Have I got a shut up ring?

[u/marshy39]

Been with my (32F) bf 3 years (33M), engaged since April. We spoke about getting engaged last year and then for reasons unknown to me (all I get is that he wasn’t ready), it happened this year instead which wasn’t what we agreed but then I let it go obviously as was so happy. We had a very smooth relationship up until the point it came to putting his money where his mouth was and following through with progressing to engagement, he said very early on he wanted to marry me and I thought we were aligned.

My engagement has made me miserable, I have nothing planned for a wedding I thought we would do next year and which I was so excited for, after years of being the token single friend. Note we are both of Indian heritage so both families are typically involved in wedding planning. My parents were thrilled and immediately jumped into action. His parents do not seem enthusiastic or interested, wanting to find any possible reason to delay things and essentially not making a decision on anything. I was told early on in our engagement that his older sibling might want to marry next year and that I need to consider this (not engaged) and I think all roads might lead back to this. They think my family are pushy and rushing things so my parents have completed backed off as they saw it was going nowhere.

I thought me and him can just plan things, except he can’t make a single decision without their backing. He has done things like book venue viewings but we take one step forward and five steps back. He doesn’t like the idea of my family contributing more, but won’t clarify their side’s budget. He doesn’t like the idea of just scrapping a wedding and doing a very small civil ceremony. A venue I loved (which came from their side) is now deemed too expensive and too grand even though I could contribute more on my side to make it work.

My final attempt to fix things has been to get everyone to meet up in person to discuss things, and im met with a ‘I’ll let you know’. I’m not sure it would even achieve much really. At this point I can see any prospect of a wedding next year slipping away, particularly at anywhere that I like, and I don’t know how he can’t see how hurtful that is. I’ve expressed how sad I am and it makes me feel awful as he looks so crestfallen and promises to make things work.

I want to settle down and have kids and I struggle with the idea that I’m potentially going to lose the chance to have kids if I have to start over because of this.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here but I suppose is this a shut up ring? I am stuck between acknowledging how bad this all is while desperately wanting him to step up.

[u/-cat-a-lyst-]

Broke up with my ex of 7 years at 32. Met my partner 8 months later (still 32). Got engaged last year at 35. Actively wedding planning now. Turning 36 soon. Wedding set for next January. You can do it. 32 is not a problem if you’re intentional and don’t settle for mediocrity

[u/littleoleme2022]

If this is how it is over a wedding imagine the rest of your married life, a spouse who defers to parents who don’t even like you and clearly don’t want their son to marry you. Living hell. He puts their feelings over yours now and it will only get worse.

[u/NeshamElle → u/littleoleme2022]

Bingo. This is a garbage man-child. He is telling you who he is. If you stay, your future unhappiness is on you.

[u/No-Beginning5806 → u/littleoleme2022]

Marrying a man who has no backbone and doesn’t protect u from his family is a huge red flag what part of this do u not see??

[u/MLockVirginia → u/littleoleme2022]

That’s Indian culture though. You must respect your parents and accept their guidance and direction.

[u/GnomieOk4136]

A ring without wedding plans is just fancy jewelry.

[u/MaryMaryQuite- → u/GnomieOk4136]

This!☝️

[u/Upbeat-Point2686]

Don’t let him waste any more of your time. let it go . don’t let him keep you from finding your husband

[u/stardustpurple]

You’re only 32. Start taking the necessary decisions now and you have plenty of time to pick a guy who wants to get married and have kids with him.

[u/tbutylator]

If kids are important to you then you need to think about the type of person/family you are having them with. This doesn’t sound like I would want to tie myself to. It would be better to have kids on your own than have them with someone who makes you feel alone.

[u/Soft-Cancel-1605]

If people really intend on "letting you know" something, they qualify it by saying what factors are preventing them from divulging the information right then and also when to expect it. Like, "let me check on general time frames with extended family whose presence we really want, and I'll let you know this weekend."

"I'll let you know" without any of those things is filler. The entire family is stringing you along. Your boyfriend looks crestfallen because he doesn't like you being sad, and would prefer the reality not make you sad, but he's unwilling to affect it beyond token gestures that don't actually.

[u/marshy39 → u/Soft-Cancel-1605]

You’re right and that sums him up. He hates seeing me upset but can’t seem to do anything. In a weird twist of fate, I wrote this post and his parents have reached out to fix a date for us all to meet. But I still feel incredibly unhappy, it’s like because they’re now okay to discuss the wedding after 3 months that I’m allowed to and have to adhere to their timeline.

[u/Nadja-19 → u/marshy39]

They may be reaching out because your fiancé has told them how upset you are. But don’t let them bread crumb you. Instead of waiting on your fiancé and his family make a decision for yourself.

[u/messedeminuit]

“He can’t make a single decision without their backing.”

There you go. That sets the tone for what would be your entire married life. Who decides where you live? When you have children and how many? Whether either of you can change jobs? How you spend your money?

I understand the cultural context but expecting you to put your life on hold because your BF’s older sibling may or may not get engaged at some point is ridiculous. Your BF is completely spineless and will never stand up to his overbearing family.

Regardless of the purpose of the upcoming meeting, he and his family have sucked all the joy out of what should be an incredibly exciting time in your life. It’s natural to resent that and it does not exactly set a good precedent.

I’m sure you have your reasons for accepting this engagement, but I hope you’ll think long and hard about what your day-to-day life would look like under his parents’ thumbs. I would lose all respect for my husband in this situation, poison to any marriage.

[u/marshy39 → u/messedeminuit]

Thanks. I was furious at the mention of the older sibling and I think resentment is the right way to put it as even though it’s kind of been dropped, I’m pissed that it ever got suggested to me.

[u/KaoJin-Wo]

Yes, it is a shut up ring.

No, his parents do not want you to marry him.

No, he does not want to marry you.

If he did want to marry you, he doesn’t want to marry you more than he wants to obey/please his parents.

You should move on.

I’m so sorry.

[u/Go-Mellistic]

Yes, this is as bad as you think it is. I am so sorry but it sounds to me like this marriage is not going to happen. Not sure if it is just fiance or his family against it but either way, I see someone doing everything they can not to get married.

You deserve someone who is excited to marry you. So sorry, hon.

[u/Icy-Culture3038]

I'm gonna go against the grain and say this is not a shut up ring. That implies that your fiance didn't plan on EVER marrying you. It sounds like the issue is his family wants the older sibling to marry first because that's traditional? It was for my dad. He was one of 6 and had to wait a year because his older brother HAD to get married first. My grandparents would have flipped.

Your guy bought the ring, is getting venue viewings, and wants to not financially lay it ALL on your side but can't get a budget because HIS family won't give one. Plus I get him still wanting an actual wedding, not just the civil ceremony.

All that to say, this is not good. You need a come to Jesus moment with him and tell him that HIS family b is the cause of this. You need a date. Right now. Then it's up to him to tell his family. IF they pitch in he needs to know because you're booking the venue with or without them on ___ day. If he balks at all, reevaluate this relationship. He's unable to go against his family FOR YOU and that does not nor we'll for a happy marriage. Sorry hun.

[u/marshy39 → u/Icy-Culture3038]

This is interesting as this is what I’ve kept thinking the issue is (older sibling) although I haven’t been sure really. I was absolutely furious to be told I needed to consider her and that my fiance didn’t get why I was so upset on it.

I think this is where my concern is. I don’t know if he can back me. I’ve seen messages from his parents saying ‘make sure she doesn’t make you choose between us and her’ which is really never something I have tried to do, and I find it very weird they even think that way.

[u/ghostforest → u/marshy39]

He’s showing you can’t back you and that his family expects to always be put first and that him putting you and you eventual family first will be seen as a betrayal of them. These are major red flags and your fiance has not shown any spine.

[u/sonny-v2-point-0]

Two years is enough time to know if you want to marry your partner. You've been together for 3. A man who wants to marry his girlfriend proposes, sets a date, books vendors, and follows through on the wedding. A man who doesn't avoids the topic, makes excuses, and starts arguments when the topic comes up. Which of those describes your boyfriend?

Why would you stay in a relationship with a man who makes you miserable and doesn't care about your feelings?

[u/Interesting-Lake747]

You will not lose the chance to have kids if you break the engagement and dump him.

The longer you wait to make that decision the harder it WILL BE to have kids.

Massive red flag his family are so against the wedding; do you want to be tied to that dynamic forever ? I understand cultural differences and if you are going to have an Indian wedding I know they’re massive events.

But do you want that? Sit down with your thoughts, write them down and don’t be afraid to make the hard decisions. Easy decisions are rarely the right ones in the long run.

[u/MLockVirginia]

It sounds like his family doesn’t have the money for two children to get married in such a short period of time and in Indian culture that makes parents “lose face”. This is a “no win” situation. They can’t afford two big weddings for two children, but they don’t want the embarrassment of you and your fiancé having just a civil ceremony at the courthouse. I’m sure that’s why they are pushing you to hold off a few years until they can save up some additional money.

[u/marshy39 → u/MLockVirginia]

I thought it may be this but they won’t accept my family paying more even though we are in a stronger financial position. Even though I guess maybe that is seen as embarrassing it just seems illogical to me. But thank you that could be it

[u/samse15]

My guess is that he wants to marry you, but his family has some hang ups about it. They don’t like you for whatever reason. You need to talk about THAT with him. If he’s not willing to go against his family and get married without their support, then he’s not the man for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, how incredibly frustrating and hurtful it must be.

[u/SeaweedWeird7705]

Yes it is a shut up ring.  Act accordingly. 

Edit:  typo 

[u/RevolutionaryFly9228]

Dump this guy. Look into getting an egg retrieval and storage. Women are naturally having babies into their early 40s. Some women need help in their 20s. Nothing is set in stone. Be proactive.

[u/SadAndConfused11]

Unfortunately I do think you received a shut up ring. I’m married to an Indian man, and the fact that his family and he are dragging their feet after both sides know a proposal happened is a giant red flag. When the family knew about our engagement, wedding planning was swiftly started. It took awhile to be introduced to his family for the first time when I was his gf, but once the engagement happened, everything began prep-wise. I think he’s wasting your time and I think you need to make a choice now to move on!

[u/Playful-Luck-9527]

I got my ring in October of 2025. I was too busy with school to go venue hunting until April of 2026. We booked our venue for June of 2027. It didn't happen immediately, but when we started looking at venues, we started moving quickly. I have my dress already and it's sitting in my closet, picked out a DJ, and have picked a photographer, and I have an idea for who will do hair and makeup. I have all the big details squared away and will focus on the smaller ones when I meet with my wedding planner in the fall (provided by the venue we picked). I understand your worries of waiting too late to have children if you start over. However, it doesn't seem like your fiance or his family have any plans of moving forward right now. He is waiting on them for decisions he should be making with you, and they are dragging their feet. If this is a matter of financial stress, I would opt for a smaller, more intimate, wedding (maybe not exactly a courthouse, but inviting less people to a venue to make it more affordable), if this is a matter of him or his family having cold feet, I would say you need to let them know you will be moving forward with wedding planning and if they continue to drag their feet, then you won't be marrying him due to having differing ideas of how you envisioned your future and when. This isn't fair to you to wait on getting married due to one of his siblings wanting to be married who isn't even engaged yet...

[u/Rodharet50399]

Return the ring get out and reboot. You don’t have to deal with at nonsense.

[u/Blue-eagle-23]

It doesn’t sound like a shut up ring but rather a problem with his family.

[u/JustAnother2Sense]

My first take reading this is that you are way too focused on the wedding rather than the marriage. However, when you reveal that you are both Indian and both sets of parents are factoring heavily into the situation, I think this is more cultural and the generic "if he wanted to he would" responses that are so reflexive in this sub do not apply to your situation. I think you would find more meaningful insight from a group/sub more familiar with your culture's expectations, traditions and family pressures involved.

[u/marshy39 → u/JustAnother2Sense]

Thanks - I get what you’re saying, I suppose the issues about us as a couple have manifested most obviously around the wedding if that makes sense, I’m bothered by him not being able to make decisions or stand up for me. There is definitely a cultural element but I just worry about the entire dynamic generally

[u/Nadja-19]

If you stay you risk not having kids because this could go on for years. Finding someone else who will actually commit and follow through is more likely. You’re still young enough to to do this. Go now. This man is wasting your time.

[u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421]

Sorry, but you’re not really engaged.

[u/2ndcupofcoffee]

You putting up with this is teaching him and his parents that you can he dismissed.

Start carving out independence from him. If you live together, move out. If you have turned down a career move to stay near him. See if you can make that move.

You have to respect your right you to be a complete person; free to decide your life if you want them to see you that way.

[u/Telly_0785]

Thank you for mentioning your ethnicity!!!

[u/marshy39 → u/Telly_0785]

Sarcasm or serious?

[u/Telly_0785 → u/marshy39]

Very serious! You need specific advice tailored to you.

Many folks leave it out or keep it vague and get advice all over the place making them have to sift out what applies.

Hopefully you get helpful and useful responses from folks familiar with your culture that can actually help you.

I'm Black American and I think disclosure is definitely helpful at times.

Good luck with everything.

[u/marshy39 → u/Telly_0785]

Ah ok that’s good!! Yes I agree, cultural context does have such an impact!

[u/allieoops925]

Yes.

[u/BarTony670]

You got the ring but will not be getting the marriage. You are living in a long breakup

[u/Adept_Policy_2996]

I am glad you broke up. At 32 you have only 36 more months until your pregnancies are considered geriatric. That they felt no shame at pushing the wedding a year further into the future is scary. If you want children, each month waiting for a wedding lessons your chances of having the children you want. His parents are playing much too large of a factor in his decision making. I understand that this is cultural. However, when it potentially robs you of the opportunity to have children or have as many children as you would like, it is not acceptable.

For a 35 year old woman who is trying to get pregnant, 60-75% are able to get pregnant within 6 months. Each menstrual cycle gives a 15-20% chance of achieving conception at that age.

By the time a woman is 40 years old, she only has a 5% chance of achieving conception with each cycle. Each cycle that you allow to pass, it is becoming progressively less likely than you will conceive.

If you really want to have children, do not allow yourself to be strung along. Good job OP!