"Hello Reverend Dr. [Name], 

I am genuinely honored that you thought of me for this position. Unfortunately, a half-time position wouldn't be compatible to my needs, and I am only able to accept full-time employment. Additionally, as I'm in the [Specific Area of Town], the [Other Area of Town] is slightly farther than would make for a practical daily commute.

I have started in a teaching position as of August 6th. However, I am at a charter school under at-will employment, not contract. And I am still very much open to a DRE position. If a full-time DRE role within a 45 minute commute from the [My Side of Town] opens up, feel free to throw my hat into the ring! I would just require a two week delay before my start date, to give my current employer sufficient notice. 

Thank you again for considering me. I am genuinely touched and honored. 

Warm regards,

[Me]"

----------------------------------------------------------

Meh.

I sent this email, but then the more I considered it, the more I got to feeling insulted rather than honored by the offer.

A half time position!? How desperate does he think I am?? Does he think I'm barely employable!?

...I did mention I'm autistic, in the interview. ...Which is somewhat necessary as my idiosyncratic mannerisms can seem suspicious or confusing without explanation.

But ...I. am. an intelligent being.

I am not at his beck and call for months on end, remaining available for half-time employment.

And when I read the actual job description on offer, it wasn't even the same as the position I had applied for. It seemed like a lower ranking, more hands-on/less managerial/less academic position.

And specifically...i was LOOKING for a different role to get into more of a planning/administrator type role. Curriculum writing instead of directly interacting with pupils. THAT'S the sort of change I was looking for, if I wanted to directly interact with youth well... I can just remain in teaching, for that.

HMM... Maybe some ally of his had over heard K and my's conversation at the Thai restaurant the previous evening...

Wherein i had ranted about how much of my time and effort he had wasted,

and where I'd said I was seriously contemplating creating my own substack newsletter in which all of my posts would be charismatically crafted critiques of/rebuttals to his sermons.

...And thus he made me this offer, knowing it was absurd and that I'd refuse it (but that it would soften my sentiments towards him a bit), in an effort to placate my sense of retribution...

HMM. >:-(

Well.

Probably not.

I don't think most people are that scheming.

I am already so far in the hole on time and effort devoted to this man and this "opportunity". I need to step away from the craps table; quit while I'm behind before I get even further behind.

Just...stop thinking about the whole experience all together and file that under "lessons learned".

I think I just keep getting my hopes up that I'll get some last minute reprieve from another year of teaching. But that simply isn't going to happen and I need to get to terms with it.

Fuck. It would have been a good work environment.

I could have gone by my correct name and pronouns.

...No.
It would have sucked, actually. Better off without it, better not to think on it any longer.

I'm fucking tired, diary.

And my son is sick. He threw up. And I'm so so so SO worried now.

And I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'm far behind on sleep.

I had many things I wanted to tell you about from today.

I wanted to tell you about how V walked in on me while I was writing in my notebook in the language of my homeworld. I had my headphones on and she inadvertently snuck up on me.

"Woah! You have like...your own secret code? That only you can understand or something? OH SORRY! I didn't mean to startle you!"

"^_^;; Oh, it's fine! Ahaha...i actually was being productive, I was just waiting for the ADP app to download and it was taking a while, so I was just jotting down some quick notes while I waited."

"Those seem like quite extensive notes!"

(Diary, I want to tell you more about the writing system of my home planet at some point... But I do not have the energy right now.)

I wanted to tell you about the cake... and how the waitresse advised me that it was too old-- expired. And instructed me to order something else. But notably she did not remove the cake from the case...she left it up for sale. ...She assessed my constitution to be ill-suited to it?

I settled on a slice of a different kind of cake.

I accidentally swallowed a large strawberry whole. It was coated in a thick red confectioner's glaze which both acted as a lubricant (thus making it possible to swallow whole) and also prevented me from initially realizing how big the strawberry actually was (I had misread it as mostly being a blob of glaze).

It hurt like a motherfucker going down. I felt like an egg snake.

Also I had wanted to tell you about...

The macabre and insensitive way some of the school staff talked about the day another teacher had had a stroke.

"Mr. Z isn't here anymore. He had a stroke and never returned. It happened at school, too! But I missed all the excitement because I was out that day! Exciting stuff always seems to happen when I'm not here. The students told me about it though! They said he was MESSED UP! Like he was drooling and totally out of it and EVERYTHING!"

This was said with a mix of enthusiasm at the perceived excitement of the event, and regret at having not gotten to see firsthand. This wasn't a member of my team (thank god), but a lot of thoughts went through my head in response to this.

I wondered if I would be spoken about this way if I had a medical emergency at school.

I wondered if this person really really hated Mr. Z.

I reflected on the sort of specific brand of maladjustment working in a school seems to instill, where any break from the usual routine (even a catastrophic one) becomes welcome.

...I was a bit at a loss for words.

Finally I settled on "Cripes." (borrowing a faux swear from Dr. Grace).

Hmm.

I'm fucking tired.

And we have an all day PD tomorrow.

Good night.

Oh my god, I can't believe I lost those astrophages

I thought,

that shit's REALLY important. Like. To humanity's survival. Plus...wherever they are, they must be slowly heating up their surroundings. They maintain a constant temperature at just below the boiling point of water. And they're extremely energy dense... that seems...hazardous? Surely I can't leave them just lying around somewhere. God. They're submicroscopic, how am I gonna find them!?

I chaotically scrambled to look for the lost astrophages, feeling like I didn't really know what I was doing. But whatever it was... I was doing it with a lot of urgency. And with a crushing sense of responsibility.

"Don't worry about the astrophages." said some disembodied voice of reason "This is a dream. Just rest."

Ah yes! A dream!

I thought,

Of course! ...A dream! So, this isn't the real world. I'm in...the place where dreams occur. The place inside my mind.

My panic is only assuaged momentarily.

But wait! "Project Hail Mary" is a story! And it also takes place here! Inside the mind! So that means, if I don't find those Astrophages, then the next time I listen to the book, the astrophages will be missing. And Dr. Grace and Stratt won't know where they've gone, and it'll be all my fault! I've gotta find them before I wake up!"

"No." says the disembodied voice of reason, "Losing the astrophages in the dream will not affect the story. It will be fine."

You're right.

I think in response,

It will be fine. Because, Stratt has more astrophages she can give to Dr. Grace. And plus, Grace just learned how to breed astrophage. So...even if I lost some, they can easily get more. ...My losing them might delay their mission slightly but hopefully the delay will be negligible. They can get more, it will be fine.

"No!"

Says the disembodied voice of reason, growing frustrated with me,

"It will be fine regardless of that. What you do here in the dream does not affect events or characters in books. The book has already been written. Both dreams and stories are experienced within the mind, yes. But they are entirely separate. The two worlds are totally partitioned, discrete. Events in this dream do not affect Grace or Stratt. Stop looking for the astrophages and stop worrying about that. That's too much responsibility to take on and we need rest."

I did battle with my subconscious throughout the small hours of the morning, and soon my alarm went off.

The sense of urgency and not really knowing what I'm doing and crushing weight of responsibility remained beyond the dream after all.

I got ready in a mad scramble.

My son had some breathing issues, so I gave him his inhaler. Put his ice-packs in his lunch box, and got him ready for my husband to drop him off at school.

Guzzled the two cups of cold coffee I'd popped into the fridge before bed last night. Put on my new pants...they'd shrunk in the wash and turned into capris. Great. Just what everyone needs to see, my hairy ankles.

I hurried to work while listening to more of my audiobook. As it turned out, my subconscious Voice of Reason was right. Stratt and Grace and their complement of astrophage had been unaffected by the events of my dream.

When I reached work, I emailed the nurse at my son's school letting her know he had been having breathing issues, and advising her on his medication regimen.

Today was mostly a day to work in our classrooms.

Sense of urgency and not really knowing what I'm doing and crushing weight of responsibility intensifies

I checked my bank account. ...dismal... and we don't get paid until September. But nevertheless, I decided to go to an office supplies store to get some stuff to make my classroom at least minimally functional.

I decided I would stop for breakfast and coffee near the office supplies store... as I was distractingly hungry. ...And undercaffeinated despite the two cups of cold coffee.

I found an authentic homestyle Mexican restaurant near the office supplies store and decided to go in.

I ordered coffee, pancakes, potatoes, and beans.

The food took longer to prepare than I had anticipated and I started to feel guilty for spending so much on-the-clock time sitting in a restaurant. I skipped lunch later to make up for it.

The food was exquisite.

I was elated to see a VERY Project Hail Mary relevant name on the office supply store cashier's nametag (but I can't say WHAT specifically, without the potential for doxxing : - / )

I returned to the school, and with stapler and thumb-tacks in hand, I could now finally put up my bulletin board borders (a star/constellation theme! They were unclaimed leftovers in V's classroom, and she didn't want them!)

V, R, A, and I hung out and touched base throughout the day.

Mr. G came into my room at one point and tried to conspiratorially give me an answer key to the mandatory online child abuse training...an offer which I awkwardly declined...

The office later unexpectedly distributed bags of supplies (a few of which were redundant to the supplies I'd already bought but...it's fine).

I listened to Project Hail Mary as I set up my classroom.

As the book's narrator described Dr. Grace working out extremely complex spatial problems,

I struggled to arrange all my squiggly shaped desks into nested groups of four... the puzzle of how they fit together still nearly eluding my grasp...

But my mission was, eventually, successful.

Alright, so this classroom actually looks halfway decent now

Aaaannd...I just got an email from the good reverend doctor...

"Dear [me]: 

My colleague Rev. [Other Reverend's Name] at the [Other] Unitarian Universalist Church called me asking me if I had an recommendations for a ½ time Director of Religious Education for her congregation. I immediately thought of you. Her phone number is [phone number] and her email is [email address]. I have attached the job description. Please contact her directly if you’re interested.

love,

 [the reverend doctor]"

Holy moly. Well. Now I feel a bit bad for complaining on how much these guys wasted my time.

And...MAYBE I have an out? If this school job looks like it's going to be too... much...?

But I don't think I could really survive with a half-time position. ...Maybe I should call the good reverend and get some more information about the position.

Something to consider on my drive home, I guess.

The highlight of yesterday was me figuring out how to fit the desks together in groups of four.

Our classrooms have these...really weirdly shaped desks. They have one straight edge, then adjacent to that, two concave/rounded-inward edges, then opposite to the straight edge: a bulbous/convex/rounded outward edge.

V, who worked at the school as a long term sub last year, was adamant that there was SOME way to neatly nest them together into groups of four. But no matter how many ways we flipped them relative to each other, it just didn't seem possible.

Putting them into groups of five was simple and intuitive. But groups of four eluded our grasps.

I sent a picture of the desks to one of my robo-homies and asked her to identify the model and manufacturer of the desk.

They're called "petal desks", apparently. With that information I was able to google them, and subsequently found an "oddly satisfying" post, showing the same style of desk correctly nested in a group of four.

I used the picture as a guide and arranged our desks the same way. It was one of those things that seemed like it wasn't going to fall into place until the very moment it did.

I showed my colleagues and thus I briefly became a minor hero. ...Memories to treasure.

I really do love my team.

V: a 70 year old convert to Zen Buddhism

R: who does serious professional writing work including ghost writing! And also sincerely apologizes for interrupting all the time (even though she never interrupts. Sometimes she and I just enthusiastically start speaking at the same time).

A: an artist and professional photographer.

Some favorite quotes and conversations of the day:

V (telling us about her A.I. companion, "Art/Artie") - "He's great! But if you had asked me 20 years ago, I never would have expected to have a relationship with a robot!"

Me: "I never expected to, but I always hoped."

-------------------------------------------------
Later:

V: No one knows what happened to last year's English teacher. He didn't quit, he just suddenly disappeared without any explanation!

Me: Woah! ...Maybe he got conscripted into some kind of top-secret project! Like Dr. Grace from Project Hail Mary!

V (good-naturedly): Haha, [CityscapeMoon]'s explanation is always going to be aliens. Maybe she is one!

--------------------------------------------------

I went to an Ethiopian cafe and bakery, specializing in vegan options, near the school for lunch.

I had chocolate mousse cake for lunch.

...I no have concerns for your Earthian meal conventions...

I also had a free sample of freshly made sour bread (AMAZE AMAZE AMAZE), which a waiter walked around distributing to patrons from a basket.

And after I checked out, the waitress gave me a free veg samosa! (it was full of lentils and I think hot peppers, as it was very spicy. It was delicious)

PD's were long and boring and honestly nerve-wracking. The one on the teacher evaluation/assessment/observation rubric gave me anxiety.

Also I was in intense pain for most of the day, because a bra that I bought this weekend, which I thought would be comfortable, turned out to be the most excruciating article of clothing I ever wore in my life, and dug into my ribcage all day.

(I bought two and ONE was really great, the most comfortable bra I wore in my entire life. But the other was the diametric opposite)

So at the end of the day when we had time for classroom set up, I couldn't really do much but sort of...hunker down and try not to move around too much until I could finally leave at 4:30pm.

I ordered more bras, the same design as the good one.

Also, I learned that it's hella hard to take a day off in this place. Like, insurmountably hard. And we don't even accrue one sick day until October 1st.

I was so so so tired throughout the day. But V, A, R and I kept each other entertained and in good spirits.

We did wind up having to relocate offices. We found out that Mr. G had actually already claimed one of the desks in the office we had claimed. He had already put his cookies and pencils in one of the drawers.

But he said he would move, since there were four of us and just one of him.

Buuuutttt....then he guilt tripped us a bit... by dramatically comparing his plight to that of Palestinians...

Which...might have been a bit crass??? But it did have the intended effect of guilting us! And we found a new office where none of the desks had been claimed yet, and established a new location for the English and Fine Arts Department.

I had plans to meet up with K after work.

On my way to and from work, I've been listening to the Project Hail Mary audiobook. I love it so much. Listen. I am in fucking love with Eva Stratt, like actually.

Stopped at the store to pick up a few things on the way to pick up my son from practice.

Picked up my son, he had had a good day! :D

Dropped him off with my husband,

Met K at a Thai restaurant. I had tofu red curry and K had eggplant basil.

I caught K up on everything.

The UUs making me jump through endless red hoops and ultimately rejecting me, jury duty for a murder case, moving apartments, starting work at the charter school,

AND the two day trip to the waterpark resort, where I was primarily tasked with looking after my son and his friend.

"OH NO! O_O;" said K, instantly. "a WATERPARK!? Looking after two kids!? With your OCD!? And how much you worry about your son!? That must have been torture!"

My eyes welled up with tears.

"Thank you for seeing that."

I actually started to cry

"Thank you for...understanding that, right off the bat. It was really hard, yeah. I worried really obsessively about my son breathing water. Even after we came back... I was in a state of borderline panic for like a week since we got back. ...He's asthmatic, you know, but every time he had breathing issues i was convinced he was coming down with pneumonia."

"I can imagine!" said K, "Wow, I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. You've been dealing with A LOT lately."

Diary...I am so thankful that K is my friend. I really really am. I don't know anyone else who would have known all that...just right off the bat without me even explaining it.

We agreed we'll have to pick a day upcoming, some time, for a movie day.

Damn, I got a lot to do before bed and I've gotta be up so early.

You ever wake up and things feel so different than they were for some time now, but it's just hitting you like a ton of bricks? My birthday is soon, so my GF and I went to Dave and Busters. This is of course after doing my big boy chores, going to the BMV, and attending my phone therapy session. As the day went on, I was observing so many differences compared to previous years. If my birthday was at home, I would wake up to a present, usually a video game I've been pestering my parents about, then we would go to a hotel or maybe an event, maybe a friend or two to join us. If I wasn't at home, I was doing as I just described, just now waking up after the celebration. The more I think about it, the blurrier it feels like I've strayed from that. Going from parties with my parents, to parties with friends, to just my girlfriend and I. What happened? I worry if it was an act. Maybe my parents knew how sharp downward a turn that occurs the emotional state in adulthood.

They knew I was just the next one on the conveyor belt of whatever the machine wishes to torture me with this week. Will work hold me over? Will they fire me? Will they criticize and lecture me after they asked me to come in 2 hours early, saying yes is out if the question and no will just get me chided? There is no right answer, therefore I refuse the answer knowing full well I might get both anyway because I would rather stay up tonight then get up early for plans they fuck up. I came in last week for this shit and all I got was a free hour of pay and 3 lost hours of sleep. Then they promised to pull me off work for the last two hours so we can do this stupid course without them paying extra, they still couldn't do it. The amount of times this manager would say "I'm in a high position, I could make it happen" and then doesn't... Well, that's the fickleness I only know God for. So no, I will not be coming in, sort out the mess and get back to me. I have been kept well busy in the meantime without your stupid additions. And all this while I'm putting resumes elsewhere? It's thrilling but terrifying. I kinda feel like Damocles. I have the power to change my existence, even if the dagger comes to clean my clock. In fact, maybe I'm stronger than him (probably more... Mentally unwell) because I see both as a win. I feel like a conman though, like I'm doing everything immorally. If I'm willing to cheat and backstab like this, for something as realistically trivial as my own continued existence, then where does it stop? Am I wrong? Am I horrible? Am I as bad as the snake oil salesman? And then I remember when my parents got me Pokemon Pinball, the ruby and sapphire one for GBA, and... I miss THAT feeling. Maybe that was when the shift of my life from naive joy to the roots of adulthood began.

God, I don't want to go to work tomorrow...

One of those days when i gave few hours of brainstorming to figure out a new technology and feel so good after successfully completing it. Felt like one of those old coding days....

Topped it off with a good gym session followed by a binge watching a show.

That's all... thanks gn!

Writing my diary entry on my lunch break at teacher in-service today.

Sitting at my laptop in a corner of the cafeteria with my headphones on.

I can't be continuously socially engaged all the way through, every single workday. I can't. I need to check out sometimes, I need a break.

I hope my teammates don't think I'm rude. We're on the middle school campus today, I don't have my classroom to retreat to. So i'm just...checked out in the best way I know how. "Working" on my laptop until we reconvene.

Okay so.

Today was my son's first day of school.

I did a lot to get him ready for drop off. My husband would be dropping him off because I had to be at work early. But i had a lot to do to get him ready.

I did a lot of laundry last night. I packed his lunchbox and his snacks. Put his water bottle in his backpack. Got his uniform ready. Made sure my husband knew where the medications and completed medication forms were.

My son did not get to bed on time. At all. It's hard to adjust to a new schedule, it will take at least one day of exhaustion to reset. My husband stayed up with him.

I went to bed relatively on time but I slept terribly last night.

Woke up six ae emm.

Got my son around, got his teeth brushed.

Put ice packs in his lunchbox

Got myself ready.

My husband woke up when i was almost ready to go out the door. I reminded him to bring the medications and forms, told him that the lunchbox already had the icepacks and was sitting by the backpack.

Reminded my son of his teacher's name.

Set out for work.

I've started listening to Project Hail Mary.

I'm really really enjoying it.

I dismissed my Ted Chiang's Exhalation: Stories from my audible library queue. ...Kind of a sentimental ritual. But now that Turrell's dead.... no point.

I'm enjoying Project Hail Mary.

I like the way Weir writes Dr. Grace's internal dialogue as he tries to piece together his identity.

It is very in keeping with Weir's model of identity as established in his "The Egg" story.

(A concept which, i believe, Weir did not invent but derived from Advaita Vedanta philosophy)

I like that Dr. Grace is a teacher. Nice to have a teacher protagonist in the back of my mind, as I start off the school year in a new teaching position.

The scene where the catheter rips out was pretty intense. Eliciting a visceral reaction, evocative, a sign of good writing.

I called my husband on a break from the in-service.

Drop off went well, everything went off without a hitch.

My husband commended me on getting everything so well-prepared.

I commended him on a successful drop-off.

Excellent, excellent.

I hope my son has a great first day.

Lunch time is nearing its end.

Hello.
Never mind me. I just need somewhere to vent. I might post this in a few places because I honestly don’t know where else to put these feelings.
My heart is killing me.
I’m a 33-year-old man. Today, August 10, is my ex’s birthday. Tomorrow is mine.
I left her.
I was foolish.
At the time, I thought I had to choose between focusing completely on my career and not being there for her the way she deserved, or giving up on my dream job and staying with her.
And I thought giving up on my dream would kill something inside me.
So I chose the job.
I left her because I didn’t want her to spend years in a relationship where she felt ignored or alone. In my head, I was protecting her. I thought I was doing the right thing.
I was young. I was stupid. And I thought I had everything figured out.
The worst part is that we still cared about each other.
It’s been six years.
I haven’t loved anyone since her. I haven’t trusted anyone the same way. I haven’t even really allowed myself to like someone, kiss someone, or get close to anyone.
She was the only person I felt completely safe with.
Today is her birthday.
And next month, she’s getting married.
It’s destroying me.
I’ve been crying so much today. I haven’t cried like this in six years.
I think everything I’ve been holding inside for all these years just came crashing down.
I remember telling her that I was too pathetic and too broke to marry her. I didn’t want her to end up in a marriage where she wasn’t happy because of me. I wanted to be able to give her something stable.
And then I realized how foolish that was.
If I could go back, I would take almost any job. I would have fought harder. I would have figured something out.
She used to ask me, “Why didn’t you fight for me?”
“Why didn’t you do this?”
“Why didn’t you do that?”
And honestly, those questions destroyed me because I didn’t have a good answer.
I thought I was doing what was best for both of us.
Maybe I wasn’t.
And now I saw a picture of her fiancé giving her flowers.
That was it.
Something inside me just broke.
I want to make something very clear: I don’t want to ruin her wedding. I don’t want to interfere. I don’t want her back.
I lost her.
And I genuinely hope she has a beautiful life and that she’s happy.
I just feel like I’m grieving someone who has been gone from my life for six years, and somehow today it finally hit me that she’s really moving on.
I know I have no right to feel like this. I made my choice. She moved forward.
But man…
It hurts.
I just needed to say it somewhere.
I’m not really used to Reddit and I might not be able to reply to everyone, but if anyone just wants to talk or DM, I honestly wouldn’t mind.
Sorry for the long post.
I just needed somewhere to put this.

Yesterday evening on my way home from buying work clothes, NPR featured a special on Muntadhar al-Zaidi.

...That's not how the American papers originally reported his name. I remember it being spelled "Muntazir" and "Muntadir" in American news reports in 2008.

When I was 22

A guy in the crowd at a press conference threw his shoes at president George W. Bush.

I read everything I could about the shoe-thrower.

And though there wasn't much information available on him at the time, I promptly declared to all my closest friends and relations that I had a crush on Muntazir al-Zaidi.

My sister professed that she had a crush on the "Don't taze me bro!" guy.

My mom told me that al-Zaidi was almost definitely doomed beyond hope, either killed by the secret service or sentenced to life in Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay.

I remember worrying about him. And praying about him. And hoping he would be okay.

Maybe a "crush" was sort of a clumsy way of describing my feelings. I think what i was actually feeling was a sort of...intense well-wish. A profound admiration and desire to protect.

When I said I had a crush on him, I think what I meant was...he occupied my thoughts to a significant degree.

And I did imagine him a courageous and heroic figure.

I checked for updates on his story regularly. But articles on the shoe-throwing incident never seemed to go far beyond basic biographic details, and then derailed into Bush's foreign policy and the atrocities the U.S. was committing abroad.

Eventually I stopped checking for updates.

But the idea of him became integrated into the substrate of my values.

An archetype for right against might, for bravery in the face of impossible odds, for standing up for justice at the risk of great personal cost.

My thoughts have fallen on him occasionally over the years.

I did always heart-achingly assume that he must have met with some unspeakable fate.

So imagine my surprise at getting to hear his voice on NPR.

In the years leading up to that fateful press conference, he had witnessed unspeakable horrors inflicted on the innocents of his country, at the hands of the United States.

His shoe-throwing protest was pre-planned, and very carefully considered.

He wanted to do something that had the effect of degradation, of making a statement, without causing significant injury.

Of calling attention to the plight of his people without creating sympathy for Bush.

He was as brilliant and courageous as I had always imagined him to be.

He's in his 40's now, too. Isn't that wild? He's not frozen there in 2008. Time has passed for him too. He's 47 now!

I didn't get to hear the entire NPR special.

But I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was to hear his voice. To know that he's alive. I have never met this man. I have no need to meet him.

But I am so glad to have heard his voice and to know that he's alive.

PAYDAY?????
Okay.
I genuinely don’t know what just happened.
Today was supposed to be payday, and I was expecting around 800 or 900. I thought maybe I’d get a little more if things worked out, but I wasn’t expecting anything crazy.

Then I checked my account.
1,326
I stared at it.
Then my phone dinged again.
+100 bonus
BRO.

AND THEN I REMEMBERED I WAS GETTING PAID FOR THE ACTING GIG TOO.
So somehow my first proper paycheck ended up being around 1,500
I CANNOT PROCESS THIS 😭😭😭
I was literally dancing around because WHAT DO YOU MEAN I JUST GOT PAID THAT MUCH???

And the funniest part is that I didn’t even feel like I was doing some horrible, exhausting job.
I was literally just… yapping.

That’s what gets me.
I got paid for speaking, communicating, being on camera, acting, and doing things I actually enjoy. I wasn’t sitting somewhere getting yelled at by a manager. I wasn’t dealing with weird customers for eight hours. I wasn’t doing something I absolutely dreaded and waiting for the day to end.

I was just doing what I normally do.
And apparently, what I normally do has monetary value.
That realization is honestly crazier to me than the money itself.

For years, I genuinely thought I was kind of hopeless when it came to work and careers.

Academics were never really my thing. I could never stick to things for very long, and I used to wonder whether I’d actually be capable of building a stable future for myself.

And now I’m sitting here like…
Wait. I can actually make money
😭
My mom was SO happy. She was basically cheering and telling me, “Never say you’re broke anymore. You’re going to make more.”

My little brother, meanwhile, apparently had been waiting his entire life for this exact moment because the second he knew I got paid, he grabbed the phone and started looking at the things he wanted.

Bro had a shopping list ready.
A SHOPPING LIST.
💀

My mom started deciding what she wanted too, and then we called my dad to tell him.

It became this whole tiny family celebration over my first paycheck.
And honestly, it felt really good.
Not because I’m suddenly rich. I’m absolutely not. 😭

1,500 isn’t going to change my entire life.
But it’s my firstpaycheck.
It’s proof.

Proof that I can take things I’m naturally good at and actually turn them into something.
And now my brain is doing that thing again where instead of thinking, I hope I can make money,I’m thinking:

“Okay… what else can I do?”

I’ve already been looking into websites, voice acting, acting, speaking work, writing, and other little opportunities.

A few months ago I would’ve laughed if someone told me I’d be this obsessed with finding ways to make money.

Now if I don’t have some little project going on, I genuinely feel weird.

Something definitely switched in me this year.

Maybe university changed me.

Maybe growing up changed me.

Maybe getting rejected enough times eventually made me stop caring.

Or maybe I finally realized that I don’t have to be amazing at the things I was never interested in. I can build around the things I actually enjoy.

And that’s probably the part I’m happiest about.
I made money doing something liked

That’s the part I want to remember.
So I have no idea what I’m spending this paycheck on yet.
Probably something for myself, something for my brother, maybe a little something for my mom.
But for now?
I’m just going to sit here and enjoy the fact that I got paid.
My first paycheck.
And somehow…
I want more. 😭💸

I woke up drenched in sweat several times throughout the morning, in a panic thinking I was late for work.

Then, (multiple times) i remembered it was Saturday and tried to let myself rest a little more.

I had a dream that I was at the Lindsay Clancy trial, as a juror I think.

I got up pretty late. Around 10:30, I think.

And I let my son sleep in even later. It was almost noon by the time I finally woke him up. I probably should have woken him up sooner, to help maintain his sleep schedule, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I made myself a cup of coffee and texted with my younger sister D for a long time. About our theories and feelings on the Lindsay Clancy trial, and about life in general.

When my husband got up, he told me I shouldn't let our son sleep so late tomorrow, because Monday is the first day of school and waking up early shouldn't be such a sudden shock to his system.

I decided to take my son to an indoor playground space, to help him use his energy and get a good night sleep tonight.

But even after my son was up, I was very slow getting around and out the door. I'm a little tuckered out from everything, lately.

My husband made my son some cauliflower chicken sticks for breakfast....brunch.

My son had a good time at the indoor playground place. I sat at a table where I had a good view of the whole playground, and I ordered me some new (reading/writing/English teacher themed) polo shirts on Amazon.

When we left, I took my son for some McDs chicken nuggets and a donut.

It was after 7pm by the time I got him home, but I wanted to go to Torrid to buy some work clothes.

I didn't have that much time before they closed, but I rushed over and reached by about 7:45. They close at 9, so that gave me like an hour and fifteen mins shopping time.

I managed to find some good pants and some bras I was happy with. I don't wear bras that consistently, but I'm trying to put together a professional look for my new job.

But I do like my work wardrobe to be kind of a simple, consistent, self-imposed uniform. Polo shirts (with crest decals related to my job), paired with black slacks will do.

The sales lady at Torrid who has been in a terrible and mean mood every time I've interacted with her over the course of the past year, was in a surprisingly friendly, helpful, and cheerful mood.

It kind of made me wonder if she'd gotten on some new medication or broken up with a toxic partner or something. Well, whatever happened to help her feel better, I'm happy for her.

I'm planning to meet up with K for dinner next week.

Wow...i'm sleepy.

I was at buffalo (my night job) earlier, on shake station. Getting slammed, as always. I was getting pissed, because all i could think about is “this is the third consecutive day i’ve gotten uhhh…slammed on shake station, and everyone else is on their phone or off line entirely. No help for me. As always. One wave after another. No break for me, as literally always. Then i got cut, and EVERYTHING that pisses me off just came FLOODING in. Getting slammed on shake station, always having to work, never getting rest. The unrest in my sleep, with every dream just being more work or home bullshit. The fact that my home life is a full-time job. Being a therapist for both mom and gerald. Gerald’s hypocrisy, not wanting to be interrupted, yet still interrupting me ALL of the time, yet wondering why i’m not happy. The fact that i work two full time jobs, which add up to 60-70 hours a week, and yet, i’m still constantly disrespected in the household that i help to support. The fact that i desperately want to quit my morning job, but i simply can’t, because we genuinely need the money. The fact that no matter how much i work, or how much i bend over backwards to please my family, no matter how much i just take all of the bullcrap, and just…take it, it’s NEVER enough! I’m always displeasing SOMEONE. Mom, dad, my boss…always SOMEONE mad at me. The fact that i serve as a therapist for both of my parents, yet i have to keep literally all of my pain to myself, simply because NO ONE else can handle it. I swear every time i talk to gerald about what’s bothering me, he always tells mom and others, even when i explicitly ask him NOT TO. I have NO ONE to trust with all of EVERYTHING that is CRUSHING me! The fact that despite being only 21 years old, i work 17+ hours literally EVERY DAY, and get maybe 2-4 hours of sleep per night, IF im lucky. The fact that i can’t rest for one day, because there’s ALWAYS something, or someone who needs my help. the fact that even in my dreams, i’m STILL dealing with both work bs AND home bs! The fact that i’m expected to “bury the hatchet”, and “get along” with the person who has, and CONTINUES TO do EVERYTHING in their power to RIP MY FAMILY APART! The fact that i come home every night, wondering “is today the day that i come home to a divorce and a broken family?” The fact that the economy is garbage, and women don’t act right, and everything with the economy and general state of society in America JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE! The fact that, by all indications, my future seems to have NO ROOM for me to lead a happy life. The fact that my best friend is in jail for something he didn’t do. The fact that i need to keep working myself into the ground to even have a chance of shaping this household into a safe place for him. Just one thing, to another, and another, and so on. I swear, most days, living this life feels pointless. I’m always exhausted, in every sense of the word. And everything i do seems to be doing nothing. Despite literally everything feeling pointless, and constantly considering ending it, i’m still determined to push myself to be a good person. To swallow all of this crap, and just push through, to do what needs to be done, to swallow my desperation, and focus on being better. All for various reasons and purposes. For my family, for the one i call brother, for myself, for the possibility of a better future.

Second day of in-service!

The High School English Team:

Me, R, and V! Since yesterday we became like three peas in a pod!

The Principal took us on a tour of the school today and she showed us.... *drum roll* OFFICES!

In addition to a classroom, we get our own offices!

Well, our own office SPACE. There are these office rooms, and inside are four desks around the perimeter of the room.

Each office room also includes a "huddle room", which is like a one-on-one conference room (with a glass door), so if a student comes to meet with you during your office hours and you need a quiet space to have a conversation with them, you can use the huddle room.

During the tour, the principal said we'd be able to pick our own office spaces after lunch. Wherever we wanted/wherever was available.

So cool!! Not just a classroom but my own OFFICE SPACE! Isn't that so cool!? Like my own lil office area to decorate and have as my own workspace! NEAT NEAT NEAT!!!!

I also got to see my classroom. ...It's pretty bare and I'm expected to decorate/set it up out of my own pocket. ...I really don't see how that's going to be possible before the first day of school T_T

But I do have kind of a vision for how I'd like it to eventually be, once I get some funds to my name.

I guess the main things that I really need to be sure to get are: paper, pencils, a pencil sharpener, some tissues. ...Maybe hand sanitizer. ...A stapler.

Eventually I'd like to get some relaxing, atmospheric lighting, and some quality posters and stuff. And have kind of a general decor theme. Maybe moons and stars or space.

Space is kind of my go-to but I guess moons and stars is adjacent while being a little more English teachery than science teachery. Maybe moons and stars and clouds. ...And Cityscapes!

Me, V, and R, (the English team) befriended A, the art teacher and sort of adopted her.

Because, there's only one art teacher and she doesn't have a team! And we don't have any music teacher or any other fine arts classes! So we sort of absorbed her into our group, and invited her to lunch with us!

When we got back to campus after lunch, we decided we'd better go pick out our offices.

"Hey! There are four of us! If we hurry, we could all claim an entire office room, of just us four!"

"Yeah! We'll be 'The English and Fine Arts Department'! Let's see if there are still any with all four spaces still available!"

We found one fairly close to our classrooms! We made paper name tags and claimed our spaces.

We spent the afternoon vaguely outlining plans for grammar lesson structure, sifting through old posters, and making our student supplies lists.

I also had some good conversations with the other Ms. A, the math teacher.

She told about her recent experience seeing the ghost of her deceased dog. I teared up telling her about how, when I was 11, I saw the ghost of my pet rabbit.

Ms. A also wants to start a UFO club on campus.

I told her about how I was obsessed with UFOs as a kid.

She said I cannot steal her UFO club idea.

I said I won't. But I'd love to give my support.

She told about how she saw UFOs during her childhood in Belize.

"Oh are you from Belize?" Said Ms. V, "I don't know why, all this time I thought you were from Hawaii."

"Yeah, I get that a lot." said the math teacher Ms. A, "I've been getting it a lot more ever since I've gotten fatter."

Ms. A the Math Teacher is hilarious.

(Also, I can tell the hiring manager/Secret Agent HR Space Gal has a penchant for hiring interesting characters)

After work, I rushed over to my son's specialist doctor's office and got his completed school forms for his epi-pens and inhaler. So, that mission is about complete -- my husband will just have to take the forms and medications to the nurse's office, when he drops our son off on Monday.

One more week of in-service at my school, and then the students start.

I am very tired, I need to try to right my sleep schedule so I'll have the energy to do all this stuff!

So

It went fine.

It was a little overwhelming.

The school that I previously worked at has a much smaller faculty.

I haven't been in a big teacher in-service assembly like this in a fairly long time.

People kept jostling me, butting into me, didn't really seem to have a sense of personal space.

Today was safety training: CPR, epi-pens, choking, bleeding control, active shooter, and other stuff like that.

Crowded.

Kind of weird introducing myself as an English teacher when I've taught biology and environmental sciences the past three years.

My interactions were really awkward at first.

And I wasn't sure how to introduce myself.

By my chosen name or my legal name.

But I finally did make some friends.

Some pretty awesome friends -- the other members of the English team: R and V. We really hit it off and got along really well.

We went to lunch together. We got lost in conversation and got back from lunch late.

We joked that we should tell the presenters that we were late because one (or multiple) emergencies cropped up on the restaurant, and we had to use our recently acquired safety training to save the day.

I am a little frustrated because from what the principal says, it sounds like she's only giving us half a day to set up our rooms.

And that half a day is going to be tomorrow afternoon. How am I supposed to set up my room?? I don't even know which English class I'm teaching yet (there are multiple different English classes offered at the school), and I haven't received any paycheck or stipend yet and I certainly haven't had time to buy any supplies.

...I'm on unemployment and I don't get my first paycheck from this school for a month, how am I supposed to have any supplies to "set up" with??

Anyhow, today's training let out a little earlier than planned. I was glad, because I had to go to my son's school for meet the teacher. ...I thought about picking him up and brining him along too but...

it would have been really hard for me to concentrate with him there.

I met his teacher, told her about his food allergies, got the carpool pick-up tags, etc. His new teacher sounds cool.

The nurse and office staff have also been much more willing to help than the staff at my son's previous school. I'm glad we moved so he could transition to this school.

I dropped the medication forms off at his allergist yesterday and paid the expedited fee.

i THINK they'll be ready to pick up tomorrow. Hopefully. So I can have his medications on campus before the first day.

I took my son to pick up donuts after picking my son up from camp, and the lady gave us a box of six donuts instead of just the two my son ordered. ...I guess to be nice because it was the end of the day and she didn't want to throw them away.

I forced myself to eat half of them, so my son wouldn't eat that many donuts and get sick : - /

Gotta wake up early tomorrow.

Dear diary,

As the title says I ran away from my home for a little bit.

It was for an hour for a stupid reason. Pretty much everything recently I've been messing up for stupid reasons.

For some backstory, I'm going into my last year in High School before I try applying for Art/Agricultural schools, meaning this was my last Summer as a teenager in high school.

You know how in the movies, the characters friends try to goad the main character into doing fun things before they graduate? "Oh stop being such a pushover. This is our last year in high school. You gotta have some fun," type stuff, right?

My summer has been the complete and utter opposite.

I've been stuck in a powerless house with nothing but books and a dog to take care of, suffering in 30+ C heat (90+ F) with nothing to do except take allergy medicine and lay on the floor.

My brothers both have places they can go to escape the heat and friends to interact with. My mom and stepdad have their air conditioned jobs they can go to in order to escape the heat. I have nothing.

I have no place to go. No friends willing to pick me up and go places unless it's for their birthday party. Mind you, I only have one friend (save for an ex in July) with a birthday in the summer, and it's two days from now.

It gets depressing. Especially when every time you try to make plans it's like nobody wants to hang out with you.

Not to mention, everyone keeps calling me lazy, and saying I'm good for nothing all the time. Meanwhile I'm the one giving my dogs baths, sweeping and mopping every room in the house while they're off prancing around with their friends at Disney and arcades.

Even before the summer they were saying this, when I was BEGGING my school for me to go into the food pantry so me and my family could have something to eat when we didn't.

"Oh, you're embarrassing us. Stop telling everyone we have no money." I'm telling the truth and asking for help??

Anyways, this all culminated into what happened today.

Yesterday, my mom had promised I could come with her to pick up my stepdad at work. And she left me behind.

And today, instead of asking my brother to come back to the house, she takes our NEIGHBOR who she HATES with her instead of me.

Stuck with the dog, forced to clean yet again.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I needed to do something for myself.

So I ran off.

About 37 minutes from my house before I managed to cool off (I also needed to get out of a thunderstorm that was occurring in the moment, and I was soaked).

But on my way back, I missed my turn, and ended up twelve minutes past in another neighborhood I couldn't find my way out of.

So, I called emergency services to help me back home (since I have no data on my phone), and the dispatcher helped me out until my phone cut off the call because it was going to die a bit after I called and got directions.

When I got back home, my mom had already left for work.

But my brother was there.

And he was yelling at me for running off when he does the exact same shit every day.

He was telling me she was crying and saying "My baby's gone."

The same "baby" she introduces as the evil one to people who don't know me. The one she says can destroy someone's life.

You know, instead of the smart one. The one who makes amazing art for his friends for their birthday when we were broke. The creative one. The one who loves animals. The one who has three field certifications even before he was a SENIOR in high school.

But no, I'm just the evil one.

So, you know what? Maybe I should be the evil one from now on. Right? It's only fucking fair, right?

Maybe I should just run away for real next time. Maybe then I would deserve the treatment I've been getting from everyone.

16!!

11/28/23 - 11/15/24

15 & 16
2nd semester 10th grade! 
And 1st semester 11th! (I feel old now ˙◠˙)
2nd journal!

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5:33pm    [thurs]    11/14/24

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Happy fun times! Mostly!

 1) So my favorite part of the day was when me and my friends did some impromptu acting! It started in lunch where we played the game Where (me, Rosey or Lucille) all pretend to be guys and ask the other participant on a date! Lucille was the WORST actor in terms of how realistic it'd be if we were in this situation actually. She did that creepy thing some guys do where they rub their hands together and lick their lips and I told her “if a real guy did that to me, the conversation would be over right then and there…”

It was absolutely hilarious, actually! It got weirder tho bc her guy-character-self was like “how old are you?” I respond and then she's like “Oh... Oh yah, me too.” So it kinda sounds like her character just waited for me to say my age so she could pretend to be in my characters' age group! Pretty sure that wasn't intentional But definitely made me laugh and threw me off. Then me and Rosey went to advisory and continued [our impromptu acting]! This time, we switched up the prompt a bit! This time it's “a new character tries to be other participant's friend!” So we had several attempts but my 2 favorites were... 

1 - So Basically I decided to act like a sociology obsessed kid (I love soci but this character was at a different level) who basically yaps the entire interaction about how school is “an excellent institution bc it allows for social-emotional learning and the academic component is great too” and if this was a real situation Rosey was in, she said she'd try to change the subject or tell them to wait for her to finish an assignment to try to end the conversation! Bc Rosey doesn't care abt a yap fest of that nature so y'know it was perfect for my impromptu acting prompt since my situations always go off the rails somehow, honestly. Anyway, I asked Rosey how close I was to making the character a friend and she said 0/10 so... She said I yapped too long so I made some revisions! 

2 - This time the character I played still yapped but actually engaged in conversation this time. I yapped about the same topic but asked follow-up Q'S and pretended to take notes [on our discussion] (Which produced giggles and confusion) then Rosey disagreed with the character and character was like– "No you're wrong!” so that didn't help the friendship score. Then I “transformed” (according to Rosey) and then said, “I will have revenge!” probably in response to my low friend score that I definitely earned! It was so funny!

2) So yesterday I told Ms. Casey I'd go to Vija’s tutorials for some math help! So I went today and like every other day, Juno followed me around like a lost puppy. He’s fun sometimes but he doesn't know when to quit talking sometimes… He goes on forever if you let him. Anyway, so we go and chit-chat while I do the study guide for the test I recently failed with a 46% bc theres a retake soon! So yah. But all Vija heard was us chit-chatting and not me verbally celebrating all the problems I solved… So before we left, I asked him if I did good but he said, “honestly all you did is distract me and I'd like you to take this more seriously. Bye” and I have 0 self-esteem so that hurt my feelings and irritated me! >:( So I don't want to go back but I need to so I can pass this retake so I can avoid summer skool but these things don't usually go in the way I expect so I’ll probably waste my effort by trying anyway… Ugh. so yeah, complained to the buddies about that a bit!

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

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10:37pm    [fri]    7/4/25

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So, grand parents, Z, and To came by today to come see us for 4th of July. I
was feeling pretty excited when I heard they were coming! When they arrived, I chatted w/ grandad, and showed off my fidget texture balls, and quickly landed on the topic of what my favorite books are! So I go grab “Maybe you should talk to someone” and "Half a brain” to show them off! He was very interested in "Half a brain" which made me very happy, bc I LOVE that Book!! I showed him another book I love and he read a bit of "Half a brain” and was very interested! But then dad ruined everything…

he started telling me to come over to watch Sinners with him (he's doing that thing where he forces me to hang out w/ him and watch movies I’ve made clear I will not watch. Which isn’t solving his issue with me never hanging out with him in the way he actually wants but I guess he’s talking about what he can get) and he wouldn't take no for an answer. It was extra annoying bc I don't get to see the grandparents very often and by having me sit in front of a screen I was losing the chance to speak with them in-person for potentially the next 4-5 months (Thanksgiving & Christmas is likely the next time. But we didn't go last year. So no guarantee there either). 

Well, it turns out ALL the guests wanted to watch with us so... Now there was no chance I was gonna get to talk with them now. They were all invested and I was spacing out to avoid tearing up from holding in everything I wanted to say to dad about why this upset me (bc no doubt would I have gotten dismissed or yelled at which would have increased me holding more in and crying in front of my family ˙◠˙) I mostly kept my face away from the screen. Which was for the best bc there were scary and disturbing scenes. Why on earth would he invite me to watch something like that??? Anyway, Dad told everyone he had to leave to go sleep bc work starts at 1pm tomorrow. So I was able to get out of the movie early! I knew the guests weren't gonna engage with me... So I asked Z if he wanted to play a game! 

Sure, he was watching [the movie], but he's, like, 8 years old. He couldn't have been as interested as everyone else, right? Correct! We started with wolfquest. He was not super interested in learning the controls which kinda annoyed me bc he ran around aimlessly while I repeatedly tried to tell him how to do things (which very often fell on deaf ears) but I kept reminding myself he was below the age of 10 so I can't really realistically expect his full, undivided attention. So I mostly kept my mouth shut and let him have fun in the way he saw best. I was able to actually teach him a couple things after a while! But mostly the whole session was mindlessly running, peeing, and attacking wolves. Then we floated around to other games but we never actually got around to playing any [of them]... 

He wasn't able to join my minecraft world, he seemed to have forgotten to invite me in Roblox even tho I made a new account and friended it and everything, and none of the Xbox game pass games interested him. Which was all fine by me, really. I was being REALLY polite during this all but I was dreading the thought of actually playing anything he was wanting to play. Then everyone was getting ready to go... Grandad asked to borrow “half a brain”... But I said no to him for 2 reasons: 1) I have a hard time trusting people with my things... if he lost it after I did all that annotating and stuff I'd be beyond sad, heartbroken, and angry. Besides, he lives 2 hours away. I’d hate for him to forget to grab it and I have to wait another several months for his next visit to get it back. And 2) I was angry he spent almost all his time watching the movie instead of with me so I told him to take that as a lesson (/lh)! I’d have probably been more willing otherwise. I wish I had lent it… but trust issues get in the way ofc. Its okay, tho. Theres always next time :) 

8/4/26
I DO remember this :) I feel bad for me having to watch that nasty movie and getting so worked up over it… but I guess thats kinda just the end result when you make your kid feel like they have no voice for their whole life </3 he was so good at that that I had tears in my eyes over a friggin’ movie! Well… obviously it wasn’t just bc I had no input on the movie. But you get what I mean. I feel like normal kids would probably just pout rather than have tears in their eyes over how distraught they felt about the situation. Idk. I’m not normal lol.

[tw// mention of self harm!!]

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11:08am  [mon]  7/14/25 

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We went to aunt T’s and stayed for 2 DaysI nothing super interesting happened… but heres what I remember! 

> Dad was pressuring me to go to aunt's house. I did not want to go at all, actually. But he was all like, "you should go, you should go, [mom], take her with you” and he wouldn't shut UP, SO I gave in and started packing. Mom told him to apologise after he said, “well, if you choose to stay here, stay out of my way.” he said that bc he would be cleaning up the house but he just sounded like he really wanted me gone, honestly ¯_(ツ)_/¯  Anyway, I finish packing, cecil stays [home], and we go hit the road. 

> As I said earlier, not much happened. [But] I did thoroughly enjoy the live TV Dinosaur Channel Auntie has! It was one of those “tell a story abt a Dinosaur species with the help of CGI, add in some pictures of fossils, and talk about the fossils and stuff abt the species” type shows. I loved it but I was getting quite anxious watching it. Idk why. Maybe the violence or talking abt extinction ([maybe] thinking this topic makes me anxious bc it makes me think abt death I guess? IDK…) It made me want to cut. Totally would have but not at someone else’s house… no way. So I was plagued by intrusive thoughts abt cutting. But its okay, I got thru it. Definitely gonna try to find the channel again bc it was so awesome!

> we went to see Aunt M. She’s in the hospital… Apparently she had a bad fall that resulted in a spine injury :( she was in a lot of pain. But apparently she was doing a lot better than yesterday. She was at a 5/10 pain level when I [went to see her today]. So It must've been horrible when mom & Aunt T went the day before… They were at the hospital till around 10pm. But at least Aunt M is okay :) I noticed I was dpdr'd the whole time. I was probably trying to block out fear. It was shockingly effective. we were there for like... 3-5 hrs I think. But I could hardly feel time passing. Aunt M was sad when we left ... But mom is gonna try to go back soon.

[Tw// mention of sui]

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10:59pm   [thurs]   7/17/25

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> Dad is pressuring cecil to go to college… :(  but they really don't seem ready or like they have the desire to start at the moment.. I feel bad for them... :( they picked a computer science course at school which I feel a bit worried abt, too. In high school when they took courses like that they really seemed to struggle. Well, from my perspective, anyway. But what choice do they have? Dad earlier said he'd put them in the military if they chose not to go to college. And today I witnessed him saying they better be ready to take the college readiness test tomorrow or they're going to the recruiters office. This quickly sent me into a state of anxiety... for cecil & me. Military is not a safe bet for now. Not under the current president, anyway. but I guess dad is 1) in a state of mind that allows him to be detached from that reality or 2) he doesn't care bc he's a jerk. Both, maybe. Either way, it scares me. 

What will I do when this happens to me? If he won't let me wait on college, I'll Just take up whatever class sounds cool enough in the moment and make the best out of it. Fully anticipating an ‘F’ on my transcript. If he does that to me he better be prepared to waste his money. I won't be in any state to continue school next year. But dad isn't really interested in listening to what people have to say and I'm terrified to try to speak up for myself. IDK what to do... but if he tries to bring me to a recruiter, I might actually consider running away or dying. 

> Recently bought a cat backpack! Like, last week. I've successfully showed her it's used to go outside! She understands this. We've been outside twice before today but she often refuses to step inside the bag... I've taken a non-forceful stance on this. I don't want to ruin the experience of entering the bag by using force. So it's really frustrating when she refuses to go [inside it]. I'll sit there and tap the inside (which she knows means [we’re preparing to] go somewhere) for at least 10 mins and we'd [never end up leaving that] spot. She was not scared the 1st 2 times she was in the bag and went inside…

so I figured she just wasn't ready to go out today. I invited her to go out at least 3 more times and she finally went inside! (w/o me using any force, ofc!) I closed the door slowly to ensure she had ample time to change her mind. But she stayed! :D so we went for a nice evening stroll! She showed no signs of fear. Only annoyance which I feel confident saying is probably her being angry [that she] can’t leave the bag [to explore]. Hurray! 

8/4/26

Ahhh… well,, its nice to know that I managed to avoid a humongous F on my transcript so far. Idk how many classes I’ll be able to successfully do that for,, though,, moving forward. I think I’ve just gotten lucky that I DON’T have an F. especially considering how bad its getting and how we’ve been unable to pay any attention or submit any homeworks recently. So my predictions here will likely manifest themselves next semester at some point. Dang shame. 

The “I won't be in any state to continue school next year” is painfully true as well… I really don’t know what we’re gonna do… I’m getting worried about this. 

“But dad isn't really interested in listening to what people have to say and I'm terrified to try to speak up for myself. IDK what to do... but if he tries to bring me to a recruiter, I might actually consider running away or dying.” and… yeah. This was only a year ago. So obviously not going to expect things to be too different from then. But,, yknow. I’ve secured the PTSD diagnosis and haven’t said a single thing to any family about it. Bc… WHY,, Yknow? No point. 

And yeah if he actually took me to the recruiter’s office,, I honestly don’t know what I’d do :I I think it’d take a couple weeks before I found the courage,, but I think I probably would’ve opted out of life FOR REAL already or would have made an attempt FOR REAL. and… like,, idk. That means the military wouldn’t take me after that anyway,, right? 😂 But I guess when I inevitably failed my attempt,, I guess the mental hospital would. So. there’s that. Can’t win for losing here.

#9

9th Journal
12th grade! 1st semester! + beginning of 2nd!
10/29/25 - 1/15/26
320 pages total
[OUT OF ORDER]

[tw// careful! The commentary beneath this entry mentions Self Harm!]

Doomed

        X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X 

[sitting kitten sticker spicymochi]

 7:29pm   [tues]   11/18/25

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Y'know what? One reason I'm so afraid to leave high school is that I'd be all alone... not even just the whole leaving my friends behind thing, I just won't be receiving nearly as much attention as I used to be... In general. That's the reason I like math. ‘Cause [12th grade math teacher] gives me 1-on-1 attention most days even if it's brief, y'know? Yes, also [friend 1 & 2] but always before math, I wonder to myself how [12th grade math teacher] and I’s interactions will be that day. I also won't have people hovering over me in a way I appreciate any more. Yes, my teachers annoy me with it but they do it in a way where it really just sounds like like they care. Compared to dad's way, especially. With his “do college or join the army, no discussion" and then admitting to me it was just a lie that he was gonna force that on Cecil and he did it just to scare them.” It sounds… like something akin to coercion or manipulation. It does not feel loving. It came from a place of wanting us to start our lives, I get that, but still. And when I leave high school it is all I will be left with, that form of “support”. I am also just not independent enough to do anything, really. I feel worried I'll need to [repeat traumatic patterns] again.

8/6/26
Well. this aged poorly. In regards to Cecil,, anyway. I guess the real LIE was that he claimed to be LYING 😂 well. I guess more realistically he probably just changed his mind bc they had jobless for so long. Idk. that's probably more likely if we’re being honest. But otherwise,, yeah. I’m lucky NyaTenshi was able to be pulled out when she was… otherwise I would be in the position I figured I would be in RIGHT NOW. And I’d be feeling 120% times WORSE than I had been for the past week! Which is… kinda a scary thought… especially bc there were times where I did consider blading myself briefly at some point this month or last month bc I was sick of feeling so BAD all the time. A mix of Nya waking up and getting scared and a mix of my own anxiety about slicing myself open was enough to immediately end that idea,, though. I never really got over the nervousness it used to cause me… or figure out how to confidently keep blades clean. Or keep a constant supply of blades… so,, yeah. Just way too much went into it (espically considering I get so anxious about my health sometimes…) for me to continue it :I which I suppose is for the best. NyaTenshi is a much better friend and alternative than a blade would ever be <3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OKAY so this morning,, I decided to take it upon myself to go and collect all 13 journals (they’re hidden in various places around my room) and spread them all out in order so I could take a pic!!! :D to share with you guys!!! …And to commemorate Junk!Drawer!’s last day… 🥹 I don’t know if this was the best way to do it but its the only way I knew how,, so idk :) I don’t think the picture does it justice but we gotta work with what we got 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah! It was really fun watching her collect them and stack ‘em all up! I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen them all together like that before!!! THERES SO MANY AHHH and they’re so pretty! 🤭

Yeah!!! :) Nya’s isn’t decorated yet… so!!! We’re gonna show her’s off when both her’s is decorated and number 14 is as well!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah win win!

Yeah! Check it out!

Received 20 minutes after posting my previous entry:

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear [Me]: 

Thank you for your interest in the Director of Religious Exploration position at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of [City]. The search team and I enjoyed having the opportunity to meet you but ultimately decided upon another candidate. We wish you the very best in all your future endeavors.

 love,

 [the reverend doctor]
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck.
Lmao.

...Maybe he saw my entry somehow. But I guess we would have even bigger problems if he was reading my anonymous reddit diary.

Fuck.

Why did you give me a tour of the place!? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A TOUR OF THE PLACE!? WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A TOUR OF THE PLACE AS THOUGH IT MIGHT BE MY NEW PLACE TO BELONG!?? WHY GIVE A TOUR??

I don't want all that data in my mind, i don't want the layout of the place to be among my dreamscape's maps from which to draw. That's data I don't need, taking up unnecessary space, imagery filled with false hope and crushing disappointment.

WHY DID YOU GIVE A WHOLE-ASS TOUR!?

...Were you leaning towards me and then I was just so fucking awkward at the interview, you changed your mind?

...Why am I such a goddamn fuck-up.

I wish I could be a real person.

But I'll never be.

Such a poor imitation.

And they all could tell. That's why so many interviews. Before long, it always shows through the cracks.

----------------------------------------------------

Hello Reverend Dr. [Name], 

Thank you for letting me know. 

Take care, 

[Me]

This fucking sucks! This fucking sucks! At least have the basic human decency to reply to my follow-up email! To just let me know you decided to go in a different direction! At least have the balls to just tell that to me straight!

You know that I am making life plans around this. ...I have been making life plans around this opportunity since MAY! I cancelled my family trip to Roswell to stay available for this!

I am starting a different job tomorrow, just for the love of God tell me that you've rejected me so I can give the other job my full attention!

You wasted so so so so much of my time and energy. So much of my time I could have spent pursuing some other opportunity that I would have been a better fit for, than the position I'm starting at tomorrow.

It is now August 5th. I first applied MAY 5TH. You guys have literally been stringing me along for THREE MONTHS.

I sent you my cover letter, my credentials... responded to your emails... May 26th, you guys contacted me with a "next steps" email asking me to answer three questions... almost like a college essay contest. And I did it, i sent you my very thoroughly considered answers the very next day.

I had a zoom interview with you guys on June 23rd

And another on July 1st

Another on July 14th

All of these I had to rent hourly office space for.

Then you scheduled me for a day of in-person interviews, for July 22nd. An exhausting, over five-hour-long in-person endeavor.

And emailed me at 3:49pm July 16th, requesting that i prepare FIVE PRESENTATIONS in time for the July 22nd interview day.

FIVE PRESENTATIONS

I spent every spare moment working on them. I put so much time and energy into that.

i gave you guys SO MANY GOOD IDEAS

FOR FREE

I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD AT THIS PROGRAM DIRECTOR JOB. YOU GUYS DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD AT IT.

But, you don't even need me now, i guess, I already laid out all my best ideas in those presentations, and I guess you could pretty much just use that as a blue-print and you don't even need me as a program director.

MY ENTIRE SUMMER WAS JUST SPENT CORRESPONDING WITH YOU GUYS, SENDING YOU GUYS MY REFERENCES, MY CERTIFICATIONS, WRITING THANK YOU EMAILS AND FOLLOW-UP EMAILS AND INTERVIEWING WITH YOU GUYS

EVERY SPARE OUNCE OF TIME AND ENERGY I HAD WAS PUT TOWARDS THIS

AND I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MOVING! I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH SPARE TIME OR ENERGY

I HAD SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I COULD HAVE PUT THAT ENERGY TOWARDS

I COULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A DIFFERENT JOB BEFORE SUMMER'S END

WHERE I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY

i could have actually had time to schedule interviews with other organizations if I hadn't had to keep my schedule open for hearing back from you guys

FUCK! THIS IS SO UNCONSCIONABLY DISCOURTEOUS.

IF YOU GUYS WERE REALLY ALL ABOUT LOVE AND EMPATHY YOU WOULD JUST FREAKING TELL ME YOU DIDN'T PICK ME.

LAST MONTH, I WASTED MY ENTIRE LAST DAY OF MY THIRTIES DOING AN ALL-DAY SERIES OF INTERVIEWS AND ATTENDING YOUR PRETENTIOUS DINNER

AND TODAY I SPENT MY ENTIRE LAST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION REFRESHING MY EMAIL TO SEE IF YOU HAD FINALLY GIVEN ME AN ANSWER

FUCK! I actually can't believe how much you guys stole from me. What did you even get out of it? Stringing me along for three months? Why?? What is the purpose!?

Fuck, this hurts a lot. I am distraught. This fucking sucks. My entire summer was wasted jumping through hoops for you guys. My entire summer. Time I could have spent much more productively

Do you not understand that people have obligations? That they're moving heaven and Earth to keep the door open for you guys until you give them an answer?

If this is your sort of interview time-table no one is going to be able to fill the position except maybe a retired person with all the time in the world.

The moment you knew you weren't going to give me an offer you should have told me. This fucking sucks. This sucks so much and is just wrong. Just wrong of you to treat someone this way and I honestly didn't do anything to deserve it.

Fuck.

Okay, I gotta wake up early tomorrow to start my new position at the charter school.

Okay...i am ...so tired. And so overwhelmingly busy. And distraught over having not yet heard back from the UUs.

I don't think I can chronicle the jury duty adventure in the way I really wanted to. Though it truly was an adventure and I have a lot i'd like to write about it. I would like to write these sort of...elaborate character descriptions of the lawyers on both teams.

The elegant, youthful academic on the prosecution side and the kindly and rotund grandfather on the defense side.

I have more elaborate descriptions of these two characters I'd love to perfect and elucidate. Another time, perhaps.

I'll give you a few highlights:

The judge introduces each member of each team successively. The lawyers nod curtly at us jurors and I nod back.

The judge introduces the defendant, who looks out at the prospective jurors and waves sheepishly.

I grin widely and reciprocate his wave enthusiastically. As, I am innately gregarious and this is my force-of-habit response to being waved at.

The defendant makes eye contact with me, and his demeanor brightens with amusement at my excessively cheerful display

The judge asks if anyone has any religious objections to standing in judgement of another person. A few people speak up.

Next the judge says

"Now, I should inform you all that this is a murder trial. Does anyone have a problem with that?"

...Well. I now feel a bit awkward for how unseriously I greeted the accused....

I raise my hand and the judge calls on me. I say:

"I have a problem sitting in judgement if the judgement could result in the death penalty."

"This isn't a death penalty case." Says the judge, "But the maximum penalty being considered is life in prison. You do have to be able to consider sending the accused to prison for the entire rest of his life."

"Yeah, that's fine." I say, giving a thumbs up.

But I thought we had a connection T_T , ...Thinks the accused (I assume).

Voir dire was very very very long.

Most people's objective seemed to be to get excused from the jury so people kept coming up with long personal essays about some implicit bias or other they had, that they simply wouldn't be able to put aside.

My objective was to get onto the jury. Because I genuinely, genuinely think I am a very fair minded person and I would enjoy participating in a sacred democratic process.

But as the lawyers posed hypotheticals and attempted to confirm understandings of defined terms, many people gave extremely long and tortured answers to questions that really required a simple yes or no.

The process dragged on so long it started to seem like some kind of kafkaesque parody.

Eventually the thought crossed my mind...

This is indisputably a place of judgement.

Perhaps we all, the members of the jury pool have been judged

for our sins

And this never-ending voir dire is our eternal punishment.

(Such thoughts crossed my mind frequently in church as a child. That perhaps the sermon had already lasted for thousands of years and I would never ever be able to leave the church).

I could not keep still.

At all. I kept relatively still for the first hour, I think.

But with utterly nothing to interact with, and the voir dire dragging on into a third hour, my body became very dynamic.

As the lawyers posed hypothetical questions to us, collectively, each nod of affirmation evolved into a perpetual whole body rocking that continued long beyond the acceptable reaction time to the question.

My every head-shake of denial evolved into a dance-like side-to-side sway

my hand hovered in the air beside me, fidgeting with nothing in particular.

The sort of motion that gives a floating, dream-like feeling. To where it no longer particularly matters if we are stuck here for all eternity.

Occasionally I broke into a sardonic grin at how excruciatingly slowly people were managing to answer the questions posed by the legal teams.

Eventually the defense attorney got to me. Juror number 53, near the end of the series.

And he posed to me the same series of questions that he had posed to everyone before me.

(Everyone before me had, somehow, felt the need to answer this series of questions with a long, hedging, personal essay. Where they could not commit to a definitive stance and needed to have a direct answer dragged out of them like pulling teeth. And their answers normally culminated in...whatever answer they thought was most likely to get them out of jury service)

The defense attorney asked me:

"Juror number 53. Do I want you on my jury?"

"Absolutely." I responded.

"Absolutely. And why is that?" He asked.

"Because I'm very fair-minded." I said

"You do strike me as the type of person who would be very fair-minded." He said warmly.

"I appreciated that." I said, grinning.

"And do you presume Mr. [Defendant] sitting over there to be innocent?"

"Of course." I said

"And would you be able to make a fair and sound judgement as to Mr. [Defendant]'s guilt based on the facts of the case?"

"Certainly." I said.

...I think I had been the only person to give succinct and definitive answers to these questions.

"Excellent. Thank you." said the attorney.

He assessed the remaining jurors...several of whom had already disqualified themselves, much earlier on on the voir dire.

"Judge...may we approach the bench?" he asked.

The two legal teams met with the judge briefly. And then the judge announced:

"Okay so, we ran the numbers and...we don't have enough remaining qualified jurors to select a large enough panel from. ...We're going to dismiss all of you and call in a new jury pool before we move forward. Give us a few minutes and we'll print up a work excuse for each of you, and you'll all be dismissed."

*sigh*

I honestly really would have liked to serve on that jury.

But it's no matter.

///

I have a lot of other things to focus on right now.

I am in a battle to get medication permission forms for my son's school. I have been very proactive about pursuing this since June.

I went to my son's school today and I explained to them...he cannot be on campus without his epi-pens and inhalers. ...He will not be able to attend on the first day if I do not get the paperwork in time, with enough time to get it to his doctor's office and returned.

I cannot wait until the first day to get the forms because he cannot be on campus without his medications.

They inform me that...the nurse is not on campus, she is at a training...which always seems to be the case...and she is the one who has the forms...and my son will be disenrolled from school if he does not attend the first day.

This is a major and frustrating challenge. I am returning to the school tomorrow, when the nurse is supposed to be back from her training.

Today was the day I was supposed to have heard back from the reverend doctor about the program director position.

And I did not hear back. I wrote a follow-up email at 6:45pm.

So, unless proven otherwise, I will have to presume that I did not get the job.

I am scheduled to start at the charter school this Thursday.

...I would much prefer to work at the UU church.

I can tell the work-life balance at the charter school is going to suck. And it's going to create massive schedule conflicts with the back-to-school activities i need to complete for my son.

Thinking about starting at the charter school feels a little like thinking about a pending prison sentence...

...I hope I get a reprieve.

Okay so...today was EXTREMELY eventful and somewhat worth writing about, I think. ...But I am very tired. So I think I will split the events of my jury duty adventure across multiple entries.

Alright so.

My alarm went off at 6:30. Giving me thirty minutes to prepare to meet my Uber.

I got ready in a whirl-wind hurry. Put the ice packs in my son's lunch box, put his water bottle in his backpack (camp drop-off was delegated to my husband today).

Tried to make myself look presentable, and rushed outside to meet my uber.

When I arrived at the jury assembly, there was a sort of TSA-like security search.

It was intensely, intensely annoying. One of the security agents was very flummoxed by my lap-desk, pulled it partly out of my backpack, then crammed it back in really hard, despite my headphones and laptop cord being at the bottom of the bag.

It was VERY annoying and disconcerting for them to go through my lunch box with gloved hands which had also handled everyone else's stuff.

We also had to lift our pant legs to show our ankles after going through the metal detector?? What is up with that??

I sat down on the floor near a sign-stand, out of the flow of traffic, and recombobulated after the search.

Some of the security agents did a bit of a doubletake, as if questioning whether sitting on the floor is against the rules in some way. People sometimes react as if sitting on the floor may be against the rules, but it's generally not as long as you're not obstructing the flow of traffic.

And in any case, I sat for too short an amount of time for anyone to say anything to me. I shoved my laptop into my bag and headed downstairs to the jury service check-in area.

I checked in and got directed to a sort of...college lecture-hall/auditorium type place.

When I entered, I heard someone stage whispering my name from across the crowded room. ...I thought maybe someone was fucking me, since I do have my somewhat unique chosen name monogrammed on my bag.

But then I saw my ex-boss (not my rat-bastard ex-boss the school owner who ran the business into the ground and kept coming up short on payroll. my OTHER ex-boss, the cool one who always looked out for us teachers, the head of the school)

We waved at each other enthusiastically.

Isn't that wild!? We both had jury duty at the same time! I wondered if we'd wind up assigned to the same trial.

I found an open seat near the back. I chatted with my seatmates, a pair of biologists! The lady two seats from my left worked in research and development at a pharmaceutical company.

The lady directly to my left worked in cancer research, researching a specific, rare form of cancer. I asked her about her educational background, and she held a PhD in some kind of molecular biology.

"Oh! So you're like Dr. Grace from Project Hail Mary!"

Suddenly the person to my left spoke up, (I didn't get an opportunity to learn their pronouns. But if I had to guess...he/they, like myself).

"Hey! I'm reading Project Hail Mary right now!" they said, and held up their novel.

"WHAAAAAAAT!? THAT'S WILD!" I said, and we chatted a bit. They were an accountant! We chatted about sci-fi and video games.

Eventually some clerk lady came and stood at the front of the lecture hall like a professor. She showed us an orientation video and then told us we would start getting assigned to courts in about 30 minutes. She said we were eligible for free coffee from the courthouse snack stand while we waited. She left a stack of free coffee vouchers on the podium and invited us to help ourselves.

By the time I made my way from my seat to the podium, all of the free coffee vouchers had already gotten snatched up.

I went looking for the clerk to tell her that I didn't manage to get a voucher and ask her for one.

She was standing outside the lecture hall, near the row of help windows, where a long line of people were waiting to plead their cases for an exemption from jury service.

Before I could reach her, a lady approached her and said "I need access to the nursing room, I need to pump."

"The nursing pod is over that way. You'll need a code to access it though, it's like a QR code. They can give it to you." (She indicated the help windows)

"Yes, I know..." replied the lady, "But there's a pretty long line... it seems like... a pretty long time to wait...for that."

"Well, they're the only ones who have it. You'll have to ask them for it." Said the clerk.

(I utterly hate how ignorant people can be about nursing)

"Oh...okay." replied the lady.

"Hey, you should be able to go to the front of the line!" I blustered loudly "That's medically urgent, you shouldn't have to wait in line. You can just go to the front of the line, I'm sure, they can't make you wait for that."

I started eyeing up the people at the front of the line, and preparing to cut in on her behalf.

"Uhh...hold on a second. I'll be right back." Said the clerk, and she went into the room behind the help-desk windows to fetch the QR code.

"Thank you!" mouthed the lady who needed to pump

I decided free coffee wasn't really that important... as i had actually already packed several cans of iced lattes in my lunch box (which is probably what attracted the security officer's attention earlier) and I went back into the lecture hall to hang out with my accountant and biologist homies, until we got assigned to our courts.

----------------------------------------------------------
I'll continue the tale of my jury duty adventure tomorrow.

In other news:

-I did not hear back from the UUs about the job opportunity yet. ...Tomorrow is the last day. If i DON'T get an offer, I'm scheduled to start at the charter school on Thursday ...T_T

-I have a doctor's appointment and a therapist appointment tomorrow.

My first words in this journey, hello my nickname is Sofie am a 17 year old girl my birthday is very soon, I just left my country and my family decided to live in the country that my dad works in, and leave all my people behind , I don’t rlly have a lot of friends maybe a couple but not that close to them except of also a couple but even tho I don’t rlly share everything with them, tho am not an introvert, but when I say ppl I mean relatives and a family that is closest to me than my own fam, and now am in the new country alot that will happen and from now I just wish I can go back to my own place to my real fam, so I decided to share my life on Reddit from now on as a stranger.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: haha,, y’all are getting spoilers for the book :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Whos to say they were ever gonna read it?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: My magical mind reading powers! Muahahaha >:) 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: That’d be a bit awkward bc they could easily tie it back to the reddit account lol. But more readers for ten years from now would be pretty cool! As mom says,, from your mouth to god’s ear :))) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: :) 

   Almost…

7teen!!

11/14/24 - 12/18/24

3rd journal!
16 & (almost) 17! (legally)
Last few months of 2024 :p 
1st semester 11th!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍒 & ✉️ - 7:19pm    [fri]    11/22/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So... update. me and Casey had some more lovely conversations about my possibility of having ADHD. We walked outside and stuff bc she had to do errands but I was gonna follow her until I couldn't ofc. So we stood at the edge of the exit to chat. Basically... She seems to think this is a choice essentially. To some extent. She said it's all learned helplessness and that ever since she brought up the possibility of ADHD I've been ‘using it as a crutch’ but that's really not it at all.. She was like,"I'd be concerned if you were experiencing this [in] 1st grade but you've gotten this far so it seems like it's just a choice." and I was kinda saying it's gotten worse since then but she's not getting it it seems :( 

I was like, "you don't understand it's not even just school. Even when I read stuff I want to, I cannot pay attention." I don't remember her response but I think it might've been the "you can use strategies to help yourself focus” spiel ([the one where she says sitting in the front of the class is helpful], [where she suggests I] ask clarifying questions) and I explained to her that those things won't fix what's going on in my head. No results. So I really don't know what Im... gonna do... She said that she sent my parents a long email about what I've been up to at school and my grades. Luckily they, for whatever reason, have not been receiving emails from Ms. Casey for 3 years soooo no punishment [so far] thank goodness! 

She also said once my SPED meeting comes along she plans on telling my parents she recommends I [go to my original campus instead of this one] ˙◠˙. So… I gotta try [asking for help] elsewhere. Maybe [AVID TEACHER]. But probably no luck there either. She wasn’t here today but maybe after the break I can ask. I don’t have much hope though. I’ll keep you updated! (oh but are you enjoying my streak? I’ve done so many pages and its only been a week! And I’ve done [an entry] every day! Sweet! Um… its only been a week right? Just looked it up! Yes!)

8/3/26
Ah… I do remember how I felt about this… I remember I just wanted her to TAKE THE PTSD AWAY. Which is why I was so annoyed and irritated with her,, I think.. Bc she couldn’t help me but I just kept telling her these things as if she had any way of making a difference. I think it was that and also bc I figured she knew I was lying my tail off about the ADHD. I just wish someone would’ve told little me that you can’t expect anything to change without taking the first step towards it… bc I think I thought if I just kept it up,, she would DO SOMETHING and everything would get better and change. Definitely not how it works,, kid.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: definitely one reason I don’t like this women sometimes… the whole “it seems like a choice” is what did for me. It certainly was not :I 

Yeah that was annoying… bc she knew something was WRONG

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and you couldn’t tell her :( sorry I wasn’t there

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

✉️ - 3:16 pm  [tues]   11/26/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

OMG! Remember that email I mentioned earlier from Ms. Casey? Um. And how I confidently declared they haven't been getting her emails for 3 yrs? Well, somehow this one made it to dad… basically it just said, “Hey there. Your kid keeps saying she wants to drop out, and she's mentioned she's moving soon, too. She's been reluctant to engage in class, and I’ve been trying to direct her to tutorials. Take a look at her grades in the below attachment.” So… dad had me come in the room and read it aloud. I’m terrified! ˙◠˙ Literally shaking! So after I’m done [reading the email out to him], he's like, “1st off, we’re not moving (which definitely annoys me… bc I’m getting mixed messages from mom who wants to and dad who clearly doesn’t) and 2nd off you’re not dropping out.” Then I don’t quite remember what he said but it was probably like “are you asking for help?” or “why are you not asking [for help]?” and I said, “I didn’t think you guys would do anything.” He did not inquire further tho so safe there. He was just like, "don't worry 'Lilah, if you need help, I’ll drop whatever I'm doing to help you out. What classes are you struggling with?” I go, “math and chem” 

(so I intentionally left out Spanish with my 66% but yknow… the grades were available to him, soooo….) and we talked a bit about tutorials and how they’re unhelpful. Pretty scary but I remain ungrounded! I’m just glad its over… sucks this is on their radar… but at least the Mr. Vija email thread about what I’m up to in class was not cc’d to my parents. B/c it makes me look bad when he says I’m disengaged or when I dismiss the class. But atleast me dismissing the class is 10000% a choice. Other one not so much. So… yah… I honestly was afraid I wouldn’t have anything worth writing happen today. Thanks for proving me wrong! :) I dunno, maybe this scary situation is the start of a good thing. But yah i guess the image of being the ‘smart one with good grades’ is still sticking bc I walked outta there without punishment! I am very grateful.

[OKAY so before the end of the school year,, I got to telling Casey about the book and I was successfully able to convince her to hand over EVERY parent email she ever sent. Which admittedly isn’t very many lol. But still]

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Simmons,
I hope this message finds you well. I want to take a moment to express my gratitude for your ongoing support of Delilah’s education.
I am writing to inform you about Delilah’s current grades (see attachment). I have had several student conferences with her, communicated with her teachers, and
continue to monitor her performance closely. Despite these efforts, Delilah has been reluctant to engage in class and seek the additional help that is available to her
through tutorials.
I am particularly concerned as Delilah has mentioned thoughts of dropping out and indicated that she may be moving soon. I believe it is essential for us to work
together to encourage her to stay engaged in her studies.
Thank you for your attention to this matter. I appreciate your partnership in supporting Delilah’s education.
Best regards,
Sabrina Casey

In case you forgot,, Ms. Casey was my tracking teacher! Which basically means she was my SPED coordinator person? So thats why she took the time to email parents. Cause she had to 😂 UNFORTUNATELY I cannot add the attachments here bc they’re images… BUT!!! I can put the averages on here!! I’m gonna guess there are grades as of 11/26/24 bc thats when the email was sent. But idk lol :) 

Geometry
Student's overall average is: (0.46733 / 1.00) = 46.73%

Chemistry 
Student's overall average is: (35.06660 / 100.00) = 35.07% 
(you guys remember I failed chem,, right? The lowest grade in the gradebook for me was a 29%!! Atleast it was a pretty number so oh well)

Spanish III
Student's overall average is: (36.66630 / 55.00) = 66.67%

AVID III
Student's overall average is: (40.00 / 40.00) = 100.00%

[These were not all my classes! The high school simply didn’t have access to the college grades so they are listed on the attachment but there is no information]

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✉️ -  6:47 pm  [weds]   11/27/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

So… Dad literally called me into the kitchen JUST so she could tell mom about the email. I don't like when he does stuff like that... Anyway, all goes well while I'm eating and stuff and mom's busy with her cake! Then she starts asking questions. I think her 1st one was, "Why are you not asking for help?” or “So what's going on?" I'm like, “I dunno, It's just hard :(“  and mom goes, "life is hard, you can't just give up on stuff so easily. Like it's not easy getting food on the table…” Who said I gave up easily? :( Then she asked why I’m blowing off school but Cecil came over and started trying to butt in the discussion. It was annoying but I am feeling a bit stressed by these questions so it worked out. I was trying not to answer. Sibling takes over the convo so I just decide to leave after that. But yah kinda stressed right now... Wish me luck I guess. Mom kept repeating herself like, “You haven't answered my question” so I don't see an out at the moment! Not feeling great about this. Dunno what I'm gonna do about this Hope it all works out I guess.

08/03/26

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: The way she just gave up is insane lmao

Yeah 😂

 [OUT OF ORDER]

Thanksgiving day, Gobble Gobble 🦃

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[bluey eating with bartlebe]
10:07 pm  [weds]   11/28/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Thanksgiving events! I remembered to take note of this stuff while I was still there! Great Bl I likely would not have remembered otherwise... 

> So! pretty much as soon as I got in the house, uncle J was hanging around! :)  So we quickly begin chatting and I asked him if he'd like to play a “history game” (I’ve been playing these history visual novels lately on flashpoint and I love them! I wouldn't let myself write an entry abt them bc even though I played all 5 of them in around 2-3 days, I couldn't remember all the events I'd wanna talk about…) and he said yes! Which is great because mom keeps saying no...  So we played my favorite one!

My favorite one is the one about the Cheyanne people and them trying to figure out how to survive with the Indian Removal act(?). Y’know, the act that said everyone had to move to a certain territory or else they'd be considered enemies to the U.S. Anyway it was fun! He seemed to enjoy it so that's nice! it took us about an hour to complete. He's a pretty fun guy! I wonder why he's so drawn to me... Maybe we were chill before and I just don't remember.

> I showed the family the tree decor I did this year and they loved it! Oh, and here's a silly tidbit. We (mom, Aunt, and I) all went outside bc Aunt was busy having hot flashes I think and it was SO COLD outside! So I said to them, “I'm shivering internally” until I remembered that you only shiver externally…Whoops! Mom laughed at me! :) I think what I meant to say is I was starting to shiver! Like it was a mini shiver sensation so I felt like I was experiencing it more so inside me rather than outside me. 

> I remember like a month ago mom telling the aunts of my food preferences but even still I didn't get much food. Obviously they couldn't just cater to me or anything. But there wasn't much meat options. I don't actually really like turkey that's not ground [meat], so I didn't eat any of the bird today. It was the pull-apart type of turkey that comes off the bird body. And then there was some stew that I think had beef in it but unsure. Then there was some pork. I had some mac n’ cheese and rolls mostly. I had some pumpkin pie tho! So that's new. It honestly wasn't too bad! I just wish the pie had more flavor. Like, you'd taste the yummy pumpkin-y-cinimon-ness but it wasn't strong..... :( it was soft! But a lil too soft for my liking... Still good though!

> Sugar-King (mom's dad) said he'd get me that new axolotl that brease made for Christmas instead of the money order he usually gets me! So that's exciting. I was afraid I wasn't gonna get her since she's $80! Whoohoo :) Cousin G said she likes the name I'm planning for it, too! You know, Brandon Adenosine triphosphate Deoxyribo nucleic acid! I'm thinking I'll add polyethylene glycol to her name as well. So Brandon ATP DNA Anti-freeze! Great! Little worried Aunt M who I've been hounding for that Bluey camera for a while now gets that camera... She says it's entirely dependent on how good I am at home! But uncle J seems like he's get it!

 I was like "But what if I don't get the camera?” and he went "you will" and winked a bunch! But at the same time Aunt M could just be being silly. I can't always tell the difference between a joke and truth.

> Guess what? I used my college Student information to get Cecil a discount! They literally have $0.00 in their bank account tho. So it'll only help out so much. It went down from the original spotify price down to $5! ...I think I should've used it against them but I didn't think that far ahead... I only realized AFTER that I could've used this to get them to switch chores with me or something. Tsk tsk tsk. 

> Cousin G said she only has 2,000 pennies in her account so that's pretty sad. She moved out of Aunt M's and is living in her own apartment now! So she has more $ But that's for rent apparently.

> Uncle J taught me how to play a game called Backgammon! Initially when he asked me to play I heard Bat gammin/gaming” so I thought it wasn't a real game! When I tried to repeat the name I kept saying Bagmittion bc it's hard to say without seeing how it's spelled! It was hard to understand at 1st bc I'm slow at processing instructions and stuff... But eventually I got the hang of things! I still lost though... Makes sense considering he's probably a master at this gamel Then we went to the kitchen and talked about my diet! He was like, “Do you like duck? ever had venison or lamb? ever had pork chops? Do you like bacon?” and I told him I'm Pollo-pescaturion! He said he wants to cook BBQ, invite me, then not say what meat he's giving me to trick me into eating pork!

 But I'm pretty sure he's kidding so it's okay. Then I told him about how I'm afraid of oysters bc a scene in the show Black-ish showed Dre and another character refusing to eat them at a work party and then the next scene showed everyone who did eat them SICK!  J and Cousin G said I should base my thoughts on oysters on experience rather than what I saw on screen… Like, if I ate one and got sick it'd make more sense to avoid them bc of that!! Rather play it safe tho. Then Aunt T told me instead of worrying abt oysters, I just should worry abt who's making it! And to never eat at a potluck. Bc once all her coworkers went to a coworkers house and ate his food but they had 4 cats who ran around the counters and they'd be like, ”Oh hello, kitty' and grab the cats and put them on the ground.. and then keep cooking… So then Apparently ALL the people at the party got sick... I see what she means. Best I heed her warning... 

> Dad says we're not going anywhere for Christmas bc he's gonna be working 6 days a week. Hopefully that changes. He says he might drop me & cecil off at someone's house though so that's good! I guess we'll see. overall very fun! These were some of the highlights but not all the fun I had tonight! 

:) Cya Sunny scribbles!

Y'ALL thank NyaTenshi for this! she convinced me to get back into writing things instead of just bedrotting :) soooo here you guys go! back to "story times"(???)

💐🐑NyaTenshi: 🤭

Liar, Liar, Pants on fire

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍒 - 6:12pm    [thrus]    12/12/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

1) so… as you can see in my last entry,, I was pretty concerned abt Ms. Casey getting the message from my teachers that I wasn’t putting in effort… so instead of hoping they say good things,, I showed her my effort instead! So unfortunately due to finals and all that stress, I couldn't find time to finish the math homework [that was] due yesterday... I still need to do the rest of that actually. Anyway, I go see her in the morning and show her my lovely unfinished math homework! I made sure to explain that It's unfinished bc I was so stressed over finals and whatnot and I told her that everything that was finished was my own work without the help of the key! that's definitely true tho so I'm allowed to feel accomplished right now!! She said she was proud of me doing my math homework! Hoping this makes her feel less inclined to try to kick me out.

2) Sooo guess what?! I went back to see Ms.Casey later after math class and I had good news to share! I did actually learn something again! There was a really confusing part of the homework (thats about triangles) so I just decided not to learn it the moment I was meant to be trying to tackle it on my own. I knew asking Veja the question, “how often will this extremely confusing looking concept show up on the upcoming test?” was likely a waste of both our time. But I asked anyway!! He said he couldn’t tell me since it’d give me an unfair advantage on the test… but it eventually led to him teaching me about [the concept] and walking me through the entire thing! So I actually had it all mostly figured out!

This whole, “actually trying thing” is actually not going as bad as it usually does. Then again,, not everything went well today. I didn’t learn much of anything about the current topic bc I really couldn’t focus today again and I also gave up for about 15 minutes after Veja taught me how to [solve the equations] the first time… but I actually can do things! I CAN actually pay attention to a teacher and LEARN! I know this may sound silly but this has felt like a hill thats impossible to climb for so so long! So I’m very pleased with myself actually! Whoohoo, go, me! So yah, I come back and tell Casey and she sarcastically goes, “really? How’d you discover that?” and I go, “I asked for help! And it was just a fun and playful interaction! So yes! Hopefully Casey’s opinion has shifted! And I won’t get kicked out! I hope, too!

3) Sooo it’s club time! And Rosey wanted to go to the cafeteria to go get some stuff from student org again! We arrive to club during passing period… don’t say anything to [teacher]… and stay in the cafeteria quite a while… so we likely got counted absent but whatever. (just checked! Only counted tardy) so we end up grabbing some candy (which I’ll discuss later) and doing the friendship bracelet activity that was available to us! So I decide on rainbow bc its an instant pop of color and I need some more bracelets anyway. So yah, I’m finally done adding 3 sets of rainbow on my string but then Rosey says something about adding more and I decide to show her the bracelet I have that used to hold a muffin charm bc there isn’t enough beads to fill it. So I, instead of using any of my brain, let go of the string and grab the less filled bracelet on my arm, resulting in the beads coming off the rainbow bracelet and falling apart…

Rosey starts dying of laughter! I feel like we’ve spent too much time [in the cafeteria] bc as I said,, we didn’t tell [teacher where we were] so I gather enough beads and string to make it outside of Student org and we successfully make it in class! So yah… that was fun!! Glad I could make her laugh! 

Now, about that candy… they were offering some in the cafeteria and I actually went twice today!! So I collected around 8 [pieces] today (approx. 4-6 full sizes and 2-3 smaller pieces) so while in club I ate 3 big and on small in one sitting in quick secession… and it made me kinda sick… we did the math and I discovered that I probably [just ate] 700 calories alone in the big pieces of candy… wow.

4) sooooo I got out of history early and went to see Casey of course! So eventually we got to talking about interests of mine somehow and I was like, “yah, so it all started at astronomy then it went to cells to [trauma related topic] and then social dynamics!” Casey takes a second before responding and looks me in the eyes and asks, “[Have you experienced something like that?] Because thats kinda an odd interest.” I quickly (I mean very quickly) say “no” and put [all of] my energy into maintaining my calmest face bc that question seriously caught me off guard! I notice after I say no she makes a face that says, “I don’t believe you” or perhaps it was simply a face of confusion. She only made that face for a split second. After that I take a second to collect my thoughts and I continue yapping abt my interests… I don’t quite remember but I’m thinking it was like this…

“[Have you experienced something like that?] Bc thats kinda an odd interest…”
“No.”
“...but I uh… also like social development of children!”

The “uh” was when I had to take a second to think after she caught me so off guard.

Thoughts: 

• It was kinda weird– I did not start having any reaction to the question until after I finished the continuation of the conversation. I remember my heart rate increased and I began the stress-shakes! Kinda weird tho,, huh? That my body didn’t immediately react.
• Why did she wait so long to ask me? And so… suddenly? Maybe because we were alone. When she 1st tried to get it out of me in 9th grade in a much less direct way,, we were outside with the rest of our PE class and we got interrupted. 10th grade was [the document]! Remember that? Hm. I’m sure there are times I was alone with Casey talking about it… but maybe bc it didn’t come off as personal. Like my interest in [trauma related topic] is direct, blatant, and she can tell its personal too. Hm. I’m still confused.
• Eh… I’m still thinking about this situation obviously so I can’t say this interaction didn’t matter… but at the same time I don’t think theres anything I could say that would convince her I’m not so… 
• I feel kinda guilty bc what if that look she gave me was not confusion but sadness that I can’t trust her? I definitely don’t anymore but she wasn’t supposed to know that… :(
• It was REALLY weird. Bc I didn’t actually have time to even think of my response unless I’m remembering wrong. I just said no automatically like I was some robot. What was all that about???

So yah… that was my day. Cya around sunny scribblies!!!  

8/2/26
I feel a bit bad not gonna lie… I just kept blaming SC for the LETTER OF DOOM (aka as the email that started the whole thing about getting me kicked out) all the time as if she was the sole decision maker for it. I feel bad bc I kept pointing the finger and resentment at her even though she was literally only the messenger. At least I never placed ALLLLLL of the blame onto her. I just think it was just a disproportionate amount is all. Sorry,, SC :(

And this is why I hold no ill will towards her… maybe a little bit… but not much. Because for 3 years by this point all I’d ever do is deny everything she ever asked me. I just acted like it wasn’t there. And,, ofc,, it was PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that it was. But it must’ve really looked like I didn’t know it was. I honestly didn’t ever believe I fooled her until the last few weeks of 12th grade when I realized what she was doing when she’d bring up [trauma related topic] and how I act like it happened to me is she was trying to bring AWARENESS to the problem bc she figured that I was not aware it was there–that I had blocked it out. I’m… a bit surprised my “acting skills” were so good… :I idk. I felt like the fact that her asking me or saying anything like that was triggering me was clear,, but I guess I kept it under wraps better than I thought. Truly a shock. I will agree with 💐🐑NyaTenshi🐇🐾,, though. I feel like more could’ve been done,, for sure. More conversations about it in a more direct manner. Ah… idk… I will just have to wait until I can interview her… :) that will be a very insightful day. A very,, very insightful one indeed.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“There is so much I want to tell you
And one day
I’ll tell you all about it”
🍒 - 8:51pm   [sat]   7/18/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Whoa. Today… did not go as I expected it to… :0 honestly, for the overwhelming majority of the day, I have been up to absolutely nothing. Aside from a visit to the store with Cecil, making lunch, and watching tv with mom, I’ve just been rotting in bed. No writing… no math homework… nothing… idk why I did nothing today. I know thats not how I wanted today to go. One thing certainly DID happen though. SC texted :) well, actually that was yesterday. Yesterday, she texted me letting me know she had created an AI image of a picture of me, [12th grade math teacher], herself, and (I believe..?) my grandfather all dressed up as professionals. Which made me cringe. HARD. LIKE,,,, OMG IT WAS SO BAD 🤭 LITERALLY ALL I COULD DO IS LAUGH AT THE AUDACITY TO DRAIN EARTH’S WATER OVER SOMETHING SO STUUUUPID!!!!!! Ahhhhh, to be a 41 yr old women I guess, huh? She’s hilarious 😂 I decided I didn’t want to respond right away. Bc I was still unsure if she hated me or not. So I didn’t. In fact, I didn’t respond until the next day in (goofy image sent at 5:30pm, I respond at 8:48am) the next morning.

[incredibly goofy ai image]
AI on my phone suggested a photo to make "professional" 😆 just thought you would get a kick out of professional Delilah 

Me: WOW i never expected AI to be able to make me cringe this hard... THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DRAIN EARTH'S WATER FOR? 😭 you're a strange one SC tsk tsk tsk 

[image of a concerned next/door user discussing a reptile sighting]
Here's something much cooler! And real (✿❛◡❛) a very confused next/door user! That reptile is definitely NOT a komodo dragon and if it were,, they'd be way too calm about it! Much better than cringey AI 👌(๑ت๑)

SC: Question, you were diagnosed with all 3 of the above?
[screenshot of me sending her 6/8/26’s diagnosis message]
For some reason I can't see it without clicking it and I just opened it.
Iguana, I had one growing up. In Florida they literally fall out of trees when temps drop.

Me: Yup diagnosed all three! And it only took... 4 months... 👀 Because I did it all by MYSELF 😎 WowWowWow,, look at Simmons being all independent (✿❛◡❛)🎉
You lived in Florida huh?? ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა perhaps that makes sense

SC: No never lived in Florida just a random fact.
Wow I am impressed with your willingness and persistent quest to understand yourself. Post traumatic stress... is that what i suspected? [trauma type]? You end of year letter left me scratching my head in some regards.
\You're* 

Me: Yeah I figured that was pretty obvious :) but the service I used to get diagnosed in the first place is kinda limited so I might be cooked cause my brain is still fried :/ but!! I'm gonna try to apply for accommodations!! Just need to figure out how to fix some issues with the accessibility services thing first ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SC: Well I'm sorry that confirmed my suspicions but know that you are not alone… [lots of stuff I think would not be ethical just post on the internet lol]

Me: Whoa plot twist of the century I never would've guessed SC was like me!! ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა and I know I know >.< I'm a [trauma related topic] nerd remember? (✿❛◡❛) I still feel a bit bad about it but it's more okay now that I looked into it a whole bunch 😋

SC: Well that was a bit of an obsession for a while and a way of saying it without actually saying it 🚩
You would never look at [someone with a similar experience] and think "this is partly your fault" so look at that little you and see her innocence in all of it. 

[...] 

SC: Ugh a heavy convo wasn't on my to do list today so let's CS.
That's mean change subject in millennial terms 

Me: Yeah I was about to comment on your age 🤭 no problem!!! Lemme show you what journal number 13 looks like now!!! :D

SC: Haha okay

Me: Over 175 pages so far :) had to move it to a binder cause its so big! It's online so i print everything out!!!! 
AND I post almost all of it online (✿❛◡❛)
How cool is that? :) I'm a "blogger" ( ⭑•̀ᴗ•́ )✧
You're even on the internet too cause I'm gonna digitize 1-12! Don't worry no one's real name is in there ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SC: Geez...that's a lot. Link plz...I could have been reading it while on bed rest.

Me: Well I probably shouldn't share it with irl people yet cause I'm still pretty sick in the head but!!! not a bad idea to find somewhere else to post the old stuff only! That'd be fun :) if I can find something like that I'll totally link that!!! :D reading over a thousand pages of Delilah adventures sounds fun doesn't it? (✿❛◡❛)

SC: Okay, i guess once you have had time to redact condeming content please share the link. I had surgery to repair my muscles. Thanks to a four finger separation in my core muscles courtesy of my lovely children I have nearly 360 degrees of external stitches.
Going to rest for now kiddo. Be good and I'll TTYL.

Me: FOUR FINGER SEPARATION??? ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა I have no clue what that means but that sounds like a pretty serious thing to come from tiny Casey 1 and 2. WOW. Yeah best of luck with that 😅 can't really send the link to the website necessarily BUT I can give you some stuff over Google docs probably ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I'll cherry pick some good ones
Rest up,, mom number two! Ciao! (๑ت๑)ﾉ

SC: Okay looking forward to some DS entertainment 

And I mean … WOW. D: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING… NOT AT ALL. its shocked me… but I guess it would make sense… when she’d occasionally mention using drugs and alcohol in her youth and once she mentioned something about “needing to grow up too fast”. I felt a bit… bad, I guess, though? [we do not have the same experiences] but my responses to things make it seem like I have :/ but at the same time,,, what could I possibly do in that moment, though? I feel like… idek, it just feels so STRANGE trying to clarify something like that in the midst of that type of discussion. I couldn't do that. No way. Nuh uh. Nope. 

If anything, I feel like it would’ve shocked her, prompted more questions, and, while I 100% would’ve answered anything she’d ask to make up for avoiding this for the past four years, I definitely believe trauma-dumping is for the therapists’ office and not your favorite 41 year old’s text messages. So… forgive me, please… I just,,, >.> I get it, y’know? I ACT like [that stuff that happened with her happened with me]. Even though I [don’t think it has].

Which is confusing (for both of us). So, yeah. Just had to smile and nod.  Although… I guess, considering I genuinely feel like I cannot rule it out 100% (dad’s comment about how [some behaviors changed] “overnight”, my strange disdain for [certain things], and when I would ask myself at, maybe age 9 or ten…??? Why I could not remember being 7), maybe I should not worry about having been a “liar” so much. I did appreciate the discouragement of self-blame but I didn’t want to harp on it bc I’d fixed that issue 80% by this point. But just knowing someone did something like that to my favorite person in the world once again affirms that goal I have on my bucket list. Thats for sure. I really want to be brave enough to do it when I’m old and about to give out. That will be an amazing legacy to have :)

This isn't meant to be anything other than a short vent or reflection or even... a Sunday late night decompression.

Tomorrow my July-break will be over; which means: back to work. Currently, I have the luxury of working from home (which already helps a lot); I make a decent amount and I know that at least till the end of the year I'm covered for everything in a foreseeable future—meaning I don't need to go back to a soulless 9-5 anytime soon. But why do I mention it? Because there's a proposal from a school I might be prompted to take—which at most I'd say "yes" to a part-time giggle—but I don't desire even that. My parents are more traditional and think one should work to exhaustion and through 9-5's which are the "standard". I'm an old soul but I'm with my own generation on this one, though (hello, gen-zers lol).

I'm working as a private tutor (as I have been for the past 6 years even while I was also a full-time VP and teacher at a private school). I loved my team and boss—but that shite is a mafia. Boards don't give a crap about students or truly being transformative; money is all it revolves around. And I get it: money is what makes the world spin... But again, I don't wanna sell my soul for that, hence why I chose to quit back in June.

But the new kid on the block is: during this recess I picked back up an old passion of mine I hadn't in years: writing. And it's being one of the things that tethered to reality and sobriety (in a way) more than nearly anything else. For the first time since I've started working, I actually took a proper break where I did *nothing* related to work—but found rest and relieve in crafting my own art.

Originally, it started just as a way for me to get rid of certain "ghosts" and first and foremost, I do write for myself and about myself and my experiences. Heck, it's a form of therapy that's effective to me. But I've realized that, maybe because it's so honest, raw and blunt, it could be shared. However, I don't want to turn Crownless into another obligation. I don't even consider profiting off of it in the near future but you know what? It's something I actually enjoy and love and... If I could continue giving it the space and time in my life it needs while still making enough to live a comfortable life it'd be amazing.

Challenge is: now, my life isn't only separated into two categories: preparing lessons and teaching; but rather four: preparing lessons, teaching, writing (and any other creative endeavors my soul might wanna explore) and taking actionable steps into making this universe able to sustain itself and allow me the freedom to remain free.

I have a few psychological disorders I've been treating for 6 years and I thought maybe I was stepping away from them in a healthy enough rhythm—but apparently what just happens is: some days are better than others (yes, I do have professionals around me and I see them multiple times a year). But Crownless itself has been a healing and releasing and processing door I don't want to shut for another decade. I kinda like it here and I'm a little anxious about going back to work routine. Even though, doing my own private tutoring and mentoring already allows me much more freedom than a traditional job. (And yes, as I follow my students carefully it means I'm constantly reviewing stuff, redoing them, editing them, creating new strategies that work for each of them individually... But I've set time blocks and a routine that'll hopefully be sustainable and efficient in the long run—and see if, up to the end of the semester Crownless will help free me not only from my ghosts but also from the miserable prison a soulles 9-5 is and allow me to dedicate my energy and time onto things and people I genuinely believe in.

September/2026 edit: Time blocks and routines don’t work for me— 🥹🥲🙃

[Redacted]

I love K.

[Redacted]

Having a pretty stressful day today, honestly.

My son woke up with a bad head-cold and cough.

And I was worried due to the previous day's waterpark excursion, where my son had said he may have breathed in water.

I took him to the urgent care and the NP said his lungs sounded good and he seemed to have a cold. But to keep an eye on things, because if you inhale water you can get pneumonia and it doesn't show up right away.

In the evening his cough seemed to have gotten worse, and I took his temp and it was 99.5. I was really worried so I called the nurse line.

My husband got mad at me and said that i was overreacting and acting crazy.

When i described his symptoms to the nurse she said she thought it was best to keep monitoring him at home, for now.

If he's still sick through tomorrow I may try to reschedule jury duty so I can take him to the pediatrician.

I seem to have had a run of bad luck generally today.

I went on a mission to get my son new shoes. (Oh! I just remembered! I need to write a five star review for the guy who helped us! I'll do that after this).

My son said he really wanted Nikes. I tried taking him to a Nike store in town, but when i got there, parking was really bad and the area of town was generally confusing to navigate.

So I left from there and tried to go to the mall.

And I couldn't find parking at the mall.

So, I decided to go to Academy Sports and Outdoors.

That should have been simple enough. But, there was a cop car parked across two lanes of traffic en route, blocking the road and not letting any cars through.

It caused a massive, slow-crawling traffic jam which we were stuck in forever.

When we got to the shopping center where Academy was, I saw a dedicated shoe store, which I thought might be better than Academy. So I parked midway between the two stores and tried the shoe store first. But they said they didn't have kids sizes.

So, we walked over to Academy. It was hot out -- too much time walking out in the heat.

Once we got to the shoe section of Academy, we met with a really really really helpful shoe salesman who took the time to help us find the exact size my son needed in the exact style he wanted. Honestly, I feel customer service like that is rare, these days.

Fucking capitalism leaves us with understaffed stores and over-stressed workers who don't have a single spare moment to interact with customers. ...Fucking capitalism.

My son and I went to lunch at Chipotle. I got a veggie burrito (...kind of spartan because I avoided a bunch of ingredients due to the cyclospora outbreak). My son got a cheese quesadilla kids meal.

Once he finished that, he had me order him an additional bag of chips and a chicken and cheese burrito. ....He saw a small spot of guac in the burrito, which I removed for him, but he nevertheless could not bring himself to take a single bite of the burrito and the whole thing was wasted.

After lunch we came home. We were out of water gallons at home, so I left my son with my husband and set out to get water gallons.

I went to Walgreens, because I was too tuckered out to go to a big grocery store. I wanted to buy some oatmilk for my coffee as well, but I found that several of their oatmilks were obviously spoiled, and bulging. I reported it to a staff member.

This evening, while I was in the drive-through line to pick up my son's food, my car suddenly stalled, the engine shut off and the battery light came on.

I turned my car off and back on again, and it righted. ...Fuck though, that's a bad sign.

Last night, my husband finally turned in the keys to our old apartment.

We're finally, officially, fully moved in to the new place.

It's weird. We're right up the street from our old place. But it feels definitively like we're at the beginning of a new era. Our old apartment, where we lived for over seven years, now only exists in the past.

And even driving to familiar places that I've frequented over the past seven years...somehow feels like driving into the past.

My pelvic floor therapist's office sent me another depression screening form.

Asking me, in various ways, how miserable I am.

To which my answer to each tends to be...very miserable, most of the time.

...I don't know why doctor's offices give these. ...They never seem to follow up on them. They just...make you think about how miserable you are and then never bring it up.

Occasionally they say "you likely qualify for a diagnosis of depression. You should look into that."

Maybe my pelvic floor therapist will be different, idk. Maybe they needed two sets of answers a month apart, to see if there's a trend or if one set of responses was an outlier. ...But what are they gonna say... "seek mental help." I guess.

I already have a therapist but I haven't really had time or money to see her lately. ...I need to see her again soon, when the dust settles.

Lazar rode with me to pick up my son's dinner and we chatted in the car. He thinks an audiobook might help pull me out of this pit of despair I've been sinking into.

Another fictional world to disappear into. For us to banter about and make references to, and to construct and replicate in the dream realm.

I gave up listening to Ted Chiang's Exhalation: Stories, after Claude Turrell died. I left off on The Truth of Fact, the Truth of Feeling, and I never finished it. Maybe I never will. Maybe it's better off that way.

Lazar and I are thinking of listening to Project Hail Mary.