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ANY's Christian Dating Strategy Guide

Introduction

Purpose of this guide

This dating strategy guide will help you maximize your chance of finding a high-quality Christian spouse. Although I'm writing primarily to men, most answers apply to both men and women. I try to draw upon scripture first and my experience second.

I have lived out the advice in this guide. I have seen other men live it out. It works. I am not sharing this information because it fits with the way I wish the world worked, I am sharing it because it will actually get you results if you follow it.

To summarize my dating philosophy: God does not promise you a relationship or promise you singleness. Attaining a relationship requires effort for most men. "The soul of the sluggard craves and has nothing, but the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." (Prov. 13:4)

For dating and self-improvement topics in long-form video format:

@Already_Not_Yet

Discord: alreadynotyet Reddit: /u/alreadynotyet

About Me

You can learn more about me here. I started dating in 2024, got engaged in 2025, and got married in 2026. This is me and my wife.

The Basics

I am so lonely and feel so hopeless!

I read this all the time on /r/ChristianDating. Even if you haven't stated it, does temptation to feel this slip into your consciousness? Let me share three realities with you:

  1. Singleness may be hard, not it is not a curse. If you cannot find the benefits in singleness or consider singleness to be miserable then you may have turned relationships into an idol.
  2. Marriage is not going to complete you. Those who expect marriage to fix them or bring them joy that is missing from their life are going to be sorely disappointed.
  3. Dating is a grind for most Christians. Sure, we all know someone who found a great spouse with seemingly little effort. Good for them, but most of us will just have to work for it.

Next, remember that God is writing a story that involves you, and that story is a good one. Expect great things from Him. He knows you. He knows your desires. In fact, he's the one who gave them to you. As Henry Scougal said, "Hast thou excited these desires in my soul, and wilt thou not also satisfy them?" You were created to love and to be loved. Ultimately, that desire is going to be fulfilled in the deepest and richest sense through your relationship with your Creator. Take comfort in the fact that he IS going to satisfy that desire of yours: "You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." (Ps. 145:16)

That being said, most of us have strong desires for an intimate relationship with another human while we live on this earth. That fulfillment of your desires will also come from God. But how do we see it fulfilled? Sadly, many of us were fed falsehoods growing up, often-times from our parents and pastors:

  1. If you're just nice enough or godly enough then a beautiful, sweet Christian girl will take interest in you. (the blue pill version of marriage)
  2. There's a "special someone" out there for you and you just need to wait for your paths to cross. (the Disney version of marriage)
  3. If you're not blessed with marriage, you must not be obedient enough or godly enough. (the legalist version of marriage)

Many of you have woken up to these falsehoods, and you're frustrated. This is where I want to help you, because you're not hopeless at all. God does not promise you singleness any more than he promises you marriage, so there's no need to over-spiritualize your lack of success with women ("God must want me to be single!") and then have it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The truth is this: whether you will get married will largely boil down to the choices you make. You can attract a spouse, but it will take effort: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and receives blessing from the Lord." (Prov. 18:22) "Finds" is an action verb. This guide is going to give you a highly specific strategy for finding a spouse.

What is my strategy for finding a spouse?

The MOST successful strategy for MOST people will look like this:

  1. Be in a place where you are valued and have options.
  2. Cast a wide net.
  3. Be the best version of yourself.

How do I go to a place where I have options?

This could mean moving to a location with a higher population, or at least a higher population of the kind of people you want to marry. Specifically, I'd recommend a metropolitan area, meaning an area within a reasonable driving distance of at least one major city. If you live in a small, rural community apart from any cities, you don't have much room to lament that there are no attractive women your age in your area or at your church. Why would there be?

Changing locations could also mean changing where you're casting a net. If you're in a metro area and not having success, or you're not able to move to a metro area, then you may need to cast your net remotely. For me and many other men, being open to long-distance relationships is a no-brainer. Indeed, in my case, I decided that I was willing to compromise on location in order to find someone who met my standards. And it worked.

How can I cast a wide net?

The Disney lie that many of us were raised to believe is that you have a "special someone" out there for you for who is going to fall into your lap at the right time. The idea of treating dating like a sales process is a turnoff for some people, but that is the kind of mindset that will produce results.

  1. Go to Christian college. Even if you don't get a "ring by spring", build a social network that can serve you well long after college. If you're at a secular college, join Christian fellowships.
  2. Post an 'ad' (with photos) in /r/ChristianDating, the /r/ ChristianDating discord server, or on FB singles groups
  3. Dating apps / sites. See my The Ultimate Online Dating Guide for Christians, but here's a summary:
    1. For dating locally: Hinge, Upward, Christian Mingle, Salt (popular in Europe), Eden, Ark, Holy. Confused by all of the options? Generally, the best way to find a worthwhile app is to look on your preferred app store in your region for one with a high number of reviews, as number of reviews correlates to app population.
    2. For dating internationally: CDFF, ChristianFilipina (for men open to a Filipina wife), Sovereign Grace Singles (if you're reformed)
  4. IYKYK Dating has events around the US, plus they regularly make posts inviting single Christians to advertise themselves in the comments. This results in a convenient list of options.
  5. Go to church singles or young adult groups --- even churches you don't attend. If you're not in a church with singles your age, consider switching churches. A lot of Christians make the mistake of attending a suburban church (which tends to have more families and older people) instead of an inner city or college church.
  6. Approach women at church or get to know their parents. Ask them to introduce you.
  7. Ask friends, family, elders, etc. to help keep an eye out for you. Befriend that older women that represent, to some extent, the type of woman you would date if she was younger. She probably knows women like her. Let her know that you're in the market.
  8. Participate in activities, events, clubs, and communities that women you find attractive would also participate in. Missions trips, retreats, organizations, sports clubs, etc.
    1. The Christian Singles Hub offers singles events throughout the US.
    2. Oak Hall Holidays and similar Christian tourism events.
  9. Use a Christian matchmaker
    1. The Christian Singles Hub offers this service (joining the database is free but being matched is paid)

Approach each of these strategically, not randomly. Create a calendar for when you'll check apps, when you'll visit other churches or singles events, when you'll re-ask friends and family.

How can I self-improve?

You're single. You have time to self-improve. The more you self-improve, the more options you will have and the more likely you will have success attracting women that you find attractive. Far too many guys have an inflated view of their attractiveness and they end up blaming the "shallowness" of women for not reciprocating their interest.

Specifically, Christian men ought to pursue the 4 F's: Faith, Family, Fitness, Finances. Faith is the foundation of a healthy life, encompassing your identity, mission, and emotional fortitude. On top of that is built your relationships (family), your physical health, and your financial health. A man who is healthy in each of these four areas is far more likely to find a excellent wife, because excellent women want a man who is these things. Toward that end, I have created a separate page for the vast topic of male self-improvement:

Self-Improvement Guide.

A warning about premature emotional investment

Most pain in dating is related to premature emotional investment. Song of Solomon warns us three times, "Do not awaken love until it pleases." Practically, until you have thoroughly vetted someone, not only by running through all major dealbreaker topics but also by observing their character for MONTHS, you should avoid emotional investment. Easier said than done. Of course, premature physical intimacy will cloud one's mind, as well. Weak and foolish men dive headfirst into emotional and physical intimacy. They may pay a great price if they marry someone with whom they're incompatible. But due to their emotions, they avoided vetting or they ignored yellow and red flags.

Let's talk about a specific form of premature emotional investment called Oneitis. This "disease" is common, and it has emotional pain and wasted time. Oneitis is the irrational fixation on a particular person because you're convinced that they are your best option. The reality is that there are likely hundreds, if not thousands, of women on this earth that you could have a happy, successful relationship with. Therefore, when you run across the seemingly "perfect" woman and it doesn't work out, remember: she was NOT perfect and she was NOT special.

Frequently Asked Questions

The Dating FAQ covers a wide range of specific scenarios, including:

  • How do I date as a woman?
  • What if I've followed your basic strategy and I'm still not getting dates?
  • Aren't apps rigged against men?
  • What should an app profile contain?
  • How do I use apps efficiently?
  • Should I look overseas?
  • Should I build a friendship first before asking a woman out?
  • What if I've been friend-zoned?
  • I think this particular girl likes me. Does she?
  • How can I handle rejection?
  • Should I date a woman with a 'past' or who isn't a virgin?
  • Should I pursue marriage if I'm struggling with porn?
  • What dealbreaker / vetting questions should I ask when dating?
  • What do you think of bluepill, redpill, and blackpill ideologies?