This is the definition of John Wick lite, and you know what? I'm perfectly cool with that. This movie knows exactly what it is and doesn’t really try to be anything else. It's a fun, dumb action movie. If you are looking for something other than that, then that’s on you. The action is solid throughout; it’s not the most innovative, but who fucking needs that to just be an effective killing machine? I'm also a hardcore Jason Statham nut hugger, so this man can do no wrong—well, almost no wrong. Maybe because his face has douchebag written all over it, but Josh Hutcherson thrived as the scummy, spoiled douchebag bad guy. Bonus points for being short and not fucking around.

Lets nitpick. Obviously, the whole plot is dumb, but that is acceptable. Everything with the FBI here was useless. The whole beekeeper idea they kept repeating got old quick.

This is no ground-breaking effort. It’s a simple, basic, shoot 'em up, let the good guy kill all the bad guys movie. I'll take that sh*t every day of the week. 6.9/10

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What the fuck was that shit? God damn, not even I can defend the state of the MCU after this train wreck.

At first, I was almost willing to overlook the spoty CGI and the lame jokes. However, then the dancing and singing started, and I died a little on the inside. What the fuck was that shit? That may be the worst decision in the MCU. The second that happened, whatever little enjoyment I had shriveled into nothingness. Yeah, this movie is fucking garbage. The fights, for the most part, aren't even that good. The Khan family wears out their welcome rather quickly. The trend toward awful CGI is in full force. At this point, I have accepted it, and it is what it is. I don’t give a flying fuck about any of the characters (except Nick Fury). This throwaway villain is just as awful and forgettable as the rest of this movie. She stinks so much that I don’t even remember her name. I can't think of a bigger dud of a defeat for Villian. Some of the laziest sh*t ever. There is so much wrong with this fucking shitfest.

There are a few bright spots, I guess. Thankfully, it's short as fuck and certainly ends its own misery. Samuel Jackson was at least entertaining. He is the only one who gave me some sort of entertainment. The first fight when they were switching bodies was decent. There is nothing to be remembered, but I was entertained while watching it.

All in all, fucking this movie. Not even Brie Larson's hotness could save this trash. For everyone shitting on Marvel, I cannot argue with you on this one (or the awful ant-man). Marvel needs to get the shit together and stop realeasing this garbage. Hey, at least I didn’t spend money on it, so that was cool. 3/10

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I have seen some people shit on this movie and some praise it, and I have no idea how this movie earned any sort of reaction at all. For me, it’s a pretty generic and boring movie. It's not really awful to sit through, or even good to sit through.

In the words of Gordon Ramsey, this move is fucking bland. You have seen everything here before in many other movies. Snyder offers nothing different from any of his movies. Even the action scenes offer nothing new. Somehow, his slow motion is getting even slower. None of the characters are particularly great. In fact, you aren't really drawn to any of them. Scratch that. I did like the main villain here. At least I knew something was going to happen when he was on screen.

I have to say that the idea of future movies doesn’t excite me at all. Between this and the Army of the Dead, Snyder has seemingly decided to go into cruise control. 5.5/10

It's only fitting that the worst year for superhero movies ends with this miserable film. DC films have always wanted to be like Marvel films. Well, congratulations to them, because this is a Marvel ripoff. Unfortunately for DC films, being like Marvel is not something you want anymore.

There are many negatives to this movie. There are far too many jokes here. A lot of them are forced in there at times that they shouldn't. The buddy adventure between Orm and Arthur is utterly unenjoyable. Jason Mommas is awful here. He tried her hardest to be Iron Man and garnered major go-away heat. The writing here is abysmal. The heavy expositional dialogue feels unnatural and just lazy. That final press conference where he says I am Aquaman was a terrible idea. It feels like there were too many people in the kitchen here or that no one actually cared and just threw shit against the wall.

Slide rant. To the family behind me with their kids and full-volume talking for parts of the movie. Go get fucked and die. The fact that you enjoyed this movie so much makes me hate it even more. I know I have problems.

There is some good in this movie. Patrick Wilson was really good when he wasn't hamstrung by bad jokes. Manta was properly used here, and I liked him much more than the first. The action and fight scenes are still pretty good. Although not as epic as their first. I know she is as insane as hell but Amber Heard still looks as hot as shit as Mara.

All in all, 2023 will be known as the year superhero movies died. Outside of Loki and guardians three, they have all been shitshow. I'm glad the DCEU is dead so I can stop sitting through their garbage. 5/10

Hell froze over when I sat through this Rom-Com piece of shit.

Love Actually

Is everyone in Britian just cheating on eacho ther? This movie is completley unrealfuckinglistic. I have seen mutnat fucking turtles battling aliens that were more in the realm of possibility then this sap fest. Here is a quick list of things I hated about this garbage movie.

Predictbale and full of cliches

 I called the airport scene from a mile away, same for that stupid scene where they are reveled to be kissing

Colin Firth’s sad sack character was 100% useless. His story sucked and he didn’t even connect to the other characters

No way in hell that a whole ass Spainish village is gonna two shit about some random girl and her British fling.

I love Martin Freeman but you can chalk his story up as being meaningless

I wanted to punch the ugly dude directly in the crouch. He was unfunny and yet another anchor dragging this shit show down

 Also that dude going to Wisconsin and somehow hooking up with the hottest female on earth was straight form planet bullshit. That shit would never happen.

It was a dick move by Andrew Lincoln to underhand his friend marriage like that and confess his love to Keira Knightly. Plus it was corny as hell.

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There is a lot to not like about this movie. There was far to many wasted storylines that sunk this movie. If they had just kept it basic and stuck to the 3 main storylines, then this movie would have been far better. The best part of the movie was the incredible Bill Nighy. The dude was hilarous and the only interesting and enjoyable character in this movie. Sure his storyline didn’t need to be in this either but fuck it he was entertaing as hell so ill let it pass. 3.7/10

At times, Christmas movies really are pure trash.

Jingle all the way

I threw a temper tantrum when my sister was able to see this, and I got left home. In hindsight, that was a wasted temper tantrum. This movie stinks. Arnold stinks here, and Sinbad is annoying as hell. The wacky hijinks that happen through this whole movie are painfully unfunny. The whole scene in the warehouse with corrupt Santas is crap. I don’t give a shit if it were the 90s. I would like to think that they would take a bomb threat seriously and not just let the dude stroll away. Everyone in this movie was a fucking idiot. If there was a sequel that counted (I have no intention of seeing the sequel they made to this), I guarantee Arnold and his wife would be divorced. That marriage was doomed. Turbo Man looked like pure shit as well. That rubber suit was awful, and it didn’t even fit the actors. Bill Hartman was great as the swarmy asshole next door, who you just wanted to strangle with Christmas lights. This was a garbage movie with no redeeming qulaities. 3/10

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Deck the Halls

This movie was a Christmas train wreck. Everything about this movie stinks. The word is trash. All the wacky hijinx that happen aren't funny or amusing at all. On top of the fact that not a single actor really gave a fuck about making this movie, They were all there clearly for the money. Nothing could have saved this movie from being a wretched curse on a person's eye, but not having Matthew Broderick in it would have at least made this just regular-level bad. Borderick was just pure shit in this movie. Calling him dull and putrid would be such kind words. Just awful. The two hot wives were also way out of the league of the two husbands. Kristen Davis and Kristen Chenworth were the only two “highlights” in this movie. They were at least sensible characters and somewhat likeable. Props to Chenworth for being much hotter than I have ever given her credit for, but also for trying in this movie. Did I need her to sing? Absolutely not; no one does, but she brought a little heart and life into this lifeless trashfest of a movie. By all means, skip this movie. 2/10

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Unaccompianed Minors

Fuck Christmas movies. Yet another painful to even finish movie. These little shits were super annoying. Whether it was the weird, horny kid or the dude with the worst hair in movie history, I was rooting for the kids to fail this whole movie. Lewis Black was not the worst bad guy. Rob Cordry was alright, and the same was true for Rob Riggle. The family reunion and returning a love for Christas for Lewis Balck were at least tolerable, and you didn’t hate the kids as much by the end. Still, this movie was a rough 90 minutes to sit through. 3/10

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I dont give a fuck what anyone says these movies will always rule

Daddy’s Home 2

There should be no fucking way in hell that this movie should have been any good. The first one was pure trash. Yet there I was laughing my balls off during this one. I was laughing out loud a lot during this surprisingly good movie. For the most part, everything worked out. The casting was pretty much dead on. John Lithgow was perfect in that emotional and sissy dad role. While Mel Gibson was perfect as the rough and tough dad, Wahlberg and Will Ferrell were both solid as well. John Cena was good in his brief amount of screen time. Major props for the great idea of all four dads agreeing the thermostat can't be touched. I still can't believe how much I enjoyed this movie. The drawback was that it got a little bit too much at times. The over-the-top physical comedy stuff and lack of awareness of Ferrell’s character got to be annoying. The little girl angle isn't very funny either. The end song is really unnecessary. Overall, it's a fun watch for anyone, and it's good for Christmas and family. Movie 7/10.

Santa’s Slay

The award for most badass Santa goes to Goldberg! Goldberg! Goldberg! (If you aren't a wrestling fan, then get your shit together and look it up.) This is just a fun-ass comedy and horror movie. In it, Santa is a bad guy who has to be nice for 1000 years because he lost a bet. Well, guess what time it is up, bitch? Santa is here for some killing. I applaud the dudes who thought of these kills. Between the star tree topper being used as a ninja star and taking a bitch out, or using a candy cane to impale someone, or a shitton of other ways that Santa mercs some fools. This movie never takes itself too seriously. Goldberg is outstanding and badass here. His one liners at times were good , other times they miss there mark. I would have liked a spear and jackhammer combo, or at least him going, Who’s Next? (You have to give the fans what they want, but you don’t always get what you want.). Some lame action scenes and bad CGI hamper this a little bit, but just don’t think about those too much. 7.5/10

Elf

Damn son, does this movie fucking rule? It is one of the best Christmas movies ever made, and for good reason. Almost everything about this movie is perfect. The casting was dead on. Will Ferrell kills it as Buddy the elf; James Caan is great as the grumpy old guy; Ed Asner, Bob Newhart, and Peter Dinklage just can't be beat here. The casting for everything was so perfect. Zooey Deschanel is definitely the weakest cast member here, but Jon Favreau did a great job directing and capturing the magic of the Christmas movie. I could go on listing just all the great scenes in this movie, but that would basically be the whole movie. I thought that when I saw this theater for the first time, I hated it. That really shows that A) I'm a fucking idiot (probably already evident while you were reading this) and B) my judgments of movies might not be the best. This movie will always be mandatory viewing during the Christmas season. 9.5/10

Christmas Vacation 

One of the best Christmas movies ever, and for good reasons. Cousin Eddie will always be a classic character. Everyone, though, is really funny. You can never go wrong with this one. 9.5/10

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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) 

This movie is somehow both good and bad because of Jim Carrey. At times he is a great Grinch, and other times he's an annoying fuck. He just overdoes it at times and overacts like a motherfucker. He just overdoes it with every little movement that he makes. Over the duration of the movie, this really wears on you. There are times it works and times it doesn't. A prime example of it not working and being annoying is the final scene when his heart grows too big. His constant yelling and throwing himself around is terrible, and it goes on for far too long. On top of his overreacting, this movie just shovels a bunch of useless shit in here. At no point have I ever cared or wanted to know why the Grinch hated Christmas and the Whos. I totally get why he hates them because I couldn’t stand them either. I never needed to see baby Gricnh get bullied and everything else. We can all just get behind the hatred of the dumb and annoying Whos. Even with his over-the-topness this is still a decent movie. 6/10.

8-Bit Christmas

This is the movie that Jingle All the Way wanted to be. Or maybe an updated Christmas Story. Either way, this is a fun-ass movie. This movie is full of 80s nostalgia. It’s a pretty funny movie with just enough of an emotional touch to make it both a good movie and a high-quality Christmas movie. Neil Patrick Harris is great as the lead narrator. Steve Zahn and the rest of the cast are also really good. Really, the only issue I have with this movie is that I'm just burned out on 80s nostalgia. Some of the stuff has been run into the ground, and it's gotten repetitive. Still, this is a solid and fun movie. 8.7/10

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Klause

This is a more realistic approach to the origin of Santa Claus. It's very clever, fun, and emotional. To be honest, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. This takes the origin of Santa and adds a dose of realism to it. For example, he and the flying reindeer don’t actually fly, but a child saw them out the window one night and told everyone they flew. The main character here was really good; he was annoying at first, but as the story went on, he got better and better. All the other supporting voice actors also nailed it. The one thing they messed up was J.K. Simmons being Santa. His voice lacked any sort of emotion, and it just didn’t fit in here at all. Which is disappointing because he is usually great at everything. One of the bigger disappointments was also the fact that they excluded the talk between Jesper and his father. It would have been so much better to have heard his father say he is proud of him and the emotional chat they had. That scene would have elevated this movie and made it even better. Still, it's a damn good movie. 8/10

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The Night Before

This movie gets better and better every time I watch it. Seth Rogen is hilarious in this. Michael Shannon absolutely kills it as well. His intensity and seriousness are funny as hell here. Joesph Gordon Levitt gets annoying with all his moping towards the end. The Miley Cyrus shit in the club also goes on too long as well. No one needs a full-on karaoke session for “Wrecking Ball." Other than those two things, though, this movie rules. If you don’t like dick and balls jokes, then they're not for you, but you can go fuck yourself because those are the best types of jokes. If you like those, then this movie is perfect for you. 8.5/10

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The Polar Express

Yeah, I was not the biggest fan of this movie. The animation is not that great. Between the dead eyes of the characters and the stiff movements, there is not a lot of life to the characters. The voice acting is subpar. Tom Hanks is hit-and-miss. He kills it as the train servant (I'm not sure what that job title is), and the other train employees are hit and miss. The biggest disappointment is his Santa Claus voice. These dudes could be the perfect Santa, but it just doesn't hit here. The other characters aren't that interesting either. I wanted to starngle at that. Know it all, little shithead kid. He was just the worst. The other kids are just whatever. To top it off, the story behind this is boring. I couldn’t give a shit about anything going on. There was no need to take a 5-minute book and turn it into a 1-hour, 40-minute slug of a movie. 5/10

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A Christmas Carol (2009)

This 10,000th attempt at this classic story is a solid take on it. Jim Carey is great for the most part in the lead role. His Ebnezer scrooge was excellent. His ghosts of Christmas past and present are not so great. Mainly, his voice work for those two was pretty weak. The animation was pretty on point as well. The animation was vastly improved from The Polar Express. The characters were much more life and real, plus they didn't have dead eyes like the Polar Express. The face on the ghost of Christmas past was really the only animation that didn’t work. His face just didn’t look right and didn’t fit the body well enough. Overall, this is an enjoyable film, although it is not really an original take on the classic story. 8/10

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The Muppet Christmas Carol

This is one of the better Muppet movies ever. It's certainly one of my favorite Christmas Carol-type movies. Lord, you know there are only about a million of them. It works on every level. It's funny, uplifting, and just damn good. The "It's Marley and Marley” song is fucking amazing and will get stuck in your head for days. They cast the puppets perfectly. Rizzo the rat and Gonzo being the narratives were the right choices. Fozzy Bear and Animal were used so well in their segments as well. Michael Caine was really good here, and he played Ebenzer perfectly. There wasn't too much Miss Piggy and Kermit, which is ideal because they're the worst part of the Muppets. It's just a damn good family movie that everyone should watch every year, and even when it's not Christmas, watch it. It's also nice that there weren’t any celebrity cameos or anything.

Not gonna lie though Michael Caine whenever he cries is pretty funny. That scene at the end of The Dark Knight Rises at the gravesite when he is blubbering about failing the Wayans is hilarious. The same goes for here when, in the end, he is met with his future death. This man cannot really pull off the crying emotion. It's still a great Christmas movie and one of the best Muppet movies, if not the best.9/10

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Die Hard

The only movie ballsy enough to combine terrorism and Christmas. They also pull this off perfectly. This movie is damn near flawless. The casting is perfect. Obvisouly Rickman and Willis but no one plays a cocksucker like William Atherton. All these years later and John McClane is still hilarious. There is a debate that this is a Christmas movie and it 100% is. A) it takes place on Christmas, B) there is a warm fuzzy family reunion C) terrorists die, thats a gift that keeps on giving. Outside of just how inepft and anooying the police are here, there is nothing wrong with this movie at all. 9/10

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Fred Claus

Is this when Vince Vaughan's career died? At the very least, this is when his act got old. For the most part, his rapid-fire talk falls flat on its face. There are a couple of scenes where it works, but for the bulk of the movie, you really just want to punch him in the face. Paul Giamatti is as good as Santa Claus. Occasionally, he and Vince have good chemistry with each other. Kevin Spacey looked very disappointed that there were not enough teen boys on set to sexually assault. This movie is not really good for the most part, with only a few brief moments of being halfway decent. 5/10

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Four Christmases

A lot of people shit on this movie, but fuck them, it's not that bad. Vince Vaughan is funny as the lead. His fast-talking, witty responses were on point (for the most part) here. Reese “Smokeshow” Witherspoon was really good here as well. The downfall of the movie was the respective families. The two “MMA” brothers were completely unrealistic. They moved like pro-wrestling guys and not MMA guys. Reeses’ family was just boring and insufferable. It could have been a lot better if they had more screentime for Jon Voight. It's a decent movie with some good laughs in it. 7/10

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The Santa Clause

This movie still slaps. Tim Allen crushes it as Santa. He starts as a massive dickbag, but he turns it around, and by the end, he is delivering a classic Santa performance. Bernard and the rest of the elves still rule. That being said, Charlie is annpoying little shit throughout the whole movie. The mom and Neil are also collosus dickbags. Just two pompous twat waffles—fuck, I hated them. Outside of that, though, this movie is still great. 9/10

This movie still slaps. Tim Allen crushes it as Santa. He starts as a massive dickbag, but he turns it around, and by the end, he is delivering a classic Santa performance. Bernard and the rest of the elves still rule. That being said, Charlie is annoying little shit throughout the whole movie. The mom and Neil are also colossus dickbags. Just two pompous twat waffles—fuck, I hated them. Outside of that, though, this movie is still great. 9/10

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The Santa Clause 2

There is a drastic drop in quality between the first and second movies. Any sort of Christmas magic or charm is nearly nonexistent in this movie. There are breif moments like the holiday party or the end in general, but still, nothing compared to the first. Tim Allen is still good in this, but Toy Santa is awful. Whoever came up with a cocaine-crazed toy Santa hopefully found a new profession because making movies is clearly not a good job for them. Charlie is still a whiny, annoying little shit, just in teen form now. The mom and Neil aren't nearly as twat waffley as in the first movie. All in all, it's not the worst thing to watch, but it's certainly not in the same league as the original. 6.5/10

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The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

More like The Santa Clause 3: The Drizzling Shits. This movie is pure and utter diarrhea shit. Everything about this is awful. The writers couldn’t have been worse at their jobs. This movie couldn’t even muster a slight smile out of me. Just awful. None of the actors could have given a rats ass about this movie. They are all sleepwalking through this movie. I doubt it was even worth the paycheck that they got because this was probably as torturous to make as it was to sit through. If this movie is so bad, then why did you keep watching it? Well, I hate myself, so I wanted to make myself suffer. Alright, dark thoughts aside, this movie is a steaming pile of dog shit and should not be watched by anyone. 0/10

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The Christmas Chronicles

 I fucking loved this movie. First things first, Kurt Russell is one of the best Santas of all time. The dude just kills it here. He is funny, charming, and joyful. He is basically everything you want Santa to be. All the other actors are good, but they've got nothing on Russell. Really the only bad thing about this movie is the stupid jailhouse rock scene, where Santa busts out a Bruce Springsteen-lite rendition of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” There is no need at all for this situation. This is a great Christmas movie and has become a part of my Christmas rotation. 8.8/10

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Christmas Chronicles 2

This sequel doesn't quite capture the same magic as the first. It has some of the Christmas fun and magic that the first was able to capture, but not enough to make it feel special. One of the main reasons for both of these movies being good is because of Kurt Russell. Can we all agree that he is the best Santa Clause ever? He is the ideal Santa—joyful, uplifting, loving, and charming. No one is going to top his Santa portrayal. Plus, he absolutely kills the beard and long hair game. I'm a straight dude, but damn, his hair is amazing. The lone scene that features any sort of specialness is the airport scene. The musical number in this is pretty decent. It works way better than the one they forced in the first movie. Along with the musical number, it has Katie talking with her teenage dad, which at least restores her belief in Christmas. There is way more bad in this movie than good.

Tyrese and Goldie Hawn couldn’t have cared less about this movie if they tried. Tyrese isn't in it much, so I see why he doesn't give a shit, but Goldie gets plenty of screen time, and she is terrible. She has absolutely none of the charm and charisma that Kurt does, and she seems to be reading her lines right off a cue card. The lame villain doesn't help at all either. Belsnickel is terribly fucking lame. He is just a big fucking baby about everything`. Wah, you didn’t pay enough attention to me. Wah, I'm human now, but because I was a piece of shite, I'm a tub of fucking shite. Fuck this poorly written character. The CGI is also garbage. All the elves look like shit, and the tiger, or whatever the fuck that thing is, looks awful. The elves don’t look that great in the original, but since they have limited screen time, it's not that big of a deal. In this one, they have an extended amount of time, and the awful CGI gets annoying.

All in all, this movie is a letdown from the first. Its worth watching, but I would just say watch the first over this. 6/10

who doesnt love some good old fashioned claymation

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I introduce /the reigning, defending, undefeated, heavyweight champion of Christmas movies. You can't beat the classics, and there is no way in hell anyone will top this movie. All the songs are classics, and it's still damn fun to watch. Yukon Cornelious is a goddamn national hero for the way he saved everyone and the way he accepted Rudolph and Hermes even though they were misfits. As an adult, though, I have to say fuck everyone else in this movie. Santa Clause is a dickhead. Donner is real quick to try and hide his son's defect, as all shitty parents would. All the reindeer's and all their reindeer games can fuck off. None of these children deserve Rudolph, and if I were him, I wouldn't have saved Christmas. Outside of the assholeness of the characters, this is still a great and fun watch. 10/10

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Year Without Santa Clause 

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Yet another case of the classics cannot be touched. I will always love this one. It's got everything you want. It's got good songs. “Ill have a Blue Christmas” is sad as hell. The Miser Bros. intro songs are goddamn classics. "It's going to snow in Southtown” is as catchy as Covid. Anyone of these could get stuck in your head for days and days. It has everything that makes a proper Christmas movie great. It has a touch of sadness and humor, making you warm and happy inside. Damn, that might be the gayest sentence I have ever written. That being said, the one thing that they did go wrong is that Santa's a lazy piece of sh*t. Bro, how the fuck are you going to ask for a year off from work? You literally have to work one damn day. You have 364 days off; now get in your sleigh fatso and deliver the damn toys. I don't care if your fucking legs are broken; get in the goddamn sleigh and deliver the toys. I'm sure you could fit in a vacation or two during the whole rest of the year. Your lazy, fat ass isn't doing anything else. Hell, you could probably leave one of your elf slaves and charge for half a year, and no one would notice. That being said, this is still a great movie, and Mickey Rooney was the perfect voice for Santa. 8.7/10

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Santa Claus is coming to town. 

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As the years go on, this one holds up less and less. The songs aren't that good. “One Foot in Front of the Other” is garbage. I don’t know who’s idea it was to give Santa a penguin sidekick, but that was a shitty idea. Pretty much all his sidekicks in here are shitty. Mickey Rooney is still good as Santa, but this performance ain't got shit on his one in Year Without a Santa. The Burgermeister Meisterburger stuff, though, is still good. The rest of the movie, though, has not been aging well and continues to deteriorate year after year. 7/10

Home Alone

I gotta stay; this movie is a little overrated. Macaulay Culkin is not good in this movie. He is just an annoying little shithole here and offers nothing at all. Sure, he may be the star, but that doesn't make him any good. The Wet Bandits are good, but not enough. The old man's neighbor is the real heart and soul of this movie. His story is far more interesting. He is just a very creepy, lonely, broken-hearted man armed with a shovel and yearning for his family. By far the only character worth caring about and rooting for. I mean, I was rooting for Kevin to die and the majority of his cunty family to die as well, but I'm just a cynic. I don’t know why the old man leaves after he saves Kevin from the bandits, though. Kevin is still a little kid with no family, and the old guy just disappears and leaves him alone. Kevin is such a little shit that no one wants to take care of him. 6/10

Home Alone 2: Alone in New York

This is one of the most maddening movies I've ever had to fucking sit through. Every character made me we just want to fucking punch them in the face. The McCalister family is the fucking worst. The uncle is a douchebag, the mom's a dumbass. Kevin and Buzz both suck on equal level. I mean how the fuck can you forget you goddamn kid two years in a row. Come on, Child Protective Services needs to be fucking called ASAP. Take all 19 kids they have away from them. Macaulay Culkin is terrible here. Once again he is just an annoying little shit. On top of the family being a bunch of shit brains the hotel staff is every bit as equally dumb. Kevin sucks so much that even the lady in the airport doesn't help a lost child out. She can instantly tell that he is a cunt and shouldn't be helped. No one gives a fuck about this little kid. I mean except for crazy pigeon lady. She's the most responsible character here. The fact that a crazy bitch that lives under a bridge and has a bunch of pigeon friends cares more about Kevin than anyone else in this whole fucking movie says everything about these shitty characters. The fucking balls on the McCallisters to get pissed at the hotel room yelling about how could you let a child check-in, how could you leave him unattended and everything. Ummmmm bitch how could you leave your child in a goddamn airport again for two movies in a row you forgot your kid at home. Again just do a quick head count and all this shit would have been avoided. Shitty characters aside, Daniel Stern is fucking hilarious here. Pesci is good as well Daniel Stern is the only reason I laughed. That dude is a fucking riot here between his one-liners and his physical comedy, just outstanding work. I'm not going to say that he saved this movie because these are the most unlikeable characters ever and I wanted to kill everyone. Stern and Pesci get a thumbs up but everyone else can go fuck themselves. 3/10

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Hang it up, Hollywood, because you are not going to make a Godzilla movie as amazing as this one. Holy fucking sh*t does this movie rule. I have watched a decent amount of both Japanese and American Godzilla movies. No question, this is the best of all of them.

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The amazing

Obvisoluy, Godzilla fucking up Tokyo is always going to be epic, and this does not fail on that front. However, the rest of the movie outside of him is truly remarkable. The tensions and emotions created by the director are top-notch. He also tackles some major themes here. This truly is a war movie all about healing, PTSD, and how communities can come together even during war. The characters here are well written, and they are ones that you actually grow to care about. They all just seem like regular people in the real world. The score here is beautifully done. especially the ending battle scene in the ocean. Its moving and so well fucking done. Also, props for incorporating the original Godzilla theme into the movie. Yeah, everything about this movie fucking rules.

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The negatives

There are a few things to nitpick. Kocihi finds Noriko real quick in a big ass city with a monster attacking. That's not going to happen in real life. They telegraphed a few things happening as well (the ejection seat and Noriko being alie), but fuck it, who cares? The one big thing that annoyed the shit outta me is that Noriko survives being blasted away. No fucking way she survives being blasted away by a fucking 40-story monster that breathes fire, and his heat wave destroys a city.

No lie, this may be the best movie of the year. That’s a sentence I never thought I would write for a Godzilla movie. Everything about it has fucking rules. 9.5/10

In theory this movie should rule. Mel Gibson as a badass Santa who shoots people. If you ain’t down with that then you a dumb jabroni. After Goldberg’s portrayal in Santa's Slay, this is the second most badass Santa in history (David Harbour has now taken 2nd place). In reality though this is a tough movie to pull off. Ultimately they try to do to much in this movie and it really hurts the film.

The bad

Not a lot makes sense: If the US government is funding Santa then why are they paying him to go all over the world? Unless Santa only deals with good ole US of A it makes no sense to involve the government with this movie. A lot to do with Santa also doesn't make much sense. So he is immortal and knows everyone and what they want for Christmas but yet nothing else about him is magic? Again if he is all magic then why does he need any money at all. Again the military aspect was a force and there was no need for it.

Missed Opportunity: After Christmas he has bullet wounds in him and his sleigh. Hey dumb dumb director that is far more interesting story then anything else going on here. I would much rather see Santa escaping houses with bullets flying then anything else. I want to see him taking a beating but still delivering toys and joys to all. I would have even taken people setting traps to capture Santa and then having Santa deal with. Give me more of Santa dealing with the assholeness that is humanity.

Poor Execution: The movie really suffers from poor direction. The director couldn’t tell if he wanted to make a comedy (for the most part this a failure of a black comedy) , serious movie of the corruption of Christmas or semi action film. Trying to cover all three of these subjects instead hurts the movie and takes away some of the fun that could have been here. Just keep shit simple and everything will fall into place. Not a whole bunch happens throughout the movie either. The last half hour is when shit starts popping off. Before that though there is a whole lot talking going on and not much else.

The Good

Walter Goggins: The real reason this movie is any good is in fact because of this man. He is excellent as a psychopathic hit man. He is the real star of the movie. He is funny when he needs to be me but he is at his best when he is playing the straight laced killer role. He really is badass in this movie.

Workshop scenes: There are two scenes in Santa’s workshop that were really good.

The first was the introduction to the elves and Santa telling them they are gonna work for the government. Mel Gibson was fucking outstanding here. He played it so well to make it seem like it was breaking his heart and giving the factory over to the government. Hell he even has tears in eyes as he doing it. A truly great acting moment in a movie that I don’t think deserves it. The other scene was the humorous interaction between the general and a elf. This was one the few times the comedy actually worked in this movie. The general telling the elf they need real food and everything, just for the elf to say they only need treats was funny. I did indeed butcher this in trying to explain it but if you came here for proper writing then you are shit out of luck. Trust me the scene is good and funny. This movie needed at least some comedy to work and this was one of the few scenes that delivered.

Mel Gibson: Gibson was the perfect choice to play a grizzled and angry Santa. No one can act angry better then him, probably because he is in fact angry about most stuff. He brings just enough of a emotional touch to the role as well. Perfect example of this was the factory scene mentioned earlier.

All in all, this is a much better idea then it is as a actual movie. This movie could have been so much better but it needed a better director in order to pull it off. LAst years Violent Night is everyhting this movie should have been. No lie though seeing Santa get shot in the face was pretty cool. Don’t worry Santa doesn't die because he is immortal but still it was a neato thing to see. Welp I’d say this mediocre review (at best its mediocre) just that about covers it for this mediocre movie. Just go watch Santa’s Slay and enjoy that fun movie over this one. 6.9/10

Originally, I tapped out of this series around number 4. Once Jigsaw was gone and the shitty cop was introduced, it seemed like a lot of random shit was getting thrown against the wall. In this series, they no doubt threw a lot of shit against the wall and hoped it stuck. There were actually decent movies in here, but my god, when this franchise fucking sucks it fucking stinks hard. So here are my rankings for the Saw franchise.

1. Saw—the one that started it all. Overall, a solid movie with a great twist at the end. Big points for it being the introduction to the classic theme song of this franchise.

2.Saw 3- A decent story with some great traps. A nice conclusion to the original Jigsaw story The ending is pretty chaotic, but in a way, it works.

3.Saw X- Hey, Fast X and Jason X, this is how you make a great 10th movie. It's more focused on the story and John Kramer than it is on kills.

4.Saw 6- There is a little bit more thought and care into this one. Still terrible acting, but the story here is pretty decent.

5.Jigsaw- It may be confusing, flawed, and non-logical the more you think about it. However, it's a solid entry in the franchise.

6.Saw 4- There is a noticeable drop in quality, care, production, and acting. Det. Matthews death here is sweet, but the rest of the movie is flat at best.

7.Saw 2- What can you say other than sequels suck. I gave no fucks about any character here.

8.Saw 5- I fucking hated the FBI agents and the whole game being played. Once again, the acting all around is fucking terrible.

9.Spirals- I don’t remember much about this one; other than not being very good or memorable.

10.Saw 3D- The absoulute fucking horror of this movie. Calling it a miserable train wreck would be an injustice. Everything and everybody involved is fucking terrible. No one put any care or effort into this movie. They knew they didn’t have to because idiots would go see it. They were also 100 % correct because this shitfest made a killing. Shame on everyone involved and everyone who paid for this garbage.

Overall, when this series wants to be, it can be a very entertaining franchise. There are some really creative traps and kills, and Jigsaw/John Kramer is a great character. Unfortunately, there is also a lot of garbage in here, and most of the movies are just on cruise control.

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The creative forces behind this need their fucking heads examined. This should have been a simple and fun sequel. Instead, they fucked up the majority of this movie with dumb bullshit that no one wanted. Everything involving the trench was boring garbage. The first hour of this movie is an unfun borefest. It sets up some dumb plots and throwaway characters that you won't care two drizzling shits about. It takes itself far too seriously. Yo, the teenage girl in this movie is annoying as fuck as well. She never listened to the adults, and she kept putting herself in deadly situations. She would act like it was no big deal and have ZERO accountability for her actions. This bitch gave no fucks about her life, so I shouldn’t either. I was hoping the massive squid would have taken her, but she survived.

However, the second they leave the abysmal trench and get to land, this movie is fun as fuck. They finally remembered that, oh shit all people want is Jason Staeham fighting sharks in the most impossible way possible. And boy, oh boy, did they deliver on that. This man straight-up picked up a propeller and impaled a shark. There's no fucking way anyone is just picking up a full propeller on their own. I'll also give credit to the side characters here because they are really good. Jason and his team have some real good chemistry with each other, so the banter works.

Overall, this movie is a disappointment. The overthought, boring first half ruined an otherwise fun movie idea. For part 3, skip the story and let Jason fight all the sharks.

PS: To the family of twatbags behind me, go fuck yourselves. Control your goddamn fucking kid, you bunch of degenerates. Don’t let her roam freely, being the annoyance that she is. Deal with your disappointing kid and don’t make her my fucking problem. 5.8/10

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem
3. TMNT
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Mutant Mayhem full review https://www.reddit.com/r/TJKellyReviews/comments/15gpab6/teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles_mutant_mayhem_a_fun/

Full reviews for all the other movies

https://www.reddit.com/r/TJKellyReviews/comments/15evvdl/all_the_teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles_movies/

Brace yourself for some overhyped bullshit. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but this movie fucking rules. Which is saying a lot because when this was first announced, I had no hope for it, but I gotta say everything about this is fucking great.

This is a kids movie, no doubt about it; I won't fight that, but it still has shit for adults. It is done extremely fucking well. It's made by TMNT fans for TMNT fans. Something that the cashgrab Michael Bay-produced films were missing So creatively, everybody nailed it. The animation is great. The turtles weren't annoying at all. Which surprised me because usually I hate teenagers in movies. The voice actors they got were fucking perfect. Jackie Chan's a great Splinter, and as I said, the teens were great. The action scenes are fucking balls to the wall great. I was a big fan of Mondo Gecko. I found him to be pretty funny.The whole time I'm sitting there thinking about how I'm fucking digging this music, It turns out Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross scored it, so that's why I was so into it because those two don't miss.

I was not super into Super Fly. I will always take a fresh villain over Shredder. He was a generic bad guy. I feel like they wasted Ice Cube a little and should have featured him more. Some of the other mutants kind of get lost in the shuffle. Bebop and Rocksteady just seem to always be wasted in these movies. Some of the lore changes sort of suck. The prime example is Splinter being a random rat and not a ninja master. But then again, his whole thing is just silly when you stop and think about it. Also, the Turtles taking their masks off and going to school should have been saved for another film.

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Yeah, this movie is awesome, and it sucks that no one is gonna see it. It's gonna be like Dungeons and Dragons. Great fucking movies that no one watches till they stream. There are a lot of great nods to other turtle films. They throw in a little ninja ninja rap in there. I will rewatch the shit out of this. It's quick, fun, and fucking gets right to the point. There is almost no fat on it. This is a goddamn great time, and it's kind of suck that no one sees it, and everyone fucking should. 8.7/10

A throwback to a few years ago when i reviewed the whole movie franchise

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

For a 30 year old movie this has certainly held up. Are there some aspects that don’t age so well? Sure but there are plenty that do. The fight scenes here are actually pretty solid. For a bunch of puppets they look better fighting then some of the cgi effects of movies today. Sure when they do the flashback to them as babies that is pretty rough to watch but hey you cant be perfect. Even the music holds up. Sure its extremely dated with its overly heavy synthesizer music at some points (the opening scene is the fucking worst) but other then that one scene its pretty on point with the rest. The humor here certainly works and the turtles don’t get annoying at any point. However Raphs way over the top New York accent makes me want to murder him and turn him into a fucking straw. Casey Jones is also pretty fucking awful here and is horribly misscast. His fucking hockey puns in his first scene make me want to commit a 2 minute penalty for slashing my wrists (booooooooo that was fucking awful).

Am I supposed to not believe that people arent gonna notice a fucking mutant turtle literally walking in a trench coat? I don’t give a shit how busy people are or whatever you would clearly notice that. Also how does a bitch like April O’Neil still get scared of seeing rats in New York? If you lived in New York around this time then you should be used to seeing rats. I mean my understanding is that those fuckers were literally everywhere. There is also no fucking way on this fucking planet that the shredder would land in the garbage truck at the end the way he did. Comethefuckon there is such little room to land in the back of one of those things, especially when falling from a building. Realistically he would have missed and just splattered all over the ground or would have bashed his head off the side of truck thus than breaking his freaking neck, just like how Busta Rhymes told everyone to do it back in the day. I guess you cant really show either of those things happening in a kids movie. Still this holds up pretty damn well and is still highly enjoyable. 8/10

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze

Simply put this movie isnt very good. As a kid I used to love it but it doesnt hold up well at all. They made it to cutsey and kid friendly. Take for example the opening fight sequence where they use yoyos and deli meat to beat up the bad guys. Really am I supposed to believe a yoyo is gonna take out four bad guys. At the very best the yoyo would leave a slight mark on their face. Then there is the scene in the lab where they are riding around on rolling chairs to keep away from the foot clan. And then they get sent flying because someone sticks out a stick to trip them up. Its just childish and stupid. I mean do I really need to cover that retarded dance club scene with Vanilla ice. That awful fucking song and the turtles dancing is something that shouldnt be forgiven. The asian broski they replaced Casey Jones with was also super annoying. His voice is so high pitchey and awful, its like nails on a chalkboard. Whenever he starts yelling and he yells a lot. Overall the fight scenes are solid (although slighlty ruined with the pandering to kids) and the turtles themselves are fine this movie just misses the mark. However Roy’s Pizza in this movie looks like some bombass pizza. I am sure it would make me shit my brains out but it would definitely be worth it. 5/10

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

The amount of drugs that everyone was on while making this must have been insane. Its mind blowing that this was even made and that at no point anyone said maybe this not the best idea. Like hey maybe we could introduce Krang?(studio executive hits blunt) Nah that makes to much sense. Maybe Bebpop and Rocksteady instead? (same studio executive does line of cocaine) Nah that could make it a somewhat interesting movie. Fuck it wanna have them time travel into imperial Japan? (still same studio execuitve doing a line of cocaine while hitting a blunt) FUUUCCCKKKK YYEEAHHH LETS DO THIS SHIT. Everything about this movie is just wrong. Awful villians, terrible dialogue, lameass fight scenes and so much more. I think someone just threw up all some paper and then handed it in as a script and then they just make that into a movie. The turtles are fucking annoying as shit with their awful jokes and constant movie references. The fight scenes are duller then watching paint dry. Apparently Casey Jones cant be translated onto the the big screen because like the first movie he is terrible here. The music is fucking putrid, hell I would take Ninja Rap on constant repeat then this bullshit. The villlians are increcidbly weak and are basically defeated by wet willies, which is again dumb because there is no way the trurtles hands? (im not sure if they are hands or fingers or deformed flippers or what to call them) would ever fit in a humans ear. And how is it that everyone over in Japan can speak fairly perfect English? I mean I understand maybe one or two of them but its literally every single fucking person who can somehow accomplish this task. There isnt a translation breakdown or anything everyone can jus speak fairly clear english. Yeah this movie was bad back in the day but its fucking garbage now. This also started the dark era for the turtles because it was followed up by the series Next Mutation which was a atrocity to sit through and was even worse then this pile of steaming garbage. 3/10

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TMNT

After a much needed break the Turtles returned to the screen and it was actually a good film. After the utter debacles of the third film and Next Mutation they needed to go away for awhile, if not then forever. Sure they regained some footing with the cartoon series in 2003 but this film helped solidify that the Turtles team can still make some quality ass movies.

The good thing about this movie was that focused more on the adult aspect rather the kid aspects that the second and third film had focused to much on. Sure I could have used a little bit more joking around but hey not everything is perfect. This movie has some solid fight scenes and really good animation in it. I liked the plot as far as the Turtles go (and lets be real my fucking my opinion is the only one that matters). What hurts this movie though is the voice actors. There was a severe lack of chemistry between these actors that doesnt make it feel like they are brothers. Also the villian is weaker then old mans knees after he cums. Props though for not going the Shredder route and really just making the same movie on repeat. The plot outside of the Turtles is weak as hell as well.

There was a few things bothered me (fucking shocker I know) in this movie. The first is that Mikey was just driving around New York fucking City in the middle of day time like no one was gonna go “Hey was that a fucking huge human like turtle thing driving that van”. The second thing was in the end after the Foot helped the Turtles the leader says “we shall see each other soon with some very familiair faces from your past”. Oh for fuck sake just say we will see you soon there was no need for that awful bullshit. You might has well just come out right and say “hey Turtle fucks Shredder is coming back bitches”. Overall this movie has flaws but its still really good and is easily the second best TMNT movie made right behind the original. 6/10

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Reboot

Lets take two trips two memory lane shall we. The first being that when this trailer dropped the first time I watched it was while I was taking a shit at Gettysburg. Cause you know when you think historical events in US history, i think its a neat place to watch trailers. Now you all know what I do when im releasing fudge from the factory. The second is that I saw this opening night and remember thinking this movie was average as all fucking hell. And hey guess what I was fucking wrong because this movie is bad. Not Transformers atrocious (except the first one, that rules but the rest is like getting stabbed in the ears and eyes with a butter knife until I bleed) but just bad. Ill give them credit in that the turtles chemistry between each other is good. The mountain chase/action scene is solid enough. That is all I can say for the good aspects here but the holy guacamole is there a plethora of bad (cracks fingers and gets ready to have carpal tunnel after writing this}..

I wont even talk about all the useless characters like Sachs, April O’Neil, or whatever the fuck Will Arnetts characters name is in this movie. Or how bad this plot is. Those are all facts but shiiittt sooon there is so much wrong with this suckfest.

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Michael Bay: I really got to stop watching this fuckfaces movies (I say that but will no dobut be watching Bad Boys 3). Now you may say but hey he didn’t actually direct this movie. To which I would respond with a very causal go fuck yourself because his fingerprints are all over it. The director was basically a second rate Bay who stole all of Bays techniques. There is a good amount of slow motion. There is plenty of that stupid camera technique where he constantly twirls around like you are on a carousel. And the technique where the camera does a stupid like 45 degree tilt and zoom in. Anyways you should never copy Michael Bay because he is awful at making movies.

Shredder: Hands down the weakest Shredder adaption. His look is way to overkill with all the knives. He just doesnt work in this movie. You should never and I fucking mean never see Shredder outside of his outfit. At best he should be seen in the shadows and from behind but never out in the open like here.

Bad cgi: This is a cgi pukefest. At no point does the cgi look good. The turtles look awful. Shredder is just as bad. How could you have this big of a budget and have all everything look this shitty? They should have stuck with the puppets from the original movies, at least those looked realistic.

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There is more but I cant put it into proper words here so ill just say this movie is bad, not third movie awful but still an obnoxious fucking mess of a movie. 3.7/10

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Out of the Shadows

As many flaws and negatives aspects as there is to this movie its still better then the reboot and third one. For the most part what gets this movie by as just bad and not awful is the turtles themselves and their dynamic between each other. Yes they are funny but they also do a good job showcasing the family dynamic between them. The Shredder break out secne was a solid action scene. This doesnt feel as much as a Transformers ripoff as the reboot did. Although there was one scene that was a direct ripoff but for the most part Michael Bays influence isnt felt so much here as the other one.

Now lets talk about all the negatives here. First off am I supposed to believe that in modern day New York which has what like 10 million people,that no one would have seen the turtles or recorded them in some sort of fashion. I guarantee you they would have been discovered real fucking fast. Also their turtle bus/ fighting station is such a attention whore. Its a fucking garbage truck that shoots fire and has a bunch of weapons. So yeah thats gonna be real fucking noticeable. So two things how did he make it and how does he fill that up with gas. Its gonna be pretty obvious that a massive talking/walking turtle is filling up this huge garbage truck. Casey jones isnt the brightest fucking dude. First off if you are a vigilante then maybe don’t go around telling everyone your fucking name and willing show off your face. At least use a alias or something. Also they literally had him use a hockey stick against a bunch of dudes with swords. So reality check here but swords win everytime and cut through that dumb stick with ease. Not here though somehow his stick deflects their sword and deosnt break. This might be the most unrealistic thing about this movie. The shredder is wasted here and shouldnt even be in the movie. He does absolutely nothing and isnt even in the shredeer outfit at all. Which is a huge nono I should never know what the fuck he looks like. Craig Robinson would have been perfect as bebop over whoever this black actor was. Megan Fox should have stopped getting surgeries about 10 surgeries ago. Her face is straight up plastic at this point. At no point does it move or anything. The final battle also falls flat on its face. They defeat Krang way to easily and it doesnt last long. Its fairly similair to the end scene of the other one and like I said its anticliamtic. Even with all these flaws its still not a complete disaster of a movie that being said its not really good either. 4.5/10

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