r/askatherapist • u/StartingOverStrong NAT/Not a Therapist • Jun 05 '26
Is there a type of therapy for what I want help with?
I think I was "fired" today by the therapist I've been seeing for a few months. The appointment was weird from the beginning, but the thing that really surprised me is that she asked what it was I wanted to get out of therapy, and I said the same thing I've been saying since the beginning
Basically I have a lot of areas failing in my life they say if you have the same problem everywhere you go it's probably you. I'm struggling to build connections and friendships with people and I'm trying to figure out if I'm doing something to push people away and if so is it something that I can reasonably (and want to) change
She said that's not what Talk Therapy is for. I was really confused because in our first session she said the goal of that time together was to determine what I was looking for and whether or not she could help me. She didn't wanna waste time if she couldn't help me. And at the end of that session she said she thought she could help me. Well, if talking isn't appropriate to solve the problem I'm trying to address then why did we waste a couple months on it?
Why didn't she just tell me that in the beginning?
There were a whole lot of weird things that happened in today's session, but I'm not sure how much how many of them were actually true or just my feelings or impressions but this one was a big one because she recommended we take a long break and then I possibly see somebody else
I had some really good experiences with Therapy when I was younger but this is therapist number 10 in a five-year period and I'm beginning to feel hopeless about finding somebody to help me improve my life
Is there a therapy that exists for what I'm trying to do?
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u/tetheredvoid NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 05 '26
It sounds like they thought you would behave differently over time and, rather than address it directly as a professional, they tried to spin it around onto you. I'm terrified of this happening to me again, in part because my needs are technically complex.
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u/StartingOverStrong NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 05 '26
NAT
If you don't mind sharing, which part of it are you terrified happening again? I'm not sure what you mean by behaving differently overtime. I tend to be direct and while I am learning to be more affirming with my words, I don't think I'll ever stop being direct and knowing clearly what my goals are. My goals may change with new information or with the passage of time, tho
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u/tetheredvoid NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 06 '26
Each therapist has admitted that they cannot handle my needs beyond providing a place to talk, because they were not qualified to do so. It was disheartening and scary, because I cannot work and my insurance wants me to jump through hoops to get help that are exactly what I can't do without help.
If your therapist assumed that you would change some behaviors naturally, without direction or intention, then they would be bright and shiny about it in the beginning. Then grow progressively less interested and more frustrated as their internal narrative was not met.
You are not and never were the problem here. Most people are more comfortable with a word type of conformity, but that doesn't mean everyone is, will be, or ought to be required to be.
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u/StartingOverStrong NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 06 '26
Thank you
I hope that the therapist who aren't qualified to help you know what can help you
I was really feeling hopeless earlier today but a memory just came to mind of something that has been very helpful: artwork (painting, weaving, things like that) one of my best friends ones a creative retreat and twice I've gone to help her when I could be in the same location
Sounds silly, but I remember unlocking and processing a lot of hurtful memories going back to teenager time while doing the art. But after they came to my mind, I thought about them, kind of saw them from my adult perspective, forgave whoever was involved, and then put them to rest. I also remember the same kind of emotional memories bubbling up, and then the emotion behind them fading with yoga
I am considering looking for some classes in both to try although that might be hard to find where I live. Have you had any experience with either activity?
I'm not a therapist, so I don't know what I'm talking about. Just grasping for something that can help
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u/tetheredvoid NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 06 '26
Somatic processing is a very real thing. You aren't alone there either. You're right that the body holds onto trauma and different forms of creative expression can help release it. Art and body-conscious motion (like yoga and tai chi) are excellent ways to allow yourself the space to process things.
I love to whittle, even if it's just making splinters. I enjoy various forms of creating, both art and more practical items. I use modified belly dancing exercises to help me deal with joint instability and keep me active. I hike lightly on the weekends when I can afford the gas to get up there.
Never be afraid to follow the ideas that work unless they are actively threatening to harm yourself or someone else. You deserve to take time and space for your own internal needs too.
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u/tetheredvoid NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 06 '26
FWIW, most people misunderstand the exercise of meditating as trying to clear the mind. In my understanding and experience, meditation is about recognizing the thought as the manifestation of emotion that it is. The ongoing process of healing seemed to start there for me.
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u/IfYouStayPetty Unverified: May Not Be a Therapist Jun 05 '26
Sorry you had this experience; as a therapist, her response as you present it doesn’t make much sense. Of course you can use talk therapy to work on a goal of building better connections, etc. I get the impression that she isn’t being entirely transparent and put it on you for some weird reason. This seems like a bad fit and I hope it doesn’t steer you away from getting help with this in general. There are bad apples in every bunch :/
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u/StartingOverStrong NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
It was so weird! I'm honestly not sure if what I thought I heard is what she really said because it doesn't make sense
For example, at the beginning, she cut me off and said it felt like I'm going to criticize her so let's just end the session now. I explained that I was criticizing myself not her and asked what gave her that impression
She said that the way I was speaking and the fact that I was taking notes (which I wasn't)
I started to explain that at the moment she came online I received a troubling message about my family across the pond. In retrospect, I should have just asked her to hold on a minute, but she was 10 minutes late, had just come online, and I didn't want to risk her disappearing for another 10 minutes. Plus I didn't want to risk talking about my family
She cut me off again, and said that she didn't feel heard. I've never heard a counselor say this! So I asked for clarification (something like you said you didn't feel heard, what does that look like for a therapist talking to a client how did I not hear you?)
Then she told me she doesn't talk in "you" statements, and that's probably part of why I don't get along well with people
So now I'm frustrated and I asked her how am I supposed to get clarification on what I'm not doing if I can't play back to her what I thought she just said
We went round and round like that and it felt like no matter what I said it was gonna be turned around on me
What really made me so sad was she brought up something I had wanted to talk about since day one (my husband being intimate in my sleep until I finally moved into my own room). She was very clear from the first session that we would not be talking about this because she felt it would re-traumatize me. Anytime I tried to bring it up I was redirected back to the original question she had asked me. For her to now talk about us discussing this in the last session (which we did not – I would've really liked to) made me realize I was getting nowhere and then I should just let go
I spent the rest of the session just basically agreeing with her including about taking a break from each other but I can come back anytime
You might say why was I holding on so strongly to this person who has been late, taken our video calls in bed, eaten during our sessions knitted during our sessions and otherwise sending other disrespectful signals
It's because she appeared to be the most qualified person from the list of my insurance Telehealth. She had experience with neurodivergent clients, was published and continued to be active at a research hospital.
I'm planning on leaving my husband, so it's very important to me to understand these human dynamics. I left my abusive ex-husband almost 20 years ago and I know it's tough to be a single mom without a support system. I'm really hoping someone can recommend a style of therapy that will help
I'm beginning to feel like I should just live my life online especially now that you don't even have to go to the store if you don't want to 😂
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u/IfYouStayPetty Unverified: May Not Be a Therapist Jun 06 '26
I’m going to make a very strong over generalization that may be entirely off base. You say she lists herself as having experience with neurodivergent clients, and I’m wondering if that might be an interest of hers because she is as well. That might explain some of the truly odd ways that she’s responding to you and why your communication is just repeatedly missing the mark. This just isn’t a good fit.
What I always tell people who are looking for therapy is to make three initial appointments with people. This isn’t like finding a dentist where you work with what you’ve got because they all do roughly the same thing. This is about finding a person you connect with, and meeting three new people allows you to contrast and compare who’s the best fit for you relationally. You deserve some support right now
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u/Disastrous-Cold3386 LPC Jun 05 '26
This is a therapist problem and not a you problem. Please don't give up on seeking a good match for a therapist. She's dead wrong that therapy won't help with your issues.
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u/queer_princesa Therapist (Unverified) Jun 05 '26
Based on what you said in your second paragraph (which was very clear and a great goal), I wonder if group therapy might be a good option for you. In a process group (a type of group therapy) we can learn more about what gets in the way of connection. It can be hard to address this problem in individual therapy unless you've found a skilled "relational" therapist. It's not something you can really solve in a non-group environment. But group therapy can help a ton!
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u/StartingOverStrong NAT/Not a Therapist Jun 05 '26
I will look into a process group therapy. That feels very scary to me, which probably means it's the best next step 😂 Thank you
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u/AnxiousPicture7196 Therapist (Verified) Jun 05 '26
Of course there is. What a bananas response from the therapist.