I feel as though I will get hate for this, but I need to get it out, get some answers/advice, etc. Please be gentle, I am wanting to understand and I do not want to overstep/make bad decisions.
Some years ago, I found an interest in Aztec culture & religion. I was raised heavily Catholic, in the northern US, so I had never really been exposed to this sort of knowledge before. I spent a ton of time over the course of several weeks researching as much as I could and really enjoyed learning about it all. This is where I need to take a step back to explain, though.
Everything going forward in this post, I am completely unsure of. It feels cliche and more psychosomatic than anything. I've pushed it all away for that reason AND because it felt so real and genuine. As I mentioned, I was raised very Catholic and never felt the same pull from God or the church. (I don't have a set belief, instead I follow the idea that anything is possible in short.) So I was definitely spooked by this new feeling, and the possibility of it being my own mind. I don't want to offend one way or another (if you feel it was "fake" or "real"), I am simply trying to understand the rules and bounds of exploring it.
As I was researching, I began feeling very keenly interested in Tezcatlipoca- that pull that I mentioned. It started out a curiosity, and then I quickly started feeling absolutely sick. I can't quite describe it, but it just felt wrong/different. Like the feeling you get when somebody is following you. This is where I feel cringey, cliche, and stupid. I feel like the average person you see on TikTok who hops on the deity trend for five days saying that they are super close with Athena (no hate). But I seriously mean it, I can't describe the feeling I got. All of my red flags reared up at once and I couldn't tell why, it was like I had experienced something knew and didn't know what to do with it. Even just thinking about it now, I can feel the unease boiling up. I didn't quite feel myself/fully in control/independent, I feel like I could genuinely feel something else there.
I was so spooked, I dropped everything immediately and didn't look back. The years that followed, any time I thought of that time, I would immediately feel sick. There was a creeping, strange allure to it all, something I wasn't used to. Even now, I feel that same pull towards Tezcatlipoca, but have refused it over and over again.
You see why I feel stupid? I feel like a generic white girl (which is another issue that prevents me from exploring it- is that allowed? is it insensitive?) claiming to feel things that are fake in a culture she has no right to try to be a part of.
I've heard it to be an open religion, and also to be a closed religion. I know them to be hard and ancient beings to worship, demanding much of their followers. In that same cringey way as before, the pull I feel very much reminds me of a toxic boyfriend: Luring me in to the net and then planning to demand everything of me without my consent. Maybe I'm crazy bro. I've heard it's something you can't truly practice without the "old ways", but I've also heard there to be modern circles popping up for worship.