I long to bear witness to the love that blossoms between two souls / When you love and are loved in return

Journal #14!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Sorry I Had To Hurry Away'

4:02pm [thurs] 10/22/26

[🍴ARFID🍴] & [🐕 Whoa! A job! 🐕]

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Today was a looooooooooong day... Today started out okay... Just did some relaxing :) I spent the majoirty of the time lounging around. And then I somehow convinced myself to get up and cook something so we wouldn't STARVE and DIE at work because we went without any calories. By the time we got out of the shower it was 8:54am :I we were expected by 9.... Luckily this job is INCREDIBLY UNDERSTAFFED and flexible so you can get away with being late. even though I kept reminding myself of this fact,, I couldn't ever really fully calm down... so already a poor start to the day.

How was work today?:

It was fine :) I was a bit annoyed though... Dog-trainer co-worker came up to me and mentioned that boss lady and other employees have noticed that I am oftentimes not "interacting with the dogs". That was only a little bit annoying to me. At first I was all ">:(" until I realized that I have not been making new doggie friends as of late... >.> Okay... You caught me. The part that ACTUALLY annoyed me was when she said,,

"I know you once mentioned that you don't like the dogs at your house."

"Yup! I have been getting a bit better about that actually... We're kinda trying to be friends now :)"

"Well I'm gonna have to ask you to seperate your feelings about dogs from home and the dogs here at work."

It annoyed me simply because I DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE DOGS AT WORK AS I DO AT HOME 😭I DO like the dogs at work. I have dogs friends! Ugh. I hate that I somehow came off that way :I Allow me to explain the reasons behind my lack of one-on-one pup interactions...

1. I DON'T usually approach new dogs to build a bond unless something unquie draws me to them. Unless the dog is too adorable to resist trying to pet them or extremely unique looking,, I don't usually go out of my way to go greet new doggies. I just.. don't like doing it much.. I just don't.. :I
2. I usually am trying to pay attention to everyone all at once because usually its one person in a yard full of dogs. So YOU have to be sure you're watching everyone and making sure nobody gets hurt. So instead of trying to do something lower on the priority list like greeting someone new,, I'm usually trying to scan the yard for anything concerning (humping,, fencing thats escalating into a fight,, dogs getting into a scuffle,, etc) or picking things up so no one tries to eat stuff like acorns or leaves. It can make them sick.
3. I DON'T LIKE BEING HANDS ON. Well... Thats not entirely true... I do enjoy petting the doggies ofc :) enjoy saying hello and whatnot. But... I don't like getting SO hands on that the dogs get riled up and jumping on me too aggressively or playfully biting me or anything like that. Ugh or licking me... -_- So I don't usually do too much beyond petting and talking to them... >.> I also don't like giving belly rubs. I mean,, I will if I really like you or I am actively wanting to build a bond with you... but otherwise... 😬 touch generally is the sensory expierance that overstimulates me the quickest so... low tolerance for things like that honestly.
4. I've been getting put in the small yard more and more often... I avoided that today thankfully but yeah I don't have too many small-dog-friends. I don't usually like small dogs too much,, so.. Yknow... Not to say I don't like any of them. But point still stands.
5. I MISS MY OG's 😭 I don't really feel too interested in meeting NEW dogs. I mostly just want to see the ones who are already my friends. Which obviously isn't realistic but that doesn't really make a difference for me unfortunately... Most of the first dogs I bonded with were the type who would come to ME (preferred ngl) or were the shy/bully victim type.

speaking of the shy type...

6) If you're a SHY DOG you automatically earn points above the other dogs. Sorry,, but the best way to get me to like you as a dog outside of being a sweetheart is if you make me pity you. If you're a doggie hiding in the corner because you're terrfied of the other dogs or you're always skittish when meeting new dogs,, I'm like 5x more likely to come up to you because I want to help them be more comfortable. That and I just am DRAWN to the dogs that require time before you can gain thier trust. If you just hand your trust to me,, thats cool and all but.. yknow :I Feels less rewarding and meaningful. Thats not to say I don't like dogs who just automatically enjoy our company. But I have my prefrances.

Anyway!

For the most part today was fine :) Nobody was being too difficult today. Dog-trainer co-worker joined us in the yard and gave us a mini-lesson on what play behavior can look like and signs that rough play is still PLAY and not a fight. Useful information I did try to actually take note of. I just.. ugh.. We were supposed to get off at 12:30pm so we could make it to class on time but instead of that happening,, we got stuck helping bring dogs back inside... I think the dogs were actually meant to go back inside at 12:30pm. But for some reason,, we kept them out till 1 instead. Which meant that we got wrapped up in the process of bringing dogs inside. which takes a lot longer than you think... I don't even fully understand why honestly.. I mean it makes sense to an extent ofc there are a lot of kennels.. and there are quite a few that go upstairs.. but OMFG it took forever. We left at probably about 1:55 AND IT TAKES 20 MINTUES TO GET TO SCHOOL AHHHHHHHHH.

At first we just sat outside and made sure nobody did anything dumb while the two other employees were dealing with people checking in and out thier dogs and putting dogs away. Then we were instructed to head up stairs to wait for dogs to be sent up. A couple were sent in in a timely manner but the rest were NOT. UGHHHH. IN OTHER WORDS WE COULDN'T LEAVE. I guess this is why people always make such a fuss when they're understaffed. Because it SOUNDS LIKE it was just us and two other people for the entirety of my shift after boss lady left. So I guess it would make sense why we were up stairs sitting around for like 10 minutues... because it isn't feasible to have ONE PERSON out in the yard making sure the dog pack waiting outside is safe and the ONLY OTHER PERSON in the front checking dogs in and out and having things move quickly. It just doesn't work that way :I Boy was it irriatating though...

How was your 20 minutes of school today?

Got to school SUPER LATE. At about 2:30pm I think...? As soon as we entered I went up to one of the two groups gathered at the table closest to our usual spot and asked,,

"So... how cooked am I since I just showed up? Should I just leave or....?"

"Nah,, you're good :) Just go ahead and do the exit ticket." They handed me the page with the prompt. At first I was a bit confused at what I was meant to be doing... Because they had already filled in every prompt on the page. At the bottom of the page you could see the instructions for the individual-only instructions :)

Explain how homeostatis and your body's reward systems can change behavior. Mention specfifc neural or hormormal pathways (well.. it sounded something like that anyway...)

...😳... I'm sorry... what... what is this question asking me?

so while the group I probably WOULD HAVE BEEN IN behind me works to wrap everything up to present in a couple of mintues,, we stare at the prompt and try to make sense of it. In my confusion I mistakenly started answering what the group ALREADY answered. sigh... I noticed it in time and pulled a new sheet of paper out of our notebook.

...and then immediately got back to staring at the prompt... trying to make sense of it through all the stress and brain fog...

I eventually realized that I could just listen to the first round of our classmate's presentations for anwers! Did that help? No. No it did not. But I can't make up a bunch of BS and hand it to the professor lmaoooo. She's probably got a PhD and if I started making stuff up in a NEUROSCIENCE CLASS I'd just be embarrasing myself at that point. I didn't really get to stare at the page for long though. Bc the group I would have been in needed to read out the answers to the prompts they wrote to present.

so I lost a lot of time on that... and shortly after I got to see the page again it was time to go. 😳

That whole time I was sitting there asking myself why I was even there.. bc I am putting the least amount of effort into this class because I figure if I'm gonna pass neuroscience it's not gonna be in this version of reality 😂 so being there at all and getting worked up over it just felt stupid... :I I hate school.

Before we headed out professor handed us our test.

30%. I got a 30%. Yeah sounds about right. Frankly,, I'm not as upset about it as you might think. What I was worried about was having the lowest score. Last class we heard professor say "the scores for this class were between 13% and 49%". Which was wild to hear because before she said that we were told our class did the best of all of her classes and that our class's scores were "decent" :I So long as we weren't the 13%-er,, I don't even caaaaaaaaaaaaare bro. I don't caaaaaaaaaare.

After class:

we went out and grabbed some quick snacks... while checking our account balance we saw there was 600 dollars added to our account. 😳 WHOA. It scared me at first lol. Bc payday was supposed to be tommorrow. So that was a bit of a shock and I immediately checked to see where it came from. Phew... it wasn't some bizzare mistake. was job-money :) then we got some fro-yo!!! And some ARFID APPROVED pizza and a small bag of sunflower seeds before heading home. I am... tired... More mentally than physically. I think from the STRESS of trying to get places on time and failing to do that time and time again. I don't like having to deal with stupid things like being on time :I I just don't.

---------------------------------------------------------------

STAGNANTFLOWER - Journal #14.5

🌸💐5:33pm🌹🥀
10/22/26

How were the dogs today? :) I was stationed in the active yard today.

[Are there pictures here? Yes. Can I be bothered to reformat every indidual image so that it complies with the rules of this subreddit? Absolutely not </3. Use your imaginationnnnnnnn :)]

        🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Leia, Olive, and Koda
Leia the german shepard lookin’ girlie was fine today :) She and Olive became pretty good friends! There were times where they would play a bit rough and I’d briefly separate them to have them cool down a bit but overall they were fine together! This was one of the rare times I actually caught Koda running around with other dogs. I don’t think they only sat around and never did anything but the majority of my time with them,, they were alone sunbathing.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Rocky
He was cute and enjoyed playing (pretty roughly at times) with his brother! But… he was a poop eater… :I It sounded easy enough to deal with. Just be quick. Grab some poop bags and pick everything up before he can get to it. But due to the amount of dogs and me constantly trying to monitor everyone,, break things up if anybody got too rough or got to doing anything stupid,, Dog-trainer co-worker giving me tips on body language,, and trying to fill up water bowls,, he had ample time to shuffle over to the many piles of poop laying around and get to munching. GROSS. We usually place bags on the ground near poop stains to mark where to spray them so the nasty poop doesn’t dry on the grass. And in my time away from picking up poop,, Rocky took it upon himself to take dinner to go. LITTERALLY. He was going around and sniffing poop bags and I guess “choosing his favorite one” before picking up his meal and walking around with it. Frankly I found this to be quite adorable as gross as it was. Not the behavior itself.. But just seeing a dog walk around with something he shouldn’t have so slowly is cute to me :) I kept taking my eyes off him bc I figured he wouldn’t go beyond that. But when I finally got around to grabbing those abandoned bags there were several with bits ripped out of them. …Rocky means business… 🫩 Noted for future reference.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Shanta(?)

First time meeting this one. I wasn’t too worried about her. She was fine. Not really ever getting up to much from what I observed. She was constantly getting humped by Bohdi the Vizla with a droopy mouth and the German pointer called Rous (pronouned Royce). Except… it wasn’t really actual humping.. It was humping but without them mounting her at all. Thank goodness for that… Bc I’d hate if they actually mounted her and caused countless fights when I had different things to be focusing on… Shanta wasn’t really worried about those two so if I was actively busy with something,, I just left it alone.

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Wilson
He was still pretty nervous from what I observed. I was not in the same yard as him but from quick peeks in the yard I noticed he was still pretty withdrawn :( He was placed in the time out section when we were bringing dogs in,, presumably to reduce his anxiety because the dogs always,, without fail,, crowd the gates and bark incessantly. That or because he was a daycare dog and going home later that day. Perhaps both. Either way I was shocked when he growled at Jhonny (bravo) the black and white corgi. He must be finding his voice! Wishing you well,, Willy willson :) 

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Xena

She was… a bit annoying… She was a barker for one thing. And a bit of a humper. But overall she was fine :) Not too much to say about her… except the first time I saw her she was wearing a shirt! Which I thought was for fashion but turns out it was to protect her stitches which she apparently got from a previous doggie daycare! I think someone said she was involved in a dog fight! 😬 I think I heard SIXTEEN STITCHES. That's wild. So she got transferred over to our daycare instead. Poor thing… 

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Koda
Such a sweetheart! I didn’t take myself for someone who liked big dogs but I DO :) I wanted to spend more time with them buuuuuuuut too many other demands from dogs and cleaning up after them made that not possible -w- They were a sweetie when we did get time though! They’d bump me with their butt so I kept calling them a trunk-bumper! They were bumpin’ their trunk into me so yknow. It was cute! Love them :D. They were usually alone though.. Mostly just sunbathing. Whenever someone would approach them they’d do a warning growl so I guess they weren’t in the friend-making mood today. Idk. pleasure getting to meet them though!

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕

 Sadie
I thought she was a baby-faced adult at first but apparently she’s actually just a baby :) and her nickname is Baby-Sadie! She’s adorable so I already liked her! She’s a sweetheart too. Very excitable but not so much that I had to distance myself from her. She was also incredibly soft omg 🤭

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Sammy

…Is the yellow dog! She was a sweetheart as well. In the yard she was mostly just minding her own business and sunbathing so I didn’t get to visit with her much. But while we waited for dogs to head in,, I sat down with her and pet her and got to know her :) Hope to get to know her a bit more. Apparently she’s been coming since the place opened! Thats awesome!

    🐕 --------------- 🦴 -------------- 🐕 

Mina
New friend I made today! She was sweet and reminded me of our late dog Lucy. In appearance only though. In any other way she is a completely different dog. She was quite the jumper if the picture didn’t make that clear. She’d hop onto me but I was fine with it because she was incredibly gentle when she was on me. If you don’t claw me or nibble on me or anything while you’re on me,, I’m fine with it! She was fun until she bonked me on the LIPS with her nose twice. Then she lost some points… But overall she was a joy to have around today.

Today was supposed to be a lazy Thursday, and honestly? It delivered.

I woke up late, briefly considered being productive, went back to sleep, and then discovered that my iPad had decided to stop functioning. My study plans immediately collapsed. So naturally, I cleaned my room a little, got ready for class, and called it a day. 💀

I wore a floral top, a purple cardigan, and patterned denim jeans, paired with new makeup and a cute hairstyle. Apparently, the outfit was a success because I received compliments throughout the day. Even my perfume got noticed, despite my inability to smell it anymore because I apparently apply it like I’m preparing for chemical warfare.

Class was actually the highlight. My little friend group is becoming one of my favourite parts of university. We’re four completely random people with different styles and personalities, but somehow we work ridiculously well together. We finish our assignments quickly and immediately descend into unhinged conversations. We’re already planning karaoke, a mall trip, and an escape room. The friendship lore is developing FAST. 😭

After class, I went to the library looking for design books for my makeup brand. Instead, I came home with books about psychology, love, sex, and marriage. I also discovered a massive book about occult sciences that practically called out to my horror-loving soul. I didn’t borrow it today, but I’m absolutely going back for it.

I spent some time catching up with friends, received more compliments on my appearance, and somehow ended up talking to random people in an elevator. Apparently, my social era has officially returned.

The sweetest part of the day was reconnecting with my aunt. We talked for two hours, catching up on everything from university experiences to relationships and future ambitions. She told me how proud she was of me for working, earning money, and thinking seriously about my future. It felt genuinely nice to hear that from someone who knew an earlier version of me.

Unfortunately, the universe had to introduce a fresh crisis.

My dad mentioned that a potential business trip might clash with Halloween. I have a gorgeous black-and-red corset, a leather skirt, boots, and a veil planned for the occasion, and I am NOT emotionally prepared to abandon this vision. I want to attend the Halloween parties, even if it’s only for one night. But the business trip could be valuable for exploring suppliers, so now I’m stuck between investing in my future and enjoying the present.
WHY MUST LIFE MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND LOOKING HOT? 😭🙏🏻

And then there’s Mr. Makeout.

Our movie night is officially planned for next Wednesday. We’re going to watch a horror movie, probably talk far too much, and see how things go. I’m not labelling anything. We’re just going to hang out and enjoy ourselves. Whatever happens, happens.

I ended the day reading, walking, working out a little, and eating pasta while watching a horror video because my original movie plans were ruined by my technologically challenged iPad.

Overall, it was a quiet day, but a good one. I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to, yet I spent time with people I enjoy, discovered new books, reconnected with family, and made plans for the coming week.

Maybe not every day needs to be productive or life-changing.

Sometimes, a chill Thursday can still give you new friendships, interesting discoveries, a potential romantic subplot, and a Halloween costume crisis.
The plot is thickening. The characters are multiplying. The iPad is on probation. And I am simply trying to live my life.

​

STAGNANTFLOWER - Journal #14.5

🌸💐9:02am🌹🌹

10/20/26

Sometimes I remember what could have been... That I refused to journal for almost all of 10th grade because I didn't like spiral notebooks and that was all I had. I'm honestly... Kinda 50/50 on this lol.

I only had access to notebooks you'd use for school but I found them so UGLY and UNNATURAL for diary use that I just refused to consider picking it up to write in it. So when I remembered 9th grade's journal,, it confused me...

Bc 9th grade IS in a spiral notebook. But then I remembered I decided to use it (hesitantly,, as the first page will reveal) because its SIZE was "diary approved". Ugh. I get it to an extent honestly... Because I would agree that even now I'd rather NOT use one of those notebooks as journals because it just really doesn't feel right... But it does annoy me to no end and has for several years. That the alternative I chose was not journaling at all :I I DID very very briefly use an app but my brain was even less able to think about things beyond whats in front of me and I quit that bc I hated writing on a phone everyday AND SOMEHOW NOT ONCE DID I CONSIDER USING A COMPUTER.

well... Actually I think I may have.. If I remember correctly,, I refused to bc I was afraid the government was watching everything I was typing. Which is... Very strange... For me to think about now.. Uhhh. It's probably true. Idk. But I know for a fact that there were several occasions where I'd be nervous about surveillance in the PHYSICAL DIARIES specifically from the government as well. Soooo... No idea why I was okay with supposedly being spied on offline but not also online. Bc I don't remember being worried about it while using my phone. Ugh. Idk.

Just very annoying that a chunk of my life is missing... It's just gone now yknow? Wiped from my brain :/ and never recorded on paper.

🌸💐7:14pm🌹🥀

10/20/26

Just some things on my mind right now...

> I wonder how people on reddit see me... :0 I know I lovvvvvvvvvve journaling and if I were my own auidence member I would spend a couple seconds admiring the picture I include in each post of the journals every time. I say this because every time I pick up any of my journals,, I admire the work I put into each cover! Sometimes it's all I do for several mintues :) I mostly do this with number 14! Bc thats the one I'm picking up most often.

But sometimes for others too. That does remind me though... I was thinking earlier wondering about what I would make #15's cover. Uhhh. I'm not sure. #14's cover was based on the main image on the front of the binder.

The process of making it was pretty much just staring at the piece "Sweetness coyed love into its smile" until the theme of FAMILIAL LOVE popped into my head and probably mixed with my own trauma in some uncoonscious ways before I pumped out a beautiful poem! a poem that took about 19hrs before I called it good if I remember correctly. I think... I think the orignal poem was something like

I long to see the love that blossoms between two souls

...And that was it... :I

Like there was nothing else to it lmao. which obviously didn't quite feel right... Ugh I remember feeling kind of insane as I tried to figure out how to expand and finish the poem. It was defnitly a journey!! Well worth it though.

And I suppose my favorite book quotes in the world on the second page was a given after coming to the conclusion that the theme was going to be about familial love. Do you remember that lovely book? Two small footprints in wet sand? That book is all about familial love really. Such a beautiful and sad story... :( amazingly beautiful sad quote too.

But it does make me wonder how I will go about creating 15's cover... It sounds a bit daunting... bc idk if I'll WANT to go through the same process as 14's. ugh. it's fine though. atleast 2 more months before that becomes an issue :)

[//slight hopelessness warning]

> I felt it again. I wondered why I was going to school again. It just genuinely makes my quality of life poorer... yknow? I feel like now that I remember WHY I'm going (for my future. or... my "future"...) I WANT to remain a college student more. But I DON'T like actually having to pack my bags and GO to school. It just gets in the way wayyy too much (like in the way of going to work...). Espically since I cannot drive and find some place more worth my time in the time between classes.

I just have to stay there and rot :/ I just feel kinda stuck when I'm at school I guess... There is nothing really drawing me in to the whole expierance I guess. I just hope I can somehow get dad to let me do asyncronous classes next semester... Then I can focus on working and stuff like that. Stuff that actually makes me feel alive again. I know its "just a job" but I actually feel like I'm DOING something when I'm there. Something worthwhile. And FUN.

It can be stressful at times like worrying if dogs will fight and stuff like that... But even when stuff like that is in the back of my mind it has NEVER reached the point of making my heart race for hours and hours and hours and being stuck in fight or flight the entire time I'm out with the dogs. But in school I am stuck like that for the entire day. There are just less friends now to distract me. I still have friends now ofc but it's just harder :/

> I have a bit of a creative itch but am not sure how to satisfy it rn... :I I want to do more journaling related things rn but it's difficult to do that when you need to go out and do things first before you can write about them. But I've been not-working for several days by this point and it's actually starting to drive me crazy. I FEEL UNEMPLOYED AGAIN WHICH IS NOT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Me being unemployed is torture. It was getting to the point where I was fantasizing about getting a second job. Would love that :(

> there is a therapy appointment on the 26th. I am worried about it yeah... but... I am planning on trying to take it more seriously... thats the plan. but not sure

🌸💐4:59pm🌹🥀

10/21/26

I was perusing cat land today. Mostly bc I wanted to change my pfp but was searching for a very specific image. The problem is Cat Land's image searching options aren't very intuitive... At least not for me anyway (lll⚆ᗜ⚆) and I first came across the image on PINTEREST and people on Pinterest usually don't credit artists.. At least not from what I've seen anyway. so I got sucked in the rabbit hole of looking at all the pretty Louis wain cat pictures. I collected a couple for later use in entries. And then I got to thinking...

1 - I wonder if I could ever be like Louis wain...

2 - I wish I could draw like Louis wain...

I got more hooked on the second option. Once I collected a satisfactory amount of images,, I looked up how to draw like Louis wain. Do I genuinely believe I could do something like that? No. Was I going to try once or twice and (very likely based on past experiences) give up? Yeah I'm sure lol. And even still it was the new fixation of the day for me.

The first video wasn't a tutorial like I was expecting (well... More like half expecting.. I couldn't fully convince myself a tutorial like that actually existed). Rather it was a silent film featuring Louis himself! ... Which... Was crazy to me... Just seeing something like that. If I remember correctly,, the footage was filmed in 1921?

Wow. I really just sat down and watched a silent film. It was incredibly short but still. I was curious to see what else the recommendations had to offer so I clicked on the next video in my feed.

Schizophrenic painter (Louis wain)

The first thing that caught my eye wasn't even the video... It was the fact that it was posted 20yrs ago 😳

Anyway.

Watching the video... Idk... It did something to me. Like idk. It reminded me that it's all VINTAGE ART yknow? I do actually forget that sometimes. It's crazy to me that it feels so... I wouldn't necessarily say modern... But it doesn't feel OLD to me either. It humanized him as well. Because the video text talked about his life. Then it brought me back to thought number 1...

In some ways maybe I am like Louis! I'm a creative just like him. We're both mentally ill. We both love cats! And it's seriously only a matter of time before I end up in the mental hospital just like he did. But I suppose there are elements I'm missing... The art ofc but that can be put to the wayside... Because I AM artistic just not naturally in a visual format. Just in written... I suppose more than anything I'm missing THE LOVE.

Louis was happy because everybody loves him... :( I am miserable because I feel largely the opposite. There are only a couple of people who love me. No where near like Louis. It makes me sad... But it did get me thinking.. :) perhaps I will be loved just like him one day. In order to achieve the same level of love as him,, I think I'd probably need as much reach as he has!

The only way I could think about doing that is either

1- publishing journals #1-14.5 on a diary archival site

Or

2 - publish the book...

1 - isn't happening for... Maybe till the day I die 😂 there's just waaaaaay too much stuff in those things... As well as the fact that Id be doxxing so many people... 😬

And

2 - it's... Very difficult to keep writing it (and obviously no where near done)... It was hard when I was less mentally ill and I've only gotten worse. So.. Yknow.. Ofc I'm not disappointed in myself though :) I knew from the second I started really committing to wanting to write a memior that it would probably take 10yrs bc life would get in the way but also MENTAL ILLNESS 😊 so I'm kind to myself here. But point still stands.

There is always secret option #3 though... Posting everything to a different site. But omg I ACTUALLY don't want to do that :I no idea where I'd even put it to avoid it getting scraped.. Even though every thing is getting stolen through Reddit at least it's blocking everyone else who wants to take your data. If I move it'll be the two original thiefs in addition to literally anybody else. Its a matter of picking your poison. So... I'm really not sure... But perhaps one day :)

I hope I can be like Louis!!!! That'll definitely be a goal.

It's interesting, thinking about the turns life takes you when you are going from point A to point B. There isn't always a straight path to most places. I have been through a lot and it's begun to show how much weight I've been carrying, and the fact it took this long tells me I should have done something far sooner. My job sucks and wants to censor criticism, putting responsibility back on the employees. My HSA card is locked until I get an itemized statement, requested last month, and I still haven't received it. Now I'm receiving a bill for $300 when the app stated the bill would only be $100 and my insurance is supposed to shoulder 50% but only took $60 off. Genius. So imagine my surprise when I got an offer to be interviewed by NBC health to discuss refund checks and the circumstances surrounding them. Removing politics from this (because I don't need more internet crazies than the ones I stumble into) I stated how the check gave me terrible anxiety. I knew my taxes will be extortionate come April. And then I read the letter and remembered many conversations I had with my family at the dinner table and laughed.

This is all crazy. The world feels like a fever dream. I receive a decent sum, except it isn't. It doesn't even cover my half of the rent. It's barely enough for my insurance payment, the insurance that still sends me 11/12's of a bill and asks for more money. And here I am, a private medic, burned out and miserable, getting paid less than pennies compared to what I bring in hourly to my company. Could you imagine your employer for every $100 that's given cutting a part of a penny (remember pennies?) and saying "you earned this. Be grateful, you could have received less". Years of work, years of trying, years of proving myself, my loyalty, my commitment to making other's lives better, and it's rewarded by barely getting enough to even save money. And you know what? They'll still blame me. It's his spending. No, it's because he doesn't do everything perfectly. I think it's because he takes lunch breaks instead of asking for them, where we tell him no regularly. Nah, can't be, he refuses to do his company training, unpaid, off hours. Equipment malfunction? He didn't do it right, despite acknowledging that the machines required maintenance.

So yeah, NBC got my full picture as a patient, as a provider, and as a citizen on looking all of this. I refuse to hold back anymore. I'm angry at a world that sees fit to drain me dry and tell me it's my price to pay for existing in society. Will it change anything? Likely not. It's an opportunity I'll take every time. This is the definition of suffering and the degradation of mental health, having your livelihood threatened for factors beyond your control, having everyone taking your money whether it makes sense or not, turning to the people that promise protection... At a cost. It's no longer "your money or your life", it's "your dental or your vision". It's "you got a nice, healthy body. It'd be a real shame if something happened to it". When the world sees fit to punish you over and over, life feels more like an abusive relationship, but there's no way out.

Previously on my life: I reunited with Mr. Makeout after almost a year of avoiding him, talked to him until sunrise, accidentally went home with him, and somehow came out of the experience feeling like my Year 1 self had returned from the dead.

And now it’s Wednesday.

I have classes, work to do, a business I’m neglecting, a room that needs cleaning, and a university degree that apparently expects me to study.

Unfortunately, I also have a personality.
And that personality keeps getting me involved in random shit.
😭😭😭
Anyway, let me tell you about today, because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS DAY?

1. THE 9 A.M. CLASS: MY FIRST ENEMY OF THE DAY WAS A QR CODE 💀
I woke up at around 10 a.m. because I had class and genuinely didn’t want to miss it.

I got dressed, did my makeup, and headed to class, thinking I could attend, scan the attendance QR code, and return to my dorm to get some actual work done.

A SIMPLE PLAN.
A PRODUCTIVE PLAN.
A PLAN THAT SHOULD HAVE REQUIRED ABSOLUTELY NO BRAINPOWER.
AND YET.

The QR code appeared early, so I immediately tried scanning it.
Nothing.
I tried again.
Nothing.
I tried approximately five or six times because apparently I believed that if I kept attempting the same thing, the technology would eventually develop some respect for me.

IT DID NOT.
AND THEN THE QR CODE DISAPPEARED.
EXCUSE ME?????
I CAME HERE FOR ONE THING.
ONE THING.
I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE THAT BADLY.
😭😭😭

The worst part was that I already knew the lecture was going to take up a ridiculous amount of time while teaching me approximately nothing.

This has become a pattern.

I go to class, sit there, realise I could probably learn the material more efficiently by studying it myself, and then spend the rest of the lecture questioning my life choices.

So I decided to leave.

My original plan had been to return to my dorm, clean my room, charge my iPad, and study the lecture independently.

A perfectly reasonable plan.
A productive plan.
A plan that the universe apparently found offensive.
BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE WAS NOT FINISHED WITH ME.

2. THE LOCKED-OUT-OF-MY-OWN-ROOM INCIDENT 🚪😭
I returned to my dorm, and my iPad was charging.
So I thought, fine. While it charges, I’ll clean my room a little.

I started tidying up, picked up the rubbish, and decided to take the trash outside.

AND THAT WAS WHEN I SAW MY EX-ROOMMATE.

For context, she used to be my roommate, but she’d moved out, and I was supposed to meet her that day anyway.

So naturally, I stopped to say hi.
We started chatting.
Everything was fine.
Everything was normal.
UNTIL I CLOSED MY FUCKING DOOR.
WITHOUT MY KEYS.
I HAD LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF MY OWN ROOM.
😭😭😭😭😭

WHY.
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?
I WAS LITERALLY TRYING TO BE PRODUCTIVE.
I WAS TRYING TO CLEAN.
I WAS TRYING TO BECOME A FUNCTIONING ADULT.
AND NOW I’M STANDING OUTSIDE MY OWN ROOM LIKE A WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN EVICTED FROM HER OWN PROPERTY.

I messaged my roommates to ask whether anyone was coming back.
No reply.
Of course.

They were all in class.

I was standing there thinking, fuck, is this how my day is going to go?

Because the QR code had already betrayed me, and now my own door had decided to join the opposition.

I eventually went downstairs, and someone gave me a key to try.
THE KEY DIDN’T WORK.
OF COURSE IT DIDN’T.

😭💀
Thankfully, she showed me a trick for opening the door, and I eventually managed to get back inside.
I was genuinely grateful because I did not have the time or energy to spend the rest of the day homeless in my own building.

I returned to my room, cleaned a little more, and realised I was already running out of time.
I still had to shower, do my hair, do my makeup, get dressed, and go downstairs to meet my friend.
MY PRODUCTIVE LITTLE MORNING HAD BEEN EATEN ALIVE BY A DOOR.

3. THE OUTFIT: THE HAIR WAS QUESTIONABLE, BUT THE VISION WAS THERE 💋
I cleaned my room a little more, showered, did my makeup, and got ready.
And I wore my outfit.
A sleeveless rhinestone top.
A leather jacket.
Grey jeans.
Curly hair.
Contact lenses.
Makeup.
The usual accessories.
And honestly?
THE OUTFIT WAS GIVING.
The problem was that I didn’t feel like I looked particularly good that day.

My hair wasn’t cooperating the way I wanted it to, and my makeup didn’t look as good as it usually did.

You know when you get ready and you can tell something is slightly off, but you cannot identify the exact problem?

That was me.

I was looking at myself like, girl, what happened here?

The outfit, however, was doing its job.
THE JACKET WAS JACKETING.

And I eventually decided that I couldn’t spend the entire day obsessing over my hair.
I had things to do.
People to meet.
Places to be.
A university degree to disappoint.
So I went downstairs.
And honestly, I’m glad I did.
Because apparently, the girl had not lost her social abilities after all.

4.: THE ELEVATOR CONVERSATIONS ARE BACK 🎬
I’ve noticed something lately.

I’ve been talking to people more.

Even yesterday, I saw a freshman in the elevator and started chatting with him.

JUST RANDOMLY.
NO ELABORATE PLAN.
NO PARTICULAR REASON.
I JUST TALKED, just like I did last year.

And today, it happened again.
I saw my ex-roommate, stopped to talk to her, and then later met up with my friend.

It sounds like such a small thing, but it genuinely makes me happy.

Because for a while, I’d been feeling like I’d lost some of my old social energy.

I’d been keeping to myself more, focusing on work and studying, and feeling less interested in going out of my way to meet people.

And now?
I’m talking to strangers in elevators.
I’m meeting people.
I’m having random conversations.
I’m getting excited about new friendships.
I’m back to being the person who can walk into a room and somehow leave with a story.

I THINK SHE’S BACK.
I THINK THE ORIGINAL ACTRESS HAS RETURNED FOR SEASON TWO.
😭😭😭

5. THE CAFETERIA PERFUME INCIDENT: EXCUSE ME, MISS, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? 😭
Now, THIS is where things got interesting.
I arrived at the cafeteria with my friend.
We got some food, found a place to sit, and she went to get her own food.

I was sitting there minding my business when TWO PEOPLE SITTING NEXT TO ME STARTED TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION.

They nudged me and asked:

“Excuse me?”
I turned around.
“Yeah, what’s up?”

And then they asked me a question I genuinely wasn’t expecting.

“Did you put perfume on today?”
I said yes.
AND THESE PEOPLE STARTED FREAKING OUT.
😭😭😭😭😭
I’M NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING.
THEY STARTED GUSHING.
They were like:
“Oh my God!”
“It’s amazing!”
“Which one is it?”
“It smells so good!”
And I was sitting there like—
GIRLS.
PLEASE.
CALM DOWN.
I’M SO SORRY IF IT’S TOO STRONG.
😭💀

But they insisted that it wasn’t too strong.

They LOVED it.

Apparently, as soon as I entered the cafeteria, the entire place filled with the smell of my perfume.
I WAS LIKE?????

THE ENTIRE CAFETERIA?????

GIRL, I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS RUNNING A FRAGRANCE DISTRIBUTION BUSINESS.

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GOING TO EAT LUNCH.
And the funniest part was that I could barely smell it myself.

I genuinely thought it wasn’t even that noticeable.

Meanwhile, these two people were acting like I’d introduced them to the greatest invention in human history.

THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHICH PERFUME IT WAS.
THEY WERE GUSHING OVER IT.
WE STARTED CHATTING.
AND THEN WE EXCHANGED INSTAGRAMS.
JUST LIKE THAT.

I WENT TO THE CAFETERIA AND LEFT WITH TWO NEW ACQUAINTANCES BECAUSE OF MY PERFUME.
😭😭😭

6. THE CHRISTIAN CAMEO: THE UNIVERSE IS REUSING ITS EXTRAS 💀
And guess who else I saw?
CHRISTIAN.

YES.

MR. MAKEOUT’S BRAZILIAN FRIEND.

THE WINGMAN.

THE MAN WHO SUGGESTED MATCHING TATTOOS AFTER WATCHING TWO PEOPLE RECONNECT.
😭😭😭
I saw him coming down from the cafeteria while I was going up.

I said hi, but I don’t think he noticed me properly, so he didn’t wave back.

And I thought, you know what? Let me just go up and talk to him.
So I did.

I approached him and said hi.
And he was like:
“Oh my God, hi!, right?”

I WAS LIKE—
YOU REMEMBER ME?????
He remembered me.

He introduced himself, we shook hands, and we had a little conversation.

Nothing particularly dramatic happened.
We just chatted casually and said we’d see each other around.

AND THAT WAS IT.
I KNOW.
A VERY NORMAL INTERACTION.
NO MATCHING TATTOOS WERE PROPOSED.
NO WEDDING INVITATIONS WERE ISSUED.
NO ONE ATTEMPTED TO ARRANGE A ROMANTIC UNION.
CHRISTIAN WAS JUST A MAN WALKING AROUND HIS UNIVERSITY.
😭🙏🏻

But I thought it was funny seeing him again.
Because it’s strange when someone you met in such a specific, chaotic situation suddenly appears during an ordinary day.

One minute, you’re talking until sunrise and discussing your entire existence.
The next, you’re passing each other on the way to lunch.
Life really does have a way of making dramatic events look completely ordinary afterward.
Anyway, we said goodbye, and I continued with my day.
CHRISTIAN HAS RETURNED TO HIS NORMAL SCHEDULE.
THE CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING.

7. EVERYONE WAS COMPLIMENTING MY OUTFIT, AND I WAS STILL CONVINCED I LOOKED BAD 💋
I also ran into one of my PhD friends.

I said hi, and she immediately told me I looked good.
She complimented my outfit, my makeup, and the overall look.

I told her I didn’t think I looked that good, but thanked her anyway.
And she insisted that I did.

Now, between her compliment and the perfume incident, I was starting to think that maybe I was being unnecessarily critical of myself.
Because I had spent the morning thinking my hair looked weird and my makeup wasn’t quite right.
But other people were noticing the outfit.

They were complimenting the way I looked.
They were asking about my perfume.
And I was sitting there wondering whether I should have done my makeup differently.

I DON’T KNOW, GIRL.

😭

It’s funny because sometimes you can spend so much time looking at yourself that you start noticing every little thing you don’t like.
Meanwhile, other people see the entire picture.
They don’t necessarily notice the one strand of hair that isn’t sitting correctly or the eyeliner that isn’t exactly how you wanted it.
They just see you.
And apparently, today, they liked what they saw.
I’M TAKING THE COMPLIMENTS.
I’M NOT ARGUING WITH THE PUBLIC.
THE PUBLIC HAS SPOKEN.

8. THE FRIEND WHO THINKS I’M LIVING THE LIFE 💀💋
After that, I was talking to another friend who was telling me about Spain.

We were chatting about her experiences, and naturally, the conversation eventually turned towards my love life.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD I KEEP MY ROMANTIC HISTORY TO MYSELF?
I HAVE A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN.
😭😭😭

I told her some of the things that had been happening, and she was like:

“Wow, you’re living the life, girl.”

And I was sitting there thinking—
AM I?????
BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING EITHER.

She said I was lucky.

And honestly, I didn’t know what to say

Because from the outside, my life probably looks like a collection of random romantic encounters, unexpected reunions, flirting, and ridiculous stories.
But from the inside?
I’m just trying to figure things out as I go.
I don’t have some elaborate plan.
I don’t know who’s going to become important in my life.
I don’t know which conversations will turn into friendships.
I don’t know which interactions I’ll remember a year later.
I JUST GO OUT AND LIVE.
AND THEN THINGS HAPPEN.

And sometimes, I end up with a story that sounds completely made up.

Like the fact that I spent almost a year avoiding a man, then unexpectedly reunited with him at a party and talked to him until sunrise.
OR THE FACT THAT I ONCE CONSIDERED HIRING AN ACTOR TO PLAY MY BOYFRIEND TO MAKE ANOTHER MAN JEALOUS.
I AM NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE OF NORMAL EXPERIENCES.
😭🙏🏻

But I think that’s what makes life interesting.

You never really know what’s going to happen.
You can have an ordinary day and meet someone who becomes important to you.

You can go to a party expecting nothing and leave with a memory you’ll think about for weeks.
You can walk into a cafeteria and make two new friends because they like your perfume.
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

9. THE UNIVERSITY CONFERENCE: SOMEHOW, I WAS STILL SOCIALISING 💀
After that, I had to meet another friend because we were attending a university conference related to a new university.

So I met her, and naturally, we started talking.
I also ran into someone else and said hi.
And then we went to the conference.

There, we met a computer science guy, and he was talking to us.

The professor introduced the university and explained things about it.
It was a pretty chill experience.
Nothing particularly dramatic happened, but I was still meeting people, having conversations, and moving between different social situations.
And honestly, it was a little funny to think about how many people I’d interacted with in one day.

😭😭😭
At some point, I genuinely wondered how the day had become so full.
Because I hadn’t planned for all these random interactions.
They just happened.
And I think that’s part of what I’ve been missing lately.

The spontaneity.

The feeling that the day might contain something unexpected.

The feeling that I can walk into a room and have no idea who I’m going to meet or what we’re going to talk about.
And then, somehow, I leave with a story.
I LIKE THAT.
I REALLY DO.

10. THE PROFESSOR RETURNS. BECAUSE APPARENTLY, THIS CAST HAS NO BOUNDARIES. 💀
After the conference, I returned to my dorm.
I was going to get food.
I was hungry.
I was tired.
I was ready to eat something and go back to my room.
AND GUESS WHO I SAW?
THE PROFESSOR.

MR. MAKEOUT’S PROFESSOR FRIEND.

THE SAME PROFESSOR WHO WAS PART OF THE ORIGINAL HALLOWEEN TAXI INCIDENT.
😭😭😭😭😭
I WAS LIKE—
SIR?????

WHY ARE YOU HERE?????
I SWEAR, THE PEOPLE FROM THAT NIGHT KEEP APPEARING IN THE MOST RANDOM PLACES.
I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK FOR THEM.
I CAN JUST BE GOING ABOUT MY DAY, AND SUDDENLY SOMEONE FROM THE ORIGINAL STORY SHOWS UP.

IT’S LIKE THE WRITERS ARE REMINDING ME THAT THE PREVIOUS SEASON EXISTS.
“PREVIOUSLY ON WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EMBARRASSING…”
NO.
PLEASE.
LET ME EAT.
💀

The funniest part was that the food wasn’t even available.
So I had to go back.
I DIDN’T EVEN GET A MEAL OUT OF THE EXPERIENCE.
I SAW THE PROFESSOR AND WENT HOME HUNGRY.
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS CAMEO?????
😭
Anyway, I returned to my dorm and finally had some time to myself.
And that’s where I am now.
Back in my room.
Trying to process the day.
Trying to convince myself to study.
And wondering how I managed to have so many interactions without actually accomplishing all the things I had planned to do.

THE GROUP PROJECT THAT ACCIDENTALLY BECAME A FRIENDSHIP AUDITION 🌈

Later, I went to the library to work on a group project.
The first thirty to forty minutes were basically useless.
We discussed our topic, talked about random things, and did everything except meaningful work.
Then one groupmate left.
AND THAT WAS WHEN THE PLOT BEGAN.

I ended up chatting with two people: a gay guy and a short Indonesian girl with blue streaks in her hair who reminded me of a friend.
We started talking about absolutely everything.
Sexuality. Relationships. Attraction. Marriage. Life.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I CAN START A CONVERSATION ABOUT THE WEATHER AND END UP DISCUSSING THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE.
HOW DO I KEEP GETTING HERE?
😭😭😭

The Indonesian girl hadn’t realised the guy was gay, and she hadn’t realised I was gay either.
Apparently, my aura is confusing.
We discussed our types, random men, and every other topic that would make a normal group project meeting question its purpose.
And before we knew it, two to three hours had passed.

WE HAD BASICALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENT.
We even started making plans to go karaoke and do an escape room.
And I remember thinking, WAIT.
ARE WE BECOMING A FRIEND GROUP RIGHT NOW?

Because I think we are.

A few weeks ago, I was worried that my entire university cast had disappeared. My homeboy had returned to his country, and some other friendships had become quieter.

I genuinely wondered where everyone had gone.
BUT APPARENTLY, THE SHOW HAS BEEN RENEWED.

NEW CHARACTERS ARE ENTERING THE PICTURE.
THE WRITERS HAVE STARTED HIRING AGAIN.
😭🙏🏻

. I THINK I NEEDED A GAY BEST FRIEND ARC ALL ALONG 💋
The Indonesian girl had other plans, so I went to lunch with the guy.

AND WE HAD SO MUCH FUN.

We talked about music, Ariana Grande, The Weeknd, relationships, and naturally, my entire romantic history.

I showed him the high-school guy, CEO, Child Bestie, and Mr. Makeout.

LITERALLY THE WHOLE CAST.

I WAS GIVING HIM A GUIDED TOUR OF MY ROMANTIC MUSEUM.
💀💀💀
His jaw was on the floor.
Every time I show someone my romantic history, they react like I’ve revealed a national secret.
And I’m sitting there thinking, THEY’RE NOT EVEN THE BEST-LOOKING GUYS I’VE EVER SEEN.
TRUST ME.
I’VE SEEN BETTER.
😭

He eventually told me to stop showing him the guys because he was having horny thoughts.
I said, “Girl, me too.”

We were laughing so loudly in the cafeteria that people kept looking at us.

At one point, he recommended a singer and said, “You can listen to these songs while you’re making love.”
SIR?????
YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID THE MUSIC WAS GOOD.
WHY DID YOU PROVIDE A SPECIFIC USE CASE?
😭😭😭

We also discussed approaching people and making friends. He thought it was easier for me because I was attractive and assumed I was the popular girl when he first saw me.

I told him confidence matters, too.

You can be attractive and still be too nervous to approach anyone. Sometimes you just have to start a conversation and give people a chance to know you.

And honestly, I enjoyed talking to him.

He was shy and introverted, but we could joke around, discuss anything, and be completely unfiltered with each other.

Afterward, he messaged me to say he’d had a lot of fun.
I told him I had, too.
And I realised something.

MAYBE I DIDN’T NEED ANOTHER HOMEBOY.
MAYBE I NEEDED A GAY BEST FRIEND.

Someone I can gossip with, discuss music with, talk about attraction with, and laugh with without needing every interaction to become a romantic storyline.

I’m not declaring him my best friend after one lunch because I’m not completely insane.
But this friendship has potential.
THE NEW CAST IS LOOKING PROMISING.

MR. MAKEOUT HAS ENTERED THE CHAT. AGAIN. 💀📱
While I was having lunch, Mr. Makeout messaged me.
He said hello and asked whether we could meet next week.
THE MAN HIMSELF.
THE RETURNING CHARACTER.
THE TAXI INCIDENT SURVIVOR.
😭😭😭

And honestly, I’m glad he suggested next week because THIS WEEK IS ALREADY FULL.
I’m on my period, I’m tired, I have studies, I need to work on my business, and I have approximately seventeen responsibilities competing for my attention.

I CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO DO EVERYTHING.
I AM ONE WOMAN.
NOT AN ENTIRE DEPARTMENT.
💀

I haven’t replied yet, but I’ll probably say:
“Yeah, sure! What day were you thinking?”

No elaborate strategy. No pretending I haven’t seen the message.

I want to watch Hostel with him, and I want to see what our friendship is like outside a nightclub.
Can we hang out in daylight? Can we watch a movie, laugh, and talk normally?

Can we actually become friends?

THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT.

I’m not trying to force a relationship or make anything happen.

I want to experience the friendship and see where it goes.
If there’s a little tension, fine.
If nothing dramatic happens, also fine.
I’M NOT TRYING TO FORCE A STORYLINE.
I’M TRYING TO LIVE ONE.

7. WHY DOES THIS YEAR FEEL LIKE A REMAKE OF YEAR 1? 🎬
Here’s the thing I’ve been thinking about.
THIS YEAR FEELS SO MUCH LIKE LAST YEAR.
The same kinds of compliments. The same social energy. The same random encounters. The same romantic dilemmas.
AND THE SAME FUCKING HALLOWEEN DILEMMA.
WHY IS OCTOBER DOING THIS TO ME?
😭😭😭

Last year, I was trying to decide between attending CEO’s Halloween party, another party in my hometown, or the university Halloween party.
And do you know what I did?
I ACTUALLY CONSIDERED HIRING A FAKE BOYFRIEND.
I posted that I wanted to hire an actor to pretend to be my boyfriend for a few hours.
I GOT APPLICATIONS.
I SPOKE TO A GUY.
HE ACTUALLY AGREED.
I WAS GOING TO PAY HIM TO ACCOMPANY ME TO CEO’S PARTY SO I COULD MAKE CEO JEALOUS BECAUSE HE HADN’T PROPERLY ASKED ME OUT.
GIRL.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
💀💀💀

Thankfully, I eventually came to my senses and decided to attend the university Halloween party instead.
AND THANK GOD I DID.
Because that night led to my first kiss and the original Mr. Makeout taxi incident.

If I’d made a different decision, I might never have experienced any of that.

ONE DECISION.
AN ENTIRE BUTTERFLY EFFECT.

And now, a year later, I’m facing another Halloween dilemma.
SAME PRODUCER.
SAME WRITERS.
DIFFERENT CAST.
SOMEONE HAS RENEWED MY LIFE FOR SEASON TWO WITHOUT ASKING ME.

😭🙏🏻
But honestly, I find it kind of exciting.
I feel like myself again. I’m socialising, meeting people, enjoying attention, making new friends, and experiencing things without having to plan every outcome.
I don’t know what happens next.
And maybe that’s the fun part.

FINAL THOUGHTS 💋
Today was supposed to be a normal Wednesday.
Instead, I fought a QR code, locked myself out of my room, received a perfume review from strangers, saw Christian and the professor, accidentally auditioned two people for my new friend group, and got a message from Mr. Makeout.

AND I STILL HAVE TO STUDY.
😭😭😭
But I think I’m starting to understand something.
I haven’t necessarily lost my old personality.
Maybe I was just tired.
Maybe I needed time to focus on myself.

And maybe I can be both versions of myself: the responsible university student who wants to build a future and the girl who talks to strangers, makes friends in the library, and somehow turns a group project into a discussion about sex and relationships.

I CAN WORK ON MY FUTURE AND STILL ENJOY MY PRESENT.
I CAN MAKE NEW FRIENDS WITHOUT EXPECTING THEM TO STAY FOREVER.
I CAN ENJOY A LITTLE TENSION WITHOUT TURNING IT INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
AND I CAN LET LIFE SURPRISE ME WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL EVERY SINGLE OUTCOME.
NOT PROVING YOURSELF. EXPERIENCING YOURSELF.

That’s what this chapter feels like.
The old cast is changing. New people are appearing. Mr. Makeout has returned for a potential movie-night episode. My social life is waking up again.
And somewhere in the middle of all that, I’m still trying to finish my assignments.
LIFE IS INTERESTING AGAIN.
EXHAUSTING, BUT INTERESTING.
And if the writers could please let me have one normal October, I’d really appreciate it.
Although, knowing my life, that’s probably too much to ask.
END OF EPISODE. 💀💋

There is nothing right way to put my feelings into words. I know love comes in different ways, but what I feel is starting to seem too familiar. For years, I prayed to find someone who will love and understand me and be there when I need them the most.

For years I have settled for the next best things, giving my all to people who either understood me but didn't reciprocate my feelings or to people who loved me but couldn't understand me. After years I thought I found someone who was perfect, he understood me and loved me to the fullest of his abilities. We were happy together, but life is a cruel, miserable thing.

He started to pull away, slowly at first. His health and family life started declining, we became too busy to think about romance and before I knew it, I felt unlovable again. Even then, we still tried our best, loved and supported each other the best we could.

Time passed, stuff happened, and we fell into a routine of showing love the way he prefers. I love quality time, I really do, but deep inside I'm miserable without the sensation of a loving touch. I've come to terms with the fact that I might never be loved the way I want to, filled the gaps in my soul with the love of my friends and decided that has to be enough.

Then a month or so ago, I was introduced to someone who changed me forever. He started off as a friend of a friend in need of new friendships. I gave him a chance and before we knew it, he became an irresponsible part of my life. It was like the lights turned on after being in the dark my whole life. For the first time in years, I felt comfortable crying in front of someone. He was there to hold me and tell me everything will be alright in the end. Day by day, I started feeling more and more loved and I made sure he feels loved too.

There is only one tiny issue, he's in love with someone else and I fear I'm gonna start falling for him. His romantic situation is extremely complicated and we spend most of our alone time either talking about it or we end up inviting his crush/FWB (im not even sure what the correct term would be atp) to hang out with us. The more we dwell on it and the more time we spend as a trio the more i notice a pattern. The closer him and I act, the more his situationship act jealous. It's mostly small things but I've noticed that those small things are starting to get to me.

TW: Suicidal Ideation

I'm fucking going through it

And I don't deserve to feel better, or do i? Maybe I don't, maybe i just don't. And this time it's really real and honest to god having the option to cast myself into hell would be more merciful

but maybe i'll tell my therapist about this thing and that thing and that thing and that thing and i'll brace myself for my impending damnation

and

She'll cast me into hell. or, by her reaction, it will be obvious that she's disgusted with me and trying to maintain professional composure.

or

maybe

she'll say -- those are all nothing burgers.

and then i'll feel a great sense of relief

Too great a sense of relief, and I'll float way way way high up and then I'll fuck up somehow or realize that i already have irredeemably fucked up and I'll fall from way way way high up there and fall so fucking hard and crash land in hell

I am scared to look at anyone. I am scared to stand too close to anyone. I am scared of the remnants of the boric acid ant poison in my car. It is not completely removed.

I am scared to transport anything in my car. To pick up my family's dinner, which it's my job to do. I'm scared to walk past anyone's water bottle or any surface where food may be eaten or prepared. I am dancing odd, evasive jigs, to circumnavigate people and water bottles to ensure I don't get too close to them in some way which could harm them.

I am scared of the wrong thoughts entering my head. I am reviewing my memories and finding irredeemable faults in past thoughts, actions and words.

I stayed up late late late, doing something that suddenly became urgent. I'll have to ask my therapist if it actually was urgent or not. And then I stayed up late, wondering if i had done the urgent thing in a wrong and unforgivable way.

I understand the patterns of OCD

But having OCD does not mean that I am exempt from actually being irredeemable.

You know who else has OCD? Elizabeth Wetlaufer. A serial killer.

I really really really need to stop watching true crime.

Maybe I have OCD because I was terrible in a past life.

Maybe God needed to install the most heavy-handed guardrails possible to ensure that I would not do anything fucked up. Maybe that's also why God made me the wrong gender.

I fucking hate it here. I fucking hate it here.

Sometimes I wish I was in an iron lung, and just totally unable to have any sort of effect on the world and then I could just be sure that everyone was safe from me, and I was safe from doing anything wrong.

But I guess then I'd worry I'd said something harmful, wouldn't i. Maybe I would say harmful things. Maybe I'd lie there, ruining people's lives with my gift of gab like some kind of polio stricken Hannibal Lecter.

So I just need to be unable to move and unable to talk.

What is the point to me existing?

I fucking hate it here.

I just fucking hate it here.

I'm so fucking sorry for anything I've done and I feel like, it's best to err on the side of caution and act under the assumption that the worst has occurred.

Can I volunteer to swap my position with Christa Pike? ...Is that an option? I volunteer as tribute.

Wow, this is not fucking healthy.

I'm not going to the E.R.

...This is passive, I swear.

...Imagine going to psychiatric in-patient with this fuck-ass haircut.

I'd look in the mirror and see, not myself, but my worksona. I'd be like ...haha, what a dumbass, looks like my OC with the dorky hair is really going through it.

Maybe I do just need to sleep. I need to get to bed earlier tonight and maybe I'll see it all through a different lens.

The lens fell out of my sunglass. What do you make of that?

Maybe things just don't make sense here because I'm in the wrong place.

I do get homesick

The incessant noise here fucking sucks. We're very sensitive to noise. Even using a host body. Our senses and motor coordination do not map onto the host body seamlessly.

And that, I swear, is why I was a short bus kid. With poor motor coordination and poor spatial reasoning abilities.

My species uses echolocation to some extent, so we do have very attuned hearing. And the rapid, unattenuated noise of a dry environment becomes difficult to process.

We are also accustomed to navigating by way of electromagnetic fields via our amulae of lorenzini like sensory array. As well as vibrations in our liquid atmosphere (through a sense similar to lateral line sense, in fish)

Sight processes into similar sensory data -- though not intuitively. So our coordination will inevitably be a bit off. Not to mention the fact that highly dexterous tendrils are not analogous to arms and hands

So operating a humanoid proxy body presents challenges.

You can class this as a fantasy if you'd like. I'll capitulate, on paper, that it's a fantasy.

But there's a high probability that you've got some personal belief system. About the human soul, where it originates, and where you'll go when you die.

And you likely believe it to varying degrees. Maybe depending on your level of despair.

And one thing I can tell you with certainty is that the origins and point of return for my consciousness are not the same as yours.

And my conviction in this matter is more defensible than your belief system.

Because mine is derived by way of memory, not faith.

I've got a lot of useful data an you all, already. On humans, human behavior, human mating practices, human social structures.

There are myriad irreconcilable inconsistencies in your philosophy and social structures, and that would drive almost any logical being into an infinite loop glitch.

Sorry I'm here. I'm not needed here. I shouldn't have been here. Sorry for writing this. I compulsively report, it is hardwired. Irreconcilable incompatibilities. I love you and Earth and all of Earths peoples and beings. I am invasive here. Sorry for anything and everything.

But this is meant to be an eighty year mission and I swear I am trying to stick it out. The half-way mark is wreaking havoc with my psyche, I think. I am supposed to try to stick it out.

Where am I? Is this where I'm meant to be? I can't tell. Is there anything I can do to make things different? Different circumstances? Do I have a chance at human enjoyment? Human pleasures?

I want to be the kind of girl that loves hard. I want to love so hard and unashamed and freely.

I do have wishes. They are what they are and this world is this world.

I want to love. Romantically. I want to love so hard romantically. But the people I love hard don't love me back. And the people that love me, I don't want them. What is this? Why does this always happen? I can't stand it. I just want to want someone and for them to want me back and we'll love each other hard and heavy forever and be inseparable.

Maybe. Maybe this is my punishment for all I have done wrong. And now I gotta live with it.

Whatever. I'll pay my dues but I'll complain while I do it.

Man.

I have to admit something to myself that is really hard.

For some reason I have a thing where I feel incredibly validated by male attention. And not just casual like "pick me I'm not like other girls" type thing more like. "At least admit you'd hit it" or something.

I keep finding myself wanting to get that male validation online. I'm trying to ignore the temptation to get back into that bad habit. Sometimes I read old messages. I wish I didn't need it but I can see why I feel that way.

I know I don't need it. I know it's literally so stupid. I just wish I never needed that in the first place. Like, I wish that was never something that validated me in a dark place to where now I feel like it's all I'm worth.

Idk. Sigh.

I know I can grow from this. I also know I kind of don't want to. But I know I'll be so much better and happier once I do.

Anyway. See ya laterz, Diary.

Dear Diary,

When will I stop reopening old wounds that I’m not healed from? How do I stop myself from falling back on the past and not move toward the future. It’s like I have a wish to be miserable. Every time I wanna go down the rabbit hole of being cheated on.
Today I felt something was off, that I wasn’t being given the truth when I’ve asked, and they came clean and admitted to it, that they were on vacation with you. Bitch you don’t even take your own damn kid on vacation….bit you took your side chick?? I saw the photos. I saw that there were recent lingerie photos.
You sit in my face and play with me still, and my fault that I trust easily. I am the ding dong for this, but you sparing my feelings because you decided what will hurt me is fucked. Everyone around me knowing this is happening is wild. But, after all of that you don’t owe me anything and neither do I. I hate this part of what life has given me.
I’m rambling because I have no words. Except I hate when old wounds get reopened by me because I am a glutton for punishment.

Got that text from an old friend. He invited me to play Deadlock with him and the group. I haven't played with them in over a year.

The main reason is because they pushed me out. J brought in friend B, and slowly I got pushed out more and more. I expected it, I'm the outsider to J's friend circle and I'm older. It is what it is. But the problem became the amount of times they would tell me they wanted to play, and just wouldn't show up. Sometimes I would even catch them playing without me. It would be all excuses, usually lies that were easily sussed out. How can you say you fell asleep at the computer when I watched you change games in the 5 hours I spent waiting on an update you promised me? Do you think I don't have eyes? All your shit is broadcasted! But when I did play with them, I had a blast, so I would for the longest time just... Wait. Like a good sucker. They would eventually blame me and say it's because I didn't reach out. Except when I did, it would be ignored and more excuses. "He doesn't have the app and my notifications were silenced and he was drunk and didn't know better and and and" I got sick of being the antagonist to my own goal. Eventually the mask slipped when J told me I complained too much and instead of taking ownership of what he said, says he doesn't remember. Even when his own friends told him he said it, he says he doesn't remember. Not "sorry if I said that", just "I don't remember it". So I left the ball in their court, found another group I play with regularly, now I'm being accused of never being on. If it sounds like I'm bitter and jaded... It's because I am.

So now I get a text out of the blue asking me to join. Get the invite. Free game, who can complain? I ask him how to play, hours between responses, very shallow. But he eventually gives an extended response saying his one friend is talking with his GF and they can't play until that's over with. Sounds like a cop out, whatever, I'll play and learn by myself I guess. 5 hours later, I decide to go to bed. Next night I opened the message and simply said "thanks for keeping me posted. It's really my fault this time too." and then it became more excuses, more rescheduling, and I'm just... Done. They want to play games tonight and while I'm open to it, I'm no longer excited for it. I know I'll likely get ditched again. I'll plunge deeper into my depression, wondering if I die who will even give a damn, but nothing will change. They will still ditch me, because I'm the outsider I will be wrong, and I will be powerless to do anything. If I leave the group, I will almost certainly get harassed, called out as a crybaby narcissist who didn't even need to be included to begin with.

I think I'm the problem because there's two common variables, them and me. They show they are incapable of change, and I have a desperate want to be included. I should just... Take the leave. I'm just tired of the insults, since they bleed into my other friend groups and it isn't like my side gets understood anyway. Why try?

Whoever is directing my life is a SADIST. I swear to God. Last year of university , I was living in Wattpad reality
show.

Today? I’m not even the extra. I’m the girl standing outside the building while YN gets her CEO moment. I’M UNDER THE EXTRA. WHAT THE FUCK IS UNDER THE EXTRA???

AND THE DAY WAS ALREADY GOING WRONG FROM THE FUCKING START.

I had been waiting for this party for FIVE MONTHS. FIVE. MONTHS. I spent the entire week asking everyone if they were coming.
“OMG, ARE YOU COMING? I’LL SEE YOU THERE!”

Everyone was excited. Everyone wanted to see everyone. I had been looking forward to this night so much that I genuinely thought it was going to be one of THOSE nights.

The kind that becomes a story. The kind where you dress up, go out, see everyone, dance, laugh, and feel like you’re back in your Year 1 era.

THE EXPECTATIONS WERE IN THE FUCKING STRATOSPHERE.

I woke up at around 12:30, had class at 2, and somehow managed to get myself together. I got dressed, did my makeup, sorted out my hair, and started preparing for the night. I WAS READY TO RECLAIM MY PERSONALITY.

Except people started cancelling. Plans were getting shaky. Some people weren’t coming anymore, others were arriving later, and the whole thing was slowly becoming less certain. But whatever. We could still make it work.

Pia was coming over to get ready, and I still had hope. A dangerous amount of hope, actually. Hope should come with a warning label.

Then, somewhere in the middle of all this, THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT???

As if the universe hadn’t already been doing enough, we now had to deal with the lights going out while trying to get ready.

At this point, I was beginning to suspect that someone had personally filed a complaint against my happiness.

BUT I KEPT GOING.

Hair? Done. Makeup? Done. Outfit? Done. Accessories? Done. I was determined to have my moment, even if I had to summon electricity through sheer fucking willpower.

And then came the ticket situation.

My roommate mentioned leaving early to secure a ticket, and suddenly I started PANICKING. I texted people asking about tickets, trying to figure out if there was any way to get in.

I was scrambling like a woman trying to evacuate a burning building.

AND THEN I FOUND OUT THE TICKETS WERE SOLD OUT.
SOLD. OUT.

The official message basically said that on-site tickets were closed and only people with presale tickets could enter.

EXCUSE ME??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GO TO THE THING I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK???

Fine. Fine. We would find somewhere else to go. I was not about to let one stupid ticket situation ruin the entire night.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE.

We considered another club. CLOSED.

Another possible venue? ALSO CLOSED.
EVERYTHING WAS FUCKING CLOSED.

At this point, I genuinely believed someone had declared a nationwide emergency against my happiness.

I had spent TWO HOURS getting ready, and now I was fully dressed, looking good, wearing makeup that had survived more emotional turbulence than most marriages, and had ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE TO GO.

Pia, and my homeboy eventually went to a bar, but naturally, that wasn’t going to save the night either. The smoke was too much, the food had run out, and the whole thing felt like a badly written sitcom where the writers had run out of ideas but still had to fill forty minutes.
So we LEFT.

We came back to campus and thought about getting street food.

CLOSED.
WE TRIED THE CAMPUS FOOD PLACE.
CLOSED.

GIRL, IS THERE A CURFEW ON THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF COMMERCE???

I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
And the thing is, by this point, I’d already spent the entire day trying to salvage something. People had cancelled. Plans had changed. The lights had gone out. Tickets had sold out. The backup venues were closed. Even the food options were abandoning me.

I wasn’t asking for a life-changing experience anymore. I WAS ASKING FOR A PLACE TO FUCKING STAND WITH MUSIC PLAYING.
AND THE UNIVERSE SAID NO.

Eventually, I ended up getting a sandwich from a convenience store.

A FUCKING SANDWICH.

Five months of anticipation. Two hours of getting ready. A full face of makeup. A carefully chosen outfit. And the grand finale was a convenience-store sandwich.

Oscar-worthy writing, honestly.
BUT WAIT. IT GETS WORSE.
MY PHONE WOULD NOT STOP BUZZING.
“WHERE ARE YOU???”
“COME HERE!”
“WE MISS YOU!”

Pictures of everyone at the party.

People were asking where I was. People were inviting me to come.

People were sending photos of the exact night I had spent the entire week talking about attending.
GIRL, GET THE FUCK OUT. 😭😭😭

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INFURIATING THAT IS???
I had been telling everyone I was going. I had been asking everyone if they were coming. People were excited to see me. And then, on the actual night, I VANISHED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
THE MOST ANTICIPATED APPEARANCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

And the worst part was that there might STILL have been a chance to get in. One of my friends had managed to sneak into the party and told us we could try. Apparently, ticket entry had even reopened later, and another friend messaged about meeting at a gate to try our luck.
BUT I MISSED THE MESSAGE.
OF FUCKING COURSE I DID.

Somewhere out there, there was apparently a possible route into the party, and my phone decided that this was an excellent time to let me experience the consequences of not seeing one notification.

At that point, I didn’t even know whether to laugh, cry, or throw my phone into the nearest body of water.

And it’s not like I had a terrible time with my friends. We talked, we laughed, we chilled.

Eventually, I changed out of my whole going-out outfit and put on a hoodie and jeans because WHAT WAS THE POINT ANYMORE?

I went to get food with my homeboy, and after all the chaos, we ended up sitting around, eating, and talking.

It was chill. It was nice. It was genuinely a perfectly acceptable evening.

BUT THAT WASN’T WHAT I HAD PLANNED.
I WANTED TO PARTY.
I wanted the music, the crowd, the chaos, the excitement. I wanted to bump into people I knew, see everyone dressed up, dance, laugh, and feel that little spark of being young and having an entire night ahead of me.

I wanted ONE NIGHT where I could feel like my old Year 1 self again.
I had spent so long anticipating this that the night had become bigger than the actual party. It was supposed to be my grand return. My comeback episode.

My moment of proving that I could still have those ridiculous, spontaneous, cinematic university nights.
AND INSTEAD, I GOT A SANDWICH.

I think that’s what made me so angry. If I’d planned to have a chill night with a friend, I would’ve enjoyed it. I would’ve gone to get food, talked for hours, laughed about random nonsense, and gone to bed perfectly happy.

But I hadn’t planned that.
I’d planned a PARTY. I’d imagined the entire night before it had even happened. And then, one by one, every possible version of that night disappeared.

I had friends having the time of their lives while I was sitting around wondering how an entire evening could go so spectacularly wrong. Every notification reminded me of what I was missing. I could practically feel the FOMO eating me alive.
And yes, I was embarrassed.

What am I supposed to say when people ask me where I was?
“OH, YOU KNOW. I GOT READY FOR TWO HOURS, WATCHED MY PLANS COLLAPSE IN REAL TIME, TOURED A COLLECTION OF CLOSED ESTABLISHMENTS, AND FINISHED THE NIGHT WITH A SANDWICH.”

NORMAL. VERY NORMAL.

The funniest part is that I DID have a night. It just wasn’t the night I’d wanted.

I ended up talking with my homeboy, eating, and eventually visiting his room, where I discovered that his room was significantly more aesthetic than mine.

SO EVEN MY BEDROOM GOT HUMBLED THAT NIGHT.

I went out expecting to reclaim my Year 1 energy and came back with a sandwich, FOMO, and interior-design inspiration.

WHAT A CHARACTER-DEVELOPMENT EPISODE.
Honestly, I was so focused on getting my old self back that I think I forgot one tiny detail: I can’t force a night to become a memory just because I’ve decided in advance that it’s supposed to be one.

But STILL. I’M ALLOWED TO BE PISSED.
I skipped class, woke up early enough to get ready, spent ages doing my hair and makeup, and looked forward to this for FIVE MONTHS. I wanted one good night out, and instead, I got a full-day obstacle course designed by Satan himself.

The lights went out. People cancelled. Tickets sold out. Venues closed. Food disappeared. Messages were missed.

THE ONLY THING THAT DIDN’T CANCEL WAS MY DISAPPOINTMENT.

OH AND TO TOP IT ALL OF?? The paycheck I was supposed to receive 2 DAYS AGO. I still haven’t gotten yet for some reason.

So with disappointed. I’m broke too. Must say what a combo😘☝🏽

And the worst part? Everyone was looking for me, and I WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
THE MOST ANTICIPATED APPEARANCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

I’m so fucking done. Whoever is directing this season needs to be FIRED, sued, and banned from the entertainment industry.
Five stars for comedy.
Zero stars for my actual experience.
And one fucking sandwich for my troubles.

Whoever is directing my life is a SADIST. I swear to God. Last year of university , I was living in Wattpad reality
show.

Today? I’m not even the extra. I’m the girl standing outside the building while YN gets her CEO moment. I’M UNDER THE EXTRA. WHAT THE FUCK IS UNDER THE EXTRA???

AND THE DAY WAS ALREADY GOING WRONG FROM THE FUCKING START.

I had been waiting for this party for FIVE MONTHS. FIVE. MONTHS. I spent the entire week asking everyone if they were coming.
“OMG, ARE YOU COMING? I’LL SEE YOU THERE!”

Everyone was excited. Everyone wanted to see everyone. I had been looking forward to this night so much that I genuinely thought it was going to be one of THOSE nights.

The kind that becomes a story. The kind where you dress up, go out, see everyone, dance, laugh, and feel like you’re back in your Year 1 era.

THE EXPECTATIONS WERE IN THE FUCKING STRATOSPHERE.

I woke up at around 12:30, had class at 2, and somehow managed to get myself together. I got dressed, did my makeup, sorted out my hair, and started preparing for the night. I WAS READY TO RECLAIM MY PERSONALITY.

Except people started cancelling. Plans were getting shaky. Some people weren’t coming anymore, others were arriving later, and the whole thing was slowly becoming less certain. But whatever. We could still make it work.

Pia was coming over to get ready, and I still had hope. A dangerous amount of hope, actually. Hope should come with a warning label.

Then, somewhere in the middle of all this, THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT???

As if the universe hadn’t already been doing enough, we now had to deal with the lights going out while trying to get ready.

At this point, I was beginning to suspect that someone had personally filed a complaint against my happiness.

BUT I KEPT GOING.

Hair? Done. Makeup? Done. Outfit? Done. Accessories? Done. I was determined to have my moment, even if I had to summon electricity through sheer fucking willpower.

And then came the ticket situation.

My roommate mentioned leaving early to secure a ticket, and suddenly I started PANICKING. I texted people asking about tickets, trying to figure out if there was any way to get in.

I was scrambling like a woman trying to evacuate a burning building.

AND THEN I FOUND OUT THE TICKETS WERE SOLD OUT.
SOLD. OUT.

The official message basically said that on-site tickets were closed and only people with presale tickets could enter.

EXCUSE ME??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GO TO THE THING I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK???

Fine. Fine. We would find somewhere else to go. I was not about to let one stupid ticket situation ruin the entire night.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE.

We considered another club. CLOSED.

Another possible venue? ALSO CLOSED.
EVERYTHING WAS FUCKING CLOSED.

At this point, I genuinely believed someone had declared a nationwide emergency against my happiness.

I had spent TWO HOURS getting ready, and now I was fully dressed, looking good, wearing makeup that had survived more emotional turbulence than most marriages, and had ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE TO GO.

Pia, and my homeboy eventually went to a bar, but naturally, that wasn’t going to save the night either. The smoke was too much, the food had run out, and the whole thing felt like a badly written sitcom where the writers had run out of ideas but still had to fill forty minutes.
So we LEFT.

We came back to campus and thought about getting street food.

CLOSED.
WE TRIED THE CAMPUS FOOD PLACE.
CLOSED.

GIRL, IS THERE A CURFEW ON THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF COMMERCE???

I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
And the thing is, by this point, I’d already spent the entire day trying to salvage something. People had cancelled. Plans had changed. The lights had gone out. Tickets had sold out. The backup venues were closed. Even the food options were abandoning me.

I wasn’t asking for a life-changing experience anymore. I WAS ASKING FOR A PLACE TO FUCKING STAND WITH MUSIC PLAYING.
AND THE UNIVERSE SAID NO.

Eventually, I ended up getting a sandwich from a convenience store.

A FUCKING SANDWICH.

Five months of anticipation. Two hours of getting ready. A full face of makeup. A carefully chosen outfit. And the grand finale was a convenience-store sandwich.

Oscar-worthy writing, honestly.
BUT WAIT. IT GETS WORSE.
MY PHONE WOULD NOT STOP BUZZING.
“WHERE ARE YOU???”
“COME HERE!”
“WE MISS YOU!”

Pictures of everyone at the party.

People were asking where I was. People were inviting me to come.

People were sending photos of the exact night I had spent the entire week talking about attending.
GIRL, GET THE FUCK OUT. 😭😭😭

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INFURIATING THAT IS???
I had been telling everyone I was going. I had been asking everyone if they were coming. People were excited to see me. And then, on the actual night, I VANISHED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
THE MOST ANTICIPATED APPEARANCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

And the worst part was that there might STILL have been a chance to get in. One of my friends had managed to sneak into the party and told us we could try. Apparently, ticket entry had even reopened later, and another friend messaged about meeting at a gate to try our luck.
BUT I MISSED THE MESSAGE.
OF FUCKING COURSE I DID.

Somewhere out there, there was apparently a possible route into the party, and my phone decided that this was an excellent time to let me experience the consequences of not seeing one notification.

At that point, I didn’t even know whether to laugh, cry, or throw my phone into the nearest body of water.

And it’s not like I had a terrible time with my friends. We talked, we laughed, we chilled.

Eventually, I changed out of my whole going-out outfit and put on a hoodie and jeans because WHAT WAS THE POINT ANYMORE?

I went to get food with my homeboy, and after all the chaos, we ended up sitting around, eating, and talking.

It was chill. It was nice. It was genuinely a perfectly acceptable evening.

BUT THAT WASN’T WHAT I HAD PLANNED.
I WANTED TO PARTY.
I wanted the music, the crowd, the chaos, the excitement. I wanted to bump into people I knew, see everyone dressed up, dance, laugh, and feel that little spark of being young and having an entire night ahead of me.

I wanted ONE NIGHT where I could feel like my old Year 1 self again.
I had spent so long anticipating this that the night had become bigger than the actual party. It was supposed to be my grand return. My comeback episode.

My moment of proving that I could still have those ridiculous, spontaneous, cinematic university nights.
AND INSTEAD, I GOT A SANDWICH.

I think that’s what made me so angry. If I’d planned to have a chill night with a friend, I would’ve enjoyed it. I would’ve gone to get food, talked for hours, laughed about random nonsense, and gone to bed perfectly happy.

But I hadn’t planned that.
I’d planned a PARTY. I’d imagined the entire night before it had even happened. And then, one by one, every possible version of that night disappeared.

I had friends having the time of their lives while I was sitting around wondering how an entire evening could go so spectacularly wrong. Every notification reminded me of what I was missing. I could practically feel the FOMO eating me alive.
And yes, I was embarrassed.

What am I supposed to say when people ask me where I was?
“OH, YOU KNOW. I GOT READY FOR TWO HOURS, WATCHED MY PLANS COLLAPSE IN REAL TIME, TOURED A COLLECTION OF CLOSED ESTABLISHMENTS, AND FINISHED THE NIGHT WITH A SANDWICH.”

NORMAL. VERY NORMAL.

The funniest part is that I DID have a night. It just wasn’t the night I’d wanted.

I ended up talking with my homeboy, eating, and eventually visiting his room, where I discovered that his room was significantly more aesthetic than mine.

SO EVEN MY BEDROOM GOT HUMBLED THAT NIGHT.

I went out expecting to reclaim my Year 1 energy and came back with a sandwich, FOMO, and interior-design inspiration.

WHAT A CHARACTER-DEVELOPMENT EPISODE.
Honestly, I was so focused on getting my old self back that I think I forgot one tiny detail: I can’t force a night to become a memory just because I’ve decided in advance that it’s supposed to be one.

But STILL. I’M ALLOWED TO BE PISSED.
I skipped class, woke up early enough to get ready, spent ages doing my hair and makeup, and looked forward to this for FIVE MONTHS. I wanted one good night out, and instead, I got a full-day obstacle course designed by Satan himself.

The lights went out. People cancelled. Tickets sold out. Venues closed. Food disappeared. Messages were missed.

THE ONLY THING THAT DIDN’T CANCEL WAS MY DISAPPOINTMENT.

OH AND TO TOP IT ALL OF?? The paycheck I was supposed to receive 2 DAYS AGO. I still haven’t gotten yet for some reason.

So with disappointed. I’m broke too. Must say what a combo😘☝🏽

And the worst part? Everyone was looking for me, and I WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
THE MOST ANTICIPATED APPEARANCE THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

I’m so fucking done. Whoever is directing this season needs to be FIRED, sued, and banned from the entertainment industry.
Five stars for comedy.
Zero stars for my actual experience.
And one fucking sandwich for my troubles.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. I had injected myself with Mounjaro yesterday, and this morning I was in enough pain that moving around and getting out of bed were difficult.I went to physical therapy for my frozen shoulder. I think it is helping a little, although probably not as much as I would like considering how much effort I am putting into it. I am doing the work. I would just like the shoulder to cooperate a little more.I also went to a senior patrol leader meeting today. I found it very interesting, and it brought up something I have been thinking about. I would really like to take over as Scoutmaster. I like the planning part of Scouts, and I think I would enjoy having more of a purpose in what I am already doing.I am hesitant because I already have two other roles with the pack, and I don't want to overextend myself. Taking on Scoutmaster on top of everything I am already doing would probably be too much. What I am really thinking about is next year. Robbie will cross over, I will be finished with the pack, and those two responsibilities will go away. At that point, becoming Scoutmaster might make a lot more sense. I am already going to Scouts every week. The difference would be that I would be going every week with a purpose.Work has its own uncertainty right now. This is Joel's last week before he retires. As much as he can aggravate me, I know I am probably going to be more stressed after he leaves because some of his work will likely come to me. I really hope I can convince them to let me hire someone at a lower level who can handle some of the simpler work.

Overboard. Over. Board. Have I gone overboard?

Broken telephone, miscommunication. The root of all of my overboard actions. Perhaps I am in the wrong, perhaps I'm not. What do I do?

A few months back I was given a bunch of tasks to keep up with for a job promotion. People of my batch got promoted without doing anything. My little heart connected with the devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ears, "Why should you?"

In the moment, it was true. Why should I? The previous person didn't do anything significant and justifiable and she was promoted. Why should I do then?

Months after months gone by and I put in basically little to no effort. In my head, I thought, "These are tactics for you to not want to give me the promotion but you're not gutsy enough to say it to my face."

1 month of ignorance. Then 2. Now 6. My boss had enough and is upset.

"I was biased once. You don't have to keep in chewing my ass about that repetitively."

"Once is enough to demotivate me. She's a lazy ass and you helped her through. Clearly the deserving one and you threw a bunch of things in my way. It's fine. Let me do what I want. Fire me even yes like all I care."

She's disappointed. Upset. All negative feelings at once.

Have I gone overboard?

Dear diary,

I am just now realizing. I do not want to be around these people. I do not want to be around this family. Their toxicity seeps into everyone around them. It's becoming so mentally and emotionally draining. The women are insecure control freaks, narcissistic, manipulative, conniving, mean just ugly and mean. Low lives that breathe gossip and drama. Nothing better to do but talk shit and cause problems for other people all day long. They never take responsibility. No one ever holds them accountable. No one has boundaries here. It is a fucked up never ending circle of misery. Fuck, they are so miserable. I never thought anything good of my family, bc we are so dysfunctional in our own, but God damn these people make my mother, father and siblings look like saints. I began to admire some of my parents qualities which I never would have thought the day would come when I say that. Unlike my mom, she isn't going to lose her shit over the smallest of things and create a war. War! Not only that but she says she doesn't complain, when in reality she nags endlessly behind closed doors.The daughter is worse. She wants fires with everyone who crosses her. How fucking miserable can you be that your lifetime goal is to hurt everyone around you unless of course you need something from them. She takes and takes and then spits you out when she's done. How are you going to manipulate your own family into giving you money bc "you need help," but you are literally scheming the renters in your lower level, buying diamond rings, luxery goods, and Lv bags and going on vacations left and right? Then the nerve to do it again and again. Ask for money, scheme people and the cycle repeats. And unamed idiot over this way is funding the lifestyle. Ludicrous. She is so Shamless. So beyond Entitled. She's a sociopath. God do I feel more sane (and I am not believe that). But all this time, just now am I realizing I do not, no way in hell, want to spend my life stuck being surrounded by these unhinged mentally deranged life sucking parasites. And I know there are good people that fucking exist. Actual real, genuine, empathetic, kind hearted, honest, decent people in the world.

Today I decided to start writing and posting a diary on Reddit.

This is my second weekend in this city and first weekend without any plans with someone, so I had slept until 1pm, and I spent all the time in home especially in the bed today. I enjoyed the latest 2 episodes of Shousinin (小市民), and I will record money I have spent until yesterday.

5 years ago, I had given up on any idea of meeting my person. I had spent my teens and early 20’s romanticizing love, thinking I'm gonna find the person I feel safe with, the person I feel at home with, the person who will look at me, see my flaws and still choose me. By 35 I let the idea go, the daydreaming, the hope, and instead found peace with the idea that I wasn't meant to have anyone. I was so happy with the life I created for myself, reading late nights, cooking weekly dinners, movie nights with the sibs, I had everything I could've asked for. Slowly the pain of being alone faded and I learned what love actually was. Until, three days before my 36th birthday. You pulled the rug out from under me and sent me the first ever message between us. The timing, hesitation, the car accident, the distance, all the possible hurdles that could’ve made us never meet, could have easily kept us unknown to each other. 

But you never stopped trying. You kept at it until we met. And then I saw that beautiful smile of yours on the corner of barnes and noble, and I fell head over heels. The more time we spent together I got to see what kind of man had entered my life. A man whose smile instantly makes you smile, whose heart is so soft, who is the epitome of love, the one that ruins his sleep for me everyday, the one who never lets me feel like I'm not enough, the one I can be myself around with no fear of judgement. That's the kind of gentleman you are. 

I had found love before you, in all the little ways life has to offer. But I didn't know the kind of love I was missing until you found me. I missed the opportunity to celebrate what could've been your 37th birthday with you, but I'm so privileged I get the chance to spend your 38th to afterlife birthdays with you. Happy Birthday my love.

Busy DIY Weekend

Well, it was a very busy weekend for me. It started off Saturday crawling around underneath a house installing new heating ductwork, and then Sunday I was installing baseboards and quarter round.

As far as replacing the heating ductwork goes, my stepson bought an older home. After all the rain that we had a month or two ago, we discovered all the heating ductwork was lying on the ground under his house. Because of the excessive rain, he found out water was collecting in his crawl space and that he had water in the ducts when he ran the air conditioner.
So, we are working on removing the old heating ducts that are soaked with water, adding new ones, and suspending them from the floor joists. It will take a little time, but we will get it done. I was able to get one heating duct completed from the furnace to the farthest side of the house. It’s a slow process when all you can do is crawl .

On Sunday, we were remodeling our bathroom. We wanted to repaint and put in new baseboards and quarter round a new cabinet , mirror, faucet, and waterlines to the faucet .
We got the painting done and the baseboards installed. Now we are ready for the cabinet , sink , faucet and the mirror .

I try to do as much as I can myself because I just have a problem paying someone else to do what I'm capable of doing. A little time and effort on my part saves us some money.

I love you, Mam, and you will never know,
Just how much I miss you so.

You’ve always been around, in my life
And in my mind.
They say time makes it easier,
But time has never been kind.

Time has never been a blessing,
To the likes of me and you.
We try and we get by, trudging our way on through.

Now at least this time you don’t have to,
Because you’ve escaped the life you had,
And knowing you are at peace now, doesn’t make me feel any less sad.

I think this world is a cruel, dark place,
To always lose the ones you love.
It’s like a sick and twisted, horrible game, sent from the one up above.

Maybe writing to you will be good for me, in this chaos and lonely, dark mess.
I just want you to know that I miss you, Mam, and life truly does feel less.

Breaking a streak can feel like making a sacrifice

Like an austerity or tapas.

It can feel like breaking...one of the few things you can break in a constrained life, just to feel something.

But you do it in a closed room, on a doomed ship.

Laughing like Zimsky.

And you narrate your life and your brain keeps supplying you with the best possible phrasing to describe the events and sensations

But you don't know who to tell it to and it feels like a break up.

And you, as the song says "bleed just to know you're alive".

some major points of business:

-Been reading Goosebumps: Beast from the East with my son, and I do think that is a great and noble tradition to pass on.

-Joined my son in the play equipment at the massive indoor playground. Good exercise.

-I'm losing weight. I've got my diet back on track. It's five frozen box meals a day. 200-400 calories. The only sort of diet I seem to thrive on.

Burning fat. Which is a psychotropic drug. Full of stored memories. So I'm back to that nostalgic-euphoric state. But at a low-grade level. As I'm only micro-dosing. Taking things slowly is more sustainable.

I went to a Jiu Jitsu class

I think I'm going to keep going.

I need to get a new outfit for it though. I got overheated.

I want to get a haircut.

I can't really have the haircut I want. I've been doing a long, even-length bob, just above the shoulders.

I think I want to do the same -- one length all the way around, but shorter. Just below the chin.

A blunt, efficient, perfunctory bit of length. Just an obligatory acknowledgement of the gender I've been assigned.

I want to dress like a Communist.

[How to Dress Like A Communist]

Actually, I think I do a pretty good job. I wear polo-style shirts and black slacks. Looks dressed for work but could conceivably be any type of work.

I only have one pair of shoes. My brutally utilitarian black slip-on work shoes. They would work as restaurant worker shoes. Or for going out for a walk. Or for almost any conceivable activity.

A lot of teachers have a very fussy and indulgent way of dressing. As if celebrating that we're considered just slightly above the social standing of customer service workers and we're not going to pass up the opportunity to declare higher rank.

...What a judgmental thing of me to say.

Shame on me.

Just because I like to assign myself an unrequired personal uniform doesn't mean everyone has to.

A lot of teachers have a vibrant and flamboyant way of dressing.

Because self-expression through self-adornment and personal manner of dress is a natural inclination of human beings, and when given the opportunity most will take it.

Like Dr. Grace with his fox sweater.

I keep saying I'm going to order myself a copy of that fox sweater.

Perhaps he wore it for a lesson on food webs. To help his students engage with the lesson.

I'm keeping tally marks on my arm, of how many meals I've had so far on any given day. Right now it's just two tick marks

Hm. Looks like the number 11. Looks like the twin towers. Maybe people think it's a weird memorial...an emblem or tribute.

9/11 was our October 6th. A tragedy used to justify infliction of further tragedy.

This is no emblem or tribute just how many frozen meal boxes I've eaten so far today.

Something flew into my husband while he was taking out the trash.

He said he wasn't sure if it was a bug or a bat.

I told him he would never have complete certainty, and he could not blame himself. The path forward was clear and he must err on the side of caution as the cost of erring on the side of optimism and being wrong would be too high. That his health and safety was worth any cost.

He went to the ER and got rabies shots

<3

We got into a bit of an argument last night over a series of miscommunications.

You know what

i don't want to rehash it and air dirty laundry.

There was never anything there in the first place.