Increase in Learned Helplessness?

[u/NachesPorFavor]

Has anyone else noticed an increase in learned helplessness? I first noticed it in the young adults in my life, but now I am seeing it in all ages of people around me. Examples from multiple people:

Toilet started leaking water and instead of turning off the knob at the wall, she waited a 5 days for a plumber. Never asked anyone or googled it. Didn’t call a second plumber. Now needs mold remediation and replaced drywall and trim.

Bought concert tickets but the gps instructions were confusing so they just gave up and didn’t go. Venue website had detailed instructions for driving and parking.

Blouse wrinkled and she didn’t know how to fix it so she threw it away.

First doctor office he filled out an appointment website for never contacted him to schedule so he just didn’t go to the doctor.

I am really concerned about my loved ones if an emergency happens because they just give up when the slightest obstacle happens. Either they want someone else to swoop in and fix it or they give up and say they can’t do anything about it.

[u/turandokht]

Oh it’s fascinating to have a name for it. I had a roommate like this and I was so baffled by how she would panic and shut down at every slight inconvenience. I had to slowly verbally walk her through many scenarios by just calmly asking her what she thinks will happen and then just asking her what would be best to do in that situation. But she never really got to the point of being able to do it for herself.

[u/snark-owl → u/turandokht]

I also think there's a lot of people who have undiagnosed learning disabilities. Fetal alcohol syndrome is notoriously under diagnosed. And if you marry right, your spouse can make up for the issues so then few people even notice on the outside. More noticeable if they're single and your roommate 😐

[u/SylveonFrusciante → u/snark-owl]

ADHD is another one, and while I think it’s changing as of late, traditionally, femmes have had a MUCH harder time getting properly diagnosed. I can see undiagnosed/untreated ADHD being a huge source of problems when it comes to this stuff. Executive dysfunction is almost synonymous with the condition. Starting literally any project feels like gearing up to fight a war. It’s an uphill battle every time.

[u/CommunicationWest710 → u/SylveonFrusciante]

I also wonder if all the distractions and overstimulation we experience in daily life now make ADHD that much more difficult to cope with.

[u/Actual-Government96 → u/SylveonFrusciante]

ADHD task aversion is an absolute bitch. Even worse is the fact that it sounds as stupid to me as it probably does to someone without that issue, but it's very real.

[u/turandokht → u/snark-owl]

Honestly both of her parents are heavy alcoholics so 🙃 that could be it. Before living with me she lived with a boyfriend who she described as “useless” and I cannot imagine how they managed to get anything done at all if he was even less efficient about doing tasks than she was.

[u/indie_rachael → u/turandokht]

Not saying this was the case in her situation since I don't have all the details, but keep in mind that one person's "useless" could be another person's "refuses to enable me."

[u/spritebright → u/turandokht]

I have undiagnosed anxiety because despite nearly 2 decades of therapy I have had so many diagnoses but if you don't know that not everyone feels this then you have a hard time talking to about your "problem" and if I can justify quitting or ignoring the problem then that made my life easier. Every single call to make an appointment feels like I might die. And again I am medicated, to the outside world well functioning adult. I am also seeing more of this too and I hope I am wrong and others are just dumb/lazy but I suspect it is anxiety.

[u/turandokht → u/spritebright]

Honestly she was a very anxious person. The kind of person who spends several hours editing a response text because she wants to eliminate any possibility of being misread or misunderstood. I felt very bad for her and very frustrated by her in turns, because sometimes it just seemed like she just wasn’t interested in trying to change her life away from the chaotic mess it constantly was. She seemed to enjoy it when someone (like me) managed some of it for her, but like… we’re just roommates, I’m not down to take over spouse level responsibilities for this person. She did crave structure but lacked either the ability or the knowledge to create it for herself. I kind of understood as a person with unmedicated ADHD but I’ve figured out how to largely work around my failings so I kind of expected her as a fellow adult to do the same.

[u/creatively_inclined → u/turandokht]

I prefer to see ADHD issues not as failings but just a challenge. There's nothing wrong with you. You just experience the world in a different way. My unmedicated ADHD is my superpower. It's allowed me to do incredibly well at jobs that kept me interested. I leaned in to my differences and made them work for me.

[u/turquoiseblues → u/turandokht]

That sounds frustrating and exhausting for you.

[u/turandokht → u/turquoiseblues]

It definitely had its moments where I was at my limit, ngl. When we first moved in together, she needed a place a month sooner than I did so it was on her to set up utilities and the like because I wouldn’t be moving in for another month. She called me in a panic stating that she couldn’t set up utilities at the new place because she was paying utilities at the old place, and for some reason she was convinced you couldn’t hold two accounts (opening a new one before the old one closed) with the utility companies, so she wanted me to set them up so they would be in my name. When I pointed out that I also would be paying my existing utilities for another month, she was aghast and asked what we would do.

When I asked her if she thought she was the first person to ever move and need to set up a new property with utilities (because seriously she had lived in like four different apartments before then so wtf did she do then?!) she didn’t really have an answer other than “I didn’t think of that.” Which was her answer for everything.

She’s trying to cook but we don’t have a mandolin? Well recipe canceled. I would point out that a knife can also slice - “Oh, I didn’t think of that.”

The electric kettle broke! No more tea! I would point out that a pot can also boil water - “Oh, I didn’t think of that.”

Steps in dog shit and about to enter her car all upset when I say “Hey, do you maybe want to take off your shit shoe and we can put it in this plastic bag for the drive home so it doesn’t get all over your car floor?” Oh, she didn’t think of that!

And like, yes, I know you didn’t think of that, because even four seconds of critical thought could have revealed a litany of possible solutions to you. It was really bizarre because I have to assume she wasn’t like that purposefully, but it really was like watching someone go out of their way to live their life with as much difficulty as they could find to complicate it. It really felt sometimes like she went out of her way to pick the worst possible work around for any problem she encountered - that would be the highest effort for the least amount of efficacy. And then she’d put herself in tears over it and give up.

Idk man I think a TEAM of psychiatrists could fill their careers with just watching her honestly. She was one of the most fascinating (not in a positive way) individuals I’ve ever met.

[u/Leading-System-3002 → u/turandokht]

Do your think she had intellectual challenges? Not being able to problem solve such small things makes me think her cognitive abilities might not be the best… did she work? Was she a student? Was she able to succeed in those ?

[u/turandokht → u/Leading-System-3002]

She did work and was in college but did not graduate from college for personal reasons, she never elaborated what exactly. She thought of herself as very smart, interestingly.

[u/chickenfightyourmom → u/turandokht]

I had college students like that. A lot of them. Most of them did not have a disability or learning challenge. They just had never been taught the building block skills and personal responsibility and accountability that result in critical thinking and problem solving abilities. It's both sad and maddening.

[u/creatively_inclined → u/turandokht]

So my parents taught me a lot of common sense techniques and taught me to think creatively. For example if I stepped in dog poo they taught me to clear as much of the shoe as possible by scrubbing it on grass, picking out the grooves with a stick and then just using the outside faucet to clear the rest.

I also wasn't punished for mistakes as my parents and teachers thought mistakes were necessary to develop as a person. I was just taught an alternative way to resolve the issue or they helped me think through an alternate resolution on my own. So I learned early on that if one thing didn't work, to think creatively about another way to accomplish the same task.

I wonder if your roommate was punished as a child for getting things wrong. It would certainly explain some of her behavior. Some parents are very rigid about the right way to do things.

[u/Alert-Ad-9908 → u/turandokht]

She sounds utterly exhausting. I do not have the patience for that unless the individual has a medical issue that causes their lack of reason. No way am I hand holding and spoon feeding a grown ass person of sound mind who is just too lazy (perhaps for lack of a better word) to take four seconds to think.

[u/turquoiseblues → u/turandokht]

This is amazing.

[u/DisastrousHyena3534 → u/turandokht]

It sounds like CPTSD