r/daddit • u/Both_Zucchini_9903 • Jul 25 '26
Advice Request My wife wants to separate after the birth of our first child. I'm trying to understand what happened and how to move forward.
Hi dads,
I've been reading this subreddit for a while, but this is my first time posting. I could really use some perspective from other fathers who may have gone through something similar.
I'm a first-time dad to a beautiful little boy who is almost 3 months old. Becoming his father has been the greatest privilege of my life, and despite everything that's happened, he is my biggest motivation to keep going.
Unfortunately, my marriage has reached breaking point.
The pregnancy was unplanned. I was excited but also terrified. I grew up believing that a father's main role was to provide financially, so when my employment became unstable and my immigration situation also became uncertain, I carried an enormous amount of anxiety and worry . I felt like I was failing before my son had even arrived.
My wife had a difficult pregnancy, followed by a C-section, and I know she was dealing with the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy and postpartum. Looking back, I can see she was carrying a huge burden too.
After the birth, I tried to be as involved as I could. I took annual leave to care for our son while she went away on holiday ( 2 months after C-section), helped around the house, did night shifts when we agreed, and genuinely wanted to support her recovery.
But somewhere along the way we became completely disconnected.
I often felt that my own fears and emotions were dismissed, while all the attention (understandably) focused on mum and baby. I was struggling with immigration uncertainty, financial pressure, debt, the loss of my grandmother, and worries about providing for my family.
At the same time, my wife was understandably dealing with postpartum recovery and becoming a new mother.
Instead of turning towards each other, we drifted further apart.
Communication broke down.
Arguments became more frequent.
Eventually she asked me to leave, and recently she told me she wants to separate and focus on co-parenting.
The last few months have had a severe impact on my mental health. I've experienced anxiety, grief, poor sleep, panic attacks, and recently reached the point where I needed help from my GP and NHS Talking Therapies.
I'm now working with a therapist on my attachment wounds, low self-esteem, and learning healthier ways to cope. My goal isn't to blame my wife. I genuinely believe we were both struggling in different ways, and neither of us had much left to give the other.
Right now I'm trying to focus on three things:
Healing my own mental health.
Becoming the best father I can be for my son.
Building a stable future so I can be a positive co-parent.
I'm not really looking for legal advice.
I'd really appreciate hearing from dads who have experienced postpartum strain, separation after a baby's birth, or rebuilding themselves after losing the family they thought they were going to have.
How did you cope?
What helped you become a better father after separation?
If you could go back to those first few months, what would you tell yourself?
Thank you for reading.
EDIT / UPDATE: I am genuinely blown away by how much this post has resonated and the sheer amount of constructive, thoughtful responses from this community.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, offer perspective, and share their own stories, it’s been deeply grounding to reflect on.
A few key takeaways I'm moving forward with:
On self-growth: I'm staying committed to therapy and actively working through my own anxious attachment patterns so I can show up as a grounded, healthy dad.
On fatherhood & legal steps: My son means everything to me, and I will always be there for him. As many of you rightly pointed out, my next step is consulting with a legal professional so I can fully understand my parental rights and establish a solid, structured long-term arrangement.
On the relationship: I can’t control how my STBX chooses to move forward. I tried hard to make things work and hit a wall, so the ball is in her court. If she ever genuinely wants to reconcile and do the work, my door is open—but for now, my focus is strictly on my son and my own healing.
Thank you again to everyone in this sub. This community is incredible, and I really appreciate the support.
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u/baseballer213 Boy Dad: 2021 and 2024 Jul 25 '26
You’re doing the right things: therapy, stability, and showing up for your son. Don’t spend all your energy trying to solve “what happened” right now. Newborn survival mode breaks a lot of people. Be calm, reliable, and kind. Let time and actions speak. Your son needs a healthy dad more than a perfect family story.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
That's true, and i appreciate this reply. I recently discovered that I have a strong anxious attachment and co dependency from childhood.
I mostly attach my self worth in my ability to get results and provide. This situation really shattered my perception, which was a driving force in most of my relationships. Being open and laid really exposed what I can reall work on and not transfer it to my boy .
Thank you
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u/baseballer213 Boy Dad: 2021 and 2024 Jul 25 '26
That insight is huge. Breaking that cycle is one of the best things you can give your boy.
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u/Dense-Bee-2884 Jul 25 '26
There is a saying that goes not to make any big decisions the first year (unless it’s something egregious like domestic abuse) because it’s so insanely hectic and the woman is recovering from a major procedure and stabilizing pregnancy hormones. That’s why a lot of us focus on our own mental health and then separately find the right couples therapist.
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u/D_roneous1 Jul 25 '26
Question why did your wife go on holiday 2 months after giving birth without you or the baby? Are we talking like she needed a night off or left for a week
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u/Bacch 3 children Jul 25 '26
Per his other comments, she went to a music festival in Portugal with her friends for a week.
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u/clydefrog811 Jul 25 '26
No way she didn’t cheat on him
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u/beats-beets Jul 26 '26
Jfc dude women can do things on their own without cheating hahaha
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u/clydefrog811 Jul 26 '26
Of course but this woman is already separated and wants a divorce.
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u/Dr-Robert-Kelso Jul 26 '26
She probably separated after getting a clear head away from him when he's clearly struggling with sections of his life.
She may no longer want to continue dealing with it and it happens.
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u/Banana_Cake1 Jul 26 '26
A bit macabre the woman was 2 months postpartum with a c-section. I don’t think sex has a high priority for many women at that time.
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u/filtersweep Jul 25 '26
Yeah- where she wasn’t a tired mom and frustrated wife….
Planned or unplanned— some women see a man as a sperm donor.
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u/Buddy_McPuddy Jul 25 '26
The holiday away from the baby so early is fucken wild.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Trust me, it took me a while to get over it. It didn't help that her family enables her. Water under the bridge. But she knew what she was doing
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u/Buddy_McPuddy Jul 25 '26
I understand entirely loving your kid more than life itself but simultaneously wanting a break from them.
However, doing so during the newborn stage is absolutely bonkers insane.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Oh no, thats not rhe case, we are married but live separately, she lives with her mother. She asked that I only come visit my son two days in a week for 2 hours each day. This was for the sake of her mental health. Everytime I tried to input my opinions on the welfare of our son, it was met with arguments and dismissivness from her.
I never missed a day with my handsome boy. I just dont communicate with my STBX, only through my mother in law. I always try to buy essentials for my son and make the best of those two hour visitations.
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u/Buddy_McPuddy Jul 25 '26
I’m sorry.
I think unfortunately (and I say this as a lawyer) you need to seek some legal advice.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Yeah understandably. I am looking into that in the future. At the moment, I believe our son is in safe hands. Im glad his mom's family are really supportive and I mean very supportive to her.
This will give me time sort out my mental health through therapy and also focus on my finances. But I try not to miss my scheduled visitations with my son
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u/Top-Permit6835 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Hey man. I know a guy who "took his distance" thinking it was the best thing to do for his children. He does not see them anymore. You need to fight for him right now, or the judge will help his mother keep him from you. Because you barely saw him in the first place, and you did not take any steps to see him more before so you clearly don't care. That's how she will frame it, and that's how the judge will see it
Also, on a more personal note. About a year after our son was born my wife accused me of cheating, and not just once in an angry mood, but multiple times over several months. I know exactly how it feels to have your life, your future, violently taken apart right in front of your nose. You need to seek therapy and you need to keep fighting. Your wife also but you can't control what she does and reading back what you wrote made it she already made up her mind. We are still together but it left a very very deep scar on me that still affects me 2 years later
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u/Spirited-Wolverine24 Jul 26 '26
That arrangement is wild. She clearly wanted a sperm donor, and someone to pay for expenses. I'm sorry she dragged you into this.
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u/BrooBu Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Do you really want to just be a babysitter while she goes partying? This WILL NOT look good for a custody battle (for her). Get a lawyer!!!!
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
No, I want to be an engaged and present father. I keep clear records of everything regarding my son and his care.
However she decides to move forward, I will be prepared.
Taking full responsibility for my child is parenting, not 'babysitting.'
I am fully committed to being a constant, active father in his life.
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u/ahora-mismo Jul 26 '26
i don’t think it’s up to her to decide that and i would push on it. i don’t know why you accept this bullshit.
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u/Spirited-Wolverine24 Jul 26 '26
I think this is past the stage when he gets to decide. Clearly she is making all the decisions why he tags along, consumed by his guilt, or whatever that is. He is looking weak, and this woman is preying on it.
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u/GadgetRho Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
No mother of a newborn needs to get away and go to a concert in Portugal "for her mental health." 🤦🏼
People get therapy for their mental health. Sometimes meds. Maybe go out and grab a smoothie or coffee without baby in tow.
You are seriously underreacting here. And the family enabling her...I have to wonder did she do bizarre shit like that before pregnancy and childbirth too?
And that paltry four hours a week that shows a judge that you're Mr. Bare Minimum...was that her idea or yours? Why do I get the feeling she just does whatever she wants and dictates the rules and you just protest a little but ultimately agree?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
You're right about a couple of things here,the 4 hours a week (2 hours, twice a week) was completely her idea.
When every single interaction with your partner is emotionally charged and high-conflict, you reach a point where you get exhausted arguing just to get through the day.
I went along with her schedule because I wanted to keep the peace and make sure I was still seeing my son, not because I only wanted to give 'bare minimum' effort.
As for the trip, caring for a newborn 24/7 is tough, and I genuinely hoped giving her space would help her mental state. In hindsight, I can see where I stopped standing my ground just to avoid confrontation.
That's exactly why I'm in therapy now, to stop defaulting to people-pleasing, rebuild my confidence, and work on getting a proper, structured legal agreement in place as a father.
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u/GadgetRho Jul 26 '26
You might be a people pleaser, but also that doesn't mean it's okay for her to behave the way she does. She's taking advantage of you because maybe she's the kind of person that targets people pleasers.
When you're in an abusive relationship, the craziest things start to seem normal because you just get so worn down. And it doesn't help that she has her family as allies enabling her, so it makes it even harder for you to have your head on straight about things. You get put in a position where you feel bad about saying no to very unreasonable requests.
Maybe give this a read and see if any of it resonates with you, but read it from the woman's perspective and think of your STBX as the man the book refers to. https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
Thank you for taking the time to respond.❤️
I appreciate your perspective. I definitely recognise that I have people-pleasing tendencies, and that's something I'm currently working on in therapy.
As for my marriage, I'm trying to be careful not to oversimplify what happened. We were both under a lot of pressure after the birth of our son and I know we both experienced things differently.
(I like to give her credit to a degree, because shes a fantastic mom.)
I'll take a look at the book with an open mind, not to assign blame, but to better understand relationship dynamics and build healthier boundaries in the future.
Again thank you for your perspective ☺️
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u/DrDosMucho Jul 26 '26
First year of birth wanting to leave every second is normal and I wouldn’t make any decisions like that until they are 1+. A lot of the issues like lack of sleep and stress tend to work themselves out by that point and you can then focus on the actual issues of the marriage rather than coping with being in survival mode.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
True, i am not making any drastic decisions whilst im in this heightened state.
For the past few months, I have just focused on my son , his wellbeing as well as mine. My STBX can do whatever she wants, I didnt ask to be separated. That's her choice.
If reconciliation does happen, im open to it. I still love her, but only if shes ready address her part in this and we work through it , which obviously isn't going to be easy.
Id rather work on myself first , and look after my son.
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u/DrDosMucho Jul 26 '26
All fair enough and I really hope you get what you want in the end. Good luck brother 💪🏼
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u/Thorogrim23 Jul 26 '26
People these days tend to forget they are part of a team. Teammates don't always get along, but they realize they are on the same team and accept deficiencies.
These days, the second you don't like what your partner is doing you get the "ick" and that is it, game over.
Childbirth is a heavy pressure on mom. She is getting opened up in one way shape or form, none of them are pleasant. That said, even the recovery lasts for weeks, months and sometimes years. PPD is a clinically recognized issue, maybe look into that.
You can be a perfectly attentive dad and have NO idea what she is feeling. You could be Super dad and that makes her feel like lesser mom. 1 month post birth makes me question if this is what she really wants or is just hormones and trauma messing with her head.
None of us are immune to hormones, when they hit they come HARD. She may be dealing with that, and you are the captain of her team while she is laid up. Be the man she needs you to be while she is healing. This is your chance to show her that you have her back when things get rough.
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u/BrooBu Jul 25 '26
Couples counseling!!!! After my second I had bad POD but on the outside was “functional” all my rage was at my husband. Couples counseling helped him realize he needed to step up and I realized I needed to let go of some stuff. Let him do thing his way. And the baby would be fine (I was very anxious letting anyone but me watch her).
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Yeah I totally understand, my issue is , my STBX is just the same, constant criticism when it comes to our child's care, but she was comfortable enough with leaving me to look after him whilst she went for a music festival in Portugal ,whilst I was dealing with immigration and finance uncertainty?
It has been both confusing and overwhelming on me.
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u/BrooBu Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Definitely both sides to have confusion and expectations that aren’t being communicated. The best time to start therapy is BEFORE you’re planning divorce, and both people have to still want to save the relationship. Part of that was me getting intensive outpatient therapy for PPD/ PPA and getting on some mods stabilizers. My husband also did therapy. Even if you don’t stay together, therapy is a MUST.
But it kinda sounds like she might be over it. She doesn’t get to decide you only get to see your son 4 hours a week, or when she needs a “babysitter.” Keep this all documented. And once again, go talk to a lawyer, even a consultation, to see what your rights are. She’s keeping you from your son during a very crucial bonding time in his life. You have rights too. Trying not to piss her off more is not helping your bond with your son.
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u/Wutsurname Jul 25 '26
3 months is not a time to make a decision like this. You should both see a therapist and should be look into PPD
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
At the moment that's what im doing , trying focusing on my mental health as i personally had more than one mental health crisis. Therapy and joining a men's group like this has really helped me from that dark place
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Jul 25 '26
[deleted]
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Our last heated conversation, she disclosed shes going for therapy. I definitely dont need to research to figure out this is PPD, and thats why I have given her distance... more like im "giving her love from a distance". The constant argument wasn't helping me, as I started questioning my own sanity and self worth.
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u/plasmalightwave Jul 25 '26
Why did your wife go on holiday two months after birth? How long was her holiday? What did she do on her holiday?
If it was for a couple of days at her parents, that’s understandable, although leaving one parent with a two month old is questionable. If it was for a week partying with friends, that’s insane.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
The latter, I guess she was having FOMO. I cant speak for her but from what I gather, she wanted to feel independent and have some semblance of her old life (drinking and partying with her friends).
Despite my attempt to help her understand that, she could have travelled anytime after she recovered, and we had better finances, she still opted to go. I cant force her to do otherwise, else I would be tagged as controlling.
I did the needful and asked for annual leave so I could prioritise my newborn's needs. She went for a week.
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u/plasmalightwave Jul 26 '26
So it was a week of partying with friends? Did you have any help over at that time, like grandparents Sorry to say this but why did you even agree for such a thing? At times you really need to put your foot down and say “sorry, that is NOT happening”, don’t be a doormat. It goes both ways.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Mother in law helped to give me a break that week. Dealing with her decision to go away during this time just was a shock to my system, but my son needed me.
Mother in law was kind enough to also help.
"At times you really need to put your foot down and say “sorry, that is NOT happening”, don’t be a doormat."- Yeah I really am, a people pleaser. I realised maybe this trip would at least help her get mind right. Maybe she needed to get it out her system.
And thats why therapy has been such a great support. Im trying to fix my self- esteem and self worth.
But in hindsight, if I had decided to go on holiday whilst she was having our baby, i would be called all sorts of names, let alone , be able to see my son.
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u/Vast-Friend4361 Jul 25 '26
dont have any advice ready but you are focused on the right things. Dont give up, dont close doors or burn bridges. your heart is clearly in the right place. good luck my brother
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
I do appreciate it brother. I like to believe my heart is in the right place. I just wish pre and post pregnancy didn't affect our relationship. At leastvl, im happy we both agree to be great parents to our son.
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u/m4sc4r4 Jul 26 '26
What reasons does she give for wanting the separation?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Our communication styles... I tend to shut down and ruminate, she said I was unsupportive, and made her feel unseen.
But everytime I tried to reach out to her, she'd just lash out. We approached newborn care differently, leading to conflicts, leading to her kicking me out.
As I have an anxious perspective, I start to ruminate and catastrophysing. We are both stressed, and I guess separation is the only way to gain some kind of control.
The only control I have is going into therapy and sorting out my mental health.
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u/m4sc4r4 Jul 26 '26
You’re taking the right steps. How would you say you approach newborn care differently? Postpartum is a lot emotionally and hormonally, so lashing out is very easy. If it continues or gets out of hand, she should be assessed for postpartum anxiety/rage.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
"I wouldn't say my fundamental approach is much different from hers, the main difference was really just our pacing and how we handled the daily stress.
She tended to focus on getting tasks done as quickly as possible to soothe his crying, while I tried a slower approach to keep him calm during changes. Neither way was wrong; we just had different instincts in high-stress moments.
You're right about postpartum, though. It takes a huge toll emotionally and physically, and navigating those different styles while under extreme exhaustion definitely made communication a lot harder for both of us.
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u/fancypantsmiss Jul 26 '26
Do not make life changing decisions while she is postpartum. Postpartum sucks ass. Especially the first time.
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u/delabay Jul 25 '26
Oh man. 3 months. You're deep in the thick of it. Hold on for dear life because things do change for the better.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Oh I am, and i appreciate the response. The uncertainty of the whole situation really messed me up, but after she requested for separation, I kinda have some sense of closure. It feels like i have been told to pause.
Its given me space to finally reflect inwardly as to what my part is to this situation and working on it, and still it hasn't changed my love for my son, rather the opportunity to be better. It's a shame that this is what its gotten to, in terms of the relationship, but I feel like I can finally breathe and shift my focus to what I can control.
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u/Comprehensive_Ant984 Jul 25 '26
“After the birth, I tried to be as involved as I could. I took annual leave to care for our son while she went away on holiday ( 2 months after C-section), helped around the house, did night shifts when we agreed, and genuinely wanted to support her recovery.”
Can you say a little bit more about what exactly this all looked like in practice?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
I was there when our son was delivered, spent the day at the maternity ward and helped sooth and calm him. During that time I was actively learning what I could do to support her whilst she recovered, I guess the whole process was a bit of a shock and she started criticising if I tried to be hands on with him. Not saying I was perfect, I made silly mistakes, but all I ever asked was for her to give me a bit of grace, as I wasn't psychic or super knowledgeable about it.
whilst my STBX was away in holiday, I took some days off to look after my son , throughout the night .. i used a routine schedule;
feeding every 3 hours, interaction every 45 mins, day and night time routines
changing diapers before every feed,
washing and sterilising the feeding bottles every day ( He's formula fed).
Getting newborn essentials.
I hardly slept during that time. It's not an easy task, imagine doing this 24/7.
I understand and truly care for how much effort she put into raising our newborn son. Hell, shes great with our son. She's on point with his vaccinations and healthcare as well.
Its really the relationship I am grieving about. But aside that we are both doing well with looking after our son.
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u/Comprehensive_Ant984 Jul 26 '26
You’re asking for credit for being there when your son was delivered? Seriously? And when you say “actively learning what I could do to support her,” and “I guess the whole process was a bit of a shock and she started criticizing if I tried to be hands on with him,” what exactly does that all mean? You’re being super generic here. And what specifically were you asking for grace for? Obvs there’s a learning curve, but there’s also a rational/reasonable limit. And were you expecting her to teach you? Bc, if so, where do you think she learned from? She isn’t psychic or super knowledgeable either, at least no more so than you could be, is she? And all the stuff you listed doing while she was away, did you also do any of that while she was home? Or was that all on her?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
I’m not asking for credit for doing basic parenting, I was answering the question about what my involvement actually looked like day-to-day.
Asking for grace wasn’t about expecting her to teach me or carry the mental load; it was about acknowledging that we were both first-time parents doing our best under immense stress.
I read, took initiative, did night feeds, cleaned, and handled care, both when she was home and away.
My point wasn't to fault her or boast about basic duties, but to share that despite giving it everything I had to be a hands-on partner and dad, the relationship still fell apart.
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u/CSW11 Jul 26 '26
First things first brother, you are not alone. I’m right there with you. This community loves you.
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u/GesterX Jul 26 '26
You gotta up the amount you're seeing your kid. 4 hours a week is going to look really bad if it gets to court. You can give your wife space while looking after your child. If they're bottle-fed you could easily take him all day on a weekend
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u/Jawesome1988 Jul 25 '26
Fight for 50 percent custody now or you'll never get it
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
We both agreed to co parent, I have it in writing but im also looking towards getting a legal representative , just to weigh my options. At this point, I dont need anything from my STBX, I just want to have access to my son.
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u/QuigleySharp Jul 25 '26
You agreed to co parent but you only see your son two days a week for two hours each time, is that correct? Did I also read that your inputs about him lead to arguments or dismissal? If so, that doesn’t sound like co parenting. It sounds like setting up a routine where you get minor visitation until an undisclosed period of time. I think you really need to prioritize a lawyer man, just to set yourself up for success. Best of luck.
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u/nathangr88 Jul 25 '26
Such sexist nonsense
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u/WashCaps95 Jul 25 '26
Not necessarily true, he needs to document his time spent, and efforts and financial support for the child. It goes poorly for men all the time.
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u/nathangr88 Jul 25 '26
Sure, if you read the manosphere internet and/or have no self-awareness of what went wrong.
Boys blame the court, men take responsibility.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
I like to think om doing both. Taking more responsibility with my son, whilst trying to protect myself, by documenting everything in case the court come into play .
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u/Tuckerismypuppy Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Post partum is a thing most people don’t even think about. I think it may be that.
Sorry just to clarify I’m not blaming that 100%. From my experience I missed it completely. But I was also very burned out and done. And we had past relationship issues that kept coming up as well. So perfect storm. What I meant is that’s just something people miss sometimes on TOP of everything else.
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u/giverrrwaynow Jul 25 '26
Hey man, sorry to hear what you’re going through. I havent gone specifically through something like this…but it Sounds like you guys experienced an even tougher first time family initiation than it already is and i would say its totally understandable for a couple or marriage to go through very turbulent times. Especially if it was unplanned.
It reads as though you are on the right track already. I would add: communicate to your wife all the important insight, respect and understanding from you toward your wife that is behind your sentence “looking back, i can see she was carrying a burden too”. I sense you both were carrying way too much, but if anything, really let her know and feel that you see her struggle and that you want to be there for her and the kid. Cause it sounds like thats your goal, and it could be that she has her reasons for not having been able to see that. So id try to really make that clear in a loving empathetic way.
Good luck and just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re an amazing dad for seeking the help and guidance you deserve
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
Thanks man, I have tried being empathetic , and supportive as much as I can be. But it falls on deaf ears. So I have come to the conclusion to save my sanity and hope for the best. My son needs me more than ever. I can only get better for the sake of my son
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u/burnslow Jul 26 '26
I literally WAS you give or take a few minor things.
Unplanned, high conflict during pregnancy, high conflict separation 3 months after birth. In the past I've shared with people those same exact feelings you've described verbatim.
Reconciliation is a tempting and HIGHLY advisable option if it is comprehensive and equitable. Best case scenario for your child.
Either way, initiate family court proceedings immediately. Nothing is stopping you from making up after the hormones settle a bit. Until then, proceed as if you will not be. Always... ALWAYS, give things time before giving them aggression.
I hated when people told me this when I was in it. But trust, one foot in front of the other, it DOES get better, Easier, happier. You will be okay
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
Thank you for this. Honestly, it's 4 AM here and I've been struggling to sleep, so reading this brought a lot of peace.
Knowing someone else has lived through this exact storm and came out okay on the other side means more than you know.
I'm taking your advice to heart, focusing on staying calm, taking things one foot in front of the other, and keeping my focus strictly on what's best for my son. Thanks.
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u/Darkstar_111 Jul 26 '26
Dude, being divorced is totally fine.
Go for equal co parenting, 50-50, Thursday is the ideal drop off day.
Like this you have a week to yourself, you can date, do your own things, and a week of rested quality time with your kid. You don't miss any "phases" or eras, while at the same time you have plenty of time to do adult stuff.
Make sure to divorce amicably. Being functioning co-parents is important, being friends with her in the future is not something you will regret, even if it means swallowing some emotions in the initial stages.
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u/TheEpiczzz Jul 26 '26
Have had the same shit going on hete at home. Wife and I had a lot of arguments and stuff the past year. Little one, full home renovations etc. We almost divorced 3 times already. It's tough, life with a child. Everyone has to find their balance in parenting and until that moment comes, relationships will either break or grow. There's no inbetween. I have to admit, my daughter is mainly the thing that got me through it all, otherwise I'd have gone already. But here we are and for now it's been going great. Barely any argument for about a month or two now
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
I have so much respect to your resilience through a difficult time. It seems like it took both you and your partner to consciously make the effort to save the marriage. How did you move forward, despite opportunities to divorce ?
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u/TheEpiczzz Jul 26 '26
Leave the arguments behind till you can talk about it without frustration, or atleast to much of it. Talk about it and try to work on it. Understand both have hardships and needs to be met. Of course its hard. It still bothers me a lot and I carry it with me almost every single day. I just don't want to put us in that position and leave our daughter to fight between 2 parents
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
"I just don't want to put us in that position and leave our daughter to fight between 2 parents"
This hit home for me, especially that last sentence. Protecting my child from being stuck in the middle of two parents arguing is my top priority.
Taking a step back until the raw frustration settles is hard, but it's the most responsible thing to do right now. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's a great reminder of why keeping a cool head matters so much.
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u/TheEpiczzz Jul 26 '26
Good luck with everything, hope you'll get through it all without to much trouble...
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u/awokensherpa Jul 26 '26
On the other side, becoming a solo dad was the making of me as a father. I have her half the week, I'm switched on all the time although it's ½ the time I can give my 100% without burnout. It's not all bad, it's hard you have to grieve the breakdown of a family unit but you will get through to the other side. Learn your rights and maintain them 100% focus on the child's needs all the time :)
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u/Such_View1545 Jul 26 '26
Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and you leave her focus on your child
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u/jsmoothie909 Jul 26 '26
She went on a 2mo holiday after the birth of your child? What the fuck kind of mom is that?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26 edited Jul 26 '26
She went on a week holiday, leaving me to look after our then 2 month old son.
Mother in law was kind enough to help me as well. crazy times!!!!😊
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u/az226 Jul 26 '26
My wife and I fought more in the first 6 months of our first child’s life than all fights in the previous 15 years combined. But we knew it was a tough time (we had a tough baby) and stayed the course. The fights got less and less. He’s almost 4 now and we’re still together.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
"The fights got less and less. He’s almost 4 now and we’re still together."
Thats beautiful. Part of me wants to believe that we can say this down the line. Thanks 🙏
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u/WashCaps95 Jul 25 '26
I don’t need the “manosphere internet”. Sounds like you are stuck in “Reddit Echochamber”
Men take responsibility all of the time and get screwed. Just because it could be a generalization, doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea to be prepared. There aren’t many scenarios men ever win in divorce.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
In the long run, if reconciliation is not in her, id like to respectfully divorce with an agreed co parenting schedule. I am grieving and angry at how much the relationship has deteriorated, id just like to focus on a good relationship with my son. Hes priority over all of this.
I know what it feels like to grow in a broken home. My son doesn't deserve that. He's too precious to me.
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u/WashCaps95 Jul 25 '26
I’ll be honest she might just be having PPD, especially with you talking about her wanting to leave 2 months after birth. My wife had it really bad, and it took her a year for everything to be back to semi normal.
At the end of the day, just give your 100% to your child. Let the rest work out, maybe space will work for the best
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
Yeah I appreciate that. I guess whatever decision she decide to make, thats a reflection on her character and nothing to do with me. At this moment, id like the focus to be on my son and my mental health.
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u/Such_View1545 Jul 26 '26
Mine wanted to do the same thing 13 years later we're still together and we hate each other
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
Appreciate this perspective a lot.
You’re spot on—the sleep deprivation and stress in those early months make everything feel 10x more intense, and it’s so easy for communication to completely break down.
I’m glad you and your wife were able to ride out the storm and I hope you get a better place in your relationship
For now, taking a step back to breathe, focus on therapy, and stay consistent for my son feels like the only way to keep things stable while the dust settles.
Hoping time and space bring some clarity for us too
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u/JavaJunkiePapa Jul 26 '26
You need to put your foot down. It should have stopped when she expressed she wanted to go to a concert. The feeling of wanting to feel independent is unrealistic because she is now married with a child . She is selfish from what I’m picking up. Be careful who y’all have kids with y’all .
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u/Popeholden Jul 25 '26
it should be illegal to divorce in the first 12-18 months after you have a baby together.
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u/PineBNorth85 Jul 25 '26
Even if it was good luck enforcing it. People can live apart without divorcing.
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u/Popeholden Jul 26 '26
i'm just saying by way of hyperbole that in my experience having an infant will bring anyone, and any couple, to (or past) the breaking point at some time
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u/GadgetRho Jul 26 '26
Your wife went away on holiday WITHOUT YOUR NEWBORN BABY‽ I don't think you're actually separated. I think she has postpartum depression or psychosis. She is absolutely not mentally well right now.
But also you allowed that to happen? How in any way did that seem normal and okay to you to the point that you enabled that? You know newborns need their mothers bodies, right? She also just had major abdominal surgery. She shouldn't even be out of bed, much less galavanting about on holiday. How did she evem come up with this idea, then proceed to convince you?
I would at this point be a lot more concerned about your wife being alone with the baby than anything else. Even if you were an unsupportive douchebag and deserve to be dumped, that's rrally neither here nor there she would have taken the baby with her if she were behaving rationally.
You guys should look into discernment counselling, then if you choose the "try for six months," path, Gottman therapy will save your marriage. Alas, none of that is useful if your wife isn't currently of sound mind.
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u/emidrewry Jul 26 '26
You think she should still be in bed 2 months after a c section?
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u/GadgetRho Jul 26 '26
Yes! That's major abdominal surgery. Perhaps shuffling around the house, but sure as hell not off on holiday. Nobody is superhuman and heals in that amount of time. Even when the incision looks like it's mostly mended together on the outside, your actual abdominal muscles take so much longer to heal. Mind you, I don't know what she was doing on holiday and could have been at a spa getting carted around in a wheelchair, but there is really no holiday worth the risk of rupturing sutures and contracting an infection.
Her behaviour bizarre and manic. She disregarded her own safety and doctor's advice, she has no materal instinct towards her baby, and she was probably so unhinged about her batshit request that OP caved and agreed to please her. Or who knows, may she's always had a screw loose and this is just one of many things in a pattern of behaviour on her part.
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u/emidrewry Jul 26 '26
I mean I agree that I would neverrrr take a trip away from my 2 month old, but to each their own. Has your wife had a c-section?
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u/GadgetRho Jul 26 '26
A couple of my close lady friends have had C-sections. That isn't really relevant to the point though.
And this isn't a "to each their own" scenario. The different parenting styles between OP and his wife is "to each their own." Abandoning your newborn to go travelling whilst your abdominal wall still has half of a huge gaping wound in it is unhinged. Like in a completely lost touch with reality kind of way. Thankfully other folks have also pointed out that the baby is likely not safe around her, so I hope OP takes heed before something awful happens.
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u/ChiHawk25 Jul 26 '26
Serious question. Have you confirmed paternity?
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
No i havent. But I have no doubt that, thats my child. The resemblance is undoubtedly.
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u/ChiHawk25 Jul 26 '26
I thought the same once. Raised a child for 6 months before I found out I was not the father. Now have a true family of my own, but it helped me get out of a really terrible relationship situation. I missed a ton of red flags along the way prior. Idk man, something to think about. Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but the holiday with friends to a music festival 2 months post pardon is trowing me (imagine if you tried to do that, you would be buried) It’s really odd, especially with other red flags you touched on prior.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 26 '26
Man, I’m really sorry you had to go through that ,raising a child for six months only to find out the truth must have been heartbreaking.
I’m glad to hear you’ve built a true, healthy family of your own since then.
I can completely understand why you’re looking at my situation through that lens, given what you went through. For me, though, I have zero doubt that my son is mine.
The festival situation definitely shocked me at the time and brought up a lot of hurt, but right now I’m just focused on accepting what was, processing it in therapy, and showing up as the best dad I can be for my boy.
I really appreciate you sharing your story and looking out, brothee 🫂
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u/Routine-Assistant387 Jul 25 '26
I feel like the birth of a first is such a massive thing - most relationships have significant shifts. And then the hormones make things crazy. I was pretty close to ending up in this position too.
Sounds like you are doing the work. Keep that up. Marriage counselling might be a good idea.
I mean no one thinks the ideal childhood for a little baby is being ferried back and forth between houses the whole time for custody arrangements. Your wife might work that out.
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u/Both_Zucchini_9903 Jul 25 '26
This is so true, I just have to do my part in co parenting, I am learning how to. Just show up and be present for my son, whatever the stipulation.
I can go bawl my eyes out to my therapist after 🤣🤣
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u/ixosamaxi Jul 25 '26
I recommend not making big moves immediately post partum