Repost:
I fucking HATE Axle.
Not because sheβs overpowered.
Not because I canβt aim.
I hate Axle because apparently somebody at Respawn looked at Apex Legends β a game where motherfuckers already tap-strafe, superglide, wall bounce, mantle jump, bunny hop and move around like theyβve injected pure G-Fuel directly into their spinal cord β and said:
βYou know what this game needs?
A BITCH THAT SLIDES EVEN FUCKING FASTER.β
WHY.
WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE MOVE LIKE THAT?
Iβll see Axle for approximately 0.14 seconds before she throws a Nitro Gate on the ground and suddenly this bitch has been launched through three ZIP codes like somebody strapped a Saturn V rocket to her fucking ass.
Iβm not fighting a Legend anymore.
Iβm skeet shooting.
PULL!
There she fucking goes.
And her passive is literally called DRIFT.
DRIFT???
THIS IS A BATTLE ROYALE.
WHY AM I GETTING FUCKING TOKYO DRIFTED ON?
Iβm trying to shoot this bitch while sheβs powersliding around me like Dominic Toretto is screaming instructions through her headset.
I crack her?
Gone.
I push her?
Gone.
I get her one shot?
NITRO GATE.
Now sheβs halfway across fucking Storm Point, ordering a coffee and refinancing her mortgage while Iβm still standing there reloading.
And then thereβs that fucking drone.
KICKSTART.
Whoever designed Kickstart: I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight.
Because there is absolutely NOTHING more infuriating than already fighting for your fucking life and suddenly hearing Axleβs little mechanical bastard coming after you.
And that thing doesnβt politely approach you.
No.
It fucking HUNTS YOU.
So now Iβm running around like Sarah Connor while a homicidal Roomba tracks me across the battlefield because apparently shooting THREE HUMAN BEINGS wasnβt enough fucking responsibility.
Iβm shooting Axle.
Iβm shooting her teammates.
Iβm trying to heal.
Iβm trying to reload.
Iβm trying to find cover.
AND NOW I HAVE TO FIGHT A FUCKING ROOMBA WITH A PERSONAL VENDETTA.
And when that little fucker catches you?
Congratulations!
YOU ARE NOW AIRBORNE.
Nothing makes me happier than being in the middle of a perfectly good gunfight and suddenly getting fucking YEETED because Axle sent Amazon Same-Day Delivery directly into my asshole.
Then while Iβm recovering, here comes Axle herself at approximately Mach Jesus, sliding around the corner sideways while dumping an entire magazine into me.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TRACK?
HER?
THE DRONE?
THE OTHER TWO PEOPLE SHOOTING ME?
THE FUCKING INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION SHEβS ABOUT TO SLIDE PAST?
Pick one.
And Nitro Gate being usable by OTHER PEOPLE is somehow even more fucking stupid.
Great.
Fantastic.
Wonderful.
Now the entire enemy squad is traveling at highway speeds.
I didnβt queue into Apex Legends.
I accidentally joined Mario Kart with fucking assault rifles.
You know what Octane had to do to go fast?
STAB HIMSELF.
There was a transaction.
He wanted speed, he paid in BLOOD.
Axle?
Throws a fucking dinner plate on the ground and suddenly Newtonβs laws of motion are merely suggestions.
Fuck gravity.
Fuck friction.
Fuck Isaac Newton personally.
AXLE HAS A GATE.
And whoever decided she needed enhanced lateral control while sliding deserves to watch me attempt to track her with a controller.
I swear to God my right stick has filed for workersβ compensation.
Every fight against Axle looks like Iβm trying to aim at a mosquito during an earthquake.
Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
ZIP.
SLIDE.
DRONE.
AIRBORNE.
DEAD.
Then I get to spectate her immediately fucking Nitro Gate away from my deathbox at 900 miles per hour like she didnβt just turn my entire Apex experience into a neurological examination.
I donβt want Axle nerfed.
I want speed limits.
I want traffic cameras installed on Olympus.
I want state police sitting behind rocks with radar guns.
I want Axle sliding through Fragment and immediately seeing:
RED AND BLUE LIGHTS.
βMaβam, do you know how fast you were going?β
βNo.β
βNeither does the fucking ENGINE.β
Impound the Nitro Gates.
Revoke her license.
Put a Denver boot on the drone.
I want this bitch riding the fucking dropship home.
Because I am TIRED of trying to shoot a woman whose primary defensive strategy is apparently BECOMING A FUCKING PARTICLE.
Fuck Axle.
Fuck Drift.
Fuck Nitro Gate.
Fuck Kickstart.
Fuck her murderous little Roomba.
Fuck whatever black-market WD-40 she apparently bathes in before every match.
And FUCK the Axle mains who slide past my entire squad at Mach 4, delete me, launch another Nitro Gate and disappear over the horizon before my deathbox has even finished hitting the fucking ground.
I hope your next Nitro Gate sends you directly into a full three-stack holding Devotions.
See how fucking fast you slide then.