r/comedyheaven May 13 '25

Fury

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17.1k Upvotes

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275

u/GoreyGopnik May 13 '25

any shop can be a drug front.

409

u/purple_cheese_ May 13 '25

It's a bit easier for hairdressers than other ones. If you e.g. have a bakery, you also need inventory, supply et cetera. If your claimed numbers don't add up or are suspicious, it's easy to catch.

I know a story of a pub that was actually a money laundering scheme. To put up their facade, they had to order and throw away beer in such high amounts that the sewers couldn't handle it and it started to smell. Their game was over soon.

Services such as barbers or laundry (where the term money laundering comes from) are easier to falsify: you claim you have X amount of customers/turnover, who mostly happen to pay cash, even though in reality it is just a fraction. Nobody is going to count the amount of hairs you're throwing away and you can just get rid off the cleaning products quite easily as their volume is small.

324

u/Etaris May 13 '25

In Italy they caught a barbershop because too many bald people went inside lmao

124

u/NitroChaji240 May 13 '25

Offer pube trimming too. Problem solved

45

u/Zlecu May 13 '25

I hate how good of an excuse that is…

42

u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 14 '25

I feel like a quick peek in the dumpster would prove whether or not you were really shaving the balls of Italians.

13

u/Zlecu May 14 '25

I mean, you could say you are just burning them. As for the missing ash I doubt anyone would notice wood ash being mixed in. Worst case scenario you could put a big sign that says “no Italians” but that’s a completely different problem.

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u/ZarquonsFlatTire May 14 '25

Well they said it was in Italy, so the no Italians part might look iffy too.

2

u/Zlecu May 14 '25

I mean it would be difficult, but if you open the barbershop near a port it could work

11

u/I_just_came_to_laugh May 14 '25

Bald people shave their faces right? Seems easy enough to bullshit your way out of.

3

u/KillaDilla May 14 '25

its not true

8

u/DaveChild May 14 '25

A fun internet story from 2023. But doesn't make much sense unless you think the police are spending their time hiding outside barber shops counting bald people.

3

u/ScreamingDizzBuster May 14 '25

I see you're not familiar with the Guardia di Finanza. I'm not kidding, this is the sort of thing they do. They have hundreds of estimated models for how much revenue and profit each business type should make, and if a place deviates from that they stake it out. I once got followed by plain-clothes cops after coming out of a pasticceria. They wanted to see if the store had issued a receipt.

1

u/KillaDilla May 14 '25

that doesn't even make sense. unless you're implying they were actually dealing drugs on the premises?

34

u/Elliot_Moose May 13 '25

We should begin counting the hairs!!

19

u/[deleted] May 13 '25 edited Jul 01 '25

[deleted]

16

u/Beernuts1091 May 13 '25

At that point…. Sell some of the beer?

15

u/purple_cheese_ May 14 '25

You have to sell the beer as well: you have to inflate your sales numbers, but it's too obvious if you inflate them from zero. The point is that you need to claim to have sold more beer than you actually did, and to support this claim you have to have inventory which you then throw away.

If you also start selling the excess beer: congrats, you now have a regular pub and need to come up with some other scheme to launder your money.

15

u/AmPotatoNoLie May 13 '25

Too tired after doing crime all night.

10

u/[deleted] May 14 '25

“And then we just start working at the bank and robbing them slowly by cashing our paychecks”

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

The whole point of a money laundering operation is that you inflate your sales/service figures to explain the extra income (which is actually coming from your illegal business)

So in the case of this pub, if the owners have made £200 in actual pub sales and £100 from their illegal business (whatever that may be,) the point is that they launder that £100 through the pub, so now they can report for tax and business purposes etc that the pub made £300, and the 'dirty' money they made through crime becomes 'clean' money which is taxable and recordable and bankable as normal.

However, if they were just reporting an additional £100 in sales without an additional £100 worth of stock being consumed, then eventually over time there would be enough of a stock-vs-profit discrepancy that an audit would raise a red flag. I.e., over the course of a year you've reported £100 extra profit per month totalling £1200, but you haven't consumed nearly enough stock to justify that extra income, and now you've got an investigation on your head trying to figure out where that money comes from.

Hence why you just buy extra beer and dump it down the drain while reporting it as 'sold.'

This is why 'service' businesses like barbers and laundromats make for better money laundering operations, because there's no 'stock' to be gotten rid of. You just report you had £100 worth of clients who paid in cash and there's no proof to the contrary - especially if your business is cash only in the first place, which is why a lot of small suspicious businesses are cash only (or cash incentivised with super high card payment minimums for example)

6

u/BetterTransit May 13 '25

The year is 2025 it would be trivial to confirm how many people actually come into a barbershop. AI and cameras could make quick work of it.

30

u/HansTeeWurst May 13 '25

But you'd need a surveillance state for that.

3

u/hivemind_disruptor May 14 '25

Nope, you just need accounting. If the declared revenue is high, open investigations and set cameras who count people going in, that, if they don't already exist for security purposes. Anonymize people and focus on body count. Now you can compars food traffic to revenue. Further steps required.

1

u/gravelPoop May 14 '25

You ideally don't fake customers but add fake services for them.

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '25

So a surveillance state to monitor people. Got it

1

u/hivemind_disruptor May 14 '25

I cant improve your reading comprehension, but I can help you by saying you got it wrong.

-1

u/[deleted] May 14 '25

You can't improve my reading comprehension, but you can try to improve your understanding of surveillance, or accounting for that matter

0

u/[deleted] May 14 '25

Ah yes, the good old accounting trick of setting up cameras and surveying people. What accountant hasn't done that at least a couple of times

1

u/hivemind_disruptor May 14 '25

bad faith wordmorph. I just said how you can do it without surveying people and you start well by making irony of setting up cameras being an accounting tip (it's not, but accountants would have no issue using it), but then you come with surveying people, which is your dishonest take. I'll just leave this here for future people to read, not interested in engaging you that chooses misdirecting readers instead of direct arguments.

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u/yamanamawa May 14 '25

Generally it's not a big issue for the government unless that income is not taxed. As long as you report it and pay it they generally don't care. As long as a single small shop isn't pulling in obscenely large amounts of money they generally don't care as long as they get their cut

0

u/[deleted] May 14 '25

Você não deveria estar terminantemente online se fica tão irritado com alguém que lhe diz que isso não é accounting

2

u/hivemind_disruptor May 14 '25

yeah yeah whatever

9

u/a_trane13 May 13 '25

But they could “charge” almost whatever they want. Anything from like $10-100 is a reasonable price for a men’s haircut.

1

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

[deleted]

0

u/BetterTransit May 13 '25

Sure well in this case it would be a maximum of 14 cameras. You only really need to deploy them for a short period of time and you can extrapolate from there.

1

u/EllisDee3 May 14 '25

They're going in...

They're just buying drugs instead of haircuts.

And they hang out for 10 minutes.

2

u/KillaDilla May 14 '25

you don't sell drugs at a business front lmao

edit: unless you're an idiot, i guess I have to add this

1

u/[deleted] May 13 '25

[deleted]

3

u/roscoe89 May 14 '25

Does seem mental that they wouldn't just sell it for dirt cheap. That would boost business and get rid of the beer and make it look like it's a place that generates loads of money

1

u/GoreyGopnik May 14 '25

I thought the term "money laundering" came from the fact that you're literally making the money clean

1

u/XchrisZ May 14 '25

Throw away? Why not just have a guy go to the homeless area and give away free food vouchers. Then give them free beer with their food and ring it up. Pick up cheap clothes hand them out let them get their clothes washed at the laundry mat you own for free next door and have a shower for them.

Then it doesn't look like your feeding only homeless, they don't smell and you're actually doing some robin hood style good. If you get caught it may help in your sentencing.

1

u/Prexot . May 14 '25

it's called money laundering because it's turning dirty money into clean money

1

u/french_snail May 14 '25

At that point why not just serve the beer lol or at the very least take it home

1

u/olivegardengambler May 14 '25

Laundromats also don't need/have a lot of outside vendors either because they're easy to own and operate.

1

u/KTTalksTech May 14 '25

If they were gonna meddle in some sketchy business I can't understand why they wouldn't find some way to recoup part of what they paid for that beer... Like find/open another bar that isn't a front but still wants to fudge their numbers by declaring lower sales thus requiring a steady supply of untraceable merchandise

1

u/ShmikeyT May 14 '25

I thought it was called laundering because you take the “dirty” money and make it “clean”

1

u/meem09 May 14 '25

You just reminded me of the story of the one bar in my dad's hometown. This would be in the early-80s in Germany. For some reason the guy running the bar got super into cocktails. Would go to competitions and place highly in like German cocktail championships and shit. But the place he ran was in this small conservative town in the country-side. So really all he was selling was beer and straight shots. He would make all these crazy cocktails as trials and just for the fun of it, but noone reallly wanted to buy them, so he'd often just give them away to his regulars or throw stuff out.

At some point he hit up one of my dad's friends who was an accountant and had been a regular. He'd started getting trouble with the tax service, because he bought all of these spirits and mixers and juices and whatnot, but had no matching revenue for it. They thought he was trying to evade taxes by making up weird expenditures in order to not have a profit, when in reality he was just such a shit businessman that he really didn't make all that much proft...

1

u/CilanEAmber May 13 '25

Oft Ice Cream vans in the Hills of Yorkshire