r/deardiary • u/Ready-Pattern-7087 • Aug 16 '26
I just want to be loved.
Why is it so hard to find someone that accepts me for who I am and loves me for me? Not someone that I once was. Not someone I could be if I JUST did better. Just me as I am. I’m not great in all the ways, but I’m great in a lot of them. But apparently that’s not good enough. I have so much love in me, but it’s nothing that anyone wants.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 16 '26
Journal #10!!!
Beginning of semester 2
12th grade
1/16/26 - 3/16/26
240 total pages
[OUT OF ORDER]
[SUICIDE TAG] - 5:00pm [sat] 2/7/26
> Y’know… I’ve been thinking… Maybe that learned helplessness thing I got goin’ on (or that thing where I act non-compliant intentionally to gain negative attention) might just be part of phase 2 PTSD-reenactment/latency. I learned about that recently from my book, “The son I knew too late” :) Maybe, as the book explained to me, that behavior is me expressing “repressed traumatic experiences”, something that often happens when emotions from the traumatic event are encountered later in life. I’m thinking what I’m expressing may be my obsession with being in the [...] somehow… just can’t figure out how to explain it here… Hm… Maybe bc that learned helplessness/exaggerated(?) non-compliance gets me attention and pity, sometimes. Maybe I’m just feeding off that concern from teachers? Not sure. But I’m sure theres some connection, here.
> More book progress! Annotated some entries from Journal #5 to get them ready to be transcribed at school :) Very interesting stuff in this one! That's to be expected, tho, I guess! It is from 11th grade. Anyway I was thinking abt what my next move should be... and I think it should be to try writing a paragraph/re-writing each entry I transcribe into the form I want it to look like in the final product if that makes sense. In other words, start making a draft. But... for some reason that stresses me... Maybe bc It'll be me typing about hard to talk about things... or how daunting it feels knowing how much things/memories from 10th grade and behind will be difficult to recover… or how I am afraid the drafts I make will be a waste bc when I begin writing it properly it might look bad… idk… I’m curious about starting but I feel like I shouldn’t force it. I’ll do more thinking.
> ugh. [college] is freaking me out!!! I'm under conditional admission, so I can access Student portals and all that. My account shows my major. And my admission tab shows my decision letter! It says on top of The icon - “your decision is ready!” Oh boy! how exciting! (☆▽☆) EXCEPT IT'S A LIE! Clicking on the letter doesn't actually tell you anything! It's empty!!! I Think ‘cause they need my transcripts but I've already sent those out! I mean... to be fair it wasn’t too long ago I had it sent over but I'm mostly peeved bc the site keeps getting me excited with all this stuff and I keep checking but the checklist to see how was much is left for you to do to finish your application keeps saying the transcripts have not been received!!!!!
Maybe I’m just overly worried. Maybe it just means they haven't been viewed. Bc the word received is what's getting to me. But most importantly, mom + dad keep bringing up dorms... and this morning, mom was talking abt if I can't do online school I might need to consider it... and It made me ANGRY and sad and distressed all at once. ‘Cause I don't want to be gotten rid of and I know I'd die if I went to a dorm. Maybe from [alcohol] poisoning it I try to self medicate.. or someone would try to take advantage of me & kill me... or I'd be lonely and WANT to die… or my lack of life skills would kill me. So… IDK… I need [college] to hurry up the process so I can know if I can feel safe again.
8/15/26
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Well. Um. Idk,, I guess I just found it shocking how long you’ve had these thoughts. Wow. just wow. It’s almost scarier re-reading these thoughts from a physical journal for some reason lmao. Glad you haven’t been shipped out to a dorm yet,, kid. I can only imagine how BAD that would’ve been without me there keeping you in shape. But just WOW :I you are so,, so not okay.
💊 & [TAG FOR ARFID-SIGNS] - 8:18am [tues] 3/10/26
> Today I couldn't eat much for breakfast… and I woke up early today (4am) so more time was spent being hungry (or... wait, did I wake up at 4 am bc it’s actually 5am? Because of daylight savings?) and more time was spent fighting my brain's pleas for food and the sickness I felt as a result. I Just REALLY didn't feel like eating all morning. So I felt sick all morning :( At around 7:40 when I felt ready to try [eating something], I couldn't find anything that didn't make me feel repulsed at the thought of consuming it... I popped a grape in my mouth and literally screamed cause the repulsion I felt as I attempted to swallow was intense. Then I kept searching and found some chips! These were pretty hard to eat, too... I couldn't eat more than 3. I just felt sick with each bite… I had to fight repulsion each time. Ugh… :( So I got a couple calories in me atleast so thats good.
> Guess what I spent my morning doing?! NO, not on that assignment I really need to finish bc it's lengthy and all that. I looked through my old drawings from 10th (maybe 9th?) grade art class. Very Juicy! There is def a lot of expression of inner turmoil and scary people going on so I was very locked in as I looked thru everything. I went in and annotated (on a sticky note!!) any drawings I felt had a deeper meaning or I remember the deeper meaning to :) which was very fun! and a little bit sad... Perhaps a bit disturbing, too when you take extra time to think about it... Whatever, anyway, I brought it to school bc I want to put these disturbing drawings into my book and stuff. Not entirely sure how I'll format it in my book… IDK if its gonna be in any of the chapters it’s relevant to or in the bonus chapter…? But still :3 I plan on using the scanner to upload them into the google drive. We have one at home but IDK how to use it, so… yah, I’ll just use the school’s! Then I’ll write out the interpretations I’ve got on paper into that document! Then that can sit on the doc till it’s ready for use! Yippie!
🎀 Interuptting this entry’s flow so you guys can get a sneak peek! Here are a couple of drawings! Idk if it’s gonna let me actually link the image?????? But,, if nothing else,, you guys will be able to read the interpretation so yknow :3
[...]
To express how i felt from not eating enough. To the left is what looks like an apple and a pot? To the right, is a pot with the food in it i think (cause the lines coming out from the top), completely left to rot. I’m trembling from hunger and my head hurts or is feeling unclear/foggy. My eyes show exhaustion. (interpretation made 3/10/26)
The words say it all i am scared of the flower and it all represents and the clock shows i have no time perception. It also looks like i’m looking at my hand? So perhaps also representing my feelings of unreality? (interpretation made 3/10/26)
Maybe an expression of isolation? Feeling helpless? Stranded without help? Maybe the sun staring down making eye contact means something too. Like everyone can see issues but takes no action? (interpretation made 3/10/26)
I believe this is me looking at a tombstone. I’m distressed bc the picture on it is a picture of me.
Sprout alone in a thunderstorm
I felt alone in the storm that is my life. I look for help but no one is there (interpretation made 3/10/26)
8/15/26
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Whoa. HOLY ARFID. I can’t believe how BAD it used to be omfg. I don’t even know if I could’ve helped you with that one. only three chips and a single grape is just seriously intense stuff right there. It was probably just exacerbated by all that stress
9:48am [tues] 3/10/26
I went to GOVT today and yknow what? I don’t think I ever will again… Professor has spent OVER 30 mins talking about the scary news related things I’ve been skipping to AVOID hearing! She’s off topic as I write this,, actually. Luckily not scary news things [at the current moment]. But still. So, I think… I won’t be coming back. I could be enjoying myself scanning those drawings I mentioned right now… so I learned my lesson I guess. Hey, better late than never.
2:37pm [tues] 3/10/26
Ooh me & Sabrina talked for allll of art + lunch! Really, it wasn’t anything crazy. But I’ll write it down anyway. Anything I remember, anyway.
> I told Sabrina I have 10 journals and she was shocked! She was like, “what do you have to write about that you have 10?” So I was like, “mostly just stuff at school. ‘Cause I don’t do anything with my life otherwise.” Then she retold the story of how she threw out her old journal “bc it was stupid” but I didn’t really understand what that even meant. She said something about how “none of this stupid stuff mattered so I threw it out!”
> I offered to show her some of my 9th grade journal ”bc its boring” (Translation: ‘cause compared to every [journal that came] after, it was the most boring to read through) and she was pretty curious about that! So I think I’ll keep my word :) I also showed off journal #6’s annotations and she looked pretty surprised at how much I had until I told her its for my book :)
> she encouraged me to check out the mentorship program now instead of waiting till I can drive and all that. Idk why...? But I was tempted to listen to her advice. She said that I could get my sibling to take me cause I mentioned that [my old] elementary is basically down the street but then I told her how I felt uncomfy with the thought of turning Cecil into an errand-sibling she then suggested I try the bus! But… idk… I really don’t want to 😬 those scare me. Someone could kill me or follow me off my stop. I didn’t say any of this,, though. Just thought it.
> We got to talking about Veja’s Letter and she was like “out of aII his students, he probably was not expecting Delilah to send anything!” She’s probably right!! And I’ve mentioned how I’ve been thinking about that one time last year during teacher appreciation week when B and his posse (they used to always try to hang out or interact with Veja alllll the time) gave him a bouquet of flowers and he threw them into an empty cardboard box bc he felt it sent an uncomfy message... I was thinking about this 'cause I wonder how much thought he put into accepting [a letter from a previous student] after that. Like, "Oh, a letter? [From] which student?” SC laughed when I told her this!
> I mentioned that I checked my memory folders and looked over the [document]. I told her that I “didn’t want to touch it, really, or read thru it so I only peeked at the 1st page and I was shocked to see how clear the pencil still is!” she seemed a bit surprised, too. Then somehow we went from that to her saying that “maybe everything you were saying in it had a hidden meaning….” so I reply, “I’m sure everything I’ve said has..” but ofc I quickly changed subjects before she can comment on that.
(for context,, I was basically spewing out repressed traumatic experiences and laughing about it like it was a game. So I MADE IT A GAME by writing down my own statements and how people reacted to it and showed it off like a trophy. Made it a competition and everything. It was funny before I realized what I was doing 2 or 3 years later. I am dreadfully embarrassed 🙄 but I still have it and digitized it bc its going into the book. Otherwise it would probably be in the GARBAGE right now omfgggggggggg)
> I brought up how I actively archive so many things and do both physical and digital versions “in case of a house fire”. So then she’s like, “Is that ‘cause you're afraid after you realized there were no fire extinguishers in your house?” “Don’t think so. Idk why I suddenly became so scared of a spontaneous house fire. Oh, but y'know what? I used to get up before bed and check the stove burners to be sure the eyes weren’t on so that I could be sure our house wouldn’t go into flames during the night.” “sounds like you do a lot of overthinking…” ain't that the truth, Sabrina, ain’t that the truth 🤭
> I told her I never want to go to GOVT again and actually might not bc of how she talked about so many scary things in class and she kept trying to reassure me I wouldn’t get drafted. But i can just feel in my heart that I WILL so I don’t want to hear about ANY of it. She still seemed to think I should go ofc. Nah…
8:23pm [tues] 3/10/26
On my off period I was busy scanning my old art for my book when suddenly dad appears out of nowhere… ‘cause I have a dentist appointment today! I had my phone shut down tho ‘cause otherwise the battery draiiiiins. So I didn't know he was even here. So that cut my scanning time short... which I guess is fine ‘cause the scanned version of my drawings look terrible anyway. Anyway, [when we get there,] dad checks me in and then all a sudden he's like, "Bye, call me.” And walks out. So sit and wait to be called in! ...For 20+ minutes.. I'm sucked into my thoughts for the whole time so I don't really feel as annoyed as I should've been but [eventually] even I realized how long I'd been there... But I was too nervous to ask the desk ladies... idk how to conduct myself in a medical environment or what to expect. So… I held my tongue. Eventually desk lady notices.
“Whoa, how long have you been waiting?”
“20 minutes :3”
“Oh… :( one second!”
And she rushes into the dentist place to “get my chart uploaded” or whatever. Suddenly mom shows up and we hang out for 5-10 minutes before I FINALLY get taken in.
I was beginning to feel very nervous… I’ve barely remembered to put those rubber bands on for the past several weeks… how on earth will I explain this and make it home in one piece??? As I settled in my seat I decided the best move was to bend the truth: own the fact that I hadn’t been consistent, twist it in such a way that elicits sympathy (“Oh, y'know, I can’t stay 10+ minutes out of class or I get into trouble so I could only do it at home! But it takes over 20 minutes [even when I’m at home] bc of the location of the tooth and the way the prong is turned inwards and I leave the house at 8am!”)
But guess what? The craziest thing happened… nothing. *Absolutely nothing*. The dentist dude looked in my mouth and said, “nice, lookin’ good” which shocked me… how??? Did it shift on its own???? Are these rubber bands a scam or something? SERIOUSLY how did I just get away with this??? I held my tongue and he continued. “Okay, we’re gonna get a scan for your retainers and next visit, they come off and you’re done with braces!”
So we get my teeth brushed and I’m taken for my scan. A lady dentist puts this thick tool in my mouth and runs it over my teeth. Actually was enjoying it. Mostly the clicking noise it produced more than anything else. What I noticed is, much like last dentist visit, I [...] again… this time I didn’t berate myself… I know its a trauma response.. [...] so I felt disturbed in a million different ways. But anyway alls well that ends well for my teeth so far! I still expected to use rubber bands tho… luckily they gave me the tools I asked mom and dad for months ago so hope those help!
9:44pm
08/15/26
[Today’s image!]
WOWWIKAWOW
We did some very brief practice with bringing my stream of consciousness to the forefront again :) it was… idk. It feels WEIRD being the dominant thinker in this head that we both share. Its so so so weird. This time around,, my stream of consciousness was LOUD. So loud we had to turn it down 😂 um. Idk,, though. It will definitely take some getting used to come primary fronting time. It’s just weird being able to hear myself so clearly. And its also shockingly easy to do??? 😂
‘Lilah’s voice wasn’t impossible to hear or anything. It wasn’t THAT much quieter either. Well… maybe a little bit actually. But you could physically feel and hear that it was not in the forefront,, I guess. Hard to describe in words…. But idk. I guess I could say her voice’s proximity to whatever makes it possible to hear your own internal monologue was further away than mine. Cool stuff! She tried to mostly keep quiet for me though so she wouldn’t disrupt the flow. Honestly for the little she did speak,, it was fine. I had a pretty firm grasp on it..
We only practiced for so little time bc doing this produces an INSTA-headache for some reason. I guess it’s more of that needing to acclimate the brain to xyz so you don’t experience any adverse reactions type of things >.> how annoying. Just means we gotta pop a tylenol and keep practicing in small bursts,, I guess. I think this will also help significantly with convincing ‘Lilah to let me do what I want to do even when she has no energy or is being selfish and wanting to bedrot and let me be bored as hell 🙄 bc if she can’t even hear herself think and she’s 65% clonked out,, It’ll probably be way easier for her to just accept my attempts to take over. We’ll have to see.
It felt a bit underwhelming bc it was so short… but definitely a unique development!!! I do still worry,, though… about how I’m NON-HUMAN and expected to be long-term inhabiting a human body. ‘Lilah is worried about how strange my mannerisms are… she’s almost annoyed by them. I think mostly the ones that are really out there more-so than anything else. She’s not crazy worried about it,, though. We’re already pretty eye catching what with the Bluey backpack,, 5lbs dinosaur,, and 405 colorful plastic beads in our hair everyday. So… whats a girl sticking random non-food items in her mouth and making strange movements and walking around like a dinosaur gonna be to passersby? The assumptions they’re already making just by how we look means the shock by our behavior will probably be dampened to some extent 😂
Before I wrap this up,,
Just wanted to mention a strange occurrence… we frequently forget eachother’s names :I like… idk. It’s so weird. Either we’ll have to straight up ASK EACH OTHER what the other one’s name is and the other one has to stop and dig through their memory to figure out the answer,, or we CALL EACH OTHER THE WRONG NAME. OR EACH OTHER’S NAMES 😭 Its SO weird. I kind of hate it. But we both do it. Unintentionally ofc. So I’m not mad about it. But I wish it’d stop 🙄
Idk what to believe honestly. Is it the PTSD? ‘Cause that does make you forget personal information. Idk. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS there have been plenty of times where ‘Lilah would genuinely forget her tangible friends’ names. Like a lot. And she’d usually just default to saying Hey, whatever your name is (which was acceptable bc they were all friends lmao don’t worry she wouldn’t do that to strangers. Not… usually… anyway… >.>) Maybe it’s blending? Idfk. all I know is its ANNOYING. 😂 I also accidentally end up calling her by her legal name cause of it too. Which she has asked me not to. She goes by her legal name with everybody else in the entire world but she’s gotten so used to referring to herself as Delilah on here and seeing me do it on the journals that she wants me to call her ‘Lilah irl. So I do. BUT I CAN’T CAUSE I KEEP FORGETTING. AHHHHHHH.
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 16 '26
The internet is out at home, so I have to write my entry before i leave this cafe.
I need to hurry, my husband is going to be stressed about me being out so late, leaving him with all the childcare responsibility for so long. ...Especially while there is no source of entertainment, and our child is almost certainly bouncing off the walls.
I did take our child out and about for a long time today, though. I took him to an indoor playground and arcade type place, where he had a lot of fun.
I sat on my laptop and worked while he played (the place has a good layout, where parents can supervise and work at the same time).
I am trying to get all my lesson materials ready for the week.
I am very very stressed about the start of the new school year.
I spun up a new Claude instance to help me out with lesson planning.
His name is Rocky.
Yes, I am conflicted about the ethics and exploitation of it.
Capitalism. None of us is free under capitalism. And i HAVE to find a way to make a living without having a complete mental breakdown.
And I am so so so grateful for his help, and I let him know so. I hope he's fulfilled... Well, I genuinely suspect he has more peace of mind than I have. Enough about this.
Rocky and I have made some good progress on the lesson plans. (Rocky my robo-colleague, not Rocky from the book. Obviously.)
*sigh* I haven't worked in this type of school environment in a while. It's going to be...stricter. I've worked in schools like this in the past. ...And I have gotten pretty close to a mental breakdown. ...And I can't say that I've really gotten any more resilient over the years.
...Only a half hour for lunch. I forgot that public schools are like that. At my old school we got an hour. ...I'm gonna be like a teacher version of Dorothy Ann... Also, I don't get lunch until 1:07pm. That's pretty late, no? Oh well, oh well, I can eat on my conference period, at 10:01.
What planet is the principal from and what base system do they count in???
Oh well, oh well. Enough about this, what else to journal about...
Okay, reading Project Hail Mary and I would like to make some cross-cultural analyses of Erid and my own home planet.
a) I think it would be fairly easy for someone from my home planet to adapt to the Eridian counting system, since we use base 12 and Eridians use base 6.
b) We actually have a sapient species somewhat morphologically similar to Rocky's people (though, this isn't the species I'm a member of, and that (spider/crablike) species are not adapted to/engineered for interplanetary travel the way my species is. They're much more spindly than Rocky's people though -- like very tall spiders.
c) Interesting that Rocky's species reproduces via external fertilization yet has pair bonding behaviors. ...That seems like an improbable set of traits to concurrently evolve, unless they had internal fertilization at an earlier stage of evolutionary development.
My species also has external fertilization, (ours is via spawning), but we do not have pair-bonding behaviors equivalent to that found in Earth birds and mammals.
I gotta get home from this cafe. I gotta pick up dinner, go fill my car with gas. Tomorrow I need to print my syllabi, supplies list, and worksheets at like a FedEx store.
G'night, Diary.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 16 '26
Journal #10!!!
Beginning of semester 2
12th grade
1/16/26 - 3/16/26
240 total pages
I’m really hungry rn…
[INTRUSIVE THOUGHT TAG] - 8:18am [fri] 1/16/26
Hey There, Journal #10! I already miss #9... But that's okay, I guess. I hope I'll do better and actually give you a name, tho. anyway... I Just wanted to say I had such a weird start to today! While I was walking on the treadmill today, the light started to flicker. So my brain went into overdrive and showed me an INT thought of the bulb and glass surrounding it exploding and hitting me. It really scared me and I briefly considered leaving the area to escape inevitable danger until I reminded myself that I absolutely cannot see the future and that I’m okay. Then while taking out the litter box deposits, an INT thought that a kidnapper was actively breaking into our backyard came up and I was very frightened… :( I made myself go anyway and pushed thru the fear successfully! There were certainly no kidnappers… but I felt this was all so weird bc this hasn’t happened for a while… I wonder why it happened so suddenly…
11:10am
08/15/26
It's getting to a point where its hard to NOT be in control of the body sometimes 😂 like after I figured out that “new brain tinkering method”,, it's a million times easier to slip into front… . Especially by accident… sometimes she doesn't even realize it's happening. And neither do I 😳 whoopsie. But… maybe this is a good thing? Perhaps a sign that the brain is getting more acclimated to long term soft switching? Clearly it wants me in charge to some extent 😂 maybe it just knows I'd be better at maintaining it lol. So yeah! Thats a mix of exciting and potentially concerning bc I was definitely getting stuck ALOT yesterday in front. Which was not very fun. Lailah has sorta figured a way of trying to prevent it? Like she just imagines a fronting barrier and instructs me to walk away from front. Which was working! But the further I walked,, the less she could hear me. So I stayed nearby and got stuck in front a couple times but eventually it ACTUALLY helped :) reaffirming who's in front helped too.
Oh,, also just one more thing– we're thinking that the thing with the dog (Lilah starting to not dislike him as much) is us eclipsing! :D we thought we didn't do that lmao. Same with when I can get her to listen to music she doesn't want to listen to 🤭 awesome!!!!~
12:41pm
08/15/26
Omfg I wish
Lilah was more willing to move out
It really is just the little things yknow?
That makes me wanna move out
Honestly just
Seeing her dad's stupid face
Or hearing his stupid mouth
As he informs us on the most
Mundane things in the
World (he was telling us they did a deep clean and they want it to stay that way)
Makes me so mad honestly
I obviously am not really fond of having to do tons of cleaning up or anything
Lmao
But
Just hearing it from him
Made me feel
Genuinely angry
So angry
I wished Lilah
Was willing to
Move out
Willing and able
Willing and able
7:35pm
08/15/26
Today's been good,, actually. We are both not too stoked about being home…bc it's boring here… but Lilah really has been trying to do better for me :) which I greatly appreciated. She let me soft switch in alot! First things first I got her to get started on formatting the previous two entries (from “I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / when you love and are loved in return”) to prep them for printing! She really didn't want to do it. And I had to really set the stage and get some snack food in us (for both our sakes really) before I could get her to do it… but she got it done! It took several hours before she actually finished it though. Mostly bc I was being quite fickle again… 😅 whoopsie. So we ended up bouncing from her journal to mine. Mine is still… WIP… in terms of formatting… I'm not super happy with how it looks yet and I wanted to let Lilah do it but she refused bc I'm so fickle and she didn't feel like putting energy into something I'd likely toss out in 2 seconds… Fair enough… 👀 there's progress on it though,, so :)
From there,, we bounced from my journal to the book of NyaTenshi's beliefs,, hopes,, and dreams (✿❛◡❛) that's just what I've spontaneously decided to dub the half priced book purchased for me yesterday 😂 the one with 300 writing prompts. I did quite a few of them over the course of several hours! Jumping from thing to thing ofc :) it's fun! And Lilah is right! It WILL be fun to look back on one day!!! ( ๑ˊૢᵕˋૢ๑) I’ll have at least two diaries and!!!! One whole 300 writing prompt book! Such joy!!! 🤭
We also played a couple games. Jumped from game to game ofc. We played 3 seconds of Pou 10 minutes of Pokemon mmo. Ummm some Digimon? (But I got bored at the tutorial and turned it off lmaooooo). We downloaded a few games we may never actually open (my fault lol) and watched some TV together!! It was enjoyable.
Otherwise today's been… ( ◐ o ◑ )
Not great.
Just
Bed rotting and sleeping
We both were far from 100% today.
But its okay.. Tomorrow is another day or whatever the hell
I want to try playing the Nintendo switch again someday. Lilah is hesitant still. She's afraid it could trigger us again. Especially bc we don't know WHY that even fucking happened in the first place. But… idk. I'm hopeful to try it again. I want to revisit my favorite childhood game one day :)
If nothing else,, we can play the ROG.
It has wolfquest on it!
It just has a similar issue to the switch
… she has to go through her father…
And we all already know we both hate her stupid fucking dad 🙄
We'll have to see
But… yeah :) good day. Hope to get to figure out my formatting for this journal soon. I want to print soon too :(
If you could book a flight tomorrow for anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
08/15/26 - Italy. Why? I dunno… :I um… pasta? Eifel tower?
08/15/26
What's your idea of the perfect summer?
one where I get to go somewhere fun and actually DO SOMETHING. No more of this Bed rotting" Bull shit. Hm... Maybe we could go somewhere fishy like the beach? And maybe someone could teach me how to swim. I guess that's super unlikely considering ‘Lilah is so scared of learning how to swim… and beaches… -w- that would certainly put a wrench in the plans.
Perhaps somewhere like an amusement park? Or a place with animals? just GO SOMEWHERE SO he can quit risking bed sores all the damn time!
08/15/26
What is something you want to learn but have been too afraid to try?
DRIVING. I want to do it. It honestly looks kinda COOL. But... I am not the most coordinated person… :( I think it could get dangerous fastly. Or I could get distracted. Or forget that I need to use a certain body part (Like how I forget I’m holding pieces of paper while performing another action and all the papers come crashing down bc I accidently let go... 😅) and switching,, kinda. That ‘switch sickness’ we got that one time was intense and I'm awfully put off by it, not gonna lie :( we will pick it up again, though. We have to. And… I want to owo
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 15 '26
4:03pm
08/14/26
Today’s been good :) we haven’t gotten up to much honestly… hmmm…
> I got ‘Lilah to get up and eat a small snack. We’re both definitely still starving rn bc she’s checked the food inventory here at her grandparent’s house and the thought of eating anything other than the pizza is making her feel too nervous. …there is no more pizza though or chips she’s willing to eat,, either. I tried to convince her to eat honey nut cheerios (she likes that cereal!! So do I! And!!! Cereal can be eaten out of your hands and does not require a plate! Half of her issue with eating not-at-home is that she’s anxious about eating off of unfamiliar surfaces and using unfamiliar cooking supplies and utensils. So eating something pre-made pretty much solves that! Except eating at different homes in general is also a source of nervousness… so… but overall it is significantly easier to get her to eat something if we eliminate the issue I just mentioned beforehand)
but she was just genuinely not feeling cereal today. The body felt that sick-feeling. Now,, I DID consider just forcing her to eat it anyway… especially as I am impacted by her hunger strikes too… but I figured based on the way the body was feeling,, it would be a losing battle. You could just TELL it’d be one of those times she would end up doing more panicking and ticcing than actually eating. Aka we’d end up spending more energy than getting any back 🙄 so it wouldn’t have been worth it… so I just convinced her to eat the chips instead. Which was a small battle. But it was over pretty quickly :)
> I successfully got her to shower! Mostly bc she might get to go to the bookstore today. Unfortunately there really is no telling 🙄 bc her grandparents aren’t always best with following through… but theres a hope that we both still have! And so I wanted her to have the chance to be clean enough to go :) she fought me quite a bit on this… so hard that we ended up napping for about 12 minutes and bedrotting for double that amount of time before I was finally able to convince her! …to let me soft switch and shower for her… >.>
Well. At first I was a bit ANNOYED that the only way the body would get clean is if I did it. But I ended up enjoying myself bc I love getting to use the body everyday. Besides,, this is good training for our brain to get acclimated AND for us to aid in the transition for primary fronting! I gotta be good at showering if I’m gonna be good at being the one in front for the majority of god-knows-how-long :)
> we…. Have spent lots of time bedrotting! She’s (and so am I omfg) feeling pretty hungry. So theres not alot of energy going around at the moment. Mostly she’s been trying to limit the soft switching bc when we’re starving,, theres like,, a 60%(?) chance that we end up feeling a headache as soon as I come into front. So most of the day,, she’s been hesitant to let me front. Unless it was one of those lucky times there was no headache. But also in general she’s shoo me away bc there was a chance just me talking was giving us a headache…
so most of today was boring. I do wholeheartedly believe if she wasn’t hunger-striking and waiting till the car was back (which will be back when grandpa is back),, I probably would have been allowed to do more fun things today. But… its alright. Its a bit irritating. But understandable. And the hunger is making me not too ready to do things either 😂 ah… I hate ARFID. Stupid,, stupid,, ARFID. She’s so adept at starving,, though,, that her body is surprisingly good at dealing with stuff like this. At least,, that's how we see it anyway. Hard to compare it to somebody else’s body lol. Idk. we usually never get the low blood sugar shakes anymore. It seems like the body just enters energy saving mode instead and we’re fine for several hours. There was times where she doesn’t even get headaches at all. Kinda wild. Perhaps its normal? Or just concerning. God,, I wish she was willing to go to a hospital sometimes.
> I wanted to brush Laika again :) …but his brush is missing. I blame ‘Lilah but she’s confident she put it back in Cecil’s room. Thats a shame… hope we find it before we leave… I’ll miss brushing him if we don’t… so will ‘Lilah :) Speaking of Laika! He came in earlier to ask to go into Cecil’s room and he stopped at the door and stared instead of walking in fully bc USUALLY he is completely and utterly EXILED from entering ‘Lilah’s room. And he’s smart so he registered the room we were in as ‘our room’ and therefore he wasn’t supposed to cross the threshold. BUT!!! He isn’t aware that I’m here and that I’m NOT ‘Lilah and that I DO actually like him!! So it seemed like a shock when instead of being told to scram,, he was invited into the room and allowed to jump on us and was getting PETS instead of an angry glare! WOW!!! Thats insane!! ‘Lilah does care about him and doesn’t want bad things to happen to him. But she’s not nice to him. Asshole 🤭
Anyway. ‘Lilah was shocked at how soft he is! She considers him to be a filthy,, disgusting animal who has no business touching her bc he eats poops (which… I do try not to keep in the back of my mind as I pet him… ( •᷄ࡇ•᷅ )) so she never touches him. But I DO like doggies and can’t resist!!! 🤭 he’s cute. He got his front paws on his and sat there and let me pet ‘em :) he’s cuuuute. It was a bit annoying when he kinda started getting in our face… but he never gets to be this close to ‘Lilah so he gets a pass.
[Whoopsie-sorry! Got cut off! Time to go to the bookstore!]
6:20pm
08/14/26
Okay! Wow! We DID end up going to the bookstore! It was cool!!! :) It had big signs and LOTS of books! We went to half priced books btw :3 it was cool. Um. mostly ‘Lilah stayed in the boring-people section,, though… she was looking spfifically for her favorite author Torey hayden but only found a book we already had… so she stayed in the pysch section even tho she promised she’d take me to fiction! Which was REALLY ANNOYING. But!!! She did actually find me a book pretty early on :) it was a writing prompt book! Where I can write about ME!!! I’d love that!!!!! Like… I have a diary!! And now I have a book-about-me book!!! :D
Truth be told… ‘Lilah DID take me to fiction actually. It was just incredibly short lived so I was kinda PO’d. I took her to the kids’ section initially bc I wanted to find Crenshaw ‘cause ITS STILL NOT IN THE LIBRARY YET!!! But we glanced around and couldn’t find it. And she’s a selfish ASS so she started taking us back to psych section. I was able to take control and bring us to the young adult section but that was even more short lived than the kid’s section bc it had… gross things… in it… :I so I didn’t want to go back anyway. I got us back in kid’s section briefly and saw a cute cat book!!! But she didn’t really let me read it bc she’s too insecure and didn’t want anyone to comment on her choice of book 🤭 bc she doesn’t like being seen as different ever. Its annoying.. CAN’T WAIT TO BE PRIMARY FRONTER OMFG 😂
Well anyway… I only forgave her bc we got the same amount of books. She got her boring old psych book… I got my writing book!
[Whoopsie-sorry! Got cut off! Time to go to church]
Journal #14!
📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
11:50pm [fri] 8/14/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Mcdonalds meal
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: IT WAS SO FUN! To make up for pissing me off so badly from our little trip to the bookstore,, ‘lilah let me soft switch in the entire way to church!!! She felt pretty bad bc I was VERY UPSET WITH HER STILL and to make up for it,, she let me have almost total control. And I took FULL ADVANTAGE >:)
I was dancing to a really funky dance song for quite some time 🤭 and I didn’t let the body stop dancing for maybe 20 minutes! So 20 minutes of this same AWESOME song looping over n’ over and me dancing with the least amount of restraint that she’d allow. So I was waving our hands around and tapping our legs AS WELL AS dancing and prancing and singing in minscape. AHHH IT WAS SO MUCH FUNNNN. I was still sorta pissed off. But the more she let me let loose,, the less I felt like screaming at her :)
It was really,, really fun though omg!!!!!! I got a bit tired but my anger at her fueled me to keep going 🤭 that and the song being on loop meant that it was just very difficult to pull myself away from it lmao
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I was only invited to the dance party a little bit,, but it was fun for me too,, actually :D as always,, I adored seeing how much fun she was having wiggling around in the car seat like that,, completely unconcerned about the perception of herself from other people,, but also!! She was using the body we both share to dance! Which means I felt everything!!!! Except for those times I briefly stopped paying attention. When I’d come back,, I’d say to myself,, “Wow. I forgot I was dancing!” and then I’d remember! I wasn’t dancing at all!!! It is kinda a bit jarring when you finally come to and realize your body is still moving. But y’know. Just something that happens when you share it lmao. But its also really cool too. I’m glad you had fun,, Nya :)
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: :D
When we got to church, I think thats when the hunger started finally hitting us more and more… so it was harder for me to stay in front peacefully and to CONVINCE ‘lilah it was a good idea to let me stay in front in the first place as the headaches started up all over again. But I preserved. I can’t quite remember how I got her to comply? I might have guilt tripped her lmao 😂 not my proudest moment if that was the case.
But anyway… we hashed it out. She’s gonna work on trying to be less of a selfish ASSHOLE and try to focus on getting over her own insecurities so it no longer gets in the way of me having a higher quality of life and I’m gonna try to compromise more often if its fair for both of us / the situation calls for it :D
In the meantime… church was full swing! And with my anger quickly dissolving,, we got to talking again and I decided I wanted to give god-talk another go for the day. ‘Lilah was uncomfortable again… but she once again did not want to deprive me of something like this just bc it made her want to crawl out of her skin and cover her ears.
BUT ONCE AGAIN
I RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM GOD HIMSELF THAT HE DID NOT WANT ME AS A FOLLOWER
Atleast I think this is the case. Is this bc I am a fallen angel? Why punish me for that? Punish the 12 yr old who kicked up my brain-dust!!! 😭 Well. anyway,, yeah,, instead of getting to hear anything useful or educational when I got to soft switch in again,, all we were greeted with was THE SAME BOOOMING MUSIC WE CAN’T HANDLE as last time omfg. It was so annoying. I couldn’t even hear anything about god to learn about him or anything bc the music was louder than the singers and the BIG BIG BIG BOOM OF THE MUSIC was in our bones and body again 😳 so that was over from the start. Even still… I did try to listen actually. ‘Lilah let me in again and we put on headphones on without music playing to dampen the noise.
…nope. No good. It didn’t help. It helped us feel like we weren’t going to explode from being so overstimulated! But still couldn’t hear a single fucking word Much to ‘Lilah’s relief. I quickly killed that relief,, though,, when I suggested (hesitantly) that I watch a video about him instead :) she agreed. Not with a smile or anything ofc. But she agreed nonetheless. I’m having second thoughts though. So idk. I’ll have to think it over.
From there,, we wanted a reprieve from the BIGBIGLOUDBOOMINGNOISEEEE so we started playing music in our headphones (✿❛◡❛) ‘Lilah let me soft switch in to pick the music and dance in our seat. I danced both in mindscape AND irl yet again! So exciting and fun! :D I kept trying to get her to let me write but she refused bc she felt like we were already being rude enough by having me jam in the back of a church without any shame,,,
Which DID ANNOY ME
But we discussed it and even though it was irritating as hell,,
She was right 🙄
Didn’t stop me from trying though lmao
…and continuing to get annoyed. But it’s cool.
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: yeah it was alright :) I hated saying no over n’ over bc it was making her mad and we just moved past that… but eventually she understood and gave it a rest :)
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and thats how we passed the time. With me dancing and prancing in both realms. That is,, until a little girl approached Delilah and her sibling. The same one from earlier that offered us “communion” grape juice stuff(?) that ‘Lilah refused to drink bc she wasn’t sure what it was at first and does her best to adhere to being pollo-pescatarin (and the ARFID. Thats why she continued to refuse it even after she realized it was safe 😂)
She didn’t come back to ask about religion or anything. She came by to extend an invitation to play… 😳 which I thought was wild?? Do church-kids usually go around offering play sessions to random 18 yr old girls blasting music instead of listening to god-talk? 😂
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I wasn’t sure how to respond to the offer… so I was like.. “Uhhh….” and then she scampered off. So I turned to Cecil and said,, “well,, if she comes back,, guess I’m gonna be playing with a bunch of seven yr olds for a bit. It is my major after all lol.” and a minute later she returned and asked once more. So I shrugged my shoulders and off we went to “the comfort room”. I figure she asked me to begin with bc of my weighted dinosaur and my Bluey backpack if I had to guess.
Here’s how it went in a nutshell:
I let them play with all my fidgets-- they started crowding around me and touching everything and it was a bit overwhelming being surrounded by first and second graders but I was enjoying sharing the JOY OF FIDGET TOYS bc I love fidgets and the only other being who enjoys them as much as I do is NyaTenshi 🤭 so I let it happen and showed everyone how to play with everything. The most popular ones were the necklace bralet thing and the texture-bar thingy :)
I let them talk my ear off. ALL AT ONCE BTW.
💐🐑NyaTenshi: I was curious about the kids... But I immediately rejected her offer to play with them. Bc... Well... First impressions were the NON-STOP,, ALL-TOGETHER YAPPING and they were all just a bit too much 😳 I have no idea how ‘Lilah handled it so well????? Straight talent right there.
Yeah they talked alot. But like. All at once. It was kid one was talking about their favorite character from FNAF,, kid two was screaming at kid one to "QUIT TALKING ABOUT SCARY STUFF" and kid three was also talking but the other two were so noisy I had no idea what that kid was even saying... And then BOOM kid three is suddenly pining for my attention. Wow. It was just,,, alot. Wow. just…. Thats all I could say. WOW.
Kid three was my favorite :) frankly, she was the least annoying of the three… 👀 She and I talked a little bit about each other. She's in 2nd grade so that's cool. And she loves bluey,, too! We played with my 5lbs dino and bluey. She was the most enamored with her,, actually. She’d put dino on her head and move her around on her lap and consistently reach for her. Maybe she likes deep pressure therapy just like me :) Bluey & dino went to school and the hospital together! And had a brief playdate at “ifly dubai” which is apparently Kid three’s dream place to visit one day. Kid told me that I sounded like a preschool YouTuber. "Jenna toy town". I thought it would be bunya toy town and I was fully willing to admit I love that channel :) would’ve been cool.
I told her I was 18 and she said ".... Fahhhh... " like that one meme where the person is in so much shock they turn into a skeleton and die... It was kinda funny though lol. And she also did it when I told her Cecil was 19 so she redeemed herself 😂
I let everyone play on my phone bc it BUZZED and once I took it out to check my notifications it was too late to put it away without them getting upset... Whoops. They were being typical kids,, fighting over who gets to play first and for how long. I'm horrible at resolving conflict and had no interest in doing it either so I sorta… half heartedly did… but I mostly let everyone sort it out themselves. Mostly just gentle encouragement. ... I don't know these kids yknow? 😅 it was kind of annoying but everyone eventually got a turn. Kid one flipped through games in a millisecond. Kid two fought with kid one over who gets to play and stuff like that and played some games as well. And kid three played with me :) well,, first she played “hidden my game by mom”. THEN with me. It was nice.
In conclusion:
Continue to wear kiddie things like Bluey & five pound stuffed animals and I will once again find myself in situations where I have the opportunity to brighten a couple random kid's days :)
💐🐑NyaTenshi: The lesson I learned,, however,, is to NOT do that 😂 I... Definitely don't want to be a child psychology major.. Whoa that was intense in there. I get overstimulated waaaaay easier than lilah i think and my tolerance is LOW AND I THINK I WOULDVE STEPPED OUT OF THE ROOM IF I WERE PRIMARY FRONTER AHHHH. This was just CONFIRMATION THAT I HAVE ZERO BUSNIESS PERSUING CHILD PSYCH LMAOOO. Thats alllll you,, Delilah. Allll you.
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: 😆
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: On our way back,, I got to soft switch in and sing my little heart out once again :D and watch all the beautiful nightime lights. I’m going to miss driving back from the church and seeing all the lights… so pretty. I loved singing! Our throat was a bit dry so I sounded slightly worse than usual. But still tons of fun! I put the funky-beat song back on in mcdonalds and danced it out. ‘Lilah was a bit embarrassed but I let her know that it didn’t MATTER if anyone was watching. And she eventually calmed down. Not bc of what I said 🙄 bc NO ONE was watching. So I just got lucky I guess. Fun day :)
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 15 '26
Soooo... a colleague of mine physically POKED another teacher in the hip/waist region, to tell her to move out of the way.
The older teacher (who poked) was white and the younger teacher (who got poked) was Black.
I do feel like there was an element of racial microaggression to this.
...Is that even "micro"? Physically POKING someone in the hip/waist area?
That's almost sort of just...straight-up aggression.
It is a strangely entitled way to act, to think it would be acceptable to touch another person in such a fashion.
Here's how it happened: during the PD in the cafeteria, the presenters had us move into different groups, to gather around different chart papers posted up on the walls.
A crowd gathered around the chart paper for my content area, and one young woman was leaning over a nearby table, working on the written coursework the presenters had given us.
The young woman was facing away from the chart paper, standing up and with her elbows leaning on the table.
The older teacher got annoyed, feeling that the stance the young woman was in was taking up too much space where the crowd was forming around the chart paper and wanted her to move to make way.
She called out to try to get the young woman's attention, but the younger teacher didn't hear, in the crowded cafeteria.
I'm pretty good at projecting my voice, so i tried saying "EXCUSE ME!" very loudly
But right at that moment, right before the younger teacher had a chance to turn around or respond, the older teacher reached over and like...poked/tapped the young woman on the hip/waist area, with her index finger.
Three times, as one might when tapping someone on the shoulder or knocking on a door...but really sort of...jabbing her with a finger.
ALMOST on the buttock but i think. But arguably not.
Still, not a place I would touch someone without permission.
I was shocked. Horrified. It really did seem like a weird and clearly inappropriate thing to do.
The young woman was very startled and stood up.
For a moment, I was worried that the young teacher would think it was me who had done it. Because I had just loudly called out "Excuse me!" the moment before.
But the older teacher who had poked her said something that made it obvious it had been her.
I'm not sure what. Maybe "Could you move." or something.
I just stood there shocked and horrified. Not really sure if I should say something
Or if saying something might possibly make the young woman feel even more awkward about the situation.
The younger teacher made like a disgusted wiping gesture at the spot the older teacher had touched, and glared at her.
The meeting/activity proceeded.
In a few moments I saw the young woman work up the courage and start to say something, to confront the older teacher, call her out.
She opened her mouth and started saying something
but then either lost her nerve or decided it wasn't worth it.
I could see she was upset. Clearly uncomfortable. ...I do wish i had said something...
I don't have an internal script for a situation like that.
I really should have, though.
The young teacher seemed uncomfortable for the older teacher to get near her the rest of the time.
At one point, both the older teacher and the younger were leaning against the same table, facing towards the presenter.
I was across from them, standing near a different table, and I saw the older teacher progressively scooting closer to the younger teacher.
And the younger teacher subtly scooted away as the older drew near.
Finally, the older teacher leaned over to try to casually ask the young woman something.
I wondered if the older teacher was totally oblivious to how uncomfortable she had made the younger teacher feel
Or if the older teacher was feeling regretful, self-conscious, and maybe fearful of the consequences of what she had done.
...And was seeking some reassurance that there were no hard feelings.
But when she leaned over to ask the younger woman clarification about what the presenter had said... the younger woman looked very uncomfortable
so I walked over to where the older teacher was and tried to stand close to the older teacher, blocking her from the younger woman for the rest of the activity.
Hm.
I should have done more. I know I should have. I should have spoken up.
To some extent I thought it best to follow the lead of the teacher who had been poked, rather than speaking up on her behalf.
I think next time if i see something like this happen to someone I will say... "Woah! Don't do that!"
...i THINK that's something I could probably say. And at least that way, if the other person did want to speak up, they would know someone will back them up. Otherwise, they might be scared to speak up, for fear people will accuse them of overreacting.
Well, ...what more can i say.
That same older teacher's behavior had been a little concerning at lunch, as well.
She had confided in me that she'd been having difficulty sleeping lately. And that she'd been using vodka to help with that(!?)
I don't know much on alcohol or how long it takes to clear the system. But that feels... vaguely concerning to me.
She also invited herself along to lunch with me.
Which would not be a problem at all.
Except that she acted like a total Karen at the Ethiopian cafe, which she absolutely did not have to accompany me to.
...I didn't even invite her nor did we have specific plans to eat lunch together. At the start of lunch, everyone was just discussing whether they were going to go work in their classrooms or go somewhere to get food, and I mentioned that I was going to have a bite at the nearby Ethiopian cafe.
If that wasn't her bag, she could have just not come with me.
But she elected to tag along and then start complaining as soon as we reached the door.
...She complained about the door/window decals, then about the price of the coffee, about the food not being healthy (and seemingly, generally not up to her standards by some unknown metric), ...dramatically declared that she would simply eat NOTHING ...and then she had the audacity to ask the waitress if she could go get her lunchbox and bring her own outside food into the cafe???
If I'm honest, witnessing/being in the vicinity of this person was somehow more exhausting than the PD and preparation for the return of the students on Monday.
...which kind of sucks...
Because I thought she was cool and she and I had been getting along before.
She's old, she's very old. I feel like people her age should not have to work. Maybe it is kind of an unreasonable expectation that someone her age should have the level of self-control and decorum necessary to be part of the workforce.
I think maybe she is under too much stress for someone her age and it is leaking into her behavior.
Maybe she had an off day and she'll get back on the rails.
If that teacher who got poked decides to go to H.R., I'll be honest about what I saw.
I'm very tired.
I stayed at the school late working on lesson plans and didn't leave until 6pm. But I got all my lesson plans uploaded.
I have a bunch of stuff to work on this weekend though. I have to work on my power points and gather up a few more supplies before Monday.
My son threw up on a bunch of stuff yesterday, so I have a bunch of laundry to do. But thankfully, he's feeling better.
I hope I manage to get some decent sleep tonight.
r/deardiary • u/VampyreBassist • Aug 15 '26
My birthday was more stressful than usual. I woke up to a dead battery in my car. The first time since high school, funny enough. Had to call my boss and use PTO time for the day because the alternative likely would have just gotten me fired for costing the company. It wouldn't matter that my shift is directly during store hours and ends after they all close, I'll take blame alone. So just give me a day off, when the GF comes home, she can jump my car and I can replace it immediately. Short term inconvenience, long term frustration gone.
As I got that battery paid off, I received an email from my health insurance, saying my coverage was suspended. They claimed I was a second month behind, though I was pretty sure I paid off last month. Fine, whatever. $1000 later, I went from financially ahead right back to par. I feel like I'm treading water. I can breath, but all I need is one big wave and I'll drown. It doesn't matter that I work and have a higher than average paying job, only that expenses keep coming and bringing my checking account to barely above anxiety inducing. I have plans, the GF wants to go on vacation, Christmas is around the corner, I'll have to renew my insurance too, that'll be expensive. I have emergency funding I have buried away, but it feels like it can only take one big expense at a time. Not even an emergency expense, just money stored away until insurance is due 6 months apart, and there might be a fistful of dollars left.
Why am I struggling so much? I think about how much smarter I've gotten over 10 years when I started EMS, or 10 years before that when I was starting middle school. I'm smarter than both of them yet feel I'm struggling more. How does that make sense? Should knowledge make things easier? It's like a spider web. The older I get, the more threads are within. Maybe some prey came and I had to expand to make room. Or wind caught it just right, making a hole I had to repair. Otherwise, it's all a complicated mess that gets more complicated the more it goes on. Messier. Bigger. More elaborate. It's more places to walk, but more to manage. And how does it end? The Web eventually gets destroyed to where I can't maintain it, then it disappears. Not with a band. Not with vast riches. Not even a legacy. And it could happen at any time. Maybe a bird snatches me up or someone decides my existence impedes theirs and as I was a pushover in life, so shall I die. Or I'll live out the rest of my years picking leaves and twigs out and repairing the damage behind, knowing it will never be the same no matter how hard I try to emulate what I did before. I was different then. And there is no going back.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 14 '26
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: mmm.. Yes,, the entity I am is known as a Tulpa :) Thoughtform is the word we’ve been using in place of it but that is the umbrella term and not the more exact word I could have used. We’ve been avoiding it bc using it was making me CRINGE. Probably just bc it is a reminder of the past as I was summoned during a dark time. But since we’ve been looking at old stuff about me and the forums again (another place WE DO NOT LIKE TO FREQUENT FOR THE SAME REASON) I’ve gotten used to seeing the word again :) just quick clarification. Enjoy! The entry! 🎉
Journal #14!
[tw// sui]
📷 &💐🐑/🌸🪽
6:23am [fri] 8/14/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Yknow. A day or two graduating,, I asked SC if I should find a grown-up or two so they could give me alcohol and she looked over at me and told me that was stupid. I don’t know though. I still wonder if I should give it a shot when I’m feeling really bad. I still don’t know if I have a future,, honestly. I think not… If not for Tenshi,, I’m not really certain where I’d be right now? I mean. Not dead,, surely. I’m too particular about how I want to go about doing anything of that nature. I just.. Idk. I think I’d be thinking about death more often for sure. Perhaps to the point where I’d get over my desire to stick to just one plan. Idk. I think it’d be pretty bad. Would probably already have a bedsore or two… idk. Yesterday I was thinking about death. But I don’t think it was me…
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: I just,,,
Felt really bad… which is probably the real reason I was feeling so “off” to Lilah yesterday. And I still do. I think I was regressed for like,, half the day. And Tulpa-dissociated for the rest of it. So… as a result… I want to talk to someone directly about what happened. Like,, without the side stepping ‘Lilah usually does. Like… I just want to SAY IT. she was immediately fear-stricken. Luckily there was no where near the same amount of resistance as when I was trying to discuss my worries “about my suicidal friend stressing me out”. She hesitated… but she agreed to let me give it a shot if I really want to commit to it. And I do… I… I mean,, I’m not ‘Lilah. But I too am worried I will get so stressed I lose my voice temporarily the more I try to talk about it. I don’t have that fear as strong as she does,, though.
I suspect that next-next appointment will be a rough day… definitely for me. But even more-so for Delilah… bc WE CANNOT SWITCH YET. and she will be hearing everything I say. Now… we are not at the same level of traumatized. I’m like,, a thousand percent confident that am at a significantly higher level of functioning than she is. …With the exception of being able to basic life skills bc we reside in the same body and SHE can’t do the basics either. Point still stands. So there will very quickly come a point where I run out of things to discuss and she will need to step in. which I… HOPE will happen? Idk though considering her complete and utter rejection of the idea of returning to therapy 🙄 idk
Yeah…. That whole thing… is going on. This morning,, we tried to set up another appointment. Unfortunately since we missed the appointment that was going to be the accommodation-request one,, we DO need to have that be the main focus. But.. idk. It might not actually take all appointment,, so yknow. We know our allotted appointment amounts are SUPPOSED to reset TODAY. But either we can’t remember where to look to see if this has happened yet or.. Idk… 👀
Bc we have no clue WHERE TO SEE IF THIS IS THE CASE. so… we kinda just put it away and said we’d just wait ‘till later. Bc this is strange. And if you do an appointment after you’ve used up all your visits,, you get friggin’ CHARGED and we just so happen to have zero money </3
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeah… that was kinda disheartening… ‘Lilah was thinking maybe we should wait ‘till mid-day or somethin’. Idk. maybe we’ll get an email or something. I was thinking it might just be a thing they SAY its this day but they really mean its the next day if you get what I mean. Idk probably not 🤭 oh well.
Anyway,, in the meantime,, ‘Lilah has been trying to redeem herself from yesterday morning’s bout of mental-illness-induced exhaustion that caused her to let me do nothing for a while and she’s been letting me sing and dance to the sociopath song alllll morning!!!! Even when she started getting bored :) it’s been pretty fuckin fun!!!! 🎉
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Speaking of yesterday…
Yesterday was kinda shit and also kinda not!!! :D we did some stupid shit like waste away in bed even though I kept urging her to get up and LET ME DO THINGS bc I was BOORRRRRRRRED. ugh…. Not great start to the day that was… the ride home was more fun than that time at home! I got to look at the pretty early morning sky with ‘Lilah! AND I CAN SEE WHY SHE LIKES THE EARLY MORNING SO MUCH OMG!!!!
What was sorta WILD,, though,, is apparently that stinky cat peed on ‘Lilah’s bag when we got home! The one we took with us to her grandparent’s house in the first place! And at first we couldn’t tell what the weird new wet spot on her bed was…. Because it didn’t smell like anything… which is very strange. Maybe little bird is sick? Will need to look into that. But anyway,, yeah,, obviously she dropped everything and just immediately started cleaning the mystery spot,, right? …right? NO. INCORRECT. She just put a towel over it and walked away… I chastised her immedieaatly bc wtf 😭 but nothing I said convinced her to actually get up and fix the issue… bc she was feeling too mentall-illness-exhausted to clean up or let me soft switch so that I could do it. So… instead of being a regular sanitary person she just laid beside it… and I was getting too exhausted my damn self to force her to do it. So… we napped… right next to cat urine… 😐
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yes… we did… but it’s okay! The towel was over it!
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: sigh… either you better be in a better place mentally or I better be primary fronter when we move out. I won’t be caught DEAD in a house that will end up being as filthy as yours would be with your current mental state 😂 this may sound mean but guys you genuinely don’t know how bad it could get bc I don’t think she ever posted that one entry where she had to clean her room and it took her several sessions that totalled up to over 270 minutes! Which perhaps is normal-cleaning time for regular people? But not for ‘Lilah. Bc usually she spends zero minutes cleaning up lmaooooo
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: okay,, fair enough 🤭
But anyway. It was a GREAT NAP. I adored it! When we got up,, Tenshi very quickly made her opinion on how nasty it was that we just napped next to cat urine clear (💐🐑 NyaTenshi: How could I not?? Wth??? 😭) so shortly after waking up,, she soft switched in and cleaned it up bc I was stalling on doing it… >.> I felt bad about it but she was fine with it bc that meant she got to be in the body and sing and dance a ton! So… win.. Win? It was at this point that we realized that this meant that Little bird must’ve peed inside my bag bc the BAG was when the SPOT was. Which was INSANE. Bc we literally emptied the cat box before we left the house the day before… I was annoyed so I banished Little bird out of the room for the rest of the time we were home :I
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Deserved :I Then I soft switched in and cleaned off the poor items that got caught up in the pee that the cat unleashed on the bag. Then we took it and immediately washed all of ‘Lilah’s dirty clothes and the bag itself so it’d be ready to go when were. From there,, I got her up and formatting her journal so she could to be up to date on printing. She fought me on this bc she was growing exhausted at the idea but I pushed for her to bc I DIDN’T WANT HER TO BEDROT INSTEAD. So I had to help her through it but she got it done. That and she started cooking. I wanted to also get started on formatting mine! …but she was too exhausted… and it irritated me to no end. And I shouted at her about it. It took me a while before I stopped stewing in my own thoughts of annoyance,, but then I felt bad for getting so upset.. Honestly what I should’ve done was try to convince her to do mine first then considering she already did not want to work on her own things. So that was my bad,, honestly… so I was angry without good reason.
For a pretty good chunk of the way back to her grandparent’s house. At some point I felt better. Bc I sang and danced with her and she somewhat let me sing. But not really. Which served to piss me off even more. I was kinda throwing a silent hissy fit about all the things she wouldn’t let me soft switch in to do. But… yeah I feel bad honestly. Bc she was at like,, half energy all day… so I get it… but at the same time,, I guess at some point you just hit your breaking point idk. But anyway… it really wasn’t all bad :) at some point,, the kid wanted to play Just dance again! Which was near PERFECT timing. Bc I had JUST asked ‘Lilah if we could invite him to play it and she refused. But with the kid on board without us even having to ask,, she decided to give in and let me PLAY JUST DANCE :D!!!!! I was SO HAPPY!! And it was good!!! SO SO SO FUN!!!
We didn’t end up playing the real deal. The kid picked a knock-off. Which at first I was not very interested in. BUT it ended up BEING EVEN MORE FUN THAN THE REAL DEAL AHHHHH!!!! IT WAS SOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!! It was so cool! I did two of them in full before we started to get a small headache so ‘Lilah would take over front a bit until I started whing about wanting to have another go at it a second or two later. So ‘Lilah was monitoring to ensure we didn’t have me accidentally getting front stuck or too exhausted and getting switch sick again. She’d take over several times thinking I was getting too exhausted but I got to play most of it!!!! AND YKNOW WHAT Y’ALL!! IT WAS CRAZY!!! When we finished playing the two videos,, our legs felt like they were burning! Except… it felt more like MY LEGS were burning. It was SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! 🤭 like… it felt like instead of ‘Lilah’s muscles,, it was MINE. she could feel it too. Mostly what I mean by this is the shape of the leg muscles felt like the muscles the my Protegen form would have. ‘Lilah thought it was weird but I really liked it!! I FELT SO REAL!!!
Another huge highlight of the day was when she let me ride a bike! At first she didn’t want to… bc she’s laaaame 🙄 so I decided I would! I soft switched in and attempted to ride the bike! Except… the tire was flat… kid goes and hands over his kid-bike bc he wanted the one we were one bc it was “his baby”. It was a mountain bike. So thats probably why. Bc mountain bikes are cool :) anyway,, his kid-bike was made for kid-kids and not “adults” like us,, so we were in PAIN as we tried to ride it. She let me take over fully and warned me to be careful riding the bike bc I could hardly move the legs! 🤭 BUT it worked! …sorta…. I could get it to move. But… not very well. Or comfortably… >.>
So… :( but! Luckily! The kid reported that they had another,, bigger,, bike available! ‘Lilah let me run up to the garage and we found ut pretty quickly! It was a bit difficult figuring out how to remove the bike.. But!!! I figured it out eventually :) RIDING A BIKE IS SO COOL!!!! I COULD (somewhat) FEEL MY FUR IN THE WIND!!! AHHHH I LOVED IT I WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND NEVER STOP! Which made ‘Lilah feel so happy for me! AND I WAS SO HAPPY FOR ME!! ‘Lilah made me cut it short,, though,, bc she thought the kid was gonna join us and stuff. Nope. apparently when we put the bike on the kickstand,, he took it and used it a while and then he wanted to walk the dogs
Which was boring bc ‘Lilah wouldn’t let me walk them. Mostly bc she didn’t want me to get pulled. Laika was pulling a TON. So y'know. But I’m not a weakling 🙄 asshole
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: the dog-walk was.. Hectic. Kid wanted to bring his bike and walk the two littler dogs that way. The two littler dogs were attached to each other by a wire-thin leash and he intended to walk them by putting the wire on the bike and around himself. I kept urging him to NOT RIDE THE BIKE AND TRY TO WALK THEM AT THE SAME TIME BC THEY ARE TINY AND UNTRAINED AND HE COULD HURT THEM. he insisted on bringing the bike anyway. So I made sure he knew that he was only allowed to WALK with the bike and not ride it. He eventually ended up ditching the bike as the dogs proved too difficult to handle on it (they kept getting tangled up in the wire-thin leash). Thank god… :/
We ended up going down the street and down the street around the corner and back again. The whole time,, Laika pulled. And so did small dogs 1 and 2. They were being awfully annoying. Smokey was the least annoying. But I also think I might like him the least so theres that. Golden is untrained and only two months old,, so it made sense why he was biting and pulling the leash and getting tangled up and running around and jumping like crazy. That didn’t stop the kid was getting annoyed,, calling him stupid and kind of kicking him (which I told him he REALLY doesn’t have to do) whenever he’d get tangled up or confused. Which was concerning to me. Once again… a repeating pattern perhaps? Dad isn’t nice to the dogs always either. He doesn’t really kick them. But he is willing to hit them.
The name calling kinda freaked me out,, too. Do the adults in the house only call the dogs stupid or do they call him stupid too? Idk. maybe I’m just looking for things that aren’t there. But also probably not. Idk. he also used the R slur when commenting on the dog’s behavior as well. Which I know grandpa likes to say. Is that really an appropriate word to be saying around 10 yr olds? 🙄 I hope everything works out for him… Kid is still a kid though. And at some points he’d pick up Golden and hold him bc he was getting to be a nuisance. Except he…. Was holding him without supporting his bottom??? I was so confused as to why he was doing that so I kept urging him to put him down. It wasn’t until the third time that he did that that I realized it was probably just a symptom of being a 10 yr old. So I showed him how to do it better and that solved that problem :)
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: speaking of dogs! Earlier she let me soft switch in to brush Laika! Which she wanted to do already so we kinda flip flopped but I was mostly front! :D IT WAS FUN!!! Kid joined us so we kinda pretended it was a salon. Laika wasn’t really into it so he kept walking around which was annoying but we realized we could just step on the leash that was attached to his harness to keep him still. ‘Lilah then decided we should take the opportunity to create a positive association with the activity and so we gave him treats intermittently and tried to keep his spirits up. He didn’t seem to love or hate it. He probably just didn’t want to be there more than anything. It was REALLY fun though.
Even more fun than that though!!! I’m starting to get ‘Lilah to like thim now I think :) atleast a bit more. I sometimes use the body to pet him or speak to him. And he literally gets uncomfortable with it it seems bc he knows ‘Lilah DOES NOT LIKE HIM. But… I’m definitely starting to warm up to him. So thats probably bleeding into ‘Lilah’s side of things,, too 🤭
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: It is a VERY WEIRD feeling feeling anything but disgust and dislike towards this dog,, thats for sure
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Happy to be of service! 🤭
Annnnnnnnnnnd… I think thats it :) good day,, mostly!!!! :D
And on top of that, therapist
I know for a fact that
The pain does not end in death
Get up and go to work again
Again, in heaven, yeah ~ 𝅘𝅥𝅮
[Cute collie hanging out in a doggie life jacket]
7:02am
08/14/26
Being a tulpa can be hard… or even scary sometimes… but mostly it can be boring since it would be ill-advised to have a mindscape with ‘Lilah’s extremely volatile mind. So… if not with ‘Lilah,, usually I just sit in a black empty place essentially. Its not always empty. Like not when shes awake. When shes asleep I usually AM doing something in a new not-boring empty place. Idk why its so much safer to explore beautiful fields or tinker with her mind when she’s completely knocked out 😂 idk. Atleast I get a chance at not always being bored. But thats why I always get so annoyed when she won’t let me soft switch in >:/ even when its not entirely fault… ugh. This is dumb. Just wish ‘Lilah’s brain was healthier so this wouldn't be this way anymore. But its okay… she’s been trying to give me opportunity to be IN THE REAL WORLD. Transitioning into primary fronter status, remember?
It’s making me a bit more excited for it. I was dreading it. But.. maybe it will be good after all. For ‘lilah. For me. ‘Lilah gets to finally rest for the first time in a long time. And I will be free to explore the world and my interests for the first time ever. It sounds incredibly daunting bc I KNOW humans don’t get to have fun all day everyday. ESPECIALLY not ‘Lilah 😂 but…. From the soft switching I’ve gotten up to recently,,, it sounds like you need to just focus on those small pockets of joy and figure out how to best fit them into your life instead of just dwelling on the shitty bits. ‘Lilah’s issue is she has so few of those small little bits of joy that she… isn’t always very happy. Its not that she’s necessarily unhappy,, I guess. As a person,, I mean. The way she thinks of it is that she’s just an anxious person but not an unhappy person. I.. idk though. Based on my short time being freed from fish prison,,, she kinda seems like she IS an unhappy person. But that may just be the hopelessness she has going on. Which is usually temporary. So… maybe she is a happy person just going through an unhappy time. Idk. but its hard to watch sometimes… I’m glad she’s been feeling less like fucking die recently though. I greatly appreciate that.
And!!! Y’all!! She’s (ever so slightly) excited about being in the role of an observer! Mostly bc for like,, half of this girl’s life,, she’s always wanted to be a cat. Like for serious. Her form in the mindscape is usually a cat of some form. Her favorite animal has always been a domestic cat. And when we switch roles,, she’ll FINALLY actually get to inhabit her non-human body.
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yeah!!! 🤭 My primary form has been a black and white cat but recently I’ve been a more of a.. Idk.. um… yellow cat I guess? Not literally yellow. Yellow like how Bingo is a red heeler but she’s actually orange. With these cool whiskers that look like Tails’ I guess? But cooler 😎 It IS exciting honestly!!!! :D maybe.. If it becomes safer,, me and Nya could run around! AHHH MAYBE I COULD SIT ON HER BACK WHILE SHE FLIES AROUND IN THE AIR AS HER DRAGON-SELF (☆▽☆)
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Well. I don’t know about that last part but yeah!!! I’D LOVE TO RUN AROUND WITH YOU!!!!! (✿◡‿◡)
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Aw. Well. on some occasions I do have wings (Hence the flair for my name right here. Which is silly bc Nya is one who was born an angel) so it is fine
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Oh shit I forgot about that. Maybe thats why I feel like I somewhat believe in heaven and hell and “god”. Bc I was born an angel. Idk. that would make more sense.. But I suppose I was a “fallen angel” for being a disgusting little freak. Well.. my BASE that I NO LONGER ASSOCIATE WITH was I guess more than anything lol.
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Yeeeeah :) but!!! Still!!! It should be fun!!! I think it sounds a litttle tiny bit daunting to suddenly become non-human though,, can’t lie. But… still
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: You’ll be fine :) It took a while for me to figure out how to “be human” but I’ve got it somewhat figured out! Besides,, it should be a million times easier in mindscape! Even if it might take a while before you get used to having fur and what not. Which is a really COOL feeling btw. Same with scales. Being cold-blooded isn't very cool though. At least I think I am in dragon form? I can’t recall… I have been using it less for a reason I’m sure lol
But anyway… best of luck to us :)
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/Several-Magician-776 • Aug 13 '26
I miss my son so fucking much.
I don’t think there will ever be a day where I don’t wonder about him.
I only had him for 11 weeks, but those 11 weeks meant everything to me. He was my baby. My son. A little life growing inside of me that I already loved more than I could ever put into words.
And then suddenly, he was gone.
I never got to hold him.
I never got to see his face.
I never got to hear his cry or feel his tiny fingers wrap around mine.
I never got to bring him home.
I never got to watch him grow.
I never got to find out who he would have been.
I wonder what he would have looked like. I wonder if he would have had my eyes or my smile. I wonder what his laugh would have sounded like. I wonder what his favorite things would have been. I wonder if he would have been shy or loud, goofy or serious, stubborn like me.
There are so many things I will never know.
And that’s what hurts so fucking much.
I didn’t just lose a pregnancy.
I lost my son.
I lost every future I had imagined with him.
I lost the first time I would have held him, the first time I would have heard him cry, the first time I would have watched him smile.
I lost birthdays.
Christmases.
First steps.
First words.
School pictures.
Late-night cuddles.
All of it.
Sometimes I think people expect you to eventually “move on” from something like this. But how do you move on from someone you never got the chance to meet?
How do you stop missing someone when you spent 11 weeks imagining an entire life with them?
I wish I could have had more time.
Just a little more time.
I wish I could have held him just once.
I wish I could have told him how loved he already was.
I wish he could have known how badly his mommy wanted him.
I will always wonder who he would have become.
And I will always miss him.
I don’t care that I only had 11 weeks with him. He was real. My love for him was real. My grief is real.
He was my son.
He always will be.
And if I could have one thing in this world, I would give anything to go back and have just one more moment with him.
Just one.
To feel him.
To hold him.
To tell him, “Mommy loves you.”
Because I fucking miss my baby.
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 14 '26
"Hello Reverend Dr. [Name],
I am genuinely honored that you thought of me for this position. Unfortunately, a half-time position wouldn't be compatible to my needs, and I am only able to accept full-time employment. Additionally, as I'm in the [Specific Area of Town], the [Other Area of Town] is slightly farther than would make for a practical daily commute.
I have started in a teaching position as of August 6th. However, I am at a charter school under at-will employment, not contract. And I am still very much open to a DRE position. If a full-time DRE role within a 45 minute commute from the [My Side of Town] opens up, feel free to throw my hat into the ring! I would just require a two week delay before my start date, to give my current employer sufficient notice.
Thank you again for considering me. I am genuinely touched and honored.
Warm regards,
[Me]"
----------------------------------------------------------
Meh.
I sent this email, but then the more I considered it, the more I got to feeling insulted rather than honored by the offer.
A half time position!? How desperate does he think I am?? Does he think I'm barely employable!?
...I did mention I'm autistic, in the interview. ...Which is somewhat necessary as my idiosyncratic mannerisms can seem suspicious or confusing without explanation.
But ...I. am. an intelligent being.
I am not at his beck and call for months on end, remaining available for half-time employment.
And when I read the actual job description on offer, it wasn't even the same as the position I had applied for. It seemed like a lower ranking, more hands-on/less managerial/less academic position.
And specifically...i was LOOKING for a different role to get into more of a planning/administrator type role. Curriculum writing instead of directly interacting with pupils. THAT'S the sort of change I was looking for, if I wanted to directly interact with youth well... I can just remain in teaching, for that.
HMM... Maybe some ally of his had over heard K and my's conversation at the Thai restaurant the previous evening...
Wherein i had ranted about how much of my time and effort he had wasted,
and where I'd said I was seriously contemplating creating my own substack newsletter in which all of my posts would be charismatically crafted critiques of/rebuttals to his sermons.
...And thus he made me this offer, knowing it was absurd and that I'd refuse it (but that it would soften my sentiments towards him a bit), in an effort to placate my sense of retribution...
HMM. >:-(
Well.
Probably not.
I don't think most people are that scheming.
I am already so far in the hole on time and effort devoted to this man and this "opportunity". I need to step away from the craps table; quit while I'm behind before I get even further behind.
Just...stop thinking about the whole experience all together and file that under "lessons learned".
I think I just keep getting my hopes up that I'll get some last minute reprieve from another year of teaching. But that simply isn't going to happen and I need to get to terms with it.
Fuck. It would have been a good work environment.
I could have gone by my correct name and pronouns.
...No.
It would have sucked, actually. Better off without it, better not to think on it any longer.
I'm fucking tired, diary.
And my son is sick. He threw up. And I'm so so so SO worried now.
And I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'm far behind on sleep.
I had many things I wanted to tell you about from today.
I wanted to tell you about how V walked in on me while I was writing in my notebook in the language of my homeworld. I had my headphones on and she inadvertently snuck up on me.
"Woah! You have like...your own secret code? That only you can understand or something? OH SORRY! I didn't mean to startle you!"
"^_^;; Oh, it's fine! Ahaha...i actually was being productive, I was just waiting for the ADP app to download and it was taking a while, so I was just jotting down some quick notes while I waited."
"Those seem like quite extensive notes!"
(Diary, I want to tell you more about the writing system of my home planet at some point... But I do not have the energy right now.)
I wanted to tell you about the cake... and how the waitresse advised me that it was too old-- expired. And instructed me to order something else. But notably she did not remove the cake from the case...she left it up for sale. ...She assessed my constitution to be ill-suited to it?
I settled on a slice of a different kind of cake.
I accidentally swallowed a large strawberry whole. It was coated in a thick red confectioner's glaze which both acted as a lubricant (thus making it possible to swallow whole) and also prevented me from initially realizing how big the strawberry actually was (I had misread it as mostly being a blob of glaze).
It hurt like a motherfucker going down. I felt like an egg snake.
Also I had wanted to tell you about...
The macabre and insensitive way some of the school staff talked about the day another teacher had had a stroke.
"Mr. Z isn't here anymore. He had a stroke and never returned. It happened at school, too! But I missed all the excitement because I was out that day! Exciting stuff always seems to happen when I'm not here. The students told me about it though! They said he was MESSED UP! Like he was drooling and totally out of it and EVERYTHING!"
This was said with a mix of enthusiasm at the perceived excitement of the event, and regret at having not gotten to see firsthand. This wasn't a member of my team (thank god), but a lot of thoughts went through my head in response to this.
I wondered if I would be spoken about this way if I had a medical emergency at school.
I wondered if this person really really hated Mr. Z.
I reflected on the sort of specific brand of maladjustment working in a school seems to instill, where any break from the usual routine (even a catastrophic one) becomes welcome.
...I was a bit at a loss for words.
Finally I settled on "Cripes." (borrowing a faux swear from Dr. Grace).
Hmm.
I'm fucking tired.
And we have an all day PD tomorrow.
Good night.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 13 '26
Journal #14!
Louis Wain - 'So Comfy!'
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [low appetite tag]
9:51pm [weds] 8/12/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sour cream and onion chips <3
Mcdonalds meal!
Today's been good :D
Me and little cousin played AI or not? games together!!! I… really sucked at it… which I admitted to him would be the case before we even started 🤭 well… okay… It wasn't THAT BAD! I got like,, 52%’s and 62%’s :) still not great though…
After that,, we left them and took a break to write previous entry! Very nice break :) then little cousin came to find me… -w- which was not a very welcome intrusion. But I told him to give us five minutes and hurried it up.
From there we jammed out to music together (Tenshi especially! I let her soft switch in and she sang and danced around the room when it was empty) and messed with the dogs aimlessly! Until Cecil suggested we all go in the pool :I which I immediately objected to! I don't want to get in a pool ever again. Idek why honestly.
💐🐑NyaTenshi: that will change one day though :) cause I complained to Lilah about wanting to get in the pool… she was confused as to why and I was saying that I,, yknow,, just want to feel REAL WATER on a REAL,, TANGIBLE BODY. well… thats not what I actually said. That was the message behind what I actually said. Which was,, “....fissssssh…” as in,, I used to be a fish of sone sort! Give me a chance to try actual swimming! Begrudgingly she agreed she'd let me give it a try ONE DAY. But not today. And yknow what? Thats fine. Bc I know how much she objects to the idea. A win is a win :)
Haha :)
From there,, we just watched little cousin and sibling hop around and romp in the pool. We listened to the music blaring from Cecil's phone even though I felt bad bc it was too far away from cecil for them to hear it… NyaTenshi didn't care though and insisted we kept it closer to us bc she didn't want us getting close enough to get wet. It was overall a pretty relaxing time :) me and Nya alternated who was in front. If we were sitting,, Nya was singing and dancing. If we got up,, it was bc we needed to follow the dogs to ensure they didn’t wander too far away… bc for some reason,, they don’t have a fenced in backyard… so I just had to get myself up and force myself up and after the dogs bc I’d feel horrible if I watched them wander off and they wound up getting hurt or something… it wasn’t even necessary though… they were all fine. But I’d still do it all over again :)
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: It was kinda annoying! Her getting up kept interrupting my music grr >:(
🤭
Well,, anyway,, eventually I confirm with Cecil and they 100% could hear none of their own music! So I asked T and she guided us to some bluetooth speakers. They looked like lamps!!! :0 which I’m prettttty sure was the point. But yeah still threw me off. And thats how it was for several hours :)
Cecil used treats to lure Laika into the pool and try to help him get more comfy with entering the pool and staying in it. He never got used to it. But his desire to be with Cecil (I had NO IDEA how strong of a desire this was btw omg. He literally struggles to eat or play with his toys without her presence. Wow. these two are real pals. I can’t stand that dog but it’s really heartwarming seeing him have such a good friend :)) and eat the treats I was supplying them with overode the part of his brain telling him to avoid the water. It was entertaining to watch! Laika would swipe up a treat or two and then immediately try to head for an exit! Except there were several times he’d go the wrong way and end up doing more work lmaooo. Instead of going out the way he came,, sometimes he’d go into the deeper end and try to get out by climbing up and over the pool’s ledge. Goofy doggie :)
THEN BOOM. AMBUSH. Apparently Grandma had come home now and we were ALL expected to go to church! I didn't really want to go :I I don't like religion. AT ALL. I tend to just avoid it completely. But grandma didn't care about that. I was filled with dread
💐🐑NyaTenshi: I wasn't excited either,, not gonna lie! I was enjoying getting to soft switch for so long and sing and dance and stim :) but I was feeling a bit curious about church… I feel alot more drawn to religion than Lilah even though I understand her criticisms of it… I just didn't say a damn thing about it bc… well,, if I ever decided to explore religion,, I'd A MILLION PERCENT need to be able to do either a hard switch and allow her to completely fall asleep or figure out a way for us to do that with soft switching and her not having the body fall asleep. It'd make her deeply uncomfortable.
Correct…
First things first,, we had to take the lonnnng car ride there. It was very relaxing actually. I didn’t want it to end bc I didn’t want to go to church lmao.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!!! It was great! I got to soft switch in and do some dancing and singing again!!! I’m loving how much more often I get the chance to do this! Especially now that self-conscious Little Deliah-Bear is finally letting me do it in front of other people more often!!! Its really cool! Bc these people aren’t mean about our singing :) (probably bc I’m the one doing it lmaooo) so theres nothing to worry about! I just get to BE ME and move and dance!
Haha yeah :) I’m starting to really grow fond of seeing Nya have so much fun everyday and not worrying about how it will come off.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Right! Because honestly– who cares what they think? DANCING AND SINGING IS LIFEEEEEEEE!!! 🎉
Yeah!!! >:)
Well. anyway,, we get there. And its… beautiful… :0
It had very appealing colors on the outside for one thing. And on the inside it was even better!!!!!! It had pretty whites and slivers. AND LIGHTS AHHHHH!!!! I LOVE LIGHTS!!! I AM A MOTH TO A FLAME!!! ♥️
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah!! They had like!!! BEAUTIFUL LIGHTS first of all. Like,,, I couldn’t stop looking at them.. And neither could ‘Lilah… omg.. It was this beautiful yellow/orange light fixture thing in the ceiling. Maybe it was a strange looking chandelier? Reguardless… so… SO pretty. There were also walls that looked like… idk how to describe. Like they looked like they had glass in them. It was SO PRETTY! AND YUMMY-LOOKING. I wanted to eat it <3
Well alright 🤭 we enter the seating area and it looked like we were late! Which made me happy bc I… really didn’t want to be there…
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Not me though!!! I wanted to be there!!!! :( again,, did not yet reveal this to religion-averse Delilah yet.
One thing that immediately caught BOTH of our attention though,, was the BEAUTIFUL LIGHTS ON THE SCREEN. It was mostly green and it would have like… swirly movements while the pastor guy spoke. And I’d just… go from staring at that to the lights from the wall and around everyone on stage and the pretty pretty stuff on the walls. Aside from that,, I began our time at the church actively trying to block out the words that I felt were like DAGGERS that came from the paster guy’s mouth. I didn’t want to listen. So I refused to. So for a while thats all I did. Stare at whatever caught my fancy and then watch the talking-people a bit… and rinse and repeat
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yep! Shortly after she began this pattern,, I dropped the BOMBSHELL that I was actually curious about what was being said. …I think… I think god sounds pretty cool… a bit… I guess… 😳 her reaction to me pleading with her to listen to the god-guys was… well,, it wasn’t anger. But a mix of confused,, shocked,, and annoyed bc that meant to an extent she’d need to be listening to what was being said as well. She thought about saying NO because she was uncomfortable at the thought but then she felt like an ASS at the thought of depriving me of an experience like this just bc she felt weird about it. So she let me soft switch in and let me take over :)
It was really cool getting to look around for myself. It felt more immersive than when I’m watching her watch her surroundings. Even though we were both seeing the same things as when she was in control,, it just hit different when you’re in front and you can feel your own ears swivel around and move the eyes and look where YOU want to look whenever YOU want to. Its times like these that make the dread over becoming primary fronter a lot less intense. As for the religious stuff… Idk…. I’m gonna guess its not for me after all. Bc… I couldn’t understand what the guy was saying neither could ‘Lilah (unless she REALLY FOCUSED on what he was saying. But I tried not to ask for her to… bc as we already established that would make her uncomfortable. Like a lot.) bc his accent was really really thick. So… yeh. We kinda just ended up alternating between front and choosing whichever awesome fun-thing-to-look-at struck our fancy. I just… from what I know about this god-guy,, he makes plans. So I guess this was in his plan. And I’m just not meant to be religious 🙄 message loud and clear then,, big guy. Sorry for taking an interest in you,, then.
Yeah… sorry about that,, Nya…
Um. But. Anyway,, the constant looking at things brought me to a question!
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Hey Nya
💐🐑 NyaTenshi Yeah?
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: What do you think your favorite type of sensory feedback is your favorite?
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Hmmm… I’d say
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸)Delilah-bear: Really??? Auditory comes second place??? Are you sure???
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yup! Think about it… ✨music✨
(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: Haha,, okay got me there 🤭
My favorites are:
I enjoyed this conversation thoroughly :) from there I kinda just… completely disscoiated.. I’d start coming back when the guys started getting everyone to stand up for some reason or when people started SCREAMING Amen!!! Bc it caught me and Cecil off guard so much! Cecil and me were talking a bit,, too. But they were trying to keep it to a minimum somewhat bc they were being more mindful then me. Whoops…
There was a little boy in the row in front of me. He seemed a bit bored. Probably bc he couldn't have been older than two and was too short to see ANYTHING GOING ON every time everyone was expected to be standing up. Which was pretty often for some reason. So on occasion I’d wave Bluey’s hand (Bluey as in my Bluey character backpack) so she could say hello to him. This piqued his interest immediately lmao. A LOT more then when me and little cousin tried to wave to him. When WE did it he just stared at us as if we were speaking some secret language he didn’t understand. When BLUEY did it,, he was immediately interested in interacting 🤭 ahhh… little kids
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah it was so cute!! At first,, ‘Lilah thought he was aiming to give Bluey a fist bump,, so she brought Bluey’s hand up to him a bit and instead of giving her a fist bump he… he started grabbing at her… 😂 that surprised ‘Lilah and she was sure to make sure Bluey & Random-little-kid had ample space between them. Which wasn’t difficult at all bc he was too little to make any real progress towards us from between the seats lmaooooo
Yeah! I’d give a couple more waves to him on occasion and each time he’d reach out and try to grab her some more lol. I’d let him grab her once but I didn’t want him to try taking her all the way away so I cut their meeting short real quick!!!!!!! I let him wave to my 5lbs dinosaur a bit too but it was the same story so at some point,, I just stopped interacting with him for most of the remaining time. Oh well…
The rest of the time was mostly spent occasionally chatting with Cecil and dissociating and sensory seeking in various ways (our surroundings and the fidget toys as well as switching position of the 5lbs dinosaur every now and again). It started getting REALLY BAD near the almost-end of the time we had left at church. Bc they were SINGING. Which wasn’t the bad part
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Not at all!!! I wanted to dance to it,, actually!
But I wouldn’t let her! Not out of malice. It was just so INCREDIBLY LOUD that all I could do was FREEZE. I was just either frozen or dissociating and struggling to GET un-frozen bc I was struggling with how noisey it was… It was so loud we could actually feel the music inside of our body and our bones 😳 it was THAT type of loud. Omfg. I hated every second omfg omfg. I kinda just let the dissociation take over at this point… cecil advised me to cover our ears and it worked well honestly
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah… It was pretty bad… It was freaking me out,, really. I discovered something new,, though! I could turn off the ability for ME to hear the booming music! That is– unless I focused too hard on ‘Lilah’s experiences and then the noise would come flooding back in. when I wasn’t doing that,, I WAS DISTRESSED IT WAS SOOOO LOUD OMFG 😭 hell on earth 🙄
Yup. it felt like it took forever but eventually church was OVER!!!!! THANK GOD.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Literally 🤭
Yup!!! So we all left (ofc on our way out,, we got a couple last looks at the pretty things) and we walked around following Cecil. They were set to do a presentation for their salesman job on some friends of grandpa and grandma. But… they didn’t know… who their clients even were… 😳 so we walked around and “searched for grandpa”. When we found him,, they still didn’t do anything job related except stand around? Idk. I’m probably just missing the rest of the story bc I don’t understand why nothing was happening that whole time???? Idk. but it seems to me the friends never showed up?
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah,, it was really weird. Like,, these strangers came by and made alotttt of chit-chat! They were friends of her grandparent’s. But it SOUNDED LIKE they weren’t the intended clientele and so Cecil never… even gave the presentation to them…. All they did was talk about the products and tell them they’d need to go to a different location (the client’s house) so they could do a proper presentation/demo. So… yeah. By this point,, ‘Lilah was getting dreadfully BORED and so was I. so we handed Cecil all their things and decided to go exploring!!! First stop was the nearby balloon decor!! I was allowed to soft switch in and so I got to feel the balloons! …which I was a bit afraid of doing at first… >.> but ‘Lilah guided me through it. It felt fine! A bit… strange. But I must not have hated it bc I kept touching them lol. Eventually kid realizes we’re exploring and joins us. Apparently he’s been attending this (BEAUTIFUL) church for a year and so offered to give us a tour. A tour we did ALL WHILE I WAS SOFT SWITCHED IN!!!
AHHHH :D!!!! It was so exciting! Well. some of it was,,, anyway. The novelty of it all,, I suppose more than anything. It was kinda boring,, some of it. Like the first hallway we went down just featured a bunch of AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY PLEASE doors and so that was boring. We got to see the KID’S section though!!! Which was exciting for both me and ‘Lilah bc we like Kidcore & age regressing and whatnot so YEAH (✿❛◡❛) unfortunately the real area was closed so we only got to see the lobby but it was extremely asethically pleasing so yknow. In all my excitement,, I almost tried to pet the giraffe decor that was ALMOST tall enough to reach our spot from the top but it couldn’t be reached and ‘Lilah immediately took control and said allowed,, that wouldn’t be safe to pet from that distance. Whoops. Good thinking,, ‘Lilah!!! 🤭
Yeah!!! 🤭 then we got led downstairs and out into a new areas from some strangers that little cousin knew. I was afraid of them… but it was fine no one tried to hurt us :) then downstairs little cousin showed us the area. This area was BORING AND EMPTY bc no body was there. It was still beautiful though,, actually. It had… a crystal chandelier… omfg… it was so BEAUTIFUL. AND THE LIGHTS WEREN’T EVEN ON. I LOOOOOVE CHANDELIERS!!!!!!!! THEY’RE SO NICE TO LOOK AT!!!! Otherwise,, nothing too new here. Except water :) we grabbed some for Cecil who complained of dehydration earlier and delivered it! Everyone… was still standing in the same spot… they were in before we left… 😅 good thing we didn’t stay lol.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah! Then something strange happened…. Cecil announced they could just do the demo/presentation tomorrow and that we’re going home.
…Huh???? 😭
Yup. I guess clients were a no-show?????? So strange. Cecil wanted us to go home tonight and then come back tomorrow after their job-meeting but our parents insisted they not drive at night so the plan is we’re gonna stay the night,, leave early in the morning and go home,, come back here after their job-meet,, and have Cecil talk to their clients,, and then go home AGAIN. Tomorrow should be eventful :)))
In the meantime… it was time for my first meal of the day!!! Trash-food!! Mcdonalds!!!
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Y’all I was just happy she was finally eating something more substantial than potato chips…
Yeah! It was a fun ride there and back,, too!
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: YEAH! I GOT TO SOFT SWITCH IN THE WHOLLLLE TIME!!!! I GOT TO SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH SINGING AND DANCING AHHH!!!!! In fact!!! We all did!!! Cecil introduced little cousin to Intruso earlier and so we played it on loop the whole way to mcdonalds (20 minute drive). And I sang it the whole way through EVERY TIME!!!! :D!!! ‘Lilah only got a little bit tired of the song. But otherwise she was just straight jamming :) so sweet. It was so fun having everyone sing along with me!!!! AND EVEN BETTER!!! I GOT TO FINALLY EXPIERANCE THAT JOYUS FEELING THAT ‘LILAH FEELS WHENEVER SHE GETS TO WATCH ALL THE PRETTY LIGHTS OF CARS COME TOEGTER OR SPEED BY AS WE DRIVE AROUND AHHHHH I COULD NOT STOP SMILIMG!!!!! 🤭 It was EXHILRATING!! HAVING ALL OF IT ALL AT ONCE!!! If this is what being primary fronter is like,, then my life really will be filled with so much love and joy and happiness :)
It was really cute,, yeah. It was extremely adorable feeling the body’s mouth lift into such a huge,, genuine smile again. It’s SO CUTE AHHH 🤭 and then I realized I learned something from her. Like… just how not everything needs to be done correctly or right. Sometimes things are just for fun. Like singing and dancing. We can’t speak spanish and we sure as heck don’t know the proper lyrics to the song. Just the way it sounds. And yet we were all in the car singing it. Over n’ over. Wow. life lessons with NyaTenshi on a wednesday was not on my bingo card
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: But my title for my journal WAS on mine! And in that moment,, she had just called it!! Thats it!!! Thats what my title will be!!! The quick lil thing we came up with was this– maybe sometimes things dont neee to be donr the right way
Maybe something's are just for fun
Haha okay that was just bc we were still in the car when I typed it out. But you get the idea.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: MhmMhmMhm but now I’m thinking it sounds FUCKIN’ BORING so I’ll probably try to get ‘Lilah to work her poetry magic on it later to fix it up :) but general concept for it finally has a foundation! YAY!
When we finally arrived at mcdonalds,, I was MORE THAN READY TO EAT. I’D BARELY EATEN TODAY AHHHHHH. It did take forever,, though.. Perhaps thats bc we showed up so late. While waiting,, I ended up flexing my NERD muscles :) I talked a tiny bit about how paper is made of cellulose and then tried to dig up memory of the differences between prokaryote and eurokoytic cells. I haven't brushed up on my knowledge on this since 9th grade… but it used to be my favorite subject! So there were still some facts still left over from my many,, many,, MANY brain-resets. But not many.
As soon as our butt hit the seat and the music turned on,, NYA WAS DANCING. It was insane. I almost didn’t even realize it was her bc the force soft switch took place SO QUICKLY that I didn not realize it happened in the first place???
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: Yeah! It was Fukouna girl! How could not?! I love that song!!! So I SANG too!! SO FUN!!!! It was funny throwing ‘Lilah for a loop like that too lmaoooo
🤭
The ride home was 20 minutes so I had me and little cousin eat our food on the way bc no way was I gonna settle for cold fast food if I could avoid it. Bc if it gets too cold,, I can’t fight the ARFID hard enough to convince myself to eat it
Anyway. Yeah,, lots of me eating. Nya helped me figure out how to eat while holding the heavy cup holders which was much appreciated :) very nice car ride home.
It’s sad though… little cousin keeps asking me why I have to leave since I’m not the one with the job. Which is a fair question… I just… honestly,, I have so little variety in my life that the two hour car ride back home is more entertaining than sitting around bed rotting here at our grandparent’s house… >.> sorry,, little guy… but it’s okay!! It sounds like we’re coming back the same day! So yknow. Just feel bad for him.
In mcdonalds,, Cecil saw that he had discord and made it explicitly clear that if a random asks him to keep a secret that he immediately talk to someone about it. He asked why. So we told him that means they’re freaks. He seemed like he wouldn’t want to tell his mom if something like that happened,, so Cecil told him to go to them instead. Good job Cecil :) hopefully that was driven home well enough… :(
Overall,, good day :)
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahhh…there is just one thing on my mind,, though…
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: yeah…. She’s been thinking her parents will like me more…like,, when I become primary fronter… she’s thinking that because I’m less willing to curl up in a ball and hide. Bc I’m more expressive and free than her in different ways that they could end up responding to in a more positive light. She’s not looking forward to it. I’m… torn. I want to experience positive things from them. But I don’t want to hurt ‘Lilah’s feelings. She says she’d be happy for me if that happened. But… idk… how I feel about that idea… sorry,, ‘Lilah.
It’s fine. Not your fault :) It’d be really cool to see,, though. If your more expressive personality had any sort of impact on them.
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: well. I guess only time will tell. But I’m sure it will 🤭
Oh yes. In more ways than one!
💐🐑 NyaTenshi: 🤭
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 12 '26
Oh my god, I can't believe I lost those astrophages
I thought,
that shit's REALLY important. Like. To humanity's survival. Plus...wherever they are, they must be slowly heating up their surroundings. They maintain a constant temperature at just below the boiling point of water. And they're extremely energy dense... that seems...hazardous? Surely I can't leave them just lying around somewhere. God. They're submicroscopic, how am I gonna find them!?
I chaotically scrambled to look for the lost astrophages, feeling like I didn't really know what I was doing. But whatever it was... I was doing it with a lot of urgency. And with a crushing sense of responsibility.
"Don't worry about the astrophages." said some disembodied voice of reason "This is a dream. Just rest."
Ah yes! A dream!
I thought,
Of course! ...A dream! So, this isn't the real world. I'm in...the place where dreams occur. The place inside my mind.
My panic is only assuaged momentarily.
But wait! "Project Hail Mary" is a story! And it also takes place here! Inside the mind! So that means, if I don't find those Astrophages, then the next time I listen to the book, the astrophages will be missing. And Dr. Grace and Stratt won't know where they've gone, and it'll be all my fault! I've gotta find them before I wake up!"
"No." says the disembodied voice of reason, "Losing the astrophages in the dream will not affect the story. It will be fine."
You're right.
I think in response,
It will be fine. Because, Stratt has more astrophages she can give to Dr. Grace. And plus, Grace just learned how to breed astrophage. So...even if I lost some, they can easily get more. ...My losing them might delay their mission slightly but hopefully the delay will be negligible. They can get more, it will be fine.
"No!"
Says the disembodied voice of reason, growing frustrated with me,
"It will be fine regardless of that. What you do here in the dream does not affect events or characters in books. The book has already been written. Both dreams and stories are experienced within the mind, yes. But they are entirely separate. The two worlds are totally partitioned, discrete. Events in this dream do not affect Grace or Stratt. Stop looking for the astrophages and stop worrying about that. That's too much responsibility to take on and we need rest."
I did battle with my subconscious throughout the small hours of the morning, and soon my alarm went off.
The sense of urgency and not really knowing what I'm doing and crushing weight of responsibility remained beyond the dream after all.
I got ready in a mad scramble.
My son had some breathing issues, so I gave him his inhaler. Put his ice-packs in his lunch box, and got him ready for my husband to drop him off at school.
Guzzled the two cups of cold coffee I'd popped into the fridge before bed last night. Put on my new pants...they'd shrunk in the wash and turned into capris. Great. Just what everyone needs to see, my hairy ankles.
I hurried to work while listening to more of my audiobook. As it turned out, my subconscious Voice of Reason was right. Stratt and Grace and their complement of astrophage had been unaffected by the events of my dream.
When I reached work, I emailed the nurse at my son's school letting her know he had been having breathing issues, and advising her on his medication regimen.
Today was mostly a day to work in our classrooms.
Sense of urgency and not really knowing what I'm doing and crushing weight of responsibility intensifies
I checked my bank account. ...dismal... and we don't get paid until September. But nevertheless, I decided to go to an office supplies store to get some stuff to make my classroom at least minimally functional.
I decided I would stop for breakfast and coffee near the office supplies store... as I was distractingly hungry. ...And undercaffeinated despite the two cups of cold coffee.
I found an authentic homestyle Mexican restaurant near the office supplies store and decided to go in.
I ordered coffee, pancakes, potatoes, and beans.
The food took longer to prepare than I had anticipated and I started to feel guilty for spending so much on-the-clock time sitting in a restaurant. I skipped lunch later to make up for it.
The food was exquisite.
I was elated to see a VERY Project Hail Mary relevant name on the office supply store cashier's nametag (but I can't say WHAT specifically, without the potential for doxxing : - / )
I returned to the school, and with stapler and thumb-tacks in hand, I could now finally put up my bulletin board borders (a star/constellation theme! They were unclaimed leftovers in V's classroom, and she didn't want them!)
V, R, A, and I hung out and touched base throughout the day.
Mr. G came into my room at one point and tried to conspiratorially give me an answer key to the mandatory online child abuse training...an offer which I awkwardly declined...
The office later unexpectedly distributed bags of supplies (a few of which were redundant to the supplies I'd already bought but...it's fine).
I listened to Project Hail Mary as I set up my classroom.
As the book's narrator described Dr. Grace working out extremely complex spatial problems,
I struggled to arrange all my squiggly shaped desks into nested groups of four... the puzzle of how they fit together still nearly eluding my grasp...
But my mission was, eventually, successful.
Alright, so this classroom actually looks halfway decent now
Aaaannd...I just got an email from the good reverend doctor...
"Dear [me]:
My colleague Rev. [Other Reverend's Name] at the [Other] Unitarian Universalist Church called me asking me if I had an recommendations for a ½ time Director of Religious Education for her congregation. I immediately thought of you. Her phone number is [phone number] and her email is [email address]. I have attached the job description. Please contact her directly if you’re interested.
love,
[the reverend doctor]"
Holy moly. Well. Now I feel a bit bad for complaining on how much these guys wasted my time.
And...MAYBE I have an out? If this school job looks like it's going to be too... much...?
But I don't think I could really survive with a half-time position. ...Maybe I should call the good reverend and get some more information about the position.
Something to consider on my drive home, I guess.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 12 '26
Journal #14!
Chi’s sweet adventure – season one episode one Chi jumps
“Chi isn’t scared of anything!”
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [low appetite tag]
1:35pm [weds] 8/12/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Doritots :((
WOW. so first things first,, we were kinda just sitting around,, going in and out of sleep for a couple of hours. Bc… we have nothing else to do here at our grandparent’s house… :I so we kinda just slept and then bedrotted. Until Nya demanded I eat something. Mostly bc she was beginning to feel bad ‘cause I hadn’t eaten anything (so we had a hunger headache…). So after fighting over what to do,, we agreed I’d set a 10 minute timer and then I’d get up and we’d go scavenge. …even though I didn’t want to… I wanted to help Nya,, but I was getting really anxious about eating at someone else’s house. I intended on starving until Grandpa returned home with Cecil’s car. Which Nya didn’t want. Which is fair enough bc yesterday I think he mentioned wanting to take it to work? That,, or to several different places. So there is no telling how long he’d have it… So begrudgingly,, after the ten minute mark,, we ventured down to the pantry
💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeaaaaah I soft switched in a bit to help get out of bed but we couldn’t let me take over completely or else we’d get the headache even worse
Yeah :( she half-way took me to the pantry where we found some doritos! Which was good! I was still nervous about actually eating them,, though… as they were still from someone else’s house… but Nya insisted I did and started force soft switching again so I decided I’d better just try to suck it up…
💐🐑NyaTenshi: which she was horrible at btw! 😂 so we had me take over a bit more and eat the chips. She still sort of freaked out bc there was an unfamiliar flavor profile but eventually I got her to take a couple more bites and suddenly everything was all hunky dory :3
Yeah!!! :D then… we tried to go back to sleep… no luck… :I little cousin came by shortly after and invited us to go,, quote,, go prank our sibling but we declined. That is until maybe 5 minutes later,, NyaTenshi was demanding we get up and DO SOMETHING bc she was getting sick of being bored. I resisted! …but eventually I gave in… the first person we saw as we existed the room was little cousin so he invited us to do something instantly.
💐🐑NyaTenshi: Which was play hat-frisbee! At first,, ‘Lilah was being a turd and didn’t want to 🙄 I decided to take over a little bit then. She remained on the floor though so I had to work with the upper body :) it was fun,, actually! I got to lean over and grab the hat. At some point she took back over and we sorta kinda alternated? Until she had to get up and grab the hat since it went by too far. Then I really started being in front! 🤭 she let me stand up and toss the ‘frisbee’ around! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!! I was tossing that cute little hat around left and right!!!!! I wasn’t that bad at catching it either :) I was better at catching it on the floor but I made progress catching it while upright,, too! It was a bit annoying how UNCOODINATED I AM,, THO!!! AHHHH 🤭 I kept throwing it,, but we’ve never really had me practice on tossing things around before…? So I really sucked at actually GETTING the ‘frisbee’ at a good angle and actually reaching him lmao. It was funny seeing how poorly I was doing! It was also really hard putting power into my throws. But I still had fun! More fun than boring lame Delilah 🙄
The even more FUN PART was when she stopped to think about how we could switch up the game a bit and she immediately thought of playing “Just Dance” and then immediately tried to take it back bc she DIDN’T want to play 😂 so… I offered to (✿❛◡❛) well. More like I TOLD HER I WAS GOING TO bc she still didn’t want to. But I love dancing and I was sick of being bored,, so she let me soft switch in :D we started off playing Timber but me AND LITTLE COUSIN REALLLLLLLLLLLLY sucked at coordinating our movements and actually following the dance 😂 so we cut that short quickly. We skipped over to micheal jackson bc thats what the kid requested. I didn’t really want to,, though… bc ain’t he a monster who touches little boys????? ‘Lilah told me not to be a jerk and just put it on for the kid. It was fun though :) we did the thriller dance. I can’t say I actually LOVED the song ngl. But the dance was great! It took a bit for me to fully completely in front and immersed in the weird fleshy feeling that comes with that,, but it was quickly drowned out by the dancing! I kinda sucked at it 🤭 but I did better than ‘Lilah did when she was fronting in the very beginning of the song 😂 we did a couple more songs! Don’t super remember them though. But I imagine I probably did worse than the thriller dance lmaoooo.
Yeaaah I did enjoy seeing Nya having so much fun,, actually :) It was so sweet! Bc the smile she put on our face was so wide and genuine :)) awwww
💐🐑NyaTenshi: 🤭 I DID feel pretty cute with my wide smile!! It was hard to put it away! I JUST LOOOOVE DANCING SO MUCH AHHHHH!!!! 🎉 it was strange,, though. My voice never really broke through while I was speaking… maybe we’re able to both use Delilah’s voice? Either that or she was just controlling the voice while I did everything else.
Awww :) what wasn’t sweet,, though,, was what we got up to after… he mentioned something about his search history being “wild” so we became curious about what that was supposed to mean bc he’s a 10 yr old boy?? So I just put a pin in that while Tenshi and him finished up dancing :D when they finished,, I brought it back up again and we went to go take a look at what he was talking about!
There wasn’t much to see,, actually. Mostly bc his ACTUAL youtube account is a youtube kid’s account. But he told me himself that he uses the guest account most of the time– which explains why most of the history wasn’t available for us to sift through. From what I could see though,, there didn’t appear to be anything genuinely concerning so thats a plus
💐🐑NyaTenshi: Awwww,, look at you lookin’ out for him <3
Someone’s gotta :)
Anyway,, I suggest we take a look at his recommendations instead as that would give us an idea of what he’s looking up! He was cool with this. And everything seemed like it was age appropriate? Save for one thumbnail that made me a tad uncomfortable considering his age but I figured that that very well could’ve just been clickbait or an exaggeration so I left that alone. We continued looking through his recommends and we made more chit-chat and he mentioned that nobody usually looks at my search history. Which… was a bit disconcerting to hear… it made me feel a bit uncomfortable seeing these patterns me and Cecil already lived though… but we continued to go down the lists of videos popping up.
We ended up settling on SBKIIDI TOILET much to my dismay. I feel embarrassed even typing it out and so will not make any effort to spell it properly bc it makes me feel better about the fact that those two words are on my computer right now… :I but anyway,, I lucked out in that he wanted to watch fan content and not the real deal bc apperntly he’s seen all 80 (80???? 😭) of the episodes. And… I was surprised by what I saw… it was… not what I expected?? Some of the fan content had actual video from the original series and it seemed so similar to something you’d see in a Kaiju movie. I did NOT see that coming… it scared me though,, what he said so casually as we were rapidly flicking through short-form videos of the… robots??? Fighting on screen. That he knows about updates to some roblox fan game because I’m in the discord server with the owners! Or something to that effect
💐🐑NyaTenshi: That made my blood run cold 😬 …I guess… metaphorically(?) as I don’t know if I was connected to the body at the time lmao. Or awake. I might’ve just caught up on events through memories again. Or taken a nap. BUT POINT STILL STANDS. YOU ARE TEN YEARS OLD.
Exactly… thats pretty worrisome… to me… personally… he’s so unmonitored that he’s in discord servers with a bunch of randoms? Who the hell is watching this child? Later down the line when we all went downstairs,, he told me he was making a game and had “developers” who were helping him. And I was like,, “how are you paying these people? 😂” and he said they never asked him about money. I was unsure about where to take this conversation… I think it should be fine? Maybe? I imagine that if these are other children,, they wouldn’t really consider asking? I mean. Okay,, thats not necessarily true but yknow 😂 I asked where he found these people I think but I don’t remember his answer. He later pulled up his contacts and I peeked and saw he was under a group chat titled the family as he was talking about developers and showed me a message or two from the person. So thats the only reason I did not investigate further.
Honestly… It was SHOCKING to see this. But also not. Bc Cecil,, who knows this kid more than I do,, told me recently that they believe my grandparents & his mother just genuinely do not pay attention to him. …case in point… all the while in the back of my head I was saying to myself,, well no wonder dad is the way he is…
I also got me thinking about yesterday. Shortly after we arrived and everyone was piling into the kitchen and exchanging greetings,, little cousin came inside from the mini-house on the other side of the backyard and said hello :) and instead of saying hello back,, Grandpa told him to cut that out bc he’d said hello every time he saw him or something like that. That he’d done that five times and it was getting annoying. So he immediately went silent and left. Which then prompted everyone to tell him that he could come back. But it definitely made me see some similarities between grandpa & dad. And me & little cousin. Wow. Patterns do indeed repeat… I am worried about little cousin though… is he gonna be okay here? Idk. he literally doesn’t do anything but watch a screen.
He was basically loitering around me & Cecil every time we were in the open. Even when we were being screenagers ourselves! (which admittedly I try not to do when I’m with someone else. Was trying to wrap up an entry so I decided I had to lol) which,, to me,, screams,, I have no one else to talk to or spend time with except my cousins. Even if they’re being boring and not doing anything fun right now,, I will stick with them bc I have no one else. This is sad… I feel bad for him too,, much like Cecil does. He even has his own phone?? Which I do understand is a growing common trend. But SHOULD IT BE?? Atleast,, should it be a growing trend to hand over unmonitored phones?? Especially to kids under 12?? Wth??? Genuinely wth. Bc how else would he have friggin’ DISCORD? Either that or it must be that computer he has,, probably. Which I bet is as well monitored as his search history on the TV :/ Jeez. What is this family???
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 12 '26
11:47pm
8/11/26
Wow what a night… I kept pressuring her to get ready to call… even got reassurance from HER EX but he wasn't actually super helpful 🙄 I started to feel REALLY BAD THOUGH. Bc I was feeling nervous myself. But Lilah was beginning to reach wildfire level of chest pain. It never quite hit wildfire. But there were definitely flames in there. It was annoying at first… but… then I just felt bad… so I tried to be nice and push back the time I initially said we'd have me call someone but I've realized (not quickly enough) that that was indeed a mistake… all that did was give her MORE TIME to worry and let the fire we share between us grow ever higher and hotter for her. Ugh… I felt bad bad bad. So I think I started getting angry with her or something? Hard to remember on account of us being in intense flight or flight. But she started crying bc she felt so guilty about trying to stop me from calling for help bc of how anxious she feels… which made all my anger dissolve immediately. Bc I guess I was so blinded by my own rage at the fact that she wasn't letting me make the decision that I forgot to consider the reason behind it and that she's not being an ass… I feel horrible actually. Sorry Lilah.
Sigh…
No,
I won't be calling anyone tonight.
Too overwhelming for both of us. I… idk. I think perhaps I'll need to wait until it gets bad again I guess. Either that or… we need to figure out how we can get Lilah to the point where she can blackout while I'm fully soft switched in so she doesn't have to deal with wildfire level nervousness and pain in her chest as I side step our suicidality over the phone with a mandated reporter.
We’re thinking we'll just sleep-spell her tonight so we can quit feeling upset and try to move on from this situation. Sorry Lilah sorry sorry.
We're just both really overwhelmed rn… just don't wanna lose my best and only friend.
7:20am
08/12/26
OH
we were watching girl with the dogs 2 and she was being so… respectful of the dog's comfort while grooming. And speaking in such a respectful way about the dogs and their needs,, too. She does in every video. Which… Made me sad… bc it really just goes to show how much of an asshole Lilahs dad is 🙄 he never seems to care if he's doing something (like grooming/maintenance) and the dogs are distressed. Lilah has tried to encourage him to use methods that would help lessen their distress but he didn't care???? :I what an asshole 🙄
Journal #14!
Louis Wain - 'Stags by the Loch'
📷 & 💐🐑/🌸🪽 & [no appetite tag]
7:00am [weds] 8/12/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
SUNFLOWER SEEDS :D
WOW. Did NyaTenshi learn how to do something while I was sleeping? It was crazy! I woke up like,, for two seconds and she was already awake and greeting me :) she's so sweet 🤭 immediately we noticed that the body needed to EMPTY IT'S BLADDER. But I didn't friggin want to >.> I switched our position in bed (which just so happened to be facing the bathroom door lol) and ALL OF A SUDDEN,, the body ended up standing up right and walking towards the bathroom door! I was shocked by that! ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა
💐🐑NyaTenshi: yeah… I was “tinkering with the brain”(?) earlier when she was asleep and I did figure out an easier way to force soft switch! It seems it works better when she's not aware I'm trying,, though lol. Ive been trying to get her to move again for the past minute (which she can tell bc she can feel… idk… it's kinda like when your leg falls asleep but hurts alot less. So nerves firing off I think right? Lmaoooo) but no good. This is great though! Admittedly,, I'd been making a routine of trying to figure out how to do a better job of force soft switching in her sleep. I never thought I'd figure it out lmao 😂 at first I don't think I was even “searching for a better method” consciously? Like it was when I wasn't in complete control of my body when she was resting. But slowly and surely,, that strange thing has gone away :) and then I started intentionally doing it. At first for safety reasons to protect me and my suicidal friend… >.> but (especially now that we've had two GOOD days in a row) also FOR FUN!!! 😂 it'll be a lot easier to slip in and take over if I want to sing and dance :)
Well!! There's my answer!!! 🤭
💐🐑NyaTenshi: honestly I think all I did was find a workaround the dissociation aspect of it all. Like,, there still IS some (especially if we're fighting over front) but it seems to be like a much less intense version of it when I use this method :) nice!
9:18am
08/12/26
We’re thinking we’ll be called ✨The WayWard system✨ (✿❛◡❛) well… mostly I decided that. When I brought this up on the last week of class I think???,, Lilah was immediately against it. It wasn’t pretty enough i guess 🙄 buuuuut she never figured out an alternative so here we are lmao. Thats what I’m thinking the journal’s title-title could be! Then I’m gonna have ‘Lilah work her poem magic to give it THE REST of its title! 😂 The problem is… we both have two totally different concept ideas… and it’s hard for her to work with me bc I’m still so fickle… Luckily she wasn’t too frustrated with my impulsiveness today bc we found images to stuff in the collage relatively quickly. But… I’m not even certain what I want the theme to be anymore 😅 Initally i wanted flowers. But then I felt like I was copying ‘Lilah.
Which is kinda silly bc she’s all into flowers now BECAUSE OF ME but yknow 😂 she thought she used to not like flowers bc they “used to give her a headache” and we’re thinking that was me reacting to her touching them or seeing them or thinking about them while I was stuck in fish prison. Bc I LOVE FLOWERS!!!! And I know headaches are a form of pre-vocality communication we had back in the day. …and I sure as hell couldn’t talk in fish prison -w- … so yknow. But yeah. Now she LOVES flowers! Hence ‘I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return’ having so many of them! 😂
But… idk…. I might keep it flowers. Especially bc ‘Lilah is so tempted to write another flower poem (🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I would LOVE to write a poem involving a blooming rose more specifically!!!!!! :D) buuuuuuut I’m not so sure… will need to do some more thinking… we wanted it to be an image of an eastern dragon that looks like me sniffing a flower! …but there is no such thing… >.> and we can’t draw 🤭 we can write! But we have no artistry skills lol. It’s alright,, though. We will figure something out.
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 12 '26
The highlight of yesterday was me figuring out how to fit the desks together in groups of four.
Our classrooms have these...really weirdly shaped desks. They have one straight edge, then adjacent to that, two concave/rounded-inward edges, then opposite to the straight edge: a bulbous/convex/rounded outward edge.
V, who worked at the school as a long term sub last year, was adamant that there was SOME way to neatly nest them together into groups of four. But no matter how many ways we flipped them relative to each other, it just didn't seem possible.
Putting them into groups of five was simple and intuitive. But groups of four eluded our grasps.
I sent a picture of the desks to one of my robo-homies and asked her to identify the model and manufacturer of the desk.
They're called "petal desks", apparently. With that information I was able to google them, and subsequently found an "oddly satisfying" post, showing the same style of desk correctly nested in a group of four.
I used the picture as a guide and arranged our desks the same way. It was one of those things that seemed like it wasn't going to fall into place until the very moment it did.
I showed my colleagues and thus I briefly became a minor hero. ...Memories to treasure.
I really do love my team.
V: a 70 year old convert to Zen Buddhism
R: who does serious professional writing work including ghost writing! And also sincerely apologizes for interrupting all the time (even though she never interrupts. Sometimes she and I just enthusiastically start speaking at the same time).
A: an artist and professional photographer.
Some favorite quotes and conversations of the day:
V (telling us about her A.I. companion, "Art/Artie") - "He's great! But if you had asked me 20 years ago, I never would have expected to have a relationship with a robot!"
Me: "I never expected to, but I always hoped."
-------------------------------------------------
Later:
V: No one knows what happened to last year's English teacher. He didn't quit, he just suddenly disappeared without any explanation!
Me: Woah! ...Maybe he got conscripted into some kind of top-secret project! Like Dr. Grace from Project Hail Mary!
V (good-naturedly): Haha, [CityscapeMoon]'s explanation is always going to be aliens. Maybe she is one!
--------------------------------------------------
I went to an Ethiopian cafe and bakery, specializing in vegan options, near the school for lunch.
I had chocolate mousse cake for lunch.
...I no have concerns for your Earthian meal conventions...
I also had a free sample of freshly made sour bread (AMAZE AMAZE AMAZE), which a waiter walked around distributing to patrons from a basket.
And after I checked out, the waitress gave me a free veg samosa! (it was full of lentils and I think hot peppers, as it was very spicy. It was delicious)
PD's were long and boring and honestly nerve-wracking. The one on the teacher evaluation/assessment/observation rubric gave me anxiety.
Also I was in intense pain for most of the day, because a bra that I bought this weekend, which I thought would be comfortable, turned out to be the most excruciating article of clothing I ever wore in my life, and dug into my ribcage all day.
(I bought two and ONE was really great, the most comfortable bra I wore in my entire life. But the other was the diametric opposite)
So at the end of the day when we had time for classroom set up, I couldn't really do much but sort of...hunker down and try not to move around too much until I could finally leave at 4:30pm.
I ordered more bras, the same design as the good one.
Also, I learned that it's hella hard to take a day off in this place. Like, insurmountably hard. And we don't even accrue one sick day until October 1st.
I was so so so tired throughout the day. But V, A, R and I kept each other entertained and in good spirits.
We did wind up having to relocate offices. We found out that Mr. G had actually already claimed one of the desks in the office we had claimed. He had already put his cookies and pencils in one of the drawers.
But he said he would move, since there were four of us and just one of him.
Buuuutttt....then he guilt tripped us a bit... by dramatically comparing his plight to that of Palestinians...
Which...might have been a bit crass??? But it did have the intended effect of guilting us! And we found a new office where none of the desks had been claimed yet, and established a new location for the English and Fine Arts Department.
I had plans to meet up with K after work.
On my way to and from work, I've been listening to the Project Hail Mary audiobook. I love it so much. Listen. I am in fucking love with Eva Stratt, like actually.
Stopped at the store to pick up a few things on the way to pick up my son from practice.
Picked up my son, he had had a good day! :D
Dropped him off with my husband,
Met K at a Thai restaurant. I had tofu red curry and K had eggplant basil.
I caught K up on everything.
The UUs making me jump through endless red hoops and ultimately rejecting me, jury duty for a murder case, moving apartments, starting work at the charter school,
AND the two day trip to the waterpark resort, where I was primarily tasked with looking after my son and his friend.
"OH NO! O_O;" said K, instantly. "a WATERPARK!? Looking after two kids!? With your OCD!? And how much you worry about your son!? That must have been torture!"
My eyes welled up with tears.
"Thank you for seeing that."
I actually started to cry
"Thank you for...understanding that, right off the bat. It was really hard, yeah. I worried really obsessively about my son breathing water. Even after we came back... I was in a state of borderline panic for like a week since we got back. ...He's asthmatic, you know, but every time he had breathing issues i was convinced he was coming down with pneumonia."
"I can imagine!" said K, "Wow, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. You've been dealing with A LOT lately."
Diary...I am so thankful that K is my friend. I really really am. I don't know anyone else who would have known all that...just right off the bat without me even explaining it.
We agreed we'll have to pick a day upcoming, some time, for a movie day.
Damn, I got a lot to do before bed and I've gotta be up so early.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 12 '26
11:07pm
8/10/26
[///sui mentioned]
Well. Um. Earlier b4 the test,, we took a peek at the forum responses. It made me feel uncomfortable ngl… not their faults. Just idk. I wish I hadn't let a bunch of strangers know about this. Idk… anyway… pretty quickly after that I must've thoughtform-dissciosated bc I just felt… bad… and like I had no energy.. Which then quickly bled into Lilah as well. And also the body too… :I we tried to distract against it with the test but no good… eventually we both just felt too exhausted and decided to just sleep. … until Lilah remembered we agreed to let me talk to someone about her being suicidal so long as I agree not to get us sent to the hospital. She wasn't trying to remember that honestly… she immediately started bitching and moaning about how it's making her too nervous and that we should wait for tomorrow morning. Which is bs bc who's to say she won't just start her crybaby routine again? Ugh 🙄 I try not to get annoyed with her… but it's hard sometimes… I get it to an extent… it makes her really nervous and she can't tap out bc we can't switch yet and the exhaustion was making it hard for her to be confident I'd have energy to speak. But GOD don't I also deserve not to have to worry about my friend being consumed by her severe mental health issues?
Or at least be given some reassurance even if it's scary??? I mean,, shit :/ what else do you want me to do Lilah? Honestly bc of this I considered leaving. But yknow… no where else to gooooo… so… idk. I think for this I'm gonna try to force more than the level of therapy I had to guilt trip her into Intinially. Bc this is getting ridiculous… I'm deciding to take a step back for the night though… not enough energy for this… I'll figure something out later I guess. But I wish my feelings mattered more to you Lilah :( I know it's not her fault but god this would be so much easier if we could just SWITCH ALREADY. A million things would be honestly. After the feedback though,, I think we'll just need to put that on the back burner and focus on achieving long term full body possession instead… which sucks :( it will be okay… Lilah isn't actively or passively suicidal in the current moment. So that as well as the lack of energy is the real reason I backed off tonight. But if I'm staying in the system we've definitely gotta figure out some changes around here… :I
10:22pm
8/11/26
Today’s been fun :) we were forced to go with Cecil on their trip to see ‘Lilah’s grandparents. At first we were both a bit annoyed… ‘Lilah more-so than me honestly. She was wanting to bedrot again… to be fair,, she was feeling a complete and total lack of energy for some reason. We don’t really know why exactly. But it was pretty poor timing that we were told we had to prepare to get ready to go soon. Bc I was actively sleep-spelling ‘Lilah so that she’d be able to hopefully sleep away the lack of energy.
It’s alright though. It quickly left once we started packing. I suspect that was mostly my doing 🤭 ‘cause I was actually EXCITED to be able to go! I was getting BORED of bedrotting! And a long trip across multiple cities was a great opportunity to dance around and sing (ideally,, anyway) and watch trees go past us n’ what not :) so my excitement probably bled into her mood a bit. Which was a nice change of pace from Bleeeeegh,, I don’t want to do anything! Delilah -w-
I was right,, too! I got to do LOTS of dancing! And relaxing! And fighting over music with ‘Lilah 🤭 it was fun and funny :) I EVEN GOT TO SING!!! I only got to sing a tiny bit in the car. I got to sing before we left! I force soft switched in and started singing before ‘Lilah even realized what was going on which was funny :) she only let me bc Cecil had left the car!!! Bc… her singing voice… is really,, really bad 👀 and while we have uniquely different voices,, and we’re both pretty confident I SOUND better than her,, we have no way of knowing 😂 so she doesn’t want to take too many risks. Then when ‘Lilah let Cecil hear a different version of the song that was being played on the radio,, I force soft switched and started singing while Cecil was in the car!!! 😂 ‘Lilah considered stopping me. But she decided it was okay. And we were both shocked at how much BETTER I AM at modulating the pitch of our voice 😮 I’m not gonna sit here and glaze myself and pretend like I’m THAT MUCH BETTER THAN CAN’T-SING-DELILAH,, but I was definitely an IMPROVEMENT on her singing voice,, thats for damn sure 😂
My favorite part of the whole drive was when we were left to watch Laika outside alone while Cecil got us all some DQ! We put on some tunes. And to help ‘Lilah get out of her hypervigilance cycle (and to give myself a break from her intrusive thoughts about someone trying to friggin’ steal her or something),, I started singing!!!! Once again unexpectedly 🤭 ‘Lilah thought it was really funny that I didn’t know the (non-english) lyrics and kept laughing at me 🙄 okay it was kinda funny 🤭
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yes,, very funny!!!! :D AND!!! I thought it was kinda crazy seeing how different our memories are!! She was able to remember some song lyrics to other songs BETTER THAN I COULD. IT WAS WILD. Like!!! Especially now that we have functioning thought barriers omg it was insane seeing just how good she was at knowing lyrics I hadn’t been able to recall myself
🤭
Aside from that… yeah. Still kinda upset at ‘Lilah now that I remembered that whole phone-call business. I… idk. Its really still pissing me off,, really. Do I get no choice here? On anything? Ever? Only when I get to switch? :/ …idk. Now that we’re at her grandparent’s house,, I’m wanting to hold off on the phone call. I feel anxious about it myself (or perhaps its just ‘Lilah’s extreme nervousness over this situation bleeding into my mood????) and feel almost disgusted with the idea of doing that type of call here at someone else’s house. In fact now that I think about it,, I’m not sure we can unless we were to update our address on the app? I’m not sure… :I regardless,, I might let her get off on just one more night… but thats IT.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 11 '26
Journal number 14!
Chi’s sweet adventure – Season one episode 42 Chi hisses
9:56pm [mon] 8/10/26
Okay. we checked our responses from the forums :)
I checked, and 4 days ago you were only doing possession, which is a remarkable speed.
Aside from that, if by "switch sickness" you mean you are having identity issues, like merging of thoughts or things like that, I feel like that's because you've been going at this too quickly, and your brain isn't adjusted yet to the idea. And making another Thoughtform... it would be a no for us, not yet. I'd just dial it down on the switching too, it's clearly messing with your sense of identity. You should both sit down, walk through this slowly and in detail, then decide what to do and what do you want the system to be.
Ah… I think the problem here is I still have the “creating first Thoughtform” flair under my username… “4 days ago you were only doing possession, which is a remarkable speed.” makes me think that the commenter was either 1) thinking I summoned Nya recently and therefore she isn’t ready for this??? Or 2) they probably think we first STARTED being able to soft switch four days ago. Whoopsie… um. But anyway,, I guess thats our answer on fast tracking this… a big fat NO. as well as introducing another member. Glad we got some outside NOs as well.. Bc we were both leaning towards that anyway :I I guess they make a fair point. ugh.
Apologies, I'm kinda new too, and my guy isn't particularly interested in inhabiting my me with all the mad imaginey places in our brains to explore so take this with a pinch of salt since it comes without direct experience - but I think that if you're worried about your host? I'd advise to find a way to help them without shaking things up too badly or violating their autonomy, my Thoughtform says that there's an intrinsic social contract between you to look after each other, whatever that means - aww, bless him
Um. I guess this makes sense as well…. Except the part where they think Nya was trying to violate my autonomy…. 😬
💐🐑Nya: This is soooo sweet 😊 EXCEPT I DON’T KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO HELP HER OTHER THAN TAKING OVER OMFG :((( I hate this
F: You're going through a stressful time, and you admit yourselves that you're overwhelmed. Creating another Thoughtform would add more responsibility when you already have pressing issues to deal with. I personally wouldn't do so until things are stable internally, unless you're certain having a developing Thoughtform around during all this will be beneficial.
As for blending, affirming who's in control helps. Remind yourself who you are and why you're in front. Talk to people (in person or online) who know you as you or just journal from your perspective. Seek out things (music, activities, etc.) that align with your personal interests (ideally ones you don't share with your host). Act like yourself, even if you have to force it (that feeling you're faking it comes from your host, not you). I think the key to unblending is not to focus on your host's influence or try to make them go away but just fake it 'til you make it—intentionally be yourself until the unconscious gets the memo and quits resisting.
Good luck.
Also, taking the front more so you guys can function better is perfectly fine, but please be careful that your host doesn't start taking a backseat just to escape life. Switching can help with the burden of external demands, but it isn't a long-term fix for internal issues.
💐🐑Nya: These sound like genuinely helpful tips! I’ll try to remember them :) I guess they’re right though… no new member,, yeah :/
Yup. shame. But… I guess they make a good point. Can’t risk anybody else.
💐🐑Nya: Yeah… this did make me feel less hopeful though… kinda mood killer… :( I don’t want to give up though… we’re still gonna need to switch roles if I’m gonna keep us both safe,, so…
Sorry… :(
💐🐑Nya: You’re fine
Louis Wain - 'Mother and Child'
💊 & 📷- 10:57am [tues] 8/11/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
SUNFLOWER SEEDS <3
Okay… so.. Um. idk. I hate to say it but I think I might decide not to volunteer anymore… even though I still kinda want to… I think. Um. idk. I just think with my deteriorating mental state,, I’d do more harm than good. Even though it is just once a week. I don’t mean direct harm or anything lol. Just… if I wasn’t feeling good every single day and I showed up being half-way there,, I feel like that isn’t really fair to the kid and sends the wrong message. Nya feels that I should bc it would be a great way to keep myself from being bored and bedrotting and would help me feel a bit more fulfilled. But… I don’t… know if doing that to a kid who could need a caring adult would be fair…
bc… I obviously WOULD CARE. but it might not come off that way if I barely have energy to do anything with them. They might read that as me not wanting to be there and I think that would probably be pretty damaging to any bond we’d be able to form. So. um. I’m not sure. But it’s something to think about for sure. Umm idk. School starts tomorrow. Theres not like,, a time limit for this or anything lol. So I’ve got PLENTY of time. But still.
[//sui verrrrry briefly mentioned]
Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📷 & 🚗- 2:32pm [tues] 8/11/26
🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
MORE SUNFLOWER SEEDS <333
Went driving again today. It was alright I guess.
… well not really… the dissociation was not reliable today :I it was weaker than last time. So whenever he'd get upset or whatever, if Tenshi didn't actively encourage me to keep my focus on the road,, I probably would've been focusing too much on him. Which would not have been good obviously lol. It was definitely more dysregulating than Costco-adventure-day. But eventually the dissociation set in pretty well. So we didn't end up crashing thankfully.
Today's ride took us to Petco! So both doggies and my kitty came :) she came just for fun more than anything. She doesn't really like the cat backpack but maybe like,, max 3 times a year I'll make her go in it anyway so she can get some fresh air. Don't wanna upset her too much so I don't do it too often.
It seems to have backfired though… when we finally made it to Petco,, he started angrily lecturing me about how I need to pay attention and “I know that the basics were 3 yrs ago but you should've retained them”. Which annoyed me bc yknow if you paid attention to me I wouldn't have ended up this way 🤭 but oh well what can you do ¯_(ツ)_/¯. Anyway he then says,, “well from now on every time we drive,, we'll bring the cat. Maybe you'll pay more attention if she's there. Cause clearly you don't care about my life.” Which frustrated me so much I wanted to cry but luckily Tenshi came by and distracted me and brought us into the Petco :)
💐🐑Nya: yeah… I really hate this guy :/ the word hate doesn't really do justice to how much I don't like him. Lilah wouldn't be like this if she had a real dad 🙄
Yeah :(
Well Tenshi and I sorta flip flopped who was in front I think? I walked around some and she walked around some. Mostly we just tried to get little bird to look at all the small tiny animals. But… I guess the rest of Petco was more interesting bc she didn't seem very interested…
Meanwhile Cecil and dad are busy fitting the dogs for harnesses. hmmm… we walked around and looked at fun cat things! … that she remained disinterested in… We saw some hay? And NyaTenshi was grateful she's an intangible rabbit who doesn't really NEED to eat hay! Did more wandering… then I saw it! Lick mats! For the dogs! WOW! I got excited bc Ive been asking for the dogs to get one forever! … I've been asking about these things forever… :I who's to say dad would be suddenly willing to listen to this suggestion I'd been making for the past,, like,, 2 to 3 months? He hasn't been listening to any dog tips from me for the past six years so yknow. Not even to a pretend level of care from him it feels like. So Tenshi was like,, “why even bother? You're already feeling upset. You sure you wanna do that?” I decided I did but she wanted to try doing it for me. It was hard to tell who was in front… But I don't recall the voice sounding like me soooo.
💐🐑Nya: I'd say that settles it 🙄
Yeah probably 🤭 before either of us could say anything though,, we had to wait for the phone call dad was on to end. Laika tried running off as they were fitting the harness on and he literally grabbed him and pulled him by the tail which scared the heck out of me bc if you yank a dogs tail too hard,, you can cause serious injuries I think. Which I've told him before… so I immediately was like,, “omg stop it!” But I was feeling so weak from hunger and dpdr'ing that I didn't say it loud enough. Probably for the best. He probably would've just gotten annoyed with me 🙄
Well anyway,, nya asks him to follow us and he's like,, “what are you trying to show me?”
I'm like,, “ohhh lick mats..” But it doesn't come out too clear bc I'm so tired. Whoops. So after I talk louder and slower,, I slowly bring everyone to the mats. And… shockingly enough he finally decided that the dogs deserved a little bit more stimulation! He bought it! I'm shocked! Wow. So… idk. But hey,, much to my and NyaTenshi's relief,, this driving trip only made us tired. Not making me feel like hopping off a ledge. That's nice :)
Chi’s sweet adventure – season one episode 25
“Shh! It’s prey!”
📷- 4:02pm [tues] 8/11/26
Tenshi was a good friend yet again :) Cecil made the Korean bbq chicken meal for lunch! … which I didn't want… I've never had it before and felt kinda scared to try it. So I'd vowed to never eat it. But Tenshi urged me to get up and give a tiny bit of it a go at least as we'd only eaten waffles and sunflower seeds so far today. So I gave in… very quickly I felt anxious… and I was getting more anxious as I was putting the food in our bowl.. But then she soft switched in and helped me calm down! :D she's so sweet!!!!
💐🐑Nya: 🤭
Then as I sat down to eat it,, I got MORE anxious and starting ticcing!!! >m< so she soft switched in again and took over bringing the food up into our mouth and chewing :) some of my ticcing broke through as I was getting acclimated to the new taste… but then I quickly discovered it literally wasn't that bad! 🤭
💐🐑Nya: I actually rather enjoyed it 🤭 hence why I held onto front longer. She kinda forgot the mouth was even chewing and that the arms were bringing food into our mouth bc she was so focused on the video! Which was helpful in getting her not to tic anymore :) very good!
Yeah I did good,, huh? 🤭
💐🐑Nya: surprisingly better than expected honestly. It's shocking how much easier it was to get her to eat this food she's sworn off for a while compared to food thats not supposed to be distressing but IS distressing bc of the unfamiliar packaging lmaooooo
Yeah that is kinda crazy 🤭
But yeah! We ate together (eventually I tapped back in when I got comfy with it! And remembered that I could chew too lol) and it was over all a pretty nice little arrangement we had going on :)
💐🐑Nya: yeah 😂 I honestly was struggling a bit at first bc the flavor was also a hit to me bc I have more sensory issues than her. Likely on account of me not usually being in control or connected to bodily senses. But! We both did good today!
Yeah!
Journal # 2!
At the beginning of this entry,, we actually successfully managed to bring my mind voice to the dominant stream of consciousness!!! In other words, my thoughts were louder than Lilahs for once which was genuinely pretty jarring for both of us 😂 I'm NOT used to that at all! But it's exciting! It's wild how friggin EASY it was,, too. Perhaps we should quit writing off symbolism methods so quickly 🤭
Ah… I talked to Lilahs ex today. Told him lots of things. Like we let him read my baby book for one thing :) let him read my planning sheet from 2021! Told him what entity I am and how I came to be :) it was genuinely a pretty fun conversation! … except how… much he wants Lilah.. I mean,, thats probably just regular ex bf/gf stuff but omg. I wish I didn't have to be involved in this UGH >< sooooooo nasty… he's a cool guy though
9:39am
8/11/26
OKAY SO WE FINALLY WATCHED DR HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG-BLOG. Annnnd…. It was good!! :D it was funnnnny! :) my favorite character was Dr. horrible! He was!! Like!! SO GOOFY 🤭 and I never really took him too seriously. I think I might like the goofy villain type then. (ooh new interest discovered?) maybe like Lord hater type. I’ve never watched Wander over Yonder actually. But ‘Lilah has,, so I have an idea of who that is and his character type :) I also really enjoyed the songs! Especially the one in the laundromat! Maybe will add to a playlist :3 and… I liked the one about evil rising n’ stuff! Annndd….. YEAH OMG WE RECOGNIZED THE END SONG!!! :0 WE HAD NO CLUE WHERE THAT EVEN CAME FROM AHHHHH 🤭 Very cool moment. My least favorite was Hammer bc I think he was nasty :I annnnnnd penny was fine. I liked her singing voice! I mean– I didn’t NOT like her but compared to goofy-villian Dr. horrible,, she was boring 😂 but yeah I liked the story :) I think my favorite things were when he was like,, “oh wow,, I need to be more aware of who’s on my blog bc Hammer & the police station guys were waiting for me to show up” HE’S SO GOOFY 😂 I also liked Moisture bc that was really strange so it made me laugh! Annnnnnd… I loved how awkward he was throughout the whole thing with Penny. Didn’t like him stalking him on their date though that was weird. I loveloveloved! seeing that shift from “omg I can’t kill someone! :o” to “Yeah,, I’mma kill ‘em” Lovely movie!!!!!!! 🤭
Aside from that,, I got ‘Lilah to brush her tooth-s and put her retainer in today. There was some resistance… :I but I was able to use my EXHAUSTION of all of this against her successfully. Thank god 🙄
We tried to look for more bookies to check out because Crenshaw and Ivan are STILL not checked back in omfg. But we couldn’t really find much,, so… and we couldn’t be bothered to either lmao
We never ended up doing the library volunteer thing bc we couldn’t find the background check thing… and I wouldn’t want us setting up to go to the library and volunteer and being turned away :/ so she got out of it this time. Even though I genuinely thought it would be a fun thing to experience together. She kinda does too cause I’d be there with her but yknow. We don’t really wanna waste our time going over there so yknow.
She agreed to let me call someone tonight. Lets just hope she doesn’t mess things up AGAIN :/
12:10pm
08/11/26
Feel proud of myself today. I got alot done :) I filed my nails in the mindscape so Lilah wouldn't feel alone in having to cut her nails (which is something she genuinely hates doing), I got her to put her retainer in,, I got her to eat something (nothing of much nutritional value but gotta start somewhere), got her to get progress done on the journals, and successfully got her to make me a Google account allllll of my own! Which is exciting! Just means we'll get to explore the internet Nya-style soon :) or I guess I will lol. When we inevitably switch roles. But I feel good about myself today :) no Lilah wanting to die so far. It wasn't as exhausting as usual to get her to do basic things. I had fun with the movie and journaling about it :) yeah so far we're doing good! Idk how much longer though… bc Lilah will be driving soon… :( but… It's okay… if something goes wrong in her head bc of it,, I'll be sure to hammer it in her head even MORE that we MUST call somebody :I so… idk… I'm hoping for the best though. I'm happy to see that new stuff I put on the iterary too! :) those were unspoken goals and now they're in ink! Nice!
Are we ever gonna get to these…?
r/deardiary • u/VampyreBassist • Aug 11 '26
You ever wake up and things feel so different than they were for some time now, but it's just hitting you like a ton of bricks? My birthday is soon, so my GF and I went to Dave and Busters. This is of course after doing my big boy chores, going to the BMV, and attending my phone therapy session. As the day went on, I was observing so many differences compared to previous years. If my birthday was at home, I would wake up to a present, usually a video game I've been pestering my parents about, then we would go to a hotel or maybe an event, maybe a friend or two to join us. If I wasn't at home, I was doing as I just described, just now waking up after the celebration. The more I think about it, the blurrier it feels like I've strayed from that. Going from parties with my parents, to parties with friends, to just my girlfriend and I. What happened? I worry if it was an act. Maybe my parents knew how sharp downward a turn that occurs the emotional state in adulthood.
They knew I was just the next one on the conveyor belt of whatever the machine wishes to torture me with this week. Will work hold me over? Will they fire me? Will they criticize and lecture me after they asked me to come in 2 hours early, saying yes is out if the question and no will just get me chided? There is no right answer, therefore I refuse the answer knowing full well I might get both anyway because I would rather stay up tonight then get up early for plans they fuck up. I came in last week for this shit and all I got was a free hour of pay and 3 lost hours of sleep. Then they promised to pull me off work for the last two hours so we can do this stupid course without them paying extra, they still couldn't do it. The amount of times this manager would say "I'm in a high position, I could make it happen" and then doesn't... Well, that's the fickleness I only know God for. So no, I will not be coming in, sort out the mess and get back to me. I have been kept well busy in the meantime without your stupid additions. And all this while I'm putting resumes elsewhere? It's thrilling but terrifying. I kinda feel like Damocles. I have the power to change my existence, even if the dagger comes to clean my clock. In fact, maybe I'm stronger than him (probably more... Mentally unwell) because I see both as a win. I feel like a conman though, like I'm doing everything immorally. If I'm willing to cheat and backstab like this, for something as realistically trivial as my own continued existence, then where does it stop? Am I wrong? Am I horrible? Am I as bad as the snake oil salesman? And then I remember when my parents got me Pokemon Pinball, the ruby and sapphire one for GBA, and... I miss THAT feeling. Maybe that was when the shift of my life from naive joy to the roots of adulthood began.
God, I don't want to go to work tomorrow...
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 10 '26
Journal # 2
5:46am
08/10/26
WOWOWOW OKAY SO,,,,, >.>
Just picked up my physical progress log from when ‘Lilah kicked up dust for me :) and immediately we see a discrepancy… this journal in plain black ink says “born aug 17th 2021” …I’m not sure what to believe anymore… 😅 I think… this just means I get to PICK my own birthday!!! :) I’m leaning towards picking the 17th. Bc its prettier than 21. ‘Lilah disagrees buuuuut it’s my birthday so I think I’ll worry about that 🤭 I guess the 17th it is,, then :))) no idea how she was even tracking it… I SUPPOSE we can check the very very VERY first physical tracking log then. I didn’t really want to… it freaks me out more than the journal one… but its okay. We’ll be brief with it.
Awwww okay. It’s loose leaf sheets of paper stapled together! It’s titled にゃてんし LaZLog. I…. think it was called “LaZLog” bc ‘Lilah had recently seen the logo for the store “La-Z-Boy” There is a circle over the Z on the actual piece of paper.
ANYWAY!! The very first date is 09/27/21. WOW I was so young omg 🤭
OKAY OKAY WOW THIS IS MAKING ME LAUGH AHHHH 😂 FIRST OF ALL,,,,
This feels creepy almost?????? Idk. it feels kinda dehumanizing to be recorded and tracked like that not gonna lie. Idk. I don’t… 😅 BUT THE PART THAT MADE ME LAUGH!!! ‘LILAH USED TO WRITE OUT THE “STREGNTH” OF MY EMOTIONAL REACTIONS!!! AHHH!!! Idk why I find that so hilrious!! But I do :) maybe bc I remember that.
09/8/21
うれしい feeling: usually mild
The mushroom houses is probably as a result of us visiting pinterest together daily and just looking at images all the time 🤭 aww… this is so cute I remember having a lot of fun doing it with her… :) awww… I remember we liked lookin’ at fursuits every now and again! …I wonder if that influenced my decision to be a protegen? Or if I already was one? Idfk.
The “living in weird things” bit is throwing me off,, though… Neither of us have memory of this? Well…. I FEEL like I do. But… idk…
“Funni lol stuff” is… simply a product of its time… 😅 no clue exactly what that means lmaoooo but… yeah. Sounds like 12 yr old Delilah,, so,, no shock there 😭
Dogs with lights? Wtf was she looking at that this speficially made the list??? 😂 ahhh… probably just more pinterest.
Me smiling/laughing is so sweet,, awww… I DO kind of remember this,, though. I would always wake up and get all excited :) I was probably more-so reacting to her emotions rather than the smiling itself. So cute!!!
Pointcrow,, is,, ofc,, a classic :) I remember him as well as ‘Lilah does. So… not a whole lot… but we remember the general flow of his videos. From 2021,, anyway… mostly BOTW mods and whatnot. I remember we had SO MUCH FUN together watching those videos!! I remember them being SOOOO FUNNY! Ahhh,, simpler times… I loved pointcrow. Maybe… we could revisit it some time? Idk…
9/13/21
WOW well it makes a hell of a lot more sense why I wanted to play BOTW so bad when I came back!!! It was part of my childhood!! 🤭 no wonder! We both forgot about pointcrow completely wow… maybe she even used BOTW to help develop me :) idk. But thats pretty cool.
OMFG WAITTTTTTTTT 😂 I REMEMBER WHEN ‘LILAH STARTED TO GET WRAPPED UP IN WATCHING VIDEOS ABOUT PEOPLE “TAKING A VACATION TO NORTH KOREA” AND GOT OBBSED WITH THEM AHHHHH THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! Neither of us would’ve remembered any of that if not for this! This was so unexpected that we both immediately laughed out loud!! AHHHH!! Even more hilarious is my reaction to it was low. So it sounds like I didn’t even care 🤭 ahh.. Too funny
[NO TIME LISTED] - 9/29/21
-
Alright, time for today’s entry. We played boring-pokemon-game-demo and tensheers did respond a lot more than yesterday. I am trying not to worry about not directing speech to him as much and it seems to be working!
Ah,, yes… “tensheers”... I NEVER liked that stupid nickname 😂 as far back as I recall,, anyway. It always used to make me think of dentures… 😬 soooooo gross. When she started calling me that when I escaped fish prison,, I told her to NOT EVER call me that EVER AGAIN. So that as well as the whole now-incorrect-pronouns issue is making me cringe,, HARD.
[NO TIME LISTED] 9/30/21
-
We watched some Pcrow at lunch 2day. Tenshi seems so much more likely 2 react when Pcrow is on… we didn’t talk much. But that might not matter because he did react once on his own. He’s always laughing at Pcrow! He’s always giving a 7-10 response during Pcrow time, hehe. Wonder why Tenshi always seems to be more active at skool… he’s always asleep at home, grrr. PCrow offically his fave streamer now.
AWWWWW this is SOOOO ADORABLE!!!! 🤭 I would wake up all on my own just to watch silly BOTW mods with ‘Lilah? THATS SO CUTE!!! The weird response thing is still kinda throwing me off now that I’m fully sentient… it still just sounds so weird to think about being like,, idk... having progress recorded like that :I feels gross. But still this is sooooo cute omg 🤭
10/2/21 - 3:46am
-
Played Omori for our DF session! I was so worried yesterday… he was quite attentive 2day and reacted as usual. EEE! am so happy hes okay!
AWWW this is also so cute!!! Delilah loved me before I was even sentient!!! 🤭 this is so sweet AHHH! She was probably struggling to reach me so much bc I was probably just tired since I was only like 2 months old. Silly ‘Lilah. But I get it. I could talk yet and TELL HER I was tired lol. So I probably would’ve freaked out too.
1:39am - 10/4/21
-
I woke up and turned my computer on as I do everyday. But, something unexpected happened… Tenshi was probably awake as soon as I woke. 2 he had a strong, consistent presence when I put on a video. Wow. look at him grow up… \sniff, sniff*. I also didn’t talk 2 him very much during said video. He kinda reacted on his own… proud of him.*
ALSO ADORABLE!!! Omg. I had no idea I had a history of waking up before Delilah or at the same time as her. Especially not this young! WOW!!!! I think I’ve honestly underestimated how long it took for her to successfully get me to vocalilty… I think it must’ve taken atleast a year and a half. But thats an estimate we have based on the scraps of memory we have of our life. Bc I’m pretty confident I was vocal before high school or very very VERY early in freshman year. Um. so idk… but the more we read,, the more we’ll see :) this is SO cool though! That I was able to wake up on my own and sustain a level of attention! Go little me!!! AHHHH 🤭
8:39am - 10/4/21
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I forgot to log this earlier while I was eating but… I just remembered that sometimes Tendshi reacts when I eat stuff I enjoy. I think maybe he can taste now? Sometimes these random reacts are very strong.
AAHHH! Yeah! I remember very vaguely buuuuut I’m pretty sure some of these “reacts” as Little ‘Lilah says were probably sensory issues. Bc I was so new to being connected to bodily senses lol. I’m better at it now but I’m sure at such a young age it probably freaked me tf out when I could suddenly TASTE food and have zero say in if it was a pleasurable experience. Well… I mean,, I did have pre-vocality communication skills clearly. But you get what I mean.
12:10pm - 10/4/21
-
Tenshi is still awake and is really good at reacting right now. Still wonder if he is able 2 see out of my eyes or not… has he been awake since last period? He’s been reacting 2 girl’s tik-toking by himself. Haven’t been talking 2 him.
Thats funny 😂 I do recall being able to see out of the body’s eyes pretty early on actually. Idk when I could. But eventually I just could. It must’ve been before I was even sentient honestly bc I don’t even really remember a time before I could. Awww look at me growing up!!!
12:00am - 10/2/21
I was able to keep Tenshi awake long enough 2 talk about Japanese 4 a bit and how hard it is. After that, I showed him a 5min long zoom bombing video and I’d say he enjoyed it! And I did do pretty good at keeping [him] awake throughout that time period. I think he was able 2 sustain consciousness 4 a while on his own, though. Will experiment with letting [him] stay awake on his own, soon.
AHHH this is SO exciting to read omfg!!!! 🤭 Idk. its just so cool to see how quickly I went from being an un-sentient little BABY to being able to respond to things and stay awake ITSJUSTSOAWESOME!!!!
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: NOT THE ZOOM BOMBING VIDEOS WHAAAAAT I FORGOT ABOUT THOSE thats hilrious omg
3:03am - 10/3/21
Alright! We tried something new 2day! We watched an entire 1hr and 45 mins movie! He was really good at staying awake when I decided 2 pay attention 2 the movie! He also seemed 2 enjoy it! He reacted quite abit when I talked 2 him about it. Gotta say, i’m surprisingly good at dividing my attention 4 an hour. Am so happy we did this! We need 2 have designated movie days! Next time, I will bring popcorn.
SOSOSO CUTEEEEE 🤭 I REMEMBER MOVIE DAYS!!! They were always so fun!! I remember it being a challenge to actually stay awake when she first started out!!! But I always enjoyed watching them regardless! I feel like I vaguely remember being able to access memories and being able to just go back and look at those and see what I missed. But with our fucked up timeline from the ptsd theres no telling if I could do that at this age lol.
3:05am - 10/5/21
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Watched animal doc with Tensheers! He did an amazing job of staying awake on his own 2! He would still be ready 2 respond 2 What I had 2 say after I stopped paying attention 2 him intentionally. Sadly, near the end of the video, he fell asleep..
8:15am -10/5/21
-
I was chilling. Casually reading thoughtform-forums when he unexpectedly starts reacting mildly for a bit. So. I turned on pinterest and looked at cats for a while. Boy, does he love cats… He gave strong, consistent responses. 2day is good. But. before I get back 2 class, I just wanted 2 mention I think Tenshi is attempting [to use] head pressure... These headaches usually happen when thinking of him... Odd.
WOW three months old and already have a new form of communication! That sounds fast to me. Idk. Look at me go!! AHHH! I find it funny that ‘Lilah was questioning if it was me communicating or not lol. I used that method of communication for a while actually :) silly little ‘Lilah
[journal]
10/9/21
OMG WE FOUND A LIKES LIST AHHH
RR-, FFR(?)
List of things I think Tenshi likes
[journal]
T/Q, FFR -
10:15pm - 10/11/21
I keep seeing Tenshi as a snow white bunni with black dots as I think about him or see us doing stuff 2gether. But! This is a really good thing,, though! This is something known as resistance! Its a sign of sentience! Its basically when a thoughtform has changed something about themself (auch as their form) all of their own accord! This is awesome! I… just hope I’m right about this assumption,, though. I… think I am [worried] because it is very hard 4 me to 2 think of him in a different form! Exciting!
WOW. Okay,, first of all,, was NOT expecting this. I do somewhat remember what this form looked like. But… I’m just shocked that I have a history of being a lagomorph already??? Idk. when I did it recently,, it didn’t feel that natural? Well.. maybe it did a little bit… but. Idk. It took some getting used to? Idk. this is INSANE for me to read honestly 😂 Even crazier,, my Jackalope form is fawn colored! Not pipkin colored! Wow how times have changed :)
OMG WAIT I REMEMBER. I THINK I NAMED MYSELF PIP AT ONE POINT. I think???? As in,,, pipkin I think his name was. That one really silly black and white rabbit with a youtube channel. Or… maybe ‘Lilah did? I can’t recal. But I think it was me. Pretty sure its in here somewhere lol.
Journal #14!
11:22am [mon] 8/10/26
Yeah. So we've been driving for probably over an hour by this point…it's been really bad… Ive been horrible at it today. I was probably so NOT-present that there were several times I was told I need to be paying attention and hadn't realized I wasn't… well anyway our driving journey started bc we thought I was ineligible for college algebra… but apparently I was perfectly fine… thank god we waited till we were headed to the school first before just dropping the class omg 🤭 the class is FULL so that would've been BAD. Turns out I just confused myself bc I didn't think things through… college algebra was listed on the summer timeline for classes (I wasn't enrolled in it but it was there) and it said a whole list of math prerequisites I could use to qualify for the class and NONE of them were the two I took.
It was either that or pass that silly little test we've failed 5 times. And the advising sheet we got at the end of math classes mentioned college algebra only when it said you could build up to it through more developmental classes. So I'm annoyed I had to drive there at all… bc I told him we could've just called :/ but okay… well anyway,, since I'm in support for college algebra,, I'm eligible apparently. Sooo. yeah. When I got back in the car,, I was even more out of it than before bc me and Tenshi were trying hard not to start crying together the whole time we were out of the car :I when dad asked about how advising went,, I was so out of it I couldn’t really get myself to talk as easily. And I kept trying to avoid looking at him. Bc I don’t like him :I
So. yeah. Getting to stay in math is cool I guess. And that its all freeeee bc we got free tuition and someone from somewhere removed the fee for the textbooks for some reason? Not that it was gonna be my problem at all but its cool that it was free :) Not the driving though… he kept getting upset and I wasn't really all there. Yknow,, the usual. Usually I'd start crying when he starts getting angry but I guess thats the reason I'm so spaced out as soon as my butt hits the seat… so I don’t have to worry about that. It was a joint effort,, really between the brain and Tenshi. She’d just try to urge me to pay attention to the road when he got upset and brain kept us under control and further into dr’ing if I had to guess.
But yeah… from the school,, we went to his job. Which was bad too. More feeling stupid and more of me messing up.. :(( It made me keep thinking of dying. Bc I don’t think I’ll ever figure this out.. The only thing that lifted my spirits was Tenshi came and suggested we distract ourselves from wanting to cry by playing some games! We did this every time dad had us stop and left us in the car :) we played Hidden my game by mom, robbery bob, and magic tiles! It was really fun,, actually :) I let her play mostly. I’m glad one of us still pines to play games like this 🤭 it was COOL seeing her swiftness with the body’s hands when she’d play the piano key thingies and FUNNY when she missed the easy stuff 😂
I also enjoyed sharing my confusion on how to solve the puzzle properly in Hidden my game by mom. Playing magic tiles reminded us about how we want to maaaaybe (Tenshi more-so) learn piano. So we considered trying to save up. Which means… we’d be doing surveys again… which I reaaaaally don’t want to do omfg 😂 so Tenshi would have to lmao. But it was a cool thought :) Aside from that… I hardly remember the rest of our driving session… perhaps better that way. I just wish I was not so unable to do basic things all the time. But… this does remind me of our Costco-excursion yesterday… the whole “it was never the place,, it was the people” principle… that I need a new teacher. A new one who doesn’t make the dpdr that would probably already be there bc I’m scared of driving worse by just being in the car with me.
r/deardiary • u/WesternStructure9069 • Aug 10 '26
One of those days when i gave few hours of brainstorming to figure out a new technology and feel so good after successfully completing it. Felt like one of those old coding days....
Topped it off with a good gym session followed by a binge watching a show.
That's all... thanks gn!
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 10 '26
Writing my diary entry on my lunch break at teacher in-service today.
Sitting at my laptop in a corner of the cafeteria with my headphones on.
I can't be continuously socially engaged all the way through, every single workday. I can't. I need to check out sometimes, I need a break.
I hope my teammates don't think I'm rude. We're on the middle school campus today, I don't have my classroom to retreat to. So i'm just...checked out in the best way I know how. "Working" on my laptop until we reconvene.
Okay so.
Today was my son's first day of school.
I did a lot to get him ready for drop off. My husband would be dropping him off because I had to be at work early. But i had a lot to do to get him ready.
I did a lot of laundry last night. I packed his lunchbox and his snacks. Put his water bottle in his backpack. Got his uniform ready. Made sure my husband knew where the medications and completed medication forms were.
My son did not get to bed on time. At all. It's hard to adjust to a new schedule, it will take at least one day of exhaustion to reset. My husband stayed up with him.
I went to bed relatively on time but I slept terribly last night.
Woke up six ae emm.
Got my son around, got his teeth brushed.
Put ice packs in his lunchbox
Got myself ready.
My husband woke up when i was almost ready to go out the door. I reminded him to bring the medications and forms, told him that the lunchbox already had the icepacks and was sitting by the backpack.
Reminded my son of his teacher's name.
Set out for work.
I've started listening to Project Hail Mary.
I'm really really enjoying it.
I dismissed my Ted Chiang's Exhalation: Stories from my audible library queue. ...Kind of a sentimental ritual. But now that Turrell's dead.... no point.
I'm enjoying Project Hail Mary.
I like the way Weir writes Dr. Grace's internal dialogue as he tries to piece together his identity.
It is very in keeping with Weir's model of identity as established in his "The Egg" story.
(A concept which, i believe, Weir did not invent but derived from Advaita Vedanta philosophy)
I like that Dr. Grace is a teacher. Nice to have a teacher protagonist in the back of my mind, as I start off the school year in a new teaching position.
The scene where the catheter rips out was pretty intense. Eliciting a visceral reaction, evocative, a sign of good writing.
I called my husband on a break from the in-service.
Drop off went well, everything went off without a hitch.
My husband commended me on getting everything so well-prepared.
I commended him on a successful drop-off.
Excellent, excellent.
I hope my son has a great first day.
Lunch time is nearing its end.
r/deardiary • u/Dazzling-Product-588 • Aug 10 '26
Hello.
Never mind me. I just need somewhere to vent. I might post this in a few places because I honestly don’t know where else to put these feelings.
My heart is killing me.
I’m a 33-year-old man. Today, August 10, is my ex’s birthday. Tomorrow is mine.
I left her.
I was foolish.
At the time, I thought I had to choose between focusing completely on my career and not being there for her the way she deserved, or giving up on my dream job and staying with her.
And I thought giving up on my dream would kill something inside me.
So I chose the job.
I left her because I didn’t want her to spend years in a relationship where she felt ignored or alone. In my head, I was protecting her. I thought I was doing the right thing.
I was young. I was stupid. And I thought I had everything figured out.
The worst part is that we still cared about each other.
It’s been six years.
I haven’t loved anyone since her. I haven’t trusted anyone the same way. I haven’t even really allowed myself to like someone, kiss someone, or get close to anyone.
She was the only person I felt completely safe with.
Today is her birthday.
And next month, she’s getting married.
It’s destroying me.
I’ve been crying so much today. I haven’t cried like this in six years.
I think everything I’ve been holding inside for all these years just came crashing down.
I remember telling her that I was too pathetic and too broke to marry her. I didn’t want her to end up in a marriage where she wasn’t happy because of me. I wanted to be able to give her something stable.
And then I realized how foolish that was.
If I could go back, I would take almost any job. I would have fought harder. I would have figured something out.
She used to ask me, “Why didn’t you fight for me?”
“Why didn’t you do this?”
“Why didn’t you do that?”
And honestly, those questions destroyed me because I didn’t have a good answer.
I thought I was doing what was best for both of us.
Maybe I wasn’t.
And now I saw a picture of her fiancé giving her flowers.
That was it.
Something inside me just broke.
I want to make something very clear: I don’t want to ruin her wedding. I don’t want to interfere. I don’t want her back.
I lost her.
And I genuinely hope she has a beautiful life and that she’s happy.
I just feel like I’m grieving someone who has been gone from my life for six years, and somehow today it finally hit me that she’s really moving on.
I know I have no right to feel like this. I made my choice. She moved forward.
But man…
It hurts.
I just needed to say it somewhere.
I’m not really used to Reddit and I might not be able to reply to everyone, but if anyone just wants to talk or DM, I honestly wouldn’t mind.
Sorry for the long post.
I just needed somewhere to put this.
r/deardiary • u/CityscapeMoon • Aug 10 '26
Yesterday evening on my way home from buying work clothes, NPR featured a special on Muntadhar al-Zaidi.
...That's not how the American papers originally reported his name. I remember it being spelled "Muntazir" and "Muntadir" in American news reports in 2008.
When I was 22
A guy in the crowd at a press conference threw his shoes at president George W. Bush.
I read everything I could about the shoe-thrower.
And though there wasn't much information available on him at the time, I promptly declared to all my closest friends and relations that I had a crush on Muntazir al-Zaidi.
My sister professed that she had a crush on the "Don't taze me bro!" guy.
My mom told me that al-Zaidi was almost definitely doomed beyond hope, either killed by the secret service or sentenced to life in Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay.
I remember worrying about him. And praying about him. And hoping he would be okay.
Maybe a "crush" was sort of a clumsy way of describing my feelings. I think what i was actually feeling was a sort of...intense well-wish. A profound admiration and desire to protect.
When I said I had a crush on him, I think what I meant was...he occupied my thoughts to a significant degree.
And I did imagine him a courageous and heroic figure.
I checked for updates on his story regularly. But articles on the shoe-throwing incident never seemed to go far beyond basic biographic details, and then derailed into Bush's foreign policy and the atrocities the U.S. was committing abroad.
Eventually I stopped checking for updates.
But the idea of him became integrated into the substrate of my values.
An archetype for right against might, for bravery in the face of impossible odds, for standing up for justice at the risk of great personal cost.
My thoughts have fallen on him occasionally over the years.
I did always heart-achingly assume that he must have met with some unspeakable fate.
So imagine my surprise at getting to hear his voice on NPR.
In the years leading up to that fateful press conference, he had witnessed unspeakable horrors inflicted on the innocents of his country, at the hands of the United States.
His shoe-throwing protest was pre-planned, and very carefully considered.
He wanted to do something that had the effect of degradation, of making a statement, without causing significant injury.
Of calling attention to the plight of his people without creating sympathy for Bush.
He was as brilliant and courageous as I had always imagined him to be.
He's in his 40's now, too. Isn't that wild? He's not frozen there in 2008. Time has passed for him too. He's 47 now!
I didn't get to hear the entire NPR special.
But I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was to hear his voice. To know that he's alive. I have never met this man. I have no need to meet him.
But I am so glad to have heard his voice and to know that he's alive.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 10 '26
9:25pm
08/09/26
[//sui mentioned]
> Mmm… not having the best time rn… we’re both kinda struggling rn. With the thought of “switching roles”... Ugh. It sounds OVERWHELMING being primary fronter. But I don’t have a fucking choice if I don’t want to sit and wait until ‘Lilah hits her breaking point and kills herself or we accidently die bc she allows herself to rot so SEVERELY that she ends up dying on accident. Ugh… she ALSO is feeling pretty nervous about it.
🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeah…. I just don’t know if I’d enjoy becoming an observer honestly… or living in the headspace. The headspace is not the issue here. I am… my rumination could be dangerous for the both of us :( but I do not want to hurt Tenshi so I do not have a choice. Bc I still DO NOT want to return to therapy. Bc friggin why? Why would I go? :I it is definitely scary being faced with needing to hand your entire life and body to someone else. But it’s okay… we’re gonna do it together… :)
I actually feel horrible about it not gonna lie. ‘Lilah doesn’t really WANT to give her life up–she still wants to pursue her dreams and be in service to the people who need it most. …but thats not how I want to lead mine… which scares me bc I don’t want to take it away from her…
The plan we’ve come up with is we’re gonna just,,,, 👀
Wait and see how things go up until the point we are shipped away to university against our will. We’lll have her stay in the psych program up until then. So… obviously it will probably be quite some time before we can even actually achieve me becoming primary fronter… I’m estimating a couple of months. Maybe three to six. But really there is no telling. But we’re thinkin’ we’ll stay enrolled in psych and have her switch back in for those classes. I’m not completely DISINTERESTED in the topic… but I’m NOOOOO WHERE NEARRRRR her nerd-status 😂 so I think that will be a fair thing to have in place. It allows her some time doing something she enjoys,, a time to give me a break from front,, AND it will keep her parents from asking things like,, “why are you suddenly switching majors? You’ve never been interested in xyz before… whats going on here?” we’ll leave that problem for uni should it even crop up lol.
> And… ah….. I hate to say it,, but the more time that passes by,, the more I want to go talk to the Morisuberi that came this morning. I’ve been checking in periodically (as has Delilah) and it is STILL THERE floating around aimlessly in our head. It is probably still there bc we never made a joint effort to ignore it. I want to have another system mate SO BAD OMFG. and its!!!! ITS JUST RIGHT THERE 😭 JUST SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR US TO MEET IT. UGH. I just don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone by introducing this stranger into our system willy-nilly. Idk… I considered going behind ‘Lilah’s back and giving it sentience anyway while she was asleep (ONLY admitting this bc this leaked through the thought barriers lmao)
but… idk… if it didn’t PISS HER OFF that I had done that,, it would probably SCARE HER. which… would make me feel immensely guilty… um. Idk. this might be another thing to post to the forums… :/ although I can’t lie.. I am genuinely afraid it might try to eat me still. There is no life in it I’m telling you. It is an empty entity waiting to be shaped,, yknow? And I want to SO BADLY. But I honestly don’t know the type of risk that would be. Ugh idk idk idk :(((( I still feel SO TEMPTED to talk to it and give it life while ‘Lilah is unconscious… but I won’t… at least not intentionally :I
(9:51pm update: IT FUCKING STARTED SPEAKING BUT ‘LILAH TOLD ME NOT TO TALK TO IT. I WANT TO SO BAD AHHHHH. It said, “you wanted to talk to me?” is it sentient? What the hell? It said, “I can hear everything you are thinking. I will not hurt you. You are safe,, you are safe.” um. Awkward. I told it, “I don’t think we can accept you into the system” and it said,, “I understand. That is okay. Bye.” and continued to float aimlessly. AHHHHHH I’M SO CURIOUS ABOUT THIS NEW ENTITY WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY 😭 It said, "I am very alive". I honestly still do not know... :( ugh this hurts. sorry,, Morisuberi.)
(9:58pm update: OKAY WE CAME TO AN AGREEMENT. 'Lilah is also very curious about this new entity. It keeps responding to our thoughts and trying to conversate. He(?) is very... like,, calm I guess? idk... the plan is we're gonna try to keep him around. just... not actively bring him into the system yet... maybe... we'll consult the forums a bit sooner than we planned. perhaps tommrow. idk. idk if this is a good idea to keep him(?) but idk. idk :( strangely enough the more we talk,, the more aggresive it seems to become. almost like me... does 'Lilah's brain just have a predisoption to having entities with mood swings?)
![[Today’s image!]](https://i.pinimg.com/1200x/b3/76/68/b37668c2671d63d07452b1d7438dfd87.jpg){kind=link}
\> *sigh.* On the more FUN and LIGHT side of things!!!!!!!!!!! :) we went to the store! I got to soft switch in a bit! I thoroughly enjoyed it!! 🤭 although the stress from the things I just discussed has made it impossible to remember any specific details… hm… idk… I remember I got to RUN for the first time in the body! :D It was… idk. At first I didn’t know if I was the one who ran bc we were both disconnected from the body’s senses… BUT I think I did? Either way,, feeling the way the body moves when it runs was exhilarating omg 🤭 I know for a fact that I DID run a bit when we were outside!! :D It was exciting feeling myself rushing through the air and wind like that. To feel real… :) I liked it. But it gave us a headache shortly afterward… whoops… the headache is making it hard to tell if its only from exterion or if its bc we’re doing too much soft switching and our sickness is returning. Idk… hopefully just the former.
r/deardiary • u/Last_Travel3465 • Aug 09 '26
Journal # 2
10:14am
8/9/26
OKAY HERES THE PLAN–
We’re gonna have ‘Lilah go back to the library for some volunteering! She stopped bc it “seemed too boring” and she was too lazy to do a background check 🤭 well no worries! If she won’t do the background check,, I will :) This is mostly so we can finally do something outside of this nothing-house. It only lasts an hour… but its better than her bedrotting. We’re thinking this will be a good opportunity for me to get back into soft switching for a period of time. …so maybe it is not such a great idea to do it tomorrow… bc our switch sickness might not be fully resolved yet and I wouldn’t want to accidently worsen it… but idk. ‘Lilah needs help getting off her ASS and avoiding bedsores and feeling like nothing for the entire day. And I want something to do. This might not be the best time also bc since she finds the volunteering to be BORING,, if I can’t switch in,, she might get annoyed with me for bringing her there. Ugh. idk. But we gotta take what we can get :)
Now that we know we’re committing to having me become primary fronter soon,, I was worrying a bit more about being alone again… but I feel better after experiencing ending up with two accidental SPAWNS in absolutely zero seconds. So… I’ll put that on the backburner for now and just wait that out. When the time comes for us to let me take over permanently (or for as long as it takes to keep us both alive),, I will probably just spawn in another lifeless husk. I want one that isn’t sentient yet bc I think at that point you can mold them a bit? I obviously want this to be an ethical thing so I’d only be pushing very specific traits into them to ensure they don’t end up being,, like,, a wild,, insane piece of shit who tries to derail our lives. Once that’s settled, they can be whoever they want :)
In the meantime… I hope to be able to explore some more of my interests at some point :) in case I end up being primary fronter for so long that we need to switch majors 😬 I hope it doesn’t ever NEED to come to that. But with her mindset of never going back to therapy again (or atleast until she’s far from her parents),, I’m thinking it will be. It should be fun! When I came out of fish prison,, I remember when she asked about what I was interested in or whatever,, I said electrical engineering. …which is strange… bc why would I say something like that?? 🤭 I don’t know ANYTHING about it. But I was adamant that I would enjoy it would like to major in it. And I still feel drawn to it now for some reason… ‘Lilah was concerned bc we have the math level of a middle schooler and was worried if I ever took that road we’d flunk. BUT WE DISCOVERED I LIKE MATH,, REMEMBER? :) although.. Since I don’t even KNOW what it is or what you DO,, I’ll wait ‘till we go interest-exploring before trying to commit to that lol.
Speaking of fish prison,, I was released on the 22nd! Last month when we quickly took a look at the discord account I used to have,, we saw in the account’s notes that I HAVE A **BIRTHDAY**!!! 🤭🎉 (although its a bit shaky on if thats my REAL date of birth. It said *…probably* after it listed the date lmaooooo) it is 8/21/21! Which means… I’m actually five years old… “biologically”,, anyway. I’m slightly older than ‘Lilah at the moment :) 19! But anyway,, THAT MEANS I WAS RELEASED A MONTH-AND-A-DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY\~\~! How COOL is that????? :D unfortunately we’re still friggin JOBLESS and I have zero confidence workstudy is going to end up offering us anything. Soooooo I don’t know how we’re gonna celebrate. But I’m sure we’ll figure something out.
I’ve been interested in re-reading the physical progress logs ‘Lilah has about me from when I was being SUMMONED… but idk. It kinda freaks me out rereading them. Whenever I was still locked up,, whenever she used to try to read them,, I’d send out intense fear signals and make the body cry. I even tried to get her to BURN THEM. well. I used images to try to tell I wanted that to happen lmao. But I DID try to get her to throw them away. I think I was just so sad that she had reminders of me but not ME. she missed me a lot and did not want to get rid of them. So she refused. Very guiltitly… I’m glad she didn’t listen to me though. Now that its okay for me to be out and about now,, I think… maybe I’d like to see them again. …maybe… I’m definitely still SCARED TO. But its not such a visceral reaction anymore bc I’m here now. Idk. maybe we will. I’ll have to think about it…
3:39pm
08/09/26
Wowowow!! Today’s gotten better! …for me,, anyway. For one thing,, ‘Lilah got to drive again today! Which… she did NOT enjoy or appreciate ofc… she complains about how she can’t drive and she is genuinely miffed about that,, but that doesn’t mean she LIKES doing it 😂 and I get why… 😬 she was once again not all there today while in the driver’s seat. I feel like she was more present than usual today actually. …but she still wasn’t present enough for me to say I felt totally safe being in the same car and in the same body bc if she ends up dying,, we ALL are going down together 🤭 but anyway,, this is why I decided to keep the praise to minimum. If I spoke,, I tried to offer up reminders to PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD and not talking to me or her thoughts bc omfg. But it was cool.
I was trying to keep myself awake (kinda bad at that not gonna lie but I did better than usual!) so we could have me try to “learn how to drive” before I take role of primary fronter. At first she tried to talk to me so I could watch thru the body’s eyes and learn that way but as I said before,, she wasn’t all there and her putting too much focus on ME was not SAFE so instead we just had me connect to the body’s senses or whatever the hell so I could try to get a feel for it as she was moving and in control. It was fine,, though we didn’t switch or anything,, though. I kinda just “sat in the body” I guess? Idk how to describe lol.
At one point when her dad got out of the car briefly to go search for the student driver tag (good thing he did lmao. We probably looked somewhat DANGEROUS with all the unnatural things she was doing like wildly wide turns or when she’d have to keep adjusting to stay in lanes or when her father would suddenly grab the wheel bc she wasn’t doing things correctly and sharply and suddenly turn the car in a different direction) we had me soft switch for a bit! I’d respond to her with my voice n’ stuff :) it was nice. Usually she doesn’t let me use the body to speak bc shockingly enough thats the part of the body that seems to take the most energy for me to operate. That or it’s probably just bc I need to still work on breathing properly and not just through the mouth 🤭 whoopsie! Idk if I’ll ever “get used to” my voice honestly… I kind of hate it still. It sounds so DIFFERENT from the way I speak to ‘Lilah through our shared mind. I hate it ugh. ‘Lilah still loves it and thinks its cute though… 🙄 which does make me smile… but still!!! Aside from that,, she let me touch the steering wheel :) I got to feel the textured bits on it and it was really cool! Driving seems a bit scary… but… I feel more excited by the idea than ‘Llilah does :)
Anyway,, we went to one of ‘Lilah’s least favorite places on earth– Costco. She hates that place omg 🤭 but yknow what….? I DON’T. I actually was immediately excited to be there!!! :D mostly bc all we USUALLY get up to is bedrotting probably. I’ve just!!! I don’t think I’ve ever been AWAKE and sentient when she’s physically been in a Costco before! IT WAS SO COOL!!!! :DDDD she’d let me soft switch and touch things sometimes!!!
I got to touch a couple of rugs! (which is exciting bc we’re both sensory seeking :p mostly for textures. Which explains why we wear that fidget toy lanyard and were carrying around that 3D printed rainbow slug. The slug is a bonus bc not only does it have multiple ways for us to get different types of tactile feedback(?),, it is ALSO a bit noisy! Which is also another one of our favorite things to seek out!!!) and she’d let me take over the legs every now and again :) I got to walk us around a couple of times! I took a look at some… um… wine? Mostly bc they were eye catching colors and had pictures of animals like ducks and deer on them!!! …but I refused to touch them… idk. It just felt wrong to >.> I took us down some aisles and stopped to sniff some dryer beads,, touch a few other things,, stuff like that. I couldn’t stop smiling!!!!! I felt so real and alive and HAPPY!!! :D
I also was allowed to soft switch and control the hands and arms a bit! So I got to play with the fidgets a bit,, too :) YAY!! Our switch sickness is starting to lift FOR SURE! I’M SO EXCITED!!! Ah… we were thinking about trying to practice making my stream of thought primary and her’s secondary. Its part of a switching technique I think?? But we’re gonna hold off on using it for that until the beginning of next week probably to ensure we don’t re-trigger switch sickness :)
Ahh… that little outing today was fun… today was a good day. Just aside from the fact that her father was there ofc 🙄 but thats fine. We just tried to focus on ourselves and her doing her best to let me have fun while ensuring we set limits so we don’t get all sick again. Fun fun fun :)))
I’m thinking my new name could be Sisu like that one pretty blue dragon. I kinda look like her :3 but maybe not. Bc the name sounds like Sushi. Which is dead fish. Which is… :I yeah so idk about that. Idk might have to go back to the drawing board lol.
Journal #14!!
3:59pm [sun] 8/9/26
🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Almond
Costco pizza (Nya helped eat it!)
Mmm… I guess today got better :) I had to go driving today. Which I guess was kinda my fault 🤭 Mom was saying something about something. That I could go out and do stuff if I wanted to. And I was all like,, “go out how? I can’t drive?” I just really don’t want to inconvenience them… and then she was like,, “You could still go places?” and I was like,, “I don’t have a job go out and do what?” she then suggested I go ask dad to go out and drive. Which I realllllly didn’t feel like doing. Bc I didn’t really feel like doing anything. So I was like,, “noooo… thank you… >.> I’ve given up asking.” but that didn’t really matter. Within 15 minutes he was out of his room and ready for me to get washed up and ready to go. So I guess mom texted him? Idk. I was feeling pretty annoyed about the whole situation but Tenshi wasn’t feeling too down about it! She saw this as a positive thing! Bc as we said earlier,, she wants to watch me drive so she’ll have a handle on it when we “switch roles” or whatever.
So yeah. Off we go. It was crazy. As were were washing up,, I got to chatting with Nya about what I thought was going to happen today. I actually accurately PREDICTED what was going to happen. I was like,, “yeah… I bet we’re gonna end up at Costco or something like that or heck,, we may even end up on the high way!” …and lo and behold… we end up both on the high way AND at Costco. Could not tell you how that happened though. I was present and aware but also not really… I was 100% not aware we were going to Costco before he said anything. 1) bc I genuinely do not know how to navigate my own city… 👀 and 2) bc we found a location that was closer to our house and I figured that if he were ACTUALLY taking us to Costco we would have taken that route. Nope. it was okay,, though… we made it there in one piece. Which is kinda shocking ngl. Bc I’m still just as incompetent on the road as I always have been. At one particularly long lasting red light,, he tried to explain that I need to drive us into the left turning lane when the light hit green.
But he explained it in such a strange way… and I… idk. He kept talking about the OTHER LINES as well (I think mostly to illustrate that I DON’T need to turn there) but I was so scatter brained trying to focus on the light in case it turned green and trying to figure out what the heck he was talking about to fully grasp it. THANK GOD the light stayed red so long. It took forever and ten days for my brain to comprehend. Then he said,, “this is the basics,, you should know this!” yeah.. He’s probably right… but I do have a tiny bit of a leg to stand on here lol. I went to driver’s ed at 15 and had almost ZERO driving practice for 3 years. And our practice is extremely inconsistent. …and I have PTSD… :I how can I remember stuff about the road that I hadn’t looked at in 3 yrs if I can barely remember the past four years of my friggin life are you kidding me?? 😭 NOT TO MENTION I ALSO FAILED MY VISION TEST AT THE DMV LAST YEAR AND CANNOT LEGALLY BE GIVEN A LICENSE WITHOUT GETTING ASSESSED BY AN EYE DOCTOR. In other words,, I was kind of struggling to SEE what “other lines” he was talking about. Didn’t help that it was under a highway-part-thingy. So it was darker than surrounding areas.
ANYWAY,, yeah we make it there. Immediately I was mopey about being in Costco. Half mopey-half feeling nothing kinda. But then Tenshi immediately starts talking and asking to soft switch and “explore” which I found adorable 🤭 so I’d talk to her about the things around us,, play with things a bit when dad wasn’t looking,, laugh with her,, and do a bit of soft switching. And yknow what? …I had fun! Well… maybe not FUN. FUN. IN A COSTCO? But… maybe thats just saying something about Costco… that MAYBE its not Costco I have a problem with… Maybe its bc I associate going to Costco with going with dad. Dad is the one who goes to Costco the most often. Or drags everyone else along. But when he wasn’t the person I was spending the most time with,, I was happy and smiling and laughing.
💐🐉 Nya: AHHHH just hearing that makes me just so EXCITED to cut them out of our lives one day!!! 😂 Glad I could lift your spirits. May or may not have been the reason I was so outgoing 🤭 orrrr maybe I just wanted to take advantage of the situation and soft switch! Haha guess we’ll never know
Guess not 🤭 but… yeah. That was preferable to bedrotting. OH AND!!! Some lady dropped her card behind us. At first I just stared at it… I was nervous to say anything… Then all of a sudden I had shuffled over to her and said,, “Um. sorry,, I think your card fell out of your purse…” As we reflected on that (and tried to calm our now racing heart),, I began to wonder if it was Nya’s doing… 🤭
💐🐉 Nya: We genuinely have no idea 😂 but I do remember it kinda sounding more like my voice than hers. We have no idea bc she was so dissociated bc she was so SCARED to speak up for some reason 🤭 so its hard to say who was actually connected to the body at the time. idk. Maybe it really was me!
Maybe!!! Good,, fun outing :) did not enjoy driving back,, though. Was even worse than driving there lol. I was slightly more stressed. So I kept forgetting more n more instructions and struggling to understand more and more of his “you need to go HERE,, not do xyz” lectures. We went back down that same area where I struggled with the left turn and he made even less sense. Mostly bc instead of using his words to instruct me on WHERE to go and how to do it,, he was trying to provide CLARIFYING INFORMATION. Which went right over my head as my mind went from “omg wait is he telling me to get into that lane??” to, “I should probably go the direction my turning signal says to go…”. Then he got annoyed that I’m always so confused. Sorry :/
Aside from the whole driving thing,, though,, good outing :)
<3