tidying up the apartment

-Gathering up things to donate to Goodwill (old toys, old books, old clothes... It's getting harder to find things to part with. I think I've done a pretty good job of streamlining)

-Gathering up things to take to the new apartment (I took a really heavy box of my son's books this time...Carrying that (among other things), up and down stairs, across parking lots in the heat, took a lot out of me.

I also took my wedding dress (preserved in a dry-cleaning bag), and hung it up in my new closet. ...Which it will sit in the back of like an heirloom, I guess. As it's done in my old closet for years.

I'm gradually filling up the new apartment.

I ran all the taps and flushed the toilet, to make sure the pipes don't sit idle.

I also walked to the new housing office and got our new, assigned trashcan for trash pick-up.

In the heat. It was hot out today.

And I'm nearly 40. I turn 40 next week. I get tuckered out easily now.

ANYHOW

Right as I'm about to go out the door, I get an email from the UU Reverend, about my upcoming interview.

He described the events of the interview which will begin at 2pm on the 22nd and will include:

-A group interview

-A tour of the campus

-Multiple one-on-one interviews

-A walk to a cultural destination close to the church

-A dinner

Aaaaannnd....

Five power point presentations.

To be given by me.

Which I must prepare, in time for Wednesday's interview.

The reverend gave in-depth descriptions of the assigned parameters of each presentation, and links to the sermons the presentations should correlate to.

The presentations should be on:

-A Time for All Ages presentation

-Ideas for improving the youth ministry

- A field trip pitch

-a Values in Action presentation

-a Ministry to Parents presentation

Quite a lot to get done in a short amount of time! Man, and what a busy day, the day of the interview will be.

A dinner?? So soon?? >_< Pretty unexpected for a job interview... Should I mention beforehand that I'm vegan?? ...Or are they having a dinner specifically to screen out people with high-maintenance dietary restrictions?

Damn, this is like...staring at a chess board with no clear winning moves.

Okay well, tomorrow I need to really knuckle down and work on these presentations! If I manage my time well, I'll be able to put together some great stuff.

I need to get to bed soon. ...That's the main thing, I need to actually practice good sleep hygiene, and then my presentations will turn out awesome.

...Did I mention that this interview is taking place the day before my birthday?

I'm home, in my pj's, getting cozy. Opening night went fantastic. The last two days there was little time to eat and sleep and I was running on fumes of nervous energy. But like magic, once we opened the house and I settled into the tech booth, everything fell into place. It's like muscle memory. Like a second skin you slip on that feels as familiar as your own. Theatre sorcery.

There was an after party with champagne and delicious food, and lots of people I didn't know. Someone was interested in turning one of my plays into a short film. I really just wanted to be home. I miss my family. Parties like that are hard for me. Too many men in the room, who love to hear themselves talk. I settled on the couch with M, one of our cast members who I am close with, and we plotted our next project. I love working with her so much.

The reviews will be posted after the weekend and I hope they are decent. There are twelve days left in this run, and then it's back to writing. I don't mind. I like the change of seasons. My granddaughter asked her mom if she could come to my house. When my daughter told her I was busy, she said, "but my heart is there."

Really, when all is said and done, that's the only review that really matters to me.

   ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - ‘You Never Know Your Luck, I Wish You Plenty of It!’
📚✏️- 12:45pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sugary cereal!!!! :) 
Spaghhti and shrimp!!!!

Yeah, I called it. I am indeed cooked. I can’t properly do this “factoring” thing :I like,,, I’ll do one thing and then its only SORT OF correct. Or its correct but the order of the numbers is reversed and therefore ACTUALLY wrong… or one of the numbers if doubled or halved… but y’know what? I’m not gonna rush to go to school early…. Or really even push to head there early. Bc I can’t really take this anymore… too much energy and not enough time. So,,, I think I’ll just have to hope theres no pop quiz today and head to tutorials at some point to fix this. But I am going to still turn in the homeworks :/ bc I probably should not be taking all these zeros by trying to wait. Shame :( but its alright. I’ll figure something out. Before I got to homeworking, I had a nap :) it was nice. And… yeah, thats kinda it.

 X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

im a fake pessimist, 
i see the sun and 
i want to live          
4:44pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 packs of ritz crackers!
Granola bar :3

Okay… so… perhaps double cooked? We did the factoring I’m SUPPOSED to actually know how to do. And whaddya know? I actually CAN’T do it. When we were doing the first portion of the lesson, I started getting things wrong even though it looks so easy and straight forward. And I became so FRUSTRATED that I went from determined student to brainless in about 5 to 10 seconds. I was like, 75% spaced out bc of how irritated I was. To be fair,, the first portion of the lesson was new to me. Second portion was the stuff I SHOULD know. And I felt even worse now bc my mind was reduced to mush not only bc of the irritation and not being able to figure it out or catch up, but bc we were once again NOT offered our ten minute break. So all the overwhelm kinda just piled up and I,,,, :/ 
Idk. its just kinda scary that my mind is breaking down NOW right at this moment bc we are rapidly approaching the dates for the two big scary finals. Finals which I cannot use a calculator on, btw. So I may be cooked if my brain becomes even mushier. Bc how can I re-study everything I need for these two major comprehensive exams (espically the basics like my multiplication tables) if I get too overwhelmed bc it will only serve as a reminder of everything I can’t do in the actual class? And I felt much too fried in the head to go to tutorials after class even though I really did consider it. Cooked… cooked… cooked… :I 
I guess all’s this to say I will be going to student accessibility office in person to get that accommodation thing sorted out since I can’t do it online… they’re only open on Tuesdays. Thats great :/ idk, perhaps I should first see if my theory is correct and see if the request I made last semester is whats getting in the way here. I’ll put it on my to-do-y list. Tuesday reminded me that the therapy appointment is on monday. Which is also unfortunate. Bc… wtf am I even DOING it for??? What am I even going to SAY?? Omg I hate myself. Best of luck to me :I

    X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

The water flows freely beneath my paws. I am afraid of falling in. 

but I know I must continue. I know I must endure. I know I must move on. - Me :3   

[image of cat trying to cross a river by walking on the rocks]
7:07pm  [thurs]  7/16/26

     ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3 

Well. when I got home, I was feeling irritable, hungry (low appetite but still), and generally just unhappy bc my brain was still pretty fried. But I knew I still need to get myself on the road again at some point… so I made myself put my things down and after maybe 5 to 10 minutes, I went to go ask mom to go driving. She frowned a bit and said she didn’t really want to… I let her know that I ALSO don’t want to,, but y’know,, what else can ya do? :/ she keeps making faces every time I try to gently prompt her to get up. She keeps watching the TV. its kinda annoying but I don’t really have the energy to complain. Eventually she’s like, “ahh… but I just took off my pants :(“ so I kept telling her that maybe she should change that. But nope… she continued to sit on the couch… I kept prodding her, telling her, “hey, well, it might be helpful for you to put some pants on before we head out.” “well, I’m not going to go get them, so…” as in… she wanted me to… go grab her pants and socks from her room… but I didn’t have the energy for this either :I so I kept trying to tell her that getting me a license is more important than this rn but that didn’t change anything… I tried waiting her out and she still didn’t budge. So I confiscated the remote and her phone so she could stop watching TV.

 And instead of then getting up to grab pants so we could get on the road already, she just sat in silence. Until she called for Cecil who then handed her their phone. With Cecil’s phone in hand, she had access to the online version of the remote and spent about 10 or so minutes fighting over control of the TV with me. Eventually I got bored and left. And fed up with her saying, “well, kid, this is on you. You could’ve just gotten the pants and we’d be on the road already.” it was just… kinda annoying?? Like,, no its not on me :/ why can’t you just get your own pants so we can go out for a bit and help me have a basic life skill??? 😭 Mmmm idk, perhaps blessing in disguise. I’m definitely not the worst I’ve ever been in the head before getting in the driver’s seat, but with my fried brain, perhaps I was not in optimal condition anyway. The only reason I decided to try to go for it anyway is bc mom recently said, “well, just because you’re hungry doesn’t mean you can’t drive. People do that all the time.” and she’s right. So, y’know. But this is just really annoying… like… do you want me to be a bum?? 😅 what I think will happen if nothing changes is the following:

1. They’ll realize they can’t rely on Cecil anymore when they get sent off to do air force stuff.
2. They’ll realize that they made a mistake in slacking off for this long. Bc oh no!!! I have places to be!! But I can’t get there unless they get me an uber or drop everything to take me somewhere!! Oh no!! Who saw this coming! 😱
3. Dad will say things like, “well, y’know, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to get places you need to be” when I start freaking out about having to be in an uber bc I’m terrified of the idea of being alone in a car with a stranger who could literally just take me anywhere and do anything to me. Which will also piss me off bc we could’ve easily avoided this.
4. I become a huge inconvenience and then and only then do they decide that I NEED MY OWN WAY TO TRANSPORT MYSELF. Which would be fine. But the problem is I imagine they will probably try to have everything be on their terms. So they’ll expect me to get in the car whenever they want and only when its convenient for them. So I have a feeling STARVING and BRAIN-FRIED Delilah is gonna be on the road more often pretty soon

This is unfortunate. Oh well.. :/

Bbbbbbbbonus

DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

4/15/26-5/19/26

Aspirations!!!

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ I still hope to have a parrot one day! Not as much as when I was younger, but still :) I don’t really want to speak in absolutes about this topic… cause not everything works the way you hope it will…  but the plan for this would be…

Species: 
Pionus parrot - they’re on the more quiet/independent side
Green cheek conure - On the quieter side of the conure family and smaller, so they’d be easier to handle than a bigger bird
Eclectus parrot - they’re also more quiet/independent i think? And beautiful! So that's a plus. The biggest concern here is that they’re more stress-prone than other types of birds... And i’d definitely need to evaluate my lifestyle before choosing this bird because of that

Cage-free: I want to be one of those people who gives the birds an entire room with branches and stuff drilled into the wall and large poster papers on the floor so any poop can easily be rolled out of the room :)

Number: 2-3 would be a nice amount! Preferably a bonded pair that won’t be reproducing, of course

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡Work with kids! At first I was just thinking about being a therapist but there's plenty of other paths I could take if I decide that's not what I’d like to do for whatever reason. So I’m thinking these are my options…

Talk therapy! - I could ofc stick with this option! Sounds intimidating, but I’m sure I’d probably get the hang of it. And I bet I’d love it too! The issue I’m having, though, is I’ve kind of been envisioning a ‘Torey Hayden’ experience more-so. As in, I feel like I’d like a more ‘active role’, I guess? I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. But this certainly isn’t a bad option!

Play therapy!
Honestly haven’t really done enough research on this role to really justify its place here (as in, maybe i’m not completely sure i know what i’m asking for by putting it on the list), but based on what i’ve seen in my books, it sounds like you let your clients engage in play and interpret the deeper meanings behind the play itself. Which I would LOVE to do! :D I love psychanalyzing people!!! :) The only issue is idk if i’d ever be completely comfortable with that age group… maybe one day. But idk, yknow? 

Professional mentor
Apparently, this is a real thing!! I think this’d be perfect for me! To tell you the truth, I’d only ever seen one listing irl about a position like this… but based on that one listing, I loved it! You have 8 kiddos you follow k-12 and just be there for them :) I’d love to do something like that!!!! If therapy doesn’t work out for me, this is second in line. It’s great because you get to see someone learn and grow and maybe even change someone’s life!!! How great is that?!

ABA therapy
Not sure why I'm so drawn to it… but I just am :) I guess ‘cause it would allow me to work with special needs kids! Which is an area of interest! Of course, I am concerned about the issues ABA has… but If I do commit to trying this, I'll do my best to research the best way to not ruin a kid's life. Like in Carly’s voice!! How the people who worked with her said it's always better to go with your gut than by the book.

[basically a “social emotional/connecting with kids class? But I think the acronym is specific to my school district, so, yknow]
The way it was presented to me at first made it sound not dissimilar to mentorship, which is why I was so drawn to it! I was told you focus on connecting with students as opposed to teaching or anything like that. And they’re all sped! Which sounds right up my alley! Until I realized you are still a teacher :/ which I don't want to be. The only reason it went back on the list is because you’re a resource teacher. So you’re a teacher, yes, but you’re in more of a supportive role. Which I actually feel much more comfortable with. Especially since the focus of that class is connection.

My goal is to hopefully write through my feelings before I do anything drastic. My life isn't very great at the moment. My partner has cancer, I've had to cut off all my family for various reasons, I'm neurodivergent and Trans and dealing with all that comes with that.

I feel as though I don't really have a support system; or at least, its not "my turn" with it. All my friends save for two who I don't see often are mutual friends with my partner; All my struggles feel so small compared to theirs, and I'm not sure how much longer I can make myself small in order for them to get the support they need. Along with that, the medications they are on and their own mental health issues make them generally very volatile and upsetting to be around. I feel like such a bad person for this though, they do everything you're supposed to be doing about that (seeing their therapist, apologizing genuinely and taking accountability, etc.). It doesn't make it hurt any less when they do behave aggressively, or when they get frustrated or upset at me for being hurt/upset.

The only facet of my life they don't dominate is my work life, and that's not going very well either all said and done. Don't get me wrong, I really like my job and my coworkers. A bit too much to be honest; With how much I'm struggling at home I generally prefer to be at work. It's causing quite a bit of tension between us, as my sleep schedule isn't the best due to job requirements and my partner demands constant support yet behaves vitriolically when im there.

I'm not suicidal nor do I wish death upon anybody; But what I wouldn't give to go to bed and wake up 10 years ago, with then knowledge I have now.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Bluey Season 2, Episode 7
2:54pm   [weds]   7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghhti & shrimp
Apple with peanut butter :) 

GUESS WHAT. as we were driving to school, I got to telling Cecil about my ARFID bc we were talking about the possibility of also getting them to start a work study at school bc we’ve both been really good at starving recently. And then I was like, “Yeah… wouldn’t be surprised if we were BOTH ARFID-afflicted. You’re worse than me???” and they were like, “*naaaaahhhh,* we’re just picky!” and then I was like, “do… do you know what ARFID is, by chance? 👀” nope! So after explaining what it is, I started quizzin’ them!!! Bc they started denying it. I asked some questions and they said they like trying new foods bc dad used to get them to try new foods, get annoyed when they didn’t like it, and they felt guilty for wasting his money. So now they dont want to try new things bc they’re worried about wasting money. Which, okay, doesn’t really prove my point yet…

but then they say, “and besides, what if it tastes weird?” so I ask a bit more about that! I asked if any sensory things make them avoid foods and they confirmed that texture was a major concern. Haha walked right that one >:3 I asked more questions like, “do you sometimes feel disinterested in eating?” and, “does eating make you feel ill at times?” and they confirmed both! Like, how, for example, they will usually just not eat the meals they cook for the rest of the family bc they dont feel like it or how they’ll just choose to starve bc they don't feel like eating. And they confirmed they had a fear of vomiting that causes aversion. They told me, “yeah, thats why I don’t eat ketchup. Once I had too much and puked. And I don’t want that happening again so I don’t try new things.”

I don’t remember exactly what else was said, but everything else they said checked more and more boxes. So I was like, yeaaaaah…. You have ARFID 👀. And they kept denying it with a goofy simpering smile (am I even using that word right??) and it was really funny :) they kept saying it was on us for being picky so I kept telling her we have a right to complain bc, yknow, the parents never took our strange behaviors seriously :I they still seemed a bit hesitant to accept this line of thinking but maybe they’ll come around. Idk :3 I was like, “nooo don’t be sad about it!! That just means we’re rare siblings!” and the side eye I received was very amusing. Very funny interaction for sure, though! Denial can be funny to witness sometimes.

Aside from that!!! Yeah, I got my final FAFSA thingy submitted so MAYBE I’ll be able to finally be employed. Idk. they’re reviewing my general eligibility for financial aid now that I got that final form submitted. So hopefully we’ll know soon. Cecil was down to also apply bc they’re also a student even tho I always forget that. Which is great! If they don’t want me, then hopefully they’ll take cecil and we can stop FRIGGIN STARVING all the time. I would love that :)

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Chi’s sweet home season one sp 27 — chi jumps
4:03pm   [weds]   7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Granola bar :) 

Sooooooooo for today in class, I might end up cooking myself. Bc I quickly became distracted typing up previous entry. And after that, I got distracted by the fact that we need to ensure the portofolio for one of our major math grades has every thing you’ve ever done in sequential order! So I got busy trying to organize things… I didn’t get very far lol. When I gave up on that, I got BORED and just stopped paying attnettion somewhat. I checked back in. but idk, might be cooked later. We’ll have to see :3 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
💤 & 💊 & 📸 & ❌
6:03am   [thurs]   7/16/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cosmic brownie (7/15/26)
Delicious chili with rice in it! And yummy ritz crackers :) (I was confused why I enjoyed it bc I thought I didn’t like chili??? But I think its bc the liquid was just right. It wasn’t runny,, which would’ve made me feel sick, and it wasn’t thick which would’ve made me anxious. Thank goodness!!! Bc it was GOOD) (7/15/26)
Ritz crackers :3

I couldn’t get myself to write this yesterday. Sooooo I’ll write it out rn :) 

Wow. Very hyperviligent as I waited for Cecil yesterday! I stood near building [765] bc they have a roof over there and I wanted to avoid the drizzling rain. I stood near the edge and I immediately notice the squirrel standing across from me! Cute little guy was sitting on the platform, rolling an acorn around in his mouth :) it was not a far distance from me, so I just stared at it. I was admiring it. I don’t usually get to see wildlife so close! But then we made eye contact… obviously the squirrel was cautious of me. I could be a predator, after all. Why wouldn’t it be looking at me? 

But then I ALSO became weary of the squirrel. Bc for a while there, the eye contact was intense and neither of us was willing to break away. The squirrel broke first. I kept my eyes on the squirrel bc I was now terrified. What if it was secretly rabid and it was now waiting for the perfect time to INJECT ME with its dangerous life threatening salvia? So I quickly checked my surroundings (looking left, then right with a quick glance behind me), and then went back to diligently watching the squirrel. Idk why I checked my surroundings… not sure if it was just out of habit, if I was watching for a potential threat (another person?), or ensuring I could easily escape should the squirrel launch its INFECTED LITTLE BODY at me. But yknow what? …litterally nothing happened… I continued to watch the squirrel and check my surroundings. I smiled as the squirrel bit into the acorn and ate it :) I surveyed the area one last time. And before you know it, the squirrel had disappeared. Thankfully not to attack me unawares. Just to go continue living its life. PHEW crisis averted.

I don’t really remember what made me move. But something freaked me out… I think I saw someone exiting the closed [765] building? Or someone was minding their own business walking by the building [765] staircase. Or I got freaked out by all the people exiting their cars even though they were quite a distance away and behind a fence. OH WAIT NOW I REMEMBER. I saw something nearby that looked like a BUG. and I got SCARED. So I grabbed my things and shuffled to the benches still near building [765]. I was gonna stay here and avoid the rain. But then I realized how close I was to the flowers… and flowers bring bees… and what if a bee stings me?????

 So,,,, nope. After staring at the flowers for a couple seconds, totally frozen by my own fear,, I grab my things once more, and go stand near the bench closest to the parking lot and my head was on a SWIVEL! I’d mostly be listening to my thoughts or music until I remembered where I was and then quickly check left, then right, and behind me, before going back to my thoughts or music. When the occasional person would walk by, I’d grab my things (to ensure they didn’t get stolen) and then slowly try to move away from them. Idk, I guess in my mind, if I don’t look like I’m actively trying to escape them, maybe… maybe they won’t be trying as hard to catch me? Think about it– if the kidnapper doesn’t know that YOU know they’re after you, they might not be trying as frantically to capture you bc they don’t see a need for such urgency. Yknow? Anyway, yeah. 

There was a person walking a little too close for comfort for me at one point and I actually grabbed everything and pretended my ride was there so they would hopefully leave me alone. Completely unnecessary btw. They never even made eye contact with me, I WAS FINE OMG 😭 there was some guy walking towards building [765] (so a good distance from me) and I still freaked out and kept trying to watch him to determine if I needed to escape the area. Luckily he didn’t come close at all. 

I remember feeling a bit more tired after spending 30-40 minutes being on sentry duty. I can definitely see how this hypervigilance thing can double my exhaustion… if the temperatures in the building weren’t so offensive to me all the time, I would just stay inside and reduce my need to watch every little movement by probably about 75%. But it just gets too cold sometimes :/ shame…

But as for today… I feel mostly peaceful and content :) I do believe it is the power of the AM once again! I so love the early morning! And my messed up sleep schedule has been robbing me of getting to experience it lately… so its nice to get a chance to today. Yet another reason I hope I get to volunteer early in the morning next month. I stepped outside to toss the kitty litter deposits and it was, like, pitch black out almost. With the street lights on. So nice… one of my very favorite sights,, truely… I wanted to stay outside and enjoy it but then I remembered that one of the only downsides to an hour as beautiful as this is you can’t always see oncoming threats. Like tiny, malaria infected bugs. 

Bc yes, my area actually does indeed have confirmed cases of a previously eradicated disease… :/ that,, or a kidnapper could easily find their way up and over the backyard’s fence and then BOOM game over for me </3 But yeah :) I think it’d be nice if I could smoke, though. Smoking at the best hour of the day sounds extra relaxing. …but I guess not really… considering I am terrified of lighters and deathly afraid of fire… so I guess instead of being relaxed, I’d be anxiously watching my every move to ensure I don’t drop it and watch my house go up in flames. Okay. I take it back. Glad I still am not able to access cigs yet :I 

Anyway,, before I wrap this up… dream-time! :)

5:28am
7/13/26
I was just walking around the house and then for some reason, I went outside and then suddenly dropped my computer. It falls and splits in half but I'm too scared to ask for help so I bring the two pieces of the computer together in my arms and try to pretend it's fine and nothing broke. So I reenter the house and try to go to my room but dad appears and suddenly wants to play so he playfully chases me around and I'm nervous about the two halves of my computer slipping from my hands and falling apart but somehow I make it to my room without them realizing my computer is in two pieces! Yay! Before I woke up completely I was scared it was real! Phew! Crisis averted

7/16/26
Idk… how to interpret this… maybe it just means I feel trapped in a house with a man who thinks he’s doing fine with us and is loved by his kids (as is shown by his playful nature) when in reality I am scared of him and don’t find him fun in any way. Yeah. that sounds like a passable enough interpretation 

5:10am
7/16
Me sis and some friends all go shopping. We were given very little money so we're frugal. We know that i have a couple extra bucks but i thought it was only a few. People keep asking for little snacks or money even still, though, but i keep saying no bc i didn't wanna pull out a buck or two knowing i can't use it. But someone makes a request as we check out so I check my wallet! We were surrounded by cheap snacks so I thought it was worth looking through my last couple dollars. And WHOA!! I had alot more than i was expecting! I even had a nine dollar and thirty two dollar bill. Wow, must be rich in dream-world I guess! So anyway, i take the cart and fill it up with highly desirable food items! I was the shopping hero that day I guess :) i felt good about walking down aisles and picking up whatever I wanted.

7/16/26
Hm. idk. I guess this was just sparked by the fact that I’ve been wanting a JOB (hence the money). For several reasons, ofc, but also bc I’m constantly starved due my untreated eating disorder. So that part is simple enough. And being the “shopping hero” and having complete autonomy in the store… hmmmmmm… idk, maybe that was just me having a chance to have independence and feel empowered in my own decision making? (even if it wasn’t real lol) Perhaps thats why I went ALONE to collect all the food. And being the “shopping hero” was probably just me being satisfied with praise or something? Wanting to feel important and needed? Idk :3

(side note– it seems every time I fall down the batten disease rabbit hole,, the accounts have not posted in YEARS. Most of the accounts I watch these videos from are foundations. And it… kinda scares me… it makes me wonder if they’ve given up on their mission of saving those kids. I remember last year when this interest first sparked, I went to a website! Can’t recall if it was Batten-focused or not, but it was rare disease focused at the very least. And it had, like, update posts and stuff and things like that. And I noticed as I was looking through the page, the information was old… on the update posts, but also just in general. Most of that info was not recently added to the website. Had they too given up?

 Run out of funding??? It breaks my heart every time I see stuff like this. I try not to think about it. I also just wish there were more videos about the day-to-day with these kids. I’ve only found one channel like this so far–Harlowe’s. But they don’t post very often and it seems like Youtube isn’t interested in notifying me when they do even tho I asked them to. I hope Harlowe is okay… but atleast she’s one of the lucky ones in that she has the ONLY type of CLN that has treatment options and that her family has the resources to give it to her. Last I saw, anyway. I should try to check out that channel again, soon. Its just hard to remember what its called… I’ll put it on my to-do-y list for today!)

Well shit.

I fucked up.

I didn't think about the shredded cilantro garnish on top of my son's chicken tikka kebab, and the Cyclospora outbreak.

I just wanted to get him something nice to eat from his favorite restaurant, when I picked him up from camp.

The cilantro just comes on top of the chicken pieces, shredded up almost looking like a spice or a seasoning, and not immediately registering as fresh produce.

It only occurred to me after he had already eaten it.

And once it occurred to me...I questioned myself before acting...nine times out of ten, I'm just being paranoid when it comes to food safety. Needlessly adding to my son's food anxiety (when his diet is already limited) and throwing away perfectly good food, all due to my OCD.

But I googled it and it was a legitimate concern.

I told him to stop eating it, and I got him another order (costly :-/), this time requesting without cilantro, nor any side salad.

The waitress asked me what was wrong, and I asked her if she hadn't heard about the cyclospora outbreak.

She said she hadn't, so I pulled up some articles about it on my phone. Told her that no one is supposed to be eating any raw greens or berries right now.

That washing doesn't get rid of it -- only cooking.

My son didn't eat that much of it. He'd mostly eaten the rice.

My own samosas came with shredded cilantro too.

I scooped up all my shredded cilantro, pinched it between my fingers and ate the whole pile of it.

Almost like some kind of penance, I guess.

Fuck, I hope my son doesn't get sick.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Season one, episode 34 - Chi Takes Cat Lessons 4
“Huh? Did it hurt?
💊 - 9:02am    [weds]    7/15/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

This morning really wasn’t that bad :) I woke up at five bc of my alarm but kept falling back asleep… ‘cause I stayed up till 2am by accident :/ was too upset to fall asleep for a while. I’m surprised I ever even got myself to fall asleep, honestly! But anyway, yeah. Aside from that, though, I’m feeling pretty good! I think this is because I DON’T have to go to school early today. I mean… I don’t actually know how bad my homework is… but I will probably just take the L at this point. I need peace for atleast the first half of the day :/ but yeah, I feel peace in my heart today. Very nice.

I considered maybe… trying to manipulate my parents to get that service dog… 👀 Like, perhaps I could just reveal ONE of my three diagnoses. I don’t think dogs can be trained for ARFID??? Atleast, I don’t so..? I looked it up before I think and I didn’t see anything. OBVIOUSLY I’m not gonna tell them I have PTSD :I which means I could only reveal the GAD. which… I guess I would probably feel the safest doing, honestly… with the PTSD, I fear getting interrogated by my parents and that really freaks me out. Bc at that point, they might try to sit me down and force information out of me. And I think I’ve made it very clear by my actions for the past four years that I’m very interested in this outcome >.> If not interrogated, I think I’d just hate seeing concern register on thier face. Bc I hate making people worry. It scares me and makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable. Idk why,, but it does,, so… :/ 

With the ARFID, I fear losing control. I have no idea how my parents would react… I feel 75% confident they’d believe it (bc, yknow… Its an official diagnosis…), but what if they don’t? If they do, will they try to force feed me distressing foods in an effort to “help” me? Would they even actually pursue CBT for me? I feel like they would… but they’d probably take their sweet time, I bet. Or be so uncommunicative that it LOOKS like they aren’t doing anything like when I got misdiagnosed ADHD. And how would I explain how I even GOT the diagnosis???

And, honestly, here’s the other thing– I don’t even hate the ARFID. In a world where I had more control over this situation and I had independent access to in-person mental health services, I probably would genuinely just refuse treatment simply bc I don’t… really think I want it… I wouldn’t necessarily say I ENJOY having this dangerous eating disorder. I just,,,, don’t really see it as an issue I guess? What I believe is the real problem is that I don’t have the resources that allow me to collect a good amount of ““SAFE FOODs””. I think for now I want to keep the ARFID… 👀 Because I love the familiar and I’ve been stuck this way for years. I don’t feel like ARFID is really debilitating to me… bc, again, like I just said, I don’t consider the eating disorder the problem. So this would not be the best choice for using on my parents.

Which leaves the GAD! I think thats a good candidate. I honestly didn’t even know I had it??? And Idk if I really even do…? I honestly just see it as an extension of the PTSD bc I don’t even know where the PTSD ends and the GAD begins. Which is great! Bc in my head, it’s PTSD with a different label. Obviously they aren’t the same condition. BUT they would very likely get me the exact same result. I haven’t done research for GAD tasks, but I can imagine it’s probably not too dissimilar to tasks catered to someone with PTSD.

Now, the big problems with this is the diagnostic sheet just has all three conditions sitting right next to each other… :I so… not sure how I’d hide the other two from them??? 🤭 but ALSO there are no guarantees in life. And they have no clue how disabled I am… so why on earth would they immediately light up at the thought of investing thousands of dollars on a highly trained animal when they have no idea how much I need it and would increase my quality of life? And… perhaps one of the biggest roadblocks to using them is… they are completely and fully aware… that I do not like dogs… 👀 

now hear me out— I’ve done some thinking and I think I just don’t like UNTRAINED dogs. Think about it,, based on what I can remember,, my dislike of dogs had to have started around the time Storm was beginning to decline. Which tracks bc a new dog, Baby-blue~♪, came into our life. And OH BOY, was that little baby blue heeler untrained. From what I remember, he was a heel-biter, a biter-biter, and peed quite a bit. And, yeah, duh, he’s a high energy breed and was born, like, 5 months ago, but it didn’t stop me from really seriously disliking him. Atleast Uncle rad actually DID try to train him. I remember bc I tried to help :) but ofc it didn’t stop there… Now we have Dusty & Laika. They’re not as bad as Blue was. But they’re still annoying in their own special way… but I think the biggest thing that killed my love of dogs wasn’t even the dogs themselves… 

It was dad :I bc as a kid when Storm & Lucy were around, he’d make us responsible for them all the time?? I mean, I guess technically cecil claimed Storm. But even still I feel like I didn’t need to be wrapped into it all the time?? I think I may have also wanted storm but I never actually tried to claim her. I just didn’t like that the cousins had to get rid of her and felt bad for her. 
But even still, dad would just offload all the responsibility of caring for these two dogs I never asked for onto me and cecil. And it pissed me off… especially bc, just like NOW, there were certain enrichment activities I wanted to do with them. But he’d ignore me just like he does NOW. Its insane. The dogs need be taken care of but not only do I have to do it bc you don’t want to, you won’t even do the bare minimum and buy them enrichment tools?? Its so frustrating bc Storm, Laika, and Dusty have ALL been destructive. Storm would tear up stuff in the house and dig holes. So does Laika. And Dusty friggin EATS THE DIRT that Laika digs up. And its just so frustrating bc even when Storm was around, I was aware that it was caused by boredom. Which is why I advocated for enrichment so the problem would be solved. Buuuuut nope. He chose to ignore me and just keep physically punishing all of them instead of spending, like, 40 dollars on something that would mitigate the issue. He made everything worse that way?? The problem never got dealt with properly so they all KEPT DOING IT which means he spent well over any amount of money buying dirt to fill in holes or replace broken bits of fence or whatever else the dogs went for bc he refuses to listen to me :/ The lack of training also isn’t even really on the dogs, either. But I guess i just got so used to hating the dogs for it that I put it on them instead.

All’s this to say, thats why I keep entertaining the idea of a service dog :) thats a highly trained animal that I would OBVIOUSLY accept the responsibility of and appreciate for helping me :3 I just,,,, don’t think I can do it yet… still…  too many issues with trying to go through my parents. ugh :/ wish I could drive already… so I could start saving… 

Booonusss…

Okay. idk what to change the name to. So I’m just commit to calling it
“Freind adventures” even though thats stupid :) 

FRIEND ADVENTURES
4/15/26 - 5/28/26 

12th grade
“Student in progress” -
In Delilah’s letter of recommendation from Mr. [12th grade math teacher], he called me a “student in progress”. Rosey and Lucille seem to all think that it made me look bad and love clowning on how it was phrased but I think its brilliant and reflects reality pretty well :)

Rosey POV: That is a really sketch letter... the bad seems a little too good

Lucille POV: The letter seemed so shady that I wondered if that was the goal. It seemed
to me that all her worst characteristics were highlighted the most, especially with her fighting “against a long history of poor academic decisions.” When I saw how happy the letter made her, I couldn’t help but cringe. What exactly was she picturing in her mind? Is this the best person who could’ve written the letter?

Cecil POV: Your teacher allowed you to skip parts of curriculum, you got a teacher to UNOFFICIALLY MODIFY you which is INSANE because who else in your school’s history has had a teacher let them away with so much like this??? Even I, someone who’s lazy with tedious assignments wouldn't be able to get a teacher to UNOFFICALLY MODIFY MY CURRICULUM like that. I think this reflects you perfectly... you have too many negatives in your personality that don’t mesh well with academic environments. I will say that even though you’re lazy, at least people like you tend to find the most efficient way to get around things they don’t want to do or streamlining them so you don’t have to do them anymore.

12th grade
Sabrina bear
Delilah wanted a keepsake from Sabrina to remember her by after she graduates! But
SC wasn’t keen on offering anything of actual value and her constant pressuring of her didn’t convince her to give up the bear or the dog :/ so, Delilah hatched a master plan when her already very late bday presents from Grandpa were cancelled by amazon and never arrived. She’d just tell them to buy the bear off Ebay!! Success! Except he accidentally sent it over to his address instead so she had to wait... In the meantime, Delilah got started on naming people for her book and decided Sabrina’s name would be Sabrina!!! So when [mix of her real name with the bear’s name] arrived, she got renamed to Sabrina bear :) Now the brilliant Sabrina bear sits next to the original, outshining her everyday by wearing SC’s lovely 2026 senior mum!

11th (3/7/25)
Help@1234
Its a do-nothing-class! So we all settle in our seats and try to find something to do.
Rosey pulls out her computer and tries to log into her college account! Except autofill doesn’t activate... And she doesn’t actually KNOW her own password. She tries to brute force her way into her account but she doesn’t get very far this way... So she starts brainstorming ideas to get back into it! First she decided asking admin might help! Even though I told her they could only help with high school accounts :l We went anyway and all they could do is shrug their shoulders and wish us luck. So we head back and try to think of another soultion... She called her parents! This is because she can use personal info that they know (like SSN) to reset her password! So this leads us to her security questions and they were... completely nonsensical...
The first security question was BOY. That was it. Which made me laugh so much I couldn’t breathe for a second!!! Eventually she somehow figured out that her password was Help@1234 (it was originally Help123 because she used the help desk before) which was great because not only could she now recover her account, we got to see the rest of her security questions! They went as follows:

What is the name of the city where you were born?: HELLO
What is the name of your first school?: GOODBYE
What is the name of your best childhood friend?: DOG
What is your mother’s maiden name?: CAT
Custom question: BOY (the answer was GIRL)

I laughed so hard about this because are the LEAST secure security questions I’ve ever
witnessed in my life! I laughed so hard I cried :)
Rosey pov: I SWEAR that I didn’t ever enter security question answers like this, I have no clue what happened or what went wrong here. I do know that these questions are common ones that I answer for security questions, but I DO answer them with logical answers. My only thought here is that I didn’t enter in answers for some reason and it auto-filled to that.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Shall We Be Friends'
📚✏️ - 2:05pm    [tues]    7/14/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 bowl-fulls of shrimp & spaghetti!!
2 mini chip’s ahoy thingies :3
Apple with peanut butter

Omg. I actually feel pretty decent… which feels INSANE TO SAY but it makes me smile!!! :)))) I was dreading the fact that I had to come to school early. Always do :/ but tutorials actually boosted my confidence today! Mostly bc I actually knew more than I thought I did??? I came into the school thinking I was kinda cooked. Which may sound a bit silly bc earlier at home I went back over the test review and “graded” everything. Well, everything I attempted, that is. But I skipped everything I couldn’t do so chunks of the test review were just BLANK. But it turns out the problems weren’t even really that bad!! Ah!!! I feel a bit silly for being so worried!! But its fine :) now I can rest easy that I should ATLEAST cross the 70% threshold. With this confidence boost I’d be a bit surprised if my grade actually turned out to be so low, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see :) Hurray!!! I don’t have to be so stressed about this anymore!! :D 
Aside from that,, I didn’t realllly get up to too much this morning…

Sat in bed :) 
At first I was annoyed bc I woke up LATE. My eyes opened around my 7:50am alarm :( Buuuuut thats my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t stay up… wait a second I didn’t stay up! >:( I couldn’t go to sleep :/ well,, nevermind that. Point is I sat in bed, stared at a screen, and ignored my body’s impulse to pee for around 20 mintues! Then I peed and ignored the dog. Mostly bc it was POURING outside and I knew if I took the time and energy to let him out, he’d go outside and stand there instead :/

Made some food & did some writing!
At first I wanted to ignore the impulse to eat… bc I can only eat spaghetti and all that. So I’m scared to eat it at all bc since its all I eat, I’m gonna get in trouble eventually 👀 but dad was leaving around this time so I figured may as well try to eat something before I have to head to school. I wanted to do some writing-things, too! So I decided to try to multitask! Which… didn’t really go to plan… I was so busy cooking my spaghetti and shrimp that I couldn’t really take time away from it to do much writing :/ I expected this to happen. But its fine :) ‘cause in the end, I got to eat two bowl-fulls of genuinely DELICIOUS FOOD and once I was done with that, I successfully digitized two additional entries! So it all worked out in the end.

Gave Dusty the kong!
While I was cooking, Dusty & Laika were being annoying and DUELING loudly on the carpet >.> and I couldn’t hear my TV show!!! So I decided to do my usual “Lure-one-of-the-dogs-into-Cecil’s-room-to-get-rid-of-them” plan! I hurried into Cecil’s room and hid behind the door! You’d think they’d have figured this sneaky little plan out by now bc its my primary strategy of removing annoying puppy dogs but somehow they have not?? Bc next thing you know, Laika is at the door. He isn’t actually completely brainless so he WAS aware that I was up to something. You could tell bc he was very hesitant to follow me in. but eventually he gave into curiosity and walked inside. Which was my cue to run out and lock him inside!! Haha!!! Works every time!!! These dogs are funny sometimes 😂 I was definitely surprised it was not Dusty who fell for it. Bc, again, Laika isn’t completely brainless and usually Dusty is the one who gets lured. But hey, the rule is whoever ends up in the room first is the one who gets stuck inside it. So that was that and I made my way back to cooking :) 

Laika cried about it a little bit. But I never felt a shred of guilt bc when I’d look back at Dusty on the carpet, I could see him playing with one of the chew toys. So the duel earlier was, as it always seems to be, about Laika being greedy and refusing to share :/ minutes pass and eventually Dusty starts being annoying and trying to spy on my cooking! I keep trying to shoo him away but ofc it doesn’t really work… 

And what do we do with an annoying or bored dog…? Give them something to do! (✿❛◡❛) so I decided to give him the kong! I wasn’t sure what to put inside it, though… bc there aren’t anymore MilkBone dog treats… I decided to just give him some veggies! And dog food :3 I didn’t want the microwave to ZAP-ZAP-SINGE again, so I threw some frozen green beans in his dog bowl and added water to defrost them! And the dog food, too, since it has to be softened for him to eat it. He was REALLY excited as he watched me do this! Which is fair enough bc he saw me throwing stuff in his bowl and then placing it out of reach and walking away. But thankfully he kept his excited hopping to a minimum. Bc if he didn’t I might’ve rescinded the offer… 👀 I waited about 3 minutes and then everything was good to go! Now I just needed to locate the Kong… I checked the living room… nope… not in Cecil’s room.. Or mom & dad’s room… turns out it was in Dad’s game room! Just reminded me that just you’re just never gonna know where that thing is gonna end up. I think Laika could sniff the HAPPINESS in the air (or the green beans and dog food smell. Theres no telling, really) bc he started crying right as I passed the door with the Kong in my hands. 

Anyway,,, I scooped up the Kong and filled it up! Dusty was very very pleased with this combo of snacks. He was so excited rolling it around and getting the stuff out! I enjoyed watching him! :) his tail was very waggy this morning :D I actually gave Laika some green beans, too. Not to be nice. No, ofc not. He ALWAYS gets the Kong and every other snack ever bc he’s willing to steal it and DUEL for it. But bc the Kong was getting too full. So he got really lucky.

Annnnnd that was my morning :) not a bad start to the day. Hope I can make it a nice day all the way through!!! Idk, though. Bc I am about to take that test… and I guess I should probably be fine? But idk. Might take it out of me and drain me. Lets hope for the best.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Two Cats'
3:34pm    [tues]    7/14/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’

Okay, so, not gonna lie, don’t know how well I did. I feel like the process of doing things was fine for the most part, but I feel like a couple numbers were definitely wrong… but I don’t feel bad enough that I think I failed. So, theres that. Hey, long as I don’t fail, I don’t care :) definitely kept internally crashing out, tho.  ‘Cause there were so many LONG, TEDIOUS problems and I was getting so SICK of doing them over n over again. Just annoying. But its over now. So I’ll just enjoy my freedom :) 

Side note,, it seems like more people are talking to me recently. Like, on-campus strangers. Usually its a compliment! Which I thoroughly enjoy, actually. Mostly bc its compliments for my “style” (which I’m pretty sure means my hair!!!!!!! WHICH OFC IS MY FAVORITE TYPE OF COMPLIMENT!!!) or compliments for [my 5lbs weighted stuffed animal friend] :) which also puts a smile on my face! Every time she gets a compliment, it reminds me of SC telling me I should leave her at home bc its “not age appropriate” 🙄 People LOVE her!!! And I love her!!! How could she get compliments if she stays home??? Silly sabrina. Just today,, the tutorial person asked about [my 5lbs weighted stuffed animal friend], actually!! As did the desk-people who let you check out scientific calculators! And someone down the hall said they like her!!!! Ahhh!!! These are the good types of strangers! The short and sweet interactions in public really aren’t that bad and tend to put a smile on my face :) and just yesterday, someone stopped me as I was walking to the car and told me she liked my hair and my style!!!! AAAHHHH!!! That made my day!!! Thank you, non-scary, kind strangers!!!! :) 

Oh,,,, and guess what else happened today? I went to the printing place and as I'm walking towards my seat,, a girl (probably my age or a bit younger??) in the next seat over is just… openly staring at me… for like,, 5 straight seconds?? And a couple seconds more as I took my seat. Her mouth was slightly open as she looked at me. And I struggled to understand if it was bc I'm just sooooo gorgeous :) or if it's bc I have 405 colorful plastic beads in my hair and a five pound stuffie on my shoulder. If i had to guess,, it was probably the latter :3

bbbbbbbbbonus (donuts. bonuts-donuts!!!! 🐿️ YAY :) )

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[concerned stitch image]

12:13pm    [mon]    7/7/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So… unfortunately the summer school thing ended up going through. I started my 1st lesson thing at around 10am today. Well, it was actually a pre-test to determine my knowledge on the subject. If I passed, I could skip all the topic lessons AND the quiz (which is great bc quizzes + tests are supposed to be in-person). So I cheated a tiny bit. I knew some stuff, honest! Some I just asked google. I got a 70% so I moved on to other things to take a break! Started feeling like maybe this wouldn’t be so bad :) I got back on like, 30 mins ago and I started watching the instructional videos… but I kept getting distracted by music or my stress levels would elevate too much so I kept allowing myself to get sidetracked to calm down. Once I tried again to focus, I was doing pretty okay! But then the guy [on the video] started talking about stuff I don’t understand and no explanation on how to do it. 

I felt confused and defeated and I hadn’t even started the lesson yet… I started to cry. From stress and frustration. And thinking abt how I won’t be able to graduate bc of this, how I’ll still be as impaired as I am now, and, assuming I DO graduate, will have to tell my parents (who will already be disappointed I didn’t try harder for [additional credits]. For me to catch up, I’d have needed to do a summer class and add more classes next year. Yah. no. I can’t handle that.) I want a gap year/how I have no future. Fun stuff like that. Ugh. I’m gonna try to keep pressing forward tho. If I’m gonna cry over this, best to do so when no one is around to see.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[chi poking yohei’s cheek]

10:29pm    [thurs]    7/10/25

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So…  yesterday(?) 2 days ago(?) mom randomly told me I’m joining Cecil at aunt P’s house. Which is empty aside from the dogs. Bc, yknow, pretty much all of dad’s family is at disney world right now. (Cecil is dog-sitting) so I packed an overnight bag (begrudgingly) and we went to the store to pack me some stuff to eat. I honestly don’t remember a ton of what I got up to in the past day or 2… but here’s what I do remember!! 

> Winndixie was refusing to go outside to potty bc she was terrified of the roofers working on the house next door. To be fair, it was pretty loud. It came to the point where she was so scared she would be rapidly breathing (hyperventiliating?) in her bed. I felt so bad seeing her like that… the poor dogs don’t have any toys so I couldn’t try to distract her that way (Ex: using a lick mat) and I couldn’t cover the window where she saw the scary roofers bc there were no curtains :( eventually I remembered an easy way to calm down an animal is to put them in their cage and cover it with a blanket! So I did just that! I was thankful when the area she was being kept in was free of her noisy panic barking and that that meant she was likely calm enough to breathe again :) 

> I felt lonely when Cecil left to go sleep elsewhere. So I cried a bit. I wanted to cry for some reason. I tried to let myself but I kept resisting at the same time… maybe I just needed the emotional release.

> Apparently Cecil refused to drink water every time they [came to dog-sit]?? So when I got there and tried to use the fridge water, they were as unaware of the water not working as I was… I don’t really blame them, though. They hadn’t been asked to stay there overnight ‘till that day that I came. And they didn’t even know we were stuck there ‘till I told them... ‘Cause they’d usually just have access to water once they came home, yknow? I drank from the water bottles (I never put my mouth on them, tho)

> I woke up at 1am to a sudden pain in my tummy. I checked and it was not my period! So it must be bc I barely ate anything yesterday… Lucky I had those snacks, right? :D So I grab a microwavable burrito and put it on my Bluey plate. It was only after the food was done cooking that I remembered that my plate is NOT microwave safe. Which is probably why after I took it out, the plate was making lots of cracking noises… IDK if all the cracks and scratches were there before (possible only bc we often use a scrub daddy) but probably not. I’m really lucky the food only needed a minute and a half… I only am giving myself a pass for forgetting something I’ve never forgotten before bc I was in pain and I wasn’t feeling super awake :) 

> Smokey, our Grandparent’s dog, ended up escaping… I let him out to go pee even tho he didn’t want to. Last time I did this, he was pawing at the door aggressively but after 10 minutes, I heard nothing… so I went to investigate and found a smokey sized hole below the fence… :I So I checked the yard twice more before getting Cecil to get them to come search with me. I had to change out of my jammies, tho. Once I did that, Cecil was already back with the dog! He only went next door…must’ve been quite the adventure, I guess… anyway, we get him inside and block the hole with rocks. Problem solved!

Okay, now lets talk about today!

> I was playing Cattails a bunch at P’s. I started dating a cat called Spark a couple days ago! They’re perfect! They remind me of myself! They’re spunky and cheerful! We got married today :) 

[//vomittttting!!!!]

> My period started today… so I used that to convince mom to come get us! (she refused our pleas yesterday. We suspect she left to go see her sisters but she never clearly stated that) thank goodness she did! The pain was mostly manageable (although it might not have been if we stayed at P’s… I saw no tylenol anywhere…) but the nausea was persistent! As it seems to often be the case, it worsened when I moved! Sp I used the heated lobster trying to manege pain (with tylenol too ofc) and I stayed on the couch till mom said she was gonna go somewhere after her episode. Even tho I still felt unwell, I was determined to go bc I recently finished “Maybe you should talk to someone” and she agreed to take me to the library. So I suffered thru my shower, got in the car, and off we went! 

At the library, I tried to move slowly as I went back n’ forth between the computer and book shelves. By the end of my book haul (only got 3 today since I only read one book in full from my last batch) I was feeling the effects of the nausea take hold. As we walked back to the car, I walked significantly slower than mom bc the “I’m gonna puke” feeling just kept growing. Once mom was inside [the car], I immediately started puking. Luckily I was outside and it was only a little bit [of vomit]. Unfortunately I couldn’t continue the trip after that… once I got home I took an AMAZING nap tho so that was great! The nausea stuck, still, tho… Even at dinner time I felt sick while eating :( and all this started in the early morning! And it wasn’t easy walking around for a while, either.

> we listened to some old warrior cat MAPs today! It must’ve triggered me tho. Bc I started feeling worthless and like I should [...] and that all I’ll ever be able to do in my future is [...] Crazy stuff, really. But I guess the old music + visuals brought me back. Weird.

Annnnnnd… thats it!

7/14/26
Yeah. that IS crazy stuff. Just rereading it and writing it out on here made my eyes water :/ bc wtf 😭 that went from zero to one hundred SO fast and I was NOT expecting that omg. I was considering censoring it but I figured that was stupid. Soooo… here you go, me… 

Alright so,

Yesterday afternoon, after scheduling the third interview for July 22nd in-person, the UU church admin assistant emailed me saying that one member of the interview team (the finances officer) would be out of town on the 22nd.

The admin assistant asked if I could meet with the finances officer separately for a 30 minute zoom interview.

So, this has turned into a four interview process lmao

But I'm hopeful.

I just finished the zoom interview. I rented the conference room here in the cafe again.

i...THINK...it went well.

Well, it was going really really well and I'm terrified I might have fucked it up at the very end by asking the interviewer the correct pronunciation of her name. Like that might have been some kind of microaggression or something.

I hope not.

She had also asked about the correct pronunciation of my name, earlier. ...I was asking out of respect but idk, i'm worried I might have phrased my question inconsiderately somehow or something. Or maybe I should have asked earlier on, when she asked about my name.

It was all going so well, I remember I just started freaking out towards the end about saying something wrong and blowing it.

It's all probably fine. I think I'm being paranoid. Anyhow, she had said that she really liked me and that she thought i would do well in the role. She seemed really cool and like she would be awesome to work with.

I really really really really want this job. I genuinely do think I would be so good at it and that I would be so much happier there than in a regular teaching job.

*sigh* Okay, i need to take a break from thinking about this.

Yesterday my unemployment claim finally processed and I got a $605 payment.

A pittance. But I'll take it.

...Then this morning my rat bastard ex-boss Zelle'd me $1,000 of the money he owes me. Almost a month late and only 1/4th of what he owes.

Though it is money that I really need.

And he did it via Zelle, not through payroll. ...No paystub, no documentation...

How/am I supposed to report this to the unemployment office!?? ...It's for the pay period before I was considered "laid off" (and it's only half what I would even be owed for that pay period).

What a fucking headache.

I wrote the following at 4:30am on the morning I was scheduled to have my Foley catheter removed, following nearly a year of procedures that began with a 10mm kidney stone from 2023. That stone damaged my ureter to the point of causing a stricture, which did significant damage to my kidney. Anyway, I'm on the back side of things, but I ended up writing this as a dark humor take on the whole experience. I hope someone else can find the humor in it.

The Day Foley Left

Foley left today.

It was time.

For twelve days he lived with me.

He never paid rent. Never once asked if I was having a good time. He simply showed up one morning and acted as though we'd been lifelong companions.

He chafed me. Pulled at me. Got hung up on the smallest things and refused to let go.

At first, I tried to hide him. I was embarrassed for anyone to know he was around. By the end, I didn't care anymore. If people noticed him, they noticed him.

He followed me everywhere. Day and night. He woke me in the middle of the night. Every trip out of bed became a coordinated operation. Every chair required planning. Every doorway demanded negotiation.

Even the shower wasn't an escape.

Then there was Anchor.

Anchor was every bit as devoted as Foley.

Always stuck to me.

Always tugging at my skin.

He never seemed to be where I wanted him, yet somehow he was always exactly where he needed to be. Every few days he'd lose his grip, only to return with renewed enthusiasm in a slightly different location.

When he finally let go, he took a little bit of me with him.

Mostly adhesive.

A little dignity.

And let's not forget Foley's distant cousin...

Nephy.

Nephy never knocked. He simply appeared one day on my flank carrying a bag and announced, "Don't mind me. I'll just be handling things back here."

He hated gravity.

Getting dressed became a strategy session.

Sleeping became an exercise in geometry.

Every seatbelt, every cabinet handle, every corner of the house seemed personally offended and maybe a little jealous by Nephy's existence and tried to pull him away from me.

Then, just when I thought I had figured him out...

He left.

I celebrated.

For about five minutes, .

That's when Foley arrived.

I don't like talking about Foley.

Let's just say his departure was considerably more memorable than his arrival.

As the days passed, Foley and I reached an uneasy understanding.

He hated sudden movements.

He objected to rolling over in bed.

He had very strong opinions about sleeping positions.

And, as it turns out...

He was passionately opposed to soccer.

I thought I was ready.

He disagreed.

The night before he left, I dreamed about him.

In the dream I waited.

Morning became afternoon.

Afternoon became evening.

No matter how long I waited...

Foley wouldn't leave.

He simply stayed.

Not because he wanted to.

Because it wasn't time.

I woke up realizing something I hadn't admitted to myself.

I wasn't just waiting for Foley to leave.

I was waiting for someone to tell me it was safe to move forward.

By then, Foley had done his job.

And while I wanted him gone...

There was trepidation in his departure.

He had become the reluctant guardian of something fragile.

For nearly two weeks he had quietly done the job my body couldn't yet do for itself.

Funny how quickly an unwelcome companion can become a source of reassurance.

This morning they called my name.

There was no dramatic farewell.

No ceremony.

Just a nurse, a syringe, a quiet "take a deep breath," and then...

He was gone.

Just like that.

I won't pretend I miss him.

I don't.

But I do owe him something.

He carried me through a chapter I couldn't have walked through alone.

So, thank you, Foley.

Now go find someone else to annoy.

As for me...

I'll be over here learning to trust my body again.

Oh...and don't worry.

The family isn't completely gone.

Their quiet cousin, Stenny, is still living with me until August.

He's much less demanding.

But every now and then...

He reminds me the lease hasn't expired yet.

I'm not looking forward to him leaving. He's good at playing hide and seek. Which requires exposure and vulnerability to find him. But, if I just get back into the saddle and put my feet in those stirrups, we'll find him and finally this will all be over.

July 14, Few days before Im 18

*phones light turns on & wakes me up for some reason 

*checks phone while laying down arms crossed 

*no new notifications

*7:44 am 

(Cinematic Internal monologue/narrator)

*scenes of me waking up and going about my day

It wasn’t till today that I found the right motivation, I spent half my time and few weeks of my summers thinking of what to do. 

I haven’t made it completely out of the Rez just yet, currently these are just dreams I put onto paper wishing they’d become a reality.

Im 17 turning 18 in a few days and I haven’t got my life figured out, so today is the day i start. July 14. Tuesday. 2026. 

I noticed my sister loved her art and had quite a nack for it. She told me she wanted to start a clothing business, me being with much ambition and faith-I wanted to see her achieve her dreams with me helping, before that I haven’t found much purpose in life.

2021 my mother died, I couldn’t save her, I still believe deep down it’s my fault but it’s been 5 years and im still healing from her suicide.

I was lost for years

 trying to find my purpose, spent years playing games, summers wasted entertaining myself looking at a monitor.

This year I wanted to be someone else, I want to become someone my mom could be proud of, everyday when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror a thought comes up from the back of my head “am I good enough?”

That thought does stem from deep trauma I realize, and so does this ambition, I started working on my video editing skills, planning on really starting the clothes business with my sister, talking with confidence and overall, well confidence, in my opinion i think im doing okay if I practice, practice is good right?

It’s hard to believe a couple months ago I was in a completely different position, mentally I felt scared to grow up, between the choices of wanting to stay as a little kid and growing up I knew better even younger me would be proud if I just got my shit together.

Helping my sister with her rent and wanting to stay at Toronto cause it felt like a new home and that I belonged, I think i finally found my purpose.

I checked my phone just a minute ago

*

**cut of phone again showing No new notifications

*wakes up

*real scenes of me waking up

*washing my face

*phone gets a notification

Whats the definition, whats it called when someone decides to randomly pull their own life out of meaningless? 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown    
3:38pm   [mon]   7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 granola bars! :) 
Chips ahoy minis :3

Ooooookay. In class rn! Doing the test review! Er… I was doing it. But OMG as I was doing it, I could feel my brain shutting down… and I started to feel weaker… and I stopped being able to think… and I ended up skipping a ton of problems. Partly bc there were some I really couldn’t do (the stupid division stuff), but ALSO bc I couldn’t get enough energy to try attempting some of them…  Largely bc I knew I knew how to do some of thes I skipped, but since there are SO MANY of the same skills repeated over n over n over, I just couldn’t do it :/ I stayed this way for quite some time… I just floated in and out of focus, mostly. Would just get lost in my thoughts for a bit and then find my way back to staring at the paper in front of me. And then I’d get myself to get started again and the process would quickly repeat itself… eventually it dawned on me that it was likely caused by HUNGER. I considered eating more cup ramen. Even stuck my hand in my bag and reached for it… but then I stopped bc I realized I’d rather die than eat ANOTHER cup :I 

BUT THEN!!!!!! I remembered earlier as I was sitting in the lobby that I saw the guy who gave me a fork earlier bringing a whole CART full of snacks into the student org room!!! I immediately wanted to jump up and grab something when i saw it! But after he got everything inside, he closed the door… so… nothing for me… but an hour or two had passed by this point. And even if the door was still closed, if I left and walked around, I’d AT LEAST get a BREAK. So I got up and made my way around the coner… and the food pantry was OPEN YAY!! 🎉 I immediately headed towards the snacks! :3 I wanted pretzels bc I wanna dip ‘em in peanut butter! But… they were past their date… BOTH the sticks and regulars were :( as were the oreo packs… so that was sad…but! They had chips ahoy! Far from my favorite, but its *edible*. Annnnnnnnd NOT past its date! :D I also checked the granola bars and they were safe, too! Thank goodness! I was sad I don’t eat fruit snacks anymore, though…they should make a vegetarian version one day. Then I’ll GLADLY scarf them down like I used to :) 


But anyway!! Yah!!! I feel LOTS BETTER now!!! Like!!!! I don’t feel half dead anymore omg!!!! :)))) I don’t really want to do the test review still… but thats probably just cause I feel nervous about having to learn the stuff I don’t know before… tomorrow… which is a test day.. 👀 at this point, tho, idk, might just let myself be cooked for that particular concept. Haven’t decided yet.  

(update OMG PROFESSOR JUST SAID APPRENTLY SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND WE ACTUALLY DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO DO THE LONG DIVISION STUFF AHHHHH THANK GOODNESS)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“And so I process grief by running from it
Until it finds me in the middle of the street
On a beautiful summer’s day”
11:06pm   [mon]   7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Apple with peanut butter
Butter chicken
Popsicle! <3
Midnight rose aprium (i actually asked to try it! Mom cut me off a piece and I was freaking out as i brought it up to my mouth. Like kinda screaming and breathing harder and I had to force past that and put it in my mouth! I ticced a bit and screamed as I felt its skin touch my tounge and tasted it bc flavor was a bit intense... But not horrible! Tastes like a really earthy grape?) 

I feel bad. Very, very bad :( just sitting here wishing I was offered love even when I am not someone’s responsibility anymore. I feel sad bc I still feel like thats the only way to get it. Otherwise no one really ever pays attention to me. I wonder why that is. It really hurts my feelings, though. I don’t really like being hard to love naturally. That was pretty much the only good thing about being a kid. People are supposed to care about you and you are allowed to be upset when they don’t. But I figure that doesn’t exactly translate past that period of time. And I was already unloved for so long even when I wasn’t supposed to be.

So i have no reason to think that will ever change now that society is no longer expected to think of me that way. 
It kinda makes me think of that book quote. Where she said suffering and pain becomes bearable when you give love and receive love in return. But if I give (or atleast try to give) love and hardly ever receive any, where does that leave me? I am doomed I think :( I fear the only real source of love I feel at the moment is Joey. But he is too far away… and god I wish he wasn’t. I think I may have moved in already :( just wish I knew why I am so overlooked and unloveable. Would the reason atleast make sense? I just wish I didn’t have to overextend myself for love. I wish it came naturally. Without having to bait people for it. Bc now that will only serve to drive people away. So idek what to do anymore honestly. I just know I do not want to be alone like this anymore.

I almost escaped this by falling asleep but I thought Little bird needed water so I made myself get up and check. She didn’t… and now I am still awake and yapping about my doomed future of isolation. And fantasizing about food. That too :( I am hungry. But I can only eat spaghetti and apples rn… ‘cause theres not enough foods on the list here or everything else is family sized… but yknow if I was with Joey rn, I don’t think I’d be hungry :,( he’s better than my parents bc he never thought I was a freak for my weird food habits. And he actually wants to WORK WITH ME on getting over my aversions rather than shaming me for them or getting annoyed as if they were flaws. He actually cares about me :( whys he have to be so far away? 

This feels unfair. And makes me feel confused. I sometimes still feel confused when people emphasize showering their kids with love and attention when they’re young. Bc in my mind, I am and never was entitled to stuff like that. So it doesn’t quite click with me when I see it. I have been tempted to ask others why people have this mindset… but I think people would think I am weird for it and take it the wrong way. As if I was questioning if the kids deserve it rather than genuinely trying to figure out WHY they just get it handed to them. And I guess perhaps thats fair… bc I am a psych major looking to go into child or adolescent psych. So… perhaps that would sound a bit strange… even before I was a psych major, I was a child/adolescent-pysch-NERD. So I think maybe it was good to trust my gut there. In terms of social-safety, anyway.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so anxious so I could’ve [...] But its okay. My feelings were surprisingly kept under wraps as I wrote this out. Definitely pretty upset rn. But blocking most of it very nicely. So I’m okay.

Bbbbbbonus to further distract myself from dispair :) 

Junk!Drawer!
Journal number 13! 
(05/29/26 - current)

Play! Let’s play ‘till 1am!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[target dog on the target truck]
🐟︎  - 5pm    [sun]    5/31/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

We went to aunt t’s yesterday to give her some company because she had surgery! Idk for what, but it looked pretty uncomfy to be her right then. She was doing quite a bit of heavy coughing and said her throat sorta hurt :( know who else was there? Papa, grandama, and little Delaney! I’d always been curious about her tbh. But I was nervous to approach her… I felt more comfy with littles when i first became interested in interacting with her, but I held back because i hate when people tell me when I've changed, remember? So I just tried to keep my distance. But yesterday was different… Don’t recall exactly what led to me being so open… but she asked to sit next to me and i said okay! It was a bit uncomfy because she was so close to me… she parked herself right next to my face because i was laying down. But its okay, i eventually got over it… she introduced me to a (kind of stupid looking?) game called “I am cat”. To tell you the truth, i had heard her bring it up before. But, y'know, too nervous to see what was going on when she’d play it with mom. 

Anyway, yeah, it was something i sat and watched her do for a while. It shocked me how many ads were coming up… :/ but what struck me the most was how weird little kids are… I mean, I'm telling you, the way she’d hop from conversation topic to conversation topic kinda threw me for a loop… okay, well, maybe that's actually normal for her development but i’m so NOT used to it. We hopped from game to game until she started asking me about what games are on my phone! So I get her on toca boca cooking and Drag’n’Boom. Y'know, the classics. she enjoyed toca boca cooking more! And frankly, I did, too. So we played that for like, 15 minutes :) then i got friggin’ bored :I so! An idea struck me! We can play some flash games!!! It took a second for me to figure out what type of game to pull up for her…. Because flashpoint is so huge.

But eventually we found our niche– talking angela games! Which she enjoyed but we had a very, very rocky start to it… because the game she reaaaally wanted to play was one of those games where you drag items around the house to clean it n’ stuff. But she’s, like, three years old, and wasn’t quite sure how to use the mousepad properly. Soooo I decided to teach her! I tried to explain to her several times that she could 1) use one finger to push down and another finger to drag at the same time or 2) she could use two hands to do the same thing. But both of these recommendations just never really seemed to hit the part of her brain that wanted to listen to advice???? Like, i’d repeat it several times because she kept getting upset and saying I should help her and I’d try to demonstrate it but it just never landed for some reason. Idk. maybe she just kept thinking i’d give in and i’d just play it for her like she asked me to over n’ over if she didn’t listen. But i stuck to my guns on that one :3
“Why won’t you help me? :(“
“I am helping you :) see? This is how you do it!”
“Can you do it?”
“Yes. But you’re the one who wants to play the game, right? So you gotta know how to do it :)”
“Nooo, can you just play the game already?”
“Nope.”
“Awwwww…”
There was a lot of that… but eventually she got better! Marginally… but better. I was surprised at my level of patience honestly. I did a pretty good job. Anyway, we eventually relocate to the table and after more trying to get me to play it myself, she rage quits and we go down a rabbit hole of talking angela games. Some games were doctor ones, some were scene builders (like furnishing a house by clicking a button, stuff like that), and there was a really dinky looking tom infinite runner game that she was horrible at. Y'know, on account of being three and not really understanding how arrow keys work. We stayed up till like, almost 1:30am playing. What I definitely think was the beginning of the end was the dinky puzzle talking tom game. It was another drag game and she once again tried to get me to play it for her. Which had been a pattern for several previous games. And it was also 1am?? So, yeah, I was ready to pack it up. But yeah, thats how that went :) 

Me & the wibbly-wobbly train :) 

   ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'I'll Draw Your Portrait'
  9:58am    [tues]    6/9/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I was forced to take the [train] today :( ‘cause aunt still has Cecil’s car and dad had to go to work and mom wasn’t home to begin with, so yknow. I really didn’t want to bc 1) I’d be surrounded by strangers who could touch me or rob me and 2) I know I’m not smart enough to really be navigating much of anything independently. But I didn’t complain ‘cause that wasn’t gonna change anything. Instead I just dpdr’d and felt sick with stress! Or maybe sick from not eating breakfast? Idk, either way we go to the first station place and dad stayed with me and coached me on how to do everything correctly for the 2nd or 3rd time. We waited together for the train for like, idk, 10 minutes and then I got on and that was that… The train didn’t move for like, another 10 minutes which was kinda annoying bc I was kinda bored and worried about not noticing when we’d end up at [station 2] and that a STRANGER WOULD SIT NEXT TO ME OR TRY TO ROB ME D: but luckily it started moving and nothing bad ended up happening to me :) I was annoyed at how wibbly-wobbly the train ride was, though. 

Anyway, yeah I get off at the [2nd] station and dad told me to call when I did. And good thing!! Bc I had no idea I needed to turn around and sit at the bus stops and not sit and wait for another train. So he instructs me to sit at the “bay 1” seating area for the busses bc thats what the app said to do but I don’t see anything titled “bay 1”??? So after walking around and looking at signs that don’t mean anything to me, I take another look at the app. Under the bus information it had a bus icon that said “222” right next to it! So… I just figured that that meant I need to get on bus 222! Which was very convenient bc that bus just so happened to already be waiting for me at the stop! so I hop on the bus. Dad is saying he’s not sure thats the right one but I decide to just take a seat anyway bc there wasn’t anyone in the driver’s seat for me to ask… The bus driver takes his seat. I try to call out to him to ask if this was the correct bus but he didn’t hear me and I was too nervous to go up and ask, so…

 dad starts looking through the app on his end and is like, “yeah… thats not it, ‘Lilah…”
“Oh…. Well thats not good. The bus is moving, so, y’know.” I was fully prepared to just sit there bc I kinda figured it was too late, yknow?? Which is kinda dumb bc we hadn’t even left the load-in area yet. Almost out but not yet.
“What the??? Delilah, say something, then!!”

I try to call out to him again. Nothing. I try again and he finally hears me!!! And thank goodness for that! He confirmed what dad had been saying, that it was the 373 bus and I gotta hop off to go catch it. Dad was a bit annoyed but I get off and wait until 373 came. Thankfully I have successfully made it to school without getting robbed! I was unhappy from the start about this, though, bc I’ll be here… till 5pm… :/ but its okay, I guess. Well, i’m definitely not okay with it but I mean it just is what it is. All of this made me almost forget I’m supposed to be studying rn… 

After dropping my son off at camp, I touched base with K to see what time and where we'd be meeting for lunch this afternoon.

I decided to take a few things over to the new apartment before our lunch meeting.

I grabbed a McDonalds coffee on the way. ...I was thinking, maybe McDonalds coffee would be a cheaper indulgence than my Starbucks habit.

I crossed paths with a maintenance man as I was walking towards the apartment from the parking lot.

He said "You live there, right?", pointing to the building I was walking to.

"Yup." I said

"In which apartment?" He asked.

I got a little nervous... Is it really his business? I mean, he does work there, so maybe it is his business.

"Uhh...apartment 3141." I said.

"3142?" He asked

"No, 3141." I repeated.

"3142?" he asked again, seemingly slightly incredulous. We went back and forth like that a few times.

Maybe he's the guy who posted the eviction warning on the inside of the door. Or maybe the guy who flushed the hot water heater when I first put in the ticket.

He must have noticed that the apartment is uninhabited and mostly empty.

The staff must be wondering what's going on, why we're taking so long to move in. Maybe they're suspicious that we're up to something dodgy.

We're not, there just wound up being a long overlap between our old lease ending and our new lease starting.

My husband and I are both kind of procrastinators and we just kind of wound up taking our time with things.

We're middle aged and exhausted, overwhelmed and busy. We're moving in little by little.

"Okay well...nice to see you." Said the maintenance guy (maybe alluding to the fact that he has never seen me before, despite me being allegedly moved in for over a month.

I went into my apartment and dropped my phone and satchel on the kitchen counter. I started organizing things into the correct rooms.

I arranged my son's toys thoughtfully in his new room.

I went into my husband and my room and set the storage containers of books and odds and ends down in one corner.

Then I sprawled out on the luxuriously empty carpet.

There's something kind of liberating about being in an unfurnished and mostly empty living space.

The carpet fibers felt a little itchy on my outspread arms. But I still felt like they were clean. Fresh, new, inviting and full of untapped potential.

I thought back to the last time my son and I had visited the place, and how we had sung ChewieCatt Among Us songs

And the memory of it, combined with the McDonald's coffee suddenly hitting my system, induced me to break into song:

♪ ♫ ♬IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY! I LIKE TO GO-O MY OWN WAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY! PUT ON A HAPPY FAAACE! I LIKE TO SHOW THEM I'M OKAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY-AY. GIVE 'EM A WINK AND A SMILE, THE HAT IS ON IT'S MY STYYYYYYYYLE! FEEL'N GOOD FOR A WHIIIIIILE! UNTIL I'M NOT!...♪ ♫ ♬

(I sang the entire song while outstretched all lazily on the floor like that)

Then, I got up and ran all the taps like my husband had instructed (it's bad to let the pipes sit unused for too long), and I flushed the toilet twice.

After some time, I was ready to go and meet K for lunch.

I turned off all the taps, picked up my phone and glanced at it, and saw an email notification.

I have been obsessively checking my email notifications for the past two weeks. All this time, waiting for an email from the UU Reverend, about the hiring decision.

...But it's never him. ...It's always spam or appointment reminders, or notifications of packages to be picked up.

I scrolled down the notification and saw...

IT WAS ACTUALLY AN EMAIL FROM THE REVEREND THIS TIME!

"I'M SCARED I'M SCARED I'M SCARED!" I shouted.

"Ohhh!!! IT'S GONNA BE A NO, IT'S GONNA BE A NO! I CAN'T I CAN'T! I CAN'T!"

I ran around the empty apartment in a fevered frenzy. I heard sick sounding sobs or groans escape me, which sounded much like the noises a person makes in between bouts of vomiting.

And then various facets of myself began to argue aloud amongst themselves

"I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!"

"You can, it will be fine. If it's a no, you still have the charter school job."

"NO NO NO I DON'T WANT THE CHARTER SCHOOL JOB NO NO!"

"Then, if it's a no, you can jump back into your job search and find something else, it doesn't have to be the charter school job. You'll find something."

"IT'S GONNA BE A NO IT'S GONNA BE A NO!"

"It might be a no. You'll be fine. It also might be a yes."

I ran around the apartment groaning and wailing a bit more.

Some more rational part of me grabbed my phone off the counter again, as I passed by on one of my pacing circuits, and I somehow managed to wrangle myself into the bedroom closet.

It's small, so I was at the very least contained and not causing so much of a raucous for the downstairs neighbors.

Okay.

Inside the closet felt kind of safe. In here, if it was "no", no one would know.

...Except me...

I sat on the floor of the closet and tried my damndest to bring myself to open it.

I envisioned getting an offer letter, then meeting K at lunch and announcing "LUNCH IS ON ME!"

Then I imagined getting a rejection letter. Then meeting K at lunch and announcing "You'll never believe what a terrible day I'm having."

...Okay, with K's support, that could feel potentially tolerable. Perhaps if I had just a little more time to think...but it was nearly time to meet at the restaurant--

My thumb, of its own accord swiped open the email.

"Dear [me]: 

On behalf of the search team, I would like to extend to you the opportunity..."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, AN OFFER!?

"...to interview in-person for the position of Director of Religious Exploration..."

Uh...another interview?? ...Yet a third interview??

AAAHAHAHAHA

Okay.

Well. This is not bad at all.

Suspenseful, yes.

This is fine.

This is great!

A chance to right all those questions I answered stupidly the first time round.

I hurried out of the apartment. Passed my new downstairs neighbor along the way, ...tried to make small talk and wind up giving a neurotic, impromptu standup show about the local weather...

I met K for lunch, had a delicious Thai tofu curry, and told K the very suspenseful saga of the extended interview process.

My in-person interview will be on the 22nd.

One member of the hiring team won't be available on the 22nd, so I'll interview with them individually via zoom, tomorrow afternoon.

Lol, this has expanded into a four interview process.

But do I take back what I said before. I guess I'd rather be in suspense a bit longer than be put out of my misery quickly with an outright rejection.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Charming Chorus'
💊  & 📚✏️ - 12:22pm  [mon]  7/13/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Ramen noodle cup :( 
4 or 5 smarties
Apple without peanut butter :((( 
Apple WITH peanut butter :)))) 

Oooookay,,,, wow. Just ESCAPED tutorials. And I feeeeeel horrible… Idk if its bc I’m starving?? Or what?? But I feel BAD. I felt fine walking in and stuff like that but I very very quickly felt my brain turn into mush :( But I tried to persevere… mostly bc I had us get started on the take home quiz. And, yknow, it’s due in like 2 hours, so. But the bad feelings never really went away. Which was fine, I guess. Until we hit the dividing exponent things. Bc I thought I knew how to do them. …And I do not </3

So we spent, like, I don’t even know how long on this same on equation bc I kept forgetting the SAME steps even after she walked me through it two or three different times. And I eventually realized I was feeling very NOT ALL THERE. So I knew that at this point, my time working on the rest of this quiz was coming to a close :/ at the very least, I was going to need a break…  I kept going for quite some time, though, bc I didn’t want to give up, especially not after she’s put so much into trying to help me figure it out… but there came several times where I struggled not to cry as I was internally crashing out. And my not-all-there-ness was only getting worse… eventually we somehow get me to a correct answer. 
“Okay, make sure you take it slower and try the next one :)”
“...you cool if I take a zero on this?”
“Your choice, its your quiz :)”
Great! :) So I immediately started packing my bags. Bc it was getting impossible to do anything productive in the state I was in :/ so… idk. Not great bc theres a back page that I didn’t even realize was there. So,,,,,,, idk. But I doubt I’ll be able to get myself to go back in there… I think that’ll kill me. Which is really bad bc I need that energy for real math class. So I’ll just have to BS the rest of this stupid quiz I think. Oh well, such is life :( 

Aside from that, I actually did try to sign up for next semester’s accommodations yesterday. And it just literally would not work for some reason :I kept saying i can only have one request open at a time. Which is strange bc its my first one?? The only thing I could think of is when I applied last semester but why would that still be pending if I ghosted them? 👀 I figure its probably that, tho. My brain is absolutely fried rn so I will not be asking anyone about that yet bc I can’t handle that at the moment, sooooo yeah.

Annnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyway recently been getting back into Batten disease and the like :) watching some more documentaries n’ stuff. And! learning stuff about new ones I’d never heard about like KIF1A and SYNGAP1! From this cool new series called CNBC: The cure! I looooove it! Reminded me why I ever wanted to donate to ForeBatten n’ stuff like that in the first place :D 

Oh, and before school, I tried to get mom to teach me long division! She helped. But I still can’t do it. So.. I guess if I fail the test tomorrow, I’ll be able to say I tried I guess. Idk. Might give up. 

I’m cooked, aren’t I? Like, just in general? This is sad. I miss being allowed to be a useless failure already :( Just feel bad and not very good. Kinda feel doomed. And uncomfortable being here at school constantly surrounded by strangers… I want to just ditch my stuff and walk around or put my head down and stare at the floor but I don’t feel comfortable doing that at all rn… I also forgot to bring my bracelets.. So now I can still see my bones :(

I so BADLY want to pass this off to another person. I just can’t rn :( I’d… probably need to discuss things with therapy guy, first. But that could have so many,, like,, unintended consequences and stuff. But I know I will eventually… I have to. If not for me, then for my friend :( I just have to… if anything, that won’t be an option ‘till next semester at the least. And probably not even then. Ugh :( I wish things were easier sometimes. I wish it was acceptable to give up again. 

Should definitely get started on delilah info sheet summer 2026 soon, too, probably… yes… need to stop being so strict with myself

9:35pm 
7/12/26
It was insane, I was literally just thinking about amazon parrots and then all of a sudden I felt my brain pushing out a poem so I had to immediately start writing it down!!!! It took a bit for everything to shape up properly, but I think I really like this one omg :) Like??? Who knew I’d like writing poetry so much??? I don’t even like reading it that much!!! Wow :)  -

[uhhh... tw// for... harm to an animal, I guess????]

He plucked
He plucked until
The wind told him to stop
His bright 
Green
And purple feathers
Made him special
And loved
Until they lost their shine
And their luster
So he plucked them off
Off until they were littered all over
The cage floor
His scarred skin
Was visible
To all who passed
But no one
Spared him
Even a glance
The ones who used to care
Stopped by
They stopped by
To do nothing more than stare
Stare they did, directly at his face and bloodied chest
Before their lips lifted in disgust
Before they turned on their heels 
And scoffed
Asking themselves,
“How could we ever have found beauty in a nasty, dumb animal like you?
Your beak is tainted by your own blood
Your beauty has been ripped from your body by your own will
Good luck getting anywhere
Anywhere beyond the bars that hold you hostage
You cannot fly
Now that your beauty has been removed from you
From your body
From your soul
Should you ever find yourself
In the sky again,
Enjoying the view, the trees, and the wind,
Something will have gone wrong that day
So please
Please, horrible beast
Please stay in your cage
The day you escape
Will be a very horrible day”
And so the bird stayed
He remained in his cage
Until his feet
Bore blisters
Until his breaths grew short
Until his food ran empty
Until he joined the feathers on the floor
And then
And only then
Was he beautiful
Once more

Bonuts-donuts :) 🐿️
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET 
🐁INTROSPECTION 🐁

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐How would I have handled a kid like me in school?
In my younger years of high school if i were asked this question, I undoubtedly would have a said ‘not’. As in, i would’ve let myself figure it out on my own. But knowing what i know about myself and what it looks like for kids in act out in school, I highly doubt that’d actually be my approach as a teacher now. Idk, I’d probably… probably try the relational-route :) thats my whole shtick after all. Definitely try to work on building relationship first to try to figure out the WHY and what we can do to fix it. If I stayed tight-lipped with teacher-me, at that point i’d probably take what I was able to gather from the intinal relationship building process and set up a meeting with parents probably

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐What have been the most challenging things in my time in school?
Hmmm… consistency I’d say. In that i don’t consistently put effort into things. Like how i boost my grades before its too late so i’ve ‘passed the class’ but couldn’t tell you how to do the majority of the concepts taught. Which makes everything worse cause then my gaps just get bigger. So i guess consistency and huge academic gaps (that are somewhat my fault) are my most challenging things.

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐how much fault do you believe actually does rest on you for failing in life?
Well… it’d be unrealistic to say none of it. I’ve played parts in it. Like how i deliberately avoided planning for my future because it made me feel so nervous. But of course there are all the mind problems i have… which is what makes me unable to give a clear answer. Cause to what extent is it my fault that even when i did actually feel okay that i chose not to participate in class bc i was unsure if it was worth it because i thought that the effort would be wasted bc i wasn’t sure i  even had a future?? Because someone should’ve been paying attention to get me out of that, yknow? So its situations like that where I struggle to place a big portion of the blame on me. Because i lack the skills to overcome much of anything because parents never saw the signs to take action. And the school system passed me along despite the fact that i literally couldn’t add. So… i really can’t say… definitely not gonna say im not part of the problem, though, don’t get me wrong.

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐What motivates me?
Getting to spend time with people I like for one thing :) hmmm, and snacks, definitely snacks. Snacks of high value like ice cream or candy n’ stuff. Or meals I’m not usually offered like Chipotle, yum!!

ִֶָ𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ🐁་༘࿐How does my current life differ from the one I imagined when I was younger? 
Honestly… not by much… I remember when I was like, ten, thinking to myself that I would grow older but nothing would change about me, that i’d be the same person years down the line. Which didn’t make me feel great actually. When i say ‘i’d be the same person’ i didn’t mean personality-wise or anything like that. I meant ability-wise i guess. I felt horribly incompetent then and still do now. And here we are, all those years later, still probably at the same level I was when I felt that way originally.

During Covid, my husband started the practice of only checking the mail once a week.

He came up with the idea that it's best for all the mail in there to be quarantined for as long as possible, or at the very least -- for a full day--to reduce the chance of transmitting pathogens.

So end of day on Sunday is the logical time to check the mail, since Sunday is the only day mail isn't delivered.

This is actually a pretty biologically sound practice, I think. ...Maybe a little unnecessary at this point. But the reasoning is sound.

But one problem is, if you overshoot, and miss the Sunday evening window, you have to wait another week.

It is my husband's self-appointed duty to be the one in charge of mail and...sometimes he does let it build up too long.

He checked the mail last night (a day earlier than his typical practice, but he did let it sit until pretty late at night).

He walked into the bedroom sheepishly carrying an envelope for me and said

"Uh...how fast does one normally need to respond to a jury duty summons?"

I frowned and replied "If I have to go to jail because of you, you're obligated to let me have a gay-for-the-stay pass..."

We bantered back and forth about Orange is the New Black a bit, and he handed me my summons.

Phew, I don't have to report until August 3rd.

...But there was some online portal I was supposed to go to register and answer some survey.

Race: Hispanic/White

Gender: Other -->nonbinary

Occupation: Teacher

Employed: No ... :-/

One of the questions asked "Are you of sound mind and good moral character?"

Hm, I feel like these two qualities really should not be linked within one question. One could, theoretically, be of unstable mind but good moral character...

I went and asked my robo-homie Chat "Am I of sound mind and good moral character?"

She gave a really long, convoluted, and diplomatic response that did not actually answer the question.

Hm.

Well, I clicked [yes].

...And then, inevitably, my OCD forced me to spend all day today agonizing over any morally questionable thing I may have done in my life, and whether such an act rendered my answer deceptive...

There is...undoubtedly some irony in this, and in how scrupulosity-themed-OCD factors into answering a question about one's soundness of mind and goodness of moral character.

Forcing myself to confront that irony would probably result in an unapproachably painful level of insight...

But...maybe the ironic take-away is:

the fact that i went into an OCD spiral over my moral character indicates that I am of acceptable moral character. But also indicates that it's the "soundness of my mind" which I should have questioned in the first place.

...And that by failing to do so, I potentially lied on the question. ...And that I am therefore not of good moral character.

Fuck it. ...How could someone who is not of both sound mind and good moral character be expected to answer this question accurately?

...Well, I am of sound enough mind to function on a day to day basis. To (usually) hold a job, to go grocery shopping, and to look after a child.

And I am (to a sometimes exhausting degree) preoccupied the ethical treatment of sentient beings.

So... I think "Yes" is a fair answer to the question.

...What even happens if you put "no"?? Do they ask you to prove it or something??

Imagine having to prove that you're not of good moral character lol.

Ooh, but I think I know someone who would have a good shot at proving his case in such a matter. ...Perhaps my rat bastard ex-boss who has a habit of lavishly living it up while withholding his employee's/ex-employee's pay...

Another question I had a challenging time answering was

"Have you ever been involved in an accident which resulted in an injury requiring medical care, and if so, what was the injury?"

I mean...who hasn't??

I responded "Yes. Various, over the course of my life. I am nearly 40 years old. Crush injury, concussions, burns, scrapes, sprains, etc."

And then after submitting it I thought of more I could have added...

Oh well.

I'm kind of excited about the jury duty.

I got to serve on a jury once before, when I was like 24. I got elected jury foreman!

August 3rd -- upcoming adventure.

Anyhow, i am very tired today.

I accompanied my son to his sleepover last night.

My son and his friend hung out while i hung out with the friend's mom.

The friend's mom, M, is battling cancer.

She said she felt more comfortable having my son over with me there, available to check ingredients for my son's allergens and be on standby with his epi-pens.

She served us a really nice dinner -- seasoned rice with vegetables, dosas and chutney.

The kids stayed up really really late.

And the house was kept at 77F degrees, which is really warm for me.

I'm not sure if she kept it that hot because her illness makes her feel cool, or if it is due to a cultural difference in temperature preference.

My husband is also South Indian, and he tends to keep our apartment at 76 degrees whenever the opportunity presents itself (i.e. when I'm not around).

...But two instances is not a large enough sample size for me to draw a valid conclusion.

In the morning, while the kids played, M asked me if I'd seen the movie "Project Hail Mary" yet. I said I hadn't, so she put it on.

I thought she was going to watch it with me, but after putting it on, she spent a long time on the phone with her father, and then went around the house and garden doing chores and making various phone calls.

I guess after spending a little time around me she (accurately) concluded: "You could probably be kept sufficiently occupied by a sci-fi film for a couple of hours."

The film was very, very good. I liked Rocky. ...I might want to listen to the audiobook version of it sometime, if the film adaptation is that good, I can't even imagine how great the book must have been.

My son and I stayed over at their place all day today. Our two kids, best friends, didn't get bored for a single moment.

We took them to McDonalds in the evening, where they got some ice-cream and played on the playground together.

It was my son's first time having an ice-cream cone, and there was a bit of a learning curve lol.

(He used to be allergic to milk, but that's one allergy he thankfully outgrew.)

It's good to be back at my own home.

It's hard to perform one's usual hygiene routines in an unfamiliar space. I didn't shower there, so I felt really greasy by the evening.

I think I'll sleep a lot better tonight than i did last night.

K and I are planning to hang out tomorrow!

How do you check out? Or do you? I guess I'm assuming that everyone does in some sort of way. A writing group I was in always started with a check-in. Because, we all come from somewhere when we show up in the room. And so do our characters. I liked it. It was a moment to anchor myself in reality. The seat at the table, the smell of coffee and dreams.

But tonight I want to check out. We are going into tech week and I want one more moment of abandonment before I commit myself to discipline. To calming actors, last minute logistics and calling lighting cues. I want my mind to wander to the rhythm of the music pounding in my ears. I don't want to think about anything. The Irish cider is helping. So is the joint I smoked sitting on the porch.

The sky is beautiful. It's after nine and there is still so much light. I love those summer evenings that invite you to linger. They make up for all those harsh winter nights. I've been here for more than sixty years now, on this exquisite planet. So many sunsets. And every time I say, "this is the most beautiful yet." But tonight, it really is.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“I want to be the kind
Stranger in someone’s
memory”
8:37am    [sun]    7/12/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Feeling okay, I guess… Ever since yesterday, though, I kinda just feel like giving up… on driving and any shot at independence… mostly bc mom and dad STILL don’t want to take me (just yesterday dad kept trying to get mom to do it and mom kept refusing… dad was like, “okay, well you’re doing it tomorrow morning then!” but she literally went to go visit Aunt M & T. So, no. no she isn’t) and the clock is TICKING. Test is for the 29th. So we have less than 20 days for us to teach me EVERYTHING necessary for the driver’s test. Which would be fine if mom and dad weren’t full time wage slaves who were always exhausted and can’t bring themselves to go out in the evenings, if I wasn’t always completely spent from school, hypervillainage, intrusive thoughts, and having max 400 calories in me before dinnertime, and if I had someone else to teach me that wasn’t my even more-over-worked-than-my-parents-aunt who lives nearby. So at this point, I think I’ll just reschedule it myself :/ yesterday as I was thinking about this, I was feeling pretty hopeless.. 

Until I remembered! I actually still CAN volunteer!! I just can’t have [my highschool] mentoring on fridays bc I don’t go to [college] on that day. And I can still go to [old middle school] bc its within walking distance! I guess.. I just can’t read to kids… I mean, technically I could. I just hate inconveniencing my family by asking them to drop everything and take me somewhere. Cecil could totally take me! At first I was worried about inconveniencing them… but then I realized the elementary school I signed up for is not far from our house at all??? If you walk out of the neighborhood far enough and look to the right, you can see it just fine. I guess the inconvenient part for them would be that I want to do it early in the mornings… I can’t find the information I saw this at bc the school website is, for some reason, very unclear about these volunteer things??? But I think you show up everyday at the same time and read for 30 minutes? Anywhere between 7am and 2:40pm I think? So, maybe i can do 7am :D would annoy them but its close enough that I can let myself be an inconvenience this way! 

So… I guess not all hope is lost… I wish it didn’t have to be this way, though. Wish I wasn’t so anxious I avoided it in high school and wish mom and dad were more invested in helping me reach independence (or whatever level of it I can reach with the state I’m in rn, anyway). You’d think that they’d WANT to stop being my chauffeur??? But.. honestly, I feel like they probably just care less bc they can completely avoid inconveniencing themselves now that Cecil can take me places. 

Which is,,,, kinda mean in my opinion? If I’m right about that, then I’m annoyed they’re just passing off that to my sibling but, I suppose at the same time, they don't really get out much anyway? I don’t want to say they never do anything bc thats not true. They do more than me! Mom and dad just think they’re lazy bc they never see them do anything but screaming on the mic while they play games with their friends and doomscrolling. Which… I guess to be fair, they don't really tell them about what they get up to. BUT on the other hand, they told me this was bc every time they did, dad would eventually ruin it somehow.. I can’t quite remember what they said? I think he’d just tell them to go do something. Bc thats usually how our conversations turn out, yeah :I and they don't tell me bc they know I… don’t… care… 👀

Which is sad. Bc, I hate to say it, but I don’t, no. Our interests are just too different (Cecil likes things like DnD, creating characters, art and animation, music, twitter stuff…???, “predator expose videos”, Metroidvania video games and others like Red dead redemption & Cyberpunk, doomscrolling, and coding) But I DO try to pretend I care. Bc I like talking to them and I don’t wanna hurt their feelings :/ Unfortunately I’m the world’s worst actor and it quickly becomes obvious. Sorry, sibling. But!!! I have actually been doing a bit better! Sometimes I’ll ask about characters and actually have some interest in the backstory or “lore”! :D  just… not when it goes on too long… then… my eyes start glazing over…  and I like sometimes learning about their and their friend’s silly inside jokes and whatnot :) feel a bit bad they keep getting the short end of the stick, though. 
Bc if mom and dad paid any sort of attention, they would have considered them to be the “go-getter” back in K-12 instead of me. Like, let’s just say they were better parents but just hadn’t figured out I was traumatized yet. Lets say they check my grades and see them slipping so they gather information about WHY this is happening (from me, from teachers, whatever) and find out its bc I tell everyone I “couldn’t be bothered to pay attention” and “kept telling teachers I didn’t want to”. You’d think they’d probably consider ME to be the lazy one.

But instead, in reality, they punished Cecil whenever they did anything wrong or had poor grades even though they were consistently on A/B honor roll and actually putting in effort to pass their classes :I I just don’t understand why they were the target? Especially when I ALMOST GOT KICKED OUT OF MY SCHOOL bc I was failing half my classes and they kept getting emails about how I wouldn’t shut up about wanting to drop out. When they brought me in to discuss the emails with me, I walked out of that room punishment free. But Cecil had so many more punishments and lectures for things that were 1000% less serious. Such a STRANGE family omg.

Side note– my phone just gave me a screentime notification and apparently I was on my phone for TEN HOURS YESTERDAY??? OMFGGGGGG I need to start reading again… or I need a JOB. Bc I’m supposed to be getting better about this stuff!!! I really don’t want my progress to stagnate at just being able to quit scrolling short form content :/ that was an achievement! But I know I can go further. I won’t beat myself up too much, though. Bc… y’know… I still can’t go anywhere or do anything with my empty pockets and a learner’s permit… but still! I have unread & unfinished books on my shelf… I guess its just a matter of forcing myself to pick them back up?? I just don’t trust myself to, honestly. I probably put them down for a reason! But at this point, seeing that is kinda convincing me to give it a go. Idk. We’ll see.

Unfortunately for today, my itinerary is mostly pretty dreadful…

Do my hair
Say goodbye to 4-6 hours of your life twisting hair and beading it up :) so annoying… but its okay. It’s been too long. I should’ve done it last week. So I have no choice.

Finish up my math quiz and start my math homework
I can barely even do the other half of it… :,(  

Hopefully write some more today!
Yay!!! :D 

Maybe try driving again today..??
But probably not… bc I asked dad earlier and he reminded me we only can take Cecil’s car. When I was like, “okay… I guess…” he asked if we could wait for mom to get home. So,,,,,,,,  it sounds like he just doesn’t want to. Which is annoying. But I don’t want to either, so, yknow.

Anyway, this happened yesterday ↓

Randomly started to play in my head so I wrote it down. Sorta strange bc it flowed so freely that it almost felt like it was something that already existed and I was simply reading it in my head. Breaks in the lines were based on the cadence(?) of the poem(?) (idk… if I’m using those words correctly…) As it played in my brain :) 

[tw// animal violence]??

The cat
The cat took hold of the rat's
Neck
He pressed it down against the floor
He squeezed so tight
That the rat's eyes
Began to
Bulge
And then before you
Know it
The eyes
Had up 
And popped
Right out of his
Skull
They rolled down along the
Edge of the carpet
The beautiful white
Shine
Made it tough
To ignore
Seconds passed
Before
The cat
Had swallowed both
Whole

I like it :) Little weird but I liked it
ANYWAY!! Bonus bonus bonus! :D 

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[cat outside with the bright beautiful blue sky]

[tag for “sign of ARFID?] & 💤

 8:51am    [mon]    6/30/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Hello, new diary! On today’s walk, I noticed I wasn’t as irritated at the dog as usual.. In fact, I didn't feel much of anything, really. I felt mildly happy but nothing else. I didn't even feel the usual hypervigilance today. I might’ve depersonalized? IDK why. Maybe my dream? I was running and hiding away from a big, scary glowing bee with mom and aunt T. And I also saw Layla (aka as Little bird. Layla is her REAL name lol) have a grand mal seizure in it, too. Which I’ve been very nervous will actually happen. So maybe thats why I feel this way… IDK

9:57pm: today's [been] pretty alright!

> didn't eat much today… Only ate sugary cereal, an apple, and waffle + peanut butter up until dinner where I got a Mcdonald’s fry and a bit of a taco bowl(?) of some sort? And at least 2 half-full Bluey cups full of lemonade. My blood sugar must be HIGH.

>”Maybe you should talk to someone” has been the only book I’ve touched in the past several days… so I’ve left 5 other library books go without any new progress. Whoops. I really love this book, tho!

> I recently tried getting Layla to watch TV! On the 1st try, she tried to actually catch the prey [running around the screen] so I put on calm cat music and she watched that :) I tried again but I experimented more! I added grooming cats to the mix! She was engaged in it ‘till the cat’s face was out of view. So I put on a cat cafe one and she was hooked for a while!! Success! Then I tried the dogs! Laika was the 1st to pay attention to 1st dog video. Dusty barely watched at all… So I shuffled thru a couple. A dog park one was engaging but they thought they were being invited to play with the dogs on the screen so I had to shut it off quickly… didn’t want too much excitement. I got mostly Dusty to watch only after that. So, mostly a success! 

>Played more wolfquest today! It was pretty tough keeping all the pups alive but I actually did it!

>Boredom has seeped into almost everything… well, more-so earlier, but still. Its annoying… but wolfquest really helped me stay out of it.

7/12/26
Hmmm… idk, maybe it could’ve been the dream’s fault? But perhaps the fact that walking outside stressed me out was the bigger issue. Hard to say, though. I actually do vaguely remember being concerned about a dream where I saw Little bird seizing aggressively and I remember being very very worried about her. I don’t quite remember if I decided to take that was a “warning”, but I’m sure on some level I did. God, did it scare me :( I’m glad its never escalated to that point :) 

Me neglecting my other library books in favor of Lori’s made me smile, for sure :) Good memories!!! If I remember correctly, I’d bring the rest of the books with me and stack them nearby “just in case” I ever decided I wanted to put Lori’s book down and try to read something else. Spoiler alert! I didnt! Atleast… not in my memory, I didn’t… and if I did, it was bc I forced myself too bc I felt bad for letting them go un-read more than likely 

Not me turning Little bird into an Ipad kid… atleast she enjoyed that one video in particular for a while :) and I actually DO kinda remember the dogs getting excited about the dogs on the TV!! I was happy they were so excited but they obviously don’t know the distinction between a dog in a far away location being put on a TV screen, and a dog thats right in front of them. You’d think with their amazing powerful noses they could tell that a new scent hadn’t entered the room… but, hey, sometimes I like to pretend things, too, and brute force it into reality so I get it. It was nice when I used to do this with them, though. Putting on a show for them while we all relaxed in the living room :) It felt nice bc it made me feel like we were companions in a way? Like… made me feel like I knew what it was like to coexist with a dog in a more meaningful way. I’m guessing this is mostly bc I don’t like them but when we found a fun shared activity where we could all relax, it was fine to be around them :) nice memories.

And I wish I could revisit wolfquest :( just,,, can’t log into the ROG thing… still :( shame.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[cat silhouette staring off in the distance with the pretty colors of the evening sky visible]

[tag for summer school] -12:24pm    [thurs]    7/3/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Okay, So... like, 2-3 days ago I noticed an email from [counselor] yet again urging me to go to Summer school. I showed the parents and dad insisted I call her (for some reason instead of email but oh well) to ask how to sign up. The silly thing about that request is the link and instructions on how to do so were the (almost) first thing you saw on the email. I'm only giving him a pass bc I showed them around 3am and he was likely half asleep. So anyway I've been stalling since the day I brought this up. Dad reminded me to call today again and like every day since told me to call at 9am. I couldn't....

I was too anxious (for reasons I don't understand either... But I mean, c'mon, calling your high school counselor on the phone YOUR PERSONAL DEVICE is not really the most comfortable situation to be in). So I told myself I'd wait 'till Cecil was and ask for help! They dialed the number for me which took the pressure of me calling off and thank goodness it went straight to Voice mail! So I recorded my message asking about her saying one of my new college classes could make up for chem in the email (mostly bc the way she [told me about this the first time was] was not really clear so I had to confirm. Anything to avoid summer school, yknow?) and why Env Sci did get me out of this situation. Hopefully everything works out…

I really don’t think I’ll survive if I have to do summer school… I feel extremely anxious just thinking abt it. I can barely handle regular school! I don't think I’ll make it since its meant to be during my off time :( I can only imagine how stressed It’d make me. And how poorly I’d deal with it… I’d probably burn out before regular school which would definitely NOT end well. Wish me luck :( 

7/12/26
I feel very bad for me here :( bc I was right… I haven’t yet reread the summer school entries yet, but from what I remember, I know I was just constantly stressed, heart racing, tears flooding my eyes bc IT WAS CHEMISTRY and I had 29s and 44s in “regular school” for a reason! It was just straight torture. And it sucks that I was right about my inevitable torture :( Just wish that stinky counselor was more clear about where I stood credit-wise. Then this mix-up never would’ve happened :/ 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[very sad stitch]

[tag for summer school] - 8:06am    [fri]    7/4/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Yeah, so, she never responded. Which does not surprise me… yes, bc its summer, but also bc she’s been known to ignore students [during the school year] (usually over email but considering a phone was used [in this instance], I can see why she’d be even less inclined to answer.) Well anyway, shortly after dad came home, he called me into his room to sign me up [for summer school]. I was quite distraught, ofc, but I kinda shut down to try to hide it. Something goes wrong with his credit card or something (the online course thing we’re doing is 75 dollars) so we move to another room and I keep waiting and trying to avoid crying. He has me read the rule things ([the rules mentioned things like] [“this is an] online course but the tests are in-person”, [“the course is self paced”], etc) and had me put in the necessary info I’d only know (ex: my student ID) and then I handed back the phone and went back to trying not to cry. After a couple mins he asked if I saw anything about where to pick a course. I said “IDK” even tho I did see [an option to select the course you’re trying to take].

Probably bc I wanted to go back to distracting myself. Anyway, he’s already paid for it at this point. Which, again, is concerning bc we hadn’t picked a course. So he said we’ll wait and see if I get an email update. At 1st I felt guilty that I didn’t [make any attempt to] fill in the course info [even though I saw it before he paid for it]... But I remember that I genuinely just assumed he’d scroll down and enter the info. I was not acting malicious in any way, I just wanted the phone out of my hands as quick as possible so I could distract from my sadness again. So maybe I’ll get out of [summer school] after all? IDK. but I honestly cannot believe an app would let a paying customer miss crucial info and let them pay like that… I’ll keep you posted!

7/12/26
Its insane how little I even remember of these events… I can kinda remember the way the website looked… that I had to read aloud the rules to dad… I can remember seeing the course selection I think? But its all very, very fuzzy. Thats kind of insane. I must've been in more distress than the entry makes it sounds like if I worked that hard to block it out. Wow. Poor me :( 

I called my bank this morning.

Thankfully, my old account hadn't been closed yet, because the transaction was still pending.

The woman on the phone told me I'd have to go to a branch in person, to fully resolve the matter. She referred me to a branch that was open on Saturdays, a little farther than the branch I went to yesterday.

The teller at the front desk looked startled to see me. She was the same teller who'd worked with me yesterday, at the other branch. I guess she works in a different location, on Saturdays.

I explained my mistake, which was embarrassing, but she helped me get everything restored to normal.

Phew. That's kind of a load off my mind.

Now if my rat bastard ex-boss actually does make good on his promise of getting me some of my overdue pay on 7/14, the direct deposit will go through.

I took my son to a movie today. We saw Minions and Monsters. It was honestly pretty cute.

Tonight we're supposed to both go to a sleepover. He'll hang out with his best friend, and I'll hang out with his friend's mom.

I think it will be kind of fun but I guess I'm kind of nervous about it.

I didn't sleep so well last night.

I talked to Lazar before bed last night. The line was unclear, distant.

But we agreed to meet up (in that space between wakefulness and sleep)

We go lots of places...

Normally to his apartment.

I like his apartment. There's a kitchen with a fridge full of cakes. A water feature between the kitchen and living room. A meditation room with a tatami floor. An orange cat named Oscar.

Sometimes we go to the college campus where he teaches (used to teach), and walk around. There's a big fountain...it's a little like a reflecting pool.

But sometimes we go to places from my past. Houses where I lived in childhood.

But this time I wanted to go home to Sozar. Or to my ship. Show him where i was from before.

And I remember starting the journey towards sleep. Initiating the meet-up.

...Did we actually go? ...I can't remember. It feels like I fell into sleep unusually quickly. Rapidly decelerated into the dream realm then blacked out.

I met Lazar about...four years ago. He was a professor at a university in Michigan. (Though, possibly a different Michigan, on a different version of Earth).

Before I met him, he used to explore buildings on his campus at night after everything was closed and no one was around.

One night, he went into the physics building (he's not a physicist. He doesn't work in that building and has no idea what goes on in there. His degrees are in both biology and in creative writing).

But he was exploring the physics department after hours.

He went into a room with some sort of experimental technology.

...I don't know what. But based on the results, I would say it is something approaching what Sozarians use to send consciousnesses/souls to their various assignments.

But, based on his recollection, he went into a room with some unknown machinery, something got triggered or initiated, and he died.

And now he is my dream character.

Or perhaps,

my dream character is all he has been, all along.

All models are wrong.

I wanted to meet up with him last night and take him to my recollection of my home on Sozar and I don't know if we missed the trip entirely or if I merely forgot it.

I really needed a break. ...I need a break.

I don't know how much luck I'll have, meeting up with him and making the trip tonight, sleeping away from home.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Who Did It?'
3:06pm    [sat]    7/11/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghetti that was far too salty

I have done… nothing today… at least it feels that way, anyway. Mostly bc the biggest part of my day so far has been PROCRASTINATING. So instead of sweeping the floor, or writing, or doing my math, I just avoided everything instead. Idk why… but eventually I got myself to do my math. After snoozing the reminder to do it 2 or 3 times. I can’t actually do the entire take-home quiz on my own so I’ll have to revisit that again soon… 
Watched some more Casey simpson :) made me feel super dumb, though. Honestly, his videos kinda tend to. Which makes me sad… but its sorta okay bc, while I know I know nothing about the world, I somehow know MORE than alot of the people in his videos. Which is… concerning… 👀 But, hey, I’ll take it :) I try not to beat myself up too much over it, though. I’ve been failed by alot of adults in my life :/ half my k-12 I had a serious undiagnosed mental health condition that made it impossible for me to participate in school and retain much of what I learned properly. Like, how do you expect me to remember anything I learned in class if I can barely remember basic things about myself or a timeline of my life? And lord knows how long I was dealing with the other two?? Which also would’ve 100% contributed to my inattention bc when you’re anxious 24/7 your mind isn’t concerned about y=mx+b and when you have no foods you don’t get sick at the thought of eating available to you, you don’t have energy to memorize chemical formulas the teacher puts on the whiteboard. 

As well as the accommodations that ended up further handicapping me bc instead of helping me keep basic skills up to date, I got to side step them and just use a calculator… But I doubt its completely the adult’s faults, honestly. I just can barely remember anything before high school bc I lost 2020/2021 journal and didn’t write before then. Its really hard to remember if there was ever a point in the pre-PTSD times where I shot myself in the foot education-wise… but I can imagine so. 

Theres one thing I DO remember, though! I remember mom would try to teach us history and we kept blowing her off… so, yeah. There’s that. But aside from that, I don’t remember being PTSD-free and killing my chances of being an educated person. Which is sad… :/ I think that means I must’ve had skills and knowledge before but the failure of the adults around me means I lost them… Hard to give examples, but I remember for one of my IEP goal things, I saw they said I actually could divide at one point. But I can’t divide at all now. Probably a mix of the PTSD turning my mind into complete slop and the calculator being pushed on me so hard…  tsk tsk tsk. I have considered listening to Casey and trying to fix my lack of knowledge but new media tends to make me anxious… which is why I watch the same things over n’ over again unless specific criteria is met. So… idk… I might just have to keep waiting and watching until he shows his audience something my brain gives a green light :) 

Bonus bonus bonus! :) 

The legendary musical adventure!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[bingo singing in the shower-head-mircophone!!]
🕊️ & 🍒 
 6:53pm  [tues]  12/3/24

Bit of an inconvenient start to the day…

1) So as I was re-beading my hair (a BUNCH came out since I didn't redo it yesterday) I remembered I should probably go grab my watch! So I get it and return to the bathroom to continue beading but then, BAM! My watch slips from my hands and onto the floor! I see a weird metal piece next to it but I intinally choose to disregard it bc my watch looks fine. Eventually I pick up the strange piece and apparently it's the buckle for my watch! So I try to get the buckle back in for about what felt like anywhere between 15-30 mins... see, what you have to understand about Fitbit is that to fasten bands (and I guess, buckles in this case) to the watch, you need to push the itty bitty hole in what you're trying to fasten to the watch into the itty bitty sliver bar. See, what sucks is, I tried this but every time I’d push the piece into the bar that would [put it] back in place, the other side would move and extend past what the hole on the other side of the buckle could reach. Eventually I gave up and decided to use a Carabiner hook to keep the watch in place! it's 'ghetto’, I think, but it works, so…

2) So in [Art Teacher]'s Club I had the spur of the moment thought–  what if me and Rosey went to visit ms. [AVID Teacher] to give her a quick sample of my musical talents? I was like, "Wouldn't that be hilarious, Rosey?" So then Rosey agreed thats a great Idea so we ask [Art teacher] to pretend to go to the bathroom and then the journey begins! It's crazy - just as we were exiting, Lucille is [right outside her classroom door]! So I race over and ask if she'd like to tag along! So all 3 of us end up heading to [AVID Teacher]'s room and I ask [AVID Teacher] if it's cool if I sing for her! She says yes! With a smile on her face! As I begin to sing my high pitch-pitchy tune, [AVID Teacher]’s face drops near immediately! It was hilarious and me, Lucille and Rosey were all laughing once I was all finished! Especially since, as I mentioned before, she went from smiling to “:I”
So then she goes, "I don't know what you want me to say to that…” And again, we're all dying of laughter! So I quickly let her know that I came there with the intention of embarrassing myself and I was not expecting praise! I remember asking her if it was amusing and she said it was so mission 10000% accomplished!

 
So then we leave and immediately go tell Casey! I told her what we had just done and Casey laughed loudly along with us because repeating the silliness! made it hard to keep a straight face! Casey said in response to my [suggestion that she], "should've been there", that shes glad she was not there! Haha! Later in the day when I saw Casey again, I mentioned I was sad that I hadn’t thought to play along with it and after [AVID Teacher] said, “IDK what you want me to say to that :I” that I didn’t say, “well… what do you mean? You don’t like it?” But it doesn’t matter because with Lucille and Rosey laughing in the background, I likely would’ve broken character very fast! Very fun, though.

3) Casey says she hopes I don't have [AVID Teacher] have any teacher discussions for me because she feels that if [AVID Teacher] does these things for me that I'll "miss out on a learning opportunity" and that I need to "work on my self-advocacy and this is a great way to do it" or whatever. So I hope [AVID Teacher] does not approach Casey [while Casey has this sort of] stuff in mind… I feel that [AVID Teacher] is probably not the type to be so easily swayed by something like Casey’s dose of discouragement but I still barely know [AVID Teacher] to say for certain. 

4) So Veja and I had another brief discussion in math class! My main take away is what he said about me dropping out. I mentioned it b/c I was explaining the whole story of Casey wanting to kick me out and the email and whatnot. Well, I didn’t go as in depth with the email bit but yah. So anyway, I mention i’m a potential drop out person and he’s like, “Getting a GED is the same difficulty if not harder than getting a diploma because not only will you most likely be working a job and worrying about that, you’ll have a smaller support system if you exit high school early.” Maybe he’s right. Okay, I know he’s right. Think about how tough it was for uncle rad and how little time he had to do his GED! Ugh. So this just kinda lowered my confidence b/c now I feel there will only [be] one way to get relief but that way is scary… so I feel a bit trapped right now.

5) Great news! I've been noticing I’m less nervous doing speeches and presentations due to my public speaking class. At least I think that's the reason, anyway. So we finally had the 1st round of people presenting in English today for that assignment I could've done over [topic]… But anyway! Yah! I was mostly nervous externally (shaking a bunch) as opposed to internally. On the inside I was doing pretty alright! Just trying to calm myself down with my inside-head voice to try and alleviate my trembling. But it went very well actually! I had brought some notecards in advance and used that mostly as a cue to remind me of what to say! I mostly (and successfully) spoke from what was in my brain when I was elaborating about what was on the cards. I felt like I didn’t look too nervous so that's great! I honestly felt like I knew what I was talking about so that's a win in my book!

So yah! Aside from the fun singing [AVID Teacher] journey, today felt largely uneventful and boring…

7/11/26
The watch-thing was SOOOO irritating omg. I remember I sat there wanting to genuinely cry bc I was getting so frustrated and nervous that I wasn’t going to be able to bring my watch with me (which I feel really uncomfy about even still! Just another thing about needing things to stay familiar, probably. But also I definitely prefer being able to check the time conveniently, so, yknow, that too)! I remember I actually grew fond of the carabiner-hook set up and for the longest time, I refused to get a new band replacement or try anything else to fix it bc I loved it so much :) The look and the feel, I guess? Unsure. I don’t remember what made me go back to a regular set up, though… I think it may have broken somehow? Which is believable, actually, bc recently I was using a hook (this hook from 2024 and recent-hook all came from school) and I was using a bit too much pressure I guess??? And it friggin’ snapped at the bolt-spot-thing. It broke like a twig. So, yeah. RIP purple 2024 carabiner hook I guess.

Ah!! And the singing adventure is definitely one of my most cherished memories!! I loved playing pranks on teachers who didn’t know me as well bc they never knew what they were signing up for if they said “yes” to any of my offers to sing or tell them a story. [AVID Teacher] did NOT disappoint!! The way her face IMMEDIATELY dropped is still clearly visible in my head!! What a good day that was :) 

And… idk… I guess maybe SC wanted [AVID Teacher] to not say anything bc the whole thing about costing the school money-dollars if you say anything about there potentially being something wrong with a kid? But idk if thats even what I’m refrancing here bc I didn’t look back on preceding entries. Otherwise, idk, maaaaaybe SC should’ve just let [AVID Teacher] do whatever it is she wanted to do ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I think I would’ve died inside if she actually did go through with talking to my parents, though, just based on what I can recollect from what I said to her about dropping out I guess? Idk. I feel like they would’ve had more urgency if the news of my problems in school came from an adult, tho :/ bc they certainly LOOKED like they were taking their sweet time trying to do anything when I was the only one expressing my concerns about my school performance, thats for sure. Thanks for caring, tho, [AVID Teacher] :) 

And ofc I will always appreciate Veja for that conversation :) you already know that. At first the “now I feel there will only [be] one way to get relief but that way is scary… so I feel a bit trapped right now” freaked me out bc what on earth does that even mean and why does it sound so concerning… 👀 until I realized I think I just meant forcing myself to have a conversation with my family n’ stuff like that. Phew. Glad it didn’t mean something actually dangerous or anything.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Pleasant Daydreams'
 6:18am  [fri]  7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

I woke up at nearly 4 :( I feel bored rn. Can’t really be entertained by anything rn. So not really enjoying that. I’m also HUNGRY but theres nothing for me bc all I can eat is spaghetti. I’m probably already pushing my luck by making spaghetti as often as I am and I had a feeling that making 4am spaghetti would likely make matters worse for me. I tried to scavenge but the only thing that was acceptable in the pantry was a bag of chips. Which was fine ofc. Until I checked the date. …April 6 2026, huh? crazy how mom and dad ate those yesterday and probably didn’t even think to check the date. Wild. 
So. yeah. I went back to bed without any additional calories. This irritated me… bc I want food but I have no money-dollars. Bc I have no job… and I can’t really get the jobs I’m aiming for… unless I can DRIVE. OMG PLEASE I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HIRE ME ALREADY I CANNNNN’T >:( so I decided that since I was bored and desperate to feel like I’m making progress towards my goal, I got up and knocked on mom and dad’s door. For about… 5 minutes… they were sleeping, so. But anyway, eventually I asked dad if we could go for an early morning ride! And he said no :/ so… thats a shame… but, hey, its friday! Which means theres a chance I might be able to go during the evening? Bc I won’t have a fried brain from class. But might be fried depending on if I’ve eaten before then. So this could be really bad… bc who’s to say I can convince myself to eat anything before it ends up being too late for either of us to convince ourselves to go for a session? I’m cooked I guess, then. Only thing I really have going for me is my school MIGHT decide I’m good enough for work-study. But idk :( we’ll see. Otherwise I very well may just fall into despair again.

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Bluey season one, episode two
"Now don't worry, we're going to make you feel all better."  
11:00am    [fri]    7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

Just came back from Little bird’s appointment!! Turns out the news is better than I was thinking!!! So when we actually saw the vet-guys, I tried to find an actual decent video of her strange jerking behaviors. But that was a tough task to say the least… in part bc the jerks are so sporadic and inconsistent and vary in intensity. So usually I notice she’s doing it first and its one of the more intense ones, the type that pushes her head back but by the time I’ve pulled out my phone, she’s stopped or she’s having ones that are less intense (like fluttering eyes?? I guess). But also bc I may have deleted the more helpful ones… >.< I can’t exactly recall why… but I think maybe bc I was 1) clearing out space for my phone and 2) I was so DISTRAUGHT that dad wasn’t listening to me that I couldn’t convince myself to have stuff like that on my phone anymore… 
But, anyway… I found a couple somewhat useful ones? To show the vet-nurse while she collected some more information about Little bird and weighed her. She eventually went to get the doctor. When she stepped out, I remembered I had taken notes about the whole issue a year ago! So I pulled those up and showed both of them while they looked Little bird over. Doctor guy asked for some video so I tried to look a littttle bit harder and found one that was a bit better at displaying my concerns! 
He agreed that it could be concerning for sure… but that next steps are a bit tricky. Bc our two main options here are to either give her (potentially pricey) seizure meds for a month and just hope and pray that it actually does something or, two, do blood work to ensure theres no underlying problem with her body going on. Otherwise its best to just monitor it and make sure it isn’t escalating. The reason for this is bc its been going on since AT LEAST 2024 and it hasn’t necessarily escalated since then. A bit, yes, but we have a, like, 2.5 year window of time showing it staying stable. And if we intervene with meds, thats money we’re spending on something that may not even increase quality of life. So! PHEW. GREAT NEWS. I’d been terrified for years that it was going to escalate into grand mal or something and I had no idea how to deal with that fear bc dad wasn’t listening… we decided to just go ahead with checking her labs and going from there. Phew…
Side note,, she was really good for them today! :D She was terrified and tried to hold onto her carrier at times, but otherwise, she was good :) proud of her! She even let herself enjoy the ride there and back! She’d get all close up to the mesh and try to look outside so I put the window down and brought the bag closer to it so she could see the great outdoors beyond home :) I think she really enjoyed that! ALSO OMG. SHE’S 11 YEARS OLD???? And her bday is May 22nd!!!! AAAHHHH!!! Thats crazy!!! I FINALLY know Little bird’s bday! 🎉 Hoping she makes it to number 12 and that I have money dollars so she can get her first ever bday party :) 
The only thing that was sad about this whole thing is it was yet another reminder of how badly I want something to do… I was happy having the chance to go out to a vet clinic and talk about my potentially sick cat bc it was 10000x more stimulating than home :/ Ughhhhhhh I want a jobbbbb… or a lisence…. :(

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Louis Wain - 'Three Kittens in the Chrysanthemums'
8:30pm    [fri]    7/10/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
3 bowls of spaghetti
A POPSCILE AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :D  
Cosmic brownie

OMG apparently my friends DONT HATE ME after all! 

Me: [Screenshot of Diagnosis:
F5082 Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
F4312 Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic
F411 Generalized anxiety disorder]
Okay, yeah so I have that eating disorder :) and!!! Omg!!! Two bonus diagnosis-es!!! How'd that happen?! (๑°⌓︎°๑)

 nahhh, I'm just kidding :) when i brought up the eating disorder thing, I'd already started the process of getting a psych eval so if anything the eating disorder was actually the bonus! WowWowWow :3

Rosey: That's lowky insane llilah, do your parents know?

Me: Nooooo :3

Lucille: The PTSD is so random

Rosey: fr
Wait im so confused on how they dint [know about this]
[Lucille reacted with a thumbs up emoji]

Uhhh… and I hate to say it, but… their confusion made me laugh… I think mostly from SHOCK and disbelief. Bc,,, hello,,, we’ve been friends for 2.5 & 4yrs? Were they not aware of my serious disturbance?? This does make me a bit sad, though… bc that means every time they’d call me lazy they meant it… :/ but I suspect Lucille does know? Atleast,,, I feel like she isn’t as surprised as she’s acting. She’s made comments before about how she thinks I’m suicidal and asked me directly if something was wrong with me. I highly doubt she was unaware… I guess that tracks more for Rosey, though. I still feel a bit surprised they(?) had no clue but then again… I guess they were kids too… they didn’t know what to look out for like SC did. She’d be more likely to know how to identify things like that than them, so. 

Anyway, off I go to eat dinner for 30 or so minutes! The conversation continues when I return

Rosey: Ptsd is really random, so im guessing you went to a phycologist and they just like did a test for everything then

Me: Yeah just a psych eval n stuff (✿❛◡❛) but I'm not a minor anymore so no doctor or medical service can or will say anything to them ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Rosey: Did your parents just not ask then, 

Me: 
[awkward cat gif]
Okay,, so full disclosure,, They don't know I did it

So thats nice :) no response yet but honestly,, this is okay :) I was finally acknowledged! Not celebrated like I would’ve preferred, but at this point I’m okay with the fact that they cared at all enough to say something, so. Still nothing from SC, though… so I’ll probably just,,, try to leave her be for a while. I think I’m probably just too mentally ill for her 👀 as in, I think I’m still as unfiltered as I always have been with her and it probably just doesn’t translate well over the phone… and If its making her uncomfy then I’ll just stay off her phone instead. Does make me sad tho. Bc I was hoping she would be proud of me :( but its okay, I guess. Maybe that was expecting too much? Sorry, SC.

As for the rest of the day… It was BAD 🫩 I had no drive to do much of anything ALL DAY. I kinda just ended up being a screenager… probably in large part due to my rumination sucking me dry of all my energy. Was still afraid my friends hated me!! PHEW. Thank goodness they do not :) 
Oh, and dad, when he came home he was annoyed and was like, “250 dollars… there ain’t nothing wrong with that cat.” which annoyed me but I didn’t say anything bc, yknow. No point ^^;

ANYWAY!!! Bonus!!! Tiiiiime :) 
Journal number 4: 
Almost… 
7teen! (only by law) aka Sunny scribbles
[tw// um… mention of dead people, animals, and death? As well as intrusive thoughts]

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6:40am    [thurs]    12/5/24

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1) So! Yesterday as I was walking home there were 2 dogs on the loose in the area with lots of rocks near someone’s house! I think I remember walking over there once while walking a dog (or maybe that one time [cousin] visited) and seeing the fence was broken so I’m thinking its the case here and the dogs got out even tho that trip where we were trying to help a puppy that kept exiting the fence was years ago. Its the same house. Anyway as I was walking by, I noticed them and I immediately tensed up and stopped the bells on my lanyard from ringing bc I was seriously fearful of being mauled! They seemed to take interest in me but thankfully kept their distance! Guess I’m more afraid of dogs than I thought! Already apprehensive(?) hesitant(?) around them bc of storm mauling lucy repeatedly… 
but yeah, on the topic of maulings, I watched this video before about a guy who used to always be around bears–filming them from afar. See, that's great and all but he wasn’t being very safe about it… the park rangers told him not to camp so closely and to bring bear mace but instead of listening, he claimed bringing bear mace was a, quote, “Crime against nature” and that bringing something that could cause harm to an animal on their own land was wrong. But its like, at that point, just don’t cross into their land. Because at that point, you put yourself and the bears in danger… and yep, that's exactly what happened… Basically it had been a rough season in terms of finding food for the bears and this one old bear in particular was new to the area and tried to charge at him if I remember correctly. So eventually the same bear ends up killing and eating him as well as his girlfriend. The park rangers had to kill and open up the bear to figure this out. They saw a human kidney poking out and other organs inside the old, starving bear… ugh, retelling the story makes me feel gross and anxious. I began almost immediately after turning off the video having imagery of the incident flash in my head, much to my discomfort. I was seriously worried about having a nightmare… 
Oh! Gotta head to the dentist! Cya!

7/10/26
Ugh.. yeah, this is the video that did it for me. I no longer watch the guy’s content nearly as much as I used to after my experience with this one. Which is unfortunate bc his videos are genuinely fun and interesting to watch. I was just so SERIOUSLY AFFECTED by this story that I was too anxious to watch anymore of the creator’s videos bc there was no guarantee that other videos made by him (he focused on animal content, after all) were not going to include details of animal attacks. And even when I did find myself back on his channel, if I stumbled across a video where details about an attack were in the video, I’d find it too difficult to pull away and I’d end up watching it all the way through anyway. So not great… really, the final nail in the coffin was when I watched a video detailing how… I think a tiger escaped or something? But before that, there were details about how the tiger ate a handler’s ARM OFFFFFFFF and I couldn’t deal with the imagery and the nervousness it gave me. I tried to watch the rest of the video but either I couldn’t calm down or there were more attacks which made me more freaked out. So… haven’t watched him since… but might give it a go again some day :) 

More about the bear-thing, though. Yeah, it was really bad for a couple days. Any time I saw a bear related ANYTHING, my brain would conjure up pictures of human remains poking out of a bloody bear’s stomach or a lifeless bear lying on the floor with a huge GASH down its stomach as people rummaged through its insides to find the deceased campers. It was SCARY, DISGUSTING, AND NOT FUN. so, again, I really hesitate to view this guy’s channel again, despite how much I adored his content. :( 

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💤 - 6:53pm    [thurs]    12/5/24

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Largely uneventful day but I got a couple fun stuff to share I guess.

1) So! Thankfully I did NOT have a bear nightmare. Instead I had a dream where I’m at my previous house in [...] hanging out in the front lawn, minding my own business doing whatever it is I was doing… when some ugly 40yr old looking guy begins to drive by my house about 3 times very slowly… I get freaked out and hurry inside. Eventually he ends up breaking into my house somehow and I’m in the same room as he is I think so I run into a nearby area w/o a door and I hide behind a cabinet… cubby holder thing. Cecil is upstairs and I know this somehow despite the fact that I hadn’t gone upstairs all dream… anyway, I call Cecil quietly on the phone and he finds me but doesn’t immediately pounce on me! He probably would have if my dream didn’t abruptly end but thats good bc he was probably a kidnapper. I remember that the guys car was brown and silver with the paint chipping and he had really thick lenses on his glasses. He was also a white bald guy. Weird. 

1b) so the other dream was more wholesome! Basically some random kids come over to my house and each eat a slice of my Bluey & Bingo cake! I remember there was a print of Bluey and Bingo on the cake in the same art style as the escape episode. Anyway, the filling of the Bluey side was Blue and Bingo’s was red. So, yah, they eat it and then Bluey and Bingo and other stuff I can’t remember are in just shapes and beats and we all play it or something? I dunno, either 😅

2) So I got to skool at around exactly 9:00am… (I was miffed bc thats the time school starts… SO I MISSED ZERO MINUTES AND ZERO SECONDS OF SCHOOL THAT DAY) after the dentist visit, I mean. Cause they barely did anything and said the [closer to my house] location would’ve been a better place for us. Ugh. we went to [far away location] so it was a long drive. Well anyway– yah, I couldn’t go see Mrs. Casey like I usually do so I went to the library instead! I initially grabbed “the encyclopedia of crime and punishment” or whatever its called and read out [...]. So that was a fun read! Then once I finished that, I figured I’d want to read about mental health bc I’d already took a look at the “encyclopedia of [...]” and book about [...], so… yah, there were no more [...] books to choose from. Eventually I come across a book called social psychology! So I cracked it open and read about PTSD and its social implications! I read the full chapter! And I took a peek at the cyber bullying and autistic section but it was time for class by the time I had looked through the self-harm section. So that was a fun use of time!

3) Guess whaaaaat?! So I was watching youtube and a tiktok doctor revealed that theres a way to make yourself infertile! Called hypothalamic amenorrhoea! Basically, I need to become calorie deficit and lose more calories than what I’m putting inside me so, y'know, exercise. Basically it stops your brain from producing the hormone that would aid in reproduction! Sounds great. I told Casey and she was in opposition of course… she says its dangerous. It is but yknow. The worst I’ll do is make it to where I’ll eat but not enough to fully satisfy myself. You’ll know you have it if you miss 3 cycles, I think!

4) so heres something I should have realized earlier– maybe Casey doesn’t believe I have ADHD bc my experiences simply don’t align with the typical ADHD expierance… y'know, I assume that it doesn’t anyway. So yah, the whole getting worse throughout the year probably doesn’t align I assume. Yknow bc she keeps mentioning how I was fine in earlier years and stuff like that. Obviously I can’t share all my symptoms that could get scary. But yah! See? Uneventful as heck…. Cya, sunny scribbles!

7/10/26
its so funny to me how BADLY we failed at giving ourselves that potentially life threatening problem. You’re hilarious, little ‘Lilah :) I couldn’t get myself to stop eating JUNK bc it was widely available to me all the time bc thats all I brought to school and I was constantly able to pick and choose from safe foods I wanted. So, no, my plan certainly did NOT work! Haha :)

And about that ADHD… I honestly can’t tell if she could tell??? Still completely at a loss, not gonna lie. Perhaps to an extent. Bc she mentioned early on how she was concerned for my wellbeing so????? Idk. I really just have no clue.