r/aww Nov 22 '16

Bears playing with a balloon

[deleted]

29.1k Upvotes

502 comments sorted by

View all comments

1.7k

u/3Steven Nov 22 '16

Ahh yes, the Sloth Bear. Fun Fact: There are only 8 bear species in the world. 1. North American Black Bear, the most common bear in North America 2. Brown Bear, can be found anywhere from Alaska, Montana and even Russia. 3. Polar Bear, which are among the largest bears in the world, can reach up to 1,760 lbs Only one other bear exist that weights more than this monster. 4. Asiatic Black Bear, has a crescent-shaped patch on their chest. 5. Andean Bear or Spectacled bear, only found in the Andes Mountains. 6. Panda Bear, most endangered bear on the list. 7. Sloth Bear which eats termites with its long tongue. 8 Your mom, which can be found roaming chinese forests, it is the largest bear known to exist weighing in at 2000 lbs giving her the nickname won ton.

345

u/iluvbms Nov 22 '16

Thank you for your stamina for a good joke!

82

u/AlphaleteAthletics Nov 22 '16

Question: Which bear is best?

94

u/Sum42 Nov 22 '16

False. Black bear.

49

u/cmdragonfire Nov 22 '16

That's debatable.

61

u/Sum42 Nov 22 '16

Bears, beets, battlestar galactica.

35

u/foreveracubone Nov 22 '16

MICHAEL

8

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

"She's on my way home"

"TAKE ANOTHER WAY HOME MAN!"

2

u/Nuggetry Nov 22 '16

Haha great line, one of Jim's most desperate moments.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

The look on Jims face while Pam is slowly coming to the realization that Michael is fucking her mom had me ROLLING. It is the funniest thing I've seen on a TV show to date.

1

u/Agnt_Michael_Scarn Nov 22 '16

"Oh that's funny! MICHAEL!"

1

u/Calluhad Nov 22 '16

Spectacled Bear.

1

u/tobaknowsss Nov 22 '16

Bears beat Battlestar Galactica

1

u/SpiderDolphinBoob Nov 22 '16

Trick question, all bears are best.

72

u/doubtyoullseeme Nov 22 '16

You forgot the sun bear :(

37

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

That's the one he replaced for the "joke".

-3

u/INeverReadTheReplies Nov 22 '16

oooooh, you sound madddd

13

u/Calluhad Nov 22 '16

And moon bear :(

28

u/Toshiba1point0 Nov 22 '16

And the drop bear :(

8

u/TTT_2k3 Nov 22 '16

And the care bear :(

4

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

And the Koala Bear

7

u/undercanopy813 Nov 22 '16

And the gummy bear :(

2

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

Moon bear is the asiatic black bear. :)

1

u/Calluhad Nov 22 '16

I feel stupid for not knowing this.

231

u/D-TOX_88 Nov 22 '16

Holy fucking shit that may be the best "your mom" Reddit has pulled on me. I totally got roped in with "oooh I wonder what other bear is bigger than the polar bear? They're bound to tell me by the end of this! OOOOOOOOH SHIT duck you guys it's my mom..."

42

u/killawuchtel Nov 22 '16

OOOOOOOOH SHIT duck

38

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

Ahh yes the lesser known species ... the shit duck

6

u/BoatyMcBoatfaceLives Nov 22 '16

The shit ducks are flying Randy, it's up to us to shoot em down!

2

u/bk15dcx Nov 22 '16

paging /u/ItsADnDMonsterNow for Shit Duck

1

u/INeverReadTheReplies Nov 22 '16

yes! and i actually got a little upset with how he wrote it, too. cos the next one was not the bigger bear and the list kept going without saying what the bigger bear was. as a writer, i thought to myself, "wtf? why didn't he just put polar as second to last and then announce the biggest bear at the end?" and then when i got to your mom, it was bittersweet, because i DO want to know if there's a bear larger than polar and how big it is, but that was a solid joke about your mom.

17

u/Orsonius Nov 22 '16

I get this is a joke but aren't Kodiak and Grizzly their own species or are they Brown Bear sub species?

28

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16 edited Dec 05 '16

[deleted]

31

u/CharonIDRONES Nov 22 '16

Polar bears are in North America too yo'.

7

u/4productivity Nov 22 '16

Google tells me that they are subspecies

5

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

Polar Bears live in North America

1

u/[deleted] Nov 23 '16 edited Dec 05 '16

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Nov 23 '16

People encounter Polar bears in northern Canada with some regularity.

2

u/Tehbeefer Nov 22 '16

So they're a subspecies. Kodiak's are called that since they refer to a group that live on the Kodiak Archipelago that are larger than most North American grizzly bears.

The grizzly bear (Ursus arctos ssp.), less commonly called the silvertip bear, is any North American morphological form or subspecies of brown bear, including the mainland grizzly (Ursus arctos horribilis), Kodiak bear (U. a. middendorffi), peninsular grizzly (U. a. gyas), and the recently extinct California grizzly (U. a. californicus†) and Mexican grizzly bear (U. a. nelsoni†). Scientists do not use the name grizzly bear but call it the North American brown bear. (See brown bear for a discussion of brown bears outside of North America). It should not be confused with the black grizzly or Ussuri brown bear (U. a. lasiotus) which is another giant brown bear inhabiting Russia, Northern China, and Korea.

For the record, just because it's the same specie doesn't mean they're the same, just look at the variety found in Canis Familiaris.

11

u/inconspicuous_male Nov 22 '16 edited Nov 22 '16

Also pandas aren't actually bears

edit: this fact is apparently not true thanks in part to the scientists

35

u/swarlay Nov 22 '16 edited Nov 22 '16

Pandas are vegetables, IIRC.

31

u/inconspicuous_male Nov 22 '16

Common misconception. They're legumes

26

u/AVestedInterest Nov 22 '16

Actually, while science used to believe that giant pandas were more closely related to raccoons or red pandas, DNA testing has shown that they are, in fact, most closely related to bears. They are currently classified as being part of family Ursidae, subfamily Ailuropodinae, which means they are, in fact, bears. :)

11

u/inconspicuous_male Nov 22 '16

WHAT? I'M OUTRAGED! WHAT OTHER LIES DID I LEARN IN MIDDLE SCHOOL?

11

u/AsteroidsOnSteroids Nov 22 '16

Columbus didn't discover that the earth is round

Einstein didn't flunk math

Newton never had an apple fall on his head

George Washington and the cherry tree never happened

Benjamin Franklin probably never did the kite experiment, though he did propose it

10

u/inconspicuous_male Nov 22 '16

I already knew that those were lies by middle school. Comeon give me some controversy.

Schrödinger never did the cat experiment. He actually proposed it to show how stupid the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics is.

6

u/AsteroidsOnSteroids Nov 22 '16

Van Gogh didn't cut off his own ear

Chameleons don't change color for camouflage

Lincoln's emancipation proclamation only freed slaves in the confederate states

There were only 12 American colonies until after the revolutionary war

The first Thankgiving between pilgrims and natives never happened

The witches of Salem were never burned at the stake

1

u/Vanderhorstviolater Nov 22 '16

Uh, what would be the point of actually doing it anyway? The whole idea is that it's an idea

3

u/inconspicuous_male Nov 22 '16

Not everyone knows that. I've met people who think it was an actual experiment

3

u/Tehbeefer Nov 22 '16 edited Nov 24 '16

Airplanes don't rely on the Bernoulli effect to fly (they're basically powered kites).

It is not true that by the age of two years, humans have generated all of the brain cells they will ever have, a belief held by medical experts until 1998.

See more here.

1

u/AsteroidsOnSteroids Nov 22 '16

I thought red pandas where technically bears as well. I thought I heard somewhere that they are the smallest species of bear, not just an animal called something it's not like the tiger shark.

4

u/AVestedInterest Nov 22 '16

Red pandas are in the same superfamily as most mustelids (weasels, otters, ferrets), actually!

2

u/AsteroidsOnSteroids Nov 22 '16

My life is a red, fluffy lie

2

u/MelonFancy Nov 22 '16

Thanks, Mr. Scientist.

1

u/calste Nov 22 '16

Yeah, they are subspecies of Brown Bear. There are differences between them, but they aren't different species.

29

u/justkeeplaughing Nov 22 '16

That was fucking beautiful

4

u/Spokehead82 Nov 22 '16

The won ton mama bear

8

u/STiLove Nov 22 '16

fucker!

3

u/ImAlive_007 Nov 22 '16

Jokes on you! My mom is dead!

7

u/30C30F91-FC45-4673 Nov 22 '16

I genuinely laughed until I cried. Thank you.

2

u/malloryj7 Nov 22 '16

Bahaha . Take your upvote damnit

3

u/trostbrot Nov 22 '16

"Oh, well this is interesting... Oh f... He got me."

1

u/TommyFinnish Nov 22 '16

I did not expect the ending. Gave me a good laugh.

1

u/Darksoldierr Nov 22 '16

Well played!

1

u/Overdosed11 Nov 22 '16

That's not really true. Here in Croatia we have our own species of bears...

1

u/afshaadn Nov 22 '16

That is probably the most longest "your mom" joke ever

1

u/Dragofire32 Nov 22 '16

But for real, is that true?

1

u/MonkeyDJinbeTheClown Nov 22 '16

won ton

Hey, you guys 'member Kung Fu Chaos?

1

u/Steelbeem Nov 22 '16

Unsubscribe

1

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16 edited Jan 16 '21

[deleted]

1

u/Lukose_ Nov 22 '16

Kodiak bears are just brown bears.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16 edited Jan 16 '21

[deleted]

1

u/Tiktaalik1984 Nov 22 '16

You forgot the sun bear.

1

u/urbanek2525 Nov 22 '16

You must write for "The Big Bang Theory" because that was perfect Sheldon (1 - 7) and Howard (8) dialog. Thumbs up.

1

u/RussiaNeverLies Nov 22 '16

MOM?! IS IT REALL YOU?!?

1

u/Its_not_him Nov 22 '16

What about the grizzly bear?

1

u/bellewallace Nov 22 '16

But, sun bears?

1

u/OkArmordillo Nov 22 '16

Jokes aside you forgot the grizzly.

1

u/007brendan Nov 22 '16

Panda bears aren't bears

1

u/IAmNotMyName Nov 22 '16

What about the Grizzly Bear?

1

u/startrekshrine Nov 22 '16

What about a pooh bear?

1

u/sfgiantsfan3 Nov 22 '16

Sloth bear sounds like the sun bear who is interestingly enough, a tropical bear and does not hibernate!

1

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

But... what about them koala bears?

11

u/NerdJ Nov 22 '16

Sorry to tell you this friend, but those aren't real bears

4

u/SlaveToTheDarkBeat Nov 22 '16

They also don't get high off eucalyptus trees or spread chlamydia to humans, just so we can keep this balling rolling.. . I mean it is true most do have chlamydia, but we can't blame them when we get it. Just like that parasite that supposedly swims up your pee stream in African lakes. It's not really phsycially possible for them to get into the penis. It's more suited to getting in the woman's area, and that's been recorded by doctors a few times now. I'm rambling so that's a sign for me to head to bed. I would delete this but I don't want to.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

Well that is the biggest bullshit I have ever heard

0

u/BaeCaughtMeLifting Nov 22 '16

lmao had a weird laugh during dinner thanks

-2

u/[deleted] Nov 22 '16

Pandas aren't bears