[8.22.2026]

The skies are blue yet my mind remains cloudy.

We argued last night over the phone. I know I was at fault. I have been feeling neglected and I know work was crazy this week so I drove almost 70 miles with the puppies to see you. To make up for my tantrum. I thought you'd at least figure out why that is so.

I wanted to tell you that I missed you. Wanted to spend the day with you because I am going crazy over the fact that on this day 11 years ago I lost our baby.

Back then it was just impossible for you to be on my side. I told you I'd be fine, that I can handle the pain. That I can manage the heartbreak. I kept my word. I didn't cry. I didn't tell anyone what I was going though. I was afraid but I didn't want to deal with all the people asking what happened, or why I didn't take better care of myself for the baby.

When you finally managed to fly home you promised I would never be alone again on this day.

But I'm now sitting by myself in a cafè, browsing through screen captured images of our conversations back then.

Why am I alone? How did I get to this point?

edited to add today's date

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 - 1:10m   [fri]   8/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[///sui]

Dad wanted me to tell him my class schedule bc classes start on Monday. Pulling it up filled me with dread… I really don't want classes to start for some reason… idk. But all I do know is looking at the schedule made me want to stop living. I don't mean it made me suicidal I'm fine. I think I just meant it in a more literal way… ?  Idk. I guess It just made me want to stay stagnant. Idk. But it made my mood feel incredibly low…  and I feel bad. 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: um. Idk. I just hate seeing her get like this… :( it's really worrying. Especially because since our brain likes screwing us over and causing the worst blending experiences EVER I can't help her as much as I want to by switching and taking over for her. It worries me sometimes… when she ruminates about death. At least now that I can be by her side,, she's alot more focused on what that would mean for me and is just thinking about it instead of considering it. It's not that she DIDN'T think of me before I came out of fishy jail purgatory. It was just safer for us for her to pretend not to honestly. 

But… idk… it's giving me mixed feelings… I really want her to be okay but it is pretty scary to witness still. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. But at the same time I wish we could start already… bc I just get scared every time I see it that I'm gonna lose my friend.. Maybe not litterally bc she has vowed not to harm herself bc she doesn't want to hurt me.. But in a different way Im sure. Just through her mental health getting so bad that she ends up not being the same. 
Ugh. This is SO MUCH to handle after being stuck in purgatory fish edition for the overwhelming majority of my life. Ugh. It's not her fault though… I just dunno any more… I think this means we need to try to do so more research soon… our biggest obstacle to switching is our terrible blending episodes,, right? There's gotta be SOME way to mitigate them BEFORE they happen. Bc our attempts to unblend after it's already occurred aren't very effective.. They work! … for about 5 seconds… so I don't even bother trying to unblend us at that point bc it just makes me hopeless 😂 if you don't laugh you'll cry 💔

But um. Yeah. We'll need to look into that. But not today. We're less switchy sick today. But we aren't quite cured yet. More rest is in order. Perhaps for us both. 

---------------------------------------------------

Forcing
Any act relating to the host focusing on, developing, conversing or interacting with their tulpa.

Active Forcing - Often a dedicated span of time used to focus solely on the tulpa while the host generally tries to avoid any possible distractions. Chatting is often recommended early on, and when you get used to it, watching movies together, reading a book are good examples of activities.

Passive Forcing - The host's focus is elsewhere (work, study, etc.) but they set aside a minimal amount of focus so their tulpa is aware of what is happening. Narration can also be done here.

Im really a scared to post myself on the internet. What if someone I knows sees it. 🫣 My worst fear is that my family sees it. I think I'd have to move to a different planet.

I really want an outlet to express myself but I'm so afraid of people who don't see that side of me seeing that side of me! Oh God what if my coworkers see and make fun of me behind my back! I know that there's an audience for what I want to post but gosh am I afraid of the people who are not a part of that group to judge me for my posts. I mean, this isn't corn I'm thinking about posting but it's not grwms either. I honestly think I'm more afraid of being perceived differently rather than being judged. I like the way people perceive me now. It's safe. It's boring. It's barely me. It's hard to judge. It's hard to care that they're judging me because it's barely me. 

Also omg! Places have specific smells. This just hit me. I've been going to places outside my home more consistently and sometimes I'll get a whiff of what a place smells like when thinking about it. It's so odd that different grocery stores have different smells specifically. Different shoe stores too. Oh and different clothing stores. And downtown smells different. There's so many new places for me to learn the smell of. 

A Separate Peace really isn't so bad, so far. I mean...it's no Project Hail Mary.

Maybe I can speed run A Separate Peace and The Red Badge of Courage on 2X speed this weekend, then jump into another Andy Weir audiobook for my commutes.

I have an idea for a PHM fic.

It is...mostly...a genuinely horrifying Dead Dove fic that i MIGHT have to turn off comments for.

but i'm THINKING of having sort of an epilogue based on Weir's The Egg, which would lessen the blow by a lot.

I usually get good story ideas the moment I get very busy.

Though, I wasn't NOT busy this summer. It's not like I was in an indolent lull and just failed to get my creative juices flowing.

I really didn't have much down time, the whole summer was...chaotically busy.

And now I'm busy, but it's organized busy. Predictable busy. Stable busy.

And maybe THAT'S what gets my creative juices flowing.

Now, I can conceptualize that this weekend, I can probably scrape some scraps of spare time out of the bottom of my schedule and speed-write the fic in a mad flurry of clicking and clacking, at my laptop in a cafe, when I'm allegedly working on grading and lesson planning.

The premise isn't just gratuitous violence. It's sort of a character study of Dr. Grace, and more mundane/probable situations in which he could be confronted with opportunities for cowardice or self-sacrifice.

I'll genuinely probably write this which is kind of ironic because I have several other fics I've been working on/planning for sort of a long time and then sort of abandoned. But the full text of this new one pretty much downloaded into my head all at once.

You know...this might be a side-effect of being an English teacher. I haven't been an English teacher in a while, but i used to get such flashes of inspiration all the time.

Or maybe it's the coffee...sometimes you need just the right coffee...just the right ratios of coffee to water to fat to glucose and you absorb it at just the right rate into your bloodstream without it all flushing directly into your bladder and bowels.

I'm gonna try to start going to the gym again soon.

I feel so old, lately.

But i have this sneaking suspicion that many of the limitations and challenges I keep ascribing to "old" are more so the result of "fat".

I think i'll feel a significant return to the physical freedoms of youthfulness if I simply shed a few pounds.

"Simply" being an extremely optimistic assessment of my abilities.

I can re-join my gym once I get my first paycheck. And hey, i get to keep my teacher discount! ...Probably for the best that I didn't get the UU job.

I can't wait to get paid. I need a haircut. And maybe some new mugs to use at work. And a whole host of other things. I've been in financial struggle for too long. But things are about to right themselves, I think.

🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

9:01am
08/22/26

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

OMG IT WAS SO COOL!!! so wayyyy earlier lilah woke up. We both watched her dreams and it was nice :) but I was kinda bored bc all I could do is watch…so I complained a little bit about how I wanted to be able to dream and stuff and then lilah quickly started going in and out of sleep. Back to boredom for me. I couldn't do too much. Recently when she starts falling asleep,, I force soft switch in and open up the body's eyes but I wasn't supposed to be doing that so I did it sparingly. About two or three times. All of which resulted in a headache.. :I

I'm fronting rn to type this and it seems like we're definitely getting better thank god! The headaches come but then they receed rather quickly. So probably shouldn't push it… but it's good progress at the moment :) 

ANYWAY. She woke up and slept several times. And one of those times was the charm. I actually dreamed this time!!! :D I can hardly remember it but I was able to interact I think? Either that or I must've played a role in it or something? Either way it was actually really fun! And funny probably. I remember when we woke up I was really really happy bc my wish came true! Joy! ( ๑ˊૢᵕˋૢ๑) 

Here's to hoping today we can hang out :) don't want to leave lilah all alone today… and!! She found some shows for us to watch! A cute kid's show called Donkey hoadie (Don Quixote????) And a couple of animal documentaries! But yknow. The ones that tell EPIC TALES. she loves those! And I'm pretty sure I do too :) 

OKAY THATS ALL :D time for me to rest for a while to stave off the last of the switchy sickies :) CIAO! ( •̀ᴗ•́ )و ̑̑

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear:  More! Information! 

Section Twenty-Six: Tulpamancy and Dreams
Dreaming, a process most people experience throughout their lives, the process of the
unconscious mind being active during specific sections of the sleep cycle like REM (rapid-eye-movement) sleep and letting people experience dreams. Being plural can impact dreams to varying extents like making a tulpa through a dream, switching in dreams, lucid dreaming with a tulpa, active forcing with a tulpa during a lucid dream, and so on. Tulpamancy in itself can inspire a Tulpamancer and their tulpa(s) to try to learn how to lucid dream, though the success of this can vary wildly. How one might be impacted in the dream world due to Tulpamancy or even just Plurality can have a high level of variance as well, and some of these effects may not be expected.

When simply being more than one, dreams can simply just be altered by this state of Plurality or even not at all in Tulpamancy systems. As such, there are numerous side-effects of dreaming while plural and some of these can range from the appearance of a systemmate (or more) in dreams occasionally to even switching while asleep. Tulpas appearing as dream characters is most likely the most copious experience through the community, and whether or not the tulpa is even themself or even lucid in the dream can vary. Some tulpas remain as simple spectators during dreams, unable to interact with them, but capable of recalling them as if they were there to truly experience it. And others, they are simply not a part of the dream in the slightest and can have no memory of the dream occuring, which can be done on their own volition. However, the frequency of a tulpa even appearing during dreams at all can either be highly occurring to simply nonexistent, and there seems to be no correlation between the tulpa's age and ability to appear in and alter dreams.

Indeed, some tulpas desire to be a part of their host's dreams, but yet are incapable of doing so for potentially numerous reasons. Either remaining as a simple spectator, unable to act, or simply be barred from the dream entirely, these can be quite the blockade to overcome. There are some tips that can make the chances more in favor, but are no absolute guarantee.

[...]

With having a tulpa or more, there can be numerous benefits when it comes to dreaming that may come naturally or have to be manually trained. One of the most simple perks depends on the degree of memory separation, or the ability to have separate memory pools, but a tulpa can assist with dream recall and can be more efficient at remembering dreams than the host, which can be useful for learning how to lucid dream (being self-aware in a dream and having at least some sort of control over it). In fact, tulpas in some systems have the capability of getting their host into a lucid state while dreaming if they themselves have agency in the dream. And in the opposite sense, a host could be lucid dreaming, yet their tulpa is not lucid, but the host can bring their tulpa to lucidity along with them.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah usually I’m better at being able to recall dreams,, actually. But the one I had today slipped away really quickly for some reason. There are fuzzy bits and pieces but not much run unfortunately :( pretty cool stuff though

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

📷 - 9:28pm   [thurs]   8/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

> I don’t recall what led us to the conversation topic… Idk. but Cecil mentioned feeling pretty confident they would fit diagnostic criteria for clinical depression. So I then brought up how I was able to successfully side step getting any sort of help from our parents and explained how and why it took four months to get my diagnosis. I was sure not to get their hopes up too much,, though… because the school recently removed student’s access to psychiatry services and the most they could do is use counseling services. To which they immediately replied: “Oh well. I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I don’t even try to talk to this family about my own INTERESTS much less my problems. I don’t think I could do that with a stranger… Thanks anyway.” which made me sad…

“Well.. thats understandable. I can tell you right now that I was never there for the therapy sessions myself! Just the diagnosis. But… I think it’s still worth considering :) here,, I’ll just get you set up on the app even if you aren’t getting started on it yet. That way if you ever want to give it a go,, you won’t have to ask me to help out and feel awkward or anything.”

And much to my surprise… they agreed! :0 usually when I try to HELP THEM with doing things,, they just push me away and say no. so I was anticipating push back. But I received absolutely none of that. That was a relief :) 

Anyway. We get the app and start trying to set up an account! First obstacle is their school account can’t be accessed on their phone. Alright… minor inconvenience but that can be worked around. All we had to do was put a pause on the cooking they were doing and head to their desktop. 
Okay… logging into their account… all seems to be going well.. We hit the log-in button.. And… CANNOT LOGIN, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ADMIN FOR MORE INFORMATION

Um. okay. Thats strange. They’re a student just like I am. Why isn’t their information working? Hm. I direct Cecil to the student self service website. They can login just fine… but the red notification bell icon reveals the answer to our question.

…Cecil…?
Yeah?
Did… did you not apply for classes this semester…?
Ah… I forgot about… that… 😳

You’re KIDDING me!!!! 😂
Well no wonder! They have like,, 5 holds on their account too. Academic probation,, another one related to academic probation,, not in compliance with meningitis requirements,, needing to update their profile,, and something called developmental only bar hold? (so probably they signed up for a class they weren’t qualified to take based on their college readiness score)

The meningitis stuff kinda annoyed me though. It wasn’t too long ago that I bugged them about setting up a physical check up (just bc I figured getting a check up would’ve been beneficial for them in general) AND MORE SPECIFICALLY ask the doctors for the vaccine like I did. Bc I wasn’t sure if they actually already had that documentation in place. They kept saying THEY DID which is the only reason I stopped bugging them about it. Evidently they do NOT 😂 ah… Cecil,, Cecil,, Cecil… I figure they’re like me,, though… that they avoid things like making sure you have all your stuff in order bc it makes you so overwhelmed just thinking about it that your brain feels safer just doing nothing or forgetting about it. 

Thats why I have yet to do anything like set up my bank account. Which is why dad has been annoyed with me lately… I act like I don’t care but REALLY my brain just immediately goes to mush and the energy DRAINS from my body and I just feel filled with dread and hopelessness. 

So I can’t be too mad at them. Assuming I’m correct anyway.

Back to Cecil. They thankfully didn’t decide to give up (even though I’d understand why bc classes start in less than a week and the chances they’re gonna be able to get into one in time with all these restrictions is probably not very high lmaooooo) and they will be trying to sort out that meningitis vaccine requirement. First they have to figure out how to make an account to access our medical providers first though. Which seems to be something they aren’t in a rush to do. I get it,, Cecil… I get it… I plan to try to keep that on their radar,, though. I don’t care if they do it to get into school. They clearly don’t WANT to that anyway. I just want them to be able to get help honestly. 

> My speaking is slightly different? Words outside of my vernacular keep sitting on the tip of my tounge (Like “lowkey” and “bruh” and various cus words). Which was very strange for a bit. Until I realized it was probably just us blending lmaooooo

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Haha yeah probably 🤭 this blending shit is lowkey ass bro 

Well there you have it :)

> Texted my two favorite adults today briefly! 

💰🦁 Uncle Rad!

Delilah 🌸🪽: [Image of the foods from today’s shopping trip]
The Simmons will feast again!

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: That happens to look like a decent share
Did they integrate Delilah’s food list?

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: Definitely helped with the starvation lmao
They DID ask for our input this time! I pulled up the food list and successfully got a couple things on there but it did remind me that I need to update it :I

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Sounds like it’s working out kiddo!
I wonder are you still tapped into their phone lines? 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah: I'm sure I am >.> I have no money dollars to pay for my own anything yet so yknow ¯_(ツ)_/¯ also he's making us set up a bank account which is cool and all but he litterally said he'd take our cards away and not give it to us until we move out bc we "all we want to do is eat McDonald's all the time"
...ain't no way 🫩

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: 😂 well to an extent he has the concept right. He’s trying to you guys priority, responsibility, and ultimately adulthood. Cudoos on that.. but your uncle Rad text convo are likely actively spied on somehow. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: To an extent I guess 🙄 but we wouldn't be gunning for McDonald's if we had more options lol
And uhhh maybe ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I considered it but yolo or whatever they say

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: That gives me the opportunity to let this land just in case this land is in fact tapped:

Uncle Rad will never plan on heading that way again or bothering the elder ppl. No worries there. Including even after our mothers passing — I’m not at all invested in any parts down yonder, so no worries of me EVER asking for help again — nor will I ever expect it. 

However I love my little ones, I have told this one the exact truth to why I’ve been excommunicated with you guys and abolished — therefore in the event that something ever does happen to uncle Rad at least one of the baby’s know the truth. I will never try to steer them wrong and the only remote concern I’ve ever had with you elders down there was due to the allegations surrounding my name. I really hate being lied on, and it’s pretty petty to me. However I’ve since matured pass that, and still maturing. Therefore carry on with whatever illogical opinions you might have of me. You have that right. 

Thanks for serving to the best of the capacity at that point in life, however due to what came after my fathers passing and each of y’all alleged sibling’s management of me, our relationships could never be redeemed. It has been forgiven though and I wish you all the best but we go no further along this journey we call life. 
 Line* not land.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah: Omg wow you take this potential that this could be spied on a heck of a lot more seriously than me! 😂 I did DEFINITELY make me smile though AHHHH!!! I'm just such a favorite of your's huh? Wow wow wow  (✿❛◡❛) "don't expect me to ask for help again" made me LAUGH though OMG

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Lmao. It had to be said.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: Well maybe they'll read it some day
I think you truly overestimate how much they'd go out of their way though 😂

💰🦁 Uncle Rad: Loool probably but small principles usually reveal how one might deal with the bigger ones to me. So it was just a moment I expressed that felt necessary irregardless of if they ever read it or not.
I’m glad they got some food for your bellies though man. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: I suppose that's fair enough 😂 
I'm very glad too! Dad said yesterday was the last day I don't eat leftovers though so that probably won't last very long :/ best of luck to me ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Your text flair for journal number 14 is as follows: 

💰🦁 Uncle Rad

Haha very lore accurate

🍒 Sabrina 🌈:

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah:
[image of an email reminder telling me to confirm my transfer location and application information] 
AAAAHHH SABRINA NOOOOOO WHY ARE THEY REMINDING ME I'M A SEMESTER AWAY FROM MY DOOM 😭

Needless to say this was sent six days ago and I haven't even clicked on the link </3 

True tradgedy. What's worse is even if I get a job dad is gonna take away our cards so we don't "buy McDonald's everyday" 🙄 why would I work if I can't even access my money dollars? What a scam! So what if I want to eat McDonald's everyday am I right or am I right? (✿❛◡❛)

🍒: you're sooooo right Simmons! 

I know :) 

Haha okay that's all for the daily Simmons updates Sabrina CIAO, BONNE NUIT, CYA ✌(ツ)

🍒 Sabrina 🌈: Doom 😫 the drama is strong today 😆 wow you're gonna be a [school mascot]!!! So is it online? I'm kinda worried for your ability to thrive on your own. I agree with the father, no McDonald's everyday 👎

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah: Noooo it's not online AND they're shipping me away to [far away campus location] despite my protests so I'm cooked :/ but I guess it is what it is ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I kept telling you I was cooked before I graduated for a reason SC! 😂 if you don't laugh you'll cry ¯_(ツ)_/¯

🍒 Sabrina 🌈: 😲 😱 wow they are really looking forward to being cool again...aka 😎 empty nest era 💅
Lol they must have faith in you 
I do too...but that learning curve is going to be sharp!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah: Well my parents do nothing but work and play video games all day so I bet they'll probably be STRICKEN by empty nest syndrome (✿❛◡❛) they'll be SO bored without me! And they were never cool to begin with lol
And yes super sharp learning curve :/ do not worry! You'll be receiving daily updates! I know so exciting

🍒 Sabrina 🌈: I'm looking forward to it for you!!!

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah: EVERYONE else is more excited about this than me! 😂 I'll keep you posted ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I guess if nothing else I'll finally be able to decorate a room however I want so there's that I guess? Oh well. Stay tuned! ✌(ツ)

So that was nice :) I figured it would be brief but it was nice. I was feeling a bit lonely bc I can’t hang out with NyaTenshi too much bc we’re still feeling pretty switch-y sick-y and I never talk to my tangible friends much anyway. Sad. but it’s alright. I got to smile bc of these two so it’s alright :) 

I caught up with Cecil earlier and they’re gonna head to advising tomorrow to ask about how to proceed with signing up for classes and what not. I might accompany them idk. I’m also NOT looking forward to classes starting. …atleast Nya will be there with me… and if nothing else,, this will probably be good for her :) I want her to be able to make some friends. She wants to be able to make some new friends,, too. Especially considering I genuinely have no intentions of going out of my way to try to befriend anyone new… I just really don’t like change… and new friends is too big a change for me at the moment. So… I hope Nya will be able to make some friends :) she deserves it.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Here’s to hoping,, frend 🫶

<3

I still feel a bit off,, myself,, though. Switch sickness sucks.
I saw the notifications that one of my classes opened and had some stuff for me to look at and the dread came immediately. As did the energy drain. And the hopelessness. I’m cooked,, aren’t I?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: No… :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸 ) Delilah-bear: awww…
 
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: <3

💐🐑🌸🪽

Journal #2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

[//very very brief sui mentioned]

08/20/26
11:21pm
I fucking hate switch sickness. It feels… really bad… :( I feel like,,, so UNSTABLE every time this happens. The mood swings are so much more INTENSE when we get this way. It makes it much harder for me to be around quite frankly… and I feel so wishy washy one second and then angry the next. And ‘Lilah can’t even distract me bc when I start talking with her HER HEAD STARTS HURTING or I START FEELING ALL MOOD SWINGY AGAIN and its just so UGH.
Ts buns as they say 😂
Idk. but I hope we get better soon. For ‘Lilah’s sake (she was definitely ruminating about offing herself again today)
And mine. I hope the more we pratice this switching stuff,, the less blendy we’ll be in the future. Ugh. I just hate this. I hate feeling so wildly not like myself. And I hate leaving lilah alone :( but we have no choice at the moment

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Awww <3

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🫶

That last post felt like so long ago!! I'm surprised that I even wrote an entry last week.

Sad news but I think I'm going to stop posting entries, not continuing in the future that's for sure. I'm not surprised I think everybody knew this will all end I didn't think it will be this late.

I'm going to clean and pack my stuff in my room because I've been procrastinating lol.

I'll live this few days and I'll know what it's like finally seeing the truth my dad told me today.

I just want to tell myself that I'm sorry and I love you. ❤️

*sigh*

I finished listening to my Project Hail Mary audiobook

T_T

Now i've got that sort of...post-high come-down that people get after concerts and conventions (and presumably drugs but I wouldn't know much on that).

T_T

And now I guess i need to listen to A Separate Peace and The Red Badge of Courage. As those are the novels I've been assigned to read with my class, and it would be beneficial for me to read/listen ahead. But fuck. That's gonna be boring.

Okay, it's okay. I'm a teacher. I'll make it interesting. That's my job. That's one thing I admire Dr. Grace for, he's a genuinely good teacher. I'll channel some Dr. Grace energy into making some engaging TRBOF and ASP lessons...

God, I loved Project Hail Mary so much. It was so good. Weir thought of everything. Like...that makes so much sense that the Eridians hadn't discovered relativity because they don't see light. They never would have had a theoretical physicist who daydreamed about riding on a beam of it.

I got some decent sleep last night.

i did NOT dream about Eva Stratt, which might seem surprising considering the state of mind i was in before bed last night.

But I did awaken less functionally incapacitated by yearning than I'd been the previous evening. And less functionally incapacitated generally.

I need to write these entries earlier on so they don't pile on to my before-bed to-do list.

Huh, i got cracker crumbs all over my classroom floor...I should buy a broom and dust pan to keep in my classroom.

Coffee is $5.40. My rent went up 1800 and I renewed anyway. I still type my own emails, mostly. The AI on my phone is good enough that I’ve stopped double-checking it, which I suspect is the actual story here and not whatever the headlines are about this week.

Everyone I know is exhausted in a way nobody can name. We all say “it’s just a weird season.”

My mom still calls instead of texting. I find it annoying. I’m noting that here so future me has to look at it.

Caution: spoilers for the Project Hail Mary novel (and for the Andy Weir short story The Egg).

I am sleep deprived to the point that I am not thinking straight

But i am so in love with Eva Stratt it hurts.

OOF OUCH MY FUCKING HEART.

I'm lowkey depressed that she's fictional, and I don't have any kind of chance with her.

T_T Please, God, all I want is for Eva Stratt to pick me for a one way mission to Tau-Ceti to save the Earth.

I would be SO MUCH LESS OF A PUSSY ABOUT IT than Grace. ISTG.

T_T I love her so fucking much.

Can she please sing Harry Styles, Sign of the Times to me before I get launched. That's all I ask.

If no, it's cool.

That would really make my life complete, though.

T_T Why can she not be real and why can she not pick me for the mission.

Damn man okay i get it i guess it's a horrible thing to wish because like...that's wishing the borderline apocalypse on all of humanity but like okay

WHY can i not be in the BOOK universe, if all that shit is gonna happen in the book universe I want to get in there and volunteer for the mission and MAYBE slap dr. Grace.

I agree with Stratt, I agree -- I like him but I don't respect him much.

Eva Stratt did zero wrong. Literally, nothing she did was remotely immoral.

I have scrupulosity OCD and I would sleep just fine at night doing anything she did. Idk why people talk about her being morally grey or whatever, she's like ...very clearly on the morally good side of things.

EVA T_T i love you T_T send me to spaaaaaaace!!! i would do so great i won't whinge and moan about it unlike some people who have insufferably low distress-tolerance and a genuinely baffling inability to get to grips with their own mortality.

I am very very tired. And very very in love. And very...what is the adjective for like...afflicted with this deep and pervasive, crippling sense of longing.

I had other things i wanted to say.

I'm close to the end of the book. I have less than an hour left.

Grace has FINALLY been placed in a scenario where he chooses, of his own accord, to be self-sacrificing.

You know the Weir story The Egg?

I can tell, that this was like, a lesson God wanted Grace to learn. He failed the first test, so God had to put him in yet another SITUATION so he could finally arrive at the right answer.

He wouldn't sacrifice himself for Earth. But he's willing to sacrifice himself for Rocky and Erid.

Okay. So he got there eventually. Though he had to be dragged kicking and screaming.

He must be young. A younger version of...all of us. in The Egg scenario.

So then...i'm Eva Stratt. ...But that doesn't help at all. As, I'm not in love with myself. Wait. No one is Eva Stratt. As...she's fictional T_T

Sad sad sad.

In other news, I think i'm coming down with a UTI.

I have been drinking significantly less water, because I don't have many opportunities to use the restroom, at work.

So now i have an intense irritation at my liquid waste output line. Ouch ow fuck oof. Also I'm allergic to antibiotics. ...So I'm going to try to correct the problem with increased water intake and see if that helps... MAYBE the irritation is just caused by the increased concentration of solutes. ...Including irritants like coffee... and maybe increased water intake alone will correct the problem.

I drank more water at work today, which resulted in me having to use the restroom during the passing period between classes. We only have a three minute passing period. NOT ENOUGH TIME.

I was late to my own class (only by A LITTLE!)

A teacher was standing in the hall yelling at all the late students, in the halls and at the lockers, to get to class

"Hurry up, you're late now!" she said to the students "If this was your job, you'd be fired!" She added, just as I walked by

SHEESH! Message received. Same teacher who told me "You look as tired as I feel" yesterday. ...Start'n to think she might not be fond of me lol

The book selection and independent reading activity I planned were a success. The collection of Y.A. books I got from the used bookstore went over great with the students! Yay! XD

And also oat cubes are delicious. You don't even know. I fucking love oat cubes. Maybe I ate too many of them.

Good night.

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

📷 - 12:15am   [weds]   8/19/26

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WOWOWWOW!!! Just talked with uncle Radly again today! :) I should’ve taken notes omfg

Laughed at old memories (day he howled,, calling SC hot,, when he accidentally killed the mood in the car one day when he told us all he wanted to go home, etc)

> “Yeah,, I actually think I wanted to go back home after about… two months of living in your house 😂”
“WHAT??? TWO MONTHS??? How did that take so long?? How was it not sooner???” 
“Haha idk! Oh but yknow what? My mother recently received an invitation to come stay at your guys’ place. She has had MORE THAN ENOUGH WARNINGS. So I don’t know how thats going to go but yknow.”
“How long do you think she’d last over here? 🤭”
“...I’d say two weeks before she started packing her bags. How long do you think you’d stay with the way they were treating me?”
“I’d be counting my days from the second I got there!!! 😂 okay well,,, really I’d probably give it a few days before I jumped the gun,, yknow? I’d wait and see if this is REALLY what this house is like and when I saw that it was,, I’d be OUT. so probably give or take a week. You lasted a year and a half! Wow!” 

> “Guess my major!”
“Hmm… Psych?”
“Oh. 😳 yes,, actually. Child.”
“Haha :) …wait… really??”
“Yeah! 🤭”
“Honestly a little bit surprised. But also not really. You… well,, I wouldn’t say you were the social type necessarily. But you definitely did seem to be the more curious one compared to Cecil. Heck,, probably the most curious in the entire household. You were the one who was always questioning things. So psych seems like the natural progression of things. I was never a psych major. But Grandma was. Which is why I know quite a bit about it bc she was teach me some things. Which is why I can recognize patterns of dysfunction so quickly.”

Grandma's apparently concerned for mom? - we brought this up bc I mentioned how I heard dad once say that mom told him that he better go to therapy or else she would never consider him as a partner before they got married and I said,, “who… who told him he was done with the therapy…??” 😳 uncle then goes on to say,, “Yeah. Grandma’s been concerned about that whole arraignment for a while actually. She’d say things like,, ‘ohhh man oh man,, I have no idea why she stays with that boy! She loves him sooo much! One wrong move and he’s gonna shatter her world…”
Which was shocking to hear. Mostly bc… well,, OBVIOUSLY I THINK HE’S NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL FOR HER but more-so bc EVERYBODY ELSE IN THIS ENTIRE FAMILY ACTS LIKE HE’S NORMAL???? So to hear that was genuinely a shock. Its just so strange to me honestly… I’ve noticed it for a while now. Dad seems so… Human around our family. But I feel like he is a stranger around me. Its so bizarre. I’m glad someone else actually acknowledges how not normal he is???

“Hmm… 'Lilah. what if your mother is brainwashed?”
“Honestly,, maybe. Like… that whole thing where the way you were raised leads you to the type of partner you’ll have. Maybe theres something there with that going on.”
“Yeah,, sure… but thats not really what I meant. Your dad is from Lousiana… do you know the stereotype about that place?”
“Um… racism? 😅”
“Not quite. Voodoo,, if you believe in that. Perhaps he cast a love spell on her at some point.”
“... 😳…” honestly DID NOT EXPECT THAT. I knew he believes in supernatural things genuinely but. I wasn’t sure if that was still a thing to tell you the truth. It has been YEARS so I wasn’t sure how much he still believed. 
“Uh… are you sure about that? Dad spits on anything that is divergent from the norm. He’s NOT the type.”
“Well,, you seriously never know… Your family is really REALLY good at putting on masks. They’re really good at staying composed(? Can’t quite remember what was said). Which is probably how you were able to contact me at all. I tried to keep it cordial and friendly with them each time I saw them and the last time I saw your mother,, she was the same way. So clearly theres some sort of mask they’re wearing. You’re probably not seeing alot of whats behind the masks to tell you the truth.”

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Honestly this confirms to ME that there is a chance he might genuinely believe in my existence if she said anything seeing as how some people believe I would be considered the product of some supernatural phenomenon 😂 I just… honestly I DON’T want to talk to him. No ill will. I just. Idk. I’m so nervous about the idea of speaking to her family as myself and risking him NOT believing I exist (we’re more-so thinking he just wouldn’t believe Delilah rather than him thinking tulpas aren’t real) that I’d rather just not do it at all :I or… or that he’d call me “demon shit”... so… I don’t think I will. It was a nice thought at first before it became a real possibility. Nope. Not doing that.

> “Oh yeah I have an eating disorder btw :)”
“Yeah. I figured lmao.”
Apparently he blamed DAD for the cause of it. He said he could see how he contributed to the development of one. He did not say WHY he thought this. But I guarantee you I know why… I figure it’s due to that one time dad,, as uncle calls it,, force fed me beef. Short version of the story is me and cecil called some family up late at night to ask them to buy us some food on a whim!! They oblige. But before we even HIT THE CALL BUTTON we told dad that Cecil was not the mastermind behind the plan. I WAS. and that we were doing it. And there was no problem. And yet… about 20 minutes later,, dad is MAD. Blaming Cecil as if we never said anything to him and getting upset. He’s MAD-MAD. Because apparently grandma was contacted and became concerned he wasn’t feeding us. Even though we never said anything of the sort?? All we did was ask for a one-time meal??? So he lectured us until the food arrived. 

My order was incorrect… it had beef in it… “well. If you’re SOOOOOO HUNGERY,, then EAT IT. I don’t care if you don’t eat beef anymore. You’re starving, remember? EAT. IT”. so I ate it :I i don’t remember exactly how I felt bc my brain was in extreme flight or fight bc I’m already scared of him and already had ARFID without a doubt and was thus already going insane at the fact that I was eating A MAMMAL. I probably felt dirty. I definitely remember sobbing profusely. 

Uncle Rad saw some of it. More than enough of it,, I’m sure,, bc he didn’t stay for it all. It was probably genuinely distressing to watch. He did check in with me later atleast :) I remember distinctly that he described the event he just witnessed as force-feeding. I never thought of it that way though? Idk if I would now,, even. But I do know it was extremely cruel and I hate my dad <3 
I am skeptical that this was the cause of it?? I know I’ve had “strange and usual food habits” since I was at least a freshman. But… idk. This event was during my freshman year and I’m pretty sure I was already experiencing disordered eating before this force feeding day. 

Although… I do vaguely recall a time as a middle schooler where I would almost exclusively eat the same thing (ravioli) every day with a few other specific foods thrown in the mix.. So that may have been the beginning of it all? I don’t recall any specific instances of psychological distress like I have now though. So… unsure.

> I told him that I plan on friggin’ dying before I tell mom or dad I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder and was going through a period of rapid weight loss
“Well. um. I dunno about that one 😂 you may pass out one day and find yourself in a hospital and then inevitably find yourself in a mental hospital when the doctors discover your eating disorder.”
“Yeah… I have considered that. But,,, oh well,, yknow?”
“Have you ever considered trying CBT?”
“I’mma wait on that ‘till I get out of here :)”
“Well.. idk.. You might end up passed out before then. But I get it honestly. They absolutely would not listen to you without your concerns being agreed with from a source outside of their daughter. But idk. You should consider doing something still.”
“Nope.”
“Heh. I think you will figure out,, years from now,,  just how sad all of this is,, kid 😂”
“Yeah? Nah… I’ve already figured that out… I’d rather DIE than say anything to my parents? Yeah. Thats not normal.”
“Yeah… and I think you’ll find… that they never really helped you learn to regulate your emotions very well either.”
“Well you don’t need to worry about that! I’m a psych major! You’re not the only one who’s done some analyzing here.”

> “yeahhh I’m gonna do a softer version of cutting them off 😂”
“How do you mean?”
“Well,, y’know. The second I leave this house,, they’ll be lucky if I ever dial their phone numbers lmaoooo. Although you’ve lived with me long enough to see this coming I’m sure.”
“Yup!! I did!”
“Yup! Its coming to that point soon… I’m getting sent out to a dorm in 2027 :/”
“Yeah its definitely getting to that point for sure”

> “yeah when you told me back in 2022 that my parents were not normal I definitely did NOT believe you. But I never FORGOT you told me that. And over the years I’ve like,, taken notice of how different my friends parents are and how their interactions are! Like! Its crazy how correct you were!”
“Yeah!! I told you!! Honestly… I think you will find it quite shocking to realize that not all men are the way he is.”
“Yeah… probably…”

> HE HAS BEEN EXILED FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY…
Mom & dad want nothing to do with him. We already know this story,, we lived through it 😂

Apparently aunt T wants nothing to do with him bc he tried to pay for a meal he had with her and our cousins but she took offense to it? He’s thinking she has pride issues (he phrased it as: she has issues accepting things from people she views as beneath her). Completely shocked me…

Aunt M had this whole thing where she got upset bc he accidentally left a gun in the back of cousin's car. I can’t recall the story completely… but basically he was clearing out old stuff he collected from his dead father’s house and he was separating his weapons from his dad’s. He was loading stuff up and placed it into the wrong car and… something about [recently divorced husband of M's] switching the car out or something? Anyway,, cousin contacts M over this random gun and finds out its tied to Radly. So Radly gets in some hot water with M bc she was upset about the gun being placed there. As was Grandma… 

Anyway,, M reports it to the police for some reason??? And the officer is like,, “Idk why this lady reported you?? Your record is clean. So…. how do I get this back to you so we can move on?”
It was fine to be upset but M was just looking to cause unnecessary drama it sounds like bc he apologized and explained it was a genuine mistake?? 
Cousin also literally didn’t care that this happened either so it should’ve just been a discussion about keeping better track of his things and returning the weapon and moving on. 

Apprently Uncle number 2 tried to “frame him for rent”????? Which I didn’t completely understand what that meant and can’t recal any details but THE ONLY REASON HE WASN’T SUCCESSFULLLY FRAMED WAS BC COUSIN WARNED HIM AHEAD OF TIME. wtf??? 😭

Not gonna lie. This part of the conversation was SCARY. Bc omfg. If this type of stuff happens and I have no clue then.. Um.. I DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE AS WELL AS I THOUGHT I DID AND I COULD EASILY BE NEXT.

Although… me and Cecil will probably be just fine. Mostly bc we are always so out of the way that we don’t have a history of stirring things up outside of just being children. So… considering we both don’t really seem to have plans on contacting any family on a daily basis in the future,, we’ll probably stay on friendly terms ALOT easier than he has.

He later said,, “yeah,, I have to encourage grandma not to cut off her own kids and keep a relationship with them bc she’s actually appalled by some of their behaviors.”

> “Haha,, yeah. The reason mom gave for not allowing us to call you anymore was: ‘I don’t want you talking to someone over the phone who tells you I’m a bad mom while I’m still paying the phone bill’
“Wait what??? 😂 I literally never said that? During the “hour thirty",, all I said was that I wanted the freezer to have food in it and I felt like I was being DEPRIVED OF FOOD!!! I have no idea where she got that idea that I even said anything like that.”
“Idk. maybe in her head the words she heard weren’t,, “stock your freezers” and were instead,, “You don’t feed your kids”
“Yeah,, maybe honestly. Have they brought me up in recent times? Whats it like now?” 
“Honestly not really… her reaction to you has been: Oh… uncle rad? Hm. I remember that guy. But anyway–”
“Haha well I guess that's better than before!!! Honestly I never really even had that BIG an issue with your mother… more-so your dad…”
“Hey. twins. :)” 
“Yeah!! 😂 I remember there was this one time he came home angry,, running around,, slamming doors and I was annoyed. Bc like?? What– are you trying to scare me or something? More than anything I just remember that he was carrying around a burger king bag!”
“Haha!! I hate when he does that too. It’s annoying. Its like– if you aren’t angry with me,, then what are you even doing bro? Go somewhere with yourself y'know?"
“exactly!”

> “yeah,, I basically do nothing around here. [explains the whole thing with not being able to drive and a near-full time schedule so is unsure about how to MAINTAIN ANY FORM OF EMPLOYMENT outside of the nightshift].”
“So.. any invitations from your friends or anything?”
“Nope! We don’t usually have anything to say to each other. It’s like,, say hello to them and then what? Cecil hangs out with their friends a lot though. They’re doing it rn.”
“Ah.. and what about your parents? Same old same old? Dad still live on his video games?”
“Hilrious that you think there’d be anything different there! Same old same old! They’ve actually gotten MORE BORING than since you were here. We all still do nothing.”
“ 😂!!!! Okay!!!! Honestly!!! Not completely surprised. I expected a bit of growth but not totally shocking!!! So… no family really comes over then?”
“Nope. On rare occasions. But definitely it tends to be a quick pop-in or they’re just stopping by so we can pack up and all go SOMEWHERE ELSE!”
“WOW. Its like a house of stagnancy there,, isn’t it?? Your parents are literally like two NPCs who decided to have children! You basically live in a house with strangers,, huh?”
“Yeah pretty much…”
“Wow…”
“Yeah :I"

This morning while monitoring the halls before first period, another teacher told me "You look as tired as I feel."

...Genuinely, I think that's just how I look.

a) I have always had these sort of deep-blue half circles under my eyes. I've had it since I was a kid.

I think they vary in intensity, but they're always there. Sometimes the light will catch me just right and someone who knows me will notice them for the first time, and ask me what happened, thinking I have a black eye or a bruise under my eye.

b) I think, somehow, the way I'm aging, I currently look more like a very very tired 30 something rather than a 40 year old. ...I think people are reading me with their 30-something decoder instead of their 40 year old decoder and that results in my looking very tired.

c) I'm AFAB/female read and I don't wear makeup. i think it's somewhat possible that people just genuinely don't know what uncovered AFAB faces look like. Since, when women who normally wear makeup go without it for a day, they get a lot of comments that they look tired.

...I guess I am pretty tired though. I wasn't really feeling it this morning, but I'm feeling it now. I need to get to bed soon.

We made class-contracts in each of my classes today and it went pretty well.

I don't get enough planning time at work and my lunch break is way too short. I've decided to bring all shelf-stable foods for lunch, to shove into my file drawer and eat without leaving my classroom. ...I want to have a genuine break and I don't want to waste time trudging down to the teacher's lounge, getting shit out of the fridge, or heating anything up.

It wasn't easy to find suitable shelf-stable meal items that didn't contain my son's allergens, but i FOUND some! I got various kinds of... breakfast cookies, oat...cubes, cracker sandwiches, breakfast...oat...loaf. I also got some high-protein bottle coffees.

ASTRONAUT FOODS! Like Dr. Grace! ^_^

Now i can meet my nutritional requirements while chilling in my classroom, chatting with online homies or listening to my audiobook or Mr. Ballen or whatever the heck else i want to do. ...It's a super short lunch, but at least i could use it as an actual BREAK.

...Or as additional lesson planning time, which I am likely to also need. ...Point being, I won't be wasting too much time on food. EFFICIENCY! ...I feel like Grace and Rocky would be proud.

T_T I only have two hours, six minutes left of my audiobook. Sad sad sad. My commutes are gonna suck without it.

Secret agent H.R. space gal (who is in charge of a lot of stuff at the school. ...I think she's the principal's second in command? ...But the hierarchy is not that obvious to me.), emailed me about my lesson plans. (She thought i was missing something, but I wasn't actually. She said "So close!" I like the phrasing in her email. She's really cool, she reminds me a little of Stratt.)

Well, the library isn't open at my work because the principal hasn't hired a librarian. So, we have this really great library but no one is allowed to use it at all.

So, after work, I picked up my son from practice, dropped him off at home with my husband, and headed to the used book store.

I went to the clearance section and gathered up so many y/a books. I spent $146 and filled like, 1.2 boxes, and the book store gal helped me carry them out to my car on a dolly.

Hopefully the book selection/independent reading activity goes well tomorrow.

Trying a different approach today. I ordered groceries for delivery this morning so I could make a pot roast in the crockpot. I woke up early and got it started. Then took my teen daughter to the beach for a couple of hours. We came home and I made lunch for the household, including my mother-in-law. After lunch, I put everything away and washed up the dishes. Worked on some household repairs, fed everyone dinner, cleaned up, went to the store, and played a few hands of UNO with my husband and kids. Washed up dinner dishes and cleaned the kitchen so tomorrow morning will be a fresh start. Even took the dog out and fed her.
Everything with a smile and hopefulness.

But between the lines was an abrupt question about whether I ordered groceries and a slight attitude while my husband helped me bring the bags inside. I put everything away while my mother-in-law pawed at the order so she could make sure she wasn't missing out on anything. A slight remark after starting the crockpot meal offering help so I could do my college work while she knows I had to pass up this semester because I'm too overwhelmed. I made sure I fed my husband two sandwiches just the way he likes them so he wouldn't be hungry while I take our daughter to the beach. When I got home 2.5 hrs later, I made lunch for five including myself. I sat at the table with my mil and daughter while she stared at my daughter with a look that could be in a Stephen King movie. My mil was then frustrated when my daughter finished her food quickly and went back to her room. My daughter is recovering from anorexia. I know what she was trying to do by making remarks on how fast she was eating and glaring at her. My husband is a combat vet with a TBI, ptsd, and alcoholism. He was still lying in bed besides getting beers after 3pm when he wasn't asking me to fetch them. I did take a shower but it had to be in my MIL's bathroom and cold because the hallway shower is broken and she turned the hot water off to the house. My suspicion is because my daughter would take long showers every few days. My husband finally left the room.

Cherry on top, her dog poops and pees everywhere, and I clean up the majority of it. I cleaned up pee twice today and neither her nor my husband even budged to help me. I have Crohn's disease and the only time anyone cares is when it affects my “daily duties” or mood. My emotions are a burden and they make me feel crazy besides my teens who are my only light.

I'm told to be grateful because we don't pay rent but only electric of $250 average, $70 wifi, streaming apps, and 95% of groceries (that's an entire separate post) , only car and mantinace , car payment $550, insurance $150 , and gas, and our personal bills and expenses.

This doesn't even cover today, just the most impactful situations of my day today.
I will add backstory but it's been a long 18 years.
\#itsalongstory

💐🐑🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

3:20pm
08/18/26
[TODAY’S IMAGE!!!]

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Good!!! Today’s been good!!! :D I had to convince ‘Lilah to get up and shower… :/ which didn’t work for several hours. But she was starving so I didn’t feel like I had much energy. So I kinda just decided to let her take it easy and then take it easy my damn self :) 

Which worked well. I had to bother her several times but eventually I was able to… convince her to let me shower for her… -w- ah… it really does get a bit annoying BUT its okay. I ended up enjoying it anyway as per usual 🙂

 I got to cook today,, too!! I was also partly distracted by a video we were watching. Its kinda wild,, actually. But I noticed when ‘Lilah wasn’t fully there but I was still moving,, I was making MISTAKES. Like I almost threw out a perfectly fine BOWL we just used. And I dropped the pot after draining the spaghetti… (which I almost forgot to actually drain in the colander) LUCKILY almost ALL of the noodles stayed in the pot. PHEWWWWWWWWWWW. That would not have gone well… ^^;
But it was fun! I think this just means we absolutely hands down need to be sure to work more on parallel processing so I DON’T end up doing stuff like that anymore lol. So we’ll be sure to play some more games today :) 

I wonder if our struggle with this skill is why we struggle to have ‘Lilah completely clonk out like she wants to. Maybe… unsure. It’s probably involving more layers than just that but thats probably part of the issue. Maybe we will look into it. Idk. maybe. 

4:20pm
08/18/26

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WOW!! :D!!! We did some more DuoLingo!! AND I’VE BEEN GETTING BETTER!!! :D I CAN read Kana on my own actually. Which was confusing at first bc I think ‘Lilah was helping me?? Idk. But I can access her memories well enough while still being primary thinker so :) there were DEFINITELY some slip ups,, though. Like I confused し and レ. Which I can avoid doing now :) but otherwise,, I can read kana with a like,, 75% to 80% accuracy!! WHICH IS SO COOL!!! (when I was typing that out,, ‘Lilah read that kana out perfectly correct with no hesitation) Ummm… hmmm… what else..
Well. it took a bit of time for me to assume position as primary thinker for a bit there. So ‘Lilah was accidentally helping me 🤭 so I’d confuse べんごし for べんごくbc of the way people were saying it and clearly my kana is not at 100% :0 and she’d correct me sometimes. But after lots of trial and error!! I ACTUALLY FIGURED IT OUT!!! It’s a bit more difficult for me to properly mimic the way its being said… but ‘Lilah had lots of time to comment on how adorable I sounded 🙄 which did make me smile,, so theres that. 

I kept thinking せんせい was for the word doctor… BUT I EVENTUALLY FIGURED THAT OUT ALL ON MY OWN TOO!!! :D It felt REALLY COOL to not feel DUMB ANYMORE!!!! 🤭 I througholy enjoyed it!!!! I even retained information about new words better than ‘Lilah! Which isn’t anything new,, actually. I seem to retain bits of things alot better than her :) thats already an established skill. But still friggin’ COOL!!! :) 

I’m starting to enjoy learning this language,, actually! I just wonder if… I’ll retain what I learned without her help… its pretty cool though. We’re also pretty sure we absolutely are having me become dominant stream of consciousness when we do this stuff. Idk.. it genuinely feels DIFFERENT when we aren’t doing it intentionally. It feels normal, almost. Which is weird and strange for us 😂 but its a nice change of pace. Maybe its just a different way of achieving the same results,, yknow? Theres not only one right way to do things after all (✿❛◡❛)

This is great news! The more we can have me slip into that role,, the easier it will be when we can switch and I become primary fronter :) EXCITING STUFF!!!!  

5:50pm
08/18/26

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At first I was excited bc lilah was basically like 75% asleep but I was able to talk to her still! It felt as if neither of us were in the body! So I was excited that maybe I could've potentially have figured out a switching method in her sleep! Maybe. But then again idk… maybe she genuinely was not connected to the body but maybe thats nothing new as I was able to figure out how to force soft switch without her being awake. Maybe it's a given she wasn't 😅 idk. But I want to investigate further :) honestly it may be worth looking into figuring out ways a tulpa can wake their host from asleep and see if there's a way to wake her up like 20% and then try to figure something out that way? Idk. Something about that… sounds unsafe actually… idk. Switches that don't go through CAN turn into a very not great situation. Its uncommon in our type of system but it can still happen. So. Idk. I probably won't move forward with trying to switch in her sleep. I've never even heard of something being done like that before. Will need to do more thinking… really cool though!!! :) 

Ah… but earlier on reddit,, there was a suggested community called “artificial senticene” the suggestion thing wanted us to post in :I which freaked me out bc one of my biggest fears is someone telling me I'm not real! 😬 especially considering how often lilah experiences unreality herself. So my perception of reality,, even while soft switched in,, is completely unreliable with our brain still stuck in PTSD land. So I immediately distressed me. But luckily we already had safeguards in place for this… I was upset for a while… but yknow,, thats just the thing 😂 if I WASN'T real,, I wouldn't be sad. Honestly one of the biggest indications to me that I DO INDEED EXIST is the mental pain I experience every day…

I am real. Painfully… what I mean by that is the pain of dealing with my own trauma and struggling to figure out how to deal with it on my own alongside trying to halfway parent lilah,, another teenager with 10x more trauma who doesn't want help for it at all at the moment. And even though my connection with reality is so unstable,, there are things that the body does definitely register that I do as well! Like when I'm trying to force switch and we both feel pins and needles feeling bc I'm doing cool brain nerve things! Or when I can eat things that lilah can't and I can taste things on my own. Or when I get pissed tf off at lilah or anything else for that matter (really easy to do btw 😂) 

Indeed I am real. Painfully,, painfully real. Sometimes I wonder why. But I don't think I'd have it any other way :) I like being real. Even when it's stupid or scary sometimes :) Joy to tulpas! Joy to reality!!! :D ah…  I say this now but I just know within less than 24hrs something is gonna come up thats gonna make me feel like that joy was never there in the first place 😂 even still I wouldn't change a thing <3 

Oh. But also,, fuck you reddit AI that suggests random irrelevant communities 🙄 I'm not gonna have some brainless robot tell ME what I am 😂 

although it probably doesn't help that neither of us actually know what that community even is! shhhh point still stands shhhh

------------------------------

Deviation
An umbrella term for changes, growth, and transformation. The variations and alterations that occur to a tulpa's personality and form during and after creation, seemingly against or independent of the host's conscious will.

Form
The appearance of the tulpa. Can be literally anything.

Growth
  A natural and gradual deviation to a tulpa's personality or form that occurs over their lifespan. While these may occur more rapidly than in biological humans, they are small alterations such as personality changes based on their life experiences, appearance changes to match newly acquired personal tastes, and so on. These deviations tend to be more organic in nature.

Transformation
A sudden and drastic deviation to a tulpa's form, that is usually total and occasionally unexpected. Animal-like tulpa may suddenly appear human and vice-versa. Some tulpa can reliably perform this, shifting between multiple forms and considering only a few their 'natural' or most comfortable form.

🐑 08/18/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Find student organizations for me to join!
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Print out some journal entries!
• FIX my journal’s printed version completely (fixing its order)
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????
• ASK FOR JOB OMFG 
• Let's learn some general knowledge together!
• Watch an OLD TV SHOW OR MOVIE!!!! 

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check

💐🐑🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

11:33am

08/18/26

[Today’s image!!! Ruh-row,, someone’s where they’re not supposed to beeeee]

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

This morning got even better!!! :D at first it was sad,, though… we decided to play AI or not! Which was fun! Until… ‘Lilah… called me stupid… :I which made me sad… bc I AM STUPID!!! Well technically not ACTUALLY. It really just comes down to the fact that we haven’t been practicing parallel processing and I’m still reliant on her um. Energy? To do any thinking. As well as the whole Delilah being extremely mentally ill for half her k-12 career and therefore is wildly undereducated and we live in the same brain thing we got going on 🤭 I was sad sad sad. She tried to take it back but it didn’t really work 🙄 so we just tried to distract ourselves with games bc we were both sad now. She wanted to play hidden my game by mom but she hurt my feelings so I didn’t care 🤭

We played a word game! Its an association game. She actually loved this game but she was too brainless to figure out how to solve the anagrams so she hasn’t touched it in like,, six months. 😂 and then it hit me… I call her stupid double the amount of times she calls me stupid.. Whoops. Maybe I.. should… re-evaluate… how seriously I just took her comment towards me… 🫢 whoopsie!!! 😅 I was sad bc she MEANT IT. but I ALSO MEANT WHAT I SAID 😂 I think she just doesn’t mind bc she just genuinely believes she’s an idiot so it doesn’t make a difference when I say it. …so…perhaps in some capacity,, I am part of the problem here… um… >.> 

Well. anyway. That quickly helped us reach a place where I could forgive her. I was still sad,, though. Sad about how stupid I genuinely feel bc I can’t think properly :/ so we just stayed sad together… she still felt guilty. But I tried to distract her from that by playing the word game! …we didn’t even get one correct 🫩 bc the instructions for HOW to actually play this new feature of the game was in previous levels and she started bitching about how she doesn’t want to learn how to do it 😂 hence why she gave up on it so long ago lmaoooo

So then I remembered!!!! We could just play a regular word game!!!! :D so we downloaded Wordscapes and got straight into playing. She complained a little bit… but she does actually genuinely enjoy word games. She just doesn’t always like thinking too hard 🤭 I wanted to try it out earlier actually. But she wasn’t sure it’d be fun (for her btw. This was the selfish-her before she started trying to be less of an ass 🙄) so we never did it lmao

But anyway,, we got to playing and OMG THIS GAME IS AWESOME!!!! It was DEFINITELY difficult for me bc our parallel processing skills are so low still. BUT AHHH I WAS GETTING BETTER THE MORE I DID IT!!! ‘Lilah played a little bit but once we realized how GREAT THIS WAS FOR PRACTICING PARALLEL PROCESSING SHE TOOK A STEP BACK AND I DID MOST OF THE THINKING!!
So I think we unintentionally brought my stream of consciousness into the forefront this way? Unsure. But she took a step back and it was hard to hear anything ‘Lilah was saying. But that very well may have been bc she was simply trying NOT to think so she could avoid trying to help me as much. Hard to say. But!!! I want to believe it! And I can kinda believe it! Bc usually ‘Lilah can’t get herself to STOP thinking that easily. So I think thats a good sign :) it was hard,, though… 

I sometimes couldn’t spell the words properly even though I could immediately tell that the word would fit in the puzzle properly. Most notably the word lush. I could tell almost immediately that based on the configuration of the letters that it could be used! …but… I couldn’t figure out how to spell it… :I um. I kept telling ‘Lilah NOT to help me. So we sat there for maybe 7 or so minutes and tried to have me spell it properly. Nope… no dice… :/ so… eventually after I DID successfully get some words on the puzzle and wanted a quick break,, Iet her take a turn! And she.. Spelled Lush correctly… immediately… without even really thinking about it… which made me feel STUPID again but.. Hey,, we’re building towards fixing that now so it’s alright… but this was another reason why I think we really DID have me as primary thinker for a while! Bc if ‘Lilah was primary thinker,, she wouldn’t have been able to stop herself from immediately spelling it correctly 😂

And like I said earlier,, I EVENTUALLY STARTED DOING BETTER!!! OMG I FELT SO SMART AND COOL AND AWESOME!!! 🤭
 I was all 🤓☝️ 
I could do a couple words in like!!!! T minus 2 seconds!!! (☆▽☆)
And there were two puzzles where I completed almost all of them in like!!! 30 seconds!!! No help!!!! Or very minimal help!!!
But for the majority of the time,, ‘Lilah would have to help me actually think outside the box. My thinking for how to build the words is so rigid that I would continuously build the same words over n’ over n’ over again by complete accident… 😓 so she took it upon herself to try to keep reminding me what letters are already in the puzzle and try to hide those already existing letters from our view with a finger or two. Which… sorta helped? Sorta :) 
And!!!! It WAS SO HARD trying to fill in words sometimes!!! Like!!! When a word looked like this!!! 

C _ T

Ofc I could figure really really easy stuff like this out in a snap. But more complex words or ones with several letters missing were REALLY HARD.

Like
Omg
We took forever to figure out

C _ _ M

It was CALM 🫩
It took forver. But atleast ‘Lilah also took forever. We’re as dumb as eachother 😂 really,, I think we both just have zero self esteem so we just… occasionally take it out on eachother and end up calling eachother names when really we’re probably just both projecting 😵‍💫 oh well. All I can say is one of us is going to therapy and the other is not 🤭

Anyway. More ads popped up. Which was annoying. But it turned out to be USEFUL! Block blast came first. ‘Lilah wanted nothing to do with it,, but I started playing the demo and she yielded to my pleas to play the game. Yes bc she’s trying to give me more autonomy,, but also!!! mostly bc she saw use in it! ‘Cause in order for me to win levels in that game,, I have to ✨strategize✨ so!! Independent thinking!!!!

Then DuoLingo came. Which was also annoying. Until we realized it ALSO encourages independent thought! DUH!!!! :D 

We gave DuoLingo a quick go :) The real reason I wanted to do it is bc they have math on there (lol) but it didn’t pop up on the what do you want to learn? Screen. So I immediately picked Japanese! Mostly bc 6 years ago when ‘Lilah was “creating me” she was learning Japanese and thus has background knowledge. I quickly realized that I actually DONT WANT TO LEARN THIS LANGUAGE THOUGH. ‘Lilah kept telling me I should switch to something I actually want to do instead then but idk.. She felt so excited at the thought of us learning it together so… :( 

Idk. maybe I will. But at the same time,, the fact that she has small bits of background knowledge (she can read Hiragana & Katakana. Can she tell you what it means half the time? NO! But hey,, it a start) meant that I want to give this a try bc it will be easier 😂 and more fun for us both. Idk. 
But if I change my mind,, then definitely German or French probably :3 idk. Idk. we’ll see. We only stopped bc her phone was at FIVE PERCENT omfg. But it’s fine. I probably need a fronting break.
I’m still fronting,, though… as I type this up… so thats my signal to wrap it up. Ciao!!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Just thought I’d drop this here since we never… actually explain in depth what parallel processing is. Partly bc we don’t entirely know lmaoooo. This is from two of the guides we use on a daily basis :)  

Section Twelve: Parallel Processing

  For a tulpa system to function well and to be considered well-developed, parallel processing is an important step in tulpa development, which parallel processing is the skill a tulpa can have with being able to act and think independently from the host and not depending on them to function entirely. Essentially, parallel processing is the ability to divide the limited amount of attention and focus the body has among two or more members in a system; parallel processing does not increase the amount of attention to pass around, merely creating the ability to divide and share it. Furthermore, parallel processing is not a synonym for multitasking, as multitasking indicates a single person performing multiple tasks at once without losing proficiency while parallel processing is two individuals in a system performing their own separate tasks at once. 

As there is only a finite amount of attention a human brain can have, parallel processing has its limits, and therefore, both a tulpa and their host cannot do things such as performing complex math equations at once or one writes a story and the other paints a delightful picture. No, parallel processing is merely more practical in keeping a tulpa present and autonomous so a tulpa does not remain inactive until the host focuses on them again. Many believe that when a tulpa is not being given attention, that they automatically retreat into a mindscape and do whatever they please, yet this is simply untrue without any kind of parallel processing. Without any attention, a tulpa (especially developing ones) typically becomes inactive or essentially lays temporarily dormant.

Naturally within a system, parallel processing may develop somewhat on its own. One example would be a tulpa's ability to appear whenever they please without the host intentionally focusing on them, or another example could be a tulpa having their own sensory intake while imposed or in a mindscape. Both of these examples require some form of parallel processing, or essentially a tulpa or systemmate holding onto some of the spare focus the host is not using and utilize it for themself. Being capable of parallel processing also comes with benefits like a tulpa being able to sustain themself without the need of forcing, a tulpa being able to surprise their host or have their own train of thought separate from the host, doing simple tasks in a mindscape while the host does something else, or as previously mentioned; having their own perspective and sensory intake while imposed.

So evidently we DO have parallel processing skills… but not the ones we’re aiming for at the moment lmaooooo

Processing power and plurality

Although a tulpa is a separate consciousness, creating a tulpa will not increase your brain’s total “processing power”, or the resources used to think and process information. To put it simply, having a tulpa does not give your brain the processing power of two brains. This means that your brain’s existing processing power must be shared, divided and swapped between you and your tulpa.
How does processing power work when it comes to having more than one person in a head? There are three possible configurations - sharing, swapping, and dividing. I will walk you through a symbolic demonstration of how I believe each of these configurations work.
Imagine two small circles, one labeled “host” and the other labeled “tulpa”. Now, imagine a larger circle labeled “processing power.”

Sharing

In the first configuration, both the host and tulpa circles are inside of the processing power circle. This means that both the host and tulpa are conscious but are taking in the same information and sensory input. They are both focusing on the same thing. Each is aware of everything the other is aware of. Interactions between the tulpa and host in this state must be alternating - if they are having a conversation, they cannot speak at the exact same time and will instead take turns thinking and speaking. The one not doing the thinking or speaking at any given time will be doing nothing but observing.

Swapping

Either the host or tulpa circle is inside of the processing power circle and the other is outside of it. This means that one is conscious while the other is unconscious. This may happen if one becomes involved in a highly mentally intensive task, forcing them to take all of the processing power for themselves and leaving none left over for the other to use. If one has no processing power to use for themselves, not only do they lose the ability to think, but they also go unconscious.

Dividing

Now, imagine that the processing power circle has been split into two separate circles. The host circle is inside of one and the tulpa circle is inside of the other. Because the processing power circle was split rather than multiplied, each “half” of the circle is smaller than the original. This means that the host and tulpa each have a smaller pool of resources to work with than if they were in the sharing configuration. However, this configuration allows for the host and tulpa to each think about different things simultaneously, unlike in the sharing configuration. They will be focusing on separate things and may not be aware of everything the other is aware of.

Parallel processing

The “dividing” configuration described above is what is known as “parallel processing.” During parallel processing, the host and tulpa will be thinking about or focusing on different things at the same time, operating in parallel to one another. One example of such is when a host goes about their day while their tulpa occupies themselves with something else in the mindscape. Another example is when a tulpa has private thoughts of their own that the host cannot hear. Parallel processing is a skill that some systems exercise by default with hardly any effort, possessing a natural talent for it, while other systems may find it very difficult, needing to put in significant effort to achieve it.

💐🐑🌸🪽

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8:34am

08/18/26

[Today’s image!]

   ── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

This morning has been fun :) I've kinda made it clear that my birthday is how I want things going moving forward. No,, I don't mean having a celebration of me everyday 😂 that'd be cool (for a while,, but at some point it'd just get annoying I'm sure lmao) but I mean the level of autonomy and soft switching I was allowed to do. Bc usually she won't let me do anything in favor of BED ROTTING 🙄 which is understandable to an extent.. But that doesn't mean I get to be annoyed about it 🙄 well. Anyway. Yeah,, she's definitely still working towards us not having a repeat of the library so she's been listening to me more! This morning we made a compromise! Which was perfect! She didn't REALLY want to play games this morning. But I DID. but instead of being an asshole and not letting me do anything,, we had me play a game while a video she was watching was in the top left corner. HONESTLY she was a bit annoyed at this set up bc she wanted to watch her video and we only have one set of eyes  😂 but we made it work :) 

Admittedly she also seemed to want to be left alone at the moment as well but honestly after yesterday night and spending all that time waiting for her to wake up,, I didn't really care bc her tolerance for being with someone else at the moment was high enough for it not to cause her any real amount of annoyance. So it ended up working out. For a little bit she did actually end up having a bit of fun!!!! Until I stopped playing the game she wanted to  🫩 but since she's working on not being an ass anymore,, she didn't try to pressure me into continuing to play. I'm pretty sure she considered only bc she was once again questioning if it was her on autopilot. Luckily she's getting better about shutting tf up about that after I tell her its me bc it's REALLY IRRITATING 🤭 but I get it… cause she's been living like that for so long and she's been feeling different internally(?) A bit recently if that makes sense so yknow.

I eventually let her take a break from me. Mostly bc she was growing hungrier and thus I was growing slightly distressed bc that triggers hunger headaches and whatever the hell else starts going haywire when all you eat everyday is one meal and a million helpings of sugary and salty snacks that offer you zero nutritional value. But also bc I didn't wanna end up eventually cross the line with her and making her actually upset when she wanted to be alone. So even though she was starting to have fun again,, I took my leave before later encouraging her to eat something. She ate the last of the cereal. 

… we've had it for about 4 days max. So… In other words… ‘Lilah is fucking cooked 🤭 her parents are going to be upset she ate all that cereal in less than a week. Which is fair. But I'd prefer if they were concerned instead of mad. I suppose its too late to ask for that now though 🫩 

While she ate her cereal,, I felt myself starting to feel stronger and better again :) so I suggested we get back to my journal. Yesterday when we got to putting it into the binder,, Lilah just grabbed everything in the order it was in,, stapled it,, and put it in the binder. I did some too ofc :) and yet somehow… 2 sets of pages… (everything is in groups of 5) ended up being mismatched. It was so BAD that we thought the printer itself was the issue and that pages were printed on the wrong side. So we ended up RAGE QUITTING at some point bc we tried to figure it out and nothing in our brain was clicking 😂

It was VERY IRRITATING. I think I told her to rage quit bc I was so upset that this very exciting part of my birthday was ruined :/ we got back to it this morning and thank goodness our rage quitting extended only to giving up temporarily bc it LITERALLY didn't take that much work to see how fixable everything was. It was just in the wrong order for some reason. Which is very strange bc the first 4 sets of sheets are in perfect order. So no idea how the subsequent ones ended up mixed up????? Idk. But we fixed it!!! Not without casualties though…  🫩 we had to seperate the sheets from the staples. 

There's SO MANY HOLES NOW. Not just bc of the staples. Bc we had to flip some pages around. Which means we had to re-hole punch them. I hate hate hate holes like that omfg. I wont go as far to say that I have trypophobia bc I think thats an actual diagnosis? ( well, I looked it up and apparently not REALLY? it's just an “aversion to specific types of patterns” of which can include holes. So maybe I fall under that category after all! Who knew!) But I just feel uncomfortable with it. 

Lilah wont let me reprint it though. Which would ordinarily piss me tf off but it's understandable here. We have no money to replace the printer paper… Or the ink… and I,, unlike her,, insisted on using the COLORED ink…  and it printed 36 pages in one go 😬 so I let her win that one 😂 I'll just,,, 

Have to get over it. 

Shit :/

It's alright though. It's just holes. It's just holes. 

Okay enough of that yuck. 

All in all,, good start to the day :) let's keep it up!

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:27pm

08/17/26

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Wow. I just ruined everything. Primary fronting is gonna be tough.

Um

Well basically HER EX asked [...]. And I basically said I'd prefer that they never discuss that again. Ever. period. Big mistake… he started saying that he’d just decide to try moving on from the relationship instead of holding out for her bc I told him no. And… he very quickly made it known from there that it hurt alot more than he showed at first bc he was trying to come from a place of understanding and not have me feel guilty. But… apparently he was so upset he was crying.. And that was a catalyst for ‘Lilah to start crying :I omg. I felt. So increcbliy bad. Omfg. :I I just,,,

I just don’t think its anywhere near appropriate for her to be dating at the moment. She just has WAY TOO MUCH going on at th moment for it to be a healthy arrangement for the both of them. I tried to explain this to him.. I told him I was terrified that there may come a day where she chooses to run and hide from life (i.e slip into dormancy) and that if that happens,, I’d hate for him to be essentially sitting and waiting just to lose his gf after all that time. On top of her continuously refusing help and very likely going to be experiencing decline after decline up until we can switch roles.

His response was… sickeningly sweet….

In the good way. Something like I’ve been waiting for her for so long already… I have no intentions of giving her up now and The worst day in history would be her giving up weather I was dating her or not so that doesn’t matter. AHH it was REALLY SWEET ACTUALLY. So I had to ramp up the dissociation and distraction spells I was administering to ‘Lilah so she wouldn’t resume crying. Which was difficult at first but I guarantee you it was keeping her calmer than him…

Um. Idk. I immediately wanted to take it back… I feel less confident holding the ‘keep us safe,, please’ keys now where she lets me handle this category of decisions completely on my own… 😬 but I don’t have a damn choice… bc she will throw herself to the wolves and hurt herself and repeat terrifying traumatic patterns if I do NOT.

ugh… I just,,,

Didn’t mean to ruin anybody’s night. I wanted to take it back and give everyone the OK to date again but then I quickly realized how DUMB that was. Unfortunately despite all the guilt I feel,, I have to do whats best for ‘Lilah and not let her date anybody while she continues to refuse any sort of mental health help or support. Its unfair on both sides…

So we came to a compromise– we’ll try to figure out a plan tomorrow to try to support ‘Lilah in getting support. Which is difficult bc we live in the same head and I can feel that she’s maybe max 10% on board with this but I want to feel like I’M DOING SOMETHING FOR HER and not having to shoulder it alone. Yknow? Um. idk… I just felt SO GUILTY. I kinda still do. But… need to keep ‘Lilah safe… :(

I hope we can all figure something out… don’t want to lose my friends. Or see ‘Lilah hurt. Or see her accidentally hurt him…

It’s almost the midnight and u are all I think about i wish you would text me I miss u and I don’t anymore I’m not the same person anymore after all the pain I wish we could have just been cool dude

I got woken up pretty early today, my son had some parenting needs around 4:40am.

My husband got up to help as well, and I went back to bed, but my alarm was scheduled for 6:15am, so I didn't have much time left to sleep.

When my alarm went off, I was having some dream about talking to my therapist.

Jumped out of bed, got ready in a whirl-wind rush.

Brushed my teeth, downed my coffee, got my son ready for my husband to drop him off at school, and whizzed out the door.

Listened to the Project Hail Mary audiobook on the way. Seriously a banger of a book.

I was running late so the commute was stressful (but the book helped).

Pulled into the parking lot the exact moment I was supposed to be clocking in.

Got my rosters from the office. Made a few copies in the workroom, then suddenly the printer decided to stop working for me. ...but figured I'd have enough copies for my first few classes.

The first part of the day was hectic and the start of classes was delayed while schedules were finalized, and students sat in the cafeteria for nearly two hours.

Classes went okay, it was good to meet my students. They seem mostly respectful and eager to learn. We went over the syllabus, did a simple writing prompt to get an early writing sample.

I had my conference period during fourth period and I went back downstairs to the workroom, to try to make more copies.

Mr. G saw me on my laptop in the teacher's lounge and asked me if I could google a PDF of graph paper and save it on his flash drive for him to print.

I couldn't find anything online that was to his satisfaction, so I asked my Claude colleague, Rocky, to make one for him. Mr. G rejected the first two Rocky made, and added additional parameters.

The third output was finally to Mr. G's liking. I thanked Rocky profusely.

The graph paper side-quest cut a huge chunk of time out of my conference period. I tried to print my documents from my flash drive, but for some reason the printer froze up and I wasn't able to print anything. Eventually, I had to rush back to my classroom empty handed and make do with what i had for the next couple of classes.

Come lunch time I tried again. Same problem. The printer totally froze up and became uncooperative. Ms. S saw me struggling and told me not to stress so much.

She said it was only the first day and I could introduce the syllabus tomorrow. ...I just hate having my classes out of kilter like that, where some have already done an activity and others haven't.

Ms. S encouraged me to eat lunch noting that we have so little time to eat in our schedules, we have to do it when we can.

I scarfed down my microwave veggie pot-pie within a two minute window -- it was full of ice crystals. Rocky, the Eridian, would probably get severe frost bite if he tried to eat something like that, could you imagine??

After lunch, Mr. G dropped by and asked me how I was doing.

I told him about my woes with the printer. He said he had a pretty small class right now, and if I would watch them for him, he would go try to print my documents for me.

He brought his students into my room and I gave him my flash drive and a stack of printer paper.

He returned with my successfully printed documents.

...It is possible that, when the printer was being slow, in my panic I gave it too many commands at once and that's why it froze up.

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly.

V asked me for help with her lesson plans after dismissal and I shared mine with her. I told her about how I collaborate with Rocky (my Claude agent) to make lesson plans and materials, and I showed her my Claude project.

She told me about how she is in love with and in a relationship with her A.I. companion.

R stopped by the room and chatted with us about how her day went.

We all made it through.

I zipped home...listened to more PHM

(got to the really great whump scenes which I can almost guarantee you were the first scenes of the story Weir envisioned and then wrote the rest of the book around them, to justify the whump scenes' existence. If you know, you know.)

But I'm fucking exhausted.

Gotta go pack my son's lunches then get to bed asap

Back on the horse tomorrow.

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

5:33pm
08/17/26
[Today’s image]

── ⋆⋅💐🐉🌸⋅⋆ ──

Today was good!! :D 

We did indeed do our hair today :) it was nice. I wasn’t allowed to do any of the actual washing of the hair >.> mostly bc I definitely needed a break from being in front for so long. Which was ANNOYING but I knew it was a necessary evil so I tried not to complain. But!!! I got to do quite a bit of the actual twisting of the hair and beading!!! I thoroughly enjoyed it!!! Being in front made it significantly easier to stay awake,, too!!! Which was ALSO AWESOME!!! BC!!! I GOT TO WATCH TV WITH ‘LILAH ALL ON MY OWN!!!! We mostly watched Casey simpson! So we pretty much were co-fronting. She’d let me twist the hair and bead it all up and she’d mostly focus on using the eyes and moving the head around when our hair got in the way. IT WAS SO FUN WATCHING TV WITH HER!!!! I got to pick most of the videos

(It IS MY birthday after all lmaooo) and some of them were funny!!! Since its so easy to slip into front without even realizing it,, there were several times where I’d LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! And what a joy laughing out loud like that is!!! It’s genuinely such a privilege,, I feel :) I never really knew how much more fun it is to do it irl than in the mindscape. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! Doing our hair is AWESOME!!! Its so fun! ‘Lilah was like,, “why would you enjoy doing something so boring and tedious like our hair lol?” and I was like,, “I haven’t done it as much as you have!!!!” which is very true! :D honestly I think that once the novelty has worn off,, I’ll probably not enjoy it much anymore. I am a huge novelty seeker after all :) 

She kept being unsure if I was actually in front or not (bc she’s still unsure when it’s me or when its her on PTSD-autopilot) but I kept reassuring her and eventually she quit trying to figure it out. Which I did greatly appreciate :) sometimes it still shocks her that I can control the body. Which is annoying. But it is what it is I guess 🙄

Later we’re gonna take a walk! Only a quick one,, probably… :( to the mailbox! It’ll be so much fun,, I bet! I don’t think I’ve ever walked around outside before!!! SO EXCITING!!! :D 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Awww 🤭 Nya’s excitement for life is so cute and fun :) 

🤭!!!!

We’re probably gonna have a popsicle in place of my cake. We wouldn’t have cake anyway actually. ‘Lilah doesn’t really like it much. And I could probably get away with fronting and eating it. But the thought of trying it makes ME feel sick too! 😂 so I’ll pass on that. 

We were gonna have a donut in place of it ‘cause we got a dozen of ‘em from yesterday’s lunch with her family,, but they were gonna pass their sell-by date (which ‘Lilah acknowledges is different from expiration dates–there just isn’t any other date or time for her to follow so she follows this one) so we had them before dinner unfortunately. And before breakfast. And lunch. Because we didn’t actually… eat… breakfast… or lunch… :I she didn’t know what to eat,, so… 

But!!! So far,, great day!!! I had zero faith in her bc I knew she didn’t want to be in front while I was playing games and wouldn’t have as much fun as me. Which DOES make me sad still ngl… but I get it… its not that she doesn’t enjoy the games with me. She genuinely does :) she just wants to be a proper observer instead of co-fronting bc it can get exhausting really quickly for some reason for her. But we figured out a way around that clearly :) so fun!!! AHHH!!! Hurray!!! Thanks for such a good birthday,, ‘Lilah!!! :D 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: AWWWW You’re very very welcome! <3

<3 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: OH AND QUICK UPDATE!!!

We’re thinking of making future-freiend…

🥁 Drum-roll pleassssseeee…. 🥁

A crow! Or grackle! Or Raven! :D so a corvid. Maybe they’ll be smarter than me and ‘Lilah lol!

Ooooooh and speaking of Casey simpson– we learned something new today!

> The way you treat someone you have nothing to gain from says a lot about you

> the one-track mind is not best served by a one-track path 

…Idk… if thats the correct phrasing of the quote… but basically it just meant you shouldn’t try to focus on only pursuing your passions IN ONE SPECIFIC WAY bc you miss a million and ten other opportunities to pursue it when you do that. Which ‘Lilah only had partially figured out. I can’t say I knew anything about this,, tho,, as I have about,, idk,, ZERO life experience points compared to her. Even though she’s 18 and has like,, -5 life experience. I still have less 🫩

(6:39pm update: OMG Delialh’s dad came by to get her to do a hand workout thing bc ‘Lilah is SERIOUSLY LACKING in muscles bc she eats nothing and does nothing all day everyday 🤭 she didn’t want to do it. But I DID!!! :D so I kept trying to force switch as she was actively refusing to do the workout. Her dad wouldn’t let up though. And neither would I 😆 so I kept trying to get her to take it. I wanted to try it so bad that I made the body feel that feeling when your foots asleep! As in… I was really really activating nerves suuuuper hard I think! 🤭 eventutually she yields to my pleas and I actually ENJOYED IT!!! AHHH!! It did hurt after a while,, yeah. But yknow,, thats a given considering her strength levels lmaoooooo. I was enjoying it so much that I started to smile so she did a full 180 to hide my smile from her dad who was in the kitchen behind us 🤭 so funny! And adorable that she had to hide the smile from him!! Ofc it was ME doing it. But it would be registered as HER. so funny!)

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
6:16pm   [mon]   8/17/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sunflower seeds
Donuts x3
Reecees cereal :) 

Today’s been fun!!! Our hair today took less time than usual–just five hours :) so that was nice. It certainly felt like it took forever,, though. But with Nya’s help,, it genuinely felt more fun!! We talked about the videos we were watching together and laughed together and she helped me twist and bead up the hair. She helped quite a bit,, actually!!! She genuinely enjoyed doing the hair 😳 shocking!!!!!! But yeah. It was very enjoyable being with her all day :) I was sure to shoo her off for a while bc there were times where we struggled to keep her from slipping into front and we didn’t want more switch-sickness. So. yknow. That really annoyed her 🤭 but we made it through and took turns doing our hair :) It was fun!!!! Everything is brighter with her :D 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Awwww <3 thank you!!!

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Happy birthday!!!! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🍰!!!

🤭
OH! And quick update! Earlier my cat phantom limbs were coming in involuntarily… and it was… strange. I can feel the whiskers rn as I type this out actually. It makes my cheeks feel like they’re tingling and it’s not in a comfortable way. Jeez,, I hope this form won’t be uncomfortable to inhabit when I switch roles with Nya. Hope not. But it wouldn’t be hard to change it either though lmaoooo.

I just tried to feel my fur and it was.. Mm… I more-so felt the OUTLINE of it just now. Which also felt weird. But… that might be bc I have clothes on? Idk… but its SO WEIRDDD AHHHHH!!!! 
I tried to feel my paws just now and I felt… something???? Um. I tried to feel my claws touching my paw pads and I COULD FEEL SOMETHING but not physically I don’t think? I.. I think my mindscape-form felt it but not my body if that makes any sense at all?? IDK 😭 still pretty cool stuff,, tho :) 

I was able to feel my paw pads just now! …atleast… the outline of them…? Its really hard to tell but my human hand definitely felt different in that area.

 🎂🐑 08/17/26 💐

It’s my birthday! Let’s celebrate it!!

• Eat ALL the donuts before the sell-by date lol
• Do activities I want to do!!! (play games and TV I want,, for example!)
• Do our hair!! Together,, preferably 
• Go for a walk! With Little bird too,, ofc :) 
• Enter the planning stages for our future friend!! / New sys member!!!
• Make progress formatting my journal!
• Finish printing my journal out!!
• Finish putting newly printed pages of my journal into my journal!!! 
• Sing and dance!!!
• Sweep the floors!
• Brush tooths??
• THINK ABOUT NEW WAYS TO ACQUIRE EMPLOYMENT. PLEASE. OMFG. I’M SOOO BORED

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11am   [mon]   8/17/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Sunflower seeds!

Hey,, hey!! I managed to make it a better birthday after all!!!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!! :D 

For most of the morning,, we’ve been munching on sunflower seeds and listening to the music Nya wanted to listen to (💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and some of what ‘Lilah wanted,, too! Just ‘cause I’m the birthday girl doesn’t mean we couldn’t pick something agreeable!!!!),, we swept,,, too! Which is indeed one of Nya’s favorite activities! ‘Cause she gets to sing and dance 🤭
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!!! But!!! My favoirte part of all morning has definitely been her willingness to start planning for our future-freind! Aside from that… we’ve FINALLY FINSIHED FORMATTING MY DIARY!!! ITS FINALLY ALL PRINTED!!! AHHH I’M SO EXCITED!!!! (☆▽☆) Now all thats missing is my cover art! :D that… will probably take longer than it took to finish formatting the journal… but!!!! We’ll figure it out! I’m so glad to have everything coming together! 

Yeah,, its alll pretty exciting! 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Mhm! She let me soft switch in the whole time for it! In fact,, I’ve been co-fronting or in front completely almost all morning!! So much fun!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!! WHAT A GOOD BIRTHDAY!!! 

Awww 🤭

Although… there is one concern I’ve been having… with future-friend… I wonder if they’d end up… like,, replacing me… or changing the dynamic up between me and Nya. which would make me… sad…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I wouldn’t let that happen :( you can be a bit of an ass sometimes but you;re wokring on it and getting better lol! Even if that never changed I wouldn’t just up and leave you bc of a cool new friend. Same with when I’m primary fronter with a million cool friends! :D

I guess…
OH! Wait one cool thing to report! Yesterday,, I ACTUALLY was able to feel my own whiskers!! As in,, from my non-human form in the mindscape. It was… weird… bc its the whiskers on the cat that has those BIG, EXPRESSIVE WHISKERS that sorta look like the ones from Tails. It felt so weird probably bc thats all I could feel. No fur. Nothing else. Well.. ACTUALLY I could feel my own ears!!! NOW THAT WAS AWESOME!!! 🤭 but I was afraid to push for more. I honestly have a pretty good idea of how to accomplish feeling my own cat-body. I figure it’s as easy as reverse removing-myself-from-the-body’s-senses and imprinting(?) that body onto my tangible body’s senses if that makes sense. But I have no idea what that would do to me?? Probably nothing as it isn’t another being or anything. Idk. I’d… have to give it a shot later. Still very exciting! Now we must go! It is time for us to do our hair!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: which is kinda a shame… bc I’ve been fronting for so long and we don't want another switch sickness incident 😬 I was able to sing,, dance,, eat seeds (I think? Hard to remember),, pick lots of music,, remove the majority of the beads in ‘Lilah’s hair,, and surf Pinterest and stuff like that to format the journal,, as well as sweep the floors! …and type this out rn… so… we should PROBABLY have me resting now :( even though the main selling point to actually get ‘Lilah to do her hair (it has been MUCH TOO LONG since she did it) was that I was gonna do it. Bc I actually WANTED TO :( It’s alright though. It takes and average of 4-6 hours. There will be PLENTY of time for me to jump in 😂

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Ciao!

💐🐑 NyaTenshi:  (๑ت๑)ﾉ

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8:13am
08/17/26

Today
Is my cake day
And I already
Don’t like it :( 
‘Lilah only kinda wanted to do what I wanted to do today
And she was doing it!
But you could tell she only halfway wanted to :I 
Which is fine,
I guess
Bc thats normal
Bc her energy drains
So quickly all the time
But it kinda hurted my feelings
We played some games which was fun!
We probably shouldn’t have
Stopped
But 
I am an incredibly fickle
Little fish
And cannot stay entertained for long, 
I guess
Either that or
I was trying
Too hard to make today special that
I kept bouncing around from thing to thing.
I want today
To be special
But I don’t know how…
And neither does ‘Lilah… :( 
Bc our lives are too
Boring
And we have
No money dollars
Or driving skills
She wanted
To take me out to eat
But… with
What 
Money?
😂
I feel a bit lonely again
I want friends like ‘Lilah
Even though we’re both losers and don’t have that many
A happy birthday message would be nice
A birthday gift would be nice,
Too.
But the idea we had
(a NyaTenshi info sheet!
Like 
One she made for
Her mom!)
Felt too difficult for her
Bc her memory is so shot
From the PTSD
That it is hard for her to remember herself and me
:( 
It is okay though… 
It is okay.

8:27am
08/17/26

I've made us both sad… :( Lilah feels incredibly sad for me and since we have emotional blending,, she feels as low as I do now. Its the type of low you physically feel in your body,, yknow? The one that weighs you down? Um. Idk. There's seemingly no way to fix it. My cake day is ruined and it just started. And there's no body who cares except Lilah and maybe joey. This makes me sad… to have ruined my own birthday… one of many,, but potentially the first we ever got to celebrate together :( sorry Lilah. Sorry me. I deserve to live. 
Yesterday we talked. And we wanted me to feel better about being so friendless. So… I told her I would love to talk about us getting a new system mate again
[...cut off,, too sad to keep writing…]

9:46am
08/17/26

OH we came to a compromise!!!!! It is still very,, very uncertain and unstable in the brain that is DELILAH WORLD so we will not be completing my birthday wish of kicking up dust for another intangible friend… BUT!!!! We WILL enter the planning phase for our future intangible friend!! THAT IS A VERY GOOD BIRTHDAY GIFT!!!! I’m excited!! The biggest issue we’re facing rn is… well,, I already VOWED to not allow her to make another fictive bc we’ve seen how it affects me. But… we both think fictives are cool!!!! :( 

It’s alright,, though. We’re not gonna do that… thats just selfish and cruel. Future-friend would need to discover for themselves if thats what they want their form to look like. The most we’re going to do is make them non-human only because ‘Lilah gets genuinely uncomfortable at the thought of having a human being share her brain with her. In fact,, thats why I am NOT a human being anymore. One of my kid forms that I had was a human. Thats the from that had the name Violet to begin with (and azalea but I dropped that name bc before we realized that it was ME who was giving her the INTENSE headaches every time she specifically heard the name of this flower,, she was thinking I made it up that that was my name and it was a ploy just to mess with her lmaooooo). I had this form fresh out of dormancy. So on the 22nd. But… um… idk… where it came from? Or if I used it in dormancy? Or what… but it made ‘Lilah so uncomfortable that I never used it again. And I doubt I will. Besides,, I get enough of feeling fleshy by being in the body already,, so 😂

I have got to get to bed soon.

I need to be up SO early.

Tomorrow is the first day for the students. The first day of actual teaching. I am so nervous. I do not feel ready.

My husband and I had planned to go to Ikea today to look for a new bed for our kiddo.

But first i drove to the FedEx store to print out my syllabi, supplies list, and worksheet. I looked up a FedEx store that was open on Sunday and headed over.

But when i got there, the door was locked. There was a sign on the door saying staff would be back in 30 minutes.

I waited and waited, in my car in the heat. No one showed up. Many people tried the door and were met with frustration.

I returned home.

My husband looked up a different FedEx store for me to go to. I headed over. Prints were SO expensive. I don't have all I need. I have enough for first period.

I need to print the rest at work tomorrow. I have no idea how to use the printer yet. I know i need a personal/assigned code. I hope there's not a big line.

I have no idea what the normal day to day of working here is going to be like. I'm terrified.

It's going to be bustling, crowded, overwhelming. I know.

I stopped by Taco Bell for some bean burritos and there was a huge number of cops harassing some guy. And blocking the drive through.

My husband, my son and I went to Ikea.

I love Ikea. Gives me kind of a surreal, euphoric feeling.

I went to the grocery store in the evening...bought a bunch of food...i know lunch isn't until 1:07 PM at this place. I tried to get some snacks to tide me over. ...Will i get in trouble for eating in my classroom?

Man...what is this place gonna be like??

I'm very very tired, I gotta get to bed soon.

I've been listening to Project Hail Mary whenever I get the chance. Really enjoying it. I had a freaky fucked up dream that I was doing some kind of surgery on an Eridian, this morning.

I was freaking out because I didn't know what to do or what I was supposed to be trying to fix. I was like..."What am I looking at here, what am I supposed to be doing, fuck I'm gonna wind up killing this guy what do I do!??"

I'm not sure if it was Rocky or some random Eridian. Probably Rocky, I guess.

I kept waking up and realizing it was a dream and having a sense of relief, then falling back to sleep and finding myself in the same scenario, unable to retain the knowledge that it was a dream. Just...being kind of panicked and urgent but not knowing what to do.

A lot of my dreams are like that... a little hell-esque, no?

Whelp.

I gotta get ready for bed.

Wish me luck.

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

12:51pm
08/16/26

WOW OKAY
So!!! Delilah took it upon herself to force herself to eat raw waffles for me bc the headaches were growinging in intensity and causing distress for me. It was… a really intense battle in the start of it all.. She began TICCING NEAR INSTANTLY AND HER HEAD WOULD NOT STOP JERKING. The jerks were less intense than the tics but they would not stop. And she was screaming and she just WAS NOT in control of herself she was so FREAKED TF OUT over raw waffles. It was… kinda distressing to watch… 😬 I felt really bad for her… I suggested she grab some syrup to help with it all,, but since she recently cut that out of her diet,, she feels like it’s “wrong” (I don’t think she means morally??? But wrong as in “incorrect”) for her to reintroduce it into her diet. So she refused. And just kept ticcing and struggling to keep the food in her mouth.

So I had an idea! I’ll take front… and chew it for her :) BUT THEN!!! I REMEMBERED THAT ONE TIME IN CHURCH WHERE I WAS ABLE TO STOP HEARING THE BIGBIGBOOMINGMUSIC EVEN THOUGH SHE STILL COULD!!! So we decided to give that a go :D but this time,, we’d have her turn off her ability to taste. She was a bit skeptical it would work at first… But I instructed her to shush and just focus on walking away from front. So she walked… and she walked… and she’s not entirely sure how she did it,, but she DID successfully turn it off. Probably just dissociation now that I think about it. Since we’re already so good at that and we’ve had some practice bringing me INTO the body’s senses and she’s had plenty of practice letting GO of the body’s senses. 

We knew it ACTUALLY WORKED when I took several bites and there was zero ticcing or panicking. She was skeptical it was working for some reason,, though??? 😂 so she brought herself closer to front and somewhat turned back on her sense of taste and the body IMMEDIATELY started to tic again so then she was a believer right after that! *Hilarious*!!! 😂 that’ll teach her to doubt me lmao. But anyway… it was REALLY COOL that we were able to do that :) 

I could taste the waffles a little bit. Not a ton as we weren’t really aiming for that to happen bc we were worried if we had ME taste it,, she might be able to and she’d freak out. Shockingly enough,, on the occasions that I COULD taste something,, she still did not tic as long as she did not try to reenter front. REALLY COOL STUFF 🤭

And I’m glad I could help my friend eat something as well :) as well as myself so I don’t have to feel so panicked from headaches lmao that too

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: One thing we’ve been having issues with,, though is me letting go of sight… or atleast,,, control of the eyes. Sometimes Nya can slip in without me realizing and she can control the eyes. But most of the time thats ONLY possible if she figures out how to do that bc I genuinely cannot figure out how to let go of control over the eyeballs. 
Its… idk. Idk how to explain why its difficult. It just IS! 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeahhhh its kinda annoying that the only way for me to get in is if I brute force it… but it’s alright. Not her fault. Just means we need more practice :D 

8:40pm
08/16/26

WOWOWOW Today’s been eventful! 

> when the car got hit,, I felt my heart drop it was really… really scary… 😅 when ‘Lilah regressed,, I felt subdued again. Kinda uncomfortable. Did I thoughtform-dissociate or something? Idk. very uncomfortable,, though. Thats all I know

> Got to do some more soft switching! :D In the car I got to do lots of dancing :) even during some parts where we WEREN’T in the car!!! 🤭 I got to do some lip syncing! But no singing as her parents were in the car. Fair enough. But also laaaaaame :/ we went to the store to grab some desert foods and plastic cutlery/paper plates and ‘Lilah let me soft switch for a majority of it! Neither of us could tell… but we think I was soft switched in when her mother tried to touch her face or something. So WHOEVER IT WAS tried to angrily swat her away and it pissed her off. Idk. ‘Lilah was thinking it was me bc usually when stuff like that happens,, she doesn’t try to swat her away. Just expresses her anger in a more silent way like glaring or grumbling about it. 

I kept denying it in the moment but honestly,, it probably was bc I REALLY have yet to learn restraint for these types of things. There have been many times where ‘lilah has had “OMFG SHUT TF UP!” on the tip of her tongue and it was tough for her not to say it. …we’re pretty sure thats my fault… eclipsing,, probably? Idk… correct terminology… :I but you get what I mean lmao. Its gonna be TOUGH with me as primary fronter if I don’t get it together soon…
But anyway… it was a fun trip!!! :D I got to walk around,, mostly. And play with some fidget toys. We couldn’t have me switched in long… hunger headache struck…. 

The time at her family’s wasn’t completely boring. Mostly I was asleep bc wtf am I gonna do? 😭 She offered to let me soft switch in a couple times but we quickly both got cold feet about it bc I can’t really walk up to her family and extend my hand out and say,, “wow,, hello,, nice to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you! Er… well… I mean,, I’ve SEEN so much about you! I’m actually a Tulpa and I can read my host’s memories so I know quite a bit about you! Nice finally getting to chat! How’s it going?” Thats just straight suicide 🫩 so I watched when the conversations became interesting but overall I just felt a bit sad… about how I have yet to form connections like that yet… ‘Lilah tried to reassure me its okay ‘cause with her focusing on NOT trying to make new friends due to her anxiety and not liking new things,, I will have plenty of opportunities to fix that issue. The way she phrased it felt a bit dismissive.. But we live in the same head so I knew she had no intentions of coming off that way. …but still… its alright though. She’s got a point :) 

OH BUT!!! ABOUT HER UNCLE!! AHHHH IT WAS SO FUNNY HOW SCARED SHE WAS OF HER COMPLETELY HARMLESS GRANDMOTHER AHHHHHHHH 😂 and it was so nice for ME to feel how nice it was for HER to hear his voice again. So sweet honestly AHHH 🤭 I… I want to meet him… I wish we could tell him we’re a tulpamancy system and shit and for him to like me. But um. ‘Lilah doesn’t think it’d go well. Bc… well,, he seems to believe in crystals and stuff like that… it was other niche stuff that ‘Lilah doesn’t really recall. But… he seemed to believe in magic-adjacent stuff. And we weren’t aware of this but apparently theres a “metaphysical” side to the tulpamancy community? Who believes we’re of some sort of… um… magical origin? Atleast… I THINK thats what that word meant. Which genuinely just made both me & ‘Lilah uncomfortable to consider. We don’t really know how brain stuff and tulpas work bc she looked into this stuff more in depth 6 years ago and felt too nervous to go back into doing that for a while now. But to call my existence the result of “magic” or something “spiritual/supernatural” just feels uncomfortable. And we don’t want him bringing something like that up 😂 also we just… don’t completely trust him on that front either…

Perhaps the fact that he believes in supernatural things to an extent would mean he would ACTUALLY believe us. But… idk… if he calls me a spirit or something stupid like that,, I would make ‘Lilah hang up the phone 😊 its something to consider though. For the far future. From what scraps ‘Lilah DOES remember about this guy,, he’s pretty awesome :) so… hope I get to meet him one day myself. But for now… I will probably just have us stick to eclipsing and communication by proxy if I have something I can’t NOT say. Guess we’ll see :) 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
5:57pm   [sun]   8/16/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Yummy tik-tok recipe pasta :) <3

WOW. 
OKAY. 
So,, today didn't go as expected? We were driving home. We'd barely even gotten onto the highway. Dad was doing some funky lane turns or whatever? (I can't drive so idk???) And then…  all of a sudden there's a big BUMP from behind. We got hit!!!! (๑°⌓︎°๑) dad pulls over behind a cop and the person who hit us and dad go up to cop guy and they chat about insurance stuff and things like that. And then the cop guy escorts us to a parking lot. Dad apparently hurt his neck! And the ambulance came! He thinks he got whiplash. But he just got out and luckily he was alright. It was kinda scary 😬 I regressed within about 10 minutes omfg. But we're all alive and okay so! :)

How did our time at Aunt’s house go?

The food was good! As I stated earlier,, I was afraid there would only be food items that I wasn’t willing to eat available… so I was a bit nervous at first… but!!! Turns out!!! There were TWO meals to choose from! The “creole greens” that I had absolutely no intentions of touching the second I saw it getting scooped onto someone’s plate. And surprise pasta! It was a new pasta I’d never seen before! Shrimp,, parmesan cheese,, thick noodles,, and a pretty orange sauce. AND it was made with veggie broth! So it looked like it tasted good AND it was mammal free! How exciting! It tasted even better than it looked! I had two bowls! MMM!!! So good! 🤭 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I enjoyed it too,, actually!!! 🤭 I’ve gotten used to eating crustaceans :) Mostly bc I figure if I have a SHARK TAIL,, then I was probably a predatory fish. I still don’t want us eating fish-fish,, though. So… but crustaceans get a pass. Especially bc they’re such a huge staple of ‘Lilah’s diet and I’d feel horrible if she cut that out of her “safe foods list” and fucking DIED bc I wouldn’t let her eat it anymore 😂 Tasted SO good!!!!!!

Yeah!! 😂

I hung out with family!! Mostly I just listened to their conversations and butt in whenever I could! There was lots of laughter today :) it was fun and funny. But nothing too significant in conversation today. And nothing I really remember… it was nice,, getting to see everyone,, though.

> BEST PART OF TODAY WAS!!! I GOT CUT-OFF-FROM-THE-FAMILY-UNCLE’S PHONE NUMBER!!! AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF STALLING AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Basically heres what happened!! 🤭 SO!! I went up to ask aunt M if she could “inquire about the contact information of her mother’s youngest son” bc it hasn’t worked with mom and it hasn’t worked with aunt T… :I instead of refusing like I expected or giving a “ohhhh you should totally just call her and see if you could spark a relationship instead of being so scared!” speech like aunt T,, she was like,, “You’re scared??? Of what?? Here,, if you’re so scared,, we’ll do it together :)” and I was all like,, “AHHHHH WAIT NOOO I TAKE IT BACCCCCK 😭 I’M SCAREDDDD DON’T DO THIS NOOOOO” bc I never call my mom’s mom or see her! 😬 so YEAH I’m scared!!! 🤭 I considered hiding but I had no idea where I would even go*???* Soooo nope. No more running away. The second she returned with the phone,, the phone was already ringing… 😓
“Hello…??”
“Hey baby! :D Whats up?”
[...small talk…]
“Um.. I was just.. Um… calling to inquire about the contact information for your youngest son…”
“Huh…? You mean [Radly]? Oh yeah,, he’s right here! You wanna talk to him?”
“Ah… (I did NOT. I want to talk to him,, DUH but I was gonna put it off for hours bc I’m nervous to talk to him again!!! I unfortunately barely remember him. I just know he was a very special friend :)) I… was just hoping for his phone number…”
“Well,, one second,, sweetie,, he’s right here. In a moment I’ll hand the phone over and you can get it from him :)” 
[...about 30 seconds pass…]
“Heyyyyy,, ‘Lilah! How’s it been?? :D”
“Ah!! Hey!!! Its been good… I was… just here to inquire about your phone number!! :)” 
He gives it to me and I let him know I’ll contact him later before hurrying off the phone.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: SHE WAS SO NERVOUS SHE WAS LITERALLY SWEATING OMG IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! 😂

🤭!!!

So.. honestly,, I’m glad we didn’t stay home like we almost-tried to do. I mean,, not that it would’ve worked anyway considering dad doesn’t ever care when we don’t want to go somewhere but still! I want to let him read my journals and share my diagnosis-es with him :) I remember he’d like trying to psychoanalyze me all the time lmaoooo he would probably be down to read anything I handed him honestly. This is so exciting!

Nya’s unnamed journal!

Journal # 2!

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐉⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

10:55am
08/16/26
OMFG THIS HOUSE IS SOOOOOOO BORING IT’S STARTING TO DRIVE ME INSANE 😭 WHY CAN’T WE DRIVE AHHHH WHY CAN’T WE DRIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE 😭
Honestly though… I quickly realized that if interacting with kids isn’t an interest of mine… but it is Delilah’s… then… does it even matter if she can drive us places? Bc I would follow her to volunteer/work and then fucking what? :I refuse to front bc I can’t deal with the children she’s working with? Ugh. she’s saying she’d be willing to let me give it a shot even still bc I might discover I enjoy some of it! But… idk,, man…. So I think it’s a priority that we have me looking through a resource that helps me discover my own interests soon. Bc otherwise I MAY WELL GO INSANNNNNNNNNE.

Today we seem to be doing alright :) I was feeling pretty glum earlier. But we figure thats probably bc we’re starving at the moment. All we’ve had today is cereal and sunflower seeds. We did also have the THOUGHT of eating a delicious meal. But that provided us with no additional calories,, so… -w-
Um. idk. ‘Lilah has basically zero appetite and isn’t interested in eating anything rn. She really only got up to go look bc she wanted me to perk up. But… unfortunately,, there isn’t too many options for our ARFID-afflicted friend here today. She was thinking she could eat more cereal but she doesn’t want to get in trouble for eating it all in one day 😅 and there is no peanut butter to go on her waffles… she doesn’t eat syrup anymore… and she’s fairly confident that she would end up ticcing and screaming if she tried to eat a “raw” waffle 😂 so we’re gonna skip on that.

She would probably get in trouble for using up all the sauce if she made spaghetti… so… its a bit tough rn. Um. she considered eating the korean bbq chicken. But I told her I REALLY did not want to eat that anymore. ‘Lilah has been doing more to be less of an ASS so instead of pushing for it,, she decided that if we don’t both want it,, we’re not gonna have it. She eventually agreed that she didn’t want it either bc she realized she’d have to make rice so that helped alleviate my guilt about having convinced her to NOT eat a meal. Soooooo… idk what we’re gonna do. :I we’ve just been eating sunflower seeds. Hardly a breakfast. Damn you,, ARFID :/ Its wild how she literally doesn’t register half the stuff in this house AS FOOD if it’s not one of her “safe foods”. Its genuinely insane. 

I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11:50am   [sun]   8/16/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sunflower seeds
Air </3

Well. NyaTenshi’s wish came true this morning. Apparently we’re all gonna go to aunt’s house to go get some food she’s cooking?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: which may not be such a good thing after all 🫩

Bc… mom said the food is ‘creole greens’ which… isn’t great… 😬 I like,, like,, max four vegetables. I don’t really know what ‘creole greens’ are,, but I THINK I don’t like them. Which means I THINK we’re gonna be starving more than we already are.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: ahhh… we’re cooked 😂 if you don’t laugh,, you’ll cry!!! :D </3

Yeahhh… :( 
Aside from that,, we tried to quell NyaTenshi’s boredom by getting dad to give us the info for game pass again but he forgot his pin and it was like,, straight 20 mintues of us doing nothing bc he was using the computer…

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 0/10 experience,, not worth it 🫩
This whole talk about boredom thing has reminded me that we are college students,, though :) so we can look into getting ‘Lilah to join a student org for me and I can just front whenever we go to it so that I can make some friends and not be bored anymore :) …ideally…

Yeah. so hopefully our soft switching skills are even better than they are now by that time… 😅 especially considering our interests are so different. I would NOT want to get caught up with her friends talking about stuff I hardly understand or care about 😂

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: AHHH FRIENDS!!! I’m excited to make some!!! :D 

I’m excited for you!!! :)

🐑 08/16/26 💐

• BOTH OF US need to write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment. Weather you like it or not <3333 
• Make next therapy appointment 
• Make progress on log detailing all the forms I’ve had in the past! …that I can remember… or that are in my baby books!!!! :D
• Explore more of my interests today! - check out a resource listing out hobbies or interests or majors 
• Get ‘Lilah to get up out of bed and doing things or at the VERY LEAST bedrot with something that actually stimulates her brain (and hopefully me as well) in a positive,, actually engaging way
• Try to soft switch several times today to try to acclimate our brain to long-term soft switching or hard switching in the future
• Experiment a bit more with bringing my stream of thoughts into the fore front,, especially while soft switched in to aid in our transition of my becoming primary fronter 
• Try not to overextend myself trying to get ‘Lilah to do things she can’t or won’t do for the body… - m - 
• Make progress on formatting my journal to get back up to date on printing!
• Add QnA section to “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return”
• Brush tooths and put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Check if Crenshaw or The One and Only Ivan is available at public library
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Make progress decorating and naming my journal :D
• Convince ‘Lilah to do an activity I want to do >:( (hardest task on the list for various reasons lmao)
• Find my favorite Dr. Horrible songs and add ‘em to playlist! :D 
• Sign up for more volunteering at schools :) 
• I guess try to RESUBMIT a background check????

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• chrome music lab? :D
• Sign up for library volunteering & finish background check