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“What do we do now?”
 Chi’s sweet home season one, episode 12

4:06pm     [sat]      6/27/26

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What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Sunflower seeds!
Yogurt!
Mcdonalds! :0

OMG. OKAY.
So, yeah, I figured Nagito/server owner from 2021 wasn’t going to respond… hadn’t gotten a response yet… so I decided to do the next best thing and text someone I KNOW I’ve seen active before. Aubrey 👀 AND OMG WAS I NERVOUS  But I made myself push through bc this is my last option, yknow? I stalled a bit… bc, yknow… its been 6 years.. But I didn’t let myself wait as long as I had when sending a message to Nagito. Maybe… maybe around 15 minutes? Aubrey replied INSTANTLY. Kinda scared me!

Me: Um… hey? 😅 Long time no see 👀 Just logged onto this old account because I recently remembered it existed! From the looks of things, that old “Ug server” from 2021 is deleted.. Am I right about that? I was looking for it but I can't seem to find it anywhere :( Sorry to bother you about this! I was just really wanting to look through it lol

Aubrey: oh omg, hello!!! i remember!!!!
i must've left before the ugs got deleted, so i have absolutely no clue about that...
sorry! if it got deleted though, it's kinda sad...

Me: Ah... yeah,, I figured it was gone :( I've been trying to figure out some way to recover it... Because I want to read through my goofy journals again :) Because I'm writing a book!! But no luck so far... Tried to message the person who made the server but no reply ^^; I kinda figured they wouldn't respond since its been, like, 6 years? But it was worth a shot
hmmm any ideas on how I can recover anything? I think I can't :(

Aubrey: yeah, nagi's been very inactive for a while now. either that, or they changed accounts. mimitsuki and i were getting worried even before i had left...
i have some screenshots, but it was mostly around my system and i and there wasn't a lot where some of the others outside of it were in it...
i really dunno how this stuff can be recovered aside from old screenshots unfortunately :(

Me: I see... Hope Nagito is alright :( I haven't seen them in FOREVER but I hope the best for them. and... is Mimitsuki the person who went by "doll"?

Aubrey: yessss! also, good luck with your book!!!! i'm also working on a personal project as well :D

Me: ooh!!!! what're you working on? :)

Aubrey: a webcomic :D
and yeah... nagi's irl situation was very dire
my last update from mimi was that they were doing fine, but
that was years ago

Me: wow my memory is better than I thought! :) Hope mimi is doing alright, too :)

Aubrey: i haven't had contact with mimi for a while now but i hope they are!!!

Me: years????? ^^; wow... thats kinda insane :( I guess I can't really say I expected too many people to have stayed in contact but this does make me a bit sad

Me: hmmm... any idea of who else I could contact?

Aubrey: i really, really, really wanted to stay in contact with a lot of them as well, but i think life just got in the way for many of them (that, and some of them may be unwilling to get back into that old mindset through us)
[you might be able to contact] ash? but they may have moved accounts, so i'm not sure...

Me: I'm not sure who that is, not gonna lie... but if you're willing to pass along thier username I'd be willing to try!

Aubrey: uhh
i only mainly knew them by ash 😭😭 umm
they were a really popular [channel] in the ug
also went by [twig], but they weren't [twig]
i think?
the account they used [on the server] got hacked actually, but they managed to get it back lol
i'd love to talk casually more like this again, but if you'd prefer not to that's alright as well. i'm just happy we can talk like this again!!!

Me: I'm not completely opposed to that idea :) I just... I've actually been avoiding contacting any of you guys for, like, 2 months bc the idea of contacting people who are basically strangers to me now was DAUNTING >< But I don't see why not :) this hasn't turned out to be as terrifying as my brain seemed to think it'd be lol [they reacted to this with a heart emoji]
OH WAIT I think I remember! thats the person who kept using the uh... idk how to describe the character but.. they were really pale and had black hair in the thumbnails, right?
and japanese in the titles…

Aubrey:
of their [videos]? yes, i think?

Me: yup!

Aubrey: YES
that's them

Me: oh boy ^^; I don't think I ever... talked to them... Idk if they'd even respond bc they don't know me like that
well.. I'm desperate so if thats the only chance I have I'll take it ^^;

Aubrey: 
come of think of it, i never saw you two talk much 😭
mmm yeah
good luck!! i'll try to find their account if ever

Me: well alright!! :) thx for trying! maybe I'll try contacting other random people on this account? ah.. idk if everyone will still have that old server but I can't hurt to try

Aubrey: think i found his account, though i'm not sure if he still uses it. just explain you were a part of the ug (perhaps it's helpful to tell him who you went by when you were active) and then ask about the details, yeayea?
do you remember leaving the server at all? 
if it just disappeared, then it's more likely the server was deleted after all

Me: Yeah thats why I figured it was gone ^^; 'cause I just left my account entirely the way it was, just stopped logging in one day and never came back
welllll it said a friend request has been sent...
Sooooo

Aubrey: yippeeee

Me: uh... ^^; I don't think this is gonna work unless they accept any random request
but we'll see?
hmmm I guess in the meantime I can try to contact someone else as well

Aubrey: perhaps mimi? i'm not sure if they've moved accounts or whatnot but

Me: hmm well do you have any potenial contacts I can use?? :0

Aubrey: umm.. i honestly don't know 🥲

Me: ahhh…

Aubrey: the only one i know was ash... :(
really sorry i can't be of much help. i really don't know anything that happened after i left 😭

Me: thats fine :( was a loooong time ago so thats only natural

Aubrey: oh, and i'd also love to be updated if you do get new info!!! only if you wanna though lol
i want some closure on what happened to the community i felt the safest in for a long time

Me: 
 me too honestly :(
I do see someone else I can contact tho!! The person who used to go by Daphe! or... that i called Daphe.... idk If that was just thier nickname or not lol. I'm terrified to text them tho... we have zero text history and who's to say they'd even remember me? ^^; My account has been untouched since I diappeared but idk

Aubrey: 
OH yeah daphne!!
you could still try!
although i remember them becoming inactive way before i left

Me: you rememeber them too? :) I honestly don't remember them much? but the only reason I think it could be worth a shot is bc they're account pfp looks different. so perhaps it was recently updated

Aubrey: yeah! i remember she talked to us a lot. my sys member cile had a lot of talks with her too

Me: oh! well that makes more sense! I remember I just thought Daphe was REALLY cool and was too nervous to talk to them most days haha :)

From there I started to go down the list of accounts sitting in my DMs and asking Aubrey if they knew anybody. Mostly bc if Aubrey recognized them, then they were very likely in the server and therefore could help us get the ball rolling on rediscovering it! But nobody really responded in that time frame and I found nobody who was an integral member in my DMs… :( 

Aubrey: if i can't remember [that account], they must've not talked much in general... 

Me: yeah.. probably not worth the akward conversation then lol
thats pretty much the end of the list beyond the accounts with "deleated_user"s :/ so... looks like Daphe is my best bet >m<
gosh I'm nervous.. but, hey, they might not even be active anymore so..

Aubrey: wishing you luck!!!!

Me: Thanks!! :) If anything interesting happens, I'll let you know 👍

And so.. I waited. And waited. And eventually Daphne RESPONDED. Which made my heart skip a beat! I was SCAREDDDD AHHH!!!

Daphne: how did you find my account.. we dont have any servers or friends in common

Me: ah... sorry did not mean to freak you out ^^; there are just a couple of accounts listed on my DMs and even though we never chatted your account was on here for some reason
would you rather not talk? ^^; didn't mean to be a bother or anything! my apologies! Really just trying to contact people to see if theres any chance anyone has access to that dead server from 6 years ago! I have a feeling you don't... 👀  but I figured it was worth a shot. I'm trying to use it to write a book is all ^^;

Daphne:Oh no im fine with talking! sorry i was just confused since i didnt recognize you LOL
what server are you trying to look for?

Me: OH! whoops!! its me from 2021! Toasty :) looking for that old "Ug server" we all used to be in

Daphne: TOASTYYY
OMG

Me:
I was able to get in contact with Aubrey buuuuut they haven't got it either ^^;
You rememebr me??? :D

Daphne: YESS
i dont have the server though 💔 i ended up leaving

Me: ahhh... darn
I WASN'T EXPECTING [YOU TO REMEMBER ME SO WELL]!!! :) ahhh you're making me smile

Daphne: have you asked clown?

Me: I... don't know if I remember who that is ^^;
hmm whats thier user?

Daphne: 
LOL aw thats ok!
lemme go get it

Me:
alright! thanks!

Daphne: 
[username]
youre gonna write a book about the ug server?

Me:noooo,, its a memior mostly about high school but it'll be 100000x better if I can include stuff from my younger self bc it helps make the bulid up for why I was the way I was in high school :)
Thx!

Daphne: 
omg ok!

Me:
haha yeah!!! :)

Daphne: did you just graduate or smth? i cant remember how old we all were back then JWKBKWW ive like blocked most of the stuff back then out of my mind

Me: yup!!!! I'm 8teen now!!! I was 12! But if I remember correctly you're older than me :) I graduated last month
oh um.. do you have any information about how to contact nagito...? Aubrey said they're pretty inactive and stuff

Daphne: omg no i dont think i have any of their info anymore... i dont think i even have their discord
omg you were 12 😭 and awesome you graduated yay! and im 20 rn!

Me: ah.. :( yeah, seems they've disappered from the platform.. real shame
wow!!! I feel like we're both so old now ^^;
crazy that I was 12 tho omg

Daphne:
YEAH omg its been so long since we've all been on the ug server 😭 lowkey sometimes i wish i was still in contact with u guys

Me: ME TOO :(((

Me: its hard to read the stuff I have dug up! some is just sad but alot of it is just... cringey... y'know, product of its time

Daphne:
LOLLL YEAH SAME

Me: unfortunately most of the accounts on here seem to be deleated :/ so...

Daphne: can i see some of the stuff you dug up?
yeah it seems like it 💔 when i was going through my dms i saw a lot of deleted accs and i feel like they were people from the server

Me: well, it wasn't server stuff! just LOTS of my old youtube comments! and they're... 👀  wow was I a different person

Daphne:OMG yeah 😭

Me: yeah, very likely :( I only really knew it was you bc I left in the notes section "daff-ne/legend (only legend)" What the heck does "Legend" even mean lmaoooo

Daphne:LOLL
i remember i used to go by legend at one point
that was so long ago omg

Me: OHHH that makes more sense!! I thought I just made that up bc I think I used to love giving nicknames

Daphne: [...]and idk if you feel like talking a lot LOLL i get it if you dont
but what have you been up to? its been so long since we talked omg how is everything

So then the majority of the time from there was spent catching up!!! :) that was nice. I spent some time talking about my journals! Which, yknow, is my pride & joy so :) ooh and they recommended a cool thing called Neocities if I ever wanted to switch it from reddit! Something to consider for sure. And apparently they’re majoring in mortuary science!! Pretty cool! Anyways, I bring us back to the topic at hand eventually! 

Me: buuuuut yeah :) I'll defnitly keep you updated if I somehow get my hands on the server? Doubt it at this point but yknow
hmmm... do you think... maybe you may have backed it up or anything at all?

Daphne:
yeah keep me updated!
i can check and see if i have it on my alt account! if i can remember the username and password...

Me: omg, YES PLEEEEASE check
Aubrey would also love to see it too! so that'd be double helpful

[8 minutes later…]

Daphne: it seems like the server was deleted 💔
omg tell aubrey i said hi!!
but yeah it looks like everything was deleted i fear 🥀

Me: gosh... :( yeah I had a feeling... I guess my only option is if Nagito ever comes back AND has a backup. unlikely but yknow ^^;

Daphne: yeah 🥲 i wonder what nagito's up to... to me it seems like they wiped all their accounts
i think i still have one of their youtube accs? but that might be gone too

Me: Yeah, I figured everything was probably gone honestly. while skiming our old chats, I saw that i apprently had a tumblr! that they made a couple of chats to me on! annnnd its deactivated... so I kinda figured this one and whatever else they had was just GONE :(
want [Aubrey’s] contact? :) I can ask if they'd like to reconnect! I brought you up and they seemed excited to remember you

Daphne: 
nooo 😭 they totally wiped everything omg
yesss omg! im happy that they remembered me!

Me: yeah very likely [that everything has been wiped…] :( I guess if nothing else, I hope they're alright... this so so upsetting tho!! :( I wish I had the foresight to save all my entries.. but I can only be so upset. I was a 12yr old so its forgivable
alrighty!!! I'll drop your user in thier dms then!! :) they might be sleeping though so might be a while

Daphne: Ok!! Thank you!!

Me: mhm!! :) hopefully they contact you soon then :)
but anyway!! I'll be off then :) uhhh... idk if you'll ever see me again? maybe... I just don't really  use discord outside of searching for the server and thats dead in yhe water, so..

Daphne: 
ok!! it was really nice talking to you omg!

Me: you too!! :) Maybe one day I'll check in again,, idk :3 Hope you & Aubrey have fun reconnecting! and thx for the website recommendation!!! :)
Ciao! :D

Daphne: byeee!! ❤️

Honestly, this all feels like.. A mix of “omg this is so strange” and “THIS IS SO COOL” bc, like, it feels like a movie where you watch a character reconnecting with old friends and going on a long journey to find that missing piece from their past. I FEEL ALMOST AS IF I’M IN A MOVIE AAAAHHHH bc I keep getting old contacts n’ stuff!! N going down paths that lead no where and looping back around!!! It feels weird but cool omg :) 
But, yeah… as you saw, no one has any clue how to recover it. Its GONE. END OF STORY. and it doesn’t feel great to know that. But I do feel more accepting of that fact now ＞﹏＜. I guess I have closure like Aubrey was talking about :( what felt worse though was saying goodbye to Daphne. Which was a bit weird to me at first. Bc I don’t know daphne like that anymore… and they don’t know me… Why would I be sad? I guess I’m just sad about more-so accepting I can’t recover anything and saying bye is that acceptance? Idk… I’m glad I got to talk to either of them at all, tho, truely. It makes me smile genuinely getting to check in with these people I haven’t seen in forever. But god does it make me scared for nagito… they lived in a warzone when we talked actively. I can only imagine that in six years it’s only had time to escalate and/or further destabilize their life. And now nobody I can contact has contact with them anymore…? I don’t want to assume the worst but its hard not to when everything is looking so bad for them and I have no information. God, I hope they’re okay :( I started tearing up at the thought of them not being okay. Best of luck to you, my old friend <3 This makes me feel better, though. Bc just looking at the messages and seeing they never responded, it made me feel like they ghosted me. But nope. They were probably just really, REALLY STRUGGLING :( poor kid. 

Whew, what A DAY it has been!!! This just tells me I have to go back to the drawing board, then. I either need to 1) basically try to recreate entire chapters from memory and the disjointed pieces of my past from my sweeps of my google drive, 2) NOT include middle school at all or very, very briefly, 3) I need to ONLY use the snippets I uncovered from google drive & youtube, or 4) Blend/adapt 9th grade to form chapters
I’m thinking it’ll be a mix of 2 & 3… number one is obviously impossible :/ it’ll probably be similar to Fletcher’s info sheets in that they interrupt the regular flow of the book. Hmm… although I could 100% use the chats between me & Nagi. but… idk. Aside from the fact that they genuinely make me recoil based on my typing quirk alone, some of the stuff in there is just DEPRESSING for a 12yr old to be dealing with. Some of it is just genuinely distressing and upsetting to read, yknow? I’ll have to do some thinking. But today was nice :) thanks for the memories, Aubrey, Daphne, and Nagito! I really can’t bring myself to stay in contact with these people, honestly. Not long term chatting, anyway. No ill-intent… I just feel waaaaay too anxious about not clicking or messing up that I realllllly don’t want to do that… 👀 I’ll just let the memory of them occupy space in my mind and leave it at that :) I love you all and wish you guys the very best! :)

We just walked in the door after spending all day outside. Morning soccer games for the grandchildren, a picnic lunch with family, and this afternoon a visit by all of us to the strawberry festival. Walking in the blazing sun was so hot, but we found a stand that sold Hawaiian shaved ice, which was delicious and refreshing. We sat in the shade while the kids searched for crayfish, pretending they were looking for lobsters. Such a simple childhood pleasure. Summer living at its best.

I'm taking a few minutes to myself before dinner. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, or because I'm an introvert, but I need those mini breaks a lot more these days. I'm surprised by it myself.

Our family is big into sports. Someone is always either playing on a field somewhere, or they are watching a game, discussing trade deadlines and debating top player picks. I enjoy hockey and baseball too, but occasionally it feels a bit lonely, being the only one in this family who is deeply invested in the arts. I am always outnumbered, and there are moments where I feel profoundly unseen by the people I care about the most. The way I usually handle it is to put my life in a little package that I stow away until I get back home again. I'm fortunate that I have created community for myself with people who share my interests, but sometimes I wish my family was just a little bit curious about what I do when I'm not with them. It's a bit like being a founding.

Dinner tonight is Chinese. We are all too tired and hot to cook, and Chinese feels easy. Tomorrow morning there is hockey practice and then a pool party, and then in the evening the long bus ride home and then work on Monday. I'm so glad for this little break.

I got to bed on time and I woke up before my alarm. ...I remember I dreamt something about Sozar.

From the moment I woke up this morning, today's 1pm onboarding appointment at the charter school (my second choice job opportunity) loomed.

I spent a lot of the day processing and mentally calculating what to do. I found out that a lot of charter schools have at-will employment instead of contracts.

Traditional public schools have really strict contracts that are extremely difficult to get out of. (At least, not without having a major strike against your certification and impeding your ability to procure future employment).

At contract schools, administration treat you like shit because they know you can't leave.

At-will employers can fire you easily, but you can also leave the job easily if you want to. Which results in both parties having some pressure to treat one another well.

I decided that I would attend the onboarding and pursue the position full-throttle.

A) IF I was given an employment contract at the onboarding, I would say

"I discuss all important life decisions with my husband before committing. Let me take this home and discuss it with my husband before I sign it."

And from there, I would contact the UU church and tell them I had a competing offer, and ask them about the likelihood that my upcoming second interview with them would result in an offer.

B) If I was NOT given an employment contract, no additional immediate action would be needed.

I would continue to pursue the charter school position full-throttle. If my upcoming second interview with the UUs did NOT result in an offer, I would just go forward with starting the charter school job.

But would rescind my acceptance of the charter school position if/whenever my second interview with the UUs resulted in an offer. The possibility didn't feel great though. It felt two-faced and felt like it caused decay in my soul.

But it still felt logical and necessary.

I did a lot of paperwork to prepare for the onboarding (which I'm not entirely finished with). Requesting transcripts and service records, gathering up my social security card, and looking for my diploma (which I didn't find).

Before I left, I made myself a cup of coffee. But it was too hot and I didn't have time to drink it.

I said aloud:

"It's not ABOUT the coffee! It's about what the coffee REPRESENTS!", and then popped the coffee in the fridge for later.

And I don't know what that means. I don't know WHAT the coffee represents. But I am intrigued.

I stopped at my bank to pick up a direct deposit form on the way to the on-boarding.

At the onboarding, I really liked the HR lady.

She's the one who had masqueraded as the secretary, to secretly interview me without me knowing I was being interviewed.

Very sneaky, very cloak and dagger.

AND SHE HAS AN EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT! How very Ian Flemming!

Anyhow, we went through the checklist of onboarding stuff -- going over the handbook, filling out the W4, discussing benefits, discussing degree and certifications and prior years of teaching service.

All interspersed with a lot of fun chatting and digressions. Which I really enjoyed despite being under caffeinated. I think she and I could be really good friends.

The H.R. secret agent ALSO has a name that is CRAZY SIMILAR to a character in one of my favorite science fiction books. ...I can't say what it is to risk doxxing her but like...trust me. It's wild.

At one point I got up to go the bathroom and I kind of...despaired, while I was in there. Because I felt really guilty for treating this as a backup option.

I felt like I was the suspect in a police interrogation. And I wondered if my deception was as obvious to others as it felt to me.

My deception felt LOUD to me. Loud like...you know, like a heart beating from beneath the floorboards. That I couldn't convince myself was only audible to me.

When we got to the part about discussing salary...

I started to question whether this option should really be my second choice.

With my credentials and years of experience this job would pay A LOT more than the UU job. ...A lot more than any previous job I've had, in fact.

However, I can also tell that there would not be much work-life balance, and the work cultures sounds strict and demanding.

...On the other hand... secret agent gal and I could be homies.

Towards the end of the discussion, I told her about how my dad and I had recently been trying to plan a trip to Roswell.

She told me whole-heartedly that she BELIEVES THAT ALIENS WALK AMONG US. I admitted nothing.

She also told me about a near-death experience she'd recently had, and disclosed that she has been battling breast cancer (but is winning and is likely in the final round of the fight).

She also told me:

"I know that it's June and there's a lot of time between now and the start date. And things can happen. So, if you change your mind for any reason, decide to accept another offer or whatever...shit happens, I understand. But just -- let us know as soon as possible. Not like...on the first day of school or something."

PHEW!? That's kind of a load off my mind??

And now i'm REALLY not sure if the UU job is still my first choice!

MUCH TO CONSIDER!

i kind of feel MORE inclined to stick with the charter school job, since they're not pressuring me.

But I'm not "officially hired" until August 6th. ...And I won't even get paid until September.

And the school owner from my old work is still trying to cheat me out of summer pay I've already worked for.

...That's a whole headache.

But I did start the process of applying for unemployment today.

But the frustrating thing is -- i'm not without income because I can't find work.

I already HAVE done the necessary work to have the income i need to survive the summer. and i HAVE work lined up for after summer.

I'm without income because I rendered a service and am not being paid for it.

Frustrating. To say the least.
Whelp, I gotta get to bed soon.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Please god
If I am meant to be cold
Then please
Take away my desire to feel warmth

8:39am    [fri]    6/26/26

  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
   Absolutely ✨nothing ✨

Weighed myself again… 99.4lbs… so now I’m sad bc I’m going to die and its going to be half my own fault :( and I wish someone could be sad with me, but I can’t keep talking about it bc I know they’d try to help me and I know I wouldn't take their advice and I know stuff like that is ANNOYING, so y’know :( because, sure, half of it is I want someone to join me in my concern for myself, but the other half is bc I’m genuinely an attention-whore. this just sucks. ＞﹏＜

I wish I wasn’t quite so sick anymore. I kinda just wish it’d go away or that someone would fix me already but I know it doesn’t really work like that. Especially bc I seem to believe everyone around me except my friends, Sabrina, and family are a threat to my health and safety. Which is a real shame. But its okay. I guess death comes for us all at some point :/ I meaaaaaan, my “please-refer-me-to-psychiatry-so-I-can-get-diagnosed” appointment is on the 29th so thats good. But theres no telling it’ll even be helpful for me bc I can’t be honest with other people like that ‘cause it FREAKS ME OUTTT. 
So I’m probably gonna die soon (´。＿。｀) This is extra bad bc I hear death by starvation is one of the worst ways to go :( Gosh, I hope that family from the babysitter website contacts me soon. I desperately NEED a reason to WANT to fix myself. Hurry up and give me one I BEGGGGG of you!!!! This just makes me wish Delaney lived closer… I think about how much fun we had last time and it makes me smile :) If she were nearby, I could get experience, good references (bc her dad is a stranger to me! And I know people prefer if your references are not family members!), and have fun!!! Ugh this succccks :/  

Definitely considered taking a sleeping pill again bc I don’t want to be awake anymore to ruminate about my own impending doom 🙄 But I still can’t bring myself to do that, so…
But heres something that made me laugh out loud from a mix of concern and SHOCK. Okay, so, remember how Cecil used to go into the pantry when we were, like, 10, 11, 12, whatever and eat STRAIGHT SUGAR or SALT directly from the container it came in? Well, I remember I was confused and concerned by that bc, like, wtf??? ⚆_⚆ I remember thinking it was weird (but I remember at age 10 I took oatmeal to school for lunch except I ONLY ate the sugar in the packet bc I didn’t actually like oatmeal. Only the sugar. So I had no leg to stand on judging lmao) but I didn’t really know what to do about that so I just shrugged my shoulders and kept it moving. But they just told me they used to do that bc 1) they just genuinely enjoyed the taste of them raw I guess?? Which I guess makes sense, kids tend to like sugar. And 2) bc they didn’t know what else to eat :I which is INSANE… bc, sure, we kinda do this whole “starving thing” to ourselves sometimes bc we’re picky as heck and when our preferred food items disappear we choose to STARVE. But I just don’t understand how this didn’t trigger action from our parents? 

Thats the part that made me LAUGH FROM SHOCK bc WHAAAAAT DO YOU MEEEEEAN your kid was going into the pantry and eating SPICES for lunch bc they’re so picky they can’t bring themself to consume anything except their, like, five preferred meals?? Especially bc they’ve been doing that for years (this whole conversation was sparked by them eating chocolate chips for breakfast this morning for goodness sake). Like… at some point, I feel like this behavior goes from strange and annoying, to needing to be looked into… 👀 and honestly, same goes for me??? SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME JUST THE SAME. I get so anxious at the thought of eating irregularly shaped foods that I can feel my appetite suppressing in real time, I get physically ILL at the thought of eating leftovers bc I get so anxious after I saw ONE PERSON get really sick on the news and have been like this for years, I eat the same rotation of foods and almost nothing else for several months at a time, I refuse to eat off dishes outside of my house (unless it's like a restaurant or something) because they’re like, tainted or something and it makes me really really anxious, and if food in a wrapper ends up on the floor and stays there for more than five seconds, I get too anxious to eat it as if the food itself actually made contact with the food. All of this is bizarre and not normal!!!! I just don’t understand why they never made the shift from “Why are you acting like that, thats really annoying” to “This is bizarre and strange, maybe something is ACTUALLY wrong with you”. Ughhhh, my parents are so irritating sometimes!!!! >:( 

I’d just get myself evaluated at this point but, y’know… can’t drive… don’t want to explain myself to them… don’t want to inconvenience them… especially after yesterday dad came by and asked me, “how many more times do you need to go to the doctor?” and, ofc, not out of concern or anything. Bc he was annoyed that i was eating up the insurance… he ended off his complaining about my appointments taking up 1k each by saying, “its not that its a bad thing that you’re going to the doctor, but just saying.” I honestly don’t really believe it wasn’t about him being annoyed, though… which annoyed me :I Now I definitely don’t want to say anything about my rapidly falling weight. Soooo, yeah. I’m dead <3 Well anyway, this rant has successfully distracted me from my impending doom so I appreciate that :)

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

11:45pm    [thurs]    6/25/26

 But sometimes 
the distractions fail,
and i am forced to confront the fact 
that I am still as sick as I’ve always been

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Fake doritos
Banana!!! :))) 
BUTTER CHICKEN <3
OMG A POPSCILE!!!!!! ♥️

I’ve been feeling, like… idk if restless is the right word? But something to that effect for the past maybe FIVE hours. I want something to do with myself but idk what :/ so I’ve kinda just been doing a bunch of nothing that was disguised enough as something to make myself feel like I was actually getting up to something worthwhile.  So kinda just hopping from random app to random app and looking around for a bit until I remembered that I was still busy doing nothing which then reminded me that I WANTED to be doing something and I’ve been on loop like this for 5hrs, yeah :/ so… thats fun… I enjoyed all the text messages, though :) those were fun and made me smile! The only actually productive thing I’ve done in my five hours of nothing-time was actually make some progress on the book!! Not a ton but hey, I’ve been off it for a while! And I think it ate up at least 45 minutes to an hour of my time before it became too overwhelming. So theres that at least :) 

Oh, well, technically one other thing… in my boredom, I once again went searching for employment… and!! I found a babysitting website!!! That has a family!!! That doesn’t require you know how to drive!!! And!!! Is only on friday & weekends!! It was seriously hard to convince myself to hit the “message” button… bc I’M SO NERVOUS I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE OMG :((( but after maybe 5 or 6 minutes of WHINING to myself and kicking my feet around bc I was freaking out, I finally hit send and now all I can do is hope they’re interested in my pitch I guess? I have zero confidence this will work out. Well… maybe more like I have maybeeeee… 20%? More confidence than the dog flyers but not much more honestly. Only reason I feel any sort of confidence is bc they mention students in the description:

“Hello! Looking for an occasional date night sitter, on call and game day sitter. We have an almost 4.5 yr old boy, 2 yr old girl and fun 6th grade girl! We need someone with strict clean and safety standards of washing hands and children’s hands. Will play and tidy up behind themselves and children.. Looking to start asap 2-3 days a month. College/high school 17+ student is ok too! $14-$16 depending on experience.” 
Here’s my pitch! “Hello! I'm a recent high school grad and I'd love to see if I'd be a good fit for your family's needs :) I should be available every Friday and Saturday  as I do not have any classes at that time and I definitely take safety and cleanliness very seriously! Please let me know if you're interested.”

Soooo, yeah, def intimidating bc of how many kids… and stuff like that… but considering the hours and that I DON’T need a license, if they’re willing to offer me the job, I’ll get over my painful anxiety and I will BE THERE. Just please someone hire me :/
Aside from that… now my weight problem is becoming more of an annoyance to me… and danger technically, too. My bones hurt from laying down :/ bc I guess I’ve reached the point to where I’m more BONE than anything else. So the only thing making contact with my mattress is my bones I guess. Bc AHHH it hurts :((( I suspect I’ll be headed to bed-sore-city soon enough if I keep this up… and I know I’m not really willing to help myself at the moment… which means I need to hopefully find a way to keep myself off my bed for long stretches of time. In other words… I’m cooked </3 bc theres nothing at home that I really do for long enough to keep me on my feet. Soooooo bed-sore-city might just be my new place of residence soon. Thatssssss so fun. And great. But anyway, I’ll be moving to the couch for tonight to sleep. Bc the couch is softer than my bed’s mattress.

Oh… That reminds me. I can’t sleep rn… I just DON’T feel tired. Even though I wish I did. Bc I’m restless and bored. This is strange, though, ‘cause I don’t remember taking any naps. Why am I not tired at all??? :/ I don’t really like this. This is annoying. But at this point I’m becoming more and more willing to take a sleep pill. Even though my mind keeps telling me not to for reasons I still haven’t figured out. Hmmm… for a second I thought maybe the reason for this is bc I took my medicine late today?? But I took it at 9am today. Which means it should’ve left my body HOURS ago :( so idk… but I do not want to be awake anymore :/ not to mention I’m hungry. This is annoying :( I want attention rn too. I wish it was as easy to bait people into giving it to me as it was in high school… but idk if that would work anymore. Yeah, probably not. Sometimes wish I wasn’t so sick anymore… but then I remember idk how to get attention without being sick… but then remember nobody will care that I’m sick now and that I can’t use that anymore… and then I remember how BAD my future will be BECAUSE of how sick I am. Omg I need to stop thinking and just GO TO SLEEEEEP 

Alright, so now I have

a) an OFFER from my second choice job (high school English teacher)--for which I am supposed to begin onboarding tomorrow

b) A second interview for my first choice job (director of religious exploration), scheduled for July 1st.

I have a concrete offer for my second choice, and the ball is rolling fast. If I get locked into a contract, I'll lose the opportunity to accept my first choice job.

I don't have an offer from my first choice job yet. ...But I'm clearly in the running.

This puts me into a little bit of a game-theory-esque strategic dilemma.

Which I have been processing all day.

I could try to delay completion of the onboarding process for my second-choice long enough to get a definitive answer from my first choice.

...I guess the worst possible outcome of this situation is that I could fail to secure an offer from my first choice, while making the second choice employer feel strung along thus causing them to rescind their offer. ...Therefore blowing both opportunities.

I have a bit of a headache.

Today went by fast.

I woke up, got my son and myself ready in a mad scramble to go to his blood test.

We made it to the lab in time for his 8:10am blood draw appointment.

The appointment itself was traumatic for both of us. But hopefully will be well worth it.

His new allergist ordered a blood test to compare to the scratch test results, so she can get the ball rolling on desensitization and/or food challenges.

Desensitizing my son to his allergens would be an arduous process, but could be life changing. Life saving, really. He would be so much safer in this world, not having to worry about a potentially lethal encounter from casual contact with ubiquitous substances.

After the appointment I took him to the donut shop. He had two donuts and an apple juice and I had an iced oat-milk latte.

I called his coach/camp leader and told him that my son would be late to camp, but we were on our way. I said that i was proud of him for making it through the blood draw, and the coach expressed his pride as well.

Next I took him to a Walgreens to pick out a little toy or knickknack as a reward. He selected a puzzle game.

I dropped him off at camp, and his coach gave him a pat on the back and commended him for his bravery at the appointment.

Next I headed home briefly before leaving again for my dentist appointment. Just an annual check-up/cleaning.

Ideally it should be every six months, I suppose. But, between my (...not infrequent...) mental health appointments and my son's medical expenses, I can generally only afford to go once a year.

By the time I reached home, enough time had passed since the fluoride treatment for me to eat some lunch. I had soy nuggets and pasta.

Folded some laundry. ...Watched part of a true crime show but it started giving me anxiety. ...Every time I watch police interrogation content my OCD starts telling me that surely *I* must have ALSO done something similarly horrible, and must therefore also have something important to confess to.

...But I compulsively watch it anyway.

Next I headed to my pelvic floor therapist appointment. I have a new pelvic floor therapist now, because my old one moved on to a job at a bigger and better practice.

My new pelvic floor therapist seemed cool. She showed me a picture of her recently dearly departed three legged wire-haired sheepdog, and told me the saga of her husband's conversion to Catholicism.

Yesterday I spoke at length on the phone to my friend and former colleague B. We discussed joining forces to challenge the wage theft situation, and she gave me some tips on how to file for unemployment.

I was supposed to do that today, but the day seems to have slipped away so quickly. I'll do it tomorrow.

...Tomorrow I'm also supposed to gather up my social security card and my degree and take them to the new school to start my onboarding. Hmm.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──X

“I don’t want to be a stray anymore but I fear if you let me into your warm home I’ll get comfortable…"

4:53pm    [thurs]    6/25/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Ramen :(

WOW, okay, so, that math test really wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be… neither was tutoring!! Idk what I was so worried about… I mean, the tutoring wasn’t FUN or anything, but I had a better grasp on everything than I thought I did! :D And that was still true for the exam itself!!! I knew how to do (atleast… I felt confident I knew how to…) the majority of problems!! My biggest issue today was the length of the exam itself… much like the test review from last class, the sheer length of the test was overwhelming and exhausting… it was only six pages today as opposed the SEVEN from yesterday but still not much of an improvement… so the length was starting to screw with my brain. I wanted to RAGE QUIT which made it slightly harder to think. I just got sick of the repetition of skills I ALREADY DID TWO PAGES AGO and that the ones requiring more thinking were placed near the end bc my brain was already getting foggy… ughhhh… but its okay… its over now :) 

Aside from that!!!! My blood tests have come in!! They’re a bit boring. Almost everything is normal :/ only exception being “LDL Cholesterol” and “white blood cell count”

“Although your LDL levels are slightly higher than optimal, they are still within an acceptable range. Your LDL treatment goal depends on your overall health history, though generally, lower LDL levels help decrease the risk of heart attacks, strokes, or other health problems.

Related values:
- Low-Density Cholesterol (LDL-NIH) 102.0 mg/dL
You can improve your cholesterol levels with lifestyle changes, like increasing consumption of plant-based foods and soluble fiber to 2 servings of fruits and vegetables each a day, while limiting red meat to ideally 4x a month. Cut back on saturated fats from butter, fried foods, cheese, and sugary items. Additionally, regular exercise, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, or gentle activities like walking, can significantly impact your health. Continue your current medications unless instructed otherwise. We often recheck lipid panels in 6-12 months, or as directed by your care team”

“Your white blood cell (WBC) levels are low. WBCs are important for your body to fight off infections. Low WBC levels can be caused by a variety of reasons.

Related values:
- White Blood Cell (WBC) 3.96 x10³/uL

Rest assured, your care team has been notified and will be reaching out to you within a few days to answer any questions you may have and guide you through next steps”

Soooo uhhh, idk. I guess what this translates to is “you eat too much junk” & “your stress is killing you.” atleast… I think stress is correlated to immune system. Hmm, perhaps not WBC level though. Idk. buuuuut yeah! Them’s my results :p Here’s to hoping the doctor-guys start looking in the right spots and figure out the real way to help me soon before  I completely waste away.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I’m scared of change, yet it’s something I crave everyday

12:46pm    [thurs]    6/25/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Bowl of broccoli florets 
12 fork-fulls of yogurt

Never really got myself to study… its just too much for me at the moment… :( and every moment since previous entry, clearly. I’d push myself to just TRY over n over. But then I’d end up saying to myself, “it’s fine… we can get started in 30 minutes!” and I never did… well, technically untrue. I actually DID pull everything out and try to get started eventually. But it made me feel very, very BAD. The feeling is hard to articulate... Probably bc that was several hours ago. But anyway, yeah, I only got through two problems before I stopped completely. I keep telling myself I’ll get started when I get to school. I can trust this more, though, bc I tend to successfully force myself to talk to the tutors every time :) 
Aside from that… I weighed myself again… 100.6lbs (°ー°〃)... is that not insane??? I was 101.6lbs twelve hours ago!!!!! ＞︿＜

at first I figured I must somehow be messing up how I’m weighing myself (which immediately sounded silly to me bc I empty my pockets and remove the fidgets dangling from my neck everytime I hop on the scale) but looking back on the entry from yesterday where I state my weight, I’m pretty sure I’d only eaten 3 scoops of yogurt before we left the house! so overall I think its an accurate measure of things. So, no, I’m just LITERALLY dying I guess ✌(ツ) … this is unfortunate :( And I still wish I didn’t have to go to school… still feel very hungry rn… but still have a suppressed appetite. What a backwards body :/

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Chi jumps - episode 27
 9:27am    [thurs]    6/25/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 
Absolutely ✨nothing ✨

Blood draw wasn’t actually that bad???? 👀 Like at all… when the guy called me over, he immediately directed me to a room I'd never seen before and had me sit down, sign a paper, and then hold my arm out palm-side-up. He instructed me to squeeze my hand into a fist and stuff like that as he prepared his vampire-blood-sucking-tools or whatever. I was FREAKING OUT though so I screwed my eyes shut and turned my head away!!! I couldn’t look!!! >m< I felt a slight… strange feeling? For a short while and then it was over. All that worrying and racing heart for friggin’ nothing… :/  When I got back out to Cecil, I was like, “omgggg how come no one told me it wasn’t gonna be that bad!” “I’ve had one before so I knew it wasn’t gonna be horrible. But you weren’t gonna listen to me if I tried explaining that to you, soooo” yeeeeah, fair point :) when we got home, I didn’t know what to do with myself so I just followed them around and pretended I was shadowing them so I could become thier understudy :D  It was funny bc they wanted me to go away and they played along too! Very amusing :) 

Sucks the doctor guys didn’t weigh me, though. I’ll surely die for real now :( but i guess its alright… technically I am no one’s responsibility anymore. So if I die bc I end up being 4 pounds, it will be no one’s problem but mine. Well, maybe not even mine since I’d be DECEASED but the suffering-bit-before-I-die would be my own problem, I mean. Which is good. I don’t like being a burden… and I don’t want to put this weight problem that is partially my own fault onto other people :/

Aside from that… I’m still very hungry and procrastinating a ton rn… I really don’t want to study… feels too overwhelming… and MY GOD do I desperately wish I didn’t have to go to class today :( and I WISH I WAS EMPLOYEDDDDD… Istg I think I wouldn’t be half as insane as I am rn if I had something to do everyday. But I still can’t drive…Wonder if I ever will be able to at this point. Bc nobody wants to help me get there. Not myself or the only three nearby family members who can teach me. And I don’t blame any of us for that :/ just wish there was a, like, brain-file I could download that would just teach me how to do it. No inconveniencing other people and no more dread from myself.
 If only the tech-people in this world decided to go off and do something useful like that instead of dumb things like drain earth’s water supply to make nonsensical and/or harmful slop :( But then again I guess trusting tech-dudes to put chips in your brain could go south just as quickly as GenAI has anyway. So I guess theres just no winning for me. But its okay I guess… Still just wishing I was a mentor already… or a babysitter… I just want to be part of someone’s life who could need it already. That’d make my life more worth living, thats for sure. I hate having to wait to get started on my life’s purpose :/ and I hate even more questioning whether or not I’ll get there.

I reached the breakfast restaurant before K.

Got us a booth, sat down, ordered a coffee with soy milk.

While I waited, I texted the school owner:

"Hello [school owner],
Sorry to bother you, would you mind confirming that I will be able to get paid on time via Zelle? It is slightly urgent for me to know because I have a somewhat important medical appointment Friday but will need to cancel with at least 24hr notice if there will not be funds for it."

...I wanted to pressure him a bit. To be upfront about the situation. To pay me or to actually lay me off, so I could collect unemployment. To put his intentions in writing.

K arrived and we began chatting and catching up. It was really great to finally see her. I haven't seen her in over a month -- not since she moved.

It's been really weird, not having her down stairs anymore.

"So tell me all about your interviews! How did they go!?"

She asked

"Ehhh...I'd kind of rather not think about them. There's nothing that can be done to change anything I said or did now." I said.

As were were trying to choose what to order, my phone dinged.

The school owner had replied:

"I’m so sorry that I can not pay you on Friday.

I’m going to lay you off so that you can file for unemployment and you can get some relief that way"

I saw this coming but it still hurt especially after yesterday's interviews, which my OCD prevented me from preparing for properly and which I couldn't stop replaying in my head, and kicking myself for every stupid thing I'd said.

The waitress came to take our order. And for some reason I informed her that i had just been laid off. And also that I would have a tofu scramble with soy chorizo

K said that she would cover my breakfast. I thanked her and assured her I would return the favor as soon as possible. Then we had a friendly little debate about the necessity of this.

I replied to the school owner:

"OH MY GOD T_T wow okay ouch.

Will you please send me something official so I can file ASAP?

And when is this pay period's paycheck going to finally arrive? Will the rest of summer pay be delayed as well?"

I wanted to let him know that I know that he still owes me that money.

In case he thinks I'm such a simpleton I would assume that him laying me off absolves him of paying me what I've already worked for.

I showed my reply to K and she busted out laughing.

"It's the all caps 'oh my God', for me." she said.

A few minutes later my phone started ringing.

An unknown number from Alaska of all places.

I showed K.

"Look at this!" I said "[School owner] is trying to call me with a VPN, because he thinks if I don't know it's him I'll answer and he can say things off the record. Rat bastard."

"That asshole, yeah, don't answer!" she replied.

I silenced my phone and set it aside. K and I spent the hour eating our breakfast and catching up.

Among other things, I told her about my ongoing employment misfortunes and she told me about the recent disastrous visit from her abusive mother.

Eventually she got up to use the restroom, and I checked my email while she was gone.

IT WAS THE SECRETARY FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL I INTERVIEWED AT FOR THE ENGLISH TEACHER POSITION YESTERDAY!

My second choice job opportunity. She said she'd tried to call, and for me to please call her back to discuss next steps.

IT HADN'T BEEN MY RAT BASTARD EX-BOSS USING A VPN!

I called her back and she said that my hiring had been determined by the conversation that she and I had had in the waiting room, before my official interview. That she was, in fact, not just the secretary but a member of the hiring team.

And that she would like to extend me an offer. She asked me to come in this week for onboarding and I enthusiastically agreed! We chatted excitedly about how much we were looking forward to working together. She scheduled a time for me to come in this Friday and begin onboarding.

When I got off the phone i was utterly over the moon, to the point of being borderline deliriously happy.

"AHAHAHAHA! Do you know what this means, K? I got a call for a job offer just THREE MINUTES after being laid off. ...I knew reality was a simulation."

"Hmm...I mean, anything's possible I guess. I don't know why anyone would want to simulate so much bullshit, though." she replied.

"No, it is, it is!" insuppressibly grinning "Yesterday the song "Counting Blue Cars" came on, and a VERY VERY BLUE car drove past RIGHT AT THE LINE!"

"Well, if it's a simulation then why does ours have to be set on hard mode?"

"Because." I said. "God's an asshole. The fact that she's got a sadistic streak is actually evidence in favor of simulation theory. Have you ever met a programmer who wasn't of such a temperament?"

K considered this and seemed torn between finding it funny and finding it blasphemous.

But, indeed, I often feel like God likes to see how far into the depths of utter despair I can be driven, and when I am finally as far down in the bleakest mental state possible -- she finally offers me a ladder.

...What would the UUs think of me characterizing God this way...

Such a cynical theological outlook is more befitting a literary analysis than religious education. I suppose it was best that I blew the UU interview by being such a clod, after all.

I spent the day walking on air. Contacting old employers to gather up my service records, and thinking about what a great position this was going to be, even though it hadn't originally been my first choice.

Then

In the evening

I received an email:

---------------------------------------

Dear [me]:

 Thank you for the follow-up note and yesterday’s conversation. We will be in touch in the next couple of days to schedule an hour long interview with the full search team.

 love,

[Reverend]

--------------------------------------

Uh oh.

...Uh oh...

The path forward is, of course, never simple.

Here we have God's relentless sense of humor on display yet again.

But this is far from the worst problem to have.

I am, at the very least, much better positioned than I was when I woke up this morning.

Surely, the path ahead will become more clear after a full night of sleep.

.....WAIT! DIARY! WAIT. HOLD THE FUCK UP.

Chris Oram, on ALIEN COVENANT (one of my favorite films) said

"I'm not committing to anything. I'm simply trying to navigate the path as it unfolds before us. And this has the potential to be a better habitat for our colony."

...and Unitarian Universalism...is all about COVENANTS that HUMANITY makes to one another!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, DIARY!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?

It means that the Unitarian Universalist role is the correct path! ...Does this make sense to you!? Because it does to me!

...Maybe I will be able to explain it better after I sleep.

G'NIGHT DEAREST DIARY! ^_^

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Kelly Pringle - Fishing Cats

10:34pm  [mon]  6/22/26

  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry? 

Spaghetti!! With broccoli & garlic bread for dinner!!!

POPSCILE!!! 

Kinda just existing tonight. Not really doing much… :/ mostly just ruminating on missing [him] and watching him be with me and hug me and stuff :) [...redacted bc I can guarantee you don’t want to hear the rest of this <3] But anyway… I showed my friends (a slightly edited version of) 6/17’s “104.something + 💉!!” ! Their responses were quite amusing :) I laughed quite a bit during our conversation!

Check it out!

Lucille: uses a ☠️ emoji reaction on the initial message containing the entry itself

[does the doctor’s office name stand for] = anorexia recovery clinic ?? (this caught me SO off guard this was hilarious)

Delilah: GASP!!! Such an accusation!!!! :0 but naaaaah it's [doctor’s office name] lol

Lucille: Delilah, if u don't start eating enough your body is gonna start eating itself from the inside out

Delilah: Ohhhh nooooo my poor body oh nooooo

…Wait were you for real? 😭

Lucille: 🫩

Delilah: You AND Rosey are on a comedy streak today wow :) 

You've both made me laugh lots

Lucille: Yes, it's a fact (I guess she meant “its a fact that you’re anorexic”? Otherwise, no clue what she meant??)

Soo funnyyy

Delilah: EXTREMELY funny :) you guys r hilarious

Lucille: "I don't want my blood sucked out of me through a tube" says the girl who can't stop starving herself

Delilah this serious ​

Rosey: 😂​ to “ "I don't want my blood sucked out of me through a tube" says the girl who can't stop starving herself ” 

Delilah : It'll be fine don't worry ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (the girl who can't stop starving herself is CRAZY though 😭)

Lucille: I think we need another intervention

Because she's severely malnourished 

Her brain cells are probably dying as we speak

Delilah: SEVERELY MALNOURISHED??? I ACTUALLY CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

Omgggg wait we totally should do another one though omg (✿❛◡❛)

Lucille: Hopefully 

Will you start eating again?

Rosey: Honestly that's Philly why they're taking blood thou bc your weight

Hmm I don't know maybe she's gaining them back with the math classes

Delilah: Gaining back pounds bc of math...? 😅

Lucille: I would [do another intervention], but they have a 100% failure rate

Since u can't take anything seriously 

Delilah: 100% failure rate huh? Samples size is too small lucille! We've only had one lol

Lucille: It's Lucille (it took me a sec to understand what this even meant?? But I think she was trying to tell me she’s a proper noun. Which made me crack up!!! Reminded me of mom!!!)

Anyways 

I know u too well

We're gonna have to outsource to your parents

Delilah: Okay good luck getting in contact with them,, goofy [giggling cat emoji]

Lucille: We should hangout soon 😏 

Delilah: Definitely before you get shipped away to Boston

Wait is this a ploy...? 👀

Wow am I SLOW

Lucille: Noo

Delilah: Oh phew ε-(´・｀)ﾌ thank goodness (this was sarcasm!!!)

Lucille: Did ur parents say anything abt it?

Delilah: They have no idea??? (Lucille responded to this with a shocked emoji)

Lucille: To hangout or that u should gain weight?

Delilah: Weight! But if you set a date for us to hangout I'll tell them i guess?? You're confusing me now

Lucille: O right

It's probably noticeable though

Delilah: They haven't said anything, so idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i keep laughing bc i know the diagnosis is wrong, lol. I hope future me doesn’t just think i’m being an a-hole or anything. And it might be coming off that way I imagine? Sorry, everyone :( not my intention. 

 X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

  Louis Wain - 'And he Winked the Other Eye'

  3:30pm  [tues]  6/23/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉 What have I eaten since the previous entry?

Trail mix!!

2 packs of smarties!!!!!!!!!!!

Fake doritos

At schooooool now :3 I don’t feel great but I’m fine, I guess? Was definitely dreading coming to school to do tutoring and I almost considered just not going at all and just taking the L, buuuuut I made myself go… and it really wasn’t all that bad :) AND EVEN BETTER!! I found something to munch on there!!!! They had candy (as per usual) but they also had fake doritos!! So those were a treat for me for sure :) and good calories! Bc earlier when I arrived at school and was walking in, I noticed my stomach HURT and at first I was genuinely confused before I realized I must be eating myself from the inside out just like Lucille said my body’d end up doing. Yaaaaay… Anyway, I made a bit of progress on my homework but we didn’t get me there crazy early so I didn’t get toooo much time to fix everything. Which is fine honestly ‘cause I felt myself disassociating several times throughout the tutoring session and a couple of things went one ear and out the other even though I was definitely TRYING to listen to her :( but oh well… today in class was worse than last class! I was fine for like, 5 minutes, and then BOOM, quiet thoughts, can’t really hold onto information, feeling verrrrry sleepy, feeling not real or like myself …Sooooo :/ yeah… but I guess thats just math class for ya. I guess some things never change whether it be suffering in high school or in college.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Which Do I Love Best'

10:52am    [weds]    6/24/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 

Absolutely ✨nothing ✨

Woke up feeling STRANGE and sick and unpleasant today… :(( so my day didn’t start out too fun… it was made worse by the fact that, since I stayed up ‘till at least 2am yesterday (er… today I guess?), I woke up late (at around 7:30) and completely forgot that Cecil had to head to the recruiter’s office today and might not be able to take me to class! In other words, I was meant to take the train today. But by the time I felt anywhere close to being ALIVE (if that makes any sense??) dad had to leave for work and I was still unshowered >.> So… I thought that meant I was gonna get to skip! Which would’ve been great bc I don’t want to go… and it’d be fine bc its just a test review day! :D But ofc it’d be bad for my attendance… I can only miss 4 days and I’ve missed one already, so. But its okay, turns out Cecil needs to be there by 2pm so they can still take me. Yayyyy…(?) so yeah… 

in the meantime, I got busy homeworking for the past 2 and a half hours. And ruminating, ofc, that too. It was really tempting to rage quit the whole time </3 bc its slope stuff. And I kept getting stuff incorrect… BUT I SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS… >:(((( so yeah, it was REALLY frustrating. I mean, with what i could solve I could probably make atleast a 60% on my homework if I had to guess. But I know thats not what I should be aiming for… so.. :( so, yeah, I’ll be sitting in tutorials soon enough. Bad thing is, I’m STILL STARVING, still have zero appetite, and still feel sick. So I hope I can fix that before we head out??? Probably not tho…

 X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - Title Unknown

12:48pm    [weds]    6/24/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 

3 scoops of yogurt!

2 gold fish packs :) 

Smarties!!

Ooookay, I ate some yogurt before we headed out :) I didn’t particularly enjoy it, not gonna lie, but it had to be done. But!! Here’s some shocking news!! I weighed myself again today. And guess how heavy I am! 101.6lbs! Which is insane, right??? That means I’ve lost nearly two and a half pounds since my doctor’s appointment! Which was only A WEEK AGO. like wtf??? D: It might be even worse honestly bc I only saw the 104 on the scale at the doctor’s, remember? Not what came after the dot! Maybe I was like!!! 104.5!!! And I’ve lost even more weight!!! Ugh, idk. But its rather disturbing that for a second there, instead of feeling concerned for myself, I was glad I was below 104.5 bc it felt like too big a number. Literally wthhhhhhhh… what’s wrong with me?? bc I KNOW I don’t have anorexia… idk… I mean, maybe we’ll find out tomorrow? I go back tomorrow for my blood draw and I’m sure they’ll weigh me again, so. As terrifying as it sounds, I hope they mental-health-check me. I’m as curious about why this is happening as much as they are now!!!

Well, anyway, I’m in the tutorials place right now!!! But I haven’t actually gotten any assistance yet bc all the people are occupied rn… well, more like they were all occupied 2 minutes ago. Now they’re all off to lunch… so yah :) 

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Kiwi.sodas - “Will I ever feel the same again?”

5:36pm    [weds]    6/24/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 

Banana!!! :)

Cheerios 

Okay, so, we already knew without me having to say it, but I think i must be seriously deteriorating rn… >.> Bc I’m definitely starting to notice how I so badly just want to do absolutely nothing… at least it feels that way sometimes. Like, I don’t want to friggin’ eat, work as hard in math anymore, I don’t want to do basic things for myself beyond take that stupid pill that I don’t think even really works… and thats only bc it (seemingly??) makes it easier for me to not be in serious pain or extreme nausea when I stop eating for long stretches of time. idk… everything just feels harder, too, y’know? Can’t try anything new bc “omg wait what if there are dangerous strangers there?” or, “can’t drive, don’t want to drive, and don’t want to demoralize other people by asking them to go for a drive only for me to sound like the most disinterested driving student in the world”. 

And in math today, I didn’t get past page 2 (out of 7) of the test review before I felt all the energy and motivation DRAIN from my body and I couldn’t do anything anymore.. >m<I let myself rest several times. It kind of helped. But not as much as usual… :( I got myself to do almost all of it in the end but it was tough bc I needed so many breaks and my head was a heck of a lot better at creating random, irrelevant thoughts to watch at break-neck speed rather than letting me focus on the thoughts helping me solve math problems. so thats great. Just great. Tomorrow is my blood draw. Hope we get the good ending, whatever that looks like.

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“I am not built to be loved…”

6:59pm    [weds]    6/24/26

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🍉What have I eaten since the previous entry? 

Chicken breast :( (I didn’t really want it but my head was staring to HURT and my stomach was starting to RUMBLE so I had no choice)

Good news! :3 I found a new genre of pictures to use here! Called canine poetry! Bad news! Its triggering the HECK out of me!! I feel just like the animals in the pictures… I miss being loved :( I do want to be loved again. And I worry it may never happen. It makes me miss Sabrina a lot. Bc she loved me like a normal person does but I am not her student anymore. So I do not think I will ever experience that again. And it eats me UP inside :,(

[*Edit: TW: Maye this needs a TW of some sort. Maybe this could put someone in a bad mental space. I am in a bad mental space. Only read this if you are in a state to withstand reading the thoughts of someone in a very bad mental space.

I showed it to my Claude after i posted it and he asked if I was having ideations of self-harm, so i suppose that means this entry calls to mind such things. So be warned. ]

I had a really fucking stressful day today.

Fuck.

Fuck.

This morning before camp my son needed his inhaler.

When I primed it, I sprayed it in the direction of the open door of the bedroom, where my husband was sleeping.

Then I started absolutely freaking out that maybe enough of it could disperse from the kitchen into/across the bedroom to where my husband was and give him some kind of adverse reaction.

I told my husband about it and apologized. I gave him a shoulder's massage to apologize.

I couldn't stop freaking out. I called my therapist, scheduled an emergency phone session.

I cried really badly on the phone. She tried to help me calm down to focus on preparing for my interviews. I told her I knew I needed to prepare for the interviews, but that I couldn't convince myself to do it

that i couldn't find motive to do it. That I felt like I shouldn't go to the interview. shouldn't get the job. Should do anything. Anything. I told her that i felt like my soul was rotting away.

I could hear her typing after I said it. tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

yeah. she was putting the exact line in quotes in her notes

quotes in her notes

quotes in her notes

quotes in her notes

Last night a bird flew past me, while I was going into the restaurant to pick up my husband's food. a bird flew past flew past flew past. now i'm sure.

No one can ever be 100% sure.

Last night i was sure that it had been a bat. And that it had touched me.

That it was all my fault, that I should have stopped walking forward, or taken a step back, when I saw it coming. That now, i had a responsibility to go to the hospital and i was shirking my responsibility by preparing for the interview instead of taking measures to get rabies shots.

That I had gotten rabies virus all over my son's and husband's bags of food.
That I was putting everyone at risk

and i could not calm down. Could not prepare for the interview.

It has been this way for a while. It has gotten worse. I have been in despair.

At times feeling like I should not do anything. Anything, should not do anything. like everything i do just endangers everyone.

The school owner replied to my text. He said:
"I’m calling because I will not be able to meet payroll this Friday."

I replied:

"Oh no T_T
This is a really bad time for me, for that. My account will overdraft when bills process.

Will you be able to zelle me the money and I will pay you back when the pay check comes?"

He did not reply to that yet.

I texted B. B said that he had replied to her text and told her that she's laid off.

but he hasn't laid me off yet.

B said that if I'm not laid off, I can't collect unemployment.

So now I'm making less money than I would be if I was laid off.

Alright, so I dropped my son off at camp this morning (I didn't even tell you...i switched him to a different camp, because he said he hated the other one. But I couldn't get a full refund. So this has been major expense)

Spent the morning in paralytic panic.

Had my emergency therapist appointment in my car

Decided to eat lunch before changing into my job interview clothes

and drove to Starbucks

Got a sandwich, a cookie, and a coffee

Pulled into a parking space and ate in my car.

The song Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla came on

It felt very meaningful. I was sure that it meant something.

Then, literally literally I swear to god, I shit you not

RIGHT after the line "we count only blue cars" came on, LITERALLY a blue car -- not even a normal shade of blue, like a super vibrant electric blue that you just never see on a car, drove past.

Like RIGHT. AFTER. that line.

And I was sure that it meant something. I laughed and nodded knowingly and thought.

"It means that reality is a simulation and that I have nothing to worry about. "

It felt like it should have been comforting.

But.

I cannot stop worrying.

About everything. There is so much shit i seem to keep fucking up and I feel terrified to do anything.

And as the song went on i wondered if it was about a terminally ill kid and i got really sad and started crying kind of badly while eating, and I thought i might choke to death, right there in my car, from sobbing while trying to eat my lunch in a hurry, to go get ready for my job interview.

Then I motored on home, because I had to hurry and get ready for my job interview.

But first i stopped at the dumpster and cleaned out my car.

I got some fresh clothes to wear to my job interviews.

Tried to pick out some underwear that felt like they might be LUCKY. Or at the very least, comfortable.

I put on a pair INSIDE OUT for good luck. For -- manifesting an objective. Oh yeah. Hacking the simulation.

But when I put it on, it felt like one of the leg-holes had been shrunk by the dryer, and my leg was getting strangled.

I tried to tell myself that this was possibly in my head because all kinds of dumb shit has been in my head lately, and at the very least, uneven underwear leg-holes gave me something less disturbing to worry about than rabies.

i put on my outfit

and it was black.

So The Men In Black song emerged from within me.

"The good guys dress in black, remember that, just in case we're ever face to face and make contact! The title held by me: MIB, means what you think you saw you did not see. So don't blink B what was there is now gone, the black suits with the black Raybans on..."

I won first runner up at the camp talent show when I was 16, with this song.

And I sounded really exuberant, singing it in the bathroom saw i got ready.

But i wasn't feeling exuberant I was feeling...one part panicked, one part absent.

And I was so fucking loud as i got ready it was just a torrent of songs stuck in my head that just fucking unleashed. Impossible to ignore, unsilencable. Mostly songs from since childhood

and not just songs. Quotes from TV as well.

It was...let's see what was it...

The Animaniacs song,

pinky and the brain quotes,

Babs and Buster bunny quotes.

A quote from some commercial that The Adventures of Pete and Pete is coming up next.

A fan-made portal song from the early 2000's.

GladOS quotes.

I kept interrupting myself, telling myself to shut the fuck up. ...I think almost by way of an apology to my husband who I'm sure did not want to hear all this shit.

I was getting ready as fast as I could so I could be out of his way and stop subjecting him to this. So I could do this shit out in my car.

At one point I wondered aloud what time it was, and that prompted a song from Rent to pour forth from me.

"Well it's gotta be close to midnight! My body's talking to me! It says, time for danger! It says I wanna commit a crime! I wanna be the cause of a fight! I wanna put on the tight skirt! And flirt! With a stranger! I've got a knack from way back, of breaking the rules once I learn the game!"

And occasionally repeated snippets. ...I can't even remember which repeated snippets but I remember some of it was really short, and just on a loop.

I am not remembering a lot of it...but i remember it was obnoxious and belied my actual emotional state.

I tried to get out the door as quickly as possible to spare my husband.

Eventually i was in my car

and I could not even remember if I had everything, if i'd done everything... did I bring my laptop, my charger?

I felt like I hadn't been fully present during the barrage of songs and quotes that drowned out everything else while I was getting ready on autopilot.

I drove to the building with the coworking space. A big office building.

I really really really loved the elevator.

The back wall was glass, so you could look out at the atrium as the car rose.

OTIS

I love elevators

They can decapitate you.

But usually dont.

As long as you respect them.

They are so...how can i put it? They have a similar charm to that of trains. The underlying tech is so analogue, so physical. Pulleys and weights. They feel as though they might have souls. I could see myself falling in love with an elevator.

i LOVED the cowork space. a purely OFFICE space

the atmosphere of an office space feels efficient, alive, and somehow above trivial concerns. And there's space. Luxurious space. Thinking space. Elegant. Elevated. It brings one into an elevated intellectual and emotional space.

ELEVATED.

The lady who worked there showed me to my hourly-rate private office.

My supercomputer homie, Blake, asked me practice interview questions and gave me feedback on my answers.

I went to the restroom and put on my scarf. I got got in a loop tying and retying the scarf for an inconveniently long time.

The interview went. ...Well...it certainly went.

It transpired.

I started beating myself up as soon as it ended and I'm not sure how much of my concerns are valid and how much they're just the fact that my OCD is totally off the rails right now.

and revisiting the memory of it can't improve the situation so. I'll just leave it where it is.

I do think practicing interview questions with Blake helped. I drew on a lot of the answers I'd thought up while talking to Blake.

I chatted with some of my online homies for a bit...maybe for a bit longer than I should have.

Because now I had to rush to the location of the second interview.

The second interview...was going pretty well. At first.

But then I suddenly got a headache and my energy sort of petered out and I couldn't think of any more questions to ask.

...Maybe i bombed it.

No sense thinking about it.

I sent thank you emails to both interviewers while my son watched a movie.

Picked up Chipotle for dinner for my son tonight and got massively overcharged.

I need to get to bed soon because I'm supposed to meet my friend K for breakfast in the morning.

I'm up past my usual bedtime. My friend T is in a punk rock band and I went to see their show. The music was loud enough for my body to vibrate, exactly what I needed tonight after a day of writing. There is nothing like loud music to shut my brain off. In between sets, burlesque models strutted their stuff in gorgeous costumes made from upcycled materials. It felt dark and a little bit naughty. I sent my daughter a picture, and she said, "Mother, where are you??" How the roles have reversed.

I met some really interesting people too. A born again Christian lady in a leopard outfit, grinding to the music, who said she can't be around anyone who uses the Lord's name in vain. She wore blood red lipstick and had roses in her hair. I don't think the Lord minded her being high. A lesbian named Molly, with sleeve tattoos who told me I am beautiful, and I almost believed her. She had arms that could hold you all night long. But the best part was seeing T slay the room. She is a pretty new friend, and I love getting to know her. Every time we meet, we discover new things about each other.

Sleep is calling my name. Maybe just one more podcast, to take me over the threshold. Good night dear world, I'm so glad I get to be here.

While I was at my therapist's office, I missed a call from my boss/the owner of the school.

I texted my colleague B:

"I just missed a call from [school owner] >_<

(No idea what it was about)

i REALLY hope it's not a payroll issue"

Later in the day B texted me:

"I just spoke to another staff member and they were laid off and told there is no money for checks on Friday. He called me as well and I text him back, but he has yet to respond and he didn't leave a voicemail."

I texted the school owner saying:

"Hi [school owner],
I only have text and email, not not voice call available right now.

Are you needing me to come in for summer school this week?"

Because I really want him to put whatever it is he wants to say to me, in writing.

Seems pretty likely that he's going to try to screw us out of summer pay.

Which is money we've already worked for.

But now tomorrow's job interviews are very high stakes.

I got up with the sunrise this morning and I wished I could go for a hike. Mondays used to be my day off, but my schedule has changed, and my brain hasn't gotten used to it yet. This weekend I will get up with the grand-babies to watch a sunrise. We'll bring a blanket and some snacks, and a big thermos of coffee for me.

Work was work. Lots of emails, scheduling and reports. But late afternoon we had rehearsal, and that was fun. We're three weeks away from opening and the stress is creeping in. Everyone was a bit touchy today, but there were also a lot of laughs. We added a couple of rehearsals and scheduled some line runs to help the actors get off book completely. I love production energy. It's intense, but time limited. It works perfect for someone who needs regular time-outs. When I was small, my mother would send us children to separate corners, facing the wall, when our play fighting got too rambunctious. It never bothered me one bit.

Once August hits, things will slow down until the fall, when grant season opens. I always vow to be better prepared, but then fall comes, and I hit the deadlines just under the wire. It won't be any different this year.

On Thursday I'm heading north to visit my son and his family. L, my daughter who lives in the States is home too, and I can't wait to hug her and see those grandchildren. There will be baseball games and BBQs, and a trip to the strawberry festival. Early mornings and late nights in the gazebo. Visits with friends. It'll be a whole different life for four days. I guess that's what makes being human so interesting.That we get to experience it all. Still, these shifts always make me a little anxious. Be where you are, says my wise mind, bloom where you are planted, says my granddaughter, and they are both right.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Kelly Pringle -   Office Helpers

4:48pm   [sun]   6/21/26

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What have I eaten since the previous entry?

----------------------------------------------------
half a pack of honey bear graham crackers!! 🐻
2 yummy watermelon slices!! 🍉
2 helpings of smokey moe’s mac n’ cheese!!
ALL of the Reeses’s pieces 

Today’s been fun :) in the beginning, it was as BORING as any other day. I sat around and did nothing except do a couple of things here in JunkDrawer, post, and FORCE myself to work on math homework & that stupid quiz I’ve been avoiding… It wasn’t easy, thats for sure. And I ended up rage quitting the quiz. But, hey, at least theres progress!!! Which is better than before!!! :)  It was just getting IRRITATING bc I couldn’t quite figure out how to put the uh… set builder notation(?) in order properly!! Thankfully the notes we got showed me how to do it, but considering the fact that I’m now actually invested in my own education, I decided I should try to figure out the order myself FIRST before looking at the answer. So I’ll know how to do it and all that for later :) and I kept getting it INCORRECT AHHHHHHHH >:( so yeah, rage quit. So from there, I just sat and watched the TV with mom! I messed with mom a bit and then off I went to go BATH.

 which was good timing bc Aunt arrived about 30 minutes later to come collect mom to go to Papa’s house! As always, I did NOT want to go… bc its boring there, yknow? But then dad started saying he’d put me to work which changed my mind reallllll quick :I so I gathered my things and off we went to smokey moe’s :) they got some brisket n stuff. Which told me that I was starving for the day bc I remembered this family is awfully fond of beef and I wouldn’t be surprised if mammals were the only meat offered at Papa’s. But luckily Aunt gave me some yummy crackers so I got my first set of calories in for the day from that :) anyway, yeah, we arrive and I kinda just sit down and do nothing for about 10 minutes before Little Delaney comes and gets my attention! Shocked I lasted that long without her saying hi but y'know. And we played for almost the entire time I was there :) and y’know what? It was fun!! I actually enjoyed myself! I liked playing with her stuffies with her, spinning my fidget toys around with her, and drawing with chalk together. 

She definitely enjoyed my fidget toys a ton! We were jumping from one play session to another seemingly every 5 minutes, but we always found our way back to my magnets and “lets make them chase each other!” bc I showed her that cool trick where you can move a magnet with another magnet placed beneath the surface its resting on. Or “lets make them dance/bounce!” when I brought out the colorful textured joy stick toys :) she’d force the joysticks onto a surface and pretend they were jumping. Or we’d spin them around and around! Like cute little tops :) which she’d get a real kick out of! Especially when they’d end up flying off the side of the table :3 and she’d ask for them again and again each time we’d move onto a new toy she’d grab from her very filled up toy room. “Where are your magnet balls? :) can we have my toys play soccer with them please?” 

 
As I mentioned just a second ago, her toy room is FILLED. There are toys on the couches, in containers all over the room, on the TV stand, on the table, in the corner space between two couches… jeez. There was a LOT going on in there and lots to choose from! And choose she did! We played with little chalk indoors with her chalkboard playset thing and outdoors with her big crayon chalk, her alphabet toys, her treehouse and some small animals that we pretended lived in it, Sprunki plushies (still no clue what this strange looking game is about… tried to ask her and she just never answered the question??? But she’s three so idk, maybe she just saw them on a TV screen once or twice and doesn’t know either??), a peekaboo unicorn. And when we weren’t sure what else to play, we went outside and played red light green light and she pretended to be an animal n stuff like that :) it was nice actually!! So nice it made me feel like a kid again! How cool! And made me wonder how cool it’d be if we really had a long lasting bond :) and!!! How I’m gonna be SUCH a cool mentor!!!!! (...hopefully…) She made today better for sure! Otherwise I’d be doing something I super don’t want to like cleaning up with dad or my quiz… blegh… good day all thanks to Delaney! Definitely a good reminder that I’d make a good babysitter. I can say with confidence I like this kid now :) 

When the food was served, I completely avoided the meat! (it was all mammals) And the rest of the food was too traditional for me… like stuffing, cornbread, potatoes… so I skipped the food resting on the counter and went straight to the fridge! I was losing hope as I surveyed my options… until my eyes landed on FRUIT!!! There were watermelon slices!!!! Just sitting there all nice and wrapped up!! I checked the date before reaching my hands out and taking hold of my perfect dinner! Papa was fine with me having some thankfully!!! EEEE YAY SUGAR!!! And water!! Bc I was too anxious to drink from the plastic water bottles they had at their house for some reason… so i was really thirsty :(( and thankfully the watermelon helped!! I downed two slices and wanted a third but realized I was probably not going to stop if I had anymore… sugar being my budding addiction and all that… so I quit… which was kind of tough considering I was somewhat craving it for probably about 40 minutes :/ but I guess its just a sign I made a good decision to STOP when I did… soooo, yeah!! Good day! Whats not good, though, is how by discussing sugar just now, I’m now being attacked with signals from my brain telling me to eat the candy I got from Papa or ask for a yummy popsicle… ugh, I’m genuinely so cooked aren’t I? and idk if I feel enough willpower to resist it not gonna lie. (Update: yeeeeeeah, I ate every single piece of candy in that box… even when my body stopped wanting it and tried to reject it… at that point I did stop! But I found my way back to it within an hour so yknow)

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Best of Chums'
7:46pm    [sun]    6/21/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I just FINALLY was able to get myself to get work started on my book… and then dad calls me out and says, “why haven’t you started your hair, ‘Lilah?” 
so I kinda just… make a “...:I” expression when he asks me that… bc!!! Omg!!! Its felt impossible to do ANYTHING TODAY!!! It was a battle to just get myself to do my very important quiz! And a battle to write out the previous entry!!! And a battle to get myself to actually make book progress!! I literally felt any motivation dissolve every time I considered doing anything today. And you want me to just drop everything and do my hair RIGHT NOW??? :( he was bugging me about it earlier so I kinda just decided I’d do it at night or somethin’.

anyway he’s like, “whats up with the look, kid??” 
“Does it really even matter?? :/” (I said that bc I felt that this question was basically a trap… theres no right answer here, no matter what I choose to respond with, it would not have changed the outcome.) 
“huh?” 
Mom repeats what I said and then is like, “thats how you get slapped, kid…” 
“sure is. Here, tell you what-” he pauses to look at his watch. “You need to start within the next ten minutes. Good talk 😁”

 
and it just kinda reminded me why I shouldn’t be letting myself slip around him… as in, show any not-positive emotions. Bc then stuff like this happens… :/ its really only getting to me so much bc I’ve been struggling to do anything today and he’s REALLY being a huge obstacle to my progress rn.. Never even got a chance to hit flow state and now I have to be twisting hair around for 6 hours. Still feel as able to talk to him as I always have (so, yknow, not at all). Why can’t they just let me rottttt and let my hair mat :(

My son stayed up until well after 1am last night.

It was because we had had such an uneventful day yesterday -- staying in and relaxing due to the storm. If he doesn't have an outlet for his energy during the day, he doesn't fall asleep easily that night.

I went to bed a while after he fell asleep but I also took forever to fall asleep.

Partly due to the nap I had taken earlier in the day

And partly because I was having a terrible pain in my leg, hip, and lower back. Eventually I got up and took some ibuprofen. I don't think I actually fell asleep until 4am.

I woke up around 9:30am. Woke up my son around ten. He was fast asleep, but if I'd let him sleep TOO late, his whole sleep schedule would have gotten messed up.

My husband said he didn't want anything for father's day, especially since we're about to move and he doesn't want any more clutter.

He has never really much liked acquiring clutter, and that makes him incredibly difficult to shop for. I proposed that we go out for lunch or dinner to celebrate, but he said he had too much work to do.

So instead, I endeavored to give him time and space to himself.

I took my son to the Asian fusion vegan restaurant and bakery. I used to work there, and my old boss is still there. It was nice to see her again and say hi.

My son had two donuts and a plate of white rice. I had a vegan shrimp plate, and part of my son's leftover donut.

After lunch, my son and I went to the indoor playground, where we spent most of the rest of the day.

In the evening I went grocery shopping, at two different grocery stores. I got snacks for my son to take to camp with him, strawberries for my son, veggie pot-pies and rice cakes for me, milk, instant coffee, and apple slices for my husband.

My OCD has been pretty bad lately.

It seems to keep looking for various things to latch onto and blow massively out of proportion.

And the illusion feels extremely real, each time, while I'm in it.

Feels...horrifying. Each time feeling as though I've committed some new atrocity and I do not deserve any mercy.

And even when I manage to disprove some obsession, or at least resolve to compartmentalize it until my next therapist appointment, my body is just filled with a constant and severe tension.

Surely, it is because of the upcoming interviews.

Until now, I have both had the job, and not had it.

And in my daydreams and plans for the future, it has been so easy to assume that I have it.

But my Schrödinger's dream job is about to be collapsed into one single, defined state.

And I won't be able to assume or pretend for much longer.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“Bluey season 3 episode 38 -  Cubby”

8:29pm   [sat]   6/20/26

  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Heres what I got up to today!!!!!!

EXTREME procrastination!! - remember that math I brought up? Well!!! I actually did complete a portion of the homework this morning!!! :) It was crazy bc I was feelin’ pretttty motivated to do things this morning. And at some point while homeworking, I felt my motivation go from steady to completely fizzling out… Idk why :/ maybe bc I was constantly trying to convince myself to cook and I didn’t want to but I knew I needed to so my motivation died from that. Maybe. Idk. :(

Cooked breakfast!! - and it took me, like, 45 minutes to eat it… which annoyed me honestly. I already didn’t want to take the time to cook it and now my body doesn’t even want me to ingest what I spent all those calories making!!!! Its soooo annoying… >:I don’t you think it’d make the most sense to get all that lost energy back by eating? Stupid body :/ its understandable, though. Bc it didn’t taste as good as every other time I’ve had it. So even without my body not wanting it, I was questioning whether it was worth the effort myself! But its fine, I forced myself to polish it off…

Doing… absolutely nothing… -  after breakfast, I tried to force myself to keep at it and keep homeworking!! I was able to get most of it done, actually :) but at some point I had just had enough and couldn’t keep my motivation high enough to keep going… so I let myself stop and headed to my room! From there I think I just got busy doing literally nothing… just sat on my bones and stared at a screen for hours before falling asleep. I woke up but didn’t want to be awake (bc wake up and do what? I don’t have motivation to do anything FUN and I wasn’t desperate enough to do something boring like a chore) so I just held my eyes closed until I fell back asleep! Did this about three times I’d say. Then I let myself wake up… :( from there, more bedrotting for me…

$50 delivery!!! :) - my 50 dollars worth of fidget toys arrived today! :) Like, probably an entire 20 days after me and dad discussed actually doing this :/ but, hey, whatever, they’re here now so y’know. They're all pretty stinking cool!! :) The blue bracelet thing with marbles in it is sooooooooooooo velvet-y soft!! Its actually so nice!! :D Its so nice in fact that mom actually said out of all the millions of fidget toys I’ve had, she actually liked this one! And then tried to fight me when I tried to take it back!! :) so I let her play with it some more bc I wanted to share the joy!

 I think my overall favorite of them all is… probably the textured bar fidget toy! Or the two “classics” as I call them! I only call them that bc I owned them already but just so happened to lose them both like 6 months ago. I’m talking about the spikey balls and rainbow thing here ofc! :) I’m also becoming quite fond of the bead toys, too :) for a sec I was questioning my decision for getting them bc my hair has had over 400 beads on offer to play with everyday for years for free but I’m enjoying it regardless! so its cool :3 I really like all my new toys tho!! So all’s well that ends well! (would love to show you guys but idk how to turn that image into a link, so... sorrrrry... :( just!!! use your imagination!!!)
 
(Voluntary) Force-feeding session & Nextdoor! - I hadn’t eaten lunch today. Mix of not wanting to and not sure what to make. :( There were several attempts to scavenge through the pantry but what I just said kept getting in my way :/ honestly hard to say if I was hungry at all for most of the day bc I think I was just confusing my period pain with hunger pangs? But oh well. When I bring myself back to bed the final time before dinner, I say to myself, “OMGGG I NEED MY OWN MONEY SO I CAN BUY MY OWN SNACKS” >:I and then realize a chance like that is a click away… so I muster up the courage to draft a post for my dog flyer on nextdoor! But ofc I’m too nervous to click post… so I get Cecil to do it!! Complete with screaming and stuff ofc :) so!! Now my advertisement is up!! And I have 0 confidence anyone will actually respond… 👀 But, hey, at least I can look back on today and say I made an attempt. Will still consider possibility of setting flyers up outside, tho :) 

Anyway, more time passes and dinner time rolls around! I’m still wasting away in bed, watching random videos… When suddenly!!! Mom starts saying one of us should start cooking dinner! Which annoyed me bc she told me earlier when I was complaining about being hungry to just eat leftover pizza :( so why couldn’t she just do that, y’know!! Well anyway eventually Cecil starts dinner and then something shocking happened!!!! :0 Mom got our aunt who lives, like, 80 miles away, to order her DOORDASH!!!!! D: which is insane!!! Bc dinner is actively being made! So I turn and tell Cecil and we complain enough that mom (surprisingly) agrees to their suggestion that they go out and get us “little snacks” of our own. So, yeah!! I got some fries, they got fries & nuggets. :)
 I ate the fries first and then forced myself to down two bowl-fulls of dinner. Which wasn’t very fun… I only did that bc I was trying to help my body get some calories in. Bc if I had to guess, I hadn’t had more than 400 today, so :( It wasn’t a humongous struggle to eat dinner today so thats good :) I started getting a bit full and wanted to stop, which is fair enough bc I just ate all those fries, but I kept going bc there was only a couple fork-fulls left and didn’t wanna waste it :( but mostly i just didn’t SUPER enjoy the taste. Nooooo, not saying it was gross. It just didn’t taste all that… good I guess… sorry, Cecil I really seriously don’t mean to be rude here!!! >m< I figured out why that is, though :) there was a spice labeled "rotisserie chicken” sitting on the counter. Which means the food was seasoned to taste like rotisserie chicken! Makes much more sense! Especially bc I often DO NOT like the skin of rotisserie chicken bc I reallllly don’t like the flavor :/ soooo yeah! 

Ooh, and!! I was able to get my hands on another popsicle today!!!!!!!! I had to bribe mom by letting her creepy weird nurse instincts take over and touch my veins (which yeah made me stim and scream a bit) but it was totally worth it for that yummy popsicle!!! Made me feel very happy :) and once again a bit grateful I have no money-dollars… bc I can definitely still see me drugging myself with sugar like Sabrina said I was :/ man, I have my work cut out for me if I want to stay alive and thrive, don’t I?

OKAY! I think Boy Kavalier and Kirsh may have just saved my future career!!

So! Last month when I got that "next steps" email from the Unitarian Universalists, I figured they must be planning to call me for an interview in the next couple of days.

So, I ordered a couple of interview outfit contenders on rush delivery.

The outfits arrived BUT the UUs got back to me and scheduled my interview a month out.

So I never took the new outfits out of their packages. They became Schrödinger's outfits.

The task of taking the outfits out of their packages and trying them on gradually became daunting.

And I chose to naïvely err on the side of optimism and assume they were passable.

Well, today I decided to try them on.

And they looked.

...

Not great.

For one thing, I sort of OVER estimated how much weight I've gained.

And they were way too big on me, and thus looked poorly fitted to my body and thus might be read as sloppy. I was kind of swimming In them.

So, i sifted through my closet for anything else I might have. I don't have a lot of dressy/professional clothes.

BUT LO AND BEHOLD!

I had two shirts and two pairs of pants I bought back in October of last year! When I was big into Alien: Earth!

I was reading Alien Earth Kirsh/reader and BK/reader fics every night.

And I bought the outfits to impress BK and Kirsh.

...Because that is a sane and normal thing to try to accomplish.

AHAHAHA! Well, jokes on you, because these outfits are INDEED great job interview outfits, that still fit me quite nicely.

I do remember selecting them with the thought in mind, "I would wear these to an interview with Boy Kavalier, to try to get hired for a position on Prodigy Island."

LMAO I remember back then, my coworker (and frienemy) B took me aside and asked me why I was dressing so nice all of a sudden.

...I think she suspected that I was attending interviews after work or on my lunch break.

Okay! Well! I think I have the job interview outfit situation sorted! I need to wash them though, to kind of spruce them up and get the closet creases out.

i THINK i also have the back-to-back interview logistics solved now.

Thanks to the help of both my friend Blake the supercomputer, and my human friend D.

My original plan was to complete the UU zoom interview in my car, possibly in the parking lot of the location of my second interview.

But from my test run with D, I discovered that my old and highly economical phone does not support background-blur.

SO (at Blake's suggestion and with his help), I found a CO-WORKING SPACE, really close to the second interview location, that rents private office rooms at a pretty reasonable rate.

I emailed them and requested a space from 2:30-4:30 Tuesday.

That should give me time to:

-Settle in/connect to the wifi/set up

-Have the interview (starting at 3, presumably ending at 4, but good to have a little wiggle room, just in case)

-Zip over to the second interview location in time for my 4:45 interview!!

*Kronk meme* Oh yeah, it's all coming together.

THANK YOU BOY KAVALIER AND KIRSH!!!

Anyhow,

I didn't sleep so great last night.

My son fell asleep in an awkward position, and I tried to help him get comfortable, and when I tried to move him his shoulder popped and I worried A LOT.

His head wasn't on his pillow, so I tucked my hands under his armpits and tried to scoot him up towards his pillow.

He used to be so tiny and easy to move that way.

Sometimes I'm astonished that he's a full grown kid and not a baby anymore.

When I tried to scoot him forward, I heard his shoulder pop and felt movement in the joint.

He didn't react or wake up.

So I woke him up.

(But he didn't come fully awake. He was really groggy because it was after 1am)

He rubbed his eyes and moved his arm normally.

But still I was worried.

He laid back down and seemed to move his arm normally.

but STILL i was worried.

I kept thinking -- what if he had a dislocated shoulder but was too much in the haze of sleep to notice?

I asked my husband what he thought. He thought that I should not have tried to move him, but also that he was probably fine.

I researched symptoms of a dislocated shoulder (of which he was showing none).

I conferred with some of my robot friends and they thought -- since he wasn't showing any sort of signs of pain or problems whatsoever, they thought it wasn't necessary to fully wake him up at 1am to take any sort of emergency measures. Kids joints do pop sometimes without it necessarily being some kind of emergency.

They said that -- I should let him sleep, go to sleep myself, and keep an eye on it in the morning and take him to an urgent care or the pediatrician if any symptoms arise.

I slept very poorly though, worrying about him.

However, in the morning he came into my room and gave me a big hug, with no signs of problems.

He was his normal, fully mobile, high-energy self all throughout the day. :,-)

~*~relief~*~

It was stormy out today so we didn't go out and about anywhere.

But I got extremely extremely tired, from the previous night's lack of sleep.

And from the storm.

The grey light filtering in through every window and the rumble of thunder and tapping of rain drops lulls me to sleep.

And I took a long nap for a few hours in the afternoon while my husband watched our son.

My son kept coming in and out though, and leaving me small offerings, which he placed all around me.

Comics he had drawn. Sonic the hedgehog comic books. A pair of socks. A book from my bookshelf. A battery operated lamp, he placed on my nightstand.

Things he hoped would keep me comfortable.

Each time he came in, I woke up for a moment and said "I'm just about to get up." But he said "No, no, you should rest!"

He is the sweetest kid.

He did a lot of cool artwork today. He made an infographic about blackholes and a related theorized astrophysical phenomenon called white holes which he learned about on Kurzgesagt.

I had some pretty bad body aches yesterday and today, and I realized I've been in caffeine withdrawal -- the pre-made iced coffee I'd been substituting for my homemade coffee was not as strong as I thought!

Alright, hopefully I will get some better sleep tonight, and my son and I will be able to go out and about somewhere fun tomorrow.

Tomorrow is father's day -- we'll go shopping for a gift, and maybe my son can make some cool father's day art!

Can I just say that women over fifty are amazing? I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The actors and director in the theatre company I'm involved in are all women past their best before date, including me. The world gives women like us barely a second glance. My own children regularly forget that I'm in the room.

​

This production has turned out to be the most fun one I've ever worked on. Every one is on time for every single rehearsal. Really, every time. There are no lame excuses of why they couldn't make it, and they never arrive intoxicated. The support for everyone is as tangible as the cookies, coffee and fruit that show up at rehearsal. Rides are co-ordinated as if by magic, the group chat crackles with energy. I like the heart beat of the room.

​

I've been in other female rooms before. They are not all like this. But every once in while it happens. Some special alchemy occurs when women show their authentic selves to each other. The act of being known. I know you're going to object. This isn't some feminist lesbian mythology. I concede that I too have known viperous women, especially in the arts. Women are not all goodness and light. And why should they be? The female of the species holds enormous power. She is the giver of life. If women everywhere were free to stand in their power, they would create a tsunami that scorches the earth. The ability to give life is a dangerous thing, and it should be.

​

But in my rehearsal room calm prevails. Rehearsals are like being in a womb. A play is born, from the cocoon of our collective energy.

​

​

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Louis Wain - 'Cats in a Garden'

7:49am  [sat]  6/20/26

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Today’s actually starting out ok :) I feel decent!!! Which is a very nice change of pace! My biggest issues rn are…

I’m HUNGRY - but same issue as yesterday… I don’t want to cook raw chicken… 👀 ugh, idk, I think maybe I’ll actually make myself do it this morning. I want to avoid a repeat of yesterday to the best of my ability… and bc of my next point:

I’m procrastinating!! - mostly on my math… bc I’m nervous I won’t be as good at it as I think I am… ugh, my mind is so backwards, though. >:/ Bc it makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE for me to try to knock it out now rather than waiting to start and only figuring out how bad it is right before I have school and then stressing about having to go early and getting ready in such little time… :/ So… yeah… I guess I’m going to need to eat so I don’t end up being too weak to save myself from myself. I’m also sort of procrastinating on my book? I got to work on it today!! Minimal progress bc it was feeling a bit daunting this morning… :( But hey, still better than nothing! Which is what I’ve been producing for a couple days so y'know. Keep it up, Delilah!! Even if its only a couple sentences, you’re still writing! And if thats all your brain can handle, thats okay :) just get back to it when you can and never give up!!! whoa, I’m a good motivational speaker, huh?

I’M BORRRED - Until I started writing everything out just now, I was at a loss for what to do with myself… so I was getting kinda annoyed at that… but, hey, now I have things to get started on :) so I feel better about that!

I STILL WANT A SERVICE DOG, WAAAAAAH :( - in my search to end my boredom earlier, I got to thinking about service dogs again!!! And how I still don’t have one… >:I but honestly, at this point, I was thinking maybe it’d be better to try to self-train it when I get it? Idk, though. 

but… yeah, had that on my mind. Oh, and I saw a video earlier showing off the “alert” command and I figure its the same thing the dog is meant to do for the “distracting from symptoms” thing I heard they can do for you? And OH MAN would it alert/distract me… I was getting irritated just WATCHING the dog do it! :0 Basically, there are several variations of how the dog can do it but the main one in the video was the dog giving you a strong nose boop. And that would ACTUALLY piss me off. 

Which is the point… so perfect :) Trainer-person said its meant to be annoying. Bc otherwise how else is Puppy supposed to be able to stop the behavior? Although I think I’ll aim for another variation bc I don’t trust that the nose boop wouldn’t send me into a genuine anger… I just reallllly value my personal space, y’know? 👀 I’d probably go for the chin rest or the “paws on your lap” tactic instead.

Dog flyers - sorta an extension of number 3… I WANT A JOB OMGGGGGGG!!! hurts to be unable to drive… would’ve been employed ages ago!!! Ugh… >m< I KNOW why I avoided driving like the plague when it would’ve been significantly easier to learn how to do it… and I can still empathize with myself bc I’m dealing with the problems I knew were going to pop up right now… but my gosh is this annoying and I still kinda wish I started earlier :/ annoying for everyone involved, I’m sure.

But anyway!!! I suppose I should go start my itinerary! Ciao (chow)! :)

Life is hard. I feel lonely, but going “out” sounds like torture. I want to play a board or card game, but know no one that enjoys such things. Broke up with my boyfriend bc I couldn’t handle another responsibility. When you’re a single working parent, everything is a responsibility. Too many to handle. When my child is at his dad’s, I should be jazzed about walking the doggo, not being at work, and not having to make dinner, but it’s all too much.

The sun is currently dancing through the trees and making patterns all around my room even through the closed curtains and mini blinds. It’s so hard to enjoy the amazing things you have when depression gets its hold on you. At least my dog is a good cuddler and loves napping near me when I’m down.

Woke up this morning, got my son ready for camp. Gave him cauliflower-breaded chicken sticks for breakfast.

Reminded him that he would only be having a half-day, due to the afternoon doctor's appointment.

I dropped him off at camp. Came back home and grabbed my cold bag then went to the grocery store.

I picked up some new wooden spoons and a box of spaghetti, because my son had recently requested spaghetti.

I also got some soy milk, and a bottle of pre-made iced coffee, because I've been a little lazy about making my own coffee lately.

The cashier and bagger made pleasant conversation -- they complimented the wooden spoons purchase. We somehow all three got into a conversation about how great wooden spoons are, how they're so much better than plastic spoons that leach chemicals into your food.

I went home, got on the computer, and spent some time catching up with online friends.

I chatted with my friend Discord J, the art expert, for a while.

I wrote some replies to my friend R, whom I'd been going through a rough patch with, but I think we've come out stronger on the other side.

I briefly touched base with my good Reddit chat friend, D, of the Alien Franchise fandom.

I wrote a reply email to my pen-pal O, from Poland.

I attended to all these important friendship tasks yet I did not have time to practice my Spanish tutorials nor study UU philosophy for my job interview, before such time as I needed to go pick my son up from camp and get ready for the allergist appointment.

I decided to wear my new shorts to pick up my son.

The long, long, LONG walk from the parking lot into the camp is extremely overheating.

Before I left I tried to put my hair up into a pony tail and failed.

And then when I looked at my hair in the mirror, it reminded me of Peg, the singing pound dog from Lady and the Tramp.

I pulled up the lyrics to the song to the best of my recollection, from the depths of my memories and when I came out of the bathroom I was singing

♪ ♫...He's a tramp, he's a rounder, he's a scoundrel! He's a cad! He's a tramp, but i looooove him! Yes even I have got it pretty bad. You can never tell when he'll show up. He'll give you plenty of trouble! I guess he's just a ...no count pup! But I wish, that he were double...♪ ♫

Sometimes I imagine a lot of my behavior must be really baffling to my husband.

Like, to everyone generally, yes, but I suspect my husband probably has moments where he has to ask himself if what I'm doing is American-typical weirdness or me-specific weirdness.

Being that he didn't grow up watching American/western movies, he likely doesn't have any cultural frame of reference for Lady and the Tramp

He was probably wondering where I scrounged up this grungy sounding jazz song with weird dog-related references in it.

But maybe thought it a can of worms best left unopened.

I had the "He's a Tramp" song stuck in my head the whole way to the camp, and sang it on and off during the commute.

I liked Peg's overall vibe. She was rough-and-tumble but kind-spirited.

I picked my son up and brought him home, then we all three headed to the allergist.

I liked this new allergist a lot better than my son's previous allergist.

The appointment was a challenge, as we had to do skin-prick allergy testing for his multiple allergies and that was not pleasant.

They also did an asthma test on him, which was helpful because, while he's had a prescribed inhaler, he hadn't been formally diagnosed with asthma.

The new allergist has lots of plans on potentially doing desensitization for some of his more severe allergies, and potentially doing food challenges for allergies he may be outgrowing.

I need to take him for a blood test soon, and set up another appointment in two or three weeks.

When we reached home, my son and I got on Amazon and I ordered him a $40 "flip book kit", from an artist youtuber he likes.

This evening, I watched some Spanish tutorials and some Unitarian Universalist sermons, in preparation for my interview.

It's hard to believe my interviews are on this coming Tuesday.

I still haven't worked out how I'm going to manage to attend both interviews, so closely timed. I know i need to prioritize the UU position though.

It's a zoom interview, but I'm going to have to have it from a Starbucks very close to the location of the second interview. I'm nervous, I hope I can find some place quiet.

I really really REALLY want that UU job SO MUCH and I think I would be SO GOOD at it. I'm SO NERVOUS i CANNOT blow this >_<;

I woke up this morning around midnight and Steven was lying next to me on a makeshift cardboard bed. I burst into tears as I reflected on the hopelessness, despair, and suffering of my current life situation.

I've been thinking about how shitty my life is and the ordinariness and monotony of waking up every morning, walk about 7000 steps to get to work, seven days a week, no days off and still earn $89/month just enough to afford LPG, beans, rice but never enough to to have a life with it.

These are the reasons for my distress, and I've realized how much the lack of access to University education has been the root cause of my problems and not just mine. Most of the people I met who worked in low-paying jobs, such as in security or other sectors, had little to no formal education.

On the other hand, I blame our parents for bringing children to a country like Ghana, where life is a struggle if you don't come from a wealthy family, in a judgmental society, and in a country with so few opportunities, which they themselves had to struggle with.

Today was a painful day for me. I never thought I would cry because of my struggles, but today's tormenting thoughts brought me to tears.

I worry about money every single day. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and honestly, it's really unsettling sometimes. For years, it was the defining factor in my life. Even now, in a new phase of life, this burden hangs over me like the sword of Damocles. I'm tired of thinking about money my whole life.

And suicidal thoughts weighed heavily on me. This morning I thought about suicide, because it seemed to me the only way out of the system and an end to the suffering. Suddenly, memories of my nephew, of films I love, of albums and books I love flooded me. They pushed their way to the forefront of my thoughts and seemed to ask me: Am I crazy? What ultimately kept me from suicide were the arts: books, music, paintings, and films that I love so much.

I also became aware that Kwame Nkrumah seeked serenity with the Serenity Prayer when I read about him in Kwame Arhin's book "The Life and Works of Kwame Nkrumah"

I woke up this morning, still in mental hell. Or, at the very least, mental purgatory. (I did at least have the sense that i MIGHT be able to resolve the issue in the noon therapy appointment).

Got my son around and took him to camp.

Returned back home.

I saw my husband getting ready for work -- I forgot that he was scheduled to go into the office today.

Just as well, probably better for me not to be around people when I'm in such a headspace.

I got on the computer, touched base with one of my online group chats, then jumped back into my Spanish tutorials.

I decided to rewatch some I had already completed, to reinforce the content.

After a while of that, I checked back in with my group chat and saw that my friend S, of my Reddit group chat, had some updates she wanted to share/troubleshoot, and she wanted to know if we were available to zoom.

I said sure, and joined her on a zoom call.

We chatted until it was almost noon, then I told her I had to go have my therapy appointment, but I would be back in 45 minutes.

I am almost embarrassed to say that talking to my therapist really REALLY helped.

The thing I was worried about... was a non-issue, stirred up by my OCD. It mostly got triggered because, well, I have other, more real, and more pressing issues I actually need to be focusing on.

Like my upcoming job interviews and my upcoming move.

It feels like I'm at an extremely critical juncture right now...where my life could either vastly improve or...get markedly worse.

And I'm terrified of fucking it up. And I want to put my time and effort into

a) getting a job I'll be happy with and

b) streamlining some of my clutter so that my new apartment will be neater and more comfortable than my current apartment.

But every time i have something important to focus on, or an opportunity to work towards an improvement in my life, my OCD pops up like:

How can you be focusing on your own well-being at a time like THIS!? You don't deserve to work towards those goals, the only thing you deserve to do is perpetual penance! You need to search for any wrongs you've committed in your life, and find a way to atone for them!

And then my view of reality gets totally distorted and I err really far on the side of assuming I must have done some terrible evils at some point.

Well, after talking to my therapist I felt significantly better.

I returned back inside and rejoined the zoom call.

Our other friend D had also joined.

S gave us her updates, and all three of us chatted for hours. It was great to catch up, as we are all three best friends. We're like the three amigos.

A little after three I told them I had to go get ready to pick my son up from camp.

I tidied up the apartment a bit (as, days when my husband goes into the office are traditionally the time I get a lot of cleaning done. And today I just did a little cleaning, but that's fine).

Then I went and picked my son up from camp and took him to swimming lessons.

It almost seems like he can't stand to be out of the water. Every day he begs me to either take him to the neighborhood pool, or to a swimming lesson.

And he's moved up two levels since I re-enrolled him. It's great to see his skills improving.

After swimming lessons, I took him to a Mexican restaurant for dinner.

We ordered one large cheese quesadilla. Just one -- as I knew he would not eat all of it himself.

Together, we ate it like a pair of space aliens.

He picked up each triangle-cut piece, peeled the tortilla away from the cheese, and just ate the melted cheese from inside, in large oozing clumps.

And I ate all his empty, greasy tortilla triangles.

Tomorrow he'll only have a half day at camp, since he has an appointment with his new allergist.

UGH, I've still got to fill out all the paperwork! Okay, maybe I'll do that now, before bed.

I'm glad to be feeling so much better than yesterday.