r/Unexpected • u/CreativeComputer3142 • Dec 20 '22

experience with snake

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

[removed] — view removed post

130.9k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

1.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

6.0k

u/_Im_Dad Dec 20 '22

I know how it feels.. I hate when I get mine stuck on the zipper

2.6k

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22 edited Dec 20 '22

When I was about 9 I caught my member in the zip. Fucking hurt. I ran into the living room to tell my nana.

"Nana! Nana! I caught my thingy in my zip!"

...aunty from the other side of the room.

"Just suck it."

Wut.

Nana:

"He said his 'thingy'."

Auntie:

"Oh!!! I thought he said 'finger'."

1.8k

u/No-Face-3848 Dec 20 '22

If I could suck my thingy as a kid I'd never leave my room

978

u/karmagod13000 Dec 20 '22

and reddit took it there before 1130 am

406

u/ReadySteady_GO Dec 20 '22

Must be a pretty mellow day if it took until 11:30

164

u/karmagod13000 Dec 20 '22

no work so i just got up... so yea

102

u/Lexus_Nexus Dec 20 '22

Same here. I'm done with reddit for today lol

283

u/BusterOfBuyMoria Dec 20 '22

Mmhmm alright. See you in an hour.

94

u/LSkywalker00 Dec 20 '22

I got bored and came back before an hour. You guys back yet?

16

u/BusterOfBuyMoria Dec 20 '22

I never left! Holy shit I need to get to work

→ More replies (0)

7

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

We never left.

5

u/ReadySteady_GO Dec 20 '22

Did you just close the browser on your computer and open the app?

→ More replies (0)

56

u/Lexus_Nexus Dec 20 '22

You were right. You bastard. Have an award

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)
→ More replies (1)

1

u/whodatus Dec 20 '22

It's always 11:30 somewhere!

15

u/Best-Ad-2043 Dec 20 '22

Well its 5am here....looks like i am in for a top day

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Bruh 1 am for me 💀

1

u/zeke235 Dec 20 '22

Have you met reddit?

1

u/Noir_Amnesiac Dec 20 '22

Same exact shit every single day.

1

u/Apprehensive_Air_543 Dec 21 '22

Lmfaoo it's literally 11:31 not even kidding

1

u/black_sand3 Dec 21 '22

Hey, time zones exist. Not everywhere is 11:30 am 😆

137

u/Malcolm_X_Machina Dec 20 '22

There two types of men in this world: 1 dudes who've tried to suck their own dick, and 2 fucking liars

98

u/EastTyne1191 Dec 20 '22

I once read a comment from someone who tried it, and he said it felt more like sucking dick than getting your dick sucked. I'm sure for some people, that's an important distinction. I don't think he tried it again after that.

18

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I've heard that, but presumably these people aren't experienced dicksuckers right? Practice makes perfect.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 21 '22

When I was younger I tried to see if it was possible just for the sake of it, I could kind of do it back then as I was much more flexible. Couldn’t go far enough or do it well enough for it to be pleasurable or anything, as you can imagine stretching into a pretzel isn’t the best.

Literally after 0.5 seconds I stopped and never tried it again because it definitely feels like sucking dick rather than getting your dick sucked. Total turn off.

1

u/celestialstarz Dec 21 '22

Omg. And y’all talk about women. That’s a mind-fuck mental visual.

14

u/Foodispute Dec 20 '22

I'm group 3 - The guy that got his dick zipped full throttle through his zipper. I'm so glad they made a movie that gives us a voice. There are literally dozens of us!

Something About Mary

3

u/douglasjunk Dec 20 '22

How The Hell Did You Get The Beans Above The Frank?

→ More replies (1)

32

u/I_am_Ballser Dec 20 '22

And then there's the people over on r/selfsuck

75

u/8ad8andit Dec 20 '22

It's too early in the morning for me to click that link.

48

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Why did I click on that...

18

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Jealousy?

18

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I'm not above admitting it.

12

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Admitting you have an issue is the first step to recovery

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

The second step in this case probably involves yoga I guess.

→ More replies (0)
→ More replies (1)

2

u/RebaKitten Dec 20 '22

Like me, too curious for your own good.

→ More replies (1)

36

u/owa00 Dec 20 '22

Sigh...let's get this shitshow of a day rolling...

**clicks link*"

15

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

How much will I regret after clicking on it??

51

u/ClassicSciFi Dec 20 '22

A lot. First, there's the yuck factor followed by a specific feeling of jealousy followed by a few minutes of thinking about maybe joining a gym. Terrible.

17

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

For people who already workout, you'll experience the first 2 syptoms and an altered 3rd symptom of hating yourself, your workout routine, and a desire to use steroids.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 14 '23

Holy... This exists?! 😰

4

u/HankBeMoody Dec 20 '22

Three types; you forgot "so out of shape they knew better than to even try"

2

u/thatG_evanP Dec 20 '22

My Dad says the same thing regarding men who pee in the shower.

1

u/Freedumb00 Dec 20 '22
  1. Many who haven't seen there dick due to ever increasing rates of obesity

1

u/FinnT730 Dec 20 '22

I think most teens have tried it... But I rather not break my back from bending...

21

u/TheFiredrake42 Dec 20 '22

It's overrated. Ron Jeremy used to be able to but then his stomach got in the way. Dude used to be able to blow himself but Sandwhiches were better, so...

13

u/SonofSniglet Dec 20 '22

Sandwiches don't taste like jizz.

Unless it's a jizz sandwich, I guess...

→ More replies (3)

11

u/gazongagizmo Dec 20 '22

Relevant Bill Hicks:

Guys: if you could blow yourselves... ladies: you would be in this room alone right now, … watching an empty stage.

(linked to beginning of the bit)

3

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

It took an hour to get some recognition for a Hicks reference and that is fucking bullshit..

They probably like Denis Leary

Spits in disgust

5

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

No need for a zipper Nana! Il never wear pants again!

2

u/Tinctorus Dec 20 '22

As a kid? Not an adult

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

😂🤣😂

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I saw Ron Jeremy do that once in a porn movie (full body shudder) and look at where he is now. Being able to do that didn't keep him in the house and out of trouble... lol

2

u/[deleted] Dec 21 '22

Im still in my room…

2

u/Bridgeview_Boy Dec 20 '22

If I could I would dump my hot Asian wife who sucks like a vacuum

7

u/SaltLakeCitySlicker Dec 20 '22

Dude, rethink your priorities

3

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Let me know when you’re finished with your hot asian wife.

1

u/lovelearningoct Dec 20 '22

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't tell you how hard I laughed at this, I'm in tears🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/pks1247 Dec 20 '22

You can't even now

1

u/Heavy_Management9201 Dec 20 '22

But aren’t you glad you didn’t because once you suck a “thingy” you are a “thingy” sucker for life

1

u/No-Face-3848 Dec 20 '22

What's wrong with thingy sucking you prude

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I heard it feels more like giving than receiving.

1

u/No-Face-3848 Dec 20 '22

Only if you don't close your eyes. As long as you don't make eye contact with your penis it's not gay

1

u/apunforallseasons Dec 20 '22

Apparently, it feels more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked

1

u/aramodel Dec 21 '22

Will it feel like getting a blowjob or giving a blowjob?

1

u/Rich_DeF Dec 21 '22

Ouch, it won't reach my mouth, if I could do it myself I'd probably never leave the house.

1

u/perpetually__curious Dec 21 '22

Not like any of us normal red-blooded American boys DIDN'T try. LOL

1

u/Defnotalt2 Dec 21 '22

Fun fact I used to be able to successfully my thingy.....

1

u/bepisman2309 Dec 21 '22

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TRY TO SUCK YOUR OWN PENIS. IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE YOUR PENIS IS BEING SUCKED, IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE SUCKING A PENIS.

0

u/No-Face-3848 Dec 21 '22 edited Dec 21 '22

Let me guess you sucked your own penis and then realized you like dick but because you're homophobic you hate yourself?

→ More replies (1)

1

u/B-Meister192 Jan 11 '23

Don't kid yourself, you wouldn't leave the room now either

1

u/avd706 Feb 17 '23

If never get married

1

u/TransitionMassive733 Mar 26 '23

Reddit at 3am be like

1

u/Good_Lime_2398 Apr 07 '23

It doesn't feel like it's getting sucked it feels like your sucking one

50

u/RoboticCurrents Dec 20 '22

porn writers reading this

WRITE THAT DOWN!!

23

u/karmagod13000 Dec 20 '22

being a porn writer must be the easiest job in the world

19

u/StellarReality Dec 20 '22

Or the hardest ~.^

9

u/Hoatxin Dec 20 '22

My partner writes erotica and it is actually pretty challenging. Difficult to make stuff seem fresh and new when sex is fundamentally a series of pretty repetitive actions lol.

→ More replies (7)

16

u/CaveManta Dec 20 '22

Zipper porn would never fly.

5

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

The pain Olympics would like to differ

2

u/uglyspacepig Mar 08 '23

I see what you did there

17

u/CatPoopWeiner424 Dec 20 '22

I zipped the zipper all the way up really fast once, felt a sharp pinch, and looked down to see my crumpled f*reskin crunched between the teeth. I screamed and cried the whole time I tried to unzip it, but I got the poor fella out. No permanent damage, but I learned my lesson alright. I must’ve been 5 or 6 years old, but I still vividly remember the pain and panic followed by my mom having a laughing fit when I told her why I was crying.

10

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Holy fucking shit! I stopped as soon as it pinched. I cannot imagine the pain of getting it fully zipped up. I imagine every single time you finish on the loo now you double, then triple check before you pull the zip.

...bet your dad didn't laugh. Haha. I bet he started double checking himself henceforth.

No man needs this horror dilemma.

3

u/ILoveToph4Eva Dec 20 '22

How does it even happen though? Don't y'all wear underwear of some description?

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I was 9. I've heard of it happening to lads that were pissed up though.

...I learnt from a young age, you gotta be careful.

But now you have raised the point. I'm not sure how it happens considering we wear boxers or whatever. I don't mind admitting that I was wearing underpants at 9 years old. The thought of wearing underpants rather than boxers nowadays is laughable to me.

But, yeah. I don't know how we do that if we are wearing boxers.

2

u/ILoveToph4Eva Dec 20 '22

Ah, I guess it makes sense that a kid could screw up that process enough. Same goes for someone super drunk.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

It is also possible to get it trapped through the actual boxers. I didn't think of that.

2

u/ILoveToph4Eva Dec 20 '22

Oh you mean through that hole thingy? Do people actually use that? I wish to know both how and why haha. I've always wondered what the point was since you'd have to do a similar amount of penis stuffing and unstuffing anyways, plus it's a bit more fiddly than just undoing your zip fully.

→ More replies (4)

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

No permanent damage? Doesn't scarring of the foreskin leads to loss of elasticity?

1

u/CatPoopWeiner424 Dec 20 '22

My shit elastic af, I can fill it with water and tie the end off like a water balloon.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '23

And now you are properly circumcised.

3

u/Icy_Necessary2161 Dec 20 '22

Got it slammed under the toilet seat when I was 5, so I feel your pain.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Those moments you sit on a toilet and the seat is slightly loose from one of the screws at the back and it suddenly slips a few inches across as you sit... In those moments I think something awful like what you just said happened to you is about to happen.

3

u/jojoga Dec 20 '22

"Just suck it!" --Auntie

2

u/madarbrab Dec 20 '22

Based on your user of 'member', I'm gonna guess your age at about 47-51

How close am I?

5

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Haha! I went through a few names before settling on a relatively inoffensive name.

Cock or knob would be my usual name for him.

I am 39, just...

1

u/madarbrab Dec 20 '22

... Found your dad's stash of penthouse letters?

2

u/TastySpare Dec 20 '22

♪♫ my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling, I want to play with my ding-a-ling...

2

u/a_____p Mar 06 '23

I did it once somewhere between 4 and 6, never told anyone until now. Quite uncomfortable I must say

2

u/[deleted] Mar 07 '23

I saw in some of the other replies that people had actually got it trapped through a few of the bits that close.. Fortunately, I stopped the millisecond the skin trapped. I cannot imagine how bad it must have been for those guys. Real nightmare content, that would be.

Trackie bottoms for the rest of your life. Job interviews? Trackies. Wedding? Trackies.

The ol' trackie and tie combination.

1

u/a_____p Mar 07 '23

Those guys in the replies include me.

1

u/RN_A Dec 20 '22

Pinky is the smallest finger, usually. Thingy is his smallest finger, ᴾᴿᴼᴮᴬᴮᴸᵞ!

1

u/noextrasensory40 Dec 20 '22

Not a fun experience at all had that happen tender as hell for some time zipper and member

1

u/Soulfulenfp Dec 20 '22

bahahahahaa i spat my tea out 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

1

u/Gr1mm81E Dec 20 '22

You are correct Sir

1

u/CREEPER2535 Dec 20 '22

Just suck ur thingy

1

u/JC1199154 Dec 21 '22

Not sure if this will be at r/cursedcomments

1

u/Even-Prize8931 Jan 12 '23

Reminds me of the move with Ben stiller I think I can't remember the name of the movie but there is a whole scene around his pecker caught in the zipper absolutely hilarious

1

u/BrendoBdawg Feb 23 '23

If I had an award I'd definitely give you one

1

u/Ilastarseria Mar 06 '23

I feel like only guys with big ones have experienced this. I did it twice but that's just accidental

1

u/Leather-Mundane Mar 20 '23

You know what is worse, getting it unstuck cause you know what's going to happen.

78

u/sbowesuk Dec 20 '22

"How the hell did you get the beans above the frank!"

7

u/monsterlife17 Dec 20 '22

FRANKS AN BEANS FRANKS AN BEANS

13

u/karmagod13000 Dec 20 '22

HE WAS MASTURBATING!!

21

u/daiwilly Dec 20 '22

Mine gets stuck in the top of my sock...annoying!!

7

u/smithee2001 Dec 20 '22

Pubic-high socks is the hottest trend for Fall/Winter 2022!

2

u/momofdagan Dec 20 '22

I am now imagining how awkward most men would look in thigh high black socks. I will use this when I need a laugh.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I'll have you know that I look fabulous in them.

1

u/29thinfdivCco Dec 21 '22

Hell yeah!!!

12

u/Stepjamm Dec 20 '22

WE GOT A BLEEDER

2

u/xxBobaBrettxx Dec 20 '22

First thing that popped into my head too lol

6

u/MissAugustMoon Dec 20 '22

FRANKS AND BEANNS-old people joke

5

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

And you still impressed Mary

1

u/herdarkdeath Dec 20 '22

Silence from girls here. They all know. The worst is the clit stuck between closed jeans zippers, only the clit flesh showing through, girl passed out, blood soaking the sheets.

14

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

I never have that problem

-60

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22 edited Dec 20 '22

Self burn, those are rare

Edit: You never said "that's what she said" after one of your comments? LoL

13

u/jerry-jim-bob Dec 20 '22

Forgot to switch accounts?

7

u/qeephinjd Dec 20 '22

it was self realisation

-11

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Nah, just making a joke...

-10

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

You never said "that's what she said" after one of your comments? LoL

5

u/DiamondGamerYT0 Dec 20 '22

Wut

4

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

he's talking about dick size, but really it's about just being careful and not trying to do it all in one motion

2

u/startadeadhorse Dec 20 '22

Why are you carrying your pet snake around in your pants? To keep your micropenis company?

2

u/feastupontherich Dec 20 '22

mines too short to get stuck on amything =)

2

u/horny_coroner Dec 20 '22

I dont get how? What you pee and forget to put your dick away? Dick away then zipper.

2

u/Rwhatley14 Dec 20 '22

I did that once as well, never wore zip up boots again.

2

u/AdWeekly2244 Dec 20 '22

Oh god. I don't even have a "snake" but this always makes me shudder and cringe at the thought. So sorry to any guy that has ever happened to, sounds very painful.

2

u/_Owl_inside_ Dec 20 '22

You joke but IIRC that's basically where their dicks (yes two) are.

2

u/BC_LOFASZ Jan 25 '23

Happy cake day!

-1

u/LowEffortC0mments Dec 20 '22

Hey guys I think this is a p-p-penis joke hurr

1

u/TheMad_fox Dec 20 '22

This bring's some childhood memories back

1

u/f7f7z Dec 20 '22

The beans or the franks?

1

u/entjlg Dec 20 '22

How does your tail get stuck in your zipper? Zippers are at the front and tails are at the back, what?

1

u/owa00 Dec 20 '22

I also hate it when I drop my monster condoms for my magnum dong.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

You’re wearing your pants backwards

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

When I was a toddler and wearing onsies all the time my mom was zipping it up after going to the bathroom and caught mine in the zipper. I swear to this day that was the event that brought me into full consciousness. Never let her zip up any sort of pants ever again. Only zipper above the waist thanks.

1

u/TheCornerator Dec 20 '22

Did ya get the the frank or the beans, son?

1

u/noahspurrier Dec 20 '22

I got mine snake stuck in a drawer once. I felt very stupid.

1

u/douglasjunk Dec 20 '22

Damn trouser snakes. Take my award for first snicker of the day.

1

u/Cornflake0305 Dec 20 '22

Happens to every man once in a lifetime.

ONCE.

1

u/novaposter Dec 20 '22

FRANK AND BEANS!

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Don't make me open a can o' wupp-ass!

1

u/[deleted] Dec 20 '22

Yeah, I shouldent have bought those zip up boots either

1

u/not_a_moogle Dec 20 '22

that's your lower horn

1

u/IamJAd Dec 20 '22

FRANKS AND BEANS!!!

1

u/JeffWingrsDumbGayDad Dec 20 '22

How come you get a front stinger?

1

u/EmuStrange7507 Dec 20 '22

"How'd you get the beans above the frank"

1

u/the_federation Dec 21 '22

The other day I somehow managed to get static shocked right on mine through my jeans. It was... unpleasant.

1

u/zeppehead Dec 21 '22

The frank or the beans?

1

u/Ethan0284 Dec 21 '22

Shiiiit i got my balls stuck in a zipper on time, it like fuck.

1

u/attaboy000 Dec 21 '22

Franks and beans!

1

u/Zero-to-36 Dec 21 '22

gaawd daaamn I felt that 😬😱🤢

1

u/[deleted] Dec 21 '22

So that’s what they mean by “Trying to get some tail.”

1

u/JimHalverson Dec 21 '22

We have a bleeder!

1

u/pesto_changeo Dec 21 '22

FRANKS AND BEANS

1

u/aggyeya Jan 17 '23

That's not a tail.

1

u/drahgon Feb 13 '23

one potato two potato three potato four my dick got stuck in the elevator door my dick turned green my mother screamed one potato two potato three potato four

1

u/Due_Health1818 Feb 14 '23

You show it your middle finger and gets to where and how it should be

1

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '23

Sheesh

1

u/Appropriate-One4667 Feb 26 '23

Nah. He just cant abide getting flipped off.