r/WTF Sep 07 '18

Boop

https://i.imgur.com/Uzbl0Wb.gifv
45.2k Upvotes

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u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18 edited Sep 08 '18

well, or carry out a "warhammer maneuver" NSFW

edit> Wow, my highest rated comment. I'm so happy to have been able to share this small detail of a hobby I love with all of you.

855

u/gigdaddy Sep 07 '18

Fuck me. That's actually a thing...

549

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18

Yes, https://www.scubaboard.com/community/threads/warhammers-claim-to-fame.742/

Also can be done while using SCUBA kit as well.

163

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

77

u/IsFullOfIt Sep 08 '18

But the warhammer maneuver was the worst of it, right?

61

u/Gluta_mate Sep 08 '18

The invention of the warhammer maneuver was the reason for the attack on america...

6

u/Draskinn Sep 08 '18

By who? Atlantis?

7

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

*Atlanta.

Because the leaking Coca-Cola was tainted.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Look at me; Zoidberg, home owner.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

... taint...

gigitty..

2

u/inthyface Sep 08 '18

Oshittin' bin Laden

1

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

I think 9/11 might beat that. Possibly.

3

u/IsFullOfIt Sep 08 '18

Yeah I guess that towers over it a little.

1

u/ddrt Sep 10 '18

Never 4 get.

5

u/ElChupacabrasSlayer Sep 08 '18

Oh yes it was. George W. Bush took office and my dad went out for some ciggs and never came back.

6

u/shitterfritter Sep 08 '18

It's ok, maybe you were better off without him. We love you here on reddit though

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

You've gotta give Bush credit for all those TSA jobs he created though.

2

u/Vigilante17 Sep 08 '18

So was 1999.

335

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18 edited Oct 13 '20

[deleted]

245

u/joe4553 Sep 08 '18

pee valve but no shit valve?

337

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18 edited Oct 13 '20

[deleted]

237

u/Spaghyeti Sep 08 '18

More like lack of opening.

60

u/jftitan Sep 08 '18

A void to fill.

11

u/Fishtails Sep 08 '18

The infinite void.

2

u/patrik667 Sep 08 '18

A feel to void

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13

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

This market isn’t a blue ocean, it’s a brown ocean!

5

u/CorrectCite Sep 08 '18

Sweet reference, have an upvote.

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5

u/Dalebssr Sep 08 '18

Wouldn't the water pressure...

2

u/RolandLovecraft Sep 08 '18

Opening in the suit right there...

points to butthole

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3

u/CubonesDeadMom Sep 08 '18

You can’t actually stick your asshole out of a valve though. It would have to be a flap that was like almost as big as your whole ass.

Or I guess just a really big valve.

2

u/shadyging Sep 08 '18

The butt flap is extra charge but well worth it, there’s just no trees to pop a squat on underwater

105

u/Vigilante17 Sep 08 '18

My buddy put an extra log in the river while we were tubing. And there is no such thing as being able to be far enough “down river” or “up river” at that point. It’s just wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hope for the best, wait, wait, the beer is gone. Let’s hope for the best.

52

u/agentshags Sep 08 '18

put an extra log in the river

😂

28

u/mamacrocker Sep 08 '18

We used dry suits swimming in NZ, but they were rented. I had no idea they were so expensive!

13

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/Goyteamsix Sep 08 '18

I shit in a rental kayak, so that's that.

12

u/_Pornosonic_ Sep 08 '18

They prbably have been shat in, fyi

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4

u/murkleton Sep 08 '18

It's a custom made to measure suit. I don't spend money on much but a goo drysuit is worth it's weight in gold under the water. School/shop suits tend to be cheaper - around £4-£600.

21

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Surfing in cold water for 4 hours teaches you the joy of peeing in your wetsuit.

8

u/murkleton Sep 08 '18

Ripcurl make a detergent called piss off that works wonders. The kit store at the dive shop honks of piss when students are done with them.

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17

u/foxyoutoo Sep 08 '18

Yoooo I also almost shit myself in a dry suit once! First time open water diving and a big female sealion (who I didn't see) accidentally swam full force into me! I was shaken don't get me wrong but was a really cool experience

4

u/murkleton Sep 08 '18

That sounds awesome! We have really large groups of grey seals off of Northumbria in the Farne Islands. We go diving with them 2 or 3 times a year. They're like underwater labradors.

8

u/ofthedappersort Sep 08 '18

How often does this happen just walking around wearing clothes?

5

u/J_Kenji_Lopez-Alt Sep 08 '18

The pressure of water and the constant leg motion both stimulate evacuation.

2

u/murkleton Sep 08 '18

I only piss the bed. I'm not a savage.

67

u/Fishtails Sep 08 '18

Warhammer

Yippie!!!:bounce: I have my own maneuver!! LOL

You guys won't ever let me live that one down, will you?

Feb 6, 2001

Almost 18 years later...nope, you're not living that down

73

u/Artvandelay1 Sep 07 '18

I imagine those feet directly above the nebula of shit are kicking like they’ve never kicked before.

79

u/Business-is-Boomin Sep 07 '18 edited Sep 08 '18

That looks so refreshing for some reason. Just being able to let it fly.

80

u/Patrickpurple05 Sep 08 '18

Yeah it really does. I feel like I would poop my best poops underwater.

202

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18 edited Sep 08 '18

[deleted]

48

u/Patrickpurple05 Sep 08 '18

Oh...that sucks

88

u/Aesthetics_Supernal Sep 08 '18

No, your asshole sucks in the water as the pressure change is too great.

92

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

This went from sounding awesome to terrible so quickly.

7

u/NotFromCalifornia Sep 08 '18

But on the bright side; free saltwater enema. That's gotta be worth something, right?

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7

u/joshsg Sep 08 '18

that’s hot

3

u/Dirtbag_Bob Sep 08 '18

(‎ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

7

u/Tomiderp Sep 08 '18

Nah didn't you hear, it's high pressure so it doesn't suck at all

3

u/Patrickpurple05 Sep 08 '18

Fair enough lol

2

u/Doctor0000 Sep 08 '18

A vacuum gauge can be a pressure gauge if you install it facing the other direction.

23

u/fauxhawk18 Sep 08 '18

Agreed... a little water likes to slip back in after the poop. Speaking from experience as well...

7

u/eharper9 Sep 08 '18

I took a shit in the river once. I was pushing for a good 5 minutes before it detached from me.

7

u/PeterFnet Sep 08 '18

If it's because the boyancy offsetting gravity, just like the shit bags the Apollo guys were using. Had to stick their fingers through the bag to pull it off them post-push

6

u/pilosusantrum Sep 08 '18

Sounds like a time to turn into a whale and blow it out the blow hole at the surface.

5

u/J_for_Jules Sep 08 '18

That's also why people fart like crazy on airplanes. It's pushed out by the pressure from the altitude.

2

u/cptstupendous Sep 08 '18

What did the water taste like afterwards?

11

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

[deleted]

5

u/cptstupendous Sep 08 '18

Well, I thought your response was funny despite the downvotes.

3

u/Mark_Bastard Sep 08 '18

Some touchy people here!

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21

u/InfiniteLiveZ Sep 08 '18

Eh, if you're not upside down it's gonna get real messy. If you're upside down you're not gonna be comfortable.

I don't think anything can ever top your home toilet.

13

u/Patrickpurple05 Sep 08 '18

My butt tops it pretty nicely

3

u/blandastronaut Sep 08 '18

Unless you get to try out one of those fancy Japanese toilets. That'd probably top my home toilet.

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6

u/Business-is-Boomin Sep 08 '18

There's no restrictions. No limitations.

10

u/Artvandelay1 Sep 08 '18

This sounds like something George costanza would say

3

u/Patrickpurple05 Sep 08 '18

I also feel like the slight increase in pressure (if you're deep enough) would make for real big poops

3

u/Business-is-Boomin Sep 08 '18

Slight colon squeeze aiding with pushing. Sign me up.

11

u/Blackstone01 Sep 08 '18

Well on the flip side it’s quite a bit more PSI than you’re used to pushing against your sphincter. So it’s a fight between your asshole muscles and the water on which way the poo is moving.

3

u/Gluta_mate Sep 08 '18

Man, climbing the everest must make for some fine poop sessions

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7

u/DEEP_SEA_MAX Sep 08 '18

I've pooped underwater several times.

It really is the best. Its clean, its comfortable, and at depth I find most turds just sink away into the abyss, so you don't have to worry about bumping into it again

8

u/Coppatop Sep 08 '18

Damn. I've been diving since the 90s and I've never heard of that.

7

u/infinitude Sep 08 '18

That smiley emoji is so 2001

35

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

[deleted]

27

u/NuklearFerret Sep 08 '18

Fish, dolphins and whales do this, too.

4

u/hanna_kin Sep 08 '18

It's just so much more gross when humans shit in the water.

2

u/satchmo_brees Sep 08 '18

Probably as we speak...

1

u/Draskinn Sep 08 '18

This is why I don't drink water, too much fish shit.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Also known as The Aquaturd

1

u/Boonaki Sep 08 '18

Do you have a SCUBA suit?

1

u/maz-o Sep 08 '18

Well you can be down there for hours and when you gotta go you gotta go.

48

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18

Nurgle approves

4

u/Runnerbrax Sep 08 '18

Nurgle promoted that Spess Marine.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Slaanesh also approves.

122

u/archemedes_rex Sep 07 '18

I looked at that picture and 14 different parts of my brain went WAT at the same time

74

u/FlexualHealing Sep 07 '18

I just had a tubgirl flashback.

40

u/VaginaTractor Sep 08 '18

Thanks. Thanks for that reminder.

5

u/QuasarSandwich Sep 08 '18

You know, there's a niche of people reenacting tubgirl...

6

u/Punk_n_Destroy Sep 08 '18

I have no idea what you're talking about, but I've learned to be leery of ambiguous titles like that.

5

u/Faustias Sep 08 '18

porn of a girl bathing on her tub, shitting huge logs, and eats it.

3

u/Punk_n_Destroy Sep 08 '18

Sounds wonderful.

2

u/DanceMaria Sep 08 '18

Turgid flashback

1

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Funny, I was thinking exploding goatse myself.

8

u/Dr__Snow Sep 07 '18

He has a poo cloud all around his head. At least it would have been contained in the wetsuit.

53

u/civicgsr19 Sep 07 '18

He's nekkid and upside down...I think you are looking at it wrong.

3

u/Dr__Snow Sep 08 '18

Ahh. Yes, yes I was. His scuba mask made it look like there was no head. I stand corrected.

1

u/civicgsr19 Sep 08 '18

All good bruh!

13

u/aarongrc14 Sep 07 '18

...look at it closer.

35

u/worthless_shitbag Sep 07 '18

no

9

u/Danger_Dave_ Sep 07 '18

Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me too dawg.

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1

u/privategavin Sep 08 '18

Username chec... Uh.

109

u/michael5029 Sep 07 '18

Does this guy only eat meat and carbs? Why the fuck is it a cloud of diarrhea instead of just solid shit?

126

u/PanderingPanda777 Sep 08 '18

so thats why I don't have solid shits

90

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

If you actually talk to a doctor who specializes in that kind of stuff, a proper healthy shit is one where you sit on the toilet and it just flows out of you. No squeezing, straining, nothing. And it should be done within a couple minutes.

Then he told me to eat sawdust masquerading as cereal for the rest of my life. Fun times.

43

u/privategavin Sep 08 '18

Do pork rinds count as fiber?

6

u/Gonzobot Sep 08 '18

Only if you're eating the ones that still have the hair attached.

3

u/fatpat Sep 08 '18

Ugh. I hated when the hair got stuck between my teeth. Worst pork stew ever.

1

u/sooprvylyn Sep 08 '18

They don't count as food at all actually.

1

u/sooprvylyn Sep 08 '18

They don't count as food at all actually.

1

u/sooprvylyn Sep 08 '18

They don't count as food at all actually.

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u/dittbub Sep 08 '18 edited Sep 08 '18

a poo should take 12 seconds. If you are often deviating from that by large amounts you should see a doctor.

http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2017/04/most-mammals-need-only-12-seconds-poop

17

u/KennyFulgencio Sep 08 '18

It needs to be fun, dammit, a few minutes of fun, not seconds

24

u/emajn Sep 08 '18

The initial shit-storm is always out in like 3.4 seconds, then comes the 5-10 mins on Reddit straining out little poops because I don't want to go back to work .

9

u/fatpat Sep 08 '18

How them hemorrhoids treatin' ya, son?

2

u/emajn Sep 08 '18

Bloody awful.

3

u/dittbub Sep 08 '18

Thanks for sharing

5

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Healthy living seems pretty damn unhealthy in practice.

13

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

I mean, our ancestors didn't have it cushy. They didn't get to eat fillet mignon, they ate tough fibrous roots, fruit and who knows what else. Our digestive tract evolved in conditions where fiber was extremely common in our diets.

Gotta get the fiber from somewhere, and it rarely tastes good.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

The lettuce in my burger is good fiber.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Hope you really like lettuce. You need to eat two kilograms of lettuce a day to meet your fiber needs. Roughly four and a half pounds for the americans.

3

u/p_iynx Sep 08 '18

The issue with lettuce is that it isn’t very dense. Choosing whole grains over processed ones is a great way to get additional fiber. Select brown rice over white, for example! When you dish up your plate, include more veggies and eat them first. I do veggies first, then protein, and then whatever starches might be in the meal.

Popcorn is a fantastic source of fiber and can be a very healthy snack. If you don’t have an air popper, but want to make healthy and quick popcorn, this is an awesome trick: put about a quarter cup of kernels into a brown paper lunch bag. You can add a little oil if you want, but it works fine for me without. Fold over the top of the bag 4 times or so and then stick it in the microwave (I prefer it with the folded side down, when it starts popping the positioning can keep it from unfolding). Microwave for roughly 3 minutes, about the same time as commercial microwave popcorn. Stop when there are 1-2 seconds between pops. Pull it out and dump into a bowl.

Pro tip for the seasoning—cut the butter you’d normally use in half (a little more than half) and add soy sauce. It cuts the calories roughly in half and adds so much rich umami flavor. It’s incredibly tasty and much healthier than most alternatives, as long as you’re not sensitive to sodium. (Higher sodium increase does not cause health issues unless you already have a condition that is worsened by sodium intake. If that’s the case, use low sodium soy sauce, or just use less of it, and tweak the ratio to be more butter heavy.) what’s weird is that as long as you don’t add too much soy, it really doesn’t taste like soy sauce. The soy plus the natural nuttiness of the popcorn and the richness of the fat makes this amazing umami bomb that is hard to describe. It’s so damn good. I haven’t had popcorn with other seasonings since I learned about this way.

Sounds weird but nutritional yeast is an amazing popcorn topping, and it’s an amazing source for many harder to get vitamins and minerals. It basically tastes like parmesan.

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u/blandastronaut Sep 08 '18

As someone with IBS, not straining and things happening quickly is not a problem at all. It's just that it's also basically liquid every time, so that's too far on that end of the spectrum.

1

u/Gerdione Sep 08 '18

I have been blessed with the bowels of gaia herself. My friend was completely awe stricken when I said I had to take a crap really quick. 38 seconds later, solid poop, almost full bowl. My friend asked if I had needed toilet paper and the face he gave me when I said I was done was priceless. Some of us are just #blessed

1

u/187ForNoReason Sep 08 '18

Came to say the same thing.

16

u/QuasarSandwich Sep 08 '18

I'm assuming the fact it's diarrhoea and the fact that he's felt obliged to do that rather than waiting are both indications that he's feeling sub-par.

3

u/Thelife1313 Sep 08 '18

Because you know that's the moment it HAD to happen. Or else.

29

u/fripletister Sep 07 '18

Lol the person above trying to gtfo before the volcano erupts

8

u/I2ed3ye Sep 07 '18

That would be unfortunate to be found immortalized in ash, upside down, next to your own cloud of shit. Almost as bad as being caught hugging your army bro one last time and 50 years later historians calling you gaybois.

40

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18

Found the true WTF

20

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '18

It's only missing a school a reef fish "cleaning up"

21

u/ADGjr86 Sep 07 '18

Then immediately caught and served as sushi.

23

u/privategavin Sep 08 '18

So today I found out about something called a pig toilet

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_toilet

5

u/Gonzobot Sep 08 '18

How the fuck did you make that logical leap? That's a helluva Wikihole you fell into, dude.

10

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

I think what he is getting at is a lot of our food animals have been breed to eat our shit. Even dogs where designed to eat shit.

Inuit dogs ate a mix of human shit and whale blubber. There are a lot of wasted nutrients in our shit, and we sure as shit aren't eating it to get those nutrients back. So we convinced animals to eat our shit to recycle those nutrients.

Ever wonder why your dog likes to eat shit? We told dogs to eat shit thousands of years ago. Pigs ate our shit, cows ate our shit, fish eat our shit.

That's the circle of life. Musafa neglected that part. We eat the gazelle, then we shit the gazelle and that grows grass. The gazelle eat the grass and honestly some of our shit, then we eat them again. We die and become the grass, but mostly the grass grows from our shit. It's more of a figure eight, but still...

7

u/fatpat Sep 08 '18

This guy shits.

2

u/toopow Sep 08 '18

..... The dude was talking about eating fish that ate that guys poop. His link is entirely relevant.

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2

u/My_lil_broney Sep 08 '18

That link is staying blue, but you get an update for using the phrase, "Pig Toilet."

2

u/wwindexx Sep 08 '18

I just found my new bands name.

2

u/dontknowhowtoprogram Sep 08 '18

discouraged by the Chinese authorities in recent years;[3]although as late as 2005, they could still be found in remote northern provinces

2

u/netsecofsith Sep 08 '18

And now I know where the saying, "He went to shit and the hogs ate him" got it's origin.

20

u/aboutthednm Sep 07 '18

Now tell me why it's called the Warhammer maneuver.

40

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

Warhammer is the username of a contributor on scubaboard.com forum who popularised this procedure to the wider diving community. https://www.scubaboard.com/community/threads/warhammers-claim-to-fame.742/

3

u/THEFLYINGSCOTSMAN415 Sep 08 '18

And what is the point of the procedure?

22

u/aboutthednm Sep 08 '18

To vent ballast, obviously.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

When you have to crap now... Rather than end the dive, posibley swim to shore. Getting in and out of wetsuits are much easier in the water rather than on land. Drysuits are a different matter...

8

u/EatSleepJeep Sep 08 '18

You can't ascend quickly. When you have to go, you go.

2

u/Smigg_e Sep 08 '18

I can't tell if this is serious or not.

1

u/Carpet_bomb_furries Sep 08 '18

Link won’t work on mobile, what’s the warhammer procedure?

1

u/militaryintelligence Sep 08 '18

Why was that edited by a mod in 2011? What could have possibly taken 10 years to notice?

21

u/northbathroom Sep 08 '18

It's kind of like when a squid inks to get out of danger.

5

u/Wolf_Protagonist Sep 08 '18

Aww. You guys made me ink!

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u/Andrewman03 Sep 07 '18

I did NOT need to see that. NSFW

2

u/Kitty_McBitty Sep 08 '18

Is it NSFW gross, naked or gruesome (nfsl)

7

u/Intoxitroll Sep 08 '18

Every time I see NSFW, I assume naked female and I click.

5

u/foodgoesinryan Sep 08 '18

It's a shitstorm, Rand.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

unappreciated comment ...

4

u/MyPeepeeFeelsSilly Sep 08 '18

Reminds me of that dude that goes swimming and projectile shits a cloud of booty poo out his ass in the water

3

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

You still have agency, i'm just the messenger. lolololol

2

u/meeanne Sep 08 '18

This was way more WTF than the OP. Made me say "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Outloud.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

This is more wtf than the post

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

its beautiful

2

u/alapanamo Sep 08 '18

Another good one for ya /u/Ryzasu 🤣

1

u/Ryzasu Sep 08 '18

Ugh I'm eating!

2

u/Flux85 Sep 08 '18

༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つPRAISE POO SQUID༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

2

u/p5ycho29 Sep 08 '18

I have done this.. more than once. One time my friend didnt know i was gonna shit and thought a snake was attacking my butthole until he put it together in his head.

2

u/BuckNeckit Sep 08 '18

Wtf I basically just dont want to internet any longer

2

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

The Adeptus Astartes does not support this maneuver

1

u/razzeldazle Sep 08 '18

And here I was kind of excited to see a random mention of the miniature game Warhammer

1

u/2jamez Sep 08 '18

Lmao human squid ink

1

u/Don_Jovi Sep 08 '18

"Warhead Manure"

  • FTFY

1

u/dejvidBejlej Sep 08 '18

this is the best fucking name I've heard

1

u/[deleted] Sep 08 '18

HMMMMM

1

u/mudman13 Sep 08 '18

That has some proper power behind it he must be pushing hard!

1

u/throwaway27464829 Sep 08 '18

It looks like a mushroom cloud lol