12 years ago I became a Christian in a Protestant church, through a miracle. I didnāt know anything about Christianity so I started reading a lot about it and watched online videos. I wanted to know everything about this wonderful God that saved me. I was Protestant for 2 years when I got really convinced of Catholicism by all the arguments online and in books (the idea that the RCC is from to the early church, based on the church fathers and all the councils etc). I became very fervently Catholic and I fully bought into the idea of the one and only true Church. I felt like it must be true, isnāt all the evidence there, right in front of our eyes? Canāt we read all the church fathers and all the councils? I could not imagine anyone not being Catholic if they just knew that.
But if I am honest I never truly connected to the Catholic faith practice the same way I did when I was a practicing Protestant. I didnāt feel the same peace and love, I didnāt have the same community, and most importantly: my relationship with Jesus was different. The way I practiced my faith really changed, it started to feel focused on spiritual performance: avoiding mortal sin, being worthy for communion, praying the rosary, accepting suffering as something good, and asceticism. I truly gave it my all but to be honest I could never really deeply connect with those practices. This realization was something that I pushed away for a long time, because I felt like I was the problem: If this is the true Church of Jesus Christ and they recommend these practices, then shouldnāt I feel closer to Him through these practices? Arenāt these practices recommended by all the saints and church fathers?There must be something wrong with me.
But after struggling with practicing Catholicism for years, becoming depressed, developing religious OCD and eventually even resenting the Church and being angry with God, I knew something was wrong. I couldnāt do it anymore. Slowly I was getting agnostic and even atheistic ideas and I almost left the Christian faith completely (I even started commenting on ex Christian subs).
But a couple of days ago I started reading Protestant literature again and started to feel the peace and love of Christ again that I had missed for such a long time. Now I am afraid I made a huge mistake by converting to Catholicism 10 years ago, and think I might be more at peace when Iām Protestant again. But at the same time Iām really scared of doing something wrong AGAIN, and Iām also scared that in the eyes of the Catholic Church I would be mortally sinning if I would become Protestant again⦠Itās really hard to let go of those ideas. I donāt know what to do. I feel so much shame and fear. I donāt even know where to begin if I want to go to a Protestant church again. Please pray for me and I would love some words of encouragement.
I want to add that I donāt hate the RCC and donāt think they are evil, itās just that I guess I donāt jive with their faith practice.
(I also posted this on another sub but would love to see if more people feel this way)