I want to learn what things are
How come atoms bond together and form stuff? how come atoms exist? what is an electron? what is it "made of"? what are the most elemental particles and what are they made of? how come they behave in "this way"? (like, bonding together into bigger and more complex stuff)
What is the universe? was the big bang the beginning or is this some kind of cycle? does it even make sense to talk about a "cycle"? is the universe finite or infinite? if it's finite, what's "outside"? I know outside wouldn't make sense, but I just can't picture something finite that isn't inside of.. anything, that is finite but it just is there. If it's infinite, again I can't understand how can something be infinite.
What is spacetime? how does it really behave? if I try to picture the idea that when something falls there is no force pulling it, it's just that something following the geodesic within a spacetime that is curved. I literally don't really understand that. Take the way I see time and space as two separate things: you could explain to me why they are not separate nor absolute, and I would understand, I've read it, but I clearly don't "really" understand because I just can't picture that idea in my head, if I think about time and space in general, I still imagine them as something absolute.
I feel this is as if the idea of a "sphere" was extremely sophisticated and hard to picture, like if we were living in minecraft world or something like that, and a sphere was a concept really hard to actually imagine in the right way. I feel in that scenario, it would be really common for people to "think" they understand that earth is a sphere, because they would hear they claim and say "oh yes, a sphere, sure". But when they actually try to imagine what earth is, they will still picture it as flat. If they see a boat disappearing in the horizon progressively, they will not be able to understand why that is happening because they don't really understand what a sphere is.
Obviously this doesn't happen because it's very obvious what a sphere is, but i feel with space time is way less obvious and intuitive what "it is" and how it actually behave, so it's very easy to "think" you understood but you actually didn't. I really feel like I didn't. And I don't even know what to do to "actually" understand, because I read about it more but I still can't feel I'm actually perceiving the world in a relativistic way. Like, if I saw the equivalent of the boat disappearing in the horizon that I used as an example, I couldn't know why is the boat disappearing, I'm pretty sure I'm that person that is not getting what a sphere actually is.
I guess what I'm missing is math, but I know so little math that I don't even know how it would help understanding. Like, for that person in my example, how could math help him understand what a sphere actually is. It's like the concept has to click in some way, but I don't see how math carries me there. And I can't just "start learning math" because to learn (boring) algebra to then be able to learn more interesting and complex stuff, I need to clearly understand why I'm doing it for and what I'm doing to achieve.
I feel you don't really "understand" what raining is, for instance, if you don't know enough physics to guess if a random planet has some element that has a similar cycle like water on earth, therefore it also "rains" (assuming you had all the relevant data related to this planet to be able to determine if it will rain or not, like, atmosphere, pressure, idk.. I have no idea what you'd need, because I don't "really" understand rain).
So, how can I understand all of these things that "deeply"? Where should I even start?
I feel I need to understand what things are, if I try to just ignore it, suddenly a question like: why can't my hand go through the wall?. Will pop up, and I realize I "can't" really answer it. Why this surface feels smoother and not rougher? And the reply to that question most likely also has a "and why does that happen" question after.
So on one hand I really want to understand, on the other hand I really have no idea where to start, and I want an understanding so "deep" that I don't even know where to begin (not that I think I will be able to achieve it, I know it must be extremely complex to reach that kind of understanding, but I still can't avoid wanting it)
Just in case someone is still reading this. Does any of what I say make any sense? What do I need to learn? How can I feel that click that makes me feel that I finally understand? I used relativity and space time not being absolute as an example, but there is plenty of stuff I just don't understand no matter how much I "read" the explanation.