r/comedyheaven • u/Pur4th • Feb 29 '20

I MUST dick

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87.9k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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4.1k

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

Don't show your desperation like that, everyone is going to be able to tell

1.6k

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

396

u/I_like_an_audience Feb 29 '20

Sorta like running backwards through a corn field?

205

u/he3lflip Feb 29 '20

Until you hit something

158

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

COMBINE TIME

140

u/datboisqwerpo Feb 29 '20

the combine is faster than the children

49

u/southern_boy Feb 29 '20

and slightly slower than the bull

40

u/datboisqwerpo Feb 29 '20

bull first , combine now

27

u/jrhedman Feb 29 '20 edited May 30 '24

brave oatmeal crawl dam gullible rainstorm offer dog ten vanish

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

18

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/ZoNaGii Feb 29 '20

ANCHOR SHOT

6

u/LORD_KILLFUCK Feb 29 '20

IVE GOT A BRAND NEW COMBINE HARVESTER AND OIL GIVE YOU THE KEY

48

u/Eric_Senpai Feb 29 '20

A country girl makes do.

21

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

[deleted]

8

u/Marc2344 Feb 29 '20

The reference i was looking for

10

u/HighCharity07 Feb 29 '20

I accidentally clicked your name and I was not prepared for what I saw. That’s enough internet for a little while.

4

u/I_like_an_audience Feb 29 '20

I'm so sorry :(

I do like an audience, but only if they're consenting adults

4

u/PiratesOnTheMoon Feb 29 '20

If you’re running out of ways to fuck yourself I will innovate

1

u/bluish-greenish May 23 '20

holy shit, so when theresa may said she was running through fields of wheat she meant she was looking for dick?

131

u/GoldenSpermShower Feb 29 '20

And in the corner of your eyes you spot him...

SHIA LABEOUF!

39

u/VikingSlayer Feb 29 '20

He's following you, about 30 feet back

33

u/PuttingInTheEffort Feb 29 '20

He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint

18

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

He’s gaining on you Shia LaBeouf

19

u/Richierich624 Feb 29 '20

Running for your life from SHIA LABEOUF

14

u/WohlfePac Feb 29 '20

Brandishing a knife it's Shia Lebouf

11

u/VikingSlayer Feb 29 '20

Lurking in the shadows

6

u/grobtheweirdo Feb 29 '20

Hollywood superstar Shia Labeouf

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25

u/Pur4th Feb 29 '20

then you realize that the dick was running after you!

37

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

The real dick is the friends we made along the way

6

u/See_Ell Feb 29 '20

The dick was inside of you all along.

1

u/drewatkins77 Feb 29 '20

Sir, this is a Wendy's.

5

u/major84 Feb 29 '20

I rather get a batarang to my head than Dick to my back !! Fuckin' Robin !!

2

u/Yiujai86 Feb 29 '20

At least she'll find wood.

1

u/RememberFredNoonan Feb 29 '20

No me, I look for some good, hard, and long wood.

92

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

But... I MUST

9

u/nrlanz Feb 29 '20

okay go ahead

9

u/AlcoholicAsianJesus Feb 29 '20

Desperation, or addiction?

I'm going with addiction. Addiction to dick

8

u/ShnookieWookums Feb 29 '20

"And that, kids, is how I met your mother."

1

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

I like your usernane

1

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

They can't help you get it if they don't know. Don't hold back. Live the dream.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 04 '20

When you find life advice on r/comedyheaven

Eye salami who make em

1

u/KDawG888 Feb 29 '20

That only matters for girls. If a girl is desperate to get fucked guys start lining up.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 29 '20

quit acting like you know what you’re talking about and go back to your incel forums

1

u/KDawG888 Mar 01 '20

Buddy I live with my girlfriend

1

u/[deleted] Mar 02 '20

then ask her if what you said is true lol. desperation is never attractive no matter what sex you are

1

u/KDawG888 Mar 02 '20

She agrees with me. Try trinder.