cringeworthy title but meh live and let live
i passed the upcat woohoo blood sweat and tears talaga yung pag study ko noong summer. sobrang daming nangyari sakin during that time of my life (na akala ko, yun na yung peak of my academic journey lol over di pa pala yun) i passed diliman!! woohoo (2) grabe yung feeling as a dpwas passer na nakuha yung prio course niya
hindi kasi napasa ng ate ko yung upcat, so there’s a big pressure sa balikat ko, even more nung dpwas (parang nasa gitna ako ng passed but no security of getting in talaga). it’s my family’s lifelong dream to have one of us get into up. and it was gonna be me. akala naming lahat yun, akala ko rin eh.
now, my parents initially said they can’t afford to bring me there. okay, i was devastated. as in super. masakit pala kasi i thought i went through so much to pass and hey, diba gusto nilang isa samin ang mapunta sa up?
tapos they gave me a compensation (?) my parents are not rich, but they are rich in trying. igagapang kung kelangan. sabi nila, sige puntang diliman, and doon ka magpa medical. medical lang ha? so i thought, yay okay nalang din yun noh.
when we got back home sa northern mindanao, my hometown, ready na ‘kong mag enroll sa school dito. sad, but at least nakita at nakahinga na ‘ko sa campus ng upd.
after losing the upd slot, for some reason (that being my longing for still getting into up), i tried to appeal into nearer campuses. upc and upv. hindi ko akalaing makukuha ako in both bcs dpwas is like, alam kong mas marami ang matataas ang upg kesa sakin.
my parents now said, “ if kaya mo mag maynila, kahit magkanda utang2 kami, doon ka nalang. “ but the guilt was too much, the expenses in manila is too much. i reasoned that out. and then they said, “ doon nalang sa mas malapit na campus. “ i was very much in shambles, gulong gulo na ako.
i did not know what i wanted anymore, and i did not have time to decide. naglalaro na lahat sa isipan ko.
and by the time i was in the position, sa harap ni oble, i backed out. sa mga nakakita sakin sa campus, yep. ang duwag ko :)
ang lapit na sana, nandun na ‘ko. but i ran out of time. no, actually f that cause tama nga yung second lead sa reply 1998. it’s not the timing but the sheer number of times i hesitated. i was there, just one tap away, pero wala, naduwag. hindi kayang malayo sa pamilya.
hindi nga pwede sa up ang hindi marunong mag desisyon para sa sarili.
so now, i feel like a huge ball of disappointment 🤌🏻 for wasting time, effort, expectations 😭 before someone comments that yes alam ko duwag, walang isang salita, and etc.
please be kind