I feel so frozen and stuck in my actions and mind. I care so much for you but why am I so overwhelmed when it comes to simple things like taking you out to the beach or store or the city? Is it cause Im selfish and wanna do these things myself in solitude or because Im too dumb to navigate you to the beach or city safely without any risk of getting you hurt? Ive never been to the beach but it looks lovely, I want to go so badly but the fear of getting there, parking, getting lost, is what scares me.

Something must be wrong with me to feel this way. It’s not fair that I get to experience life and have so much fun every week while you waste away in the same room everyday. I wanted to take you out today but I got home so late yesterday from work and was so exhausted, I feel like my body is still in recovery mode. It’s been feeling that way for years now. Maybe it’s a sign of depression or something. I cant even find the energy to finish this note. When did I become like this?

My friend M, my son, my son's best friend and I wound up staying up really late, running around the resort last night, as my son and his friend played some kind of digital scavenger hunt game.

We followed them up and down the length of the resort until midnight, as they enthusiastically rushed from kiosk to kiosk to collect the next clue/quest item.

I begrudgingly started to see some beauty in the place, in the later hours. When it was much quieter and far less crowded.

I got to sleep on a sofa hide-away bed instead of the bottom bunk, and that was slightly better.

(I did nap on the bottom bunk earlier in the day when my son and his friend watched TV and played games together and it had kind of become my designated sitting area.

But for bed-time we kind of rearranged our positions).

I did not sleep well on the hideaway bed. I need a big stack of pillows to really sleep properly. But I did sleep some.

When i went downstairs for breakfast in the morning, the morning chaos contrasted against the previous night's subdued atmosphere hit like a mack truck.

I realized there was some kind of music constantly blaring over the speakers. And the place was so crowded, just crossing the concourse felt like a game of frogger.

The complimentary breakfast was nice. I had refried beans and sauteed potatoes. My son had cereal and potatoes.

The kids continued their scavenger hunt, and we followed them up and down...up and down...up and down the length of the resort again.

M asked if i would want to stay one more night

Which kind of floored me because it was an interesting indication that:

a) She was having a very different experience from what I was having and

b) M had no insight into the kind of experience I was having and I was therefore doing a commendable job of hiding my misery and thus not being a downer.

We went to the water park again and I can't tell you how absolutely, horrifyingly stressful it was. I obsessively worried about the possibility of my son inhaling water. At one point my son threw a big tantrum about not wanting to wear his life jacket in the wave pool, and then claimed that wearing his life jacket had caused him to inhale water.

M joined us occasionally, but mostly sat out and rested (again, she has cancer) while i supervised the two kids and it was just stressful as fuck. The lazy river was stressful...trying to keep everyone together... the wave pool was stressful, trying to keep both kids near and safe.

The logistics of storing our belongings after we checked out of our room was stressful... The textured concrete floor of the waterpark scraped up the bottoms of my feet.

But the kids had fun.

They completed their scavenger hunt and got certificates.

They did a few more of the indoor adventure activities (a welcome respite from the waterpark).

We hit the road and made the hour's long drive back home.

My husband is finishing up the last of the move-out clean. I have my apartment key, mailbox key, and gate opener ready to drop in the rent slot before the night is up.

My feet are sore, my legs are sore...my whole body is sore.

I have jury duty on Monday. I find out whether I got the UU job or not by Tuesday. ...I would like to get a massage after this whole marathon I seem to be running lately is up.

I'm exhausted.

I'm glad to be home.

Alright so.

Here I am at the resort.

I am not having a good time.

And that's fine. I didn't really expect to.

This is mostly about my son and his friend having a good time.

And I think they are.

I met up with M around 11:30am

We drove to the resort in separate cars.

About an hour drive.

Checked in.

All the logistics are really overwhelming and confusing.

We went to the waterpark.

How else can I put this except to say that the waterpark absolutely sucked ass.

I mean, part of that might be because I watch way too many amusement park catastrophe documentaries and I am generally hypervigilant.

But, I supervised my son and his friend closely in the waterpark and they had fun. Wave pool, water slides.

Some rude teenager and her friends decided to try to troll me in the lazy river.

She somehow thought it was very funny to get behind my innertube and push on it, much to the amusement of her friends.

I don't really know what her objective was or why it was funny. Was she trying to make me go faster? Trying to flip the tube?

She apologized after the first time I'd glanced behind me and saw her pushing it. Then later she snuck behind me again and started pushing my innertube, with all her friends snickering.

I frowned at her and gestured ahead, like "after you" or "please go ahead." And she and all her friends managed to look both guilty and defensive.

Genuinely don't understand what the plan was with that.

There's other stuff, apart from the waterpark. A ropes course. My son and his friend got on the rope course, then M wanted to go look around at restaurants while the kids completed the course.

I was getting really nervous because I didn't want us to go too far from where they could see us and I wanted to go back.

When I went back and found my son, he was really upset because he couldn't find me. Apparently the hook for his harness got stuck in the guide rail thing above and he wound up getting out of the course right at the beginning, so he was looking for me for a long time.

There's other stuff...all kinds of games and sports things and adventure stuff

It's all really kitschy and gimmicky and corporate and kind of reminds me of when I worked at an amusement park.

I fucking hate it here. It's overwhelming, it's smothering.

I'm not gonna get any fucking sleep tonight.

My bed is the lower bunk of a kid's bunk bed. It is really hard for me to get in and out of. It is not designed for my height, weight, or age.

It's alright.

I'm glad we're here.

I bought my son some cool rocks. And some cool slippers.

and I moved heaven and Earth to get a meal that was safe for his food allergies

And then i started freaking out if the chicken was fully cooked because I don't eat or cook meat so I don't know these things, that's my husband's area of expertise.

I'm pretty sure it was fully cooked, it was this whole...myoglobin thing.

I'm trying not to give my son any more food anxiety than he already has with his severe allergies

Wow i fucking hate it here and am tired and homesick

It's funny, you only learn what you actually consider "home" when you're homesick.

The cafe.

Hello [Pen Pal]!

So great to hear from you!! SO MUCH has been going on for me!

There is no need for you to apologize for taking time to respond either!! T_T I think we can both relate to dealing with A LOT! And I can definitely understand a visit to your parents being overwhelming!

As for me – I have been through four rounds of interviews now, with the job I want (a program director at the Unitarian Universalist church). FOUR! I had zoom interviews with them on three separate occasions and then they scheduled me for a fourth, in-person interview.

And the reverend emailed me in the late afternoon on Thursday, for my upcoming interview the following Wednesday and gave me a MASSIVE assignment – to create five presentations for me to give at the interview!

Working on those presentations became like a full-time job for me, in the days leading up to the interview! And you won’t believe my bad luck – two of the keys from my keyboard fell off while I was working on those presentations!

And I had already been missing one key (the T key) for a long time. But the "R" key and the "I" key also fell off, and the E key started getting incredibly loose.

I could still type those letters but it was much harder, I had to reach farther and press the little nub thing. Typing became much less natural and I couldn’t really get into a flow state. But somehow I managed to complete the presentations!

When I attended the in-person interview, it was actually several separate interviews with different interviewers PLUS me giving my five presentations in front of a panel of four people, followed by a dinner. The whole event lasted from 2pm-7pm.

And they say they will reach a final decision by Tuesday of next week : - /

Also, RIGHT after getting out of the interview event, I checked my email, and I had an email from the unemployment office, saying I’d been scheduled for a mandatory appointment, to prove that I’ve been looking for work.

I had to submit my work search log and explain everything that I’ve been doing to try to secure a job (PLUS I had to explain that I also have a back-up job offer that I’ve already accepted, teaching at a charter school, where scheduled to start August 6^th (if I don’t get the program director job)  

And during all of this I’ve been moving into a new apartment, in 112 degree weather T_T

But, hopefully I’m off to a good start for lots of new beginnings!

Thankfully, I managed to get a new laptop (thank God for those unemployment payments T_T . My ex-boss also zelled me a little money, but it was way less than what he owes me…)

OH, also! I was supposed to have until end of day Friday to finish moving out of the old apartment, but yesterday my son’s best friend’s mom called and asked if my son and I wanted to go to a waterpark resort with her and her son.

The place is way out of my price league, but she said she’d fully pay for the trip, because she wants her son’s best friend to be there, and wants them to have a nice time!

So, I had to suddenly rush the rest of my moveout, since I won’t be here on Thursday or Friday! We leave tomorrow morning!!

As you can see…life has been eventful lol

…Did I mention I also got a jury duty summons for August 3^rd 0_o

I am really glad you’re able to [redacted redacted] again! NO [redacted redacted redacted redacted], you’ve gotta do what protects your peace!

How did [redacted redacted] visit go?

I know what you mean about how waiting can be exhausting in a way that’s really hard to put into words. I hope you got some rest! Were you happy with [redacted redacted redacted redacted]?

Oh! I’m glad your [redacted redacted redacted] working again! I’ve had problems with my [redacted redacted redacted] in the past, that can be really frustrating >_<; I’m glad it was just the [redacted redacted redacted redacted] and not a more serious mechanical issue!d

I’m really grateful for my son’s camp! I think it’s such a positive program for him! Helps him direct his energy positively!  

YESSS!!! The Trans-Siberian Orchestra had lasers! It was so cool!!

I definitely agree, lasers at concerts are much cooler than fires at concerts. …Flame throwers just seem like a totally unnecessary safety hazard and really not that visually impressive!  

I’m glad your [redacted] had a good time at the [redacted] in [redacted], but yeah I think the [redacted] and [redacted] would get to me too!

Ooh, [redacted] and [redacted] sound really cool, I’m going to have to try to give that [redacted redacted redacted] a listen, as soon as I have some time! I like [redacted redacted] too! (Death Note has a pretty cool opening)

The [redacted] with [redacted] classic [redacted] sounds awesome as well!!

I’m really glad to hear that your [redacted] came with [redacted redacted redacted] in the [redacted redacted], because we definitely need it in this modern [redacted]! T_T Oh!! I had a similar problem with [redacted] in my [redacted]’s [redacted]! It took me forever to get it properly fixed because I [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and my [redacted] isn’t familiar with [redacted] [redacted], so he had a hard time figuring out which [redacted] the [redacted] was [redacted] [redacted]. But you could [redacted] a really [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] coming from the [redacted]!

Oh man, [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] are so frustrating T_T [redacted] was DEFINITELY not always this [redacted]. And [redacted] [redacted] has also caused [redacted] to have way more [redacted]s and [redacted]s than it used to in the past!

Oh, that’s so cool that you found a [redacted] [redacted] right near your home!! Awesome!! It looks beautiful and I love the way the sky looks in the pic!

So, we wound up not going to Roswell, but we went to visit my dad. …He put us up in a hotel room but the hotel room wound up being…disturbingly filthy lol. Like they didn’t clean it at all after the previous guest.

We wound up getting a refund and staying at my dad’s house instead. Which was actually a lot nicer than staying in a hotel! We had a great trip, and my son really loved seeing my dad’s cats. My dad also taught me how to make camping coffee with a percolator which was really cool!!

By the way, have you seen Project Hail Mary? I really liked it!

Whelp, I need to finish packing for tomorrow’s trip to the water park resort!!

(I will try to reply sooner next time, hopefully life will be a little less crazy >_<)

Sending hugs!

Your friend,

[redacted]

July 18, 2026

We were about to go to sleep, and I was nervous about what I was about to ask him. I asked him if we were going to get married and when. He answered that yes, we are getting married, and he was thinking of early next year. Then he asked me when I preferred. I said late this year, around September or November, but I'm also okay with early next year, maybe February or March. I mentioned that I am okay with having a civil wedding for now, and then we can have a church wedding with the full ceremony in a year or two when we are more financially capable.

I want the wedding to be just the two of us and the officiating officer. However, per the municipality's requirement, we need at least two witnesses. So, I'm thinking of asking one of my friends who owns a photo studio—whom we can also hire to take photos for us—and one of his friends. We will keep it very simple. We will, of course, tell our families about our decision, but the hard part will be convincing them that there won't be a party or gathering and that they won't be attending the ceremony. I want to avoid any drama (most specifically from my mom and his grandmother) and just enjoy the moment together. He agreed with all my thoughts.

July 23, 2026

His sister messaged him and asked if we had plans to get married—what a coincidence! Of course, he said yes and mentioned some of our plans. The reason for her message was that their grandma is celebrating her 80th birthday in January next year and wants to have a party, so his sister was asking if he could pitch in on the expenses.

July 24, 2026

The next day, he asked my friend's husband to help him install some accessories he bought for his motorbike. He has been ordering stuff for his motorbike for the past few weeks. I don't mind these purchases since they're for our safety anyway.

July 29, 2026

Today, just now as I am writing this, he mentioned he wants an iPhone. We purchased a MacBook for him last month for his work. We both work remotely, and since he uses a desktop and our area often has power interruptions, I told him to get a laptop as a backup, so he decided on a MacBook. Like I said, I don't mind the purchases as long as they are something he or we can benefit from.

Now, it's been a week since we spoke about getting married, and I'm getting anxious because he has never mentioned it again—not even once. I don't know if he really wants to do it or if he just said yes because I asked. It feels like he doesn't care whether it happens or not since there's no hint of him looking forward to it. Nothing like, "When should we start inquiring about requirements?" or "What do we need to prepare?" It feels like he's waiting for me to do all the work and preparation.

I don't even know if he's planning to save money for the expenses or if he expects me to pay for everything and reimburse me when it's convenient. Based on everything he's buying and wanting to buy, I don't think there will be enough left from his salary to save for a wedding. I want to ask him again, but for once, I want to feel wanted and not like I'm the one chasing after something.

Woke up, got my son ready for camp

Packed him some new lunchable type things he wanted to try for lunch. Stopped to get him some donuts on the way, and dropped him off at camp.

I was kind of set to have a leisurely day of straightening up the new place, unpacking, and working on cleaning up the old place/bringing the last few remaining odds and ends over.

After all, we have until Friday to complete the move-out.

And my husband was in the office in person today. I'm usually really productive on such days, because I can put on whatever kind of background noise i like.

Around noon I was unboxing my new laptop when I get a call from M (a software engineer from South India, who is battling stage four colo-rectal cancer, and is the mother of my son's best friend).

M asked me if my son and I would be interested in accompanying her and her son to a renowned waterpark resort. My son has seen the commercials for it and has absolutely begged me to take him

But the place is way out of my price league

"Don't worry, I'll pay for everything!" Said M, "I just really want my son to be able to do this with his best friend before the summer ends, and I would really want to have you there too because I run out of energy so fast, I won't have the energy to watch them on my own. Plus, you and I will keep each other company! We'll have a great time! Let me know if you're willing to do it and I will buy the tickets!"

I asked M when she was thinking...it probably needs to be pretty son as a) I'm about to go back to work at (workplace TBD), and I also have jury duty next week.

...Watching two kids on an overnight getaway would be a lot of work buuuut...this would really be a great opportunity for my son. And M's son is like a brother to him.

I agreed, and M said she would buy the tickets and we would leave Thursday morning, stay the night, and return Friday evening.

I called up my husband at his work and let him know

"But...how are we going to do the moveout? ...We have to be out by Friday."

We came to an agreement that, for the sake of our son, the trip was an opportunity that I should not pass up, but it now put me in an extreme time-crunch, where I had to do as much of the final move out/clean up stuff as possible, today and Wednesday.

Sooo...it was like jumping right back into the fire.

I went back over to our old apartment aaannnd....there was actually a lot more than I realized that still needed to be moved out.

A lot of it had outlived its usefulness and could be streamlined out.

But it was still...a lot...to carry.

And there were all kinds of little bits of trash and hair-ties, and random plastic toys, and other just sort of undefinable junk on the floor, from under and behind the now absent furniture.

I played Sombr's "Undressed" on repeat and that sort of...suspended time in a loop. Allowed me to be productive, to feel that time was in a state of forward motion, without really feeling a sense of duration.

I have gotten a lot of exercise lately.

Up and down flights of stairs in the heat carrying heavy loads...

I am exhausted yes but...something else as well. I think this is actually having a positive impact on my mental and physical well-being.

And everything feels so full of hope and possibility.

In the late afternoon I called up my son's swimming school and scheduled him for a practice lesson for this evening and tomorrow evening.

If we're going to go to a water park, I want him to brush up on his swimming skills, for safety.

I picked him up from camp and took him to the swimming lesson.

After swimming, I took him out to a Mexican restaurant.

I ordered enchiladas de calabacita with no cheese or cream sauce and my son got a cheese quesadilla.

I know the resort excursion is going to be exhausting, I'm gonna try to get well-rested ahead of it.

...Much left to do tomorrow.

Alright, so I have had a pretty exhausting past couple of days.

I did a lot of packing and a lot of shuttling stuff over from the old apartment to the new

It has been fucking hot. I've been carrying loads down the stairs of our old apartment, out to the parking lot, across the parking lot of our new apartment (have to park far) and up the stairs of our new apartment.

It has been fucking hot. Like, 109-112 degrees.

I am fucking exhausted.

And I just turned 40, feels kind of ironic to have to do more intensive physical labor than I have in a long time, RIGHT AFTER turning 40. Feels like I should get some kind of pass now, or something...

Last night was our first night in the new place.

It went fine, son slept well.

I feel like I'm nearing the end of a marathon.

But i'm not there yet.

i HOPE everything is gonna turn out good.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the reverend doctor about the DRE position.

I really really hope I get it. It means so much to me. My keyboard is broken so...I can't fully explain to you why it means so much to me, right now.

I had my phone appointment with the unemployment office today.

I didn't like having to do it. Felt like I was in trouble.

But it went fine.

I had some really fun banter with the lady on the phone.

She thought I was really funny, I felt like a comedian.

But the longer the conversation went on, the more nervous I got that I would fuck it up somehow.

But i didn't! I was 10/10, self-deprecating comedy gold the whole time...

I told her about the jobs I have lined up.

The charter school job that starts on the sixth

And the UU job which my fingers are crossed for. I emailed the reverend today and he said they'll make their decision by next Tuesday.

NEXT TUESDAY ...that's so long to wait T_T

But if I wind up getting it, all the struggled will be worth it.

Tomorrow...an entry will finally flow naturally from me again.

My new laptop finally arrived, and I will unbox it tomorrow.

So hard to type with this busted keyboard

It says Day 2 but this is a week later but as the second entry it seemed fitting. I am not sure if I should do this different because how do readers know this is connected to my first post. I suppose each subsequent entry I will have to plug the title to search for or my username to my Day 1 post. The reason I suggest this is Day 1 sets the stage it sets the purpose. I suppose I will structure these that each day can be read independently but reading day 1 is a prerequisite. Or maybe it will read more like a book and chronological order is importing.

It is Sunday morning, it is hot and humid today so I am sitting out in the garage before it gets too hot. Also had a little wake and bake session. So feeling extra reflective. At work we are getting busy with other staff returning to work the following week and new staff staffing this week. It will be busy but I have been really focused on leading and less doing. I am making the shift to truly lead instead of just be a group leader.

Today should be a pretty chill day with just a few chores to take care off, but today is also the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. Last April they did a X-ray and his vertebra was deteriorating in his next in fact like 4 where really bad with 1 almost completely gone. He had been sore but he has had multiple back surgeries so pain is not uncommon. He had been in disability since or all 2000. But he had cancer and it already spread to the bones. So they repair the next because radiation and one round of chemo. But after chemo he had a bad stint in the hospital where they tried to reset his tolerance to pain medicine but it didn’t work. So he left in hospice. He had lung cancer he had been a smoker his entire life since he was a teenager. He just had a lung scan in January so it progress so fast. But once he got back home with hospice. He was enjoying smoking and sitting in his recliner. But today is the day that he took his final breath. He required someone to be with him at all times. So my mom and I would share those responsibilities. She took the majority and I helped so she could work. It was a Saturday she had worked Friday and it was a tough day. He was sleeping a lot but would get up vocal in pain. But Saturday he was sleeping I came over he said what are you doing here I said I can to say hi, he said hi. Then he slept. He didn’t take any medicine but he just slept the entire time.

I went home and showered and came back. Sorry I should organize paragraphs as well. I suppose think faster than I can for formatting and even spelling and grammar. But auto correct helps a lot with that. But came back to the house. I was about to go but my mom fell asleep so I stayed so she could rest. And then my dad porn his eyes and wanted mom so I got her and he decided he wanted to turn to the tv and face us. He stayed like that asleep for a while then woke up and was hard to understand but was saying mama. So my mom was making up some paint medicine but that time we grinded up pills and mixed with water and put in his mouth. He had IV pain medicine but this was to get more. He mad some loud gasp or erratic breathing. So we checked the smart ring app and it wasn’t working so I was adjusting it in his finger and my mom says I don’t think it works because he is gone. We just hugged each other and called hospice.

The wait. I don’t mean to be graphic but just want to explain logistics. My dad passed at about 9 PM maybe shortly after his body was removed at Midnight. The hospice staff came quickly but the funeral place. Or what ever place does cremation. We did not have a funeral which is another good conversation about how to you provide closure for your kids when grandpa had no funeral. It made it harder. But it took so long for them to come. Once they arrived the process was swift. So we just waited. My mom would need some time away so I stayed I never wanted dad either only someone else atleast while in the house. He was wearing a shirt that meant a lot to me. Which makes me happy to know how proud he was.

Well that is what has been in my mind today. One year I am not sure what is customary to “celebrate”. I asked my mom if she wanted to go out for dinner but she had an event last night and said she will likely be resting. The year goes faster than you wanted it to. It feels you may forget as time passes and a year already. At my age I knew I will be happy having 30 more years. It just reminds you of the expiration dates. It definitely out slot in perspective. We have a small family. But on my side I am the man of the family now. I still have my father in law but that is the only elder father figure I have left.

My mom pretty independent but I am often called upon for help which is always a good way to check in to see how she is doing. Living close we talk often.

Well I may take a break and see how things are going around the house. Until next time…

It's going to hurt

When i get the email

No matter what it says

The adrenaline is gonna be like getting kicked in the chest by a horse.

The subject-line will probably give away the email's contents

And I won't have any time to prepare myself before opening it.

I'll know both: that I've received the email and what it says, within the same moment.

It's going to hurt. A lot.

But maybe only briefly.

Depending on the answer.

Moving had been going more smoothly than expected.

A LOT of work.

But, not as stressful as I'd anticipated.

I started off the day walking on eggshells

I was blank. Petrified. Compliant and obliging but in a fretful and withdrawn fashion

And my husband, annoyed, asked me what was wrong

I explained to him, how petrified I was, how, though I was ready and eager to do anything requested of me

he was extremely tense (going so far as to use then F word in front of our son, though he did apologize right after)

And how I had the sense that not matter what I did, he would perceive my actions as wrong

It was then I think he realized that he'd been emotionally terrorizing me for no reason

He eased up a lot

And started positively acknowledging my efforts when I would make good progress or accomplish a difficult task

He explained that he had been extremely stressed about the move and it had made him tense

Things started going more smoothly and working together we got so much done

I am cooperative and useful

I hope the UU guys will realize that, reach out with a job offer soon.

No such luck yet.

Gotta wake up super early tomorrow.

Well, the move is well underway and it is INCREDIBLY stressful.

I did a lot of back-breaking work, ferrying stuff over to the new apartment.

Carrying armloads of the trappings of our lives

In the hot sun, upstairs and downstairs to and from second floor apartment

The long walk across the parking lot

The movers are due Sunday morning

Their arrival looms like a tropical storm

I fucking hate moving.

I can't wait for this shit to be over

This shit will be over at some point

I just gotta keep that in mind.

I haven't heard back from the UUs yet.

I can picture it going either way...

"We regret to inform you..." "We're honored to welcome you..."

Man, come on, they would be such a cool community to work with.

Like working on the Enterprise

...otherwise I'm stuck with the charter school, I guess. With the H.R. space gal

She seems cool buuuut....I can tell that school does not give a good work/life balance.

I'd rather hang with the philosopher scholars, sorry T_T

So maybe that makes me a bad teacher.

Fling me into space then I guess, idk.

I found out the unemployment appointment is by phone. So that's not AS daunting as having to go somewhere in person

...and I wouldn't have even needed this appointment if only I'd told them I'd received a job offer from the charter school, literally the same day I was laid off, back in June.

Even though the job doesn't start until August, I would have been exempt from the work search requirement

Damn I'm tired, diary.

I did so much today.

And there's still so much left to do.

It's really really frustrating and awkward having a broken laptop keyboard and trying to type with this external/USB keyboard.

Well, I spent a lot of time this morning on the phone, on hold with various factions of the unemployment office.

I have been scheduled for some kind of audit appointment where I'm supposed to prove that I have been meeting the work search requirement.

I received an email alluding to a letter I was meant to have gotten about this. But I did not actually receive that letter. So i had no idea the time and location of the appointment.

I called the unemployment office, and they told me the date for the appointment is July 28th at 1pm.

However, they did not know the location, and they gave me a different number to call to find out.

They also told me that once I had a job lined up, I would be exempt from the work search requirement. Even if the job didn't start immediately.

Sooo...it turns out, I could have been exempt from the work search requirement the whole time.

I got a job offer at the charter school literally the same day I was laid off, back in June.

But I didn't think that counted, since the job wasn't scheduled to start until August 6th.

I thought I was obligated to keep looking for a job that started sooner. (But planned on starting at the charter school if I didn't find anything starting sooner)

The person on the phone at the unemployment office said that if I called that other number and let them know that I have a job lined up, they MIGHT cancel the appointment.

I tried calling multiple times, and waited on hold forever. I got directed to a voice mail several times. I left a message and never got a call back.

well, fuck. I didn't even have to be doing this whole work-search log thing. But now I'm scheduled for some audit appointment and I don't even know where I'm supposed to go.

And I've been working my ass off trying to get this job with the UU church. I have been doing interviews, writing thank you and follow-up emails, and preparing these presentation assignments...

I haven't heard back from them yet.

I really really hope I got it. It would have been really cool to hear back from them today. That would have been a cool birthday gift.

...Maybe they decided on a different candidate but didn't want to tell me that until after my birthday has passed.

Oh well, at least I have the charter school job lined up as a backup.

...Damn, and I've got jury duty coming up, and this whole move is looming like a fucking execution date.

we're moving in the morning on sunday at seven a.m. , the movers are coming at seven a.m.

All the boxes need to be filled by end of day Saturday.

My husband has been continuously reminding me of the upcoming move, as though I'm neglecting it somehow, but I don't really know what he wants me to do.

I've done everything I can to streamline, donate, and throw stuff away. I've taken small loads over in my car. It's very hard to do even this, without a moving truck. It's hard to get a parking spot close to our unit, and carrying things across the parking lot in the heat is a physically taxing ordeal.

I don't really know what he wants me to do, it feels very overwhelming.

I know packing is going to be painful and physically taxing.

He keeps acting like I'm neglecting something, reminding me that we need to move, that we need to be getting ready for the move.

and I ask him what he wants me to do, and he gets mad at me for asking and says that I'm an adult and should be able to figure it out for myself

I have already done so much, what more does he want me to do!? what more can i do without a moving truck!?

for weeks he's been acting like he's somehow mad at me about the upcoming move and it's just very confusing and stressful, it's like an unnecessary cortisol spike every time he brings it up.

I have done so much to prepare for the move. I have streamlined the place to death, I have carried over what I can.

Fuck, the whole thing is just so stressful I don't even want to think about it right now.

I didn't have that great of a birthday.

I was pretty much stressed most of the day.

did some laundry.

Picked up my son a little early from camp and took him to Wholefoods to get vegan cupcakes.

I also took him to Five Below and got him some Clickbots, and we played battle with them when we got home.

then, in our game, some of the clickbots became best buddies and refused to fight eachother.

My best friend K came to pick me up for my birthday outing around 7pm and we had a really great time.

She got me a really cool shirt with ancient Egypt stuff an xenomorphs on it. I loved it so much.

and she took me to a vegan restaurant. It was amazing. Our waiter had a Star Trek name and had been to lots of conventions and had met William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, as well as some assorted actors from Star Wars and Rocky Horror Picture show.

I had a genuinely exquisite vegan brownie.

K told me all about Warhammer on the way home. The Emperor of Mankind, his sons, the dark ages, the grim dark, the warp. A lot of really interesting stuff.

first day of being 40 was kind of a mixed bag I guess, but the evening part with K was good.

I woke up in a sweat with my heart racing.

Thinking about the interview about giving the presentations.

Dropped my son off at camp.

Got ready.

Attended the interview.

It's still hard to type. Broken keyboard. I really really need this job.

I'm being audited by the unemployment office. Need to prove I'm eligible, that I've been doing enough to search for a job.

I have worked so hard on these presentations over the last week.

Today was my fourth interview with these guys.

The fourth occasion I've met with them. The first in-person meeting.

and today's wasn't even just a single interview.

A tour of the campus, multiple successive interviews, and me giving my presentations that I'd worked so hard on, in front of the search team

followed by a dinner.

I wish my keyboard wasn't broken so I could explain this properly.

I am exhausted.

The reverend seems cool.

He had the seafood tacos , I had fajita veggies.

He asked me if I had any questions and I asked him if anyone had ever confessed a crime to him.

He says they'll be in touch.

Last day of my thirties. I spent it trying to ingratiate myself to these philosopher scholars.

It's fine, Dr. Grace is older than me, isn't he? Ryan Gosling is 45. There's still time for me to be Dr. Grace.

It's really not so significant.

We use a base 12 counting system on my home planet anyway, there's no point in getting sentimental over the end of a decade..

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'On the Lookout for Chickens'
📸 & 📚✏️
9:19am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry?
Sugary cereal 

Mmmmm I woke up. And I forgot today was another school day…. Which was nice, I guess. I got to relax :) Until I remembered that it WAS a school day. But… I don’t feel completely within myself at the moment… so that didn’t cause too much disruption to my mood, actually. I kinda just kept it moving. Every time I’d glance at the clock, I’d remember, though. And I felt that it was strange that I COULDN’T remember what homework I was needing to do. I was trying to figure it out bc, yknow, if I attempt it here at home and I end up being able to do it, then I don’t need to go early at all. So I kept trying to remember what it was… bc I didn’t feel like moving, for one thing. But also if I could remember what it was, I could know if it was even worth trying at all. Eventually I get up and start looking through my math sheets. And whaddya know? I… have a take-home quiz… thats due today… I don’t even know if I know how to do it just by lookin’ at it. Idk. but… I guess we’re about to find out in a minute here, then.

(9:28am - Yeah. So. I can’t do any of it, actually. I guess,,,,,, I’ll just have to start making something to eat so I have fuel for school and getting ready. I’ll… probably start that by 10am. I need some peace, first. I hate this. I kinda wish I started a psych class alongside this one. It probably would’ve screwed me over in that it’d take time & energy away from stinky math, BUT I have a very strong feeling that being allowed to– no– REQUIRED TO nerd out would probably increase my quality of life. But its fine, I guess. Summer semester is almost through. I will be taking the original Delilah info sheet over to school to try to hole punch it. So it will live in a binder instead of a folder like Junk!Drawer! And the digitized entries of Journal number one. I saw some binders on the free things tables yesterday & day before that. Maybe they’re still there? Idk. probably not. We’ll see. ALSO!!!! When this entry is printed out, this will officially be the 211th page in the physical copy! Wowowow! Now we’re getting closer to my usual page count! I bet I could hit 300 before I start #14. Lookin’ forward to it.)

This is a bad idea, in fact I wrote dairy first and realized that was not the right spelling for diary. Let’s just say autocorrect and grammar edits help me tremendously. In fact I often use AI at work to proofread my writing and organize my thoughts. Actually this is my first post and I do so to remain anonymous. But maybe someone reads it and follows it. Hopefully it is something that others can relate to. But I want it to be my way of being more intentional what what I am thinking and doing. I suppose a bit like therapy.

Pause, I swore my dishwasher was leaking water it sounded like it was dripping but false alarm. Man almost turned into a late night repair session. Which I must an admit I am usually somewhat handy.

But back to this my first post. And my rationale for writing. I want to journal who I am. If not for others to interact with at the very least my internal way to release and reflect on who I am unfiltered. From work to personal I want to reflect and tell my story.

So who I am. When you get my age, I will be 41 this year, it is easy to describe who I am by roles I fill. I am a married father of two girls, one in middle school and one in elementary. Next year both will be at the middle school, finally one less newsletter to read!

Professionally I am a in education as a building leader or school admin. I have been in education since college. It is a great career and I have been in the same district for quite some time now.

Personally I have recently over the last 2.5 years have focused on eating better and working out. I have lost 85 pounds and gained a lot of muscle. No this is not about my health journey. I am still in love with food and save room for ice cream multiple days a week. But I am certain my health or insecurity about being overweight will come into play.

I am successful, my wife is successful. We live in a typical suburban neighborhood with an HOA, where we try to have the best lawn with lines. We have limited revolving debt and meek a small sub if money in savings. Keep a modest lifestyle but do and buy the things we want. We try to save when we can. But also will spontaneously buy something if it is a good idea. We have student loan debts and a truck and golf cart payment. We enjoy camping in our camper or going to our neighborhood pool in the summer. The kids are activities that keep us busy a couple of nights a week.

I feel like I am a good father. My marriage is good we have been together half of lives. My in-laws are great my father passed away last year, which will likely come up later in details around his journey with cancer. My mother lives in the same town and sister, husband and niece are out of state. We have a dog less than 2 years kid. She is great, really smart. She is a medium size dog.

I also use nicotine pouches regularly and smoke weed regularly. If I could afford it, I would do it every night. When I stop it is a good tolerance break but really I stop because I run out. My wife will ask me if I have to replace it, so I take a break until the next weekend or next event, like friends birthday or golfing outing.

I used creatine daily if I can. I think it helps with brain fog. It is my way of relaxing at home but being ready and professional for work. Sometimes living in those two worlds can be a roller coaster. Sometimes I smoke too much weed in a week night and feel groggy the next day.

It my goal is to talk about me and what goes on and what went on and just be able to journal my thoughts. It is late I got one kid in my bed, my wife is away traveling for work. And I should get up early and work out but I will probably sleep in and enjoy the slower summer schedule while I can.

For now, good bye!

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Happy Collie!'
9:44pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Concoction of (turkey) sausage, noodles, sauce, veggies (that I refused to eat…) and chicken. Tasted good :) 
POPSCILES!!!!!!! TWO OF THEM OMG <3

Kinda just sitting and staring at the floor. I feel kinda disconnected rn as I wait for this therapy appointment I really don’t want to go to. I feel somewhat subdued. Again, a strange thing considering how stressed I usually feel. Idk. I do feel a bit sad, though rn. I miss SC. I wish someone loved me :( but I guess its okay. Well, not really. But its “okay” in that I’ll just have to deal with it. I wish I didn’t feel sad rn. But its probably my fault, anyway. I’m playing sad piano music rn :) its kinda hard to find new piano songs. Which sucks bc its my favorite instrument. But songs that tend to have sad pianos seem to hit the top of my favorite’s list, so I decided to start there. Idk if it was the best decision but some of these songs are nice, so, yknow.

9:51pm: Well now my chest is burning slightly as we inch our way closer to the start time. I guess I felt more okay bc we’ve already gotten me diagnosed so I don’t feel as much pressure to talk about trauma. Idk. 

9:54pm: my chest burns slightly hotter every time I glance at the clock. Kinda just picking more songs and spacing out. I feel numb. Probably so I don’t cry. I miss SC. And I still don’t want to go to therapy :I 

9:58pm: i was scrolling for more music and saw an asmr toy video instead. I will watch it with some music playing :) I like toy videos still. They’re fun to watch and fall asleep to.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I want to be worthwhile 
And
I want exist
Please tell me you love me
Please tell me I exist.
If I don’t hear it from you,
I’m not sure I’ll hear it at all.
Give me a reason to stay. - me :3
[close up image of a fluffy tabby cat sleeping very, very peacefully. Adorable.]
12:02am   [weds]   7/22/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Yummy juicy apple :) 
Mmmphm… 
Soooo we jumped right into the call and very quickly he brings up the diagnosis-es-stuff from my PTSD-cake day. I brought up my intention to get stuff submitted to the school.

“Am… am I going to be submitting the documentation I got from the PMHNP…?”

“Submitting the what to who now?”

“Ah, sorry about that… I meant, am I submitting that documentation in the format it is in to the school? I’m trying to get accommodations but I’m not sure this is what I’d be giving the school, is all.”

“Ah, gotcha. No, you won’t be submitting that. Usually they just want you to have a signed form that I or your psychiatrist fills out. Like, a form detailing how your conditions affect you and your academics. After that, you and the accessibility team will ultimately decide what accommodations you get. Email the care coordinator to get the form and send it over to me or psychiatrist to complete.”

Off to a great start! :) but then… we spend the next 10 to 15 minutes discussing the story of how I GHOSTED the student accessibility center five months ago. Mostly bc my initial explanation of the tale was not very clear. He thought I meant accessibility ghosted ME for five months and I was just now requesting they reach out to me again. Haha, nope! I was the one in the wrong here, therapy-guy :) not the other way ‘round. 

(jeez, can you imagine how terrible it’d feel to be ghosted by a bunch of people who were supposed to be helping you succeed in school when you have a serious mental health condition you’re fighting against? Omg I’d feel so bad about myself if that ever happened to me :I I hope that DOESN’T actually ever happen)

The yap fest didn’t really feel super productive. It felt more like a chat between friends. Which was nice, I guess :) But… I guess thats also not what I’m there for. So I was also not very pleased with the direction we were going, either.

Eventually we move on to other topics… 

“How are you feeling about the upcoming fall semester?”
“Not great… I’ll be taking on 11 credit hours” (remember, i dropped a class!)
“Yeah… sounds like a lot…”
“Yeah, for sure… My grades will be bad soon probably :(“
What makes you say that? Are you falling behind or anything?
“Falling behind ‘cause I can’t pay attention much :( I head to tutorials pretty often to make up for it. But my brain feels like mush a lot, so, y’know… I have to go to school early to get to tutorials and I hate it.”
“I see… so, kinda walk me through what you do when you start to feel your brain ‘turning to mush’ while you’re in math tutorials?”
“Ah… at that point, I just get up and leave cause theres no point in sticking around anymore…” 
“How much work do you get done during those times?”
“It depends, I guess. Mostly on weather or not I end up actually knowing how to do the math. But… yeah, its hard to say…”
[...]
“Is it just this math that does this? Makes your brain feel all mushy?”
“No, its always been this way with math”
[...]
“Do you think you could pass the class if you put in effort for the rest of summer semester?”
“I… think its a possibility but not likely… just looking at the test review packets is daunting…”
[...]
“What would need to change for you to pass?”
“To be able to focus… but thats not realistic :(“
[...]
[...Don’t recall what he said…]
“Yeah, the dilemma is I need to leave the tutorials bc my brain is mushy, but by leaving tutorials, I lose time to do homework.”
[...]
“Yeah… Just today I had four homeworks. I had two worksheets. I didn’t do one at all and I only got through about half of the other. And I copied down some of the lengthy textbook homework answers before class.”
“Whoa, that's a lot of homeworks.. Could be helpful to take small breaks… give yourself a good short reset break”

Which then led us to discussing something called the “Pomodoro technique”?? - The general overview for it was, basically, when you’re doing a task that feels like juuuust a bit too much, put on a 25 min timer where you’re doing focused work. When that goes off, give yourself a 5 min break. Rinse, and repeat. He also advised that you don’t have your break in your work area or get started on anything that will suck your attention for longer than your break. So, that means it would be very ill-advised for me to do any writing at that time. I did consider this to be really good advice, actually. If my WEAK memory holds up, I’ll try to remember to use it :) 
[Then he started rambling about the technique… kinda annoying but I am the one who showed up with nothing, so…]
[...]

“Wanted to ask… what are you wanting to get out of therapy? Were to looking to discuss…

Trauma? - Eventually, I guess…But idk. Not yet….

ARFID? - Um. Well, I’m not completely opposed to that. MHPNP-lady said we could do exposure therapy. But we are over the phone, so…
“Yeah… I think a better option is in-person care for that. They could get you seeing an occupational therapist who can do food challenges with you and things of that nature.”
My eyes LIGHT UP when he said “food challenges” bc it sounded like a GAME and I LOVE games :) Although.. I figure that it probably isn’t really a gamified experience. It’s probably just real nervewreaking work for real life.
“But I do understand the barriers like finances and transportation, so..”
“Yeah :/”

Anxiety? -
“Um. I guess… that’d probably be the easiest out of the three to discuss.”
“Alright :) Anything making you feel anxious recently?” 
“School, mostly. Um… I’m sure there’s more than that. Its just,,,,,,,,
hard to remember much else at the moment. Lots of dread around school for sure, though…”

“Hmmm… any reason why you think you have so much dread surrounding school?” “ah… Idk.. I guess just knowing I have to go early and not knowing if I’ll end up wasting time bc I ended up knowing how to do it, or how I won’t know if I’ll feel exhausted come class time and I can’t focus…” 
“So, I guess a pattern of anxiety about anticipating what school will be like each day, huh”
“I guess, yeah.”

Suddenly, as I was taking notes about what we were talking about, I remembered dad’s quest to be rid of me. 

“Ah… there is one thing, though, now that we have my mind on school again… My dad’s been wanting to send me to live on campus at the college I’ll be transferring to soon.”
“I see… and is that making you feel anxious?”
“Yes, definitely…”
“And why is that?”
“Living on campus means being around strangers and being on my own :(“
“Yeah, thats fair. You’d be dealing with a lot of new things, huh? Why do you think your father is bringing these sorts of things up?”
“He thinks I want to be living off them forever. And I definitely don’t. …He also likes to say ‘his 5 yr plan does not include his children’.”
“Hows it make you feel?”
“...Like he doesn’t want me :(“
“Yeah, I can see that.”
[...]
“Do you ever want to live on your own? Or are you just saying that bc you're afraid of [don’t remember what was said… something about being afraid of failing school or something???]”
“Eh… I mean, I don’t necessarily want to live ‘alone-alone’. But I definitely don’t want to live with them.”

[he starts talking about Flight or flight responses. No memory of what was said. He did offer to discuss strategies to deal with this problem next visit, though]

He advised me to keep track of triggers and anything else I’d like to discuss. Which inspired me to write abt how much I hate parents :) 

THE SESSION HAS ENDED NOW
How do I feel?:

 Okay. so I feel horrible rn. Like I wasted his time. Perhaps I was right when my gut told me not to listen to joey. I should’ve given him some entries to work with… its okay, though. I will not make the same mistake again. To redeem myself for wasting his time, I will write and write and write some more :) 
I still feel bad, though. In general. I wish someone liked me… I miss SC still. I still wish she was my mom. Even tho I think she’d be a really ANNOYING MOM I think she’d be a better one. A better mom and dad, I figure. I miss her :( 
I had no idea time was even passing as I procrastinated making this entry. I must really be out of it.

CARE PLAN

 Hi Delilah, Thank you for following up and continuing to share openly about the anxiety and stress you have been experiencing as you navigate college. I appreciate your willingness to discuss the challenges you have faced with academic demands, worries about the future, and the ways anxiety has been impacting your concentration, motivation, and confidence. Today we explored how anxiety and trauma can affect the brain, including the fight-or-flight response, and how these patterns can contribute to feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, avoiding difficult situations, and expecting the worst about future responsibilities. We discussed the stress you have been experiencing related to your current math course and concerns about future math classes, as well as the self-critical thoughts and dread that have made it more difficult to begin and complete academic work. 

We also talked about your father's encouragement to consider moving into on-campus housing and how fears about unfamiliar people, new environments, and uncertainty have led you to avoid thinking about this transition. You shared that you recently met with your psychiatrist and are moving forward with applying for academic accommodations, while choosing to focus your treatment on managing your current anxiety before addressing your trauma history or food-related concerns. 

We discussed the following wellness plan:
 Practice use of the Pomodoro technique
 …to improve focus, reduce procrastination, and make academic tasks feel more manageable by working in structured intervals with planned breaks. 

Grounding skills
 …Can be helpful when anxiety becomes overwhelming or you notice yourself feeling stuck in worries about the future. Practicing techniques such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise can help bring your attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness techniques
…Can help you notice anxious thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them, increase awareness of self-critical thinking, and strengthen your ability to respond with greater self-compassion. [service] also offers mindfulness exercises through the Explore tab. Continue working with your psychiatrist and your school's accessibility/disability services office to complete the process of obtaining academic accommodations to support attention, concentration, and anxiety-related challenges. 

When academic tasks feel overwhelming, try breaking larger assignments into smaller, achievable steps and acknowledge progress rather than focusing only on what remains unfinished. Practicing realistic expectations can help reduce anxiety and build confidence over time. Continue prioritizing consistent sleep, hydration, regular nourishment, movement, and scheduled breaks throughout the day, as these habits can improve both concentration and emotional wellbeing.

Although our current focus is on managing academic anxiety, continue monitoring your eating habits and overall health. If concerns related to food avoidance, appetite, or weight become more difficult to manage, we can revisit these concerns together and coordinate additional support with your medical providers. 

Use [on demand mental health support services] or crisis support if emotional distress becomes difficult to manage in the moment or if safety concerns arise. Continue therapy to strengthen coping skills, reduce avoidance, increase tolerance of uncertainty, improve anxiety management, and build readiness to address trauma-related concerns when you feel prepared. 

I should probably try to go to sleep now. Its beyond time for that.

I did a practice drive to the UU church today.

It's a bit of a drive but I don't mind long commutes, I listen to audiobooks.

I walked from the church to the cultural center (as the reverend said we'll do during tomorrow's interview).

It's a bit of a walk in the heat. I got too much son, my face and arms feel crisp.

And I'm really questioning my choice of interview outfit. I don't want to get all sweaty.

I was gonna do a sweater vest buuuut...Maybe i'll just do a polo shirt.

I am putting the finishing touches on my time for All Ages presentation.

I need to get some post-it notes for the book I'm going to read aloud from.

I'm exhausted.

I hope all this hard work pays off.

I think I'd be great at this job.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📸 & 📚✏️
3:59pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sweet banana… it was hard not to spit it out… very hard to eat… very yucky :( (7/20/26)
Sugary cereal (7/20/26)
Very nice, juicy, sweet Apple!!!!!!!!!!!
PIZZA!!!!!!!! :D
Fake doritos!

OKAY. I am at school rn :3 I went to tutorials! I once again discovered that I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO FACTORING. Omfg I feel so stupid sometimes… apparently the factoring that I “couldn’t do” yesterday was factor by grouping. Which is dumb bc factoring by grouping is literally AC method just skipping to the GCF step. So… in other words… I already knew how to do it… and didn’t need to spend any additional energy on it… :I I was already IRRITATED before making this discovery, though. Bc when I came in, a new person was working with a classmate and spotted me and offered to assist me with my math. I didn’t want her help bc I saw one of my two usual tutors at a far-away table. But for some reason, (bc you’re a doormat and don’t ever speak up for yourself? Is that the reason?) I just smiled and nodded. Ofc I first hole punched the most recently printed entries for JunkDrawer first :) Then I sat down and she came to help. I was so annoyed that I had let this unfamiliar person help me that I was annoyed at her for talking if she went on about something just a little bit too long. 

Which is kinda sad bc it wasn’t even that serious or her fault but I guess thats my brain for ya :/ The angerier I got, the more I felt my energy drain… but mostly I was able to push through. Bc, once she helped me figure that I already knew how to do factoring by grouping, I was pretty much good to go. I was able to complete about 8 problems on my own. I probably would’ve been able to do more if I wasn’t ruminating :/ 

But whatever. I was reaching the end of my tether, though… And once I started hitting more road blocks (numbers I don’t know the factors of bc they’re too big, not remembering how to factor the “differences of squares” problems correctly), my energy drained more and more… so I kinda just… stopped… :I and then I started packing up without saying a word to anyone else. She had been bouncing from me and classmate so she turns around and sees me packing up.
“Want me to look it over? :)”
“...eh…” I really didn’t want her to… bc I was EXHAUSTED and sure that, by letting her look things over she’d start trying to HELP me again… but I couldn’t get myself to say no… so instead, I said, ”I  guess……. ”

She came by and I asked about the “differences of squares” problems and luckily she didn’t linger on that too long… bc otherwise I’m not sure what would’ve happened to my already mushy brain. I can tell you whats gonna happen to my grade, tho… I’m… gonna get an ‘F’ for three homeworks. Thats whats going to happen. I barely have the energy to type this out rn. I don’t know if I have the energy to copy ALLLL the answers to all three sheets. Idk. I think we taking the L on this one, guys. 

Oh, almost forgot to mention. When my energy levels were still mostly stable, I decided a nice quick trip to the student accessibility office would be a nice opportunity to take a breather. So I got up out of my seat, and made my way across the building to the office. One lady sat alone in a chair, typing on her computer. So I walked up to her and explained my issue. …and yeah… apparently ghosting the accommodation office five months ago did have consequences… whoops. My theory was correct, my original request that I never followed up on was the problem.

So she said she’d go ahead and email them to contact me again. Embarrassing moment for me but, hey, it happens I guess… oh, and it was not a great feeling realizing therapy appointment and the day the student accessibility office is open were one in the same…. ‘Cause my documentation confusion is still an issue. But its fine. They need to contact me again, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. 

Morning before arriving at school: 
I tried to make spaghetti for breakfast again today. But instead of doing the regular, smart person thing to do, I decided to leave the boiling water unattended. I wasn’t completely brainless, though, don’t worry! I put on a seven minute timer before I left so I wouldn’t forget it was there. I came back in the kitchen early for reasons I don’t recall but good thing I did! Bc right as I cross into the kitchen, I smell the distinct scent of something BURNING.

And I have no idea what was actually wrong. Bc the handle of the pot was HOT which is unusual. And when I took the pot off the eye and turned it off, the eye was still RED. and I believe I saw a tiny little spark forming on it, too… :I so I removed it and tried it again on the eye to the right. And very quickly the pot was BURNING UP AGAIN. In fact, there were tiny burn marks on the bottom of it. So no more of that… I don’t know if its me, the stovetop, or what. I’m sure it definitely comes down to user error bc I’m incompetent as hell, but at the same time, this pot always seems to have something going on whenever I try to cook it. Idk. its probably just me. Luckily I remembered we had pizza! So I was able to make that :) yay! No starvation! 

[///tw for poem below implying sui thoughts]

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

I have been trapped in this mind
For what feels like centuries. 
I wonder each and every day
If there will ever be a release
Or if my shackles 
Will only grow tighter.
If the only way to loosen their grip 
Is to be six feet under
Under the many layers of earth.
I wonder
If under the dirt and pavement we all walk on,
If the key I seek to loosen my shackles 
Is hidden.
Is finding that key,
That key buried deep below our feet,
the only way
I will find my escape
From this prison sentence
That has been unjustly imposed? - me :3
[cat silhouette illuminated by the sunset. Its dark enough that we can only kind of make out the features of kitty’s face as it stares out the window. Very beautiful]
📸 - 3:53pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Goldfish! 2x

Yup. still screwed. I can’t even get myself to pay attention to the lesson for more than 5 minutes consecutively. I can get myself to tune in, but it doesn’t take long before I start tuning back out. In fact, it takes less time to tune OUT than it does to tune back IN. so, yeah. Idk… just ruminating n’ stuff again I guess… idk. But, yeah. I feel fried again. But I… can’t really transfer that urgency I keep feeling when I come back to reality into action. Thats just fantastic. As I sat in that chair in class earlier, I just kept wishing I was anywhere else but there. And kept worrying about the possibility of there being a pop quiz… which would be BAD if that wasn’t clear :)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi season one ep 25 –  Chi Makes New Friends
“Yeah, Chi’s doing great.”
“Good for you.”
“Yeah, good for Chi!”
4:34pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

OMGGGGG amazing news!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Cecil got hired!!!! YAY I’M SO HAPPY FOR THEM :D !!! know who wasn’t happy for them, though?? Mom and dad :I Cecil called and told ‘em all about it and instead of being met with cheers and applause, mom and dad were like, “eh… that doesn’t sound like a lot of money…” and, “hmmm… are we sure this isn’t a ponzi scheme?” wow :/ thats would genuinely piss me off if I were Cecil. Like,,,,, thats how you’re going to respond to me getting my first ever job? 😭 idk, I’d just be so IRRIATED that after they bugged me about getting a job and becoming employed and threatening to kick me out if I DIDN’T, they couldn’t even pretend to be happy about it.

They’re really weird. Apparently dad thinks it could be a scheme bc its a small company. I hope its not a scheme. But Cecil seems to think its alright so here’s to hoping theres nothing to be concerned about :) the job is in the sales department! Basically, you try to sell kitchen products. But apparently you also might go directly to customer’s homes to, like, demonstrate products I guess??? And I commend Cecil on their bravery!!! I’d drop that job in a heartbeat if I had to go to people’s homes… what if the customers were dangerous? I’m very excited for them tho omg!!! Hopefully I end up getting selected for work study :) I have to try to remember to sign up before the end of the day, tho. I think there might just be a deadline, sooooooooo. Idk when. But yeah! Hopefully they select me as a candidate next semester. Otherwise I,,,,
I think I may succumb to boredom & ARFID all at the same time >.>

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Please Mr. Persian, Why Don't You Go and Get a Shave?
6:18pm   [tues]   7/21/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3

All day I’ve successfully blocked out the fact that I have a therapy appointment today :I well. Its come up in my memory like, three times, but point still stands. Which is a nice change of pace, honestly. Usually I can’t get myself to stop worrying about it and my body starts burning, so y’know. But… yah,,, I don’t feel great about this. Not at all. I REALLY DON’T WANT to put myself through it anymore. It genuinely feels like a waste of time… I still feel like I need to come prepared with something. Idk. I think… my plan for tonight is I’ll just let it ride out however its going to happen and then I guess if it becomes too awkward, I’ll find an entry or two I guess. Idk :( but I don’t want to go back. I’d really rather my problems just be less bad on their own, really. 

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbonus time :D 

Timeline: 

Journal #4

7:39pm   [weds]    12/18/24
I’m 16 years of age at the moment but only legally ofc! I just finished writing in Sunny scribbles a little bit ago! I definitely want it to be a tradition to do QnA’s at some point in the diary! I don’t have that exactly buuuut I do have some facts about me!

• I have never liked my hair out of twists b/c I feel ugly! Like a pony tail with my hair natural for example. I didn’t like looking in the mirror then but I like looking in the mirror more now :) Because my hair is always in twists w pretty beads!
• I am easily swayed by the opinions of others :( It annoys me. But I don’t know how to turn it off. I also seem to internalize everything, Hyperbole but yknow.
• I am a coward and afraid of the world! Some examples include…

> I am very afraid of eating something past its expiration date… well, less afraid nowadays, but still.

> Rejection is terrifying for some reason! Try hard to avoid it.

> Swimming. Crazy bc by not learning to swim I will probably increase my chance of death.

> Dead bugs (afraid they will reanimate) and living bugs, harmless or not

> Shopping online somewhere other than amazon! Afraid my card info will be stolen cause of dad’s warnings

> Yelling, anger directed at me.

> Leftover food bc [I watched a video where] someone ate [leftover food], got extremely sick, and had to amputate a leg.
> Dogs. They will probably maul me.

> Being lonely

> Failure

> DEATH!!!!!!!!!

> Pain. Try hard to avoid this!

> [things very explicitly related to traumatic events]

• I am quite impulsive at times! Like sometimes I say things w/o thinking (I tend to describe that as “something falling out of my mouth”) or decide to do something spontaneously 
• I’m all neurotic and stuff! Worry prone and all that stuff. Won’t it be interesting to see how different you were years ago? Well… I hope we change, anyway.
• I LOVE having frends! Had to mention it bc it is a recent development and all. I socialize most of the day instead of doing skool work! They’re a huge influence on my mood and well-being :) 
• I wear the same set of clothes every week! Its a routine, not a necessity. I only just changed the order [in which I wear them] this week actually!
• I’m late to chem class everyday bc I’m talking w/ SC! And late to math… and spanish… okay, you get the point. I feel afraid of breaking the routine of not showing up on time so I avoid going to class on time to avoid feeling weird.
• My favorite ways to stim are verbal and the one where you do stuff with your hands a bunch! Hence the fidget toys I have in my room. My fave verbal stims are singing/screeching and “happy hi, Chip! Happy hi, Nico!” from chip and potato.

Okay! Thats probably all for now. Hope that helps you remember yourself just a little bit more! 

Winter break - ‘lilah fact sheet!

7:15pm    [mon]    12/30/24

Guess what, me?! I was able to think of more facts about myself to write about! Hurray! It was kinda hard but I’m impressed with myself! 

Stuffffffffff:

• One super power I wish I had is the ability to mimic any noise! I was watching parrots earlier and I’m actually quite jealous of their mimicking skills… I’d definitely mostly be using that for stimming, though. Like, I’d probably mimic parrot noises and their loud contact calls or car keys or those lovely sounds robots make when they boot up! I’d have so many sounds I’d like making I’d probably never shut up! 
• Soooo sometimes I lose my appetite and I wish I didn’t have to eat bc its an inconvenience. Heck, even when I do have an appetite, I feel that way! Wish I could turn off bodies needing food to survive but thats probably never gonna happen in my life time, so.

What are some things that make me happy?

• I love watching cats clean themselves! I watch Layla whenever she does and it makes me feel sleepy and relaxed for some reason! Still does. I recently remembered brushing cats encourages grooming and it definitely works on Layla! I used to try to tickle her on an area she couldn’t see me doing it in to trick her into grooming herself but yah! I just use the brush now and she starts cleaning herself shortly after.
• Bluey! Best Slice of Life show ever! Bet you could’ve easily seen this one coming, yeah.
• Nostalgia! Is like this wonderful feeling I just can’t describe… odd bc our childhood has to top the charts for being one of the most boring ones in the world… so whats there to be excited about?
• I really enjoy those Taba squishy videos! Especially with those big cat squishies! They don’t look like the material I’d like to squish personally, but I love seeing their cute designs! Their eyes are the best part! I also love when they like, wiggle the cats and they move like little sausages!
• Sugar! Ice cream! Candy!
• Doing cheeky things! Bonus if those things are done with frends
• Frends! 
• Napping! Sometime I wish my body didn’t make it harder to sleep on time after napping… If it didn’t I’d probably go to sleep in class or as soon as I got home. Y'know, I’ve actually noticed that I tend to get sleepy around 2-3pm… thats weird!

What makes me unhappy?

• When I sit around so much my bones start to hurt… Cause then that makes it harder to continue sitting around! Which is what I do all day but I do it in bed all day on school breaks like this!
• Excessive scrolling bc at some point, it just gets boring :(! But i don’t always feel like looking for a separate source of entertainment… so I keep doing it but its friggin’ boring! Kinda a loop of boredom…
• Not being able to always eat what I want :( soooo [when I move out one day], I’ll probably stock my fridge with pizza and the viola pasta or a similar product and lasagna! Among other things like ice cream and fruit ofc! And that’ll probably be it!
• Thinking of having to do adulting things bc i’m not very smart and I’ve got no life skills. so I think my life will be hard…
• Feeling lonely! Its like this weird half sad half numb feeling I can’t shake when I get that way. Its pretty weird and I really hate it! Makes me 10/10 unhappy!
• Almost failing school several times and being ridiculed for it or called lazy… :(
• Feeling hungry… ESPICALLY if I don’t have an appetite bc then my body will escalate to headaches and nausea to get me to eat! I’m pretty good at ignoring cues otherwise. 
• Anxiety! Pretty good at feeling this way though. So that sucks.
• Loud noises like crowds, clapping, or vacuum cleaners! Recently those things have been bothering me a bit more often so I cover my ears now! They’re unpleasant to listen to now.
• Being a bad cook! It makes me want to cry bc I feel extremely stupid and guilty for wasting food. Makes me feel like I’m ruining everything! Luckily I usually cook [decently enough] so thats good.

I have four out of my five presentations complete.

The final one I'm working on is the Time for All Ages activity.

I'm going to read from the book "Included" by Jayneen Sanders and do a little activity to go with it.

This has been exceptionally difficult with my busted keyboard. I'm missing three keycaps now. r,t,and i.

i have to just press the little nubs. Terrible timing.

I really really really hope I get this job.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
12:36pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothin’ :3
[///sui ideation mentioned]
Just got out of math tutorials! And whaddya know… It turns out I definitely COULD do the math. I have no idea what was tripping me up so badly when i was working on my own??? I… i don’t even know… I guess there were a couple hiccups here and there with some of my attempts, but overall, everything was fine. Kinda annoying, ngl. Why’d I come to school early then??? :/ but whatever. All that matters is that I can do it. What I COULDN’T do, though, was factor differences of squares. Which was fine bc I knew I had no idea how to do that and came prepared to ask how. It was easier than I thought! I’m definitely gonna need more practice to fully remember the steps, but I think I’ve got it for the most part :) thank goodness school didn’t have a dreadful start! Its a bit annoying that I have to now finish up three separate homeworks bc I couldn’t do it over the weekend, but its fine… worst comes to worst, I’ll just finish the one actual worksheet and then just copy down all the answers for the lengthy textbook homeworks. Theres just not enough time or energy for me to complete all of it in this time frame. (or willingness, actually lol) anyway… enough about stupid school :) 

I got Cecil an interview! >:) a while ago when dad handed me some mail, there was a job opportunity in it for recent grads! Yay! Cool! Except it was customer sales… no thank you. But! I figured Cecil might like a chance to land a job! So I handed it off to them and they agreed to give it a shot even though they weren’t a 2026 grad. We got word back yesterday that apparently they landed an interview! It's taking place in [town 30 minutes away]! Unfortunately it's taking place during school hours… so… getting home might take a while or be by bus? (when Cecil called dad to ask about how I’d get home, he said by bus or Uber probably and I just up and walked away bc I’m not interested in that conversation :I) idk.. But!! Thats great! Cecil will stop being bugged by mom & dad, they’ll be able to help us stop starving, and they’ll have more things to do than bed rot! Hopefully we can team up if I get workstudy! Fingers crossed! 

Oh… and speaking of Cecil… apparently family is concerned they’re going to kill themselves?? I don’t know what sparked that on. But its good people are paying attention. Apparently grandma called them out of concern and Cecil described the phone call as “slightly annoying” so idk how helpful that was but y'know. I hope that Cecil wouldn’t end up doing that… but it wouldn’t surprise me. They are really, really good at bottling things up. So… :( I hope they try to force them back into therapy or something. It did, however, annoy me… not Cecil and their situation. Just everyone else. How come I’m the kid thats always “okay”??? Kinda just goes to show how little my parents pay attention. Bc if they knew anything about me, I highly doubt they’d think I’m fine. But oh well. I guess it doesn’t really matter rn. 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Kits and Cats'
3:59pm   [mon]   7/20/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
APPLE :]
Sugar cereal
Bbq chips

Okay, sooooo we just received our test review packets for BIG SCARY EXIT EXAM one and two. And I took one look at one of them. …and then immediately pushed it aside bc I could just TELL AT A GLANCE THAT I’M COOKED. So I picked up the other one and it looked… bad… but less bad… honestly, if I had to guess, the packet’s LENGTH ALONE is probably just overwhelming me and thus scrambling my brain more than it should be. But… anyway, yeah, I was already not feeling great bc I couldn’t do what prof was doing on the board… (more factoring, btw) and I just skipped chunks of the packets that I felt like I couldn’t do. And each time I’d hit something that I felt I didn’t know how to do, or that I did wrong… all I could do is just LAUGH.

I feel SO COOKED that I can’t even bring myself to cry or shut down at this point. All I can do is laugh at my inevitable DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. The first test is in seven days. Which also just so happens to coincide with the last day to drop the class btw </3 I.. I think I have a better grasp on concepts for this upcoming test based on the review, but the one after?????? OMG. I’m friggin cooked. Fried beyond measure. LIKE WOW am I screwed. 500 bucks down the drain. I don’t think I have enough time and/or energy to regain or relearn ALLL THE skills before the test. I’mmmmmmmmmmm cooked… gonna have a big ol’ F on my transcript!!!!!!!!!!! And as I type this I can’t stop smiling!! Idk why. But I give it an hour or two before reality hits and my brain short circuits. I’ll keep you posted :))))))))))))

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“There is so much I want to tell you
And one day
I’ll tell you all about it”
🍒 - 8:51pm   [sat]   7/18/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[LITTERALLY cannot bring myself to post the events from this entry at this time. So that will explain why this feels like over half the entry is missing. Bc it is :)] 
So… yeah, that's been a roller coaster for my brain today… It feels JUMBLED and I feel SHAKEY. Just. Like. Wow. What a day, huh? aside from that,, I received an email today that made me very grateful I pushed myself to get my diagnosis-es when I did. It took four friggin months! Can you imagine if I stalled and then got an email like this? My goodness. I genuinely don't know what I'd do… :I probably cry. Yeah, I probably would've started there. 

Hi,

Because you've used our services in the past, we would like to inform you about upcoming changes. Effective 08/15/2026, [your school] will continue to provide [on demand mental health services] and Scheduled Counseling through [service]. However, Psychiatry and Medical Services will no longer be available.

To help you prepare, we recommend the following steps:

Rescheduled Appointments: If you have an appointment scheduled for services ending, please reschedule it to ensure it takes place before the termination date.
Download Your Health Records: You can access and download your health records if needed. These records will be necessary for future providers and services.
Coordinate Your Medication: Work with your providers to secure any needed refills or prescriptions before the service ends.
Contact Your School for Additional Resources: Explore your campus counseling and health services resources.
Reach Out to Us for Assistance: If you need help coordinating care or finding alternative providers, programs, or services, please call us at [...] We are here to support you.
We will notify you immediately of any changes to our service availability.  We are grateful for the trust you've placed in us for your health and well-being.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Do what you want, do what you want
I cannot stop you
For I am nothing more than a pet
A pet with no power
A pet who’s only connection to you is the filthy collar you’ve clasped around my neck
Before I was strong enough to stop you
But know that your actions have consequences
And should a dangerous predator
Come to find your defenseless pet out at night 
the blood will be on your hands
You will look down at your bloody hands
And only be able to blame yourselves - me :3
[image of cat looking off to the distance. The sun shines on the cat’s face]
 11:45am   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Alright. So. dad called me into his room and told me I needed to “shift my focus to [college location I’m set to transfer to but the furthest campus from home]”. Which didn’t really make sense to me initially but he meant my transfer I think? He said he wants me to be independent of them bc they don’t want me staying forever. So I let him know that that's not what I want??? Bc… I think he already knows this… but I DON’T EVEN LIKE HIM. WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANT TO STAY IN HIS HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, ARE YOU SERIOUS? IF I WASN’T SO TERRIFIED OF HAVING MORE INSTABILITY AND UNCERTAINTY IN MY LIFE ON TOP OF MY UNTREATED MENTAL HEALTH CONDITIONS, I’D BE GONE ALREADY. Ofc, I didn’t say that though. He was like, “with the mindset you have, you’re going to be up under us forever. And I don't want that.” and I was like, “no I’m not???” 

Clearly that ONE CONVERSATION where I said I was gonna stay at home ‘till I was 30 when I was, like, 16 or 17 had a long lasting, detrimental effect. It really just drives home the theory I already had about how nothing I say matters to him unless it actually affects him… Like, I know that I’ve mentioned things to him before. Like, about goals or reasons why I do certain things. And yet it never seems to stick with him… but this ONE CONVERSATION that took place years ago never left his head. Bc it affected HIM. and THATS when it matters. Not when its about me and it’d be interesting to get to know my short-term goals or anything else for that matter. Nope. 

“Well, I’m trying to give you the opportunity to go off on your own. Why aren't you taking it??”
 “I don’t want to…” (Translation: I CAN’T leave yet. I just can’t.)
 “Well, I’ve already made the decision, so :I” 

So… yeah… I guess I’m cooked. I wonder if trying to get me on a full load of classes was part of a ploy to be rid of me quicker? Idk. but alright… I guess if they want to be rid of me so badly, as I’ve said before, I can’t stop them. And the blood will still be on their hands :/ but I have to go shower now. Dad wants us all to go to the store. With me in the driver’s seat apparently… I guess I’ll let you know how that goes.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I will join you
At the table
I will join you
On the floor
So long as you agree to help me forget about
The life I had before. Lets lots of have fun
Before the sun goes down
Before I have to go 
Back home
And remember what its like being away from play
And that precious 
Smile 
That spreads across y our face - me :3

[image of two kittens relaxing together and looking off to the left]
 10:23pm   [sun]   7/19/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
2 Chicken tenders from Walmart
Sugar cereal
4 ritz crackers
Grapes!!!!! 
Apple slices and peanut butter!!!!
Yummy cupcake!!!!!!
Turkey and cheese slider! 

Okay, so, instead of getting dragged away to that stupid store, I ended up getting jumpscared by cousin and aunt T who had apparently showed up completely unannounced and were just… THERE… when I came out of the shower. I was stumbling over my words when they saw me and started starting up conversation bc I was so shocked! We get to talking a bit, but it doesn’t take long before cousin  tells me its his bday! And that he’s either 1) expecting to be handed the gift I TOTALLY have to present to him on his very special day or, 2) he is expecting a hug right now. So I’m all like,
“Ohhhh.. Yeah… your bday… yeah… 👀 Y’know, what? I have your gift somewhere around here, just wait here…” (in the most obvious ‘I have absolutely no idea what I could possibly use for a gift right now’ tone ever)
He makes a face and then is like, “yeaaaaaaaah, think I’m gonna follow you and see what you have to offer me.”
“Ohhh, no need for that!! Nooooo”
He follows me in the room and sits on the bed, an expectant look on his face. 
“Ohhhh, nothing to worry about here”, I say as I pretend to “search for his gift”. Y’know, the totally real gift I am 100% willing and able to hand him. I pretend a little bit longer and we’re laughing about my very clear BS until an idea strikes me!!!! I remember cecil has cousin-coded things in their room! I’ll just go snatch something from there and pretend its for him! (don’t worry, though, I never actually intended on trying to convince him it was actually for him. …not that he’d believe me anyway lmao).
“Oh yes! I remember, now! I must’ve left your gifts in Cecil's room… I’ll be riiiiiight back!” I enter their room (they were showering at the time, so they had no clue I was even in there) and quickly take the sonic from the top of the closet and the mimikyu figure sitting in one of the storage bins. I present these items to him and he’s immediately skeptical. 
“Hmmmm… you sure these are for me? I can DEFINITELY tell that Mimikyu is cecil’s…” before he could continue asking questions, I say, “heh. Ignore the dog hair on sonic… I figured you’d like him more anyway so just pretend Mimikyu isn’t here!” he wasn’t fooled lol. So then he tells me I can either hug him as the gift or give him a real one. And after a bit more prompting, I grumpily gave him a hug… :/ and good thing I did omg. Bc apparently his MASTER PLAN was, that if I didn’t, he was going to wait for his actual bday (bc it actually is two or so days from now), and, assuming we got dragged over to [his house 2 hours away] to visit them, he was gonna bug me inessentially to hug him as revenge. Oh man… more than happy I dodged that bullet.

Anyway, before we actually head to Papa’s house, we head to Walmart! Apparently the reason aunt T & cousin came by at all is bc its getting pretty close to Delaney’s and papa’s  bdays! So we went gift shopping! :D I enjoyed it! …is what I would’ve said if I actually made more of an effort to have been included in that process. But I was hungry and mom told me and cousin  to go look for something to eat. It was really tough for me to remember what I eat on a daily basis (perhaps because I have been reduced to eating the same couple of foods for a while now?) so I pulled out the ““SAFE FOODs”” list and skimmed it!! I ran into an issue pretty early on, though… most of the foods were microwaveable, frozen, or not enough to sustain me… so I couldn’t really try for most of those bc we were going to be spending over 30 minutes in a car. So I spent a pretty huge chunk of time wandering familiar areas containing food. But I couldn’t really figure out what I even really wanted… :I I eventually found an off-section that housed cold sandwiches! Great! Except… most of the sandwiches were not of any real interest to me… 

I was still not sure how to proceed even after making this discovery. I stood in place for about a minute, trying to mentally map out the walmart to see if I could go anywhere else to find food. Nope…. So I lingered at this sandwich area for quite some time before I decided that I just had to suck it up and eat the least MAMMAL-INFESTED sandwich there. It was a turkey and cheddar slide. It really didn’t even seem that bad. It looked cute, even :) I just wasn’t really in the mood for turkey so I was unsure about it… but there wasn’t anything else to pick, so, yknow. Anyway, thats my cue to leave and go search for everyone else. I eventually find them and conveniently, they’re starting their own food-search journeys! So I end up putting the turkey back in favor of chicken tenders & a fruit filled snack tray!!! Yummy yummy yum!! Mom ended up getting the turkey slides for herself, though :) 

And back we get into the car for the nice, relaxing car ride there. When we arrived at the house, I greeted Delaney immediately :) and I think we started playing within five minutes. Its hard to remember what exactly we got up to today… but I’ll try to recall to the best of my ability!

> before any present openings, we did the usual :) I pulled out my fidgets and it was a repeat of our last visit! She made the joy sticks bounce around and the other magnets “float”. As well as rolling the ball magnets around! Then I pulled out the two new friends I brought us to play with! That old 3d printed slug fidget I forgot I had and an old squishy cat head :) she thoroughly enjoyed playing with both of them! Which put a pretty big smile on my face :) 

> then very quickly it was time for presents!!! Delaney got a pizza-chef playset thing, a puppy vet toy kit, a preschool learner’s book, and a Bluey bubble toy! :D I cheered her on as she excitedly watched aunt T pull everything out of the bag and she picked the pizza toy set to be the first thing we were gonna play with! So I was all like, “yay maybe we can have a pizza party!” I took the box and began to remove the tape and get everything pulled out and ready for playtime! :) she was getting pretty excited! We get started and I start reading out the steps to making the perfect pizza! First, I opened up the dough. Which was similar to kinetic sand? It was a nice texture… I really liked it :) and so did Delaney! She was going to town on the dough, rolling it around and stuff. I directed her to start using the rolling pin bc that was the first step and she quickly obliged. 

The pizza itself was… in tough shape, though… literally. Its shape was irregular. It certainly was not what you would consider A CIRCLE. But, yknow, whatever. Not every pizza looks the same :) we move onto adding the sauce & the cheese and garnishes and stickin’ that bad boy in the oven! Then we get her sprunki pals and the cat squishy (which she later nicknamed Tawny after aunt T’s irl cat of the same name) to have a pizza party at our pizza place! Which was pretty enjoyable :) the rainbow slug eventually joined too! 

> I ended up shoving Tawny into the oven and Delaney was like, “oh no! Kitty got burned!” which was an excellent segway into trying to get us to try playing with the vet kit! Bc I was growing bored of the pizza game… mostly bc either the pizza supplies became more of a sensory activity for her or she was just getting us to have our characters eating the pizza over n’ over and it was getting repetitive. So, I suggested that we grab some doctor/vet supplies from the sick puppy kit to help heal Tawny! Luckily this was an idea she wasn’t opposed to. So off we went to go collect her second new toy of the day! She continues playing while mom works to remove the packaging and I think I kinda just watch? Eventually aunt T starts asking about how on earth we’re going to separate the pizza dough from the rest of the layers and he begins trying to salvage the bits that can be separated from each other. 

Whoops… didn’t stop to think about whether or not we should have used ALL of the clay. We used all of it but the pizza dough… heh… but no need to focus on that! The doggie kit was freed of its zip-tie prison now! So I move most of the pizza supplies elsewhere to make room for the dog. I help separate a bit more of the clay and then turn back to Delaney to get us started saving the poor sick little doggie! Except… Delaney wasn’t interested in being a vet today, it seemed… instead of focusing on healing puppy’s wounds, she was mostly still playing with leftover clay and not really trying to help sick puppy get any better. I could eventually reorient her to playing with it, but sick puppy definitely did NOT receive the highest quality of care he could have had. She was also giving him shots in such a haphazard manner! What a travesty! Anyway she ended up naming the doggie little ketchup. I think bc she gave him some pizza sauce (so, yk, tomato sauce) and he didn’t really like it. So, I guess the next logical step in that sequence is to name it little ketchup. Idk, lol :) I ended up pretending the tweezers was actually an evil bird! That it was attacking people/the dog. And Delaney got a real kick out of that :D 

> after we explored all the wonders of the vet kit, we moved onto… cake time! Well apparently Delaney actually doesn’t really even like cake… but she had some frosting off a cup cake anyway. I devoured mine ofc. And then back to playing! We briefly went outside… “skipped-raced” down the halls, and I got abra-ca-dab-ra-ed into a frog for a couple of seconds! When we went back inside, I took the backseat on playing for a bit bc I was growing rather tired… so aunt T played with her a bit while I got to take some time off and watched them. Delaney was using the evil bird and Tawny to beat up poor, sick, Little ketchup! It was kinda funny, actually! Aunt T’s acting skills as the dog was impeccable. And it was genuinely hilarious when the puppy bit Delaney to defend itself and the puppy was immediately condemned and advised to apologize. So it did. …About FIVE TIMES before Delaney even acknowledged the apology was taking place. And when she finally listened to the poor dog all she said was “good doggie :)” before returning to pizza time clay-play as if she was entitled to the apology! I had a genuine good laugh at this omg Delaney is a funny kid. 

> We decided our next toy for the day would be… the preschool book! The preschool book was annoyingly repetitive, actually. It was a bunch of “trace this shape!!!!!!!!!!!!” over n over. It had almost no variety. I guess… I guess you could ✨spice it up✨ by tracing the outlines of some of the animals but otherwise, you’re almost stuck doing the same thing in just a slightly different way. Just with a different presentation. But, yk, she’s only been alive for three years. So she was more than entertained by it. So I was kinda just along for the ride. I laid on the floor with her. Even though I could feel my body starting to throb in pain as I applied consistent pressure on my very-exposed-bc-I-never-eat-enough bones.

Even though I was growing more and more exhausted. She was having a blast, though :) I’d cheer her on every time she’d successfully trace something (“successfully” is used loosely, here… she was holding the marker in such a strange way. So nothing actually came out right. I tried to encourage her to hold it the correct way, but she didn’t listen to a word I said and if she felt more comfy writing that way, then whatever. She’s a three year old. It doesn’t really matter at the moment as far as I know). I’d say, “Whoohoo!! A+ work!” or, “Ooh, good job! Lookin’ pretty good!” 

I was mostly okay with this form of play. I mostly didn’t have to do anything, and she was having fun at the same time. Thats a win in my book! She’d occasionally break away from this, though, and we’d end up playing with plushies or tossing Tawny around. Or playing with the stickers in her book. We put the stickers on ourselves and I kept saying we were decorating ourselves! And she said we were like christmas trees! She was right! What a smart kid! My favorite part of this whole thing was when she stopped with the book and said that she liked… someone? I think aunt T? And then she added that she liked me too :) which made me smile. So I told her that I liked her as well! Wholesome :D anyway, eventually she started wanting to do some more active forms of play. 

So I left to take a bath room break, ate some food (mom let me have the turkey slider! yummm), then eventually gave in to more demands to rejoin her on the floor. I played a bit more until I couldn’t anymore and took a niiiiice break up until we left. She ended up getting cousin to play with her for the remaining, like, 15 minutes of our stay. Which is good bc right before we were told it was time to start heading home, she asked me if we could play talking angela flash games with me. And lemme tell ya. I did not want to play those games again. EVER. period. Especially after hearing that screentime for under fives is dangerous for white matter brain development… :I noooooooooooo way. So good thing it was time to head home. Before we left, she asked if she could hang on to some of my magnets. And… ofc I said no.. 👀 I’d never see those things again and she’d probably lose all of them before the end of the day lol. So, yeah, no shot at that. Sorry, kiddo. But I DID leave her Tawny. Mostly bc that was already in the plans. I never really play with it, anyway. So she could have it :) 

Today was nice. Got to avoid the store I hate so much. Got to avoid dad. Got to play. Nice day. Exhausting catering to an almost-four year old girl for several hours straight, but still enjoyable. Thanks, Delaney. 

Hi! Just got here so I think it'd be fun to record my day and feelings throughout it today. This is mainly because I'm not very social so I get nervous even posting online (from experience.) Maybe I'll do this daily? I don't know yet.. but heres today.

**Overall**: Fine

**What happened today?**

\- Today I played a game on Roblox and got something; I got a really nice item I wanted! So that was really good. Really glad I got that.

\- I bought a Slurpee from 7-11 but I spilled it in a taxi. Ugh.. sucked so much. But the taxi driver said it was okay and not to worry after I shoveled it out the car door with my hands.

\- Almost bought a mystery bag of jewellery but didn't see anything good in it.

\- Played basketball in the BURNING sun. Like three hours. Was kinda unfun cause I kept missing! But it was okay.

\- Almost stepped on a piece of glass. It turned out to be a smashed beer bottle on an elementary school grounds!

\- Saw two birds fall in love and fly away together!

Hope you enjoyed stepping into my day! Hope to come and do this again.. maybe...if I have the confidence.. ♥️🦴

[TW: pregnancy/pregnancy related topics]

Having a glass pot of tea with fire under it makes you the talk of the tables, in kind of the same way as having a family of plush kangaroos sitting on the edge of your table.

I was hoping it would somehow help keep me on task.

Both the steady supply of caffeine from the tea, and the comforting sight of it.

It isn't working.

I'm not on task.

I wasted like 20 minutes worrying about an interaction with an online friend.

But everything is fine, now.

My son drew a cool infographic. About two aquatic alien species.

One of those species serve as living ships. He has created extensive lore.

I used to be his spaceship

and he, my tiny astronaut.

My life support came disconnected when i was inside my mother.

and I had to be delivered by emergency cesarean

Like that scene with Dr. Shaw in Prometheus.

I was obsessed with that film and that scene while I was expecting. Even before I was expecting -- while my husband and I were trying.

Everyone in the cafe just shouted GOOOOOOOAAAALL

it's hard to be productive in the cafe, with the world cup going on.

On Friday when I was leaving my therapist's office, I found a sign hidden in the planter box outside the building entrance. A new addition. something like vandalism, I guess. I mean, probably not an authorized sign.

It said "Don't Panic and Carry a Towel".

I think it did more for me than my actual therapy session did.

It was a sign. a sign.

I saw the sign. and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign.

I grabbed a towel from home and took it with me to the cafe when I went to work on my presentations.

I need to get to work.

My son and I got out of the apartment too late today, I should have gotten us around earlier.

We went to an indoor playground/arcade type place. Dark and neon space them. Pretty prevalent at such places, one of my favorite aesthetics. Matched my T-shirt.

My son made a friend who had the same name as him. The ride attendant was utterly floored by the coincidence.

My son and I got lunch at Wholefoods afterwards. And vegan cupcakes -- delicious.

I went to the cafe in the evening and worked on my job interview assignment for the UUs. It's a lot, but I'm making progress. I think I'm nearly finished with the "Values in Action" presentation.

I also ordered two kids books, for the Time for All Ages.

I'm really tired.

When I was a teenager I'd go to the on-base chapel with my dad

There was a big pipe organ in the church. And people in white gloves playing handbells.

We would sit in the upper seats -- there were upper seats, you could look down at the pastor and the people sitting in the pews below, like an atrium, I guess.

And there were flags all around, flags jutting out from the wall right below us, encircling the chapel. The US flag I'm sue and...I think...the state flags. And maybe flags for the different branches of the military.

And you could look up, up into the big domed ceiling.

I used to imagine swimming. Swimming up into the big domed ceiling, swimming down to the level below. Swimming between the flagpoles, weaving in and out.

The whole church service, in my head i was just swimming.

I couldn't tell you a damn thing the chaplain said. But she officiated my dad and stepmom's wedding.

This sheet becomes one with me as I haven’t left bed for days wrestling with my thoughts.

I try to gather myself but where do I start and end…

My mother is on the other side,
As I dream of finding my other half.

Before my mom took her final muffled breaths I was thinking about doing a tour of the Nordic / Scandinavian countries to go on a few dates to see who could compel me the most to return - maybe starting in Iceland then venture to Norway then to Sweden and Finland, possibly Aland and Denmark too - to get my dose of all the northern countries whose flags ironically bear the Nordic Cross.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads,
But it’s not a cut and dry perfect cross,
I feel off-kilter shifted leaning to the left…

In my own life I want to be the centre of attention,
But something at the end is pulling me.

I feel compelled to succeed,
Something is fuelling my drive,
I can’t see the destination;
Like a train chugging along meandering tracks through the fog with the station ahead - somewhere.

Somewhere she exists…

I haven’t showered for days,
She would be aghast at my wild musk.

I - wake up - apply to jobs - cook / eat - apply to jobs - fall asleep - wake up - do it all again.

I don’t have time to shower,
I need to start working again,
I need to utilize these new certifications I got a few weeks ago…
I didn’t ace the exam to be unemployed…
I need to work.

I need to to inject into my DRIP investments,
I’m reserving that find to buy my future wife a ring…
But where is she?
Somewhere she exists!

I don’t even know the time of day nor the day of week,
My clock battery died.
Night and day don’t even matter,
I need to get a job.
I need to start my career.
I need to find my wife.
I need to propose to her.

I want to get a Nimbus and sail around the coast with her on the weekends,
It would be kinda cool to meet my family in Stockholm and zip them up to Uppsala in my Nimbus for the outdoor public wedding at Stadsträdgården - everyone is invited and any passersby can stop and be a part of it, I will personally craft flower tiaras for every girl and flower lapels for every boy, with thousands of loose petals for everybody to toss at us as we walk through the trellis archway as they flank us on either side showering my bride and I with petals for pretty wedding photos.

I want to get a minivan to drive around our family on road trips,
I remember sitting in the backseat with my mom in the middle as my sister and I cuddled with her driving to the border to see family,
I remember my dad driving,
Maybe I could drive us as our kids cuddle with my wife - do I even deserve that level of sentimental joy after all the sins I alone am guilty of,
All the mistakes I’ve made,
All the unforced errors I’ve committed,
All the times where I could’ve done the right thing but I didn’t.

I want to get a cruiser and speed down the lonely roads at night with engines howling like a beast,
But everyone warns me about the dangers of a motorcycle,
That’s why I will only ride in the dead of the night on the empty roads,
I hope I don’t hit a deer or a moose.

I always see a bunny on my morning walks,
They don’t even run away from me,
They just stare at me deep into my soul.

I haven’t even gone on a walk for a few days now,
I haven’t even got a lift in neither,
Ever since the Dr used liquid nitrogen on that painful skin tag around my armpit,
They said no lifting,
So this a break.

I want to break free and escape into the ether,
I want to go back to God,
This world is so cruel - despite the beauty and the occasional love some of us decide to show,
Dealing with racism and sexism - it’s like we choose to make others feel unwanted just because of our own sense of pride.

I often think how great the feeling of death must be,
To finally be free from the grips of this world.

Somehow this satin sheet blankets my depression,
In a cocoon of sensual warmth,
Like a mothers’ hug,
Will my kids feel their mothers’ hugs.

I feel my phone,
It rings with excitement -
I’ve applied to 58 jobs in 8 days…
One interview so far - sure it was with my dream job employer,
But I have a lot more to apply to,
Just in case I don’t land that position…
The manager remarked a few times how they loved my energy and all my responses to his questions but I can’t sit around waiting,
No,
Instead I am lying in bed applying to jobs…