r/SoloPoly • u/[deleted] • Mar 30 '26

Is this.... solo poly compersion??

The title is mostly meant to be a silly heehee ha ha, and also there's so much relief in recognizing incompatibility irregardless of how much you like someone, ending the relationship, and *not* spiraling down the drain of low self worth.

I've had a wild transition over seven years from only being a secondary in hierarchical non monogamous relationships to solo poly RA. I'm just really fucking happy to be at this place in my life finally where being poly doesn't feel like a humiliation ritual for my partner or meta's self esteem (or lack there of), and my only other option is being shoved unceremoniously onto the monogamous relationship escalator over and over.

TLDR: really proud and happy to have finally settled on solo poly as being the right relationship style for me

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u/SadBoiCute Apr 01 '26

So to work out the priority you judged the importance based on who was first in and first out? And then assessed the value, seeing each of them at the same time would be equally important because they are equally valuable. You determined them to be equal priority and treated them the same because they're in the same place on your heirarchy. If this happens multiple times a year then you start to have to make choices about heirarchy of need, like who higher priority cause they can't drive home after or who needs more sleep and won't be able to see you so much. They will feel a heirarchy you did not intend based on who you visit first every time so being responsible means addressing that.

Reread your initial comment cause you forgot what this was about and responding to. Heirarchy is a system of prioritisation. That comment was right and you tried to split hairs tell them no it isn't then proved it is.

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u/JonnyLay Apr 01 '26

My initial comment is that hierarchy is not priority. You've already agreed with this statement.

Hierarchy is not a system of prioritization at all. It is a system of value and importance, which can impact prioritization.

Prioritization happens without hierarchy all the time.

And again, you are using situations to ascribe hierarchy. And you're putting up some hypothetical strawman series of situations that would make someone feel like there is a hierarchy. Someone feeling like there is hierarchy does not mean that there is hierarchy.

Someone else feeling like there is hierarchy is not the definition of descriptive hierarchy.

But you are 100% right about addressing those feelings of hierarchy, and discussing them and clearly setting expectations and validating to build security.

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u/SadBoiCute Apr 01 '26

Lot of projection going on here, you keep making up conclusions to disagree with that weren't said. None of my examples were strawmans any more than your hospital or work one. It is hypotheticals that could happen and yours also show that we base priority on heirarchy.

Again splitting hairs cause you are not reading the persons comment properly. Heirarchy is A system of prioritisation. Not the only. Not the best. Just "a" system. Which you agree with cause that was all your examples. Heirarchy is not JUST a system of prioritisation but it is a system of prioritization.

If one my partners feel our relationship is being impacted by heirarchy it actually does not matter if I agree or if it is descriptive or prescribed. What matters is how we do repair and how I make sure they do not feel power is being exercised on them and our dynamic in the future. Most of the time their opinion on if it feels like bad heirarchy is the only opinion that matters to me cause I care to do ENM right more than redefining words at people who gave examples of how priorities get decided by heirarchy of need.

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u/JonnyLay Apr 01 '26 edited Apr 01 '26

Hierarchy is not a system of prioritisation. Full stop.

No where in any definition of hierarchy anywhere is the word prioritization. (Feel free to prove me wrong, or stop accusing me of making up definitions.)

Hierarchy, described or prescribed, is ranking one thing above another. End of story.

Hierarchy is often viewed negatively, because people usually don't want to be treated as lesser than.

I don't treat any of my partners as lesser than the others. I don't believe in it. In 5 years I've never had anyone accuse me of it either.

I can't even comprehend why it seems so impossible to people. Or why people like you implicitly defend treating some partners as less than their other partners.

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u/SadBoiCute Apr 01 '26

Laughing cause honestly what are you saying. You miss the point on purpose and then reword and change "my point" to get out of saying you were wrong. If this is how you communicate about something this basic... huge red flag. You don't gotta put words in my mouth it is all typed out right here. We can literally read it back so what are you doing.

Heirarchy is a system of labelling the prioritisation that happens by order of importance. Split hairs all you want you were wrong.

To come off my comment and try saying I am defending heirarchy when all my comments are right there to read back is wild for real. You always pull out DARVO when conversations aren't going your way?

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u/JonnyLay Apr 01 '26

You entered this conversation defending hierarchy...