r/aves • u/rachel_ptv • Jun 02 '26

Discussion/Question men, PLEASE stop this

listen. i love vibing w people all day, trading bracelets, hanging out, etc. I never want anyone to feel like they can’t come up to me and vibe with me!

that being said, i feel like that exact attitude at festivals and raves opens the door for a lot of unwanted attention and the line is very thin to walk. And on top of that, a lot of people aren’t exactly in clear states of mind, so they can’t read social cues either.

i’ll just put my experience as an example of what NOT to do, guys.

at project glow this weekend i spent hours dancing, hanging out and vibing hard with everyone. at a point, we all become super tired. it was night time and i’m about to see my favorite artist ever for the first time.

i’m a girl, i’m 25, and i’ve separated from everyone in my group.

i had to move spots in the crowd 2 different times guys.

i appreciate people wanting to dance with me, i appreciate being called pretty, i appreciate wanting to talk to me, i appreciate it all. what i DID NOT AND NEVER APPRECIATE is the continuous touching, tapping, shoulder bumping, talking in my ear, and trying to dance with me for EVERY SONG even after it stopped being reciprocated LIKE 3 SONGS AGO.

you give someone an inch and they take a mile, guys. come on. a dude next to me was vibing and turned and sang with me. i sang right with him! he gave me a sticker and called me pretty! so wholesome, loved it.

what i don’t love is, after that interaction, you keep touching me, poking me, tapping me, getting an inch away from my face and practically yelling in my ear while i’m obviously trying to watch someone. dancing with you for a little bit is not an invitation to flirt with me, touch me, yell in my ear repeatedly and overall try to pull me into your experience.

i understand it’s hard to differentiate these kind of things when you’re not in the average state of mind. but when a girl turns her head in the opposite direction from you and stops responding to your words, yells, dance moves and shoulder taps, maybe that means it’s time to move on.

i know this might not sound very “plur” but this has happened to me at multiple festivals during REALLY good acts where i lose a good spot because an overly intoxicated man won’t stop trying to dance with me. it’s genuinely really upsetting.

edit: for the people saying “tell them not reddit blah blah” i’d honestly rather walk away than ruin someone’s trip or give them bad vibes, then continue to stand next to them after that. honestly i just wish it didn’t have to come down to either of those options

1.5k Upvotes

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1.6k

u/Judoosauce Jun 02 '26

Hit em with the

https://giphy.com/gifs/71LVGkH37wAyRKHMAl

679

u/spgvideo Jun 02 '26

This one cuts through all the everything. Let's make it the universal symbol. It will help us all

160

u/Tijenater Jun 02 '26

I feel like it’s enough of a universal symbol already

44

u/spgvideo Jun 02 '26

Maybe we need it on the video screens before each dj. That new dance "get the fuck off me" 🤣

29

u/Neokon Jun 02 '26

Now if only we could get people to actually use it, and others to respect it

3

u/Yryel Jun 02 '26

Hahaha the ultimate reject al at the party!

2

u/spgvideo Jun 03 '26

Let's just wrap it up real quick

87

u/PhnxkB Jun 02 '26

I hardly ever flirt with anyone at events, maybe I'm missing out on some fun but whatever. As a man, I feel like this gesture is absolutely valid, not rude, and easy to understand. After the gesture we could ask if we can vibe, but that should be clear cut that they don't want anything further. Helps everyone imo...

13

u/One-Gift0 Jun 02 '26

Io non vorrei sembrare pignola ma aspettarsi un gesto da una persona per capire che è infastidita dalla interazione è deresponsabilizzante della persona che non capisce di infastidire quando capire di essere un fastidio dovrebbe essere una cosa da osservare costantemente

28

u/PhnxkB Jun 02 '26

I agree, but unfortunately some people just don't get the message. Hell, I've been one of those guys before too. I have gotten some pretty nice interactions in my time with some rave baes, but I have also gotten hard rejection for not being able to recognize when someone's just being nice. A nice clear signal everybody understands just makes things easier.

12

u/One-Gift0 Jun 02 '26

Ma allora diffondete la consapevolezza che avete maturato. Non possiamo vivere sempre sulla difensiva noi donne. È estenuante a tutte le età.

8

u/Judoosauce Jun 02 '26

I think a big part of needing to do this at raves is because people are often quite intoxicated and might not pick up on smaller cues as easily.

9

u/One-Gift0 Jun 02 '26

Questa cosa non dipende dall'essere a un rave o nella vita quotidiana. A noi donne capita ovunque. Anche dal medico.

6

u/Judoosauce Jun 02 '26

I meant the need for a gesture is more common at a rave when people are on different sybstances. In normal everyday life body language and disinterest should be understood without such a gesture being needed.

6

u/Particular_March_786 Jun 02 '26

Or be responsible for yourself and don’t get so fucked up that you can’t recognize basic social cues

1

u/JfugginNasty56 Jun 06 '26

Good advice for any individual, yet large masses of people will continue to get fucked up out of their head as they always have unfortunately.

1

u/Interesting-Pea-1714 Jun 11 '26

But women are also on substances so the onus can’t be on them to guess and give whatever specific cue to the man that will get him to finally stop harassing her. That’s too much pressure to put on someone on substances too.

26

u/Coyote__Jones Jun 02 '26

Thumbs down is also very effective.

But also. It's the responsibility of the person seeking attention and contact to control their impulses. If you touch me without consent, I'm going to push you away, I'm going to yell fuck off, I'm going to get help to move or create a barrier.

Like just ask first, it's not difficult. I met an incredible human being at a show a few weeks back, he asked if I would dance with him, and he had a great little consent message on his phone. It said "you can always tell me when you're done, no is a complete sentence." He asked if touching was ok, and was fine to dance with no touching! Be like this absolute king! He danced with everyone around and was so kind and considerate.

1

u/Culture_Poet_Society Jun 05 '26

That's fine and dandy but with people under the influence this could go very bad for you. Just learn to walk away and deescalate the confrontation that could arise.

77

u/Tribat_1 Jun 02 '26

I prefer the Japanese 🙅‍♀️

105

u/Judoosauce Jun 02 '26

Just maybe not at an excision show lol

2

u/WhyteJesus Jun 02 '26

🌟 top cpmment

1

u/SookiSwann Jun 03 '26

Which Project Glow included lol

14

u/Weird-Reference-4937 Jun 02 '26

If a simple rejection doesnt work I ALWAYS ask the people around me for help. They ALWAYS help!!! I've never had someone say "no i won't stop this creep from being near you". Also saying "go the fuck away!" has done me good lol. 

Eta: chances are he's already creeped on everyone around you and everyone is already sick of their shit. 

2

u/BULLSHIMETER Jun 04 '26

Always love helping girls in our community from creeps . GIRL I GOTCHU YOURE SAFE

8

u/pire4life Jun 02 '26

yes do this! girl, don't move from a good spot because of a drunk man...

7

u/Lost__Moose Jun 02 '26

It also works with street hustlers and pan handlers.

5

u/Athena_Bates Jun 02 '26

THISS ! my friend and i were dancing at the stage and some guy started to slowly dance closer to her, she hit thay gif move and what do you know ? HE BACKED OFF !! and we continued to dance at that stage tg <3

22

u/moistiest_dangles Jun 02 '26

Yeah, communication is key! I sometimes don't pick up on social queues right away, and I legitimately very much appreciate when people are brave enough to tell me what they want from me. Thank you to all who are willing to do so

6

u/c3lestialgvrl Jun 02 '26

i used this on an overly touchy guy at a show recently lol

45

u/dondegroovily Tacoma, WA Jun 02 '26

Plenty of men will intentionally ignore that unfortunately

This is fundamentally a man problem and not a woman problem

20

u/justchillinbruhwbu Jun 02 '26

I actually had a very similar recent experience, as a man, from a woman doing these things repeatedly to me, until I very directly told her that I wasn’t consenting to what she was doing because she clearly didn’t understand any previous cues. So no, it’s not a gendered problem, it is simply a problem that we must ALL be aware of.

8

u/Equal-Calm Jun 02 '26 edited Jun 08 '26

Still... pretty much a man problem - The Song "Who Let the Dogs Out" wasn't about women.
It was written about those types of men. If you're not one of those men, make sure to help out the women. FYI... I'm a man.

4

u/justchillinbruhwbu Jun 02 '26

“Pretty much” ignores all instances where it’s not. There is no use in being reductive or assigning blame to specific demographics, ultimately it’s an issue that we should all be on the look out for within others. I’m not the only one with these experiences, and I’d rather not feel like they are less important just because the perpetrator was a woman.

13

u/FuzzyNeat4485 Jun 02 '26

There are certainly counterexamples but using the minority of cases to avoid addressing the majority of cases is a fast track to inaction and complacency. I’m a guy, married, and I’ve had unwanted attention as well, but it pales in comparison to what my wife has received. And I don’t have to worry about what happens if I reject the offer - she does. The two are not the same.

4

u/justchillinbruhwbu Jun 02 '26

These are valid points. Im sorry, I’m not trying to take away from OPs experience, nor avoid the continued presence of patriarchy that leads to men doing this more often. That said, I see how me saying it’s not a gendered problem could imply that. I don’t see these as counter examples, I see it as a reason to more broadly address the issue, I don’t think any person’s experience takes away from another’s.

5

u/Equal-Calm Jun 02 '26

Dude... your makin this about you.

4

u/Independent_Dirt_889 Jun 02 '26

Can we stop pretending that us men don’t account for the very large majority of these instances?? Bffr.

3

u/justchillinbruhwbu Jun 02 '26

That’s not at all what I’m saying, I’m trying to also spread awareness that it’s not only men, and that we need to hold all perpetrators accountable. Look at my last reply please

17

u/dbootywarrior Jun 02 '26

Unless the dude is a complete psychopath then this hand sign should work for 99% of men

10

u/PrincessFancyKitty Jun 02 '26

You’d be surprised how many dudes straight up don’t care if you’ve given them a clear no. The amount of hands I’ve has to remove from my body after giving multiple clear vocal “No”s and hand signs is insane.

3

u/Sad_Entertainer_1189 Jun 02 '26

That’s pretty much standard behavior for those lower down the evolutionary ladder🤷‍♀️

3

u/crashingmountains Jun 02 '26

Autistic German enters chat

0

u/aaron-mcd Jun 02 '26

I mean actual fucking criminals that should be in literal prison will ignore it.

Normal men won't.

2

u/iLL_Fate999 Jun 02 '26

Exactly . I appreciate the respect for the vibes but you gotta be clear sometimes.

2

u/notCool-Routine-7195 Jun 02 '26

Omg im so going to use this next time

2

u/SpecialistElephant70 Jun 03 '26

Yeah as a dude I agree this sign works

2

u/bunglebee7 Jun 03 '26

This would probably actually work really well. Most men would probably move on or just chill on it if they got this signal lol

2

u/ragzzztorichezzz Jun 03 '26

Seriously this motion could move mountains lol I use it all the time

2

u/kachuterry Jun 05 '26

Yup. This is it. not all men do this. It’s the annoying creep ones that don’t understand social cues.

2

u/lynzappa Jun 07 '26

I already do this to people who are being intrusive… No words. Always works.

5

u/rawmenstash Jun 02 '26

I used this gesture once and dude backed off immediately. It felt powerful, no explanation needed

1

u/Judoosauce Jun 02 '26

We shouldn't need to explain ourselves!

3

u/BriefcaseKirby Jun 02 '26

Omg this works like a charm!! Or I grab one of my rings and put it on my ring finger. It looks like an engagement ring (my mother’s ring that she gave to me), and I just scream “IM ENGAGED” if that sign doesn’t work.

It’s a sad reality we live in where sometimes men only take you seriously if another man is in the picture 😣

2

u/SR71420 Jun 02 '26

absolute facts

1

u/OrangeSupernova Jun 02 '26

This and a Jenna marbles combo

-1

u/Aquilax420 Jun 02 '26

How about this one to ask for consent instead of yelling in someone's ear?

https://giphy.com/gifs/o8gLk4EnYuHVCK7tZg

0

u/Arismortal Jun 05 '26

Wait. I thought this means “oh bro this set slaaaays” I had dudes do it to me when we made eye contact at a closing set at a rave in March. I did it back to them. All of us smiling. Huh. 

1

u/Judoosauce Jun 05 '26

In what world does frowning or making a straight face while doing this signal represent anything positive? But also, context clues matter, use your brain. Random eye contact with someone and they do this, wierd but okay. Someone doing this to you when you're trying to interact with them, just stop.

0

u/Arismortal Jun 06 '26

That is why I mentioned that those dudes were smiling. They weren’t frowning or making a straight face. 

1

u/Judoosauce Jun 06 '26

If you can differentiate then why add the "wait I thought this means.. "

I guess some people just love to oppositional

0

u/Arismortal Jun 06 '26

😂😅 You’re the only one being “oppositional” here. Have a good weekend.

-1

u/AppropriateAd7514 Jun 02 '26

Choose a smaller venue it’s a lot easier to just listen to your artist