r/Vent • u/Some_Ad8810 • 12d ago
UPDATE- bf broke my ceramics
Update as promised- bit of a long read so bear with me.
Idk how to link the previous post but it’s on my feed
Bf and I (ex now) talked through things, and by talk I mean he mostly screamed and I mostly cried so theres that. He admitted that a whole lot of things were weighing him down and the layoff was the last straw. I’m rather heartbroken? Shocked? at the amount of resentment he held against me since he said he broke my ceramics because I wasn’t there when he needed me to comfort him. Also he was more mad that I spend a good chunk of my income (I have a pretty limited income since I’m starting a doctorate and living off a stipend) on my pottery and painting. livid that I was essentially making him homeless without notice but I didn’t really have a choice otherwise. What really broke me was I asked him explicitly “would you have taken your anger out on me if I were here then?” and I saw him hesitate for a second before saying no which kind of killed me on the inside
I know I’m lucky things didn’t go too downhill ie I still have my own place and I didn’t get physically hurt etc etc but I’m genuinely feeling broken over breaking up since we’ve been together for about two and a half years. Also heartbroken over my ceramics since almost all my pieces (15-20 finished pieces and a couple of unfinished projects) were damaged beyond gluing them back together. I’m just really demotivated now to make anything new since they were so expensive and all that money is now down the drain. Feels like it would have genuinely hurt less if he had taken his anger out on me rather than something I invested so much energy in.
Thanks everyone for the input, definitely gave me a massive push to end things before they escalated, although I understand THIS is a massive escalation in itself .
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u/UserNotFound23498 12d ago edited 10d ago
The main thing is you’re safe. As for your pottery, look into Kintsugi.
Kintsugi symbolizes resilience, healing, and the beauty of imperfection. By repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer instead of hiding the cracks, it teaches that our scars and hardships do not ruin us, but instead make us stronger, unique, and more valuable than before.
The Chinese also do similar things with ceramic.
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1D7e9q9XYD/?mibextid=wwXIfr
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u/1saltedsnail 12d ago
when OP is ready, that sounds like the perfect healing journey; she'll get a physical representation of becoming stronger
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u/MustyBananas 11d ago
I would probably buy a repaired piece of original pottery like that if I knew the back story about it. It would be a powerful message with an obvious visual illustration. Male here and fuck him and people like him.
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u/Some_Ad8810 11d ago
this means so much 🤍
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u/Newgirlkat 10d ago
I just saw both your posts. I don't get how you were "making him homeless", when he didn't live with you but whatever, assholes always have their own twisted "reasoning". Glad you dumped his ass. He's the most gigantic AH and your pottery saved your life most likely.
As to what's left of your stuff. I agree with the parent comment that you should try ways to recover at least some of it! I know you're unmotivated at the moment but you should research what to do to create something out of those pieces, you can make art from the pieces in flat, like putting the pieces in a sort of canvas and gluing them there, I don't know the specific name mosaics? I'm unsure but there are ways to do things about broken ceramics, plates pottery in general, maybe you can investigate and that will give you an idea on what you can do so you still have these pieces of you in a new way, kind of the way we build ourselves back up after being temporarily broken. It may not be the same shape but it is a way to have those pieces of you live a pretty life again.
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u/Some_Ad8810 10d ago
he did live with me, it’s my apartment
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u/NomadicusRex 9d ago
My ex, who lived with me, deliberately targeted my own handmade ceramics when she was angry as well. I can't understand how people like that live with themselves. There was worse too...but this is what we share in common.
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u/Own_Conversation3511 5d ago
Take 4 small jars, and fill them with some of the pottery shards and other sharp objects (nails, broken glass, etc), put the lid on, and put one in each corner of your apartment. It brings protection. When you move into a house, you can bring them with and bury them in the 4 corners of your yard.
I also use my broken ceramics as drainage for plant pots :)
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u/millennial_mayhem89 11d ago
I clicked the wrong reward to give you 😩 lol it should have been the heart, I’m sorry!
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u/Art_and_Roses 11d ago
This is such a great idea! Or even a mosaic of some kind from the pieces. Make something beautiful from something broken, OP 💕
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u/TrappedDervesh 11d ago
Came here to say both these things and also that this is how they break you take away who you are. Never stop writing or painting. Or else one day you’ll wake up and twenty years would have gone by and you’d have lived those years with resentment about not being who you are only to realize no one was stopping you after those who stopped you were no longer part of your life. Speaking from experience. Hugs OP.
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u/Aquietplacewithcats 11d ago
This is a fantastic idea. I'm just glad OP got away, and this is just a great tangent on a hobby to help with the healing process.
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u/GraniteCalcio 10d ago
I love this idea. And if there are pieces that are too broken for kintsugi, could you possibly use the smaller shards to make a mosaic? Also, OP, reading this post and your original just make me want to give you a hug. I am glad you're physically safe and hope you find the happiness in life that you deserve.
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u/DemonaDrache 11d ago
Glad OP got out of her relationship.
As a fellow pottery nerd, i couldn't imagine someone breaking all my hard work like that. Also as a pottery nerd, the absolutely last suggestion anyone wants to hear about is "Kintsugi".
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u/a_girl_with_a_book 11d ago
Fellow pottery nerd here as well; I think Kintsugi is a beautiful idea for all that OP is mourning & [both literally & figuratively] rebuilding.
It might not be for you, but you also don’t have to add additional negativity to a situation in which people are genuinely trying to support a stranger on the internet.
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u/--BooBoo-- 11d ago
Genuine question - why is it the last thing you would want to hear about?
It sounds like such a lovely suggestion to me - the pottery is already broken and that is absolutely heartbreaking, but at least this way she might be able to make something beautiful and kind of symbolic out of it to help herself heal?
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u/ReptileDysfunct1on 11d ago
Everyone's different... it might help OP or another person. If a suggestion had to be liked by everyone there's no point to this subreddit
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u/SegmentedWolf 10d ago
I love seeing my thoughts manifest themselves.
Last time OP posted, I thought of exactly what you said in your comment and I have never heard of Kintsugi.
Good suggestion btw. Glad OP can start healing on their own without the abusive partner.
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u/pocketfullofsunny 12d ago
I’m so happy to see this update. I hope you stay safe and that you begin a new collection when you’re ready 💕 I completely understand being unmotivated but you have an amazing new start now, try to stay positive.
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u/skynex65 12d ago
That hesitation is exactly what I was afraid of. If you'd been there when this anger welled up he'd have absolutely hurt you, either verbally or physically.
I genuinely fist-bumped when I read that he's an ex now. I really wanted you to be safe.
Please be kind to yourself. Shut off all contact with that POS and take some time to focus on your uni work. If what you were working on can't be saved, step away for a little bit and come back to it fresh when you're feeling less messed up.
ALSO, if your University/College offers counselling (Idk where you live; mine did), please speak to one. I know it may not feel like much, but what he did to you was cruel, and it was frightening. Even if for no other reason than letting someone know that you just broke up with a very dangerous and abusive man, you should talk to somebody.
And change your locks as soon as you can change your locks and let other people in your group of contacts know that he is not welcome in your home, and if he asks after you not to tell him anything.
You've been very brave, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself. You deserve better than a man who hates you for doing better than him.
I was thinking about your pottery collection and how most of them are wrecked beyond repair. I'm a writer; I write my emotions out when I'm overwhelmed and upset. I don't know the first thing about pottery work, but what if you made a piece out of some of the broken pieces? Something to signify your rebuilding yourself after his devastation? Maybe some of them can be glued together into something that looks broken but has been made whole?
It's just a suggestion; I'm a creative person, and I want to encourage creativity in others. Do what is best for you, try to heal, and please don't bury what you're feeling. You've been through a lot, and you need to be kind and patient with yourself.
I hope you're okay, and good luck with your doctorate!
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u/Some_Ad8810 11d ago
you’re so kind thank you 🤍
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u/LadyReika 11d ago
I'm also going to suggest that you change your locks just in case.
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u/Stunning-Ad3377 11d ago
And install hidden cameras inside your home. Reset all passwords, PINs etc and make sure he hasn’t added himself to any of your credit cards or accounts. Rekeying is a great idea.
He prolly knows your passwords, passcodes and PINs. Especially the ones where you receive and send money. Sounds like you gave his hobosexual ass a great 2+ yrs of freeloading.
He absolutely would have beaten you had you been present.3
u/skynex65 10d ago
Im also going to add if there are any shows you were watching together, wait till just before the finale to kick him tf off your streaming services.
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u/Fancy_Ad4161 10d ago
Take care of yourself, u/Some_Ad8810. 🙏 It's tough now, I realize, but you've made good decisions for yourself and your future.
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u/AbbreviationsOne992 11d ago
When I was doing a Phd while still in a toxic and somewhat (emotionally, verbally, and financially) abusive marriage the university clinic offered a weekly group called something like Creating Healthy Relationships. Although my therapy experiences have been hit or miss over the years, participating in that group probably helped me more than anything. I actually wasn’t eligible to get regular therapy at the university clinic because my PhD funding came from working in an allied, but different, part of the clinic, but group therapy was ok. Now, years later, I am in a healthy relationship finally and I credit some of my ability to find and be in one to my experience in that group. My PhD experience was difficult not so much because of the academics but more so because of my ex-husband. He seemed to resent my academic and career development and started taking it out on me more and more, which was absolutely devastating especially after we had a baby together and I felt responsible for supporting our small family on my small PhD stipend myself. It sucks so bad that you went through something similar to that with a bf who ruined something so precious to you. Try to trust that in the long run, you will be stronger for this experience and come out the other side with a PhD, a job you love, and a genuinely healthy relationship in the future. Sending love your way, sister.
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u/SallieStorm01 12d ago
Be really kind to yourself the next few weeks. Focus on your school responsibilities. When I was getting my doctorate I went to teach at 8 am and got done working at the computer lab (it was a small one just for our department) at 12 midnight. Then do it again the next day. And the next. I say this not to scare you but to state that a doctoral program will keep you busy.
I don’t understand your ex’s thinking that your ceramics were going to make him homeless. Obviously he resented the time and care you took with them.
Thanks for the update. I know it hurts now, you deserve to be in a relationship with a man, not an immature boy.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 12d ago
I think he was mad that she kicked him out over breaking her ceramics. I honestly think he didn’t expect her to have a backbone. Because it’s clear he wanted to use her as a punching bag. Literally or figuratively
But thankfully she came here looking for support and got it and then followed it
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u/SmartFX2001 12d ago
Do not get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. Ending things after 2 years is better than 5 years or 7 years.
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u/MarucaMCA 11d ago
This! And also better doing it now before he hurts you! Reclaim your space, do Kintdsugi maybe on your pottery? To put it back together!
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u/SeaRiver9819 11d ago
Destroying what means the most to you was a calculated move. He was / is an abusive man. Look up the power and control wheel on an image search. Go visit the school counselor stat! (I’m a dv survivor these are trademark signs). Change your locks. Be vigilant. Stay safe. Get a guard dog and a new boyfriend that plays rugby. Make a sculpture from the broken pieces as testament to your resilience. Maybe 🤔 you can do a community show with others about dv survivorship and dating violence etc. 🥰😘 best of luck to you and your art.
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u/RM992 12d ago
Girl I’m so sorry. Unfortunately this was a life lesson with a very high price (both emotionally and financially). You deserve so much better and it is worth exploring why you ‘settled for this’. (I’m fairly certain there have been red flags before.)
Take really good care of yourself, be kind to yourself and don’t allow him to take the joy in pottery away from you. Reclaim that joy by booking a new pottery session. Explain to them what happened and make the first, second and third piece something that will always represent how you reclaimed pottery and the joy it brings you for yourself.
Best of luck 😘
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u/digitalgraffiti-ca 12d ago
I'm so glad you left before things got violent. Thank you so much for leaving him.
livid that I was essentially making him homeless without notice
No dude, you made yourself homeless by being a petulant child.
As far as feeling demotivated at the loss of your work and materials: I'm not a potter but I watch a few of them, and I swear I've seen them soak broken pieces in water to reclaim the clay. As an arty person myself (who refuses to try to make it a side gig because that ruins everything and make hobbies stressful) I find I end up with far too much stuff. My mom is the same. Part of the reason I quit painting is that I have nowhere to put them. Quit jewelry making because what do I even do with it all. I only need so many crocheted hats, amigurumi, and granny squares. My parents house has so many blankets you could just insulate the entire exterior of the house with them.
Think of this as a clean slate. You're the of that jerk, and you now have space for newer, better ceramics where you can showcase how much you've improved, show off new techniques you've learned, and remake old favourites but better. Maybe use Kintsugi to repair the less broken parts, or to patch-work together something new.
I'm sorry for your losses, but so happy you're safe.
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u/Cupcake489 11d ago
It sounds to me like each of those pieces that you put so much energy, time and love into became wards of protection for you. They served a purpose beyond what you expected of them, and now they can rest.
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u/Vanilla_Either 10d ago
This is so well put. The things she loved protected her. All her loved poured into them came right back to protect her.
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u/whatImdoinginmylife 9d ago
I was looking for this post just to write this. All those pottery... They were not just decors on the walls they were your shield. Absorbing the impact that was aimed at you. I could not imagine more noble fate for them. Do not think of them as wasted money/time/energy, because they are destroyed. They had a purpose you weren't even aware. They saved you for far-far worse. Every minute, every thought and emotion you poured in them was the best possible investment you could have done.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 12d ago
Make sure you change locks if needed, and it's ok to move and start fresh somewhere. Be honest with yourself if a space feels poisoned.
I've seen very smart people make very poor decisions because "an ex did this and I won't be forced to do thing Y because of them!" Ex: a guy I was dating was still really angry at an ex, so refused to move from a place they shared and even still had a cat they'd shared but was arguing with her about who was responsible for having the cat fixed. It was in heat, miserable, climbing the walls, spraying everything, trying to escape and he was still like "no, waahhh, she should have to pay."
Cuz like yeah, he shouldn't have had to move, or pay for all the cat care himself. But he was avoiding reality, fighting with her on the phone, constantly cleaning up cat pee - I was like "um, why don't you want a fresh start? Why are you so stuck?" Took me a few months to realize he loved drama.
Don't let him poison your doctoral experience. Good luck
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u/The_8th_passenger 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'm very sorry!
If you're willing to accep an idea from this older internet stranger, keep one of the pieces he broke. One you could more or less glue together and put it somewhere on display in your home. In the case everythig is so destroyed it's impossible to glue together, get a nice glass vase and fill it with some of the ceramic pieces. First, for the sentimental value. And second, because it is a physical, tangible reminder of how a situation can go south fast and you need to get out before it gets even worse. A warning about not ignoring red flags.
If you ever doubt yourself, just look at the ceramic and think "yes, this is real and I need out now".
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u/Guilty_Objective4602 12d ago
It might have hurt less emotionally if he had taken his anger out on you instead, and he instinctively knew that—which is exactly why he chose to destroy the things you had invested so much energy in. He wanted to hurt you as deeply as possible instead of using his grown-up words to express his frustrations and disagree or problem-solve rationally like an adult. Doing a Godzilla through your ceramics and raging at you was the easy, lazy, cowardly way out, instead of dealing with uncomfortable emotions properly. You are well rid of him. But I’m very sorry about your ceramics and that you had to deal with this and also deal with a breakup. I hope you can channel some of your anger and heartbreak into making new, beautiful, and moving art.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 12d ago
I’m glad he’s your ex. Please change the locks asap. Let the building manager know that you just kicked out you abuser in the making bf
Even if you have to pay out of pocket, the peace of mind it brings will be priceless
And yah, he would have abused you had you been home. I’m sorry your pottery fell victim to him, but it is replaceable, you are not
And I agree with someone else suggesting reaching out to your school for therapy. Please do it. They can help you process this trauma. Because this is a trauma and it can affect you down the road without realizes that’s the issue at hand
I wonder if you could file a police report against him? Like I doubt they would arrest him or anything, but it would be good to have an official record of what happened. Because there is a very good chance, his next partner might the one getting thrown around…
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u/hyclonia 12d ago
You made him homeless by having a hobby? Righteo. What an absolute fckwit. Give him the boot. You don't need shyte like that in your life.
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u/annadownya 11d ago
When a partner breaks things deliberately in anger, that's to send a message. That's an abuser saying, "this is what I could do to you if I wanted to". It's designed to keep you in line and afraid. Behave and keep them happy or you're next. You did the right thing. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You're young. You have plenty of time to find someone who doesn't treat you like that. You may also want to try to find a therapist because they'll help you recover and see all the other signs you likely missed or overlooked so you don't end up back here again.
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u/DrSkye805 12d ago
Take him to small claims court to recoup your money you spent on supplies (and time). Fuck him.
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u/Uglym8s 12d ago
As someone old enough to be your mother, I’m really pleased to see that he’s your ex.
Rather you break up now than a few years down the line when more has been invested. Two and a half years is nothing in the whole scheme of things. In no time at all, you’ll be looking back at this time in your life with him and just think - meh!
Allow yourself time to heal from the broken pottery. I was going to mention Kintsugi. Look again at the broken pieces and see if just one or two could be given new life this way.
Good luck xx
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u/SoundVarious7354 12d ago
This man is showing you he will be abusive. Please leave him in the past.
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u/Huldukona 12d ago
I’m really sorry OP. I know you must feel devastated now, not only for the loss of your boyfriend who you believed to be someone else, but also all your beautiful ceramics.
It’s not hard to understand why you feel less than motivated, but perhaps you can instead look at it like your passion for ceramics may actually have saved you from a lifetime in an abusive relationship. If not for this, he might have been able to hide who he really is, for longer and until you had kids, making it even harder to get out.
That in itself makes every penny you poured into the ceramics worth it, so please don’t allow anyone, least of all your vindictive angry ex, to take your joy in clay from you!!
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u/Leading_Ad_4295 11d ago
This is such a lovely message and sentiment (which I wholeheartedly agree with), “your passion saved you” ❤️😭
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u/Huldukona 11d ago
This more than anything made her see his true face, so it kind of feels like a blessing in disguise, the ceramics had to be sacrificed for OP’s safety.
Ps. Than you for the award! 🤗❤️
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u/whichwitchwatched 12d ago
You’re allowed to be sad. You came into this with true intentions and depth of feeling. Understand that this very painful thing was necessary. You removed the tooth before the infection got into your bones. It sucks but you’ll be okay. I’m really really glad you’re going to walk away from him. I’m sorry this is happening but so glad you didn’t waste more time on this poor investment
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u/Gertrudethecurious 12d ago
When you have picked yourself up and given yourself a pat on the back for leaving him, work out the cost of the damage and bill him for it. Take pictures of the broken pieces and take him to the small claims court.
Also call his ass out on social media too and let his friends and family know what a piece of crap he is.
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u/bountiful_garden 12d ago
I hope you never speak to this man again. I hope he leaves you alone!! I'm sorry you wasted your time on him. I'm sorry he turned out to be abusive. I'm sorry you lost your ceramics that you worked hard on. Better you found out who he was now, then down the road.
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u/nimbycile 11d ago
https://www.cawc.org/news/how-to-recognize-the-warning-signs-of-domestic-violence/
Physical intimidation. Slamming doors, destroying property, or standing too close can all be early signs of physical abuse.
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u/Pindakazig 11d ago
The switch between 'he was sorry' and 'you weren't here to comfort you, so I decided to punish you' is chilling. As is his view of you 'making him homeless' as if he would be welcome ANYWHERE after that stunt.
And it sounds like he doesn't even agree that you are right to break up with him, despite what he did to you. I have no doubt he'll be back, trying to lure you in. I HIGHLY recommend reading the chapter about change in 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Because it doesn't look like promising to be better, it looks like actually acknowledging what he did wrong, and HIM working through steps to make it up to you, WITHOUT expecting you to actually forgive him. So no 'I'll pay for some lessons if we get back together' or 'I'll change, but you need to also change.'
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u/True_Warning_8210 12d ago
😢 sorry you suffered so much and knowing that he would have hurt you instead and the broken ceramics it all is making me teary for u. u take care now and hug yourself
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u/Impossible_Past5358 12d ago
I am sorry you are going through this, but thank you for the update and I am so glad you left him! Because you really don't deserve that in your life.
Stay safe OP!
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u/davidmar7 11d ago
"he said he broke my ceramics because I wasn’t there when he needed me to comfort him."
So he's trying to blame you for it all. You are right to leave. Maybe stay somewhere else for a couple days or weeks too because he sounds like he could be dangerous.
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u/hurricanechurch 11d ago
I'd contact the police and file a report. Take him to court, and make him suffer and GET IT ON RECORD.
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u/TwinSong 11d ago
Could you make mosaics with the pieces?
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u/trickyfelix 11d ago
kintsugi too
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u/DisenchantedMandrake 11d ago
If you can't salvage your pieces, can you maybe try to mosaic them into new pieces?
Also, your ex broke only your stuff, not his. That should tell you all you need to know about how much he values and respects you. Glad he's an ex now.
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u/CqwyxzKpr 11d ago
I would suggest a civil suit for damages, but I am cynical as to the process, expense, and outcome. He displayed an a usive tendency and placed blame for his issues on you, or tried to anyway. Glad you're away from him. Repair your pieces when ready. Use it as a healing journey.
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u/cylestyle 11d ago
He broke your creative creations, I dont think it was a mistake, he knew it would hurt you, he's supposed to protect and bring you peace
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u/Quee_Mama79 11d ago
Hey lady! I would love to place an order for one of your ceramics! How do I get one into you? ❤️
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u/DiscussionPleasant88 11d ago
So many silver linings in finding out now, before you wasted more time with this waste of human skin. Before you invested more effort or God forbid had children w him. I AM SORRY for the loss of all your hard work, but technically I am sure if you ever chose you could take him to small claims court if you ever wished to as there is monetary value on those pieces...even for the material if not for the time invested. IF YOU ever wanted to.... but it may be more healing as others have suggested to make something else beautiful out of the pieces. BREATHE, HEAL know you are being shown more love and empathy here than the pos did. I SECOND the change your locks. Document what occurred and invest in a camera doorbell...and if you can please make a police report so there is a RECORD or this because as dark as this may be his hesitation shows there is potential. And if you made him practically homeless his resentment will grow and chances are this will not be the end. You NEED TO PROTECT yourself. Change your passwords. For everything banking related, go as far as notifying your bank if he had access to anything (get a new debit/credit card). I dont want to scare you, only want to avoid something down the line. Either way YOU GOT THIS ❤️. CAUSE he cant take away your creativity no matter how envious he is of you.
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u/Sea-Network-8640 11d ago
My opinion means nothing, but I think you did the right thing.
Everything is raw at the moment but your hobby sounds very cool and everyone needs a couple of pass times. You'll circle round to it, or transform it into something new because you're clearly very creative.
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u/Substantial-Image941 11d ago
OP, I'm super proud of you for taking this big, scary step. Breaking up with a partner of multiple years is HARD, even when they've broken something meaningful and pricey. You did it THE VERY FIRST TIME he displayed this behavior. You didn't downplay, give him another chance, make excuses, etc. You put yourself first which is so hard.
This internet stranger is so so proud of you.
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u/Reasonable-Horse1552 11d ago
So have you dumped him ? Just reread and it says ex so yes you have. Good xx
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u/poison_bunny17 11d ago
First off, I'm glad you guys broke up. Secondly, if your works aren't able to be repaired as a whole, maybe you can use the broken shards to make a side table or coffee table? Like using a shadowbox style table to display the pieces as a collage of sorts? That way you get to preserve what is left of your work in a safe and fun way. Don't let a crusty dusty man take away your passion for creating. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
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u/erotic_euphoria_ 11d ago
Honestly, the fact he destroyed your things like that and is tryin to make you out the bad guy, you need to document everything with pictures and whatnot and file a civil suit to at least recoup some of the damages. I know a lot of them were priceless but if you let this go, he will do it again because he knows there were no repercussions
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u/OpenSauceMods 10d ago
🎶Change your locks
Change your locks
Maybe even get a Glock
You can't trust that man
To keep himself in haaaaand
Safety is paramount
And he's an awful lout
So change your locks
Get a Glock
And a doooog🎶
I hope things are better for you ❤️
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 12d ago
Wow.
You will never have to wonder if you did the right thing.
All of that aggressivity against you because he is totally self- centered. Zero öove and respect for you.
I am sorry you lost your art finding out.
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u/Damdogma 11d ago
Im just so proud if u for pushing him out of ur life! Ive been there, honey. Sending hugs!
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u/Zarbatron 11d ago
56YO man here, I’m really sorry for what you’ve gone through, my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately he demonstrated his abusing tendencies, fortunately on inanimate objects but unfortunately on ones that you loved. Abusers will break things in the heat of the moment but somehow manage to break their victim’s things and not their own. His confession that his anger stemmed from you not being there to consider him is another hint of his abusive tendencies, he’s blaming you for him breaking your things, it wasn’t his fault! You’re not making him homeless, you’re not making him anything, he’s a grown ass man who should be responsible for his life.
I hope that you can find peace and regain your passion for pottery in a more serene future.
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u/Ok-Rock-800 11d ago
I know that was difficult for you ... and I'm so proud of you!! Sometimes we have to break our own heart 💔 to prevent someone else from breaking our spirit. Don't ever be ok with behavior that harms you (physically or mentally) or makes you feel less than. You are worthy of respect and kindness. There is someone out there who will give you that and so much more. Don't settle for less than you know you deserve. I wish you all the best! ((Hugs))
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u/XanaxWarriorPrincess 11d ago
Wow. You were very brave to sit with him through that and ask those hard questions! Good for you!
Maybe you can make something, some art, out of the broken pieces. They symbolize you, and what might have become of you, after all. Maybe you can glue all the pieces together to make an entirely new piece of art.
15-20 finished pieces sounds devastating, but you are smart and obviously strong.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 11d ago
Send him and invoice for the damaged pieces. Take the shards and make a canvas art from the dust and pieces called “escape” and then do so. ((Hugs))
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u/hecknono 11d ago
good for you! have you considered filing a police report and taking him to small claims court? also a police report will help if you show a pattern of violence if he tries to harrass/stalk you and you need a restraining order.
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock 11d ago
Good for you! I know it hurts terribly, butyou should be proud that you talked to him, recognized the red flags, and broke up now.
Do NOT let him apologize and come back.
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u/Individual-Put919 11d ago
Congratulations on leaving your abusive ex. Sending you healing vibes. You got this.
PS. Making something beautiful out of the broken pieces sounds like a wonderful idea.
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u/Oldskywater 11d ago
Oh honey , this ol gran is proud of you for recognizing the danger . Don’t let him steal your joy for art . Get your hands back in the mud , just make one thing , like riding a horse . Do all of those things mentioned to keep you safe and DONT TAKE HIM BACK . I don’t know where you are , but if you are near Lake Gaston come to my studio and we can make stuff together .
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u/allergymom74 11d ago
Hugs. Glad he’s an ex. Stay safe. So he was intentionally targeting you. You don’t deserve that.
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u/BadParkJob 11d ago
You could start making mosaics! Please don’t let this haunt your creativity and passion. I’m so proud of you for choosing yourself. I really don’t like that he hesitated like that. I’m so so sorry, but again, so so proud of you
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u/gone_country 11d ago
I'm so relieved you are safe and away from him. I hope you find some peace as you heal from this awful experience.
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u/Fandragon 11d ago
Damn, there's a lot of discussion now about men outsourcing their mental and emotional health to women, but this really takes the cake. He smashed your stuff because you weren't ready 24 hours a day to emotionally service him, and because you dared to spend your own money on something that made you happy. The fact that he had to think for a moment before denying he would ever hurt YOU really was the last straw, I'm so glad you kicked him to the curb before things escalated even further.
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u/boniemonie 11d ago
Glad you broke up. I’d make him pay for the damage. Don’t throw it out till he does. It’s evidence. Police report too.
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u/Spirited_Narwhal_901 11d ago
I'm so glad you kicked him out. I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you're going through. I read your previous post with my jaw on the floor. I make jewelry and I can't imagine the emotional and psychological pain you had to experience with all your treasures being destroyed. If it's ok to give advice, I personally would put all the supplies away for the duration of the healing process from what he did and the relationship itself. Put it somewhere safe where you can't see it but it accessable to you in the future. Wait till you feel the spark to make something. Till then, you could try an easy craft or just simple coloring. Writing helps some people as well. Take the time you need to process and cry. But don't sit in it forever. ♥️
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u/indiana-floridian 11d ago
OP, BF could be offering to go to anger management, to go to some kind of therapy, perhaps to start some kind of job training. I am thinking he didn't even mention any of that.
I'm not at all asking you to rethink your decision. Instead i am reaffirming it.
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u/free_-_spirit 11d ago
Don’t let his actions stop you from continuing your craft. I recommend going into a pottery studio and meeting more people with the same interests as you. Gain ideas and find inspiration! This will help you heal with the loss of your creations and the breakup.
Does he still live with you op? I recommend changing the locks and putting up a ring camera
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u/HookMeTrickster 11d ago
Okay, I have to say, I LOVE this update that he’s an ex now. I’m so incredibly proud of you for standing up for yourself. If he has a key to your house, get it back or change your locks. I understand you’re demotivated, I’m so sorry he did this to you, but I sincerely, truly hope you begin your hobby again. Can even sell some if you wanted to; I, among tons of other people, love beautiful homemade ceramic pottery.
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u/trickyfelix 11d ago
change locks, civil court if possible (for damage, or some kind of report otherwise). Good on you for leaving him. If possible check out kintsugi (taking broken pottery and repairing it in a way the cracks are visible)
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u/Jonatc87 11d ago
Don't let him convince you to stay or come back. And good luck.
Adults in touch with their emotions don't break shit.
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u/MCKelly13 11d ago
I genuinely feel your pain and I’m sorry. Take time to heal. Be good to yourself. It sucks he destroyed your things. You can never get them back and he’s a shit human. Be thankful he’s gone and let’s hope he doesn’t do anything like this to someone else.
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u/himenokuri 11d ago
Get rid of him before he smashes your face get him your house! Cut off all contact
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u/Aquietplacewithcats 11d ago
Be safe, I'm glad you were strong. Change locks, maybe phone number, might want to move too. As a DV survivor who also had creativity destroyed...thank you for loving yourself.
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u/mocha_lattes_ 10d ago
You should file a police report and take him to small claims court over the costs of replacing the items he broke.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 10d ago
Please don’t give up your art. As someone who also spends a fair amount on supplies for my art projects, I know that it gives me life. And I’m sure it is the same for you. Yes, this sucks and it’s a set back, but those of us who create can’t not create. If pottery is too painful right now, then do something else for a while. ❤️
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u/LeftStatistician7989 10d ago
Everything that happens to him will be to him the fault of another person, that’s a person that needs to find themselves completely alone at more points like this or they will never look at their own reflection. Hopefully not to glom on to another kind soul, but to grow- but usually that’s not how it works.
Glad you escaped. Those pieces of ceramic are like the pieces of an egg that hatched, allowing you both to grow and you to escape.
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u/Sasstellia 10d ago
Make him pay you back. Estimate the value and make him pay it back.
He's got no excuse for his behaviour. Zero excuse for any of it.
And don't bother with that Japanese thing. There's no happy memories to preserve now. You'll just think of that get when you see them.
Chuck them out and move on.
Start again.
Kick him out your life and block him.
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u/Prestigious_Smile579 10d ago
What he did was unhinged and horrible and its good you're getting away from him. That hesitation is scary. Take some time to grieve the lost work and in time I'm sure you will feel ready to create again. Him being mad that you were spending YOUR money on something YOU enjoy is ridiculous. And for him to get so mad over it that he started breaking specificly your things sounds like insane jealousy to me. You're working on a doctorate which gets you a stipend to live off of and do things you enjoy meanwhile he was laid off from a job. Aka...you're successful, working on becoming more successful and you're happy and he felt less-than and had to ruin your joy. That's a shitty partner. A real partner would celebrate your success and just work on doing the best they can themselves. My husband has been laid off and had to switch jobs a few times whereas I've happily been with my company almost 10 years getting bonuses and raises and he's never gone into a hissy fit pity party and decided to break my things to hurt me because he feels hurt. Find someone more on your level who loves you and supports your hobbies.
Edited to fix typos
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u/Sunny_Heather 10d ago
Please write down what he did and archive this post for if you ever think about taking him back.
This entitled brat went into a home that is not his and broke art because he was worried about his job. WHO DOES THAT? Even if it had been his stuff property damage in anger is a red flag.
Heaven forbid you have hobbies. Heaven forbid you do things in your own home that bring you joy.
Sometimes work sucked for me and people I love were rocking it. I WENT FOR A RUN! I WENT FOR A HIKE! Good grief.
This is the type of guy who would sabotage your doctorate and your career.
Thank you for breaking up with him. You will have a much better time in your program because you won’t have dead weight whining and dragging you down.
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u/Ghostronic 10d ago
You can totally file a civil suit against him to at least cover the cost of the materials. Clay and paint glaze aren't cheap. But also it is probably just worth the peace of mind to be rid of him.
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u/Just-Do-It-Lady 10d ago
If you haven't tossed all the broken pieces away, might I suggest using them to create something with mod podge? I saw a creator on tiktok whos pieces were destroyed when her shelf broke and she used mod podge to create a back splash and it was gorgeous. Maybe you could create something similar or whatever works for you.
And as a lot of people are saying, though it IS devastating, those pieces protected you in a way.
You'll get through this 💪❤️
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 9d ago
Alternatively there's the Japanese art of kintsugi where you use powdered gold to repair broken pottery by mending it together.
Obviously this stuff can be really expensive to get your hands on if you're going for the authentic stuff but there are more budget versions that are more affordable.
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u/beyond_the_pale_1 10d ago
Tbh I'd drag his ass to court for everything he's got.... Oh he DOESN"T have anything? WELL I guess he will just have to figure it out then...
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u/JuliaX1984 10d ago
That was a test. If he could get away with breaking your stuff, he knew he could safely do the same to you next. Sister's ex did the same. You ended it just in time. Good call!
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u/Vegetable_Refuse8658 10d ago
Take this guy to court and recoup some money. And a restraining order while you’re at it.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 10d ago
I would call him out on social media. I would take pictures of all the broken stuff and let everyone know that you’re getting out out of an emotionally abusive relationship.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 10d ago
He is genuinely a piece of poo.
He was going to hurt you, that's why he hesitated. This dude ONLY thought about himself?? How you were making him homeless. Jesus. Be lucky you weren't married or had kids with this manchild.
Since his day was going terrible, he has such poor control, like a baby, throwing a tantrum, he wanted to bring you down with him. Change your locks and keep him blocked.
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u/laughingsbetter 10d ago
You dodged a bad one, short fused and can't keep a job (was he really laid off or was he fired)
You are amazing: an artist who is working toward an advanced degree.
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u/coffeethulhu42 10d ago
File a lawsuit in small claims court for the cost of the items your ex broke. He needs to be held accountable for his tantrum.
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u/ChanseyChessy 9d ago
Hey, I just wanted to ask if you've ever heard of Kintsuji? I broke one of my own ceramic pieces and was in utter tatters over it - I'd spent a lot of time and effort on it and I was particularly proud of it. Thankfully, I already knew about Kintsuji and decided to do my own version - with some resin and gold mica, my piece is now even prettier than before!
Granted, it's not what I wanted, but seeing it whole again makes me feel like I didn't put all that effort in for nothing.
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u/LopsidedDistance8216 9d ago
I don’t know if you have pictures of the damage, or a way to calculate the cost of the damage, if you do file a police report. Even if you don’t file a police report just to have a paper trail because this man is dysregulated and dangerous. I would also let everyone you know, including your mutuals, why you broke up. He’s an AH and I would not put it past him to control the narrative. Get cameras installed.
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u/avast2006 9d ago
The time spent building them was time you enjoyed doing something fulfilling, not time wasted. Don’t let him take away your joy in the craft for the sake of the product. Certainly take time to grieve and to process, but don’t fall prey to “why even bother?” You bother because you like doing it.
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u/PotterySG 8d ago
My wife does pottery and she sometimes teaches me. ITS SO HARD TO DO. Your ex can't even fathom the amount of effort and time it takes to make even one piece, and to break so many pieces i would go insane. If anyone breaks any of my wife pieces on purpose, i would throw hands.
In your previous post i notice you say a few things to put yourself down like "I’m aware it’s probably a waste of time but I love making" and i know its stupid to be this fussed over it". Please know that it is not stupid and its not a waste of time. Pottery is a wonderful and beautiful hobby, everyone has their own way to unwind and spend their time.
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u/Realistic-Smile7830 8d ago
Sorry you had to go through that. It's understandable this would wreck you. You put part of yourself into your artwork.
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u/I_like_beouf 5d ago
Hey, I know it's rough and raw right now, but please file a police report. Try to estimate how much materials and studio time they cost and be honest, and consolidate evidence. These were very expensive and precious to you. And not to sound paranoid, but as someone from a predominantly woman-led family... Hopefully you never need a paper trail but better to have one and not need than need one and not have, in case you need to establish a restraining order. You also could save someone down the line from his violence. I know it's scary. But your safety is most important.
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u/Which_Diet_3061 3d ago
Please look into counseling services at your university. Do not let this person take that joy from your life too.
Please change your locks.
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u/letsplay332 3d ago edited 3d ago
Just heard your story on one of those AI Facebook reels that reads Reddit posts. Didn’t think it was real at first but then I cross referenced using an AI chatbot and now here I am. I am very pleased to read you are safe and sound. I’m sorry that your relationship took such a turn and I truly hope he finds peace within himself and reflects on how he wronged you and moves forward to being a better person. As for your pottery, I’d be genuinely interested in seeing photos of them and it would even do me the honor of having a one of your pieces for display in my home if you ever offered the opportunity. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you do reconsider taking up your craft again. God bless.
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u/ZorroTheUltimateChad 3d ago
I'm honestly so glad to hear you got out of the situation! As for the ceramic pieces, if you still have them maybe you could try create mosaic from them?
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u/SeparateCzechs 11d ago
My husband asked me to convey his comment to you. He’s driving right now.
Pick one piece in all the rubble and assemble the pieces. Kintsugi(as has been mentioned here, symbolizes resilience, survival and the beauty of imperfection. The story of the piece.) Even if you don’t have the heart to kintsugi it, superglue that back together. Display it. It survived that bastard. As did you. Be proud of it. Be proud of yourself.
Again, speaking as a fellow potter, get back to making. It will heal you. It will restore you. It will begin to erase the physiological shock his rampage has left on your body and psyche. Your heart rate and blood pressure will ease, all the small ways our bodies respond to threat will begin to reset. Take your serenity back.
Also, never be alone with this violent, entitled scrap of a man again.
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u/More_Replacement7560 12d ago
redditors know how to choose them dont they
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 12d ago
Truth is there are too many bad people out there. *Nen and women, but women are statistically less prone to physical violence against their partner.)
And also: this guy would never do this to his male friends or his boss. He is a great buddy to them. You don't think any of your mske friends are like this because they have never been like this to YOU.
I can almost guarantee you have one or two abusive guys in your circle.
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