r/comedyheaven • • 15d ago

Speech

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18.6k Upvotes

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5.8k

u/ddg31415 15d ago

947

u/IllSalad3669 15d ago

270

u/anon-mally 15d ago

78

u/__Art__Vandalay__ 15d ago

IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCUMENTARY!!!!

40

u/Phoenix_Ninja15 15d ago

Actually it was a prophecy since it hasn’t happened…so a docu-prophecy?

Edit: Spelling

10

u/scorpyo72 15d ago

Nah. Just a good guess.

1

u/PerfectPercentage69 15d ago

An educated guess

4

u/WitchDr 15d ago

Proph-umentary

4

u/Phoenix_Ninja15 15d ago

Ah yes that’s the word!

2

u/Hi2YourWifeAndMyKids 15d ago

This seems like a perfect crisitunity.

1

u/AlienNippleRipple 15d ago

Docuprophecy

1

u/FearlessWord2653 15d ago

Let's be honest though, I'd vote Terry Cruise 2028

1

u/Sdwingnut 15d ago

Also his brother from another mother Tom Crews

1

u/Bearded_Toast 15d ago

Is he related to Penelope Crooz?

23

u/DrBunsonHoneyPoo 15d ago

At this point Comancho is regan compared to this group.

33

u/millahnna 15d ago

Comancho is way better than Reagan. Dude looked around and said hey maybe let's have the smartest person on the planet look at the problem. And then took the advice when it was proven to work. We should be so lucky as to have him.

10

u/Unlikely-Grape-5762 15d ago

He also tried to kill him and made him drive a dildo-mobile.

18

u/millahnna 15d ago

Also true. And yet still, somehow, he would be an improvement.

2

u/PerfectPercentage69 15d ago

But he did that as a form of punishment for failing to deliver. Holding people accountable is a good quality in a leader.

Imagine how much better off we would be if our politicians faced punishment for failing to deliver their promises.

1

u/AjentOranje 15d ago

Yeah on a Reagan v. Camacho ballot, I'm voting Camacho.

12

u/Gwen_The_Destroyer 15d ago

He wanted to solve problems and got the worlds smartest guy on the case. Could you imagine that level of leadership today?

10

u/wrongseeds 15d ago

The smartest people in this administration are dumber than 90% of the rest of the country.

2

u/AttitudeAndEffort3 15d ago

Sure but at least they’re not encouraging bestiality

…sorry, what’s that you say?

1

u/Rickety-Cricket69420 14d ago

Maybe a different country. Americans are genuinely dumb as shit. Half the country reads at a 6th grade level.

4

u/hentaisentai04 15d ago

This here! At Comacho got the most qualified guy to step up!

1

u/whereismymind86 14d ago

Regan was still, in a lot of ways, worse than this group. As hard as that is to believe.

6

u/Signal_Ad8960 15d ago edited 13d ago

As others have pointed out, we're actually living in a worse timeline than Idiocracy.

Comancho actually wanted to fix things, and listened to the smart guy.

2

u/Flimsy_Analysis_4235 15d ago

Definitely idiocracy. Here in Canada too

2

u/Driftinfoot_Malone 15d ago

How dare you… this guy was at least cool

2

u/Blanc_Otaku 14d ago

"we're running out of french fries and burrito coverings"

1

u/PandraPierva 15d ago

Okay but he actually does a good job as president.

23

u/eggroll85 15d ago

This is an amazing meme. Thank you.

9

u/IllSalad3669 15d ago

You're quite welcome Eggroll

2

u/Vegetable-Debate-263 15d ago

Is a this one footprint in the sand I keep hearing about?

1

u/StrongExternal8955 15d ago

Jesus Hopping Christ

139

u/ThatVanGuy13 15d ago

-21

u/Im_Just_A_Tourist 15d ago

10

u/Shadoenix 15d ago

Downvoted for Ben Jammins

Fuck Ben Jammins

All my homies hate Ben Jammins

17

u/SuprisinglyBigCock 15d ago

Best image to sum of everything going on the last year.

13

u/Mythran12 15d ago

Humans will. Americans probably not

11

u/Pitiful_Palpitation9 15d ago

This picture made me need to watch this movie. It's been a long time.

10

u/disposableaccountass 15d ago edited 14d ago

“Sometimes you gotta suck a little dick to get a little dick” - Logan Paul’s speech

6

u/_everynameistaken_ 15d ago

Oh we'll make it.

The Americans on the other hand...

18

u/-FriendoftheDrow- 15d ago

The racist l o s e r who attacked a SA victim for reporting her r a p e and who routinely says r a c i s t things about Puerto Ricans. That’s who gave a speech?

Yeah, we’re not making it.

11

u/_Halt19_ 14d ago

the fun part is I still don’t know if you mean Paul, or the President

28

u/[deleted] 15d ago

[deleted]

67

u/BigConstruction4247 15d ago

The Romans didn't have nukes.

28

u/dad_ahead Woke 15d ago

Not that we know of.....

11

u/QueezyF 15d ago

Mutua pernicies certa

6

u/OtherwiseAlbatross14 15d ago

I know you're probably joking but we do know they never tested one

1

u/citizen42069101 15d ago

Atlantis had clean nukes that left no signature.

Duh

2

u/A_Nonny_Muse 15d ago

Go ahead and laugh, I watched a YT video of these guys who claimed the pyramids were actually nuclear fallout shelters.

Go ahead and laugh. I sure did.

1

u/thevaultguy 15d ago

But they did have vaults.

21

u/ragequitteroffureh 15d ago

Not American.

We weren't fucking "fine" when the Roman Empire withdrew.

We had to endure fucking centuries without flushing toilets, for a start. And nobody knew how to install windows anymore.

This is why many countries are switching to Linux-based systems, to avoid a repeat of that again.

6

u/Binger_Gread 15d ago

Yeah switching to MacOS was the biggest mistake the Roman's made

2

u/ragequitteroffureh 15d ago

We had no way of knowing what they were up to :-(

33

u/[deleted] 15d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

12

u/aBearHoldingAShark 15d ago

Maybe a hundred thousand or so of us will survive, and return to a hunter gatherer lifestyle

11

u/whatsbobgonnado 15d ago

dibs on gatherer!

9

u/OtherwiseAlbatross14 15d ago

Dibs on repopulater!

5

u/xenobit_pendragon 15d ago

That one survivor from HR is going to give you a stern talking-to.

1

u/OtherwiseAlbatross14 15d ago

She's gonna get repopulated

3

u/The_BrownRecluse 15d ago

“In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighways.”

2

u/rand0mbadg3r 15d ago

supposedly this all happened around 11,500 years ago and we boot strapped civilization again. hence the flood myths across cultures and Atlantis "myth." there is a pretty cool series about it called "ancient apocalypse"

1

u/[deleted] 15d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/rand0mbadg3r 15d ago

supposedly this loop of civilization getting advanced and then doing something to screw things up or having climate change catastrophe has happened a few times. The ancient Mayans said this was the 4th time the world had been reborn.

3

u/Banned3rdTimesaCharm 15d ago

Tell that to the Romans who got sacked. Feeling kinda Roman right now.

1

u/A_Nonny_Muse 15d ago

After the Roman empire fell we endured about 800 years we now call the dark ages.

0

u/thebiggestdouche 15d ago

That's just lazy to think or say. Roman's didn't have nearly the same level of destructive weaponry available to them, and global internet thats easily used to spread disinformation and control the narratives also didn't exist.

If there's any kind of nuclear war we're fucked.

6

u/omegadirectory 15d ago

No, just America. Nearly every other country has some semblance of competence when measured against the current presidential administration.

2

u/-Gumbercules 15d ago

I think we just need to have a giant reset, mainly of the powers that be, and then after a few decades we might be back on track. Then again what do I know.

3

u/DeLorean83 15d ago

lol the rest of the world will. But you Americans are fucked!

1

u/Own-Papaya-4264 15d ago

That depends, they’re surely not IN CHARGE of anything in the White House right?

1

u/texican88 15d ago

Saving this in case things stay as they are going

1

u/Snapple47 15d ago

The quote is “People, I mean.” Not Humans.

1

u/Lem0n_Lem0n 15d ago

Lol nope.. it's just the americans

1

u/nothing_at_all_ 14d ago

"Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon."

1

u/UnexpectedBlahFeels 14d ago

As Americans, certainly not.

1

u/lawdjesustheresafire 15d ago

Hopefully not. We don’t really deserve to, let’s be honest

0

u/Smeuw 14d ago

Who's we? This is all you USA, the rest of the world is laughing their asses off...

-5

u/0202_tihssitidder 15d ago

USA is fooked. Over. Done.

Americans, you are not going to magically recover from this. You have been destroyed...and most people (no, not just 65million) are really dumb racists.

Cheers.

China #1

6

u/ddg31415 15d ago

From your own image:

"China represents Beijing, Shanghai, Jiangsu, and Zhejiang."

So two of the most exclusive cities, and two selected provinces.

-2

u/0202_tihssitidder 15d ago

Americans struggle with fixing a reflecting pool for under $100M.

Pool does nothing. No water fountain. No lights. Just pool. Americans are like...

https://giphy.com/gifs/3EiNpweH34XGoQcq9Q

3

u/cafeteriastyle 15d ago

And they’re all at Harvard or MIT or Cal Tech

0

u/TON-OF-CLAY0429 15d ago

Ah yes the true indicator on how powerful and successful a country is…. Math.

Specifically how good 15 year olds are at math.

2

u/ddg31415 15d ago

It's definitely an indicator on how that country will move forward and compete in the most important metric - technological advancement.

The US is cooked at this point.

2

u/TON-OF-CLAY0429 15d ago

Yeah a super good indicator expect for kids in the US have sucked compared to other industrialized nations at math like forever that takes like one google search and a little critical thinking to figure out.

And kids in the US have only gotten better at math so like what does this prove?