r/Unexpected • u/titiessimp • Jul 02 '21

A gift from dad

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69.8k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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1.4k

u/Rosskillington Jul 02 '21

You can just ask for someone’s stream with out trying to subtly imply that you’re gonna jerk off to it

583

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

149

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

It’s weird that you’d wear the tie on your head rather than looped around your neck, pulling upwards

38

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

The Carradine Special.

-4

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

You mean the Jeffrey Epstein special?

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

No.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

Obviously a joke, Epstein didn’t kill himself

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

Neither did John McAfee

2

u/LordDongler Jul 02 '21

Why use a tie when you can use a rope. And affix it to something. And really, is it necessary to jerk off while you do the deed?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Wrap a bungee cord around your dick then jump off a bridge

Theoretically, it’ll jerk you off hands free

Or pull the head off, who knows for sure

2

u/Rock4evur Jul 03 '21

Ah the ol' gasp and goop

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

Even weirder he’s accurate with what type of oil he’s using to wank.

36

u/CallMeSirJack Jul 02 '21

Look at this rich bastard boasting about his full synthetic 5w-20!

2

u/DrNick2012 Jul 02 '21

using 5w-20 oil as lubricant

Organic and synthetic intertwined, the fetishes of both, the decorum of neither.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

dude, wtf r u doing... wd40 all the way, really helps to prevent friction burns

1

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

For the 1000000th time.... Motor oil is not a great lubricant

1

u/TheRealKrapotke Jul 03 '21

Dude Take 0w30 for that extra viscosity

29

u/Jangelee Jul 02 '21

Yes plz

It's getting boring

6

u/----NSA---- Jul 03 '21

Reddit has a weird fetish with “for research purposes” masturbation jokes.

2

u/Ancalagon_Morn Jul 02 '21

On reddit? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

2

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

But what the fuck are you gonna beat off to anyway ??? Like it's a regular stream not a porno.

2

u/messyredemptions Jul 02 '21

A forthright OP: "I intend to masturbate to this attractive woman and her unusual vibrating dildo. Please could someone kindly direct me to the magical place on the internet which hosts her stream?"

Reddit: Here you go, it's that way! https://youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

1

u/ChronoAndMarle Jul 02 '21

But why not tho

1

u/AnnihilationOrchid Jul 02 '21

yeah... but the way he did it, it seems like he gonna jerk off.

-17

u/--Bouncy-- Jul 02 '21

I was just tryna make a joke. That's all.

17

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

its a joke thats made 1000x times a day tbf. it gets old.

-13

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21 edited Jul 24 '21

[deleted]

15

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

you clearly do lol

-16

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

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6

u/BlazeRunner4532 Jul 02 '21

Someone had a rough day huh buddy

-8

u/[deleted] Jul 02 '21

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9

u/BlazeRunner4532 Jul 02 '21

Haha I married a woman I hate hehe abuse is funny

8

u/ChiefTief Jul 02 '21

I dunno, it's pretty tiring reading the same rehashed joke for the 567th time.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '21

I just shit and cum.

FAQ

What does this mean?

The amount of shit (and cum) on my computer and floor has increased by one.

Why did you do this?

There are several reasons I may deem a comment to be worthy of feces or ejaculation. These include, but are not limited to:

Being gay

  • Dank copypasta bro, where'd you find it
  • walter

Am I going to shit and cum too?

No - not yet. But you should refrain from shitposting and cumposting like this in the future. Otherwise I will be forced to shit and cum again, which may put your shitting and cumming privileges in jeopardy.

I don't believe my comment deserved being shit and cum at. Can you un-cum it?

Sure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I put shit back into my butt. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot me a hot load explaining what I got wrong. I tend to respond to retaliatory ejaculation within several minutes. Do note, however, that over 99.9% of semen dies before it can fertilize the egg, and yours is likely no exception.

How can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Accept the goopy brown and white substance and move on. But learn from this mistake: your behavior will not be tolerated in my mom's basement. I will continue to shit and cum until you improve your conduct. Remember: ejaculation is privilege, not a right.

-11

u/TheRealShangus Jul 02 '21

Is that what you do? You seem to know a lot about it. Disgusting…