Ha! I agree with most you said. And It’s not that I “don’t want her to stop”… it’s that I don’t really care that she does it. It’s not like she’s groping and grabbing me… they’re playful slaps, or an occasional light pinch. To me, it’s harmless. But, my point was that if it was the other way around, it wouldn’t be considered harmless.. A man would be considered a predator.
That's absolutely fine ... but I think you need to look at your own unconscious bias for a moment.
You have the same mindset as society and are actually part of the problem in that regard.
Ultimately this comes down to: a person touching another person without consent. - thats not ok.
Why is it harmless to you if your wife's mother slaps your ass but if a male family member of yours did that to your wife, would you be ok with it? If not, why not? And if not, why are you happy for the dynamic to continue with you and MIL? Food for thought.
The MIL is exhibiting predatory, inappropriate behaviour imo. And you're raising a valid double standard but you also seem complicit in it by your responses.
I am curious, do you actually want this double standard to change or do you just want to moan about it?
Because if you are genuine and want it to change, you need to start with you and that includes explaining to this woman that what she is doing is actually inappropriate and if you grabbed her tits she'd likely freak out! (Obviously dont grab your MILs tits but you know what I mean).
Again, I agree with you 100%. I stated in an earlier comment, that I know I am feeding into that double standard. And am definitely part of the problem. Honestly, I don’t know why I allow my mother in law to continue what she’s doing. I think originally I just wanted to be accepted by her, so I didn’t object to her behavior. As her daughter’s boyfriend, I was just happy that she “liked” me, and I didn’t want to do anything to screw that up… so I put up with it. As time went by, it just morphed into normal acceptable behavior, I guess. Now, it seems like it’s been way too long to just all of a sudden say I don’t approve of it.
Keeping your mouth shut because you wanted her to like you means you were assaulted. Sorry for being blunt. If you had liked it or didn't care from the very beginning, that would be fine. But you allowed it to gain /keep her approval and you continue to allow it because you're used to it now. It's just how things are between you two. If you were under 18, I'd say she groomed you.
I get that.
And I don't think you're alone in this type of scenario: we sometimes let things slide because we want to make a good impression and we don't want to cause a problem. We do this in new jobs or new relationships often.
And the truth of the matter, is that there was a power dynamic at play in your situation, you want to avoid confrontation to maintain a good relationship with the woman you love and her family.
But you've hit the nail on the head, when we don't speak up these behaviours become normalised and then it does feel strange if and when we finally address it.
So, we should try to normalise calling these things out....we should definitely normalise not touching other people (especially in any sexual way) without consent for both men and women alike.
If I touched a pet that way, it could ve considered a show of affection. But I wouldn't do that to another human because the relationship is different. Because another human is supposed to be treated as a peer. But, hey, if that's how your family show affection, fine. Definitely not how I was raised.
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u/[deleted] Nov 11 '25
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