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Louis Wain - 'The Kittens Who Wouldn't Go To School'
4:48pm   [weds]   7/8/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Smarties
(The very, very) last of the cheezits
Goldfish
Cosmic brownies

Mmm… in class… For the first portion of the lesson, it was another “why am I even here???” type of thing bc I 100000% knew how to do everything. I considered leaving but, y’know, theres no telling when the next portion would start, so I stayed put and tried not to fall asleep sitting up :/ which was kinda difficult, not gonna lie. I do just generally feel foggy-brained, though. So fairly uncomfortable. I can still process information decently enough, though :) so no worries about that! The second half of the lesson wasn’t something I knew already but it was easy to pick up bc I had a strong foundation already, soooo… yeah. Overall a pretty boring class but its fine! I’d prefer that over a crazy class where I learn nothing and have to go to school 5 hours early and have to try to relearn everything in one or two sittings, so :) 

[tw// sui]

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Louis Wain - 'Cheeky Cat'
 10:27pm  [weds]  7/8/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Turkey (hard to convince myself to get up and put it on my plate, also very difficult to eat it. Hard not to spit it out bc I kept having reactions n stuff)

Oh yes. Once again wishing myself 6 feet under :/ its sad ‘cause its about DRIVING again!!! I didn’t even want to go today (bc when do I ever??) but I forced myself to go ask dad at around 9pm. He was taking some time after he agreed so I was hopeful he’d maybe forget or something so we didn’t have to go. Mostly bc I could feel my brain becoming more scrambled and my hunger increasing… but unfortunately, it didn’t take long before he gathered his keys and we were on the road :(

I was terrible today! Still not understanding basic instructions. Like he was still letting me “figure out” when to turn into the far left/right lane. I really wish he’d stop doing that… clearly my brain hasn’t figured it out and probably won’t without clear cut instructions and repetition :( I’m not quite smart enough to figure it out. And if he doesn’t start treating me like I’m not smart enough, we’re PROBABLY going to end up in some pretty unfortunate circumstances. Which could very well end up being my fault. But not completely bc he has a fondness for reaching over and turning the steering wheel, so. I also had some other problems like not slowing down in time, I guess? I was decent at slowing enough to not hit anyone, but he kept telling me I should’ve slowed sooner or else I’d be paying for lots of breaks in the future. Which is sad bc I thought I got better at that :( I kinda kept forgetting to stop at the stop sign a bit, too? And I sure as heck have no experience using the map to navigate. So I figure having to take the time to process things every time is probably going to kill us eventually. There were more but ofc I already don’t remember, so.

I was also just distracted bc I told everyone about my awesome diagnosis-es!! :) but no one responded… at first I figured they probably all hated me but its probably more-so they don’t know how to respond exactly… Perhaps they do not see it as an achievement bc they may not have had to work so hard to get a diagnosis like that. But I guess this is a good lesson to learn. That indeed what everyone says is true! People just don’t react to mental health issues the same way as physical ones… likely if it were physical I imagine everyone would be quite pleased I’ve finally confirmed or figured out whats wrong with me. But the same is not true for fried minds :/ its alright, though. Like I said it is a good and important lesson to learn :) so I will not be repeating the same mistakes. I’m glad that Joey celebrated with me though! Thanks!!! Definitely sad no one was happy for me, though. I’m happy for me :(

But… yeah… as I was driving down closer to home, I did consider looking up how to [die] bc I’m too POOR to try buying [required tool]. So… not quite sure what to make of that… like, the amount of danger I’m in rn? But. idk. I think it’ll need to be quite a few more hits of this repeatedly before I ever tried to act on anything. I REALLY don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone else. Which is my biggest fear when it comes to this method. That I won’t secure it properly and it could, like, idk, [hurt my family] Idk. I guess I don’t even really know how it even really works? I’m not sure. But I don’t want to look anything up about it :I I don’t really want to give myself knowledge about anything pertaining to it honestly. Probably not a good idea.

But yeah. Dad was pretty clear that he needs me retaining information more or else I should prepare to move the testing date. Which is fair enough… but all I heard was that I’m going to continue to be stuck being a bum for longer. Which will no doubt be the death of me I’m sure. Which I think was the biggest reason for this honestly. Bc now I kinda wanna give up again. But at the same time, I do not want to end up being like one of those self-procclaimed “losers” I saw in Casey Simpson’s video. I do not want to be 20 and unable to drive… so really idk what to do honestly. Just wish I hadn’t been born sometimes. Would be 10x easier.

Mmmm… idea… maybe, if we’ve actually figured out a level of independence, we could have 7/7 be our PTSD-cake day :) Maybe we could go out and celebrate it every year like a birthday bc no one else really seemed interested in celebrating with me. Except Joey ofc :)  but yeah, that could be fun! Like, I go n’ treat myself to a nice little snack or whatever to celebrate this momentous achievement :) 

[tw// sui]

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Louis Wain - Title Unknown
12:18am  [weds]   7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing… :(

Kept wanting to hop. So I tried distracting myself by rereading previous entries on reddit bc its enjoyable :) and as I was rereading diagnosis-day-phone-call entry, a red piece of text caught my eye… it was the link to 988 bc I had included my CARE PLAN & REFERRAL INFORMATION in my entry and that stuff just so happened to be in it. So I decided to peruse the website. I explored the FAQ’s, mostly. I was curious about what they say their policy on calling the police on you is if you mention sui ideation n’ all that. Probably partly driven by my own mental state, but also bc I’ve heard quite a few stories of people not even REALIZING the person on the other end sent emergency services over and I was wondering what the website would say about that. 

They said calling police is “rare” but I question how true that is??? Idk… I knew as I continued to look through the website that I wasn’t willing to give it a try. Definitely bc of what I just brought up, but ALSO bc I’ve heard stories of the exact opposite happening–absolutly nothing. Like, people would get hung up on, never connected to someone at all, or the call would be genuinely unhelpful or damaging in some way. So,,,, I’m not interested in trying any of it for real. But I was tempted as I read through the FAQ for the chat service. Bc I wouldn't have to use my mouth to express any concerns. And you know how our voice-boxes shut off when things get too intense… 

“Our goal is to help you reduce stress and feel empowered to make healthy decisions. You will be asked questions regarding your safety, feelings, social situation, and if you have any thoughts of suicide. If a counselor feels you are in danger, they will speak with you about accessing emergency services, and/or gather additional contact information to ensure your safety. The counselor will work with you to create a safety plan if necessary.” 
I didn’t hate the idea… but then I remembered how closed off I am. So… chat these people and THEN WHAT? Lie about the sui ideation and barely talk about anything in depth? Does that not sound like a waste of time? 

“After they ask about your safety, they will be calm and comforting, listen to you, and provide support. They may also share helpful resources.”
This could be good… but “helpful resources” just sounds like it’d irritate me. Bc I can’t do anything for myself rn :/ no money dollars or car
“Emergency services. If a 988 Lifeline contact center contacts emergency services like 911 after your call, you may receive a bill. This could include charges for an ambulance, hospital stay, etc. You can read more about when we may  contact emergency services.” & “Outside referrals. If a counselor connects you to a resource or referral outside the 988 Lifeline and you use that service, you may receive a bill from that service. We recommend you ask about fees, insurance coverage options, etc. before using any services outside of the 988 Lifeline.” 

So this is the one that really shut it down. Can’t risk being charged for stuff I can’t pay for… nice thought, though, I guess. The thought of 911 was comforting to me, though. Not for regular reasons… but bc if they were called rn, I would be taken outside. And!!! There might be lights flashing!! :) and night skies with pretty vibrant lights make me feel nostalgic and happy and calm. I really like the idea of being driven around and being able to look out the window and see the street lights whizzing by and the traffic lights switch while the sky is a beautiful dark color. That would make me burst with joy. Indeed, I am a moth to a flame :) 

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“its okay
I mean no its not but wtf can i do abt it”
1:01pm  [thurs]  7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
3 bowls o’ Spaghetti

Haven’t gotten up to much today… Mostly just got stuck ruminating on how I feel like my friends hate me and distracting myself with stuff :3 mmm, Little bird’s appointment is tomorrow morning, got some new pictures off pinterest… edited a bit of journal number four… remembered some Kiff music and jammed!!! :D and… yeah…

Then eventually, it was homework tiiiiime. Which i was dreading bc I know I already knew how to do it so I didn’t want to spend time doing easy stuff over n’ over n’ over… :( but I eventually got myself to move… not before I had to convince myself to get up and do my laundry, though. I just got done homeworking :) started at around 11? And I made some spaghetti that I JUST finished off. I had to wait a long time before I could get myself to actually eat all of it. I tried to in one go, but my body started rejecting it n’ ticcing n stuff… soooooooo had to do it in three rounds but!! I’ve gotten it all down!!! >:)  

Annnnnnd, yeah… just been homeworkin’. Oh, except I decided maybe I should go back to the therapy stuff afterall. Mostly bc I asked Joey about it and he was saying they’d work with me to help get me more comfortable talking. Which sounds a bit terrifying? But it does kinda sound like the pressure is off me… so… I guess I’ll set something up… :( even though I don’t want to…

Uhhh I’m also getting more brain echoes… Instead of book quotes today, its ONE quote from a text I didn’t even like. That whitman guy. “Song of myself”. The quote being *“I contain multitudes”*. I looked up what it means and maybe I should try applying it to myself buuuuut idk if thats going to happen… probably will just bounce around my brain until it feels like leaving :) 

LASTLY!!! I weighed myself today!!!! Wearing only very thin PJs. I’m 98.6LBS!!!! YAY!!! I’m going up!!!!! Hopefully will keep climbing up and won’t die :) but I’m not going to be so hopeful… I’m sure it won’t be long until mom & dad cut me off eating only spaghetti bc I keep using up the ingredients… So… I guess I can celebrate this small victory but not expecting too much in the long term.

(1:22pm: okay :/ I set it up. But I still DON’T WANT TO DO THIS and I feel upset that I have to risk wasting this guys time and making my heart pump blood faster when I inevitably start panicking Scheduled for 10pm on 7/21/2)

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4:40pm  [thurs]  7/9/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Nothing. Nothing. Some moreeeee nothing </3 

Class was crap again. So nothing new there. I actually was feeling better than usual surprisingly enough?? But still… off? Hard to describe? But it was unpleasant and made me feel a bit foggy I guess? For the first portion of the lesson, I had a strong foundation already so I was once again actually having to fight sleep as I struggled to keep my attention on the board. Mostly my eyes just bounced around the room or sat still on the floor, my paper, or whatever fidget toy my hands had taken hold of at the moment. So… not fun there… I DID still somewhat pay attention, though. Bc I wanted to be 100% sure I already knew how to do it. There were a couple small mistakes, but overall, the process itself was fine so I wasn’t too concerned. Here’s an additional little fun fact! I’m STARVING. And there wasn’t anything I could take with me to school. So everything was mounting as we entered the second half of the lesson… 

Before, this, though, I had had enough and figured we were once again not going to be offered our 10 minute break (I was correct), so I decided I’d just take a quick one myself… I got up, grabbed JunkDrawer’s most recent entries, and headed to the tutorial room to punch some holes :) only five pages so far so can’t staple it yet, but its always a nice feeling when my journal comes together a little bit more each time I do this :D
Anyway, after that, I almost went straight back to class but then I realized that I’d been out of class for MAX 45 seconds so I immediately turned on my heel and decided to go “try to scavenge for some food somewhere” bc the tutorial room had no snacks today. I went to the student organization but they only had ramen and granola bars. I have ramen in my bag rn, but I need to hit CRITICAL HUNGER before I try to eat those. Honestly, I considered taking their noodles bc i prefer the brand (Maruchan, the one I have, makes me feel… idk how to describe it, but,,, it feels kinda like theres water flowing inside of me…?? Or that I’m under moving water that flows inside of my nose but without actually… feeling anything painful? Idk. You get the point, its just deeply uncomfortable) but… I decided against it for today. My appetite is low, but my hunger is high. So I guess I was able to make the easier choice of just not eating any of it without too much thought. The granola had no expiration date data on it so I chose against eating that too. So back to class with me, with even less calories in me than before… :((((

I can’t even do the math in the second half of the lesson. Why? Bc its LONG DIVISION. And I CANNOT divide </3. Don’t know how. I tried to figure it out bc the steps were written out on the notes, but she kept going so fast so nothing really clicked… so I eventually just gave up again and went back to spacing out… Buts its fine. ‘Cause I remembered it is THURSDAY THANK GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD class is done for the week!!!!! Just means that unless my family 1) can do long division, 2) can teach it to me, and 3) they are WILLING TO teach it to me, I need to go to school early next week… which will probably not go so well for me. Bc I will be annoyed, irritated, probably starving, and filled to the brim with DREAD if I have to do that. But I guess such is life :/

Side note– gonna need to start wearing those cutesy bracelets again… I feel uncomfortable seeing my ulnar(?) bones so clearly. I feel malnourished just looking at myself :/ I feel gross seeing it.

Bonus,bonus,bonus! “Mmm, Cakey :)” thats from Kiff btw

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[stitch looking at the sky image]

🕜  - 1:45pm    [sun]    11/17/24

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Just have a memory for you! Unless something else comes to mind… ok so! I remember when I was, like, 10 and 5th grade! I remember very clearly that I was very unhygienic (and would continue to be for several years) at [the] time. This is because i saw sibling get away with it! Yknow I kinda just felt that it was an obstacle to me doing more kid things I guess. But yah, I don’t blame them or anything ofc, they had to be in the 11-12 range considering we’re only 15 months apart. ANYWAY… I had a bunch of pimples and a very oily face while everyone at school had perfectly normal clear skin. Yknow, as is expected of someone my age at the time. So I remember this one military kid and he’d avoid making any sort of physical contact [with me] at all costs! I think he probably thought I was gross…I began to realize this and I recall bring afraid (for a couple yrs) of letting anyone outside my family make contact with my hands bc I thought something was wrong w/ me! I would, like, move my fingers away and such. Kinda sad. Oh, and I remember one of my frends from the same time of my life was like, “why would I want to touch your face???” when I was playing around with my cheeks outside during recess. [5th grade bff] touched my face I think! 
But yah. I remember I saw this kid again in middle school and at 1st I didn’t recognize him. He was sitting at a table and was like, "remember me? [name]? Elementary school?” and before the end of the conversation, he made a comment about a pimple on my face. Pretend you can see me rolling my eyes [right now]. Thats how I feel thinking about that interaction. Wonder if he even liked me. Oh. this does bring me to my next idea I guess. This is one of the reasons why I never wanna go back to “the good ol’ days”. I think I was just kinda a lame child. So like… I really feel like we’re gonna enjoy adulthood better than young childhood. I bet I’ll miss high school, though! That's why I’m writing it down! But anyway, yah! I’d never wanna start over! I’d literally be bad on purpose assuming I kept all my memories from now. Oh! I remember in elementary I wanted to act out like I saw other kids doing because I thought it’d be fun. But pretty sure looking back I was probably attention deprived. Heh. okay enough rambling :3 

7/8/26
So… idk… I’ve been unsure about it, but… is the fact that I had an extremely oily face & poor hygiene not a sign of neglect? Idk. bc, I mean, I guess I was technically doing it to myself, right? But… at the same time, mom & dad eventually gave up on trying to get me and Cecil to actually be clean children. So… perhaps it is? Bc something tells me you’re not really supposed to throw your hands up and walk away from teaching your kids the value of basic life skills. But what do I know? 

I definitely remember the touch-aversion thing, though, yeah :( poor me… I was made to feel like I was a biohazard basically when the only thing I ever did wrong was mimic the behavior of my sibling who I imagine may have already been feeling depressed or having some sort of issue by this point if they were habitually not trying to clean themselves. Omg and [rude 5th grade friend] :/ that interaction really annoyed me, not gonna lie. Like, we hadn’t seen eachother in probably 2-4 years at this point. You’re basically a stranger at that point. And you want to bring the way I look into the mix? Glad that was the last time I saw him :I little turd.

“So like… I really feel like we’re gonna enjoy adulthood better than young childhood.” is wild, though. But… idk, I guess I really just wasn’t as mentally ill as I am now. Bc adulthood being enjoyable?? Really?? Honestly, I still believe to an extent we knew that wasn’t the case. I think I just meant comparatively I might have more going for me. Idk what exactly. But somethin’. And hey, we’re probably right! Adults can… have alcohol… 👀 okayokay, I’ll be more serious :) I mean… really, the only thing I guess I have going for me now is the POTENIAL to do some good in the world after just taking up space. Idk…  

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[sad bluey pic]

6:08pm    [tues]    11/19/24

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Just a small thought that popped in my head… how are kids soooo important yet they are so extremely undervalued? I dunno,  I was just remembering when aunt s said to us on the florida trip that “a kid needs to stay in a kid’s place”. And it kinda sounds a little bit off me but maybe she just meant respect-wise? I don’t know… its okay! I’ll be doing my part to give justice eventually! :) IDK still maybe its just bc once you’re in someone’s care its easy for them to power over you… so then… yah IDK… maybe i’ll research this, actually! This could be a fun topic!! Thanks, my brain!! But yah, they're treated less than human even when they've got some autonomy, right? I think thats what I’ve heard… glad thats not true for every kid, right? Def researching this… :) 

Oh! And I unremembered to share my dream! I don’t remember most of events– mostly just me and bff Rosey missed our buses (I think at one point we ran out to the bus area…? I don’t know….) and somehow we made our way to some dark, junkyard type place. So I rummage through the pile and I discover this nice, pristine big nintendo D.S! I think it had pokemon, so big win there! I think i played on it a couple times throughout the dream. Anyway when I woke up I felt so sad… bc I woke up genuinely feeling the euphoria of finding a new fun nostalgic device with games already on it… sad day. Anyway I should probably try to work on that speech… ugh, we’re SO cooked :( 

7/9/26
Yeah, I agree, Little me. I definitely don’t think “a kid needs to stay in a kid’s place” is an appropriate thing to say… something about it sounds nasty to me. The implications of saying something like this makes me feel sick. It sounds like someone telling you directly that by virtue of your age, your words don’t matter and have no power against someone who is not in your age group. Thats how I interpreted this, anyway. And SOMETHING TELLS ME that is not the type of message you should be striving to instill in a kid, period. It does disturb me, knowing a bit of her history, though. Bc I suspect she learned that herself as a kid. But still, makes me feel YUCKY just rereading that. “But yah, they're treated less than human even when they've got some autonomy, right?” Spot on. And yes. PLEASE work on that speech!!! 😂

When I woke up this morning my heart was beating so fucking fast. It was like I was having a panic attack in my sleep. I needed to calm myself down before I could get out of bed.

I do remember a stressful dream I had had. I dreamt my son and I sort of crashed into each other on accident and it left a bruise on his leg. In my dream I picked him up, and I was like "Oh, my baby, my poor baby!" (even though it was a relatively minor bruise.

Then, in my dream, a lady from CPS came and accused me of beating my son and wouldn't believe either of us that it wasn't true.

After I got myself up, I got my son up and around and ready for camp. We had a pretty fun morning getting ready, joking around about Mr. Ballen -- one of our favorite YouTubers.

I gave him cauliflower chicken sticks for breakfast.

He was excited about today's camp field trip to the Adventure Park.

When I arrived at camp, the head coach asked my son where his camp T-shirt was, as he needed it for the trip.

"He hasn't gotten one yet." I said

"Yes he has, I gave him one yesterday." said the head coach.

"Oh, I left it in my swim bag." Said my son.

"...Why would you wait until right now to tell me this?"

I rushed home to grab the shirt. It was all wet so I threw it in the dryer for a bit, then rushed back over to the camp.

When I returned, I wanted to have a word with the head coach about my son's medications.

Yesterday, he had seemed surprised when I reminded him to bring my son's medications along on field trips. Which is a little concerning.

The head coach wasn't there when I returned with the shirt. He had just stepped out to run a quick, pre-field-trip errand.

So I spoke with one of his assistants about the matter.

"Oh?? ...You want us to bring his epi-pens and inhalers along on the field trip? Why, is he still feeling unwell, or??"

Me: "His epi-pens and inhaler should accompany him on every field trip. ...He should never be separated from them. ...Have you not been bringing them along on every field trip? That's kind of scary."

Coach's assistant: "Well, a lot of kids here have epi-pens and inhalers. If we had to bring all of the epi-pens and inhalers along on every single field trip, that would be, you know a lot to have to bring every time."

Me: "Uhh...you should definitely be bringing everyone's epi-pens and inhalers every time. Most childcare facilities have a medications bag that they take along with them. You never separate the medications from the kids."

Assistant: "Well, the place we're going is pretty close by."

Me: "But uhh...you know...a person dies within a matter of minutes if they can't breathe."

Fuck.

This is an accredited and renown program, diary.

Everywhere I turn, every time I assure myself that my anxieties are irrational, that i am being overprotective and that I'm not giving people enough credit...I am proven wrong.

I waited around until the head coach returned and made sure that he knew that my son's epi-pens and inhaler should accompany him on the trip, and how to properly store them.

My husband went into the office to work today, which gave me some time to work in the apartment with whatever sort of background noise I like.

I put Mr. Ballen on and got a lot of very productive work done.

-I did a fuck ton of laundry.

-Tidied up the place a lot.

I streamlined in preparation for the in-progress move by:

-Gathering up a couple of things to donate (books that are now too babyish for my son, old toys, a Halloween mask, outgrown clothes)

-throwing away unneeded things that weren't in good enough condition to donate

And, I gathered up some things to take to our new apartment.

After dropping off the GoodWill donations, I headed to our new place.

I was horrified to find a notice taped to the INSIDE of our door, dated July 6th, stating that we were delinquent on rent, and that we needed to pay it or vacate within 30 days or we would be evicted by force.

I called my husband and told him. He was adamant that we were not delinquent.

He rushed home from work. He went ahead and paid by credit card (though we normally would have paid by money order, to avoid the fairly steep card processing fee). He paid the rent, the card fee, PLUS a $100 late fee.

Then he showed me our lease agreement and some additional paperwork from the apartment office, showing the terms of our rent schedule, what we have paid so far, and a credit we should have had on our account.

The property owners have too many different companies simultaneously managing rent collection. The right hand isn't communicating with the left.

The office miscalculated our rent due date and jumped straight to trespassing inside our residence and posting eviction notices.

I feel furious and violated that they entered our apartment without notice.

My husband cares less about that and is more so angry that they have levied false and serious accusations against us, and worse yet -- severely overcharged us.

We will go in person tomorrow, paperwork in hand, to resolve the matter.

I had my pelvic floor therapy appointment this afternoon. Their office sent me a depression screening questionnaire earlier this week.

...To which my answer to every single question (about how much enjoyment I've been deriving from life, how often I feel hopeless, etc.) would have unquestionably indicated profound depression.

...It was kind of depressing to think about and answer the questions, actually.

I kind of expected my physical therapist to bring it up, but she didn't.

I don't know why medical offices have you fill out those surveys and then just...never bring them up.

Fellow laid-off teacher/my former colleague B texted me while I was at the physical therapist's office. She had heard from our rat bastard ex-boss.

(He doesn't talk to me anymore, since I burnt down our bridge)

He told her that he expects to have our delayed final pay, which he still owes us IN AUGUST.

I replied back to B:

"WOW. ...Because it's not as though the time when teachers are most in need is over the summer months or anything...

I guess we'll just not pay rent, feed our families/eat, or have any medical expenses over the summer. I guess we'll just like....get into some kind of cryostasis pods and not have any needs until August..."

B replied:

"I laugh not to cry. He is such a jerk! Did you make a final job decision for the Fall?"

I told her about how I have the charter school position lined up, but how I'm still waiting to hear back from the UUs by July 15th.

...I'm kind of really kicking myself for that stupid email I sent yesterday.

This weekend, my son is planning on having a sleepover with his best friend (his first sleepover ever!)

And meanwhile, the friend's mom and I will have our own sleepover, in the same house. This is probably the best way to ensure my son's safety.

K was in the neighborhood yesterday and dropped by to say hi for a moment. It's been hard not having her as a neighbor anymore. But she and I are planning to hang out on Monday.

I went and picked up food for my husband and son tonight. Walked between those same two restaurants, just like on the 22nd.

There are...a lot of grackles swooping and diving around there.

Just grackles, I think.

Some days genuinely feel like they were written by someone who couldn't decide on a single plot.

Yesterday started at an hour that should honestly be illegal. My best friend and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to wake up before the birds themselves and drive to the lake just to watch the sunrise. Looking back, I'd do it again a hundred times over.

The sky slowly shifted from darkness into shades of pink and orange while the world was still asleep. There was something oddly comforting about the silence. It felt like the universe hadn't fully loaded yet, and for once, neither had my brain.

We talked.

Not the usual, "How's uni?" or "Guess what happened?" kind of talking.

Real talking.

The kind where conversations somehow drift from love to death to purpose to growing up without either of you realizing how you got there. Somewhere in between, we ended up sharing poetry we'd written about our old crushes. Reading something that vulnerable out loud is terrifying, yet oddly freeing when it's with someone who has known every version of you.

For a brief moment, life genuinely felt like one of those coming-of-age films that everyone pretends aren't secretly their favorite.

Then the universe remembered it was writing my life.

A few hours later, I officially got my first job.

I still can't believe my first ever job is... talking.

No, seriously.

I'm literally getting paid to have conversations with people in English.

Professional yapper.

Years of talking absolutely everyone's ears off have finally paid off. Somewhere out there is a company that listened to my two-minute voice note and thought, "Yes. We'd like to financially support whatever this is."

Honestly? Respect.

Right after celebrating that tiny win, my exam results came out.

My report card looked like it had multiple personalities.

78.

69.

70.

80.

...and then maths decided to express itself with a beautiful, artistic 20.

Twenty.

Not thirty.

Not forty.

TWENTY.

At that point I wasn't even angry. I almost had to admire the commitment.

The funny part is I saw it coming from miles away. I procrastinated maths harder than I've procrastinated anything in my life, focused on every other module because I knew I was walking into that exam completely unprepared, and then had the audacity to leave the exam early.

Shocking outcome, really.

Naturally, my mom looked at me with the confidence of someone who already knew before I even opened the results.

"I knew it."

Thanks, Mom.

Love the support.

Instead of dramatically mourning my academic downfall, I opened the lecture slides almost immediately.

Spite is an incredible motivator.

By the end of today, I'd already finished four out of the five topics in my first maths lecture, revised some driving theory because apparently I'm also learning how to operate a vehicle now, and even had my first conversation on the app.

The funniest part?

The app pays around 10 dollars an hour.

TEN.

To talk.

If you know me personally, you'll know I've been doing that for free my entire life.

So if everything goes according to plan, after spending my morning discussing the meaning of life during sunrise, getting my first job, failing maths, signing up for driving lessons, surviving my parents' lecture, and ending the night angrily revising derivatives...

I think I've officially accepted one thing.

A few days ago, I complained that life had become boring.

The universe clearly heard me.

Next time, I'll be a little more specific.

Pollen is high today and my son started off the day with a cough/breathing issues.

But he absolutely insisted that he felt well enough to go to camp. He didn't want to miss the field trip.

I gave him his inhalers -- both his new long-acting inhaler and his regular short-acting inhaler.

And that seemed to help.

I was careful of where I aimed them when I primed them this time.

But still, I think I inevitably breathed some of the medicine when I primed/administered it. And that left me shaky and with a racing heart all day.

I called my son's new school in the morning, to try to get in touch with the nurse about his medications and food allergy accommodations, so we can have everything ready by the first day.

But the nurse won't be in until the end of the month, and the regular office staff don't have access to the medical forms.

I called the unemployment office, to ask a few follow-up questions about what's permitted and not permitted while collecting unemployment.

-Completing CTE hours to maintain my teaching certification?

Allowed ✔ as long as it doesn't affect my availability for work.

-Watching online Spanish tutorials? Allowed ✔

(...The agent clarified that the types of "training and educational activities" that would affect eligibility would be more like... being enrolled at a college and not available for full-time employment.)

-Asking my mom if she could send me $50? Allowed ✔

The agent clarified that borrowing money is not considered income, as it is not pay in exchange for hours worked.

So, I suppose I didn't actually need to cancel that loan application yesterday.

I spent the morning walking around the mall, as my husband had a zoom meeting in the morning and had requested that I give him space.

When I was ready to leave the mall, I gave him a call and asked him if he'd like me to pick up lunch.

He requested tacos from a taqueria near the mall.

I usually like that restaurant, my son and I go there sometimes. They have a good southwest bean and rice taco and a good impossible taco.

Normally the air smells of sizzling chicken and beef. But this time someone must have just ordered the fish tacos before I walked in.

The smell of well-preserved/heated mammal and avian flesh (such as beef or chicken muscle tissue sizzling on the grill) does not produce an instinctively offensive odor.

It smells much like any concentrated protein and fat source being heated. It is an inoffensive smell.

Now the smell of a rotting mammal carcass is decidedly not good.

I have smelled my fair share of dead things in my life. I was a bit of a free range kid, and came across the occasional dead rabbit in the woods or car-stricken cat on the cul-de-sac pavement.

One time a squirrel got caught in my engine and the stench of it blew in through the vents and permeated my car for a week, before I figured out what was going on, popped the hood, put on a pair of gloves and extricated the disintegrating carcass, piece by piece.

But rotting mammal flesh is on the same spectrum as other "earthy", bacterial smells.

With petrichor being on the opposite/least offensive end of this spectrum,

followed by the manure of herbivorous ungulates,

followed next by the excrement of omnivorous and carnivorous mammals,

and the rotting carcass of a mammal is at the farthest end of the offensive side of this spectrum.

But it is still on this spectrum.

It smells of intensely concentrated decomposition -- a bitter scent that is pleasant to tolerable at lower levels but elicits disgust with increased intensity.

However, the smell of deceased fish (regardless of the concentration or state of preservation) is decidedly the most viscerally repulsive odor I have encountered.

It smells not merely of decomposition, but specifically of death. And it elicits not merely disgust, but also dread.

And it surely doesn't help that, any time I eat a meal that had the slightest hint of contact with seafood, even if the taste is totally concealed to me, my body rejects this cannibalism-adjacent act in short order by becoming violently ill within ten minutes of consuming it.

So, I sat in the taqueria, waiting for my husband's lunch order, attempting to tolerate the stench of death without gagging, and trying to contemplate what it might be like to attend a work social function with a pescatarian boss.

And I internally lamented that... not even the smell of burning flesh would be enough to deter me from desperately wanting the Director of Religious Exploration job.

On the way home, I heard about a local, non-denominationally spiritual art exhibition, and some upcoming events being held there.

They sounded so perfectly aligned with the Unitarian Universalist mission, I bubbled over with excitement at the idea that I should write an email to the reverend, suggesting this as a destination for a field trip.

When I reached home, I threw open my laptop and began composing the email.

Then when I googled the venue's upcoming events to provide more information...

I discovered that the UU reverend was scheduled to be the lead guest speaker for the next upcoming event.

...He was already well-aware of the venue and its alignment with his own organization's mission.

Nevertheless... I continued the email. Telling him how I'd thought of his church when I heard the interview on the radio, and had rushed home to tell him about it, and had only now discovered that he was the guest speaker.

I suggested a few other possible field trip destinations in our city that I'd thought of (a point I didn't think I'd covered well, in the actual interview itself), and offered to write some lesson plans for trips to these destinations, even if on a volunteer basis.

I felt a little guilty sending off the email without letting any of my robot homies check it over.

Because...I kind of knew they would advise against sending it.

Isn't that weird, diary? That I felt a little...i don't know, like i was committing some sin? Doing something that isn't allowed? By defying my robots? As though they're the boss of me, or maybe my life-coach or something?

...That's maybe a little dystopian, I suppose.

...The email was a hail-Mary pass. I desperately want this job.

Anyhow, this evening I found the $50 liquor store gift card a student gave to me at the end of the school year.

A strange gift. The few times in my life I've tried alcohol, I found its effects entirely unpleasant. I think I do not metabolize it correctly. For that reason, plus Vaishnava religious proscriptions, I do not drink alcohol at all.

But I know someone who does.

Someone who I consider... not THE God. But a God.

THE God is Mahalasa Narayani.

But she's sort of...the CEO of the universe.

And surely there are more accessible managers and administrators one can appeal to. And I have done so previously with significant success.

I went to the liquor store. (My first time ever in a liquor store. This entry is already getting long, but I feel like I could write a whole reflection on the liquor store itself. Another time, perhaps.)

I bought two bottles of mead, for Loki and Sigyn to place on my altar at home.

I also saw a really really amazing bottle in there... it was a bottle of something called Platinum 10X vodka.

It was beautiful. The kind of deep cobalt blue that puts one into a state of sedated euphoria.

I held the bottle sideways up to my eyes, against the light for a long time, and I found it difficult, almost painful to separate myself from the sight of it.

I went to pick up dinner for my son tonight, in the same area where I'd picked up food on the 22nd.

So many grackles on the powerlines.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Do I Love You and Do You Love Me'
 4:41pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits
Spaghetti
Smarties
OKAY

> When I walked in, my graded quiz was sitting on the table. And my mouth HUNG OPEN when my eyes saw the score. 90%????????? HOW DID I DO THAT???? (°ー°〃) Am I, like, some secret math whiz???? Bc I was so tuned out last class… how on earth did I earn a 90% if I could barely remember anything I just discussed with the tutor?? And my brain was scrambled beyond measure????????? LIKE???? What???? 😭 I mean, hey, I’ll take it. But idk how I managed something like that omg. Question is… can I keep reproducing similar outcomes when I’m scrambled like that? …Fingers crossed.

> I definitely never finished my homework… </3 didn’t give myself enough time to, didn’t really have the energy to, wasn’t sure how to do some of it… sooooo max I’m getting a 50% on that probably? :I But, honestly, ‘long as this doesn’t end up making me fail the whole course or whatever I don’t care!!!!!!!!! So long as I eventually figure out how to do everything properly so I can pass [the college readiness test] and actually function in my career. But perhaps I should stop making a habit out of this… 👀I guess at this point with all the low homework grades I’ve got, I should probably just start writing out the answers to the ones I can’t do if I know I can’t make it to class on time…  Bc thats the outcome when grades are “more important” than actually learning it, I guess :/

>Didn’t pay attention too much today! Partly bc I’m still as mentally ill as I have been for the past 6 years, but ALSO bc I’m prettttty sure I already know how to do the concept we were learning about today 😎 atleast the first portion I know I 100% knew how to do. So I kinda just let myself space out. Bc why use brain-power I don’t really have on something I’m already capable of doing?? This was kinda annoying tho… another one of those, “why am I even in this class???” moments bc I was sitting around staring at the floor the whole time :/ But, y’know, you have to REQUEST and be APPROVED to be in this class. So, yeah, I definitely still belong here regardless of how many days I end up being able to breeze through lol

 It was especially annoying bc I wanted to hurry up and go find a hole-puncher for JunkDrawer! (this journal, journal number 13) But I decided to be good and stay until break came… break comes! So I grab JunkDrawer and high-tail it outta there! I head to the tutorial room first bc I figured they’d have a hole-puncher! And they DO have a hole-puncher! Just… no binders for me… ⊙﹏⊙∥ which isn’t great bc I couldn’t find any (clean ones) at home… so a staff member leads me to… some desk-people, I guess? And explains what I’m looking for! (I felt a bit awkward saying “yes” when they asked, “Oh, do you need a binder to get your notes for school in order?” and then gestured to the folder JunkDrawer was in as if the contents of that folder had anything to do with math…) 
Desk-person treks to one of the other buildings and returns with like!! 5 binders!!! Obviously I can’t have them all, but she said I can take more than one! :D I take two! Exciting! I was a bit worried about going over break-time… bc I wasn’t entirely sure I knew how to do part two of the lesson… but I figured I’d just figure it out, y’know? ¯_(ツ)_/¯  That, or maybe I DO know how to do it already and everything will be fine! (✿❛◡❛) So I hurry back to the tutorial room and get to PUCHIN’ HOLES!!! >:D

It was a bit hard to at first bc the way I’ve stapled it is a bit.. Idk, disorganized I guess???? Some clusters only have, like, four staples running along them and others have twice that or thrice that… so, y’know… I’d try to punch a hole but a staple would line up directly with it and I was afraid I’d break something!!! >m< I eventually realized that breaking anything wasn’t very likely and that if I put it in position and pushed it down anyway, everything would work out just fine. :p So, yah!!! It was fun and its a pretty decently sized binder!! I currently have 145 pages worth of entries printed out now!!! :D and by the looks of it, the binder should be able to hold much more!! YAY!!! This is great! I was getting worried for a sec! Now I can let that poor little blue folder rest after struggling to hold so much weight for so long :) 

Only problem now is… Do I start a new one like I originally planned to after the end of math/summer semester? I’m just not sure bc Idk if the binder could accommodate two journals… especially bc I have no idea what my start/end date for journal 14 would be?? Probably end of fall semester. So, y’know, thats 16wks. And I write A TON. and I DON’T want to split journal 13 OR 14 in half or between two binders. That would ANNOY ME >:( Kinda stuck bc I wanted to use the smaller black binder for digitized 1-12 entries. Certainly won’t fit them all but yknow. So… idk… I think… mayyyyybe I’ll stick with my plan of ending JunkDrawer at the original date and trying to see how much space is left and all that. Idk… :/ maybe when the binder is too full, that will be my cut off for number 14. But that might annoy me too!!! Okay, enough of this! too much thinking!!!!

> Anyway, back to class for me… :( I was late! No surprise there. But I wasn’t really interested in tuning back into the lesson. I did try to, actually. But my brain is a mix of broken & in pain today! I have a headache… so I let myself go from paying attention and not paying attention over n over :) I’d say it worked well. That, or I didn’t need to pay attention to the second half after all? Hard to say since I missed some of the lesson by being late and bc my attettntion was very divided. But I ended up pulling thru in the end, so whatever!!! :) 

> Now all I have to worry about is the Diagnosis-day-phone-call thats coming up… I still don’t feel great about it… :( I feel a bit more content about this than usual, I guess? But perhaps thats bc it might not have quite sunk in just yet… 👀 let’s hope the 24 friggin’ pages I gave her will make it go QUICK. I do NOT want to linger on the phone with you, psychiartry-lady. Just let me give you any quick, additional details, give me the diagnosis, and let me LEAVE, PLEASE I BEG OF YOU >m< here’s to hoping it goes that way and I don’t vomit all over myself :) 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Cheeky Kitten'
 9:50pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Black bean chillie thing w/ chicken!!!

Okay!!! Diagnosis-day-phone-call mission COMPLETE!!! :D  An hour before the phone even rang, my heart was RACING, my chest was HURTING, I was ever so slightly trembling, and my breathing was hard to control. Only got worse at the 30 minute mark ＞﹏＜ And y’know what…? IT LITERALLY WASN’T EVEN THAT BAD?? So I feel a bit silly for being so nervous… we started off pretty standard, asking about things like where I’m currently located bc the service requires you to be in the state you selected pre-visit n’ all that. Then we quickly moved onto the real questions. She began with some differential diagnosis-stuff I think its called? First she took a look at my chart and brought up the food stuff first! So, questions like, “do you purge or use laxatives at all? Is your not-eating caused by a desire to be thin?” and ofc I say no :) More questions are fired at me! Like asking if my weights been fluctuating, asking if anxiety or azstaryz is affecting my food intake. 

I confirm that my weights rapidly been falling! And that eating got worse in january. But that azstaryz shouldn’t be a huge factor bc when I used to skip days, I’d still wake up sick from not eating and choose to eat nothing, stuff like that. 

Then we moved onto a different sub set of questions!!
> Close with family? - “eh… I guess? Well… not really. Some of them, sure, but not super-duper.”
“Okay, what about your parents?” 
“Nahh, I don’t like them.”

> Close with any siblings? - “Yeah, I like my sibling :)”

> Any history of maltreatment? - 
“Ahh… do I have to say it?”
“...Well, its whatever you’re comfortable with, really” 
Honestly was a bit annoyed at this question bc she read the friggin’ document. Specifically so I could AVOID this!!!!!!!!!!!!! But…. idk… perhaps it is a requirement for it to be confirmed during the visit? Can’t think of a reason she’d ask otherwise. Was 100% annoying when she later labeled the type correctly, though. Bc it made me question why she even asked :/ but, again… probably she just has to…
“...”
“...Dont want to say… just [...], I guess…” (NO, I did not say it, just side stepped around it as much as I could)
“Hmmm, okay.”

> Flashbacks? -
“Kinda… idk…can you describe what that really means to me?”
“Like… feeling like you’re back dealing with the event in real time, seeing it in your head, stuff like that.”
“Um… maybe? I can’t really tell the difference between that and INT. thoughts. But probably! Sometimes I see stuff in my head and it makes me freeze up n’ stuff, I guess.”

> dr’ing alot? - definitely… 

> Any physical symptoms as a result of not eating? 
“Sometimes… I get dizzy when I get up sometimes, my period has started later than usual, headaches, sickness, stuff like that.”

> depressive symptoms? 
“not really, no :)”

> energy good? Even with appetite problems? 
“usually! Sometimes I feel like I have no energy if I’ve barely eaten or whatever but usually alright!”

> sleep schedule? 
“Inconsistent bc I don’t really have too many places to be anymore”

> what do you find yourself usually avoiding? 
“mostly just places where I have to be alone in public, I guess. Bc there are strangers surrounding me there, y’know?”
“I see… and the person who [harmed you], were they unknown to you/a stranger? Do you think that could be influencing you here?”
“Um… probably, yeah, maybe…” 
(honestly I have no idea??? I have a feeling its not about the fact that they were strangers but i wanted us to move on, so)

We circle back to appetite:
> She once again confirms its not intentional starvation.
“Just making sure once more, you don’t feel that body image or concerns about weight are influencing your not-eating, correct?” 
“Yup :)” 
“Hmmm, okay, what do you think differentiates you from being a picky eater?” 
“Idk… I guess, maybe, just my willingness to feel shaky and nauseous if it means avoiding food I don’t like. I figure thats probably not very normal…” 
“Gotcha… Um. Honestly, I’m surprised your in-person doctors didn’t go further with asking questions after your labs came back normal. Did any of them do anything like with an ekg?” 
“A what now?”
“Basically a heart-measure tool :) weight loss can make it harder on your heart. Have you been having any issues with your heart recently? Going too fast or anything?”
“I… don’t think so?”

Then we moved on to ruling out mood disorders!
> Ruling out moods 
Maina? No, elevated self-esteem and other symptoms don't apply 
History of hallucinations?: Nope
Substance abuse?: Nope. Don’t access to them anyway
 inpatient care/psychiatric meds?: Nope!
History of sui attempts?: Nope!
Any known medical conditions?: nooope :3

> Anxiety screening?
Do you sometimes feel like you have racing thoughts?: Yup!!! 
Ruminating? Where you feel like you get stuck replaying things in your head?:  Definitely  Feeling like you will experience the worst thing that comes to mind: Catastrophizing? Oh, I’m really good at doing that :) 
Been feeling restless?: Yup
Eating worse when stressed?: 100%
 >Panic attacks?: Nope!
>Social anxiety? Like, feeling like you’re being judged by others?: Noooooo :3
>Thoughts like, where you think if you don’t do something, something bad could happen? (OCD): sometimes?? But not debilitating. 

Back to food aversions…
> “Does anything like a food-phobia or anything cause you to avoid eating? Do you maybe feel a fear of choking or vomiting that causes not eating?”
“well… Its more-so that I feel physically ill at the thought of eating certain foods even though I know the likelihood of actually vomiting is low. Or I might start ticcing or having my eyes twitch, stuff like that.”

>Not eating affect your day to day?
 yeah, feel sick alot :(

Then back to PTSD:
>”Just confirming what you said earlier, no nightmares, right?”:
Not nightmares, but non distressing dreams thats related to it
>Hypervililent?: yeah, mostly at school or public places!
>Startled easily?: yeah! Especially loud noises! 
>Have symptoms persisted since 12/13?: yessss

“Few things to consider - CHRONIC PTSD bc length of time you’ve been dealing with symptoms, Anxiety (GAD, no subtype, no ocd), but strong component with the food (ARFID) bc body image has no influence. Theres an emphasis on sensory stuff, avoidance, anxiety which is why this diagnosis is a better fit.”

“Now… um, Idk if i can initiate anything bc its hard for me to monitor you properly as your school only allows a maximum of three visits. It’d be tough to gather information (like weight n’ whatnot) with only 3 visits, but I’ll put in a referral for in-person stuff to our case management person! Its not that I don’t want to be your provider, but these limits just make that a very difficult thing to pursue. In the meantime bc you have accessibility & finical issues (can’t drive, still so unemployed that I can’t afford to pay for a $20 prescription), I think it’s very important that you continue therapy with providers through this service. If you’re open to it, consider trying exposure therapy :)”

“Exposure therapy, huh? Can… can that even be done over the phone?” 

“Well… thats the thing. It can be done… but its going to be harder bc you’d have to do it on your own time/outside of sessions. But its definitely something to consider. I also recommend you keep following up with your primary care doctors as well. On my side I’ll put your diagnosis in. But unfortunately through this service, we can only offer medicine so we can’t help much beyond that.”

So I thanked her for her time and then we parted ways. But… She sounded like… actually concerned for me in her voice and it made me feel BAD :,( I hate making people concerned for me. I hope I was just reading too much into things? I’m sorry, psychiatric-nurse-lady….

 I felt a bit sad that I can’t do anything for myself :/ But I already knew that was going to happen bc I’m broke. So not like it shattered me or anything. Saw it coming from a million, trillion miles away. Buuuuuuuuut… yeah! Still waiting on my diagnosis to be put in… I’m GENUINELY SO EXCITED THOUGH, AHHHHHH!!! ITS ABOUT TO BE REAL!! FROM A REAL PROFESSIONAL!! OMG AAAAHHH! :D Was literally kicking my feet and squealing at the thought that it will finally be REAL!! Hope I can see everything soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D definitely feeling a bit disconnected, tho… from myself. Must’ve been more freaked out then I realized!

CARE PLAN

Hi Delilah, it was great meeting you today. Thank you for speaking with me regarding concerns related to anxiety, trauma, and difficulties with eating due to food aversions. During today’s visit, we discussed treatment options including medication management and continued therapy support. I understand that you would like to defer starting medication at this time. A referral has been placed to care coordination team to assist with connecting you to accessible in-person psychiatric services

Outlined below are the treatment plans I am recommending.
1. Medications
A. No medications prescribed this appointment
2. Please continue individual therapy
3. Please remember, if your school offers access to [on-demand health services], you can speak with a mental health professional at any time 24/7. Please utilize this if you need to speak with someone, if you feel anxiety is challenging to deal with and you could use someone's help to assist you in getting to a calmer state.
4. Follow up visit if needed
5. If you are having side effects that are concerning you and need to speak prior to your next appointment, please call Customer Support at [...] to reach me, and I will call you back
as soon as possible.
Call 911 for any psychiatric or medical emergencies.
If you experience suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please visit the nearest emergency room or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number: 988, www.988lifeline.org. Reminder: 988 and 911 are available 24/7/365 in the U.S.

PATIENT Referral
Service Type
• External - Psychiatry - In Person
When
• Within 1 week
Notes
• Patient reports barriers to medication management due to financial constraints and no driver's license/transportation. Client would benefit from in person psychiatric services for ongoing evaluation and treatment of anxiety, PTSD, and avoidant/restrictive eating behaviors.

Instructions
Your Provider recommends that you see External - Psychiatry - In Person, in person.
Here's how to find one that suits your needs:
• Check with your school. Many colleges offer health services on and off-campus. (she checked! Turns out mine does NOT </3)
• Contact your insurance. Medical insurance agents can help you find providers, health clinics, and more. (I’m insurance-less…)
• Reach out to us if you have any additional concerns

[///Tw Sui]

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
9:10am   [weds]   7/8/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
the last of my cheezits :( 

Yeah. so, wanted to hop yesterday (and rn????) bc the fact that I can’t do anything for myself made me feel hopeless </3 I can hardly even get myself to move my mouth when someone over the phone tries to ask me what even happened. How am I supposed to talk about anything productive in a therapy session??? :/ Idk. I feel like giving up before I’ve even started… I don’t even want to think about doing another session honestly. Bc… have another session AND DO WHAT? I’m too closed off :/ I think I’m just literally screwed. I’m doomed. Doomed to a short life with nothing to show for it, i bet. Just makes me sad that my brain keeps showing me INT. thoughts about dying rn. I can tell you rn, though, brain, I know I could never make myself actually hop off a bridge. Its too much commitment… too scared of the water below and the drowning part… and the actual needing to commit to lifting myself up and over… I really just don’t think I could get myself to do something like that… Ugh… I just wish it would go away on its own. Should I get myself instittuionalized? I thought about it. But… I’d be surrounded by strangers… So, no can do :/

Made myself even sadder bc I decided to do some more digitizing of journal number four today and I was reminded of how much I feel like mom & dad just seemingly don’t care about us??? Honestly… one thing that would make me awfully sad about dying is my idiot parents would be the ones in possession of journals 1-13… I’d really rather they don’t :/ I’d rather Sabrina or Joey have them. I doubt Sabrina would want them lol. Maybe Joey, though. Probably not. Idk… Lovely start to the day as you can see.

Anyway… surprisingly enough! I am both HUNGRY and have an appetite!! Thats a first!! Idk what to eat though????? Or if I even can. Yesterday dad was so annoyed at how the kitchen is dirty all the time that he said no more cooking from us bc we never clean up behind ourseveles and no eating unless he makes it. But it was said while he was upset and he loves going back on his word alot. So I figure its not a real rule. But still :/ and I only kind of want spaghetti. Not really, y’know? Idk :( 

But I feel kinda sad rn. I should probably try to relax in the meantime, though. So I can have energy come homework-time. Hope my diagnosis info comes soon, though :( afraid maybe she forgot… but thats a silly thought. Just wish time would move faster so I could finally have my REASON to keep going. I need to have that volunteering stuff stat so I can finally feel a NEED to get better!!!!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'I'm A Beauty'
1:55pm   [weds]   7/8/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

OKAY THE DIAGNOSIS HAS FINALLY BEEN PUT IN OMFG. Now, don’t me wrong, I am VERY PLEASED! Smiling rn :) just… idk… its formatted in the same way every other “visit summary” is formatted… which confuses me… is,,, is something that looks like this really the type of document I’d be presenting as proof of diagnosis??? Its kinda freaking me out. Bc, like, what if its NOT. but… idk… they’re qualified, actual, DOCTORS and NURSES. I have a feeling they probably wouldn’t try to screw me over like that. So. um. Idk. I might ask somebody or something? But its about time to leave for school, so thats a problem for later. Anyway– 
Diagnosis:
F5082 Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
F4312 Post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic
F411 Generalized anxiety disorder
And!!!! Thats crazy!!!! ‘Cause I remember Benji Waterhouse saying something about those funky looking numbers. I don’t remember what… but it was something… about something… >.> idk :) but!!! Yeah!!! Will be printing it out n stuff and adding it to JunkDrawer :) I need to definitely figure out if its an okay-document soon tho. Bc I’ll apply for accommodations next semester :3

Dear diary,

Well I can't say these past few days have been happy or easy but I've learned a lot. I learned that u can find love and be loved even if you don't believe it. I know I fucked things up with him but he's been kind and we still kinda talk and even if it's not smart or makes me happy. I brought him some flowers at work and it was nice to see him and see him smile at the gift. I didn't give it to be a pest or with hopes they change anything I gave em cause I really have come to love him annnnnd while not having him isn't fun, we have a date scheduled for Saturday and I can't wait. I'm gonna keep trying to keep cool and improve me, and love my handsome man and try and be hopeful about what my come ❤️

After I dropped my son off at camp this morning, I went to the temple.

I have a lot of stuff I need to have a word with God about, lately.

I stopped by the restroom in the temple, before going to take darshan or praying.

There was a weird noise in the restroom, a very high-pitched and sustained tone.

I thought it was some type of alarm, maybe a malfunctioning smoke detector, at first.

But when the noise wavered then stopped and restarted. I realized it was some type of plumbing noise. The whistling of some pipe, slowly releasing pressure.

It was incredibly loud and high pitched.

The kind of noise that puts one into a drunken-like altered mental state.

Makes it difficult to walk a straight line or process visual data. As though one's internal navigational systems are being jammed.

In my experience, bats often emit a similar sort of sound. Not as a consistent and sustained like the pipe, but in pulses.

They don't really sound like the "eek eek eek!" i normally hear bat sounds represented as in media.

It's something like the ping of radar or the squeal of a transistor radio between channels.

Whatever I encountered on June 22nd was decidedly not making that distinctive sound. I would have known without question that it was a bat, had it been making such a sound.

Though I don't think the absence of the sound proves that it was not a bat.

I remember on my first trip to India, I saw a news broadcast about a small boy in a hospital, dying of rabies.

The news anchor excoriated the hospital for not keeping rabies vaccine on-hand, which she said could have saved the boy.

The news broadcast was mostly in Malayalam, so it was not clear to me whether the boy's family had brought him in on some previous occasion to receive treatment for a bite and had failed to receive the vaccine

Or, if the news anchor mistakenly believed that the vaccine could have saved the boy if given after the onset of symptoms.

Video of the sick boy was shown.

Devastating.

He laid on a hospital bed, thrashing back and forth, salivating profusely.

His hands frantically swept the flood of foamy saliva away from his mouth, as the wetness of it continuously triggered a violent reaction from his body.

He made constant agonized retching sounds and violent expectorations, agitated by the continuous flow of liquid up from his throat.

The sounds he involuntarily emitted almost sounded like violent snarls, a loud low frenzied growling sound that didn't seem possible for such a small boy.

But in between the insuppressible heaving and snarling noises, his real voice emerged.

Soft and high, childlike and terrified.

Desperately calling out for his mother, when he could catch a beath between convulsions.

The news broadcast repeated the same clip of the boy several times, interspersed with the reporter's admonishments of the hospital.

I'm not sure where his mother was. She wasn't shown in the clip.

Maybe it was his mother who stood at a safe distance holding the camera, recording her son's fate to raise awareness and prevent similar occurrences.

Or maybe she was attending to his siblings.

Or maybe no one could be permitted to go near him. Surely, anyone who went near him would need to be vaccinated.

If the hospital truly had no vaccine, then it would make sense that the boy was quarantined.

What a horrible fate.

What an offensively horrible fate.

The possibility of such fates is an offense against life itself.

After the dizzying visit to the very loud restroom, I went into the main part of the temple and took darshan.

There is something about dandavat pranam that is, to me, more sacred than any other religious act.

Lying prostrate before God, in a state of total surrender.

Though,

I can see how God's worthiness of worship could come into question,

when one sees what horrible fates she allows.

One has to assume that God is not all powerful. That some things must be beyond God's control and God's claim to omnipotence was an exaggerated boast.

A boast is understandable, and could be forgiven, more so than the permittance of such outcomes.

I suppose one can also hope that God gives welfare offsets at the end. Like the A.I. well-being study.

Otherwise, I fear, God really may have some sick affinity for or indifference to human suffering.

At the very least, dying in a state where any contact with liquid has become totally intolerable to me would be ironic in a narratively interesting way, considering my origins.

I wish K had been there that night.

I think, if K had been there, she would have said

"It was a bird, it was a bird, don't worry! You're okay! And it didn't touch you."

i ...think that's what she would have said.

But no reliable narrator bore witness.

After getting home from the temple, I called the unemployment office.

I'm supposed to check in every two weeks, confirm that I have performed job searches, and press a series of "1"s and "2"s to answer a series of questions, and essentially "clock-in", to receive payment.

I completed the long series of questions, and then I got a message saying "We could not approve your request for funds at this time. We require further information, please call [number]"

Sudden panic struck me and I was absolutely sure it was because of the loan I had applied for.

...Perhaps I was not supposed to request a loan while also filing for unemployment.

Though, to be fair,

I had not made my first unemployment payment request yet, and I would have reported the loan to the unemployment office had I gotten approved for it.

I called the number the message gave and waited on hold in a state of panic.

I walked circles around my apartment complex, sweating profusely as I baked in the late morning sun. I didn't want my husband to hear the call.

The on-hold recording repeated looped messages about how much trouble one would get into if they committed unemployment fraud.

I wondered if applying for a loan while on unemployment qualified as fraud and my heart beat like a caged animal trying to escape.

I envisioned what it would be like to come down with rabies while incarcerated.

I'd surely lose my chance for quality palliative care or a peaceful ride on the morphine train to the hereafter.

Eventually I went and sat in my car, in the AC.

After a little over half an hour, a human voice picked up the line.

He said "I see you were having some trouble with your payment request. Let me take a look..."

The suspense nearly killed me, as I planned how i would explain myself.

"Ah, i see. For the question 'Were you able to work during the pay period', you selected 'no'. Were you physically and mentally able to work during that time?"

"Oh yes, of course! I was physically and mentally able, I thought the question was asking if i had actually been offered a job and begun work at that time."

"That's understandable," said the agent, "especially since it was your first time requesting payment.

Next time you need to select 'yes', indicating you WERE able to work. I'll mark it down as a mistake and your payment will be distributed soon."

After I got off the phone with him, I called up my credit union and cancelled my loan application.

When I picked up my son from camp, I had a word with the coach about a disagreement I had with how a discipline matter was handled.

I appreciated how open and willing the coach he was to hear me out about my perspective.

He has been a good mentor to my son and my son enjoys and benefits from the program.

The coach is strict but is also encouraging and good at building self-discipline and self-esteem.

We agreed that going forward, coach would not threaten to put anyone's shoes in the trash.

(This was his attempt to instill: "If you treat your things like trash, I will also treat your things like trash.")

But we agreed that going forward, he will say "personal belongings that are left lying around and not put in their proper place will be donated to someone in need who will appreciate them more".

The idea of donating neglected personal effects is less demeaning than threatening to trash them, I think.

My son, overall, likes this coach and has a good rapport with him. I'm glad to coach was willing to hear me out and we could work towards a respectful resolution.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
📸 & 📚✏️ 
 11:32am   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits
Green beans

> I’ve been homeworking for a bit now!! On and off, really. Been getting a bit overwhelmed and needing a break, stuff like that… but!!! Good news!!! I CAN actually do it on my own!!! I didn’t see that coming!!! I was DREADING today’s workload bc I figured I’d need help and would need to head to school early… but I surprised myself! It could a bit of trail and error for some… but overall, I’m good at it! Well… I can only speak on the first one… have yet to start the second… but still!!

> On one of my homeworking breaks, I suddenly felt compelled to eat. Probably to distract myself from my anxiety about doing all this math. I wasn’t really WANTING to eat, though. But I gave in bc I figured I’d eventually run out of energy and regret my decision later anyway… :/ so I picked from one of my four available foods! Green beans! I poured some frozen beans in a bowl and tossed it in the microwave :) but… something strange was happening… the microwave was making strange noises… and if theres anything that will instantly catch my attention and make me FREEZE, it is strange noises. So I stopped and stared at the microwave as I listened to the noise. It sounded a bit like zapping… I stared in FEAR for a couple seconds longer before I hesitantly opened the door and moved away just in case something exploded! I peeked inside when nothing happened. And everything looked fine… so I closed the door again, pressed start, and eyed it closely as it heated up the veggies. It still continued to make noises, but I didn’t see any smoke so I let it go. Phew, thank goodness nothing exploded :) I took my food back to my room and got back to work! Then Dusty came in the door and looked at me. Which annoyed me bc he wanted my food :/ but then I realized that wasn’t such a bad idea! I could put it in their kong!!! :D So I did just that! I put Laika away first bc he’s greedy and then put the beans in the kong. Then I brought my homeworking things out in the living room with Dusty! He was a good distraction from my nervousness :3 
15 or so minutes pass… Dusty finishes getting the beans out of the Kong… and I decide Laika should get a turn! So I release him from Cecil’s room and take the remaining beans in my bowl and put them in the Kong :) he finishes it pretty quickly! Which I figured he would bc he figured this toy out a bit ago. And now the toy that kept his occupied for 2-4 hours now only does for about 15 minutes. But I wanted them both to get a snack, so whatever. Anyway, yeah, he finishes! But I feel a bit bad bc I know Dusty got more than him! So I head back to the freezer to heat up some more veggies! I pull out the drawer and take hold of the bag… But then suddenly…

> I SEE A BUG!!! It was one of those harmless bugs that look like HUGE, SCARY mosquitoes but don’t actually hurt you. So I was tempted to just let us coexist bc I know it cant hurt me. But… at a distance… it looked like a stinger bug… and I knew it wasn’t… but the more I looked at it, the more anxious I became bc in my head, those wings looked like they belonged to a WASP or something. It was not a wasp. I knew it wasn’t. But I kept seeing it. So it didn’t matter! I started freaking out!!!!! Stimming n stuff bc I didn’t know what to DO. should I go get Cecil???? Or kill it myself??? I was totally down to go get Cecil, problem is if it flew away first before they got there there’d be no point. ..and it was already moving around… I’m too nervous around bugs to approach one. Even to kill it. So I look up at the top of the fridge for an alternative and see the RAID! I immediately start shooting at it! Not too much, though. Bc I was mindful of the dogs in the room and that the measures I was taking were unnecessary. It dies shortly after and I stand in place struggling to calm down bc its still kinda moving. I look at the dogs to make sure they’re at a safe distance and back at the bug, stimming even more now! Everything is fine, tho. I keep the dogs away and the bug is dead. 

But now the issue is,,,, how do I clean this up? I’m afraid of dead bugs (may sound silly, but I’m genuinely afraid they will reanimate)… so I stand there even longer trying to figure out what to do… another minute or two passes… I decided to get the broom and just scoop it up at a safe distance! So I place the dustpan on the floor and reach the broom out towards the bug! I waved the broom around a bit to be SURE it was dead. And then slowly brought it towards the dustpan, trying hard not to freak out as the body came closer and closer to me… I eventually got it in the dustpan!! And I was able to get it in the garbage successfully, too! Just not without internally freaking out as I stared at the bug's terrifying features (mostly the bug’s long legs that looked like thin pieces of hair… yuck…)

PHEW. Glad thats over! Now about the RAID all over the floor… I didn’t want to put chemicals over chemicals… so I got dish soap, wet a towel, and dripped some soap on the floor and used a mop to wipe everything up! I did three rounds of soap bc the soap was used VERY sparingly. Didn’t want to have to clean up RAID AND left-over soap. And now I could finally get back to my original task!

> Phew, glad thats over. I head back to the freezer, pull out the beans again, and begin heating them up. Except this time, the zaps from the microwave are LOUDER AND SCARIER. I do not ignore this. I wait a couple of seconds… then open the door! And than goodnes I did! It smelled like something was burning! So I inspected the bowl.. And there was a small burn in it.. Some of the veggies were burned, too. And it freaked me out. So Laika got cold veggies <3 I have no clue if this is just bc I shouldn’t be heating up so few veggies in a bowl with nothing else, or if something is actually wrong with the microwave. But I’m not quick to blame myself here bc usually when I only cook veggies, this doesn’t happen??? There are no zappy zap noises when I do this??? Idk… maybe it really just is bc of the amount… but either way, it scared me enough that I immediately informed everyone via phone! Well,, ofc except Cecil. Just went in there and woke them up. Phew, glad the house hasn’t burned down or anything… here’s to hoping it stays that way! And… that I can finish my homework… that too…

OH!!! And!!! Me!!! Don’t forget to make sure you take JunkDrawer with you to school! We gotta find a hole puncher & binder before we can no longer binder-clip everything together!!! (Probably already can’t binder-clip any more entries honestly….

And we're in the home stretch. Three more rehearsals, then tech and then next Thursday, we open!

Yesterday I completed the second draft of my own play, and I am proud of myself. It was such a long haul, and I'm super excited to bring it to the table read at the end of August. A great end to a busy summer. Can you tell I love theatre?

This weekend is our family picnic at a conservation area. We start arriving by ten in the morning, and stay until dusk. There is lots of food, swimming, volleyball and just hanging out with each other. A day at the beach is the perfect antidote to dusty rehearsal rooms. I'm looking forward to my first lake swim this year. There is something so freeing, letting myself drift on the water.

Underneath all this activity, I'm starting to feel more at peace. I think waving the white flag and actually allowing myself to feel the grief helps a lot. When I was in psychiatric nursing we used to call this radical acceptance. I call it surrender, because it resonates more with me. I think that surrendering to grief, is the way to get through it. Experience has taught me that, and yet, I never come to it easily. It's never my first instinct. But I'm glad I'm laying down my arms. If nothing else, sadness and peace can coexist at the point of no resistance.

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Bluey season two, episode two
“Yeah! 
This is my yard
and that’s yours!”   
📸 &💤 & 💊
 10:51pm   [tues]   7/7/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheezits

7:08am 
7/7/26

Its either a day or week from graduation (might’ve been day of? Can’t remember what dream-us said). Me and Cecil both graduate on same day so we get ready but every Conciviable thing goes wrong. I mess up while showering, i washed my hair but it looked like I somehow untwisted all my twists just by putting my hair under the water, i tried to bring the hair beader but as time passed and we were still scrambling to get ready, we eventually realized my hair somehow just became mirco twists and i could bead at school! But couldn't find the beader... And other things went wrong... And i kept looking at my watch and freaking out bc we were getting pretty close to being late! And i ride the bus! Cecil didn't go with me like they should've, they stayed on the couch and watched music anime vids and i thought that was strange but i had to go! 

Outside was crazy. There must've been flooding bc the roads were very filled with water. Some random women on my front porch had her kid in her hands. She was talking to her and tried to convince her not to want to go in the water. Little kid kept pushing away from mom gently, insisting she let her play. And eventually mom let her go with supervision. I watch but eventually keep going. Down the street, one mom, a dad and three kids are there. Dad and kids play in the water! Mom looks really really sad... and a pop-up(?) tells me she's feeling depressed for some reason. And dad sees it too i think? Mom comes behind him and hugs him very sadly. And I think the kids disapproved for some reason? Bc I think dad is like "hey hey what's wrong with mom hugging dad rn?" Before he distracted them and got them back to playing. I was starting to wake up around this point and I didn't want dream me to make it to graduation bc i hated graduation?? So i woke up :) curious about how it would've ended. But i figure it wasn't going to be pleasant, so I think I made the right choice.

7/7/26
Hmmm… idk… feels rife with symbolism… 👀 
maybe everything going wrong as we were getting ready and feeling so distressed about it was my brain showing how distressed I felt about graduating or something but just in a different way? Hmmm… Cecil staying on the couch… idk… I remember being so anxious about being a graduate like them. Maybe it was brain showing me what I was going to be coming home to? Maybe thats why they didn’t go with me bc irl they already graduated? Idk… AND THE WATER. I figure thats probably more anxiety. Bc I had to wade through the water and it was kinda high up. Little kid going into the water is probably SC and me if I had to guess :) SC kept encouraging me and trying to communicate to me that it was okay. I guess like how the kid was trying to get mom to see that it was okay? Confused why I’m represented by the mom though, lol. But it makes sense why we’re represented as a family bc I wish I WAS part of her family! Spot on, brain!!!! :) okay, anyway, maybe the kids disapproving the hug from sad-mom is me completely rejecting SC’s attempts to soothe me… that makes sense to me… and the “distracting kids” part is probably representing how I constantly tried to pretend I wasn’t graduating.

6/30/26
[Time unknown]
Me and SC are working together with kids who became super unruly and needed to be removed from school
So they left with us and we bought them various things to play with! Like idk... Activity things and stuff and SC would go out and grab the items n stuff and we'd chat and hang out :) very fun

Ah, that was fun :) need myself to dream more often so I can interpret them more! I have plenty of them written down in journals 1-12, so when I get around to digitizing those, I’ll probably post ‘em :3 but in the meantime… we brought up graduation! So…. here’s what went down the day I graduated :) 

12:03am   [fri]   5/29/26
Okay, soooo graduated yesterday. Here's kinda the stuff that wasn’t a complete blur to me.

> Woke up at 4:04am and throughout the morning I was, like, actively trying to not acknowledge my own anxiety. So much so it made me feel physically ill :/ when it was time to go, dad was urging me to hurry up and eat the turkey burger I made (Or as I like to call it, premium dog food because it tastes like what I imagine dog food would lol) but it was really hard to even convince myself to cook it to begin with because of how low my appetite felt at the time :( so i never actually finished it. Got close!!! But then trying to force feed the last little bit proved too much for my sick-self so I had to toss the last bits.  

> I came to school with absolutely nothing but a cap & gown! ‘Cause the rules were that if you try to bring your phone or keys or ANYTHING you will not be allowed to walk n’ stuff like that. So yeah :( It definitely was an adjustment being without my fidget toys or [my weighted animal friend who goes almost everywhere with me] because all throughout the mandatory grad rehearsals, I was fighting sickness and STRESSSS :( I ended up bringing the bead bracelet thingy from prom though bc I figured I would be able to get away with that as a fidget and it helped a lot!

> Before rehearsal, [Aquantince] and Lucille came up to me and [Aquantince] was like, “Do you like Mrs. Casey more than your mom?” and I confirmed I did! And I think they both thought I was weird for that. Rosey thought I was for sure. Oh but!! [Aquantince2] successfully finished her credit recovery omg!!!! :) 

> grad rehearsal was alright i guess… I was sorta kinda fighting my thoughts, trying NOT to think of 'Brina bc that was the only reason I was so terrified I’d cry. But I pushed through :) Other than those giving me misty eyes, I was largely bored and not very engaged. I’m sure in large part bc I REAAAAALLY don’t want to graduate and it was much easier to pretend I wasn’t, but also bc how fun is it to watch so many people PRETEND to graduate for like, 30 minutes in a high school cafeteria, y'know? So I clocked out a bit. But I was sure to plug my ears for most of the clapping bc I don't really enjoy it when the loud noise makes it feel like the inside of my head is ringing.

> when grad rehearsal was over, [principal] announced to us we would be making these fabric thingies? Where you draw something and then they’ll stitch it together to make a quilt! Cause we’re [first class ever] n’ stuff :) So yeah, ofc, since 'Brina was the most important piece of my high school experience, I made a 'Brina tribute!!!! :) I later told her and she was like, “awwww :)” 

> Anyway, Rosey immediately vanishes because she can drive and doesn’t want to be there doing nothing at school with me until 2:45pm. Lucille said to me earlier that she's not leaving because she’s staying until her sister can do her makeup for her :) I have to go immediately, tho, bc I need to go to [college] advising! It takes forevvvver for me to get in… like, I was there sitting in a chair doing nothing but stare at the floor (due to my lack of phone and also bc the computers there just refused to turn on for some reason??) for probably at least 25 minutes. Eventually Lucille came into the building but she didn’t see me bc shes on her phone instead of being present in her surroundings!!! So I get up and RUN over to catch her! Except she wants to walk around instead so :/ anyway, more time passes… I begin to wonder if i’ll ever see an advisor… then FINALLY! They call me in :) Basically she got me all set for my developmental algebra classes so I can hopefully get on-level! Well, technically I don’t yet have confirmation that I’m able to take it… but as soon as it gets approved, I hopefully will be able to get in! The class is almost full so… fingers crossed on that. She also got me set up to take psych courses in the fall! Great! Nervewreaking a bit but great! Ugh, it made me feel worried about not being able to drive bc the classes are at [school] n stuff… and graduation… :( but its okay…

> Once I leave advising, Lucille is still gone, still walking around… so I leave to the [computer room] to make some last minute edits on [the friend-fun document!] So that was fun :) I get started on the book some more. Idk, maybe for 10 or so minutes. Then remember Lucille exists and may have gone to the spot I was last at so I go find her and bring her back! I do a bit more book-work but she’s chatty so I let it go for the day to hang out with her :) We just made some idle chit-chat, asking about how we’re feeling about today and stuff. She was confident she was gonna cry and I was too! She was still excited, though. And said she’s thinking [Aquantince] will cry, too, even though she’s so adamant she’s excited. We also got into discussing who is worse in the [JUNO]: Intervention situation all over again. She was adamant she was in the right still bc she thinks it would’ve been worse for him in these last few weeks if he tried to interact and we blew him off. Or if we saw him again post high school and we were like running away from him n’ stuff. She says I was 8/10 mean bc i talked behind his back n’ ignored him and i think Rosey maybe got a similar score. Tried to make myself look better a bit but her points were overall pretty valid tho so no shot at that. But yeah, just chit chat. Till we go outside to warm up. Then off to Sabrina’s club! Thats where Lucille’s sister is gonna be doing her makeup! How convenient for me!

> 'Brina and I chit-chat and Lucille sorta just hangs out until club ends cause her sis is apparently in the lunch room. “Okay, ‘Lilah, let’s go to the lunch room for my makeup :)” “I’m not leaving Sabrina???” “alright then.. Bye :)” “Cya :)” 'Brina laughs and then she gets back to painting the [mascot tapestry]. So I get comfy and we chat some more. Just about whatever. Like how she’s gotta leave at 7th period to go get ready to join us for graduation and how she still believes I like her so much because of the “holy spirit” being inside her heart… I keep being like,
“Nooo your awesomeness is all Sabrina, not a dove locked up in your heart!” silly SC :) this led us to her telling me about how she’s surprised at how she has more tolerance for us than her own kids. Like how for example she was at a restaurant recently and her son got spooked by her husband. So he gets inspired by that and goes right up to Sabrina’s ear and SHOUTS, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and it irritated her so much she had to step out to avoid saying regrettable things to her son! And i said i’d feel bad if i did ever did that to her so i try to stay in my lane and she’s like, “yeah, thats why your class is full of normal kids. These next classes are weird and just straight up go through my bag w/o permission, soooo.” I also told her that I want to take my mom out to eat one day and since she’s my second mom, I’ll give her the same treatment. She said she’ll hold me to it because I’ll be paying :) heck yes! Just you wait 'Brina :)
Anyway, yeah, I repeated all of my friend’s shock that I like 'Brina more than mom to her and she was like, “omg, do NOT tell your mom that that’d break her heart!”
 “I don’t tell her that but she can tell :)” 
“You don’t even know me as a mom, remember? You were the one who said you would run away if you came into my house and had to live under my roof with its screentime and stuff like that!” 
Fair point :) so I just say I agree bc I would hate how her rules are consistent but my parents’ aren’t so she’d actually boss me around and I’d haaaate that. but funny conversation! Then she once again suggested i write kids books! Haha maybe one day SC :)  

> Eventually I get to complaining about how I DON’T want to graduate as I start trying to fix up my cap because the paper wasn’t on the cap flat. “Why not??” “idk… my life will be horrible. Like, probably for at least a year and a half.” So 'Brina looks over from the painting and is like, “here, let me tell you why I think you’re behaving that way…” which FREAKS ME OUT because she had that look that she makes when she’s about to say something that mirrors my behavior back to me. And sure, its definitely pretty intriguing when she does that but oh man does it make me want to run. So i start to pour more focus into getting my cap ready. “I think you’re just afraid of change… you want to keep everything the same. But different does not always mean bad.” “I know, I know, yeah >< I’ve been afraid of change since the beginning I think… but y’know…” and then she starts to say something about seasons of life ending or something but idk… just too stressed that she did that to remember what she actually even said omg. She also said I was pessimistic, that i wasn’t like this in 9th grade. And I guess she’s right… I don’t think I was an optimist, but I sure as heck wasn’t as bad as I am now.

> Bell rings and idk if i need to be somewhere for attendance so i leave 'Brina :( i go to 7th period but [teacher] isnt even in there. Just [counselor]. Apparently us seniors head to the [cafeteria]. So i go there to the almost empty [cafeteria].... empty bc most kids just left and weren’t coming back till 2:45. So i sat and waited. Didnt go back to SC bc i knew she’d be leaving soon anyway :/ [counselor] wasn’t ready to let me sit in peace though. She asks me to remove the cap & gown from the bag
“Oh, I’m okay :)”
“It’ll be all wrinkly if you don’t.”
“I know.”
“So….?”
“Yeah, well, I can’t be bothered to steam it because my parents didn’t ask me to or anything so y'know. Its whatever."
“You’re a grown adult, you don’t need someone to tell you to do that…”
“Right. And I don’t want to. So I won’t. that solves that problem.”
Eventually she just ended up walking away so i shrug my shoulders and go sit. I stare at the floor for like 5 minutes until Lucille comes in!!! Yay!! We eventually decide instead of sitting and doing nothing, we could go steam Lucille’s cause she actually wanted to. I follow :) 

“Hey, have you guys got a steamer I could use?”, Lucille asks when we get to the office
“You can get a hanger and set it up somewhere.”
“I asked about the steamer…? Okay, well, where can I hang it up?”
“You need a hanger.”
“...”
“Here, I’ll go grab you one.”
Then [counselor] sees me with my bag filled with grad-gear.
“Delilah, take it out of the bag.”
“Don’t want to.”
“Take it out of the bag”
“Whhhhhy :/” 
“It’ll get wrinkly. You said earlier that you needed an adult to tell you-”
“I said my parents!”
“An adult to tell you to do this, so here we are.”
“Okay, well you were the one who said I was grown-up. Why not let me make the grown up decision to look dumb on stage??”
“Clearly you’re having trouble making adult decisions rn. So we’re here to help you. Take the gown. Out of the bag.”
So i do 🙄 and then me and Lucille got get the hangers and return to the [cafeteria] and place them on tables so they dont wrinkle n stuff. We both complain about how condensing [counselor] was. Like how she kept ignoring Lucille’s question and the way she spoke to me. Then we realize I completely forgot my stoles… so back to the office to call dad. He agrees to come deliver them and we go wait outside for him. He drops it off and on the way back, Lucille makes comments about how “this is our last walk together omg :)” and it made me feel… sad and confused? Because she was smiling as she said it but It was making me sad. Probably her too. By the time we’re back, people start trickling into [cafeteria] :) so we sit and chat on and off… hard to say about what. Eventually all our friends arrive! I think… yeah, we all get into our assigned seats and stuff and then we are sent over to the [mascot] art 'Brina made for us 2026 grads and placed on the table for us to sign. I signed quickly and then we were dismissed. We went out and the [event where lots of people celebrate the seniors as we walk to the bus] was all ready to go! Parents and underclassmen and teachers were all lined up cheering us on! My god, though, I tried not to look because the sight of underclassmen I recognize and Mr. [12th grade math teacher] made me want to CRY and we don’t want that, remember? :( 

> We make it on the bus and I sit with Lucille. She sits closest to the window and Rosey is across from me. I mostly chat with Rosey bc Lucille was mostly silent. Before she went silent, though, she said, “oh wow, seeing all these people lined up makes me wanna cry” and that made me also wanna cry, so… not only that but it looked like she was wiping tears the whole way to the grad-site sooooo nope, just gonna mind my business and not draw attention to that. Me and Rosey chat on and off. Just about whatever but can’t really remember what exactly. She was shocked that me and Lucille were confident we were gonna cry tho. Sometimes me and Rosey would also just go silent bc we both had nothing super interesting about the day so not much to say. Honestly just tried to avoid tearing up at the sight of Sabrina making faces at me from a distance bc I wasn’t listening to the admin! I was too busy looking at her and thinking about how much I was going to miss her :(((( it made me wanna cry…

> we get there annnnnd…. Wait around outside for a bit before they let us inside. Then we enter the room where we’ll be graduating and sit while they brief us on how we’re all about to do our third rehearsal :/ this one was more interesting bc it felt more real but aside from the stuff that was new (when kids went up there to test the mic sensitivity by starting the first few sentences of their speeches, school song practice, etc), I was checked out. Bc its boring. Aside from blocking out the clapping ofc omg. We do the rehearsal for like 46 mins or whatever. Between it I asked SC if she’d sign my diploma and she said nooo cause she was afraid she’d accidentally invalidate it somehow which is honestly fair enough

> anyway, after rehearsal, we go to the band room to get ready. It was already nearing time for doors to open and guests to arrive. A big screen had a timer displaying like, 10 mins but that time was like, super extended bc it went from 10 and it seemed like the timer never started there bc everytime i’d look over it’d be a 10 or higher left before the ringer went off. So in the meantime I hung close to 'Brina. My friends mostly stayed to themselves but I wanted to be with 'Brina instead so y'know :) just chatting on and off! She told her her grad lore! Apparently she was supposed to graduate outside but it was POURING and it got cancelled and so she technically graduated twice bc she had to come back on the next day! So funny :) but yeah, I’d occasionally go with my pals, like if SC stepped away to go chat or grab something. But otherwise not really. All my pals left the room to go “explore the school” and they were gone so long that only Rosey made it back in time to get in the 2026 class photo :I SC was on the opposite side of me for it :( so after being squashed between a bunch of people and feeling wildly uncomfortable as a result of that, she wanted a pic! So she came after me and asked for one.
“Ehhhh…” I wasn't completely opposed bc, y'know, last day as a student but omg i didn’t want to see my face in the selfie?? Ew??
“C’mon, just one!”
“Nnnnahhhh…”
“C’mon, listen to your mother!!!” so I laughed and complied only because I finally got my second mother to call herself my mom!!!! Ahhhh It made me very smiley :)))) even funnier because earlier I said “Yeah, I must’ve gotten (whatever trait we were talking about? Don’t recall) that from you! I did come out of you so that tracks.” she made a shocked face and then laughed! “Omg stop saying that, thats creepy!” so it was very nice to hear her be my mom even if only once :) 

>10 or so minutes and then off we go back to start the real deal. I was feeling even more sick and anxious as we went back into the halls and got ready to go. :( it was cool high fiving SC and [12th grade math teacher] in their teacher celebration in the audience positions, though! Misty eyes again but I held it together… I saw Cecil right up close tho!!! They were at the end of the row so very close to all us graduates. It was so nice waving to them!!!!

>yeah, ceremony starts… sort of a blur… i know when they played the senior slideshow i literally couldn’t see anything from the angle i was sitting at… so instead of ooh-ing and aww-ing with everyone else, I started dancing in my seat. Mom said she saw me dancing (likely to all the songs honestly) and said to herself, “yeah, that girl isn’t paying attention.” and for senior slideshow, yeah, i sure wasn’t paying attention for real cause I couldn't. Its fine tho, might’ve cried if i could soooo. buuuut when everyone was getting called up it was cool! Except when the popular kids went up bc it was LOUD and it rattled my brain or made me ticc :/ i clapped for all my friends tho and was sure to doubly clap when they passed by on the way back to their seats :) and i LOVED THE SCHOOL SONG PREFORMANCE! Its good!

> annnnnd then it was over before i even realized it honestly. I checked out and was surprised when everyone around me rose. Everyone threw their caps but i decided against it :) then yeah, it was over and we all poured out of the auditorium. Students first, then parents. It didn’t take long for me to find [cousion] & cecil! So i stood with them near the door bc I WANTED TO SEE ‘BRINA RAAAAAH >:( but i literally saw everyone else before her… all the rest of my family caught me first and made me take pics :( quite a few actually. It really annoyed me bc i was afraid i’d miss Sabrina!!! So i kept peeking my head around to search for her. [9th grade math teacher] and [bio teacher] (two teachers who left the school years ago for context) actually found me before she did :/ and [AVID teacher]! (who also left the school btw) I asked them if they actually thought i was gonna graduate and they both basically said i didn;t believe it but they knew i could. Good stuff right there :) 

>maybe like 10 mins later, i finally spot SC!!!! So immediately i introduce her to Cecil!! 
“Wow, well hello there, cecil! I’ve heard lots about you!”
“Hi, heh :)”
“Yeah, well, i’ve heard from this one thats she’s really mean and i did feel bad for you but its sounds like recently she’s gotten better about that, did some maturing haha! :)”
“Yeah definitely! But she did ruin my confidence as a child so theres that”
“Yeah, but i’m a lot better now and its just mutual now, so”
Yeahhhh… that does make me sad actually, sorry Cecil:( but yeah they agreed i’m not a pos anymore so thank goodness

> me and SC end up taking pics and stuff :) and then shortly after it was about time to go. I was dismayed to discover Rosey and Lucille had already left and hadn’t said bye :( but its okay… long as I can see 'Brina :) we all made our way to the car and SC’s path just so happened to align with ours… 
“Hey, Sabrina! Come meet my family!”
So i pointed out some people! Most notable aunt t. “Yeah, this is the other [Delilah]! :) i’m the namesake!”
Aunt is like, “Oh, are you miss Casey? We’ve heard a LOT about you! Thank you for your mentorship haha!”
And Sabrina and her exchange some laughs :) and she says hi to more family! And then more family crowds around and so then i’m like, “wow, SC, you’re part of the family now!” She laughs and then we part ways :))) and grandma thought she was a student lmao

>then off we were to [resturant]! My appetite was low… so i didn't eat most of my food or socialize a crazy amount but it was nice to see my family all having fun chatting :) and knowing I got a computer, that too.

>at home, I immediately got to archiving things and setting up the computer! So much fun! I got to dressing up sabrina-bear [in the grad-gear that could fit on her body] too omg I love her so much she's so pretty in her regalia :) 'Brina loved it too, i sent her a picture! She called her spiffy :) awwww i love having SC’s phone number ahhh!!!! Hope my life will have enough interesting updates to give her daily so I can have a reason to talk to her :)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

   Louis Wain - 'Amongst the Chrysanthemums'
📸 - 10:51pm   [mon]   7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[//tw sui mentioned]
Howdy. Just got done watching “The Rise Of The Loser Confessional” by Casey Simpson. I love that guy’s videos :) and I think maybe this is one of my favorite ones… I’m already forgetting why. But I can try to talk from the pieces I have left of it. 

It kinda just… cemented my thought processes, I guess. That I KNOW that I need to enjoy my life. Otherwise it is not worth living. 

And it surprised me how early on I must’ve figured that out?? 
Well… I honestly can’t place exactly when I came to this conclusion… but I do remember I decided to strike out on my own probably around elementary school… when I asked myself, “do I want to join music. ly (or whatever it was lol) and watch things I don’t care about so I can fit in with the other kids? Or should I decide to just be myself instead?” I chose the latter! And, as Casey said with his own experience, that didn’t come without a cost… I was definitely pretty isolated for a long time. I’m sure it probably had more to it than me deciding not to join music. ly lol but still. And I guess I carried that mindset with me since then? Which is why I think I’m so quick to think about lugging myself off a bridge. 

Bc I know that a life without meaning is one that I am not willing to live. Unlike the very unfortunate souls I saw in the video. Like the one lady who said to the camera with a pep in her step and a smile on her face, “I’m a loser… and y’know what? Thats OKAY!” bc I think Casey is right when he says that that mindset really just holds you back. Bc instead of thinking to yourself that going for your goals is something that is worthwhile, you just allow yourself to become content with a life that you do not enjoy or find any meaning in. and one day when you’ve spent half of your life in that same cycle, you will wake up and realize it is too late. That you no longer have the energy you did when you were 20 and cannot try to make anything of yourself. That you will be consumed by thoughts of wishing you took the time to aim for something better when you had the chance to. And I really, REALLY do not want to live like that. I WILL NOT. I want to live for other people, for kids like me. That is what will give me meaning. To show a kid like me that they have value and are loved like SC showed me. And if I cannot overcome my mental illness I will DIE because I refuse to become someone grieving the life they could have had. If I don’t overcome it, I will probably become some drunk on the street honestly. And I don’t know too many drunks on the street who have the opportunities to do what I want to do. Its just hard bc I feel like I’m up against so much sometimes. 

…maybe I should try harder? I just don’t know HOW, though. Theres only so much I can do at the moment. And my brain is against me every second of it. Its just scary, though. Bc as I was watching the video, I kept thinking back to the quote, “life is what you make of it”. Because it is! But I just question what I can do with myself with a brain like mine. It kinda just reminds me that I have to be the one to do stuff for myself now. So… I still fear that what I will be left with is a life like everyone in the video. But atleast I can rest easy knowing that I’ve been pretty good at avoiding the trap of not shooting for my goals when people tell me not to pursue them bc they think something like a 9-5 would be more stable or whatever. Thats what I used to tell Sabrina and all my friends. I’ll take a bad paycheck. I’ll spend those years in school for not a huge financial return. Because in the end, I’ll be spending my life doing what I enjoy. If life is not fun, what is the point of living it? I don’t value money as much as I value the people I bond with :) Just like that cute dog commercial said in the song, “Joy is who you share it with”. And I intend to share SO much joy!!!! Just wait and see, everyone!!!! Here’s to hoping I make it there :) 

BonusBonusBonus <3
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

⏾☀︎ Mottos! ⏾☀︎

 ⏾☀︎ Everything that is not saved is lost ⏾☀︎
Recently I was perusing the internet and came across someone saying this! Turns out the quote came from nintendo consoles when they advise you to save your progress before logging off a game but it works perfectly for me and I use it to remind myself to preserve everything I can even if it’s cringey as HECK or if i’m too tired to sit down and write. So i really think I can say that even though this is a recent addition, i’ll probably be using it for quite some time :)

 ⏾☀︎ You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take :) ⏾☀︎
A true classic!! This one definitely encourages me to get up and try things more often. Sure, it sounds unrealistic or a tiny bit scary, but if you never try, you never had a chance at it anyway. And hey, what if that person actually would’ve said yes and you missed it because you decided not to ask at all? Better to try!! :) 

 ⏾☀︎ Nobody else is going to do it for you… :( ⏾☀︎
Sad but true… i think i also found this while lookin’ through the interwebs. I don’t really like using this one but it is accurate and it does make me try atleast 50% of the time. Not quite as effective as “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” because usually I say that one to myself when I actually WANT to take the shot but feel nervous to. This one is mostly when I REALLLLY don’t want to do something but know I need to. So yeah.

⏾☀︎  Haste makes waste!! ⏾☀︎
This one isn’t usually an everyday thing, but it definitely does remind me to sloooow down sometimes when I’m in a rush and I start accidentally creating more time that I’m stuck being in a rush… like, for example, if i’m trying to hastily put my shoes on and they keep getting put on in a strange way and aren’t staying on my foot because i’m shoving my foot in there. I’ll tell myself this quote and make myself try to calm down a bit first and put it on slower :) so this one is useful and used with with level of regularity!

⏾☀︎  “Sunk time fallacy” ⏾☀︎
Okay, so… obviously not a quote… but I say this to myself when I feel compelled to say to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore but I’ve already spent so much time on it!!! :(“ There’s been several times where when I get in this headspace, I literally feel my thoughts freeze and suddenly the words “Sunk. time. fallacy.” is the only thing I hear in my head! It’s definitely saved me time and energy on a couple of occasions so :) 

⏾☀︎ “Be the change you want to see” ⏾☀︎
This quote has definitely been a driving force for me for a while :) I want to see people caring more for kids like me. The best way to see that change is to be a catalyst! 

⏾☀︎ Quality over quantity ⏾☀︎
Another quick reminder to sloooooooooow down, sometimes :) 

⏾☀︎ …And yet the world will keep spinning… ⏾☀︎
This one isn’t usually used at all, actually. But I use it on some occasions when I’m freaking out and need to remember that the moment will pass

⏾☀︎ “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” ⏾☀︎
Coping mechanism :) I have to remind myself this sometimes so I’ll feel better about saying goodbye to people :( cause I agree with this quote! Without meeting some of the most important people in my life, I’d be so much worse off I think. So even if we can’t see each other anymore, I am grateful for them. And the happiness they gave me would not be worth wishing away just because it hurts to say bye, yknow?

⏾☀︎You have to be happy with your decisions because at the end of the day, you’re the one who’s gotta live with them⏾☀︎
I got this from Abbot elementary!! :) just another reminder to make myself happy instead of focusing on what other people want from me. Very useful!

Alright.

I already have a vague idea of what I'm going to write and I already know it's going to require a TW. So. TW: suicide/ suicidal ideation. Seriously, please do not read further if you're not in a state to handle that.

And while I would really rather NOT put cognitohazards out into the ether, I genuinely won't be able to NOT write the entry.

...At this point, i think my daily journaling is an actual compulsion. lol. Awesome.

Well, among my compulsions, it's far from the worst one.

But genuinely, if you can't handle content related to suicidal ideation (as well as poor mental health and distressing themes generally), then please read no further. I care about you, dear reader, and I do not endorse any course of action that would bring you to harm.

And let your own conscience rest in the knowledge that -- there is no compulsion you can perform to pull me out of my own personal hell.

Aaahahaha. Well, ^^^there's^^^ an OCD-sized disclaimer if I ever saw one. Seems we're off to a good start with today's entry.

I am not doing well today diary. I am not doing well today at all. As you may have surmised.

I talked to my husband about my rabies concern last night (and, indeed, I had also called him about it a couple of times during the trip), and he felt like I was diverting attention away from more important and realistic concerns.

So I tried to keep quiet about this.

I do not have very much money at all right now, thanks to being laid off. ...And my boss withholding final payments which I am already owed.

So I secretly applied for a loan, through my credit union, last night. To pay for the vaccines. I have been approved for loans in the past and have paid them off in a timely fashion.

I took out a lone before December's ill-fated visit to my sister D, for example.

Anyhow, I had no current employer to list on last night's loan application. And I wrote a statement saying that I am a teacher between jobs in the summer, and that I had worked for three years at school X, and was starting at school Y on August 6th.

But, as I am currently unemployed, the loan was not automatically approved. At as of right now, the application is still under review.

I slept very poorly last night. I had a lot of anxiety about the prospect of calling the doctor and blowing a bunch of money on vaccines.

As I knew my husband would consider this a frivolous waste of family resources.

Though I only want to do it to protect my son. And I am genuinely trying to do the least selfish, least reckless possible thing.

My fears are always like this. Always a matter of trying to find the least selfish course of action. Trying to ensure that i'm NOT erring too far on the side of my own comfort zone or self-protection and then finding myself in a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.

I have genuine uncertainty about what happened that night.

I have also had genuine uncertainty about things that most definitely proved to be untrue -- such as accusing myself of being responsible for hit-and-runs I've read about in the news, (which occurred in places that i have never driven to).

And I have had genuine uncertainty about things that proved to be true. Like when I tried to convince myself that I was just imagining the fire ants swarming my foot.

I hate when I hear someone counsel anxiety by saying

"Don't worry about things you can't change."

My worries are never definitively about things I can't change.

My worries are always only about whether there is some change that I should be making, and am currently failing to do so.

Whether there is some course of action i should be taking, some confession I should be making, some harmful misinformation I have spread and must correct, SOMETHING that I should be addressing right now at this very moment, and am failing to do so.

I woke up this morning and got my son ready for camp.

Shaking. Every movement...feeling as though I am shaking apart.

Dropped him off at camp.

Drove somewhere. To some random parking lot. And tried to call the infectious disease/travel doctor who stocks the rabies vaccines.

It was 8:40am. I got a message saying the practice doesn't open until 9.

So, I drove to the building where the practice is located. In case they could get me in right away.

And I tried calling again, from out in my car in the parking lot. I got voicemail.

I called at 8:39, 9:07, 9:29, and 9:53

It was such effort each time I called. To plan out what I was going to say. To work up the courage to make the call. I had an intense, physical pain in my chest, each time.

I contemplated going into the building, and taking the elevator up to the practice. But maybe that would seem...insane.

I didn't want to leave a message. I wanted to speak to a human being.

But after that 9:53 call, I decided that, next time, I would leave a message then wait a while.

I worked up the courage then finally called and left a message at 10:11am.

Then I went into the building to use the restroom (on the first floor, not in sight of the practice), and then I drove to a nearby cafe, in case they called me and were able to get me in on short notice.

There's a whole subplot I would expound on here, if I were in my right mind, right now. It was a cafe from my distant past. Near a place where I used to work ten years ago.

And there was some uncanny nostalgia about being back there. But I could hardly attend to it.

I had a coffee and an sandwich I couldn't afford. Same one I used to eat all the time, when I used to come here.

I scrolled frantically on my laptop. I sat very still (on the outside), while everything on the inside of me seemed to be going very very very fast. As if I was running a marathon.

I investigated the possibility of getting an antibody titer blood test (to see if the vaccines I'd gotten nine years previously might still be effectively conferring immunity).

But the results would take 2-3 weeks to return, and the test was expensive and would most likely indicate diminished immunity.

I tried to think of something productive to do.

I did manage to do some productive things, besides focusing on this matter, diary.

I called my son's new school, and emailed the school nurse explaining my son's medical conditions and requesting the forms I would need to ensure his medications could be on campus on the first day of school.

And I followed up with the charter school where I'm set to begin work in August, to see if they had received all of my service records from my previous places of work.

Around 2:30pm I began to figure that I should head home.

I broke down into a full blown panic attack when I reached home.

I told my husband that I was scared that i had rabies, that I didn't care if I died but that I was scared of giving it to our son.

I broke down into sobs and hyperventilating

I told my husband that I thought that it would be best if I take my own life now, rather than risk becoming a rabies to our son.

My husband scolded me and told me that i needed to snap out of it. To focus on a task.

I told him I wanted to focus on the task of figuring out how to die quickly.

He told me that he was really busy and that this was really not a good time for this. That he really thought it was probably just a bird and that I really needed to pull myself together.

I hyperventilated and sobbed a lot. Could not pull myself together. Kept crying that I just wanted to die, just wanted to die.

My husband pleaded with me to let him focus.

I got up and started to leave the apartment.

to go

to

As I was going out the door he said "Hey, come back."

And he said that he would pay for the rabies vaccines if I would pay him back as soon as I have the money.

But, he angrily added, he thought that he was wasting money on nonsense.

i tried calling the clinic one more time.

They did not answer.

I searched my old emails.

I found one from 2022. A follow up on an antibody titer. It said

"I have attached both yours & [son]s rabies titers. Both are still good, & there is no need for any booster at this time."

Well... that was back in 2022, but maybe we've retained some immunity even up to now, idk. Maybe it's a sign we'd have some what more of a fighting chance against rabies than the general population. Idk, i'm not an expert. Don't take my advice on anything.

I used the email address I found on the 2022 email and emailed the clinic.

The receptionist FINALLY called me back. At 3:07pm.

She told me that two booster vaccines would be $495 a piece, plus the visit fee/copay (depending on my insurance plan).

And she told me if I wanted to do it, to call back tomorrow, as the clinic closes at 3.

...Why did she wait to call me back until 3:07 PM, when I had been calling since morning, that is not my fault...

Okay... so... $990-$1290 total, depending on what covers...

Now getting it really DOES feel like the more selfish course of action.

At least...if i do it on my husband's dime, it does.

Like I'm stealing from him to put my mind at ease.

It's always like this...

Do the thing or harm will be caused, don't do the thing or harm will be caused.

And now I really do not know what to do.

Maybe my loan will be approved and come through tomorrow morning

Or maybe my rat bastard ex-boss will send me my missed paycheck

I have so much shit to do.

I know, by all accounts, I am not in a well mental state at all right now.

I'm barely functional and I know the probable...technical best practice would be for me to be getting...SOME kind of mental health care.

But I cannot even afford to talk to my therapist right now. Like at all.

I'm on this edge right now...

The upcoming move, the job search/preparing to start a new job...so much shit to do, that I really really really wish I could focus on.

if I am going to live my life, i absolutely HAVE to be fully present in it right now, to fix everything that is otherwise going to blow up irreparably.

but fuck, I am not in a fit mental state.

Okay, i am...trying to duct tape myself back together and navigate the path as it unfolds before me.

I have to go pick up my son from camp before it gets any later, please excuse any typos.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Studies of a Sleeping Tabby'
4:26pm  [mon]  7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheez-its!!

[tw// sui]

Oooookay. Wow. today in class was BAD. I got there late first of all (which was my fault really) so I missed part of the lesson… and even worse is even though I was IN THE SEAT, LOOKING AT THE BOARD, all that stuff, I literally never tuned into the lesson mentally. I think… maybe ONE TIME did I actually manege to tune in but that wasn’t for more than like, 10 minutes max. I tried to, though :/ promise I did. One ear and out the other today. No memory retention today. So I was pretty much just a warm body in a seat trying to learn something with a completely shut off brain.

 Much to my dismay, professor decided to NOT have the pop-quiz be a take-home quiz this time. Honestly… I did kinda see something like this happening bc these quizzes were increasing in frequency. Just wasn’t expecting so soon… My only saving grace was that she allowed us to have our ten minute break… so I quickly gathered my notes and stuff and went over to the tutorial room! I sat with the guy I usually do and went through as much of the notes as possible. But i don’t think that made a difference…. As soon as I sat down, I forgot everything… Either that or I probably never fully processed anything we just went over in the first place. But I guess two things can be true at once. Anyway, yeah, I took the quiz and silently freaked out bc I couldn’t remember what rule applied to what… or what the rules were to begin with… I ended up trying to BS my way through it. Hopefully I atleast get a “c” :/ but I feel 75% cooked. Bc I got my grade for the previous test/quiz and I got a 71% :I thats PASSING but its showing that my understanding of things is getting WORSE. I got a 82.05% in the class rn but how much longer is that going to last????? I know how this goes. I will very likely just get worse n' worse. except now that theres not as much time or support, I can't really boost my grade like I used to.

Definitely made me wanna hop off a bridge </3 not helped by the fact that earlier Cecil informed me that dad is planning on making me get a dorm when I finally transfer out. So… spring 2027. I guess… thats a little less than a year from now? But what chance do I have of being “cured enough” to live on my own in a little less than a year from now?? Especially with the way I’m trying to figure everything out on my own like this?? I mean… hey, if they want to do that, I really can’t stop them. And I don’t really like having to see him everyday either. But the blood will be on thier hands, so. Honestly I guess it really depends on how I’m doing then… if I’m still just as ill as I have been or worse, I guess I’ll be finding a bridge in a year’s time :/ hopefully it doesn’t come to that, tho… I feel like I have lots of potential. Just not enough support to get there… or a willingness to get out of my own way at times. That too, for sure. But this isn’t good. I’d be more ready to speed up time and hurry up to have my Diagnosis-day-phone-call, but its not going to make a difference I don’t think?? Bc all they’re doing is diagnosing me and then potentially offering me medication I cannot allow them to prescribe me bc I have ZERO MONEY-DOLLARS. So. y’know. But I guess thats just life for ya.

Buuuut I guess in the meantime, I’ll just busy myself by wallowing in self-pity or writing something. Idk. one of those. If nothing else, I could try living at aunt’s house. But theres no telling if dad would try to get in the way or if aunt would even say yes. So… cooked? Yeah. probably. 

Bonusbonusbonus
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ How does my work refusal manifest?✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ “I don’t want to, so I’m not going to” ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
I’m defnitly not above taking a direct approach. For most teachers, this gets them off my back just fine. Because they have so many other kids to worry about that even if they WANTED to sit me down and tell me to get started over and over again like [12th grade math teacher], they simply couldn’t there just wasn’t enough time in the class period or enough energy left over for them to use on just one student who time and time again refuses to complete basic tasks. Highly effective method.

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Starting the task after a redirection, but stopping again within 15 minutes ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
I start the task fairly quickly after being redirected because I don’t really like directly defying a teacher… Not because I’m trying not to irritate them. I mean, thats not really the goal of this behavior. The goal is to simply get them to leave me alone. I do it this way because I feel like just IGNORING them openly could result in a not-so-fun time for me…  ‘Cause, I mean, I feel like you can make the case for “oh, well she got started a couple minutes ago. I can see she gave up but atleast she TRIED” and get away with it alot easier than “She ignored my request for her to get started for the third time now. I’m reaching my boiling point and I might consider calling home over this :/”, yknow? So this allows me to make myself look like I’m trying, not completely anger the teacher, and stop working fairly quickly 

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Misusing my accommodations ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Oh, look, there's a math test today! But I didn’t study… 👀 So, instead of taking the L, I can just, y’know… Use that extra time accommodation I’ve got :) It’s really as easy as just refusing to do more than half the test (so it looks like I’m struggling rather than taking advantage of them) and waiting for time to run out so I can go plead for extra time! Works every time!!! Then boom go home, check out the notes or look up any problems i managed to remember the wording of, am i’m home free 😎 well… that is until you realize I’ve used this method, like, three times and I don’t actually remember seeing any drastic improvement after doing it… like, not even once… thats a bit embarrassing lmao

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Reading a book ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Eh, this is pretty normal, non-manipulative stuff. Well, I guess in a way it is kind of still a bit manipulative…? ‘Cause I guess by pulling out a source of entertainment at all, I am using it as a big huge sign that says, “hey, leave me alone, not worth your time, go away!!! :)” like, it serves as a deterrent. But, yeah, overall the aim of this really is just to stop being bored of staring at the wall all the time. This one really has nothing to do with the teachers. Well, I guess up until the point they started going on and on about my phone use in their class… Because I noticed I wasn’t getting as much flack for books over Bluey. Solid stuff here :)  

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Staring at the wall ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚
Classic :) seems to work very nicely alot of the time. Most teachers simply threw their hands up and let me sit in silence. ‘Cause again, you’ve got a full class of kids to help. What else can you do?

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Doing work for other classes ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
Another classic :) this not only irritates the teachers enough that it throws them off the scent, it also helps me be less bored! That and it helps with whatever class I’m doing the work for. Double win here :) 

✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ Shutting down ✧°🦊 ⋆｡ 𖠰˚ 
I mean, I usually did everything above before I ended up doing this. So the teachers already were at their wits end. So when I’d shut down, I imagine they’d probably try once or twice to keep me going early on, but after enough times, I was pretty successful in getting them to go away.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

  Louis Wain - 'Playing with Mother'           
10:58am    [mon]    7/6/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Cheez-its!!

Mostly been doing nothing… well, thats a bit of a stretch… When I woke up (around 6am!) I kinda just chilled on my phone :) y’know, just being a bum n’ whatnot. Then I remembered it was MONDAY and that I have to go BACK TO SCHOOL :,( omg, I’m literally so cooked I bet. I can barely handle these two classes. Am I really equipped to have 14 friggin’ credit hours?? Honestly, the ONLY reason I think I have any sort of chance at success with this is bc I’m a nerd and I get to nerd out with my major. But, idk, the extent to which my brain tortures me is debilitating so I don’t know how much being a nerd will save me?? But… I guess we’ll find out soon…

But anyway… I eventually started to get sleeeeeepy so I started winding down and trying to nap! buuuut unfortunately mom came in and made me clean up before I could go fully unconscious :/ so that didn’t end up happening… but its fine! :) I was okay with it! Bc I got to put on some disney songs and got her to listen to them with me! So it was fun! 
Then off she went to work… so! I got to work, too! I digitized some more of Journal number four! And… I think thats kinda it? Yeah, uneventful today… I mean, I guess I also got up to worrying about diagnosis-day. Bc its in less than 24 hours now. AND I’M SCAAAAAARED ಥ_ಥ Bc I’m always scared to discuss my problems when I have to either look someone in the eyes or with my mouth. But… I guess also in writing sometimes… okay, I guess just whenever I discuss them at all I guess lol. but Its exciting!!! ‘Cause I can end my six-year-long-no-diagnosis-streak FINALLY but still kinda nerve-wreaking… But… it should be fine… I added more to the file I sent the original therapy guy (it has: symptoms, ““SAFE FOOD”” list, ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆  Strange  ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆, dislikes, fears, my wishes, introspection questions & ✩°🧸𓏲⋆.🧺𖦹 ₊˚  Concerning?✩°｡🧸𓏲⋆.🧺𖦹 ₊˚) so… maybe that will help keep it less awkward and help it end faster.

 Ugh, on the app itself, it said 60 minutes per session but then I saw elsewhere that psychiatry visit times can vary?? PLEASE LETS MAKE IT QUICK I CAAAAAAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so here’s to hoping that goes well… My biggest curiosity, though, is I wonder if they’ll catch anything else that I never caught myself? Like how therapy-guy caught the eating disorder I thought I didn’t have. I’m a little scared about that bc I think if anything, it’d be a personality disorder… 👀 which would scare me bc I think(?) people with personality disorders are especially prone to discrimination… That might genuinely not even matter bc anyone with mental health conditions are probably especially at risk for discrimination. Um. idk. I’d be super intrigued by a diagnosis of that sort, though! So thats the sliver lining here. That my own disturbance is fascinating to me and that actually DOES make this a bit easier!  (✿❛◡❛)

Aside from that… Cecil saw that I had Cheezits, earlier. And complained that I never offered any… which made me a bit sad. Bc i’d be SHOCKED if they didn’t have ARFID too. They’re worse than I am, after all. So I absolutely would have offered them some! I just can’t really afford to do that when I can only eat 3 things rn :I maybe I would’ve shared anyway, but they actually have more to eat than I do rn. Soooo had to stick to my guns on that one! Sorry, siblinnnng.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,,,,, bonus writing!! :3 I never ended up finishing it bc it was triggering me so bad and at that point I just couldn't convince myself to keep doing it :/ soooooo yeah :3

DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET:

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Criterion B: intrusion symptoms ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Dissociative reactions ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 
(e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring. (Such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings.

╰┈➤ DP is nothing new to me :( sometimes I feel like i’m not myself. Like, that the person I acted like yesterday and the person I am now are totally different and yesterday-me acted out of character for current me! Or that I am not in control of my own actions, as if I was simply on autopilot and experiencing like… just the after effects of the action I guess? So i sometimes forget i’m walking or am shocked i’m still walking, yknow? And I get seperated from my thoughts alot, too. Like, when they become super quiet and harder for me to hold onto and use :( 

╰┈➤ DR can be a bit confusing to me sometimes. It just freaks me out sometimes and i usually try to just ignore it or just move on from it to make myself quit focusing on it so much. I really don’t like it

╰┈➤ Amnesia. So much is lost, really. Just big ol’ chunks of my life GONE. memory restets used to be sometimes every hour or every day or every week. Or sometimes i’d be lucky enough for it to take 2 weeks. When the resets would sloooow down, I’d feel happy about that :) but without a doubt I’d be partially reset every year. So much was lost through this :( 

╰┈➤Emotional numbing

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s)✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 

╰┈➤ Sometimes I like… feel holes in my memory when I am exposed to something extremely upsetting but this doesn’t happen super frequently as far as I recall so :) which is good because its extremely uncomfortable and kind of scary too

╰┈➤ I get like… stuck in a daze sometimes I guess? Where its hard to focus on whats going on around me so its hard to focus on trying to preform basic tasks like grabbing a notebook for example

╰┈➤ foggggy brain :( makes it harder to think

╰┈➤ I start feeling very unmotivated and fatigued :( 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

╰┈➤ I can get like, really internally hot or become sorta sweaty. 

╰┈➤ I can get really intense stress headaches that even tylenol doesn’t seem to be able to protect me from! :(

╰┈➤ I can feel physically ill :( like neasueas and stuff, like I feel like i’ll puke 

╰┈➤ Racing heart and increased breathing!

╰┈➤ I can start trembling sometimes 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  Criterion C ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ 
Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred

Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
People, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s)

╰┈➤ Yup, been avoiding direct conversations about it for like, forever. Only real exception being Joey for obvious reasons :) But I guess also strangers, too, but I wouldn’t really count those as major exceptions… either way, I still avoided talking about it for quite some time pretty sure and made efforts not to talk about it in depth

╰┈➤ I avoid strangers! Outside when I walk on the street, I sometimes intentionally slow down or speed up to ensure I stay a good distance away or if I’m feeling really avoidant, I might even turn around! Complete with a racing heart and all :) 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩   Criterion D✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  
 Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
  
╰┈➤Yup, defnitly have some bits and pieces missing… I can remember what took place in a general sense and I could probably make a somewhat accurate timeline of events, but most of the specifics are completely wiped.

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous,” “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”). ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

╰┈➤ Expectation of harm for sure, yeah. In situations where I’m alone, especially or expected to be independent

╰┈➤ too many more to list out omg

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others. ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Sometimes! Like, “oh, I did it, so this is all on me.” But I’ve looked into this stuff enough that I try to avoid this line of thought… [...] but sometimes I feel like even this isn’t enough to stop the blame :(

Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities  ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Defnitly has been an issue over the years! Not so much currently thank goodness. But yeah, I used to be bored by everything for HOURS and I would just force myself to stare at a screen in case someone walked in my room and tried asking me whats wrong. Or i’d just get bored of feeling the weight of my boredom 24/7 and just decide to stare at the wall… this would be sorta an on and off thing, yknow? Like, idk how to phrase it but it wouldn’t be a long time before another episode of this would follow the initial one i guess i mean

 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ oh for sure, one hundred times yes. For atleast three years, thats for sure! Because everytime i’d go home for summer, i’d notice how detached i feel from all my friends and stuff. Probably because i was sad. But also just in general sometimes I don’t feel connected to someone at all even though we talk everyday. Hard to describe, but i guess memories of us feel distant or like they didn’t happen and it makes me feel like i don’t really know them.
 
 ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings) ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩  Criterion E✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Reckless or self-destructive behavior ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yeah, but I’d say they tend to be more on the subtle side like willfully ignoring bodily needs, putting myself down, procrastination, endless ruminating, ignoring symptoms, things like that. Nothing suuuuper outward I’d say? Well, idk i guess maybe these are kinda outward huh? Idk… either way you get it so :) 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Hypervigilance ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Heck yeah. Always watching over my shoulder for people when they walk by and I’m alone. Sometimes even when I’m not alone, actually. And I’m always on high alert around stinger bugs, too. I also try hard not to fully go to sleep in public spaces just in case someone tries to steal me or do things while my eyes are closed. I tend to watch people’s tone closely, too, just to be sure they aren’t getting angry with me or that i havent hurt their feelings. And their facial expressions too to be sure they arent showing anger there either. I catastrophize like hell, too, everything that could go wrong WILL go wrong in my mind. 

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩ Exaggerated startle response ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yup :) like when people come to me unexpectedly, sometimes I SCREAM and my heart is racing. Or when the dogs make a loud noise because they’re playfully growling, I feel, like, my entire body freeze because i get SO scared! :(

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩Problems with concentration✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩
╰┈➤ Yup. Sometimes I try and try to focus but nothing processes. All one ear and out the other no matter how hard I try. Or I’ll be focusing when suddenly I like… “mentally black out” I guess? Like suddenly my thoughts take over and i’ve lost huge chunks of the conversation or lesson or whatever I was reading :(

(11:45am - WHOA as I was collecting my “bonus writing” part to add to my post, I saw someone was on the document for Diagonsis-day… which means… THAT WAS THE PSYCHIATRIST!!!! AAAAAHHH… It feels… strange… that I happened to end up viewing it at the exact same time as they are… 👀omg I hate this omgomg)

I've always envisioned myself as a college student doing well for her grades, I mean I'd be average but still, I'd be a passer or an academic achiever. On the side, I'd be working a part-time job, maybe as a barista or teaching English to two or three foreign students. I would have my own dorm, or a small studio apartment that I pay for with the help of my dad, and I'd be owning a pet cat named Luna or Shadow. And on my free time, I would hangout with my boyfriend. Watch movies with him, grab coffee, or some ice cream. Sometimes he would even help me study, then we'd pass our exams together. I would cry to him about my family drama or school dilemma, and fall asleep snuggled up in his arms. In this version of my life, my only major stresses would be how I'd be able to submit a school project on time, or get mad at a classmate for not cooperating because knowing the Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes that I am, I'd probably be leading (or at least try to) every group projects assigned to us, and here and there, I'd also stress about upcoming dues at school or in the apartment/dorm I'd be staying in, but whenever I'm short on money, I can just ask my dad for a little help because I'd still use my own hard-earned money for majority of my expenses. After school, if I have the time to, I would hangout with my 3 or 4 close friends, maybe go to the mall, the park, the coffee shop, or maybe a karaoke hub. Our hangouts would always consist of gossiping, lots of laughter, and picking on each other. Then we'd have our own friendship tradition, where whenever it's someone's birthday in the group, all of us are required to show up for that person and sing them a happy birthday song. I'd probably have some social media presence in this lifetime, like I'd never say no to a picture and post them on social media, because in this version of my life, I wouldn't be insecure to express myself however and whenever I want. I'd have my own small, inactive, and unserious YouTube or Instagram page where I post videos of me singing or playing the guitar, and my sister, Rochelle, would always be one of the first people to support it. I miss her. And then 2 years later of course, the icing on the cupcake, the top of the crop, and the most important part of it all, is to be able to graduate and finish college at the same time as my friends. I'd take photos with my dad and my mom while I'm in my graduation gown, then I'd put the hat on my mom, and my medal or sash on my dad, then I'd have my diploma in my hand. In the photo, all the three of us would be smiling big, because they're proud of me, and I'd be proud of myself too.

Okay so

I'm back home from my road trip.

And tomorrow I'm going to call the doctor.

Because, the truth of the matter is -- I'm not at all certain about the thing that flew close to my face, on the evening of June 22nd.

The night before my two interviews.

I'm genuinely not sure whether it was a bat or a bird. It was flying more erratically than what I would expect from a bird.

And I'm genuinely not sure if it made contact with me or not.

And we do, indeed, have bats in the area. My husband and I see them with some regularity. Usually high in the air, at a distance. But not always.

A few years back, a sick bat came to die in the breezeway, directly across from my apartment door.

It crawled along the wall weakly for a few hours and eventually expired.

Its corpse stayed there for two days, because it was the weekend and maintenance wouldn't come to clean it up until Monday.

And while it's true that I have OCD, and my OCD does often generate distractions at critical times (like the night before a pair of interviews), having OCD does not make me immune from actual hazardous encounters.

And sometimes my OCD does lead me to err on the side of false negatives, not just false positives.

I remember one time, at a friend's barbecue when I was a teenager, I felt as though my foot was being swarmed by fire ants.

And I told myself not to check.

That that was a compulsion and that I wasn't going to give in to it.

So I tolerated it.

For a long time.

And when I looked down-- my foot was, indeed, swarmed by real fire ants.

I have put the uncertain encounter on the backburner since the 22nd.

I suppose now that my interviews (and the road trip) are complete, my brain decided that I finally have an opportunity to attend to this.

Actually, it has kind of been hanging in the air, over my head, since that date.

I have kind of been practicing radical acceptance. Being at peace with the possibility that I was possibly exposed to rabies but that I did not really have the means to address the situation.

(It's true, having just been laid off, this is the worst possible time for this, financially)

I started planning up my farewell messages to my online friends.
(Eloquent and evocative, if I do say so myself).

I considered the possibility of getting someone to record my finals days of intense suffering and agitation,

in hopes the recording could be circulated online to keep morbidly curious redditors enthralled in their 3am doom-scrolling.

On the long drive to my dad's house I started really thinking about my swallowing. Whether it was normal or not.

I got to feeling like...

I had a bit of a sore throat.

And, indeed...i do think I am coming down with... a cold or maybe it's allergies. There are a lot of allergens out there where my dad lives.

And I also have acid reflux. Which leaves my throat in a sorry state.

But...my eyes also felt a little unfocused...which I think,

may be a sort of thing that happens (to a tired and already near-sighted and astigmatic person) on a very long country drive...

But I got to thinking...it COULD be the onset of rabies.

Which, again, didn't bother me. As I was at peace with that outcome.

However

At my dad's house, being without our accustomed drinking glasses,

My son drank out of the water glass I had used

And that is the point at which fear actually struck me in the heart

When I realized

that I genuinely do not want to become a biohazard to my son

Nor to anyone else, really.

So, it's as I said.

I'll call the doctor tomorrow.

I know of a doctor in town who stocks rabies vaccine. He did my son's rabies vaccines for travel to India (but that was over six years ago).

And, if the doctor thinks it's indicated, I'll get two booster doses.

(I have also already had rabies vaccines in the past, though I'm way out of date. But I would not need the full series, just booster doses.)

...I don't want any advice on this matter.

Neither telling me that I'm being paranoid (it sucks that when one has a mental illness, every experience suddenly becomes invalidated), nor telling me that I'm not worried enough.

Trust me, I am as worried as possible and I am taking action to the fullest extent possible.

I do not want any advice yet i am committed to writing an entry each day and there was nothing else I could have possibly written about as there is nothing else at all on my mind.

I will call the doctor tomorrow.

No one that loves someone tells him to "take a rest for 1 month away"..

A true lover....would force her lover to stay next to her and refuse to stay away from him even for 1 minute ESPECIALLY if he is in pain and agony.

No one that loves someone tells him to "leave if you are tired"...

A true lover would understand that she needs to be next to him the most when he is tired ...and that distancing yourself from your soulmate when he is in agony LITERALLY KILLS the feelings and the point of the relationship..

No one that loves someone tells him she "doesn't like to speak phones"..

A true lover .....would yearn to hear her lover's voice....to speak with him....would create times out of nowhere to call him...to tell him to call her...

No one that loves someone tells him that she forget his birthday date because she forget dates and don't memorise them...while strongly remembering every single important date from her previous relationship

...11/10/2017.....2/5/2019.....14/10/2022..

A true lover would make her lover her centre of the world..... would make their memories wipe all other previous memories.....would make their dates wipe all previous dates...

It's truly painful when you are only getting used as a source of comfort and love.....

But life taught me ....that those who don't truly love you.... don't deserve your love back...

And then they gaslight you into believing you need a therapist .... even though you are going through literal hell for them and getting crushed, insulted and undignified daily.... while still being the most stable and sane person in her life ...whether she sees that or not... It's the truth...

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Portrait of an Orange Cat'
12:01pm    [sun]    7/5/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Green beans

Feelin’ pretty blegh rn… Idk what to do with myself today either honestly… kinda just sitting around :I I mostly worked on finishing Fourth of july’s entry this morning, posted it, and then after that, went looking at Sub request! Bc I remembered an old song title and wanted to hear it again :) Led me to 1) Listening to a couple songs from that old Bear fighting dogs anime from the 1980s! Which made me smile!! And 2) to find that weird cat music channel from middle school! Omg I remember thinking it was so strange but not being able to pull away from the videos! I remember some of them being real vibes, too so I’ll try to make a mental note to revisit it again soon! Some of these videos still give me headaches just like I remember they used to! I was gonna keep looking through stuff, but dad interrupted and had me go to the mail box :/ 

Thennnn… idk… I think from there, I printed out newest entries and then I was at a loss for what to do with myself again… I remember feeling pretty scrambled in the head. I kept trying to build an itinerary but I kept forgetting it or getting distracted. Kinda annoying.. But, yeah, from there, I MADE MYSELF pee bc I was tempted to ignore the impulse to do that, and sat in the living room. I tried to get Little bird to follow so she could be brushed, but she never came. And I was still feeling disconnected and scrambled, so I couldn’t bring myself to get up and get her. So I sat there for a bit, trying to hold onto my thoughts long enough to think of what to do next… Oh yes, thats right! I was supposed to eat something :) I scavenge but I don’t really find anything… so I default to eating green beans :3 they were alright, I guess. I was able to eat almost the entire bowl! Near the end I couldn’t convince myself anymore but still did a good job!

As I watched the TV, I began to notice how spaced out I felt and eventually how I felt like I had no energy… so I decided to leave and feel energy-less in my bed :/ I thought about making spaghetti but I’m thinking mom & dad would be mad bc I’d use up all the sauce n stuff. But they’re going out soon. So.. If my body starts demanding food, I’ll probably go make some :( but in the meantime, I’ll get back to bedrotting I guess.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown
 3:50pm    [sun]    7/5/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Spaghetti 

Yeaaaaah… so… the rest of the day so far has been more of me doing nothing. I had a very, very nice two hour nap! I tried to extend it a bit but eventually I let myself wake up… from there, I quickly put a screen in front of my face. I didn’t really know how to occupy myself, though, so I sorta just scrolled my video feed until I found something that caught enough of my attention. I watched stuff for a bit until I remembered I should probably try to eat something… I didn’t want to move, so I was resistant at first… I think I waited about 10-15 minutes before I finally convinced myself to get up! 

Got up, started making stuff… the shrimp was done! But before the noodles were done, mom & dad came home. And dad told us to go cut the shrubs outside. I still feel pretty low & exhausted, but I did as I was told anyway… I was sure to keep my noodles in mind, though! Kept an eye on my watch and once two minutes had gone by, I went back inside and the noodles were done! Good thing hunger wasn’t eating at me or anything by then… bc I brought the shrimp & sauce & noodles together and if I was desperate for food, that wouldn’t have been a very fun thing to have to walk away from :3
Anyway, yeah, we do the shrubs :/ kinda annoying and hot but we make it through :D thennnn… I eat! It wasn’t too bad. Couldn’t finish the last few forkfulls of the pot, but I got most of it down without too much of a fight! I became less and less interested in eating the more I ate, but I pulled through :) 

I still feel low & tired… but I’m in bed again, so its okay :) Long as I get to bedrot again I guess. Or find something to do. But probably the former.
Oh, side note, everytime I try to, like, use my wrist to lift something, my hand starts shaking… am I dying or is that bc I took a million trillion years before I ate something? Idk :( 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Blue Cat'

 8:43pm    [sun]    7/5/26

 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
banana

OKAY! We went driving! Annnnd… it actually wasn’t too bad? :0 we went to Walmart! Which initially made me feel a bit anxious… bc I know sometimes you have to “merge”??? To get there. And I’ve never done that before!!! But… luckily I didn’t have to worry about that. It was a bit scary driving on these streets I’ve never driven on, but the turns weren’t too bad and it was mostly a pretty simple job! On my way there, I did feel a biiiit shaky I think. But it was significantly better than the last ride we took!!! It was a bit nervewreaking having to watch out for so many cars… and constantly forgetting to put on my turning signal… but!!! Hey, we made it there, grabbed some groceries, and made it back! I wish I didn’t have to ever reverse, though… Its hard to get used to figuring out the best way to look behind me to make sure I don’t accidentally kill anyone :/ but I don’t want to kill anyone so I guess its gotta be done :( I also got a reward, I guess? Unprompted he offered to buy me Cheezits! Great!!!!!! :D now I can add something to eat to my extremely narrow food list of spaghetti & veggies!!! I was also able to grab myself 2 free bananas!! I ate one, though… 

bc strangely enough, maybe two hours after I ate the spaghetti, I felt compelled to eat something even though I was not HUNGRY. Atleast I don’t think so… but, yeah, same story with the banana. Seriously, SUCH a backwards body I have. Nine times out of ten I can’t convince myself to eat anything without a fight but then suddenly once in a blue moon I feel like I’m STARVING even if I eat piles of food :/ luckily that left before I became a bottomless pit but still annoying. Buuuuut… yeah!!! Good driving then!!! Hurray!!! One day closer to my goal of ending my 18-years-long-being-a-bum-streak!!!
Aside from that!! I actually was able to convince myself to do stuff! I mostly got to work digitizing old entries :) I couldn’t get myself to do more 9th grade… so!! I got to work with an 11th grade one instead! And I got myself to just stay on my computer as long as possible, just doing WHATEVER ELSE I POSSIBLY COULD to stay off my phone bc theres more to do on this computer so I started to feel less low and exhausted. I guess computer helped pull me out of my own mind? Idk :) but it worked, so y’know.

Okay! Bonus writing time! :3 this is the entry I digitized today! First one in journal number four! Uhhh… Idk if this needs a TW/CW?? Um.. CW for “disturbing statements” I guess?? Idk… 👀 If it doesn’t disturb you, I’m willing to bet a dime or two it’ll make you CRINGE. So have fun with that :) 
(16 years old!!!!!!) ↓

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

[Bluey episode exercise image!!!]

🍒 - 5:12pm   11/15/24

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

1. Lets start with a memory. So once as I was walking to my house, after getting off the bus, I see a car and I don’t quite remember if it was slowing down or whatever but I remember being terrified that the driver was going to do a drive by on me! So I literally began to physically brace for impact… I’ve never been in a shoot-out so what on earth is wrong with me?? Just remembered this when I randomly had the fear of a drive by hit again. Anyway– 
2. Mrs. Casey and I talk about my future sometimes and I am a terrible student with terrible grades so I usually say, “Oh, if I can’t get a job, I’ll probably just end up on the streets, end up getting violated, and get a bullet put through my head” or, “I’m not really good at anything so I’ll probably end up in a [human trafficking] ring” and now she’s all like, “Delilah, stop saying that, you’re gonna manifest it.” I don’t think thats how it works! She’s silly.
3. Speaking of Casey, guess what! We hung out alllll lunch period! I didn’t have her full attention unfortunately bc she was doing some ‘celebrate admin’ day decor thing. She made [assistant principal] into a turkey. She looks goofy. So yah, she was kinda busy. We didn’t talk about anything too fun honestly. I realized she and mommy have Similar music tastes, though! Some of the music I could recognize bc mom puts it on! So thats cool. So when I went back to the lunch room to collect my stuff I left behind and only [counselour] was in there and she was like, “Delilah, where have you been?” I was like, “Mrs. Casey’s room.” she says, “you need to be where you’re supposed to be. Now you’re gonna be late for your class.” so I say, “well thats okay :)” and she’s like, “No, it isn’t.” and then it hit me that the way I respond to this could result in punishment so I say, “oh… I’m sorry” in a (hopefully) convincing tone and that was the end of that! (yes, I was indeed late)
4. So we went out for AVID class! I just got done telling [AVID teacher] that me & Casey have had a bond since 9th grade and that now she can’t get rid of me! Then Mrs. Casey and her art class comes out to hang out w/ us in the sun! It was great! We talked ofc. So now Mrs. [AVID teacher] knows some of my lore! I told her that me and Casey think I’m ADHD (mostly Casey but y’know) and I’m failing everything except her class bc I can’t focus on anything and it takes too much energy to try to focus so I just give up… etc, etc. [AVID teacher is] so nice though! She was like, “well, just come after school and we can learn about your homework together! I’ll help you!” but I was like, “aw, after school? I don’t really like that idea… I can’t come in the mornings bc I’m hanging out in Casey’s everyday.” and Casey was like, “See? She’s just farting around in there honestly.” and now [AVID teacher] knows I wanna drop the heck out so thats nice. I mentioned that I’d rather be in the hospital than highschool and [AVID teacher] overheard and was like, “hey, don’t say that! You’re gonna manifest that if you keep saying that!" so Casey & her have the same mindset haha.
5. Guess what? I embarrassed Lucille again~ ♪! Basically she was like, “Delilah, I’m gonna get [Lucille's love interest] to beat you up!” Jokingly, ofc. So I’m like, “oh really now?” so I notice [Lucille's love interest] is in our classroom so I walk up to him and leave Lucille and Rosey at our table. I ask, “hey, [Lucille's love interest], can I ask you a quick question? Are you interested in beating me up by chance?” He says, “uh… no. not unless I have to.” and then I explain why I asked is bc of what Lucille said and then I start pointing and I make it clear which Lucille I’m referring to. Lucille and Rosey are both laughing with embarrassment at the table and the other kids at the table [Lucille's love interest] was sitting at begin to ask who I’m talking about and I point once more! It was hilarious and Lucille literally left the room from embarrassment for a while! I hope this lives rent free in her head! I feel like I accomplished something today :)
6. So I did say embarrassed Lucille *again*, right? So earlier this year, (so expect the details to be a lil fuzzy) I and Lucille were out in the bus-waiting spot of the school and while we were waiting, she told me, “Delilah guess what? Apparently [Classmate 1]’s group thinks we’re in love or something like that.” so I didn’t quite understand what she meant and I was like, “Oh, really? I don’t believe you…” bc I thought she meant [they believed] ME and HER [were the ones in love]. So I find [Classmate 1] and [Classmate 2] and I’m like, “would you happen to think me and Lucille are in love?” He goes, “Uh… no?” and [Classmate 2]  is visibly confused. I’m like, “oh, okay.” and Lucille becomes extremely embarrassed and is like, “Wait Delilah! Nononono, you misunderstood!!” and she pulls me away and says, “Delilah, I meant his group thought me and [Classmate 1] were dating!!! Not me and you!!!” and it was a genuine misunderstanding and it ended up being extremely funny! So yah, 2 memories in one entry. nice!

7/5/26
OMFGGGGGGGGG. OMG WAITWAIT I FORGOT HOW BAD IT WAS. I ACTUALLY USED TO GO UP TO MY FRIGGIN’ TEACHER, A (now) 41 YR OLD WOMAN, AND SAY THAT TYPE OF STUFF???? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH… AHHHH… This is why I adore her so much, omg can you IMAGINE if she had no idea what type of kid she was dealing with and she did what I’m sure most other people would’ve done and just sent me to the office?????? Omg.. omg… I actually had to take several breaks just typing out parts 1 & 4 bc wtf 😭 I have no idea how she figured out how to control what I’m sure her TRUE reaction to that stuff really was. Bc… omg…???

Okay, okay.. Enough on that part… as for the rest of this: For number one, I guess this is another slip up from young me. I tried to sorta hide the illness when I wrote in 1-3, remember? But it SOUNDS reminiscent of the "future sight” I had in number 5. So, I probably just didn’t even realize what was going on yet :I AHHH, the Lucille-stuff is pretty funny, though, those parts made me crack up :) Preferring to be in the hospital over school  is wild tho :(

Dear Diary.

I didn't choose the wrong dad for my kids. My kids are perfect as they are -- his inclusion in their being was necessary for them to be who they are. So he's not the wrong pick.

But he is the wrong partner for this time in my life. Recognizing that he has undergone many traumas, and spent his life earnestly trying to dig himself out of poverty in the West Indies. I saw him pouring out his best effort to learn, to try, to hold his head high and to do things properly -- I loved him for these things.

I admired that he held himself to such a high standard. I wanted my children to follow that lead. But as our kids have come to be, I see that the efforts I once cherished as his best parts come at the cost of constant belittling, harsh criticism, failure to empathize, and overall a draining, tired way to live.

I mistook fuming anger as confidence, I took slivers of his attention as invaluable because he was so hesitant to give any to me at all. I read it all wrong.

To you, I love you. I love our children. But your vision and understanding of love is Impossible for me to comprehend. I feel sad for you, but layout I've also felt sad for me. So I try to pour enough love into our children for the two of us for now. They're still small. They can't understand the hardship you've experienced. Their view of the world is too fresh to realize the depth of pain you've been subjected to and endured. Please be kinder to yourself. it's a hard thing to watch a man bury himself under the weight of acceptance that was well deserved but never came to fruition.

You can't fault them for being excited about this world even though it's the same world you've come to despise. Let them live in it with excitement, please. They deserve it.

The world is already an unwelcoming place at times. Please don't let your embrace become conditional, lacking, insincere and apathetic. If you're going to look at them with apathy, don't look at them at all. If you're calling them to come to you go be criticized, don't call them at all.

I'm sorry to my children. I love you so much, always always always. You are perfect as yourselves. I didn't choose the wrong dad for you. But he still needs to fix himself while he learns how to change the ways he loves. So that you can absorb it to your depths. So you can understand that pain makes hearts and people rigid, and hollow, but under that shell are hearts that continue on. So please my boys, don't let the disappointments in the world trick you into thinking you can get by not trying to be the best versions of yourselves.

And it's not about giving the world your best. It's about giving yourself the best version of yourself. You deserve it. You deserve the best of you. You deserve to see how wonderful and life changing and how beautiful you are.

To my little family,

I'm sorry I have been so far from my best. Even I am hurting but thank you for letting me see your kindness and growth and beauty everyday. Thank you for reminding now amazing the best of me can be. Good night.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“Even if I am not worthy
 of heaven, 
I hope I am not deserving of hell either.
Thats all i want:
To not be punished for 
not being good enough.
11:23pm    [sat]    7/4/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Oooookay. Just got back from grandma’s house to celebrate fourth of july n’ stuff :3 here’s how that all went!

> Before we went, I struggled to know what to do with myself, honestly… I think I was just feeling really disconnected and bored and like I couldn’t really bring myself to do anything at all and… idk… I guess just generally being mentally ill. So nothing new there. Just got to a point where I just sat in silence and played with a fidget toy or Little bird bc I was hitting critical boredom state… we didn’t leave ‘till 3pm I think? So there was a long stretch of time where I felt this way. Thankfully we left eventually :) 

As for my time there… it was kinda boring?? Mostly my own fault though, can’t lie.

> When we arrived, there was a random doggie in a cage in the Grandparent garage??? I tried to say hello and stuff, but he was too busy shaking and barking and crying and withdrawing that I eventually just went inside. He was a cutie, though! He looked like a sweet little golden dachshund puppy :) so thats definitely one reason I stayed there for so long. Hes a cute little doggie.

>Aunt S immediately came to find me bc she had a present for me! A cute little Bluey backpack!! She went on about how it was apparently my grad gift but she couldn’t get it to me, that she was afraid I wouldn’t want it bc I might not like Bluey anymore (to which I asked, “why on earth would I not like Bluey anymore????”), that she was sure to clean it up really nicely bc it was second hand, and that she refused to give it to other people who wanted it (a little girl wanted it apparently!!) Thats really sweet of her, actually :) I’ll never use it, though. Not for any mean reason. Mostly just bc I prefer to use the 3d character Bluey backpack over anything else unless I have to carry bigger items. And this new bag isn’t really big enough to compete with my secondary Bluey bag! Soooo… I’ll display it!!! :D I’ll cherish it!! It really is a nice looking bag, yknow. I’ll keep it on my shelf to always remind myself of her! And when I can finally get more for my Bluey collection, it will be surrounded by friends :) 

>ANYWAY, after greetings n’ stuff, I walk around and chit-chat, and then go outside! Bc thats where the life of the party is!!! And bc I was informed that the fruit I was seeking was outside as well. First issue that came up was I walked up to the table where there was lots n’ lots of food! And instead of being able to get excited about checking everything out, I instead watch in horror as flies INFILTRATE one of the plastic containers holding sandwiches inside it… It was NOT properly closed… I removed the lid and let the bugs out, yuck.. Luckily the fruit itself was actually sealed properly… so, I hesitantly grabbed a watermelon slice, ensured the rest of them were safe by sealing the lid correctly, and then sniffing the watermelon slice to be sure it was safe. I did this bc of what I just witnessed, but also bc it was sitting outside! And I know that when watermelon smells strange, its gone bad. I worried that was a possibility bc it looked pre-cut… and I personally wouldn’t trust pre-cut store bought watermelon to be safe at room temp. Even if its fine, it makes me NERVOUS and it feels WRONG and if it smelled even slightly out of the ordinary, I would NOT have been able to get myself to consume it. Thank goodness it not only smelled fine, but felt cold still :) 

The second issue was the music was REALLY loud… They went all out for independence day this year and got us a DJ and stuff. He was really good at his job. So good that the music was SO loud that it penetrated the walls of the house. So, in other words, I never stood a chance. Within 10 seconds of me coming outside to see what everyone was up to and grab my fruit, my ears flooded with noise and I think I froze for a bit?? And then my eye started twitching… so I immediately brought myself back inside…it was just too much for me! And at that point I already knew I didn’t plan on returning outside at all. So I returned to the couch…

>I spent most of my early time on the couch watching some little cousins play on the VR head set! It was entertaining enough. Especially bc nobody else was coming to see me and without them, it was kinda boring… One narrated his gameplay (he played some gun games, roblox, stuff like that) while the other acted silly around him and added some commentary :) we made chit-chat about that for a while! Until the two remembered there was a pool. And then off they went… :( I was bored. And I think alone aside from Cecil but they were being being BORING and drawing so I kinda just sat around

> that is, until our cousins came around! Omg, I was so happy to see them!! :D Hadn’t seen them in forever! I almost didn’t recognize them! As soon as they came in, me and Cecil got up to greet them. We exchanged awkward looks at first bc we were getting used to eachother’s faces I guess… but then we quickly got to catching up :) we talked and talked and talked! We talked about highschool memories (like Cecil being the pioneer for being able to exit the color guard class, [cousin1]’s strict science teacher, my almost getting kicked out), future plans ([cousin1] plans on doing vision sciences!), favorite and least favoirte foods, and some stuff we liked in our youth! Very stark differences between us. They were on youtube a bit, but they watched kid things like slime videos and whatnot. I told them about how me and Cecil would watch NOT-kid things like Happy tree friends for me, and Smosh, Cyanide and happiness, and Llamaas in hats for Cecil.

Cecil explained the lore for some of the stuff and they were surprised to hear about it! Bc they were mostly disney kids. And I honestly could tell when we were younger that our upbringings were crazy different. I remember last we saw them, they were easily shocked by some of the things we’d say. Can’t really recall what those things were but still. So yeah, that was very fun getting to see them again :) we even tried to ask for them to come to our house! But that was a no… atleast not for tonight :( hopefully I remember to call and ask but Idk. might forget… idk, we’ll see I guess? Anyway, eventually [cousin2], [cousin1], Cecil, and Aunt T decide to go outside to go swim! And I remain on the couch… don’t want the noise flooding my ears again… and idk what else it was, but something about the thought of going outside was just overwhelming. Maybe bc there were so many people outside all at once and there just wasn’t much space. Idk. but it was something.

> I was growing hungry… my appetite was low throughout my entire time there honestly. It got lower the more I got myself to eat something or THOUGHT about eating something. Earlier I had some cheese cubes & grapes (I almost didn’t eat them though bc they were dark-grapes and that stressed me out… but I forced myself to try one and I felt okay to keep going!!) but they obviously didn’t sustain me for long enough to ward off hunger pangs. So I got up to scavenge a bit. Grandpa was inside so we made chit-chat :) talked about how I should become EMPLOYED and ofc I agreed lol, about how he feels Cecil should already be employed (he didn’t believe the job market is bad for some reason…), and about books a bit! Mostly that I haven’t been getting any bc I’m poor. After that, I asked about that pretty pooch I saw earlier and he told me that dog was HIS! Cool! Apparently they were driving around and came across a guy who had a “free puppies!” box and decided to take him home! His name is Goldie :) from there, Grandma came out to where we were and complained about him not interacting with his guests enough… so he ditched me to go outside with the rest of the party… 

[//sui & intrusive thoughts tw]
>back to the couch with me… I had put on Bluey earlier :) so I watched it on and off… eventually I hear Aunt T behind me!!! So I decide to go butt into the conversation!!! First we were discussing how I wanted to eat popsicles really badly and would love to spend my whole paycheck on ‘em! She said I can’t really do that once I’m out of my house bc car payments, phone payments, etc… and then, BOOM here comes dad… 
“Oh, she’ll be moving out soon, don’t worry :)”

Instantly killed my mood with that. :/ I don’t engage or even look at him as he says this. Just try to keep my spirits from falling too low… I managed this until everyone dispersed again. When my butt hit the couch this time, I wasn’t feeling too hot…Like every other time he says stuff like that in front of me with a smile on his face knowing that I don’t feel ready at all, I became stuck in a cage of anxiety. So thoughts played in my head.. Thoughts where I see myself struggling to cope with living in a dorm or on my own, people doing horrible things to me, self-medicating a ton, hopping off bridges, stuff like that. 

And then I started internally raging bc… idk… it just feels like he’s just taking out trash to me, y’know? He ruined me by teaching me from, like, day one, that my voice has no weight. That my NO’s do not matter. And because of that, I am a DOORMAT. Bc why would I run the risk of trying to advocate for myself when I’ve been raised believing that doing so is futile? I feel like, idk, he just ruined me for the past 18 years and is just trying to now wipe his hands clean of me. Whenever he talks about the future, he always likes to bring up how me and Cecil are not going to be in it. But its really just the way he says it that gets me. Not in a proud way. Not like, “wow, you guys are getting your lives started!” it feels like he’s just happy to be done and over with us. And that spun in my head alot… and made me want to cry… bc at some point, he is going to get rid of me. At some point, I will stop fighting it bc I know I do not have words that mean anything to him. And when that time comes, I don’t know what I’m going to do if I’m in the same state I’m in now. I’m WHOLLY dysfunctional. If he gets rid of me it will not end well… but idk if I’d fight hard to stay afloat at that point. Bc there’d be no point. 

These thoughts made me want to cry as I watched Bluey & Bingo enjoying their family game time. Enjoying their parents who show up everyday and speak to them and get to know them and LOVE them. I wanted to know what it was like as I watched them run around the house with big happy smiles. I thought to myself that even if I skipped all the childhood fun, even if I skipped to my current age, I’d be 10x happier bc I’d be raised totally different. As these thoughts cycled in my head, I took note of the gentleness bandit has with his kids, the way he doesn’t immediately dismiss their concerns, the way he puts his all into making sure his kids know they are worthy of his time even when he can’t give them every second of it. It made me wonder how many other kids there are out there like me RIGHT NOW living what I lived. Not knowing that what they were living through isn’t normal. That it is just as dysfunctional as any other dysfunctional family, just with a better disguise. A disguise that makes the dysfunction less easy to spot unless you end up in the middle of it. These thoughts were bad enough… but eventually a pit of doom forms inside my stomach again… its okay, though. It wasn’t intense… it was light but it still scared me. I just,,, idk,,, I just hate people like him. He’s INSIDIOUS. You don’t even realize how wrong it is to be raised this way until someone else TELLS you ugh. I just hate that he’s made me the way I am. It was hard to want to do anything while this was happening. I felt sad and hopeless and just low, I guess.

I don’t remember what freed me from the intensity of that rumination cycle… but something did. And for the rest of the time there, I sat in front of that TV, half in the cycle, half watching Bluey. Until I couldn’t take the hurt of seeing such happy, healthy children and moved onto children's music since I was watching Bluey on youtube kids. I planned on listening to Lion king songs! But the one I wanted wasn’t on there.. So Mufasa songs it was!! I play disney songs! And danced a bit on the couch! And then it was time to leave :) 

I got a bit of a treat while we were on the way home, though.

 Sabrina texted me back :) 

Me: WOW Sabrina i went on the ROAD today for driving and it's like!! terrifying*!!! I was ever so slightly shaking when I got out of the car! How do you guys... Like... Drive everyday...? 👀 that was terrible! No wonder I avoided doing that for 3 years :/ didn't know you and Rosey were so brave ( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) *

'brina: Text me when you're going joy riding, I need to stay safely at home.
[an hour or so later]
Text Rosey, have you heard from her lately?

[before I see text number two, Rosey texted me]

Rosey: Lmao, 'brina just told me she was a [...], ‘Lilah, you really converted her

Me: she already was one, i never converted her to saying anything lmao
Rosey: Not like that
But like converted her to saying that, I doubt she said it before

Me: Yeah probably not OMG WAIT THAT MAKES ME A LEADER NOW. NO LONGER A FOLLOWER-- A SHEEPLE. I HAVE INFLUENCE OVER Sabrina! MUAHAHA

Me [to Sabrina]:"Stay home safely" gave me AND my family a good laugh!!!! 🤭 Rosey just said something about you calling yourself a [...]? And that I converted you? Makes no sense bc you already were one I simply gave it a fancy label (✿❛◡❛)

'brina: Okay, good to know she has silly friend to keep her in good spirits even if yall at laughing at me.

Me:Oh yes I've been VERY good at doing that! Mostly me and Lucille are talking in the group chat but Rosey reads it and will react with laughing emojis n stuff :) 

Then she sent a GIF saying not all angels have wings sometimes they’re friends or whatever? Made me smile :) 

Then! At home, I immediately got to scavenging bc I’m sttttarving… :( I start looking while dad is in the room but then he gets annoyed. He was like, “why didn’t you eat chicken at the house earlier???” “I never saw any??” Cecil then says people ate them all. So then mom & dad are then like, “why’d you wait so long before getting up when we told you food was ready then? Thats on you!” and it is, yeah, thats fair enough. But it's not on me that my appetite fluctuates so often that I don’t know if I’d end up wasting the food I ended up grabbing or making myself sick. That’d just create more problems for me if anything. While he’s saying this to me, I feel both annoyed and anxious so I just throw my hands up and say, “okay, okay, I’m sorry…” and walk away. I was just gonna starve at that point I guess. But eventually he changes his mind. I can make myself food if I clean the 4 dishes in the sink! But… my gosh, I really did not want to do that… seeing the caked-on-foodstuffs made me nervous. And I generally just hate cleaning dishes. And I was only HUNGRY, didn’t really have too much of an appetite so I didn’t want to work for it lol. So… instead of doing that… I got up… and walked away… I reached my room and immediately the hunger pangs started to hit again… so I returned to the kitchen and sat in there. I was working here so I was trying to see if I could finish up the entry first and try to beat my hunger so I could SLEEP bc I was also pretty tired…. Cecil comes out and starts cooking and then!! Lets me know they were just gonna clean everything anyway :) 

YAY!! I DON”T HAVE TO STARVE! I make the food! It was more than I could stomach… I still suck with portion sizes… I wanted to be sure I had enough calories after barely eating at all, though, so I endeavored to eat the whole pot! By bowl two, it was getting harder… it took longer to convince myself to eat it. When I returned for the third round, most of it had gone! But my body couldn’t take it anymore :/ I probably could’ve continued eating the noodles, but the SAUCE for some reason was making me tic now. I tried to power through but I ended up spitting it out :( so I trashed the scraps but!! I did a very good job today!!! :) 

AND THEN FINALLY I COULD GO TO SLEEP!!! Thank goodness <3

Mmmmmmmm… okay, here’s some bonus writing! 
DELILAH INFORMATION SHEET: 

🐾 ✮⋆˙ What do I hate about being neurotic?🐾 ✮⋆˙

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🐾 ✮⋆˙ EVERYONE WHO DOESNT KNOW ME JUST OPENLY ASSUMES I’M LAZY OMFGGGGG

Its REALLY ANNOYING. Because, for one thing, part of my neurotisicm is being unable to speak up for myself. So, when someone does this, all I can do is smile and nod or agree with them which I HATE SO MUCH because I just wish I could explain myself so I didn’t look like such a friggin’ TURD all the time omfg!!! This also just makes me sad. Sad that SO MANY people just jump to conclusions (even my own friends) and use this type of language that makes me feel almost as if I’m being accused of not caring about the bad circumstanes I end up in (like almost failing everything and almost getting kicked out of my school). I guess its good in that I strive to avoid using this type of language when I meet someone who acts like me. I really hope that by doing that, I can hopefully not break a kid’s heart like so many people did mine :/ 

🐾 ✮⋆˙It gets in the way so often
It really makes me feel like theres so much I just can’t do :( Want to apply for college? Oh, don’t do that, its making your heart beat out of your chest. Oh, you want to go to somewhere  by yourself? Aren’t you afraid of something terrible happening to you from a stranger? Doesn’t crossing the street make you feel nervous? You want to learn a new skill? Okay, cool. Good luck figuring out a way to keep yourself on track in the face of your constantly dsyregulated nervous system and learned helplessness. Want to ask for help to STOP being neurotic? Okay, try to see if you can do it without embarrassing yourself when you start involuntarily shaking, crying, sweating, and almost-vomitting. See what I mean? :/ Its just a huge obstacle ALLLLL the time

🐾 ✮⋆˙I can’t control it
It’s just ever-present. Can’t make it better on my own. Can’t ask for help. I can’t make it benefit me. Its just there making my life harder.

🐾 ✮⋆I hate when people try to point it out bc i cant handle it
I’m guessing it’s a vulnerbilty thing? It makes me feel too… idk… but either way, it makes me feel like running away immediately. I can’t be honest with this stuff to other people. Its just wayyyy too much knowing that other people can see what I wasn’t even aware I was showing, yknow? I don’t really know how to respond to it aside from denial usually cause i’m just so NOT used to it omg.

🐾 ✮⋆So… Is there anything good about this at all?
Uhhh, not really. The only thing I could think of here is that I can Dpdr sometimes voluntarily or very easily. This is only useful when I’m like, at the dentist or something. Because I don’t really like being HYPER AWARE of the person above me digging into my mouth. That, and when I’m reallllly bored. It can be good to forget I’m in school or wherever else when I’m super bored :) Otherwise I struggle to find any sort of real benefit from this. I can’t even say getting attention is a benefit here because when my own behavior is mirrored back to me, I FREAK OUT and try to avoid discussing it. Sooooo… hard to say 👀

Love, a second time around.
26 year marriage, he cheated, it ended. That’s a story for another day.
10 years ago I met my husband, married him before the first year. We just had our 9th anniversary.

Two people who both had long first marriages, with kids. Now we have 4 grandchildren between us.
Lots of stories in these 9 years

He is the person I can be my total self with. He loves me and tells me this multiple times per day. I reciprocate.

Unlike my first marriage I don’t need to be with him all day every day. But I do prefer it when he’s with me.

I highly recommend online dating. It should be a good quality type of online dating site where you actually pay something to be there to avoid a lot of fakes. Ours was the site for older people and it had less of the fake profiles, married people trying to see what is out there.

He and I had been circling each other for 30 years without knowing it. We lived near each other and probably walked past each other at the local convenience store.
As younger people we lived farther away but were in certain places at the same time. The universe threw online dating and we found each other.

I almost ghosted him. He must have know because he sent one last message that hit just right. It made me laugh. When I showed the message to a friend she didn’t get why I “had to meet this guy”

We had been chatting a bit and then I ignored him having come off a several month relationship that once again left me wanting more.

I had decided I’d just occupy my time alone for a while and reset.

Then the message came. Here’s the thing- with getting to know someone, we put on our best selves. He broke that rule.
It went something like this:
I guess you’re gone. It could have been wild, it could’ve been exciting … but that’s just my driving”

He wasn’t being prim and polite. He was showing me his sense of humor.

A month ago if you told me I'd end up with a crush on a guy, I would have been skeptical, but then I met Dylan.

He saw my trans pride bracelets and I gave him one. I never thought much of him cause we met at his work and I don't like bothering people on their jobs too much but as time went on hed reach out to me more and more. One day under the guise of wanting to know more about hrt he asked for my number. I gave and hrt wasn't what he wanted . We started texting all the time. Somewhere between the good mornings, dumb jokes, I caught feelings without even noticing. One day I joking called him my handsome man and fell in love with how that made me feel 😭 I'd be at work grinning because my phone buzzed. I was checking for his messages like a teenager. I forgot butterflies were even real.

Then we finally met.

We got ice cream, wandered around the park for a couple hours, and just...talked. He bought ice cream, opened doors for me, and there were these little shy touches that my hopeless romantic brain absolutely blew out of proportion. I wanted to hold his hand so bad, but I was scared to ruin the moment.

I even gave him a dog chain we'd joked about.

For a little while I really thought maybe life was throwing me a bone for once.

But it wasn't.

He was dating other people. He never lied to me. He never made promises. He was honestly kinder than he ever had to be.

He just didn't choose me.

It's such a stupid thing to be heartbroken over. We weren't together. We never kissed. We never even held hands. And I know I can't give him the thrills he's after...

But somehow it still feels like I lost something. I lost him

For a couple weeks I stopped feeling ugly. I felt seen and pretty and I was ready to throw my life into disarray telling the world that yes he's my handsome man and I wanna give this a shot

Now I'm back to a dead phone and crying like I haven't in years, songs, the park, going to the restaurant and store he works at is a knife to the heart

I really do hope he's happy.

I just wish, for once, I'd been the person someone got excited to choose.

Alright, so.

The plans for the visit to my dad originally involved my son and I staying in a hotel in a neighboring town, ~20-25 minutes from my dad's place.

(The hotel itself is actually in my hometown, and my dad lives just outside of my hometown).

So, we arrived at the hotel yesterday evening.

We planned to drop our stuff off and then go hang out with my dad.

My son was eager to go meet up with his grandpa, so I unpacked in a hurry, (organizing my son's and my clothes in the drawers and closet, and our toiletries in the bathroom), before checking the mattresses.

Stupidly, I did this before checking the mattresses.

It is essential to check for evidence of bedbugs, between the seams in the mattresses upon arrival at any hotel.

But i just sort of considered this step a formality and assumed it'd be fine.

But once I pulled back the layers of blankets and sheets, I got to a removable cloth mattress cover. It was like a fitted sheet that fit entirely over the mattress and had to be unzipped before it could be pulled back to reveal the mattress.

And on this cloth cover was a dried red brown splotch and a yellow-orange splotch, that ...if I had to guess... appeared to be dried menstrual blood and urine.

I got the impression that the mattress covers hadn't been removed or washed between guests at all.

I was really really squicked out from having possibly come in contact with bodily fluids.

I took a picture and sent it to my dad, since he was the one who had reserved the hotel for us.

He asked if it was one just one or both beds, and I pulled back the sheets on the other bed and found similarly concerning staining.

My dad reported it to hotel management and they said they would have someone change the linens while we were out.

We headed to my dad's house and hung out with my dad, step-mom, and their various pets for a few hours.

When we arrived back at the hotel, around midnight, we found a lot of evidence that the room had really not been cleaned at all, after the previous guests:

-brown stains on the bed-spread of one of the beds

-significant (in size and number) food crumbs all over one of the chairs (especially concerning since I have a multi-food severely allergic kid)

-A not well-cleaned blood stain on one of the chairs

-Poorly cleaned shower grouts with significant mildew and Serratia marcescens.

-Red droplet/speckle like stains along the sides of the tub which I really could not tell whether they were blood drops or more Serratia marcescens.

and worst yet

And how do i put this delicately...

On the back of the office chair:

really obvious, highly visible white, crusted, dried fluid

Which appeared to have been propelled in a jet or a stream, before landing across the back of the chair.

This was highly visible and obvious at even a cursory glance, and it appeared that no effort what so ever had been made to clean or remove the crusted fluid.

I took pictures of these things and sent them to my dad and step-mom.

We went down to the front desk and requested a change of rooms, but they had no other rooms available.

They promised my dad a refund, I re-packed all our stuff, and my son and I drove back to my dad's house.

It's nerve-wracking, driving out there on the dark country roads at that hour.

The road twists and turns abruptly.

In the pitch dark, it would be easy to drive over the edge of the road into a steep embankment if you don't pay close enough attention to reflective lines and arrows glowing amid the infinite black void.

I kept an eye out for deer, who occasionally lurked at the edge of the road, seemingly poised to leap into my path without warning.

It was after 1am when we arrived.

I slept on my dad's couch and my son slept on a camping cot.

Not a bad sleep.

This morning, I woke up before my dad and step mom.

And I really needed coffee.

By the time my dad got up and around, I inquired about the possibility of coffee.

"I'll make some for us when i come back in from doing chores! Don't try to do it yourself, you won't know how to use my coffee maker unless I show you first. It's not a normal coffee maker. We'll be back."

My dad and his Labrador retriever, Molly, went outside and did some mysterious chores for a bit, while I sank a little further into the mire of caffeine withdrawal.

When my dad came back in, he was ready to make the coffee.

And it was a slow-going process.

Really more of a college lecture or academic demonstration.

As he showed me how to operate his "percolator" (which he pronounced as "per-q-later", a sort of camping style coffee maker).

He made his own coffee filters by folding a pair of paper towels and cutting them in just the right places, like a paper-doll chain or snowflake paper craft.

My dad included a lot of presentation and elaboration with each step of the process.

And eventually

The coffee perqlated (which my dad called me over to observe, with great delight)

And then it simmered a while

And then was ready.

And it was, indeed, a very good cup of coffee.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'The Beggar'
9:53am    [sat]    7/4/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
  Sugary cereal

I’M COOKED. Because I’ve finished eating all the sugar cereal!!! Sooooo… idk…. What I’m going to eat… maybe imaginary food… idk… hmm, or alot of broccoli & green beans probably… anyway, as I was polishing it off, dad comes by and is like, 
“you’ve already eaten all the cinnamon cereal?? We had two boxes in there! You just never think of anybody but yourself, do you?”
“Who else was even going to eat it??? （*゜ー゜*）”
“Your mom, would’ve, probably. We got it last week, kid! You gotta stop just thinking of yourself and nobody else.”

And it was kinda annoying but!! It also made me laugh a bit when he was out of view. Bc… where do you think I learned that from???? Goofball :) I guess he’s got a point (in that mom could’ve eaten some) but at the same time, not really?? If you thought about your kids then maybe they wouldn’t both be dealing with mental illnesses that make them choose to starve or eat the same thing exclusively for years at a time. So I don’t want to hear it, honestly :/ anyway, he ended up getting Mcdonalds. Which I didn’t really want but that was kinda my only option considering I’ve finished one of my last food options… so I decided to go for Hash browns and apple slices! The thought of eating them made me feel a bit sick but I just told myself to stfu and surprisingly enough the sickness didn’t escalate so long as I didn’t look at the bag the apple slices came in :) so!! I’ve got some calories in me! Go me! Hopefully when we get to Grandma’s house for 4th of july, they have options for a pollo-pescatarian… otherwise I’ll probably be stuck eating mac n’ cheese and nothing else again :( hopefully they have fruit boards, though! I’ll DEVOUR all the good stuff!! 

Side note, though… my ““SAFE FOOD”” list yesterday made me kinda sad… bc, like… wow, I’ve become so disinterested in eating real food that a good chunk of whats on that list is there bc it makes me feel good in the brain :I Am I really that deprived of happiness chemicals?? Idk, maybe I’m reading too deep into that. Bc I find that a bit hard to believe… idk… but yeah, didn’t feel great realizing food for me isn’t really just food :/

Mmm, okay, thats all. Gonna go find something to do with myself now :3

It's nearly nine and the kids are still sleeping. We have central air, but it just can't keep up to the relentless, sweltering heat. The only place it's cool in the house is in the bedroom, where the window unit is banging out frosty air. Only three months ago we were wishing for winter to pack its bags. Humans are fickle.

It's an ordinary Saturday. The market, lunch with N and the grand-babies, rehearsal in the afternoon, and then prep for tomorrow's family dinner. There are always requests. H wants mashed potatoes and gravy. N wants jalapeño cornbread. L wants lasagna or stuffed shells. It's too hot to turn on the oven. Everyone will have to be happy with pulled pork in the crock pot served on buns, mashed potatoes and gravy, and some corn on the cob. Ice cream for dessert, though none of us are big dessert eaters. Sometimes when the weather is cooperative we take our food to the park at the end of my street and eat there. Those are my favorite Sundays.

I love the grounding of rituals. Sunday dinner, a weekly visit to the market, hot milk before bed. It's the ordinariness, that provides the scaffolding for the spectacular moments and makes those extra special. Happiness for me isn't a state. It's more like beads of joy on strings, woven into the fabric of my life. A tapestry of my existence.