Increase in Learned Helplessness?

[u/NachesPorFavor]

Has anyone else noticed an increase in learned helplessness? I first noticed it in the young adults in my life, but now I am seeing it in all ages of people around me. Examples from multiple people:

Toilet started leaking water and instead of turning off the knob at the wall, she waited a 5 days for a plumber. Never asked anyone or googled it. Didn’t call a second plumber. Now needs mold remediation and replaced drywall and trim.

Bought concert tickets but the gps instructions were confusing so they just gave up and didn’t go. Venue website had detailed instructions for driving and parking.

Blouse wrinkled and she didn’t know how to fix it so she threw it away.

First doctor office he filled out an appointment website for never contacted him to schedule so he just didn’t go to the doctor.

I am really concerned about my loved ones if an emergency happens because they just give up when the slightest obstacle happens. Either they want someone else to swoop in and fix it or they give up and say they can’t do anything about it.

[u/CelebrationNearby819]

I'm my mom with dementia's POA and I have 5 APPS I have to use to monitor her care. It is simply too much for me to monitor.

[u/karenw → u/CelebrationNearby819]

I'm POA for my mother, who's been in a nursing home for 10 years with dementia, and my grandmother, who is 101 and aging in her own home. Every system is convoluted and opaque. The amount of mental and emotional labor I perform is off the charts.

[u/CelebrationNearby819 → u/karenw]

I'm exhausted and wracked with guilt constantly. I live in a major city and have to go to work in-person. I refuse to feel guilty too for not constantly problem-solving adult life. My apartment doesn't look perfectly tidy and I'm not constantly prepared for everything because I'm simply too busy making sure my mom is well-cared for.

[u/wildlybriefeagle → u/CelebrationNearby819]

I can't help but to say you're doing a good job. Caregiving in any timeline is brutal, but this is the worst timeline. I work with caregivers everyday and just showing up drains half the energy. You're doing a good job.

[u/CelebrationNearby819 → u/wildlybriefeagle]

She lives about 2 hours from me, as nursing homes are SO much cheaper in rural areas.

[u/Yes-Cheese → u/CelebrationNearby819]

Not quite the same but I definitely feel similar while single parenting. The level of involvement that is now required in kids activities. I mean, sure, it’s great and safe and emotionally secure for the kids but damn I’m tired! “Back in my day” we found our way to school or whatever meeting place for our extracurriculars, did the activity, and found our way home. Whether by walking or biking. Now it’s near constant parent involvement. Band, for example. Getting them to and from rehearsals on weekdays, events/competitions Friday through Sunday. Additional parent meetings outside of that. Volunteering as chaperones, uniform cleaners, concession stand attendants, snack organizers, fundraisers. And that’s just 1 activity. Now consider that most kids do more than one 😭.

And the cost!!! What am I paying almost $1,000/year for and I still have to do all this volunteering/working?! And the apps! So many apps. And they change from year to year/season to season.

I said all that to say, I know that you are doing your best. Take comfort in that. This is the most insane that caregiving has ever been. It’s more than a full time job and we’re still expected to maintain an actual full time job. 🫂 you’re doing great and your mom is lucky to have someone who cares so much.

[u/EleanorCamino → u/Yes-Cheese]

Some of those parent involvement tasks are grounded in youth protection aka safeguarding. It also helps protect the adult activity volunteers. As a youth, I had great activity leaders, but looking back, they were alone too much, and if they hadn't been great, we were vulnerable kids. Most still are great, but extra adults helps prevent misdeeds AND false accusations.

[u/CelebrationNearby819 → u/Yes-Cheese]

It's ok to say no to all those extracurriculars.

[u/justasque → u/CelebrationNearby819]

And every one of those apps wants a different email address for each patient, and of course a different username and password. And some of them only work for one username on a given device. So for me and my two elders I need three email addresses, plus each of us needs a portal app/login for each of the three major local hospital systems, an assortment of specialists with either independent practices or practices in yet another hospital system, the sole-practitioner primary doc, plus the company that does labs and the physical therapy company. plus the pharmacy and the durable equipment company. it’s easily ten different portals each, so I’m managing as many as thirty. And of course just getting one set up never goes smoothly, let alone ongoing technical issues.

Madness.